How to stop thinking you’ll be alone forever
Forever is an incredibly long time. I think, apart from our own company – nothing in our lives really lasts forever. But when we’re looking for a partner and not succeeding, and we feel we’ve been single for way too long (Months? Years? – definition of “a long time” can be very subjective), that horrible thought almost inevitably creeps in: ‘Will I ever find someone? What if I stay alone forever?’
I could bet you right here right now for any amount – you won’t stay single forever, unless you really want to. And if you could step away from the fear, you would know, deep down – it’s very unlikely you’ll stay alone for the next 10 or 60 years of your life. Maybe a few max. Two or three. If you are actively looking, it will very rarely be much longer.
I know it’s hard to listen to the voice of reason when emotions are shouting louder. And that’s fine. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there – there were periods of my singleness which – of course – never lasted longer than those few years, but there and then they sure seemed like they will go just go on and on… forever. Desperation takes over easily when you feel you’re trying so hard and nothing is happening.
I can’t tell you when you’ll meet your next long-term partner – but I can give you a few tips to manage that fear better. I do believe it’s the anxiety of not knowing “how long” that creates most of the singleness-misery, not the actual wait itself. If you knew the exact date in the future when you’ll meet your match, you’d probably feel pretty OK about your life right now. Am I right?
But since neither of us knows that, let’s see what else we can do… while we’re waiting.
Step one – change your thoughts: do a reality check. What grounds you have to believe you will stay single? Think about your life 5 or 10 years back. All the big things that happened in that period. Were you single all the time? Most likely no. Most likely A LOT happened in your life in 2 years, let alone 10. Jobs, schools, places, friends, partners – all change. Even faster than we sometimes want them to. So if all those things happened then, why wouldn’t they happen in the next 10 years of your life? Where’s the proof that everything will stay as is? I dare you find one.
Another reality check: if you see a lot of people around you settling down, that doesn’t mean everyone but you is hooking up, you are just noticing those people more. Try looking for single people instead – in real life, in media, anywhere you can spot them. Count them against the ones who are not. Do that for at least few weeks, or until you have enough evidence that the world is not comprised only of couples. Especially not happy couples. Yes, people in couples are not necessarily happier than you either. (But that’s a whole other topic… for another post.)
Step two – change your life: put the rest of your life under control, as much as you can. That will make you feel less hopeless and helpless. If you get what you want in other areas of life, you will feel more confident you can do it in your love life as well.
Focus on doing more things you love and enjoy. If you are unhappy in your job – look for one that will make you feel better. If you want to lose some extra weight – go ahead, make a plan and lose it. If you are passionate about any sports/art/craft/music/hobby – do it. Take classes. Enjoy your time. Enjoy your life. Make your single days count.
The more you feel you are in control of your life – the happier you feel, the better you look, the more you smile, the more fun you have. More moments of genuine bliss. Less time to pity yourself for being single. And you’re not putting your life on hold while he or she arrives.
As you do that, you’ll start attracting a much more interesting bunch of people in your life. And yes, that includes potential partners too. People get drawn to your energy, liveliness, your confidence, your spark. When you feel you are in the right place, and you believe love can happen for you: the right partner will come, without a doubt.
Hi Petra. You left a comment on my blog. Thanks for introducing me to your website. There’s some really useful info on here. I do worry that I’ll be single forever and at times I’ve almost come to terms with the idea. My reasoning is that I’m 29 now and despite spending the last 13 years or so being incredibly proactive about finding a boyfriend, I’ve never found one. I just don’t have any reason to believe the next 13 years (or 30 years!) would be any different because I don’t know what more I can do.
Thanks for coming back Estelle. Your comment is spot on – I’d love to hear more from people who are in your position. 13 years is a long time, I agree, if you are actively looking – and I would love to talk to you more about it. Will contact you over email soon.
I have been fighting this issue for 28 years. I have done all the things you talk about but nothing has helped or changed. I don’t think there is hope and I am still alone. I have learned to be alone but am always lonely.
What can I say – I know you don’t want to hear empty phrases, but I honestly believe we can all find love and be happy in our romantic lives. I know your experience has been different and it’s hard to believe after so much time of being on your own… but it’s really up to you to make it happen, nobody can take it away from you. The reason we give up on love is because we think it’s out of our hands, but it’s not, we just don’t know how to go about it. I’d love to help you, if you want to talk and give me a bit more background, please get in touch on email. Thanks for your comment.
i know this is late but i want to share something. love is not love any-more. is finding someone a waste of time? where i come from women base their choices what the majority thinks. i can’t force a relationship to happen. unfortunately the world is full of people who are sh*t scared what the world would do if they dated someone out of the ordinary. i came to a conclusion that if all else fails just be myself.
You generalise everything based on your experience, which is just a subjective view of the world, not the absolute truth. Not all women are the same, not all men are the same. You are the one who is making love happen or not happen for you. Not others. You are the one who can change that. Think about it, please.
I would love it if you could contact me as well and give me a little advice. I’ll give you a thumbnail sketch of what my issue is.
I’m a single mom, my daughter is now 21. When she was born I decided to be celibate and not date until she was close to grown. I didn’t want to complicate our lives with a string of boyfriends or a step-father.
Eventually a few years turned into 10. I began casually seeing people but by then I had gotten used to being alone. I realized I was terrified of commitment. That fear was (in hindsight) a defense mechanism I used to keep myself from getting my heart broken.
So, I had casual affairs with unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) men. I thought I was okay with this set-up. I knew I’d never be able to put anyone above my daughter and thought that would be an unfair thing to do to a partner.
Fast forward to the end of last summer, when I unexpectedly met a man that I thought would be another casual partner. He broke down all my walls and I fell in love with him. He’d been married twice before and there were a few red flags that I, subconsciously, ignored.
While I was falling deeply in love with him, there were certain things that bothered me but I had made a commitment to love him and felt (and he also said this on a regular basis) that we could work through anything because we were soul-mates. He often told me that he’d never felt like this about any of his other partners. He was kind of vague about how his other numerous relationships had ended (one of those red flags I ignored).
I had never been in love before so all this was new to me.
Well, about 2 weeks before our 6 month anniversary he started being a little distant with me via text. We used to text each other all throughout the day. That was a Wednesday. I finally asked him what was wrong and he said he was going through a depression that he goes through once in a while because of sexual abuse that started when he was 3.
Well, we spent the night on Saturday and things seemed okay. Sunday morning, he wouldn’t even look at me and he broke it off only after I pushed for an answer. He gave me some vague things about me having some annoying habits and reminding him of a person he doesn’t get a long with.
Now, I find myself alone again, only this time I had a taste of what it’s like to be in love. I don’t think it’ll happen again for me. He was perfect for me in every way except that he left me.
I’m trying to heal from this and move on but there is one complication. Because of his depression he tried to commit suicide a week after he dumped me. No one in his family gets involved in what they call his personal life. He really doesn’t have close enough friends and he won’t see a counselor any more because he goes to the VA clinic and they just “throw pills” at him.
I fear I’m the only one who both knows that he tried to take his life and cares enough to take it seriously. So, I find myself communicating with him in case he feels the need to do it again. I would never forgive myself if he killed himself and I hadn’t tried to help. But it’s really hindering my healing.
Please impart some advice for me. I’m sorry this was longer than I intended.
Hello R, thank you for reaching out. There are multiple issues there – and we’d need to tackle them all if you’d like to heal (your personal views on relationships and your fears, his situation, and your relationship right now). If you want just a quick answer – yes, you should cut him off to allow yourself to heal but considering his situation it may not be easy and straightforward, and you might end up with a massive guilt and anxiety – worrying he will attempt to hurt himself again. I think it would be best if we had a proper conversation, I’d like to ask you a few more questions to be able to give you a more concrete answer. Plus it is a very private and sensitive matter so I’d prefer to take it out of this public medium. If you’d like that please contact me via my CONTACT page and we’ll arrange a Skype consultation (it’s free).
Thank you Petra, I’ll visit your page now.
Petra- not sure if you still monitor this thread but I just found it and had to comment. Your ideas for “getting out there” are as expected, but for some, that is not enough.
I am a White, well-educated, active, career -focused 50 year old woman who has never been married. I had a decent middle class childhood, was never abused, am not narcissistic, avoidant or commitment-phobic, I am emotionally available and living in a very populated, diverse Southern California area.
All of my friends in similar situations have been married (and some more than once).
My friends always tell me how funny and kind I am, (and people do gravitate to me at events- but as friends) and how great that I lend my support to help abused and abandoned pets as well as helping the homeless. I mentor to students, attend industry and community functions with a wide variety of types of people and have been off/on dating sites for 25 years.
Men just don’t seem to be attracted to me.
If I go out with friends, I am not “thinking about” finding a guy, so there’s no desperation that I’m giving off, but I do flirt. It’s just that my friends (even married ones) attract the mens attention, and I’m left as the pretty girl’s funny friend.
It takes its toll on you after many years. You feel ugly.
I don’t go out with my head hung down or moping around, I’m bubbly and fun with people….it’s just when I’m alone at home with my pets that the sadness creeps in.
I keep very busy with community and work things, but just wanted to share that sometimes the typical advice doesnt work for all.
Sure – absolutely agree. This advice doesn’t help all, and all situations. If you’d like to discuss yours – why not have a consultation. I’d love to dig a bit deeper, there must be a reason why you’ve been single for so long, and you may not be consciously aware of it. If you’d like that, contact me on email or via Coaching / Contact pages.
I’m really confused. I thought your post was interesting and you had a good point. Especially since you seemed likely attractive, so I checked out your blog and confirmed that yes, you’re almost definitely very attractive. Anyhow, I was thinking you were a good example of my point that lots of people just aren’t good fits…except that it seems like you date all the time! I get the impression it’s just more a case of that you have (commendably) high standards for a long term relationship and are content with holding out for someone who meets them. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, rather it just seems a remarkable coincidence.
Hi, I’ve been single for all my life (just turned 30 yrs). I’ve never had a real boyfriend. I know guys are not attracted to me. I think its the way I look. I’ve tried everythng possible, dating sites, blind dates, friends set me up, prayers,change the way I dress, hairstyles etc nothing works . I think I’ll be alone forever and I have made peace with it. Just a pity the world is sooo huge but I find ONE person to love me for me.
Oh dear… I am so sorry you feel this way it must be a dark place! I understand you feel unattractive but being or not good looking is not the real reason why people are not attracted to you. There is always something else which is a bigger issue, and can be changed, always. Also just take a look around you how many unattractive people have partners, most do! This world would be really a sad and boring place if only the best looking ones could find love. If you feel like a consultation, where we can explore this a bit more and see where your real issue lies – do get in touch over email. All my best to you!
i disagree.how many unattractive people have partners, most do? in theory yes but in reality, no.
Please explain what data do you base that observation on. And who decides who is attractive or unattractive. If you think you are unattractive and you think that’s the reason you can’t find a partner, you are just using your looks as an excuse and consolation.
Petra, how many unattractive men have you dated? the world decides who is attractive or unattractive (based on experience). people decide what the majority thinks, which is true and unfair. i don’t care what a person looks like but i do get replies from many women who say “WE” don’t like this we don’t do this. that means the “WE” is talking as a majority, that is for every women on this planet. One woman seems to be speaking for all women but not all women are the same, right?
I don’t know how many ‘unattractive’ men I dated, because they were all attractive to me. At the same time, I know many women who didn’t find my dates attractive. So I concluded not all women have the same attractiveness criteria. Some women, as well as some men – primarily look for a partner who looks good on the inside. But you are so focused on not looking good on the outside, that you keep attracting those who only value looks. That’s how life works – what we project, we get. If you feel you’re not good enough, you won’t be good enough to those you interact with. You’ll never find the ones who’d see you as beautiful, because you don’t think they exist. You don’t believe any woman can get attracted to you. If you want to find someone who will love you for you, you have to start loving yourself first. And I don’t mean being selfish, I mean truly loving yourself as a human being, with all your qualities and all your flaws. When you start seeing the inner beauty in you – you’ll start seeing it in others. You will not judge everyone based on how they look, and you’ll stop meeting those who do the same.
Omg this is so me right now! Have you met anyone yet? If you don’t mind me asking.
I think I’m most afraid I will be single forever because I want a family so badly and I am already 29. I thought by this time in my life I would be married and have children. I spent 6 years of my life in a relationship that I should have known was going nowhere but I wanted so badly to “fix him”, hoping that if he loved me enough he would want the things I wanted. After him I took a break from dating and ended up meeting someone younger. After ending such a serious relationship this new one was much more causal and fun in the beginning. We dated off and on for 3 years until I became pregnant (the thing I’ve wanted most in life-I have endometriosis). He did not want it, and though he knew I didn’t believe in abortion, kept trying to get me to do it. I ended up miscarrying 2 weeks later leaving me devastated and killing our relationship. Now I feel like my biological clock is ticking and I’m running out of time to have the family I’ve always dreamed of. I have health issues so I don’t go out to bars because I can’t drink. Most of my friends are married already and I can’t seem to find a way to meet new people, every guy I have met recently just wants sex instantly and that’s just not who I am. I don’t know how to feel hopeful that I will find someone who will truly love me.
It’s never too late, and it’s definitely not too late for you at 29. Don’t think about your ex relationships as failures, they were there to teach you something too, and the fact you didn’t end up with any of those 2 men is probably best for you. It’s much worse to marry someone and have kids and then be unhappy, when it’s much harder to change things, and you are potentially making your kids’ lives miserable too. I’d say from your note that you might have some confidence issues or simply wrong beliefs that are making you attract partners who are not that great for you. If you’d like to talk about this more, I can help you find the culprits and ways to get you to a good place and ready to meet a great match.
Thank you for responding so quickly, I am definitely interested in speaking more. I feel I do have confidence issues and I’ve become much more “hard” or “uptight” with new guys since my past relationships happened the way they did. I Know having anxiety and depression just adds to my problems with men and I’m not sure where to go from here.
Great – let’s continue over email.
When I was in Primary school,doing grd2,I met a guy,same age,he was my class mate,we become good friends until grade7,he was loving,caring and he did appreciate me but after grade7 we went to different high school,I loved and still love him but he changed towards me,he never visited me,our friendship is no longer strong,but my heart longed for him badly,I’m 22 yrs old now and I never someone who really loved me,he was the only one,I always asked myself why guys don’t approach me cos I’m the one approaching them but at the same time ill be thinking that my primary sweetheart will come back to me,and I will be happy again,its not easy cos I wish I had someone who truly loves me but I’m losing hope,in high school I never dated anyone,when I reached University I was desperate to be in a relationship and to tell you the truth I never met the one,is either the guy sleep with me and aftr he will leave me or I will end up being in a horrible and abusive relationship,until now,I haven’t found the one,I’ve been searching and proposing guys but non of them truly loved me,I’m lonely,wish there was someone out there for But part of me tells me that my primary sweetheart is the one even thou he doesn’t care about me at the moment.
Dear Fridah, I understand how you feel – it’s not easy to live wishing for someone from your past to make a come-back, but I am pretty sure he is not the only one that you could be happy with. And if you just wait for him to change his mind you have no control over your love life, and that I’m sure doesn’t feel too great! I wish I could help you – if you’d like a consultation, please contact me over email (email@example.com). And thanks a lot for your comment! Take care.
I think this article is great as it sends out a really positive message, a lot of people often feel lonely and unworthy of love and changing your behavior is one of the top ways to change that! Great blog 🙂
Thanks Rachel 🙂
I was single for 10 years. I was actively looking, going to singles events, posting a profile on internet dating sites, keeping an open mind, etc. I even tried “not looking” after I was told that you find love when you stop looking and when you least expect it. I didn’t get a date for 3 years. What a frustrating 10 years that was. I come from a very stable and loving family background and am attractive, kind, funny, smart,happy, active in my community. My list of criteria is not that outrageous, I am not asking for what I cannot offer. I finally found the love of my life at 38 and he dumped me after we got engaged and just a few months before I turned 40. Now I am 43 and although I still am all of those things I described before, it is hard for me to maintain hope and stay optimistic that I will one day be happily married. I can totally relate to Estelle…especially since it is hard to believe that if I found it a struggle to find someone in my late 20s and 30s, why would it be any better in midlife?
I still try to be happy and live a satisfying life as a single but I really wanted to have the same type of loving relationship both my parents and grandparents had…instead I got cats.
Hi Drosera, thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it’s not easy to believe you’ll find somebody to love, especially if you’ve had bad experiences. But it can be turned around, trust me – it doesn’t matter what your age or your relationship history is. Nobody in this world has to be alone except by their own choice, and I really want to help people realise that, and give them hope and support to continue their search. I would love to talk to you more about your situation, feel free to contact me whenever you feel like it.
So is it possible that even though I am 29 it’s not to late find someone to love me?
Of course! Where does it say there is a cut-off age for finding love?
I am in a similar situation. Age wise. 44, divorced I’ve now been single 7 years and 2 years ago, I got my hopes up when I met a wonderful person through work. My confidence has crashed. Primarily because the man I was in love with (colleague/confidant/friend) met someone else.
Athough there was an upfront conversation about how much we liked each other and an agreement to get to know each other, it never progressed beyond a friendship between us because he was just out of a bad marriage and I could see he had a long way to go on the ‘healing’ process plus he had a serious long term illness. Also he is more senior than me so I think he felt ultimately it was too much of a risk. Although we never dated, the feelings and the upset feels the same as a relationship break up as I was so emotionally invested in him and I had his ongoing attention for a really long time.
What I can’t understand is why it is so easy for some people. We all say it is best to have done the healing, be in a good place. But, I know for a fact he was in a rotten place but yet has met a girl the minute things were looking a tiny bit better for him and they are now in a ‘relationship’, meeting his kids, spending Christmas together. I should add that my ex has just got into his next relationship, my best friend came straight out of a long term relationship and married the next one and I know several other people that this has happened to. It seems like it is only me that has an issue and this is where the lack of confidence comes from.
I think this is why people who are long term single are looking for reasons as to why it hasn’t happened. I should add, I can attract men – this isn’t the issue, it is meeting someone who wants to date me or be in a relationship with me that seems impossible. Again it is particularly painful when I then see them finding someone else.
I genuinely believe I will never meet anyone and it is particularly painful as I know I will have to watch him progress a relationship with her, move in, have kids, everything I want.
It’s true that finding and keeping a relationship is a bigger challenge for some people than others. Same as having a successful career or money is a challenge for some, while it comes more easily to others. Same as with everything else in life: looks, health, talent, family… you name it. The only way to deal with obstacles of any kind is resolve them. I believe you shouldn’t resign to thinking you’ll be alone for the rest of your life and envy or compare with everyone else who doesn’t have difficulty finding partners, but use their examples to fuel your belief that it can happen for you too. Plus – dig deeper to find the reasons why it’s not happening for you. There is always a reason, and it can be dealt with. Always. I can help, so if you’d like give it a try do contact me for a consultation (via Contact or Coaching page).
Couldnt help spotting this comment Petra – i disagree. No there is NOT always a reason. Some things just cannot be explained away. It is human nature to look for reasons for things. Some things are just the way they are and theres nothing to be done. I have run myself ragged and exhausted thinking I could change something in my behaviour to enable me (even to get a date) to find a partner. Nothing works and Im faced with whats known as operant conditioning – why would I ‘try harder’ doing the same stuff (because I cant think if anything else to do) if the result is going to be the same.
I have given up but given up in a constructive and positive way that is best for me.
You are a very nice lady Petra and you are trying to be helpful but I am afraid I just dont believe some of the things you are saying.
Iam a Student in college and i fear that i will be alone for the rest of my life cause girls take one look at me and say hes a geek cause i wear glasses and like playing video games i try metting people online like its happened to some people but nothings working for me what should i do Petra?
Hi Dennis, I am glad you came forward. You’re not alone – many many people have a similar problem (I had it when I was young too). When we think nobody wants us or that we’ll never find a partner usually that’s because we’re not confident about our own qualities as a person and a partner. You say girls think you are geeky, but the question is – do you think you are geeky? If you feel you’re not interesting or attractive, others will see you that way too.
But I’m sure you have many cool and interesting qualities that someone could fall in love with.Try listing those down and be honest with yourself – what are the things you have, that other boys (who may be more popular) don’t? Maybe you’re a great listener, or you have a sense of humour, and you’re a very nice, loyal, warm person? I’m just guessing here of course, but I’m sure you’ll come up with some that make you an attractive partner. If you can’t – ask someone who knows you well.
Start building your confidence around your positive sides. If you know you have something valuable to give to others, they will recognise it too. You’ll come across as a much more confident guy, and you’ll see the change in how girls react too.
And you shouldn’t ever feel bad for being who you are – we are all different, but everyone has something amazing to them that other people can fall for, and I’m sure there are girls out there who’ll recognise that. Not all girls will ever be into you – that’s the reality for every one of us. But the key is to find those who like and appreciate what you’ve got – and those will be the best partners for you any way. Someone who’ll see your good and bad sides and love them all is the best partner you can ever get.
I don’t know how you look but if you think your looks are contributing to the issue too, try get some advice in that area. If you have a friend or sister – a girl would be best – to help you a bit with grooming and clothes, girls know best what other girls like 🙂
Wish you all the best!
I just found this after doing a random search during a moment of feeling down. Its great advice & I can definitely relate to what you’re saying. I am really unhappy in my job at the moment so maybe its time to think about that. I think I also feel that its harder for me as I’m a single mother. When do I find time for someone else when I can barely find time for me? Anyway, thanks for your great advice. I’ve bookmarked this & will return to it in future down moments.
Hi Maz, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m sure it’s hard to be a single parent and find time for yourself, let alone dating and meeting new people. Glad my advice has inspired you. You’ve inspired me too to think about people in your situation, and it’s a great topic for a future post! All my best, Petra
Oh I look forward to reading your future post then! 🙂
Hi Petra – I love your name, by the way. Thank you for the great article. I was married for 16 years and am recently separated with two children. My fear is that I truly will be alone – without companionship and meaningful physical intimacy for the rest of my life. At 42 and with young children, I feel like it’s too late to have another go around at happiness with a partner. And the thing is that I’m still so full of love, life and passion that I just can’t imagine not sharing all of those things with someone. But, I fear that’s just what will happen – that it’s too late for me and that nobody will want to share a life with me.
Hi Malika, thanks for sharing – and for the compliment. I know this sounds like just a line – but it’s truly never too late! I know so many people who have found love (again) in their 40s, 50s, 60s – even 80s 🙂 I’m sure it’s hard to go back to dating when you have young children, and that you might worry how they’ll accept someone new in your life, and that it’s hard to organise child care sometimes, and even just find time for yourself – but the bottom line is – if you feel like doing it, just do it. There are plenty of guys out there about your age, divorced too, with or without kids – and I’m sure many of them would be over the moon to meet a woman full of life and passion like you 🙂
Hi Petra, I definitely get what you’re saying and I have heard from others that I will not be alone forever; however, I don’t really believe it. I am 23 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I do not get asked out on dates and the only attention I get from men is when they are drunk. I am in medical school so I have been pretty focused my whole life, but not so much so that I have not been open to a relationship. I’ve been told that I’m gorgeous and smart etc and that I will meet someone any day now, but I find it really hard to believe considering the fact that I have no one to share my life with and have never been in a relationship.
Hi Brooke! Sorry for not responding yet. I didn’t mean to ignore your comment, but I always want to give it a bit of time to think about people’s questions before I respond. I understand why you feel frustrated and how lines like “you’ll find someone someday” are not exactly helping. You are very young to be losing hope – but it’s natural to be questioning why you don’t attract the type of attention you want, and relationships are not happening yet. For a start – have you read my “5 key reasons why you can’t find love” guide? Did you find anything there that sounds like it could be the issue? If not – feel free to get in touch for a consultation (first one is free), because I’ll need to have some more information to give you some concrete feedback.
Yes I just read it! I think that number 2 seems to be my greatest issue. Even in this stage of my life I was bullied by a few girls in my class, four girls ripped me to shreds for my perceived flaws and this definitely brought me down a lot. I am now questioning everything I do and say and often feel like nobody likes me. I know this seems very high school but medical school is just like high school. Also, the fact that men can only tell me that they find me attractive is when they’re drinking (which is not often) leaves me with a poor self esteem. I know I should not seek confidence in other people, but being rejected and ignored has made it nearly impossible to have a good self image. I do think that being able to see myself in a more positive light would help. Do you have any tips on working towards that?
My biggest advice would be to build your self image around your strengths and qualities – make it a priority to become aware of all the good things you have to offer to the world and start loving and appreciating yourself more. A good start is to make a list of all of your qualities and remind yourself of them more often than what you see as your bad sides. Also, disregard opinions of people who don’t know you and don’t care about you (like those 4 girls from your class). They just don’t matter, and worrying about what people like that think will only make you feel more miserable. Mingle more with the ones who do love you, find some good positive friends who will give you support and genuine praise, and make you feel loved. Regardless of other people, you have to start seeing yourself in a positive light and build that confidence from within, but it’s easier to start when you’re surrounded with people who care about you. Btw, I will be doing some (free) webinars on the topic soon, to help people who are in a similar situation like you… so if you want to join them you’re most welcome. Will keep you posted over email. Thanks for your questions!
Thanks so much I really appreciate it
Thank you Petra. This is exactly what I keep hearing from my girlfriends, as well. I’m trying to stay positive and take care of myself. Exercising lots, and just saying “yes” more to things. I just read your other article about being single after you’ve been married or in a relationship for a long time. And that story really resonated with me, as well. I’m trying to look at the separation as an opportunity to re-build and re-discover myself, as much as time and schedule allows (of course). Anyways, just wanted to say thank you for the great information and encouraging words. I’ll continue to think positively and welcome the good forces in my life. Thanks again,
Thank you too 🙂 It’s great to hear my articles are helping people.
Petra, please respond to my thoughts on the article. It is starting to make me feel even worse since you passed up mine and commented on another. It could have been just overlooked, but I would like some feedback
This is a great and uplifting post, but I happen to be one of those people who, despite looking proactively (and, like a previous poster, “not looking” on purpose hoping that “it will happen when you least expect it”), have been single for four years…without a single date or any prospects.
I have many friends that are in similar situations, but at least they are able to find dates and meet prospective partners. It is incredibly frustrating and SO easy to believe you will be alone forever when you spend four years without so much as ONE single date. What advice do you have for people in my unique situation (which I am discovering is actually more common than I thought)?
Dear Sylvonna – to be honest, until recently I had no idea about it either – that there are so many people out there who haven’t been on dates for years. I don’t have a general type advice, but as I answered to Brooke in this same comment thread – there has to be an underlying reason, it’s very unlikely you wouldn’t get a single date in years if you are actively looking for a relationship. I can’t tell you what’s the issue in your case without knowing a bit more about your situation. We’d have to have a chat first – I do give out one free session/consultation, so if you’re up for that feel free to contact me on email. No obligation to take up more coaching. Thank you for commenting, take care!
Hi Petra, i just read your post and i really recognized myself as someone who thinks he’s going to be single forever. Here’s the situation. I’m 21, I’m halfway through engineering school and I’ve never dated anyone really and that makes me quite insecure and depressed about my life. Sure, i have a couple friends and a loving family, I have hobbies (kind of) but somehow I feel like I’m missing all the important stuff.
Over the time, i got trapped in a very strong negative thinking pattern and I always feel so vulnerable and incapable of breaking it. When I was in the end of elementary school and most of middle school, people made fun of me since i was introvert and a bit overweight. Nowadays, I beat myself down constantly (no confidence), I feel really undesirable, systematically reject any compliment whatsoever, and I am convinced that I can’t get any girl to notice me and .
At the end of middle school, I liked a girl for almost the entire year without asking her out but she finally told me she wasn’t interested and she liked another guy. That one really hurt.
I wanted to meet more girls, so people told me to join clubs and stuff to get to talk to girls which I did (i work for the university pub) but somehow i just can’t start building a relationship with any of the girls I meet (and i can’t find a way to meet more, which is another problem). I would really like to get to know them but I immediately go “oh it’s a waste of they will never want me etc.”.
Yes, I went to see a behavioral therapist for two years before and well it doesn’t seem that it worked after all. The problem is I think was my habit to never really do what the therapist suggested to me because i would always think it would never work. I really wish I was normal and not always beat myself down and find some way to go date some girls….
This whole story was probably hard to go through but i really wanted to give as much information so you get the best understanding.
I thought your post was great and know I really want to know if you have tips, daily exercise suggestions so I can break this pattern of negative thinking and finally start to live?
Dear Anthony, your negative thinking is definitely big part of the issue. Seems like you don’t think you are interesting enough for a girl to fall for you, so they don’t – and soon that becomes a self-reinforcing pattern – rejection makes you feel even worse, which then attracts more of rejection.
I can’t be sure because I don’t know what your therapist suggested – but it is likely that therapy didn’t work because you were not open for making changes. Unfortunately – contrary to popular belief – counselors, therapist and coaches can only help us if we are willing to help ourselves too. If you’re unsatisfied and want change any part of your life – you have to start thinking and doing things differently, even if that sounds scary, hard or pointless. But what have you got to lose? If your current ways are not working, why not take a leap and try something new. But I know it is very hard to do, and changes don’t happen overnight so it’s easy for people to give up if they don’t see results immediately. We are all scared of getting out of our comfort zones, even if those comfort zones don’t make us particularly happy. Getting out there and doing things differently is a process that takes time and there is a lot of resistance because of fear of the unknown, discomfort of doing things you’re not used to, exposing yourself to potentially even more judgement and pain. But once you start seeing results you will get more motivated to keep going.
I can’t give you some stand-alone exercises, but I am preparing webinars and a step-by-step online program that will kick off soon to help people in your situation: dealing with low-self esteem, confidence issues and general lack of self-loving, which I believe is the biggest issue for most people who have a problem finding suitable (or any) partners. I plan to launch in a few months and will keep you posted if you’re interested. If you feel you need more immediate help – do get in touch for individual coaching. My first session is free, and no obligation to take more if you’re not happy with the results.
Thank you for commenting and all my best!
This was a good reality check, thinking about the previous 10 years and all that’s happened and then reminding myself that I just don’t know what’s going to happen 10 years from now. I don’t know whether I’ll be single the rest of my life or not, but the evidence would indicate I probably won’t. It’s just that I’m still very heartbroken over my previous relationship and have not gotten over that yet. It’s very hard to be patient when you’re lonely, hurting and thinking about your lost love, particularly since she’s with someone else and I’m alone. Thank you for the reminder, though.
Hi Greg! Thank you for commenting and I’m glad you found my advice useful. I know it’s tough when you are recovering from a bad breakup, but it’s OK to take your time to heal. Better than rush into a new relationship if you’re not ready yet, that usually only just creates more heartbreak!
Hi Petra. I feel exactly like the first commenter Estelle did. I’m 36 and despite my efforts I’ve never been on a date. None of my friends ever seems to know anyone who might me interested and the one time they did the guy “mysteriously”died. I used to go out with my friends when they would go to bars but I ended up spending so much time alone because because they would be off with their boyfriends that I just stopped going. It got too depressing.
I’ve tried dating sites for the past 9 years and only got one coffee date out of it with a guy who waited until the last minute to cancel what would have been our second date. When guys ask about past dates and relationships I have absolutely nothing to tell them and it makes me feel miserable.
I’ve been using the same logic you do except I say if I’ve never been in a relationship why should I think I ever will? I’ve absolutely lost all hope.
Also even if I did date someone I feel like we are at such different places in life that it will never work out. I’ve only ever been kissed once. A guy my age has done much more than kiss and lost count of how many times long ago. I’m never going to be “good enough” or equal in a relationship. And of course I didn’t always feel this way. It’s just something clicked when I turned 35 that made me feel like this just wasn’t cute or marketable any more. No one wants a 36 year old who doesn’t know anything about relationships.
Dear Tamara. I’m really sorry you feel this way but I do understand where you’re coming from. To be honest when I wrote this peace I wasn’t aware there are so many people who’ve never been in a relationship and the first piece of advice can only make them feel more miserable, because it sounds like they never will either. It’s hard to believe otherwise if you have no proof, but I do believe we all can find love. I am preparing an online program designed for people like you who haven’t been dating for long (or ever), and I’ll be launching it in a couple of months. In the meantime if you’d like to have a session (first one is free), why not contact me and have a chat. Take care, and thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Petra. I originally posted my experience on another forum a while ago, but having found your website, I thought I’d post it here too.
Next month, I’ll be turning 40 and I’ve never been in a real relationship. I’ve tried all the things suggested on various dating & relationship advice sites. As soon as I got a real job & moved out of my small town I logged onto all the dating sites (they were free back then) and over a 2-year period met face-to-face with more than 20 men. I only saw 2 of them after that initial first date. I did not become romantically involved with either of them, and I am no longer in contact with either of them. And yes, I have “asked him out”. On multiple occasions. I’ve discovered that asking men out is the quickest way to make them disappear from my life.
No one would go near me in high school because I was a nerd. There was one boy that I liked for a long time. He was nice to my face, then when my back was turned he would tell our classmates that he hated my guts. In college I dated an emotionally abusive jerk for 5 months. 10 years later I hooked up with a co-worker after we’d spent 6 months flirting with each other. We were working late in the office and to make a long story short we ended up kissing. To make another long story short I ended up at his place where we did some X-rated fooling around. After he got off I thought he’d be a gentleman and return the favor. He just shrugged and said that he always needed to sleep after orgasm, then proceeded to kick me out of his apartment. At 3am. He didn’t want very much to do with me after that. A few months later I got another job and moved away and I haven’t heard from him since. This occurred 10 years ago, and there’s been nothing and no one since.
There’s an online article I read that says it’s possible to maintain passion at 40, it’s just harder. I’ve never even had a chance to let it start! And that makes me so profoundly sad. Author Jodee Blanco says that the hardest part of being an outcast isn’t the love and warmth you don’t receive, it’s the love and warmth you’re not able to give. It just builds up inside you and backs up like sewer rot. She’s dead right. And now that I’m getting old it just crushes me inside to think that no man will ever want me. I’ve never been very attractive–I’m not hideous, I’m just not someone that would make a man sit up and take notice when she walks in a room. And now that I’m getting old I’ll be less and less attractive, and whatever chance I ever had of finding someone is evaporating right in front of my eyes every time I look in the mirror and see the fine lines and the hair that’s just starting to turn gray.
I wish I could just give up and perhaps accept the fact that no man is ever going to want me. But love and sex and romance and all that stuff just seems like such an important part of life, and whenever I consider the ever-more-real possibility that I may never experience it, it just makes me cry. Why did God make me so horrible? I used to think that the reason I was alone was because God was saving me for a very special person. But now I’m thinking that it’s just never going to happen. And I feel like I’ve been screwed out of one of the most fundamental reasons for wanting to be alive.
I always thought that if I just had one chance to be with someone special I would be the best girlfriend ever, that I would love this man with my heart and soul. I’d be his friend, his lover, his confidant, his partner, whatever he needed, as long as he loved me back. But I now realize that this is a fairy tale. And fairy tales never come true, do they?
Dear Marie, thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I am deeply moved and saddened by your story. As I said in reply to some previous comments: I had no idea there are so many people like you out there who never had a long term, or in some cases any romantic relationship. I do believe this can be turned around, but the problem has to be examined from multiple sides, and that requires me to spend some time talking with the person in question individually. In general, what I think is the biggest problem for most people is lack of belief they will ever find anyone, which of course comes from their experience; but – this is a self-perpetuating issue, the more bad experiences you have, the less you believe you’ll ever find someone.
With that comes the terrible depletion of self-confidence in the romantic arena: you start thinking you are not good enough, not interesting enough, not attractive enough and it just gets worse and worse because the more you think like that about yourself, the less likely it is to find a partner. If you don’t believe you are worthy of someone’s attention and love, people see it as insecurity, neediness, desperation, they hear it in your words and see it in your eyes, and that’s what makes you unattractive to others, not your core personality. It’s similar to when you’re interviewing for a job: if you’re insecure about your ability to perform and doubt you have the rights skills and experience, it shows – and your chances to get the job go down the drain.
For people who struggle like you this feeling started long time ago – you say yourself that even in high school you felt like a “nerd”, which tells me that even then you thought you were not very attractive to be someone’s partner. By now it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is the first issue you need to work on: your self esteem. It has to be restored back. You are not less of a person because you didn’t find a life partner. And I’m sure in concept you’d agree with me on that, but you have to feel it and believe in it with your whole heart. Everything else (dating tips, flirting advice etc.) is just cosmetics, and it will not work if you yourself don’t think you deserve to be loved by someone for who you are, just the way you are.
Petra, I’ve been reading your blog as I peruse ideas on how to find a partner myself. I won’t go into my own particulars, since others here cover them well. I appreciate your enthusiasm for the work you do, and, like most, respect your positive, can-do outlook and your desire to help others. So please pardon my candor, but the advice you give, even acknowledging that you don’t know enough about many of the more challenging cases such as Marie’s, seems to me, and I’m sorry for being critical, once more, condescending and dismissive, even though not overtly cruelly so. You say to Marie that she confesses she “felt like a ‘nerd,'” when what she wrote is that she “was a nerd.” While that may seem like a minute semantic difference, and while I confess I didn’t know Marie back in high school, there are individuals who are widely perceived culturally, especially in restricted contexts like high school, as nerds. I was one, and that has nothing to do with any unhealthy self perception. We humans are adept at naming things, and “nerd” is just one broadly understood category used to name certain types of physical, social, and intellectual human characteristics that may be independent from the way we actually perceive ourselves, but which, on a statistical distribution of community members, objectively maps to others’ perception of us. I find it counterproductive to transparent, mutually respectful, constructive discourse to distort another speaker’s assertion about a perceived fact, given she was the only one here present in that circumstance, and then to link the so-called feeling/perception to the individual’s failure to realize her aspirations (“self-fulfilling prophecy”). Marie’s community may simply not have, to its own detriment I’d guess, have found her as viable as it otherwise might have.
Though I’m not sure it’s what you intend to do, by linking “feeling like a nerd” to Marie’s long-standing lack of success at attracting a relationship she is happy with, there is the potentially specious validation of self perception as the chief cause of Marie’s lack of a relationship. And that is a potentially dangerous distortion linguistically sensitive individuals reading your blog may internalize. I certainly hope Marie by now is happy in a satisfying relationship, but not everyone will have a relationship, just as not everyone can earn an A on a curved physics exam, or every college graduate will win a job offer in her major field. Life is competitive, and while a positive attitude is certainly helpful in realizing our dreams, there’s never any guarantee that hard work and assiduous application of expert advice will make our dreams come true. For some, the probability of realizing a given dream, even with the best of intents, is simply, sadly, low.
Again, I don’t mean to be rude or unduly critical. But just as in medicine, judiciously counseling hope means respecting that (and being honest about) sometimes–often more than we’d like–we don’t get what we want.
Well Efraim, I understand where you come from and I agree that certain looks/behaviour can be simply labeled as nerdy across the board, so in that sense – yes you can say Marie “was” a nerd. However, your second theory is something I simply don’t agree with – otherwise there would be no reason for me to do what I am doing. How we feel about ourselves is KEY to finding people who will love us just the way we are, which of course includes romantic partners. There is no such thing as pre-set low chances, everything we want in love is possible when we love ourselves. The problem is that most people are very unhappy and insecure in their skin, and from that place you cannot understand how life can be great and rewarding when you are happy. In Marie’s case – being (labeled) a nerd and feeling bad because of it, as opposed to being one and feeling good about yourself regardless of the label – would make a huge difference in Marie’s life, and would immensely increase (in your words) her probability for finding a loving partner. You only have to look around and see tons of nerdy people who have partners – people who look and act different from the “mainstream” yet have no problems finding love. Because they are happy with being different, and they don’t feel they compete with the “normal” people. They simply find ones who are alike them, and understand and respect their uniqueness. And believe me I know this very well from my life too – I was never labeled a nerd but was nevertheless very very different from most “mainstream” people. And it was very hard for me to find a partner for long periods of time until I realised that I am not on a popularity constest, and that there are people out there who love the fact I am different, who appreciate the fact I think and feel differently about the world.
Your comment brought me to true tears; because this is the most truth about this issue that I’ve heard. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that by now maybe things have gotten better for you. I know people tend to forget that there are some out there who don’t always win.
What about people with skin conditions and disabilities where finding love is hard because someone doesn’t even want to touch you?
There is truth in that too.
Now I know this isn’t a writing forum/blog, but I just have to say that your whole comment was beautifully written. Every word reached out to me. Especially when you used that saying “It’s the love and warmth you aren’t able to give.” That’s what brought me to tears.
I have a friend who hasn’t had much luck with love. She’s really pretty. And I hate to say it, but tormented by acne. (a petty thing for some, I know. But for others it actually destroys their lives.)
We’ve been friends for years, since 8th grade (and still are even after college).But it disturbed me the other day when she told me that she gave up on love, and was going through the mental and emotional processes to come to terms with being alone. That was why I came here to this site, to find something I could say to help her out.
I did, and thank you Petra. But she’s still pretty set on the idea of being alone. So, I guess I didn’t really help out too much.
She told me that “the world was raw and full of shallow people.” (her exact words)
I don’t know what kind of experiences she’s had to make her think that way, and I don’t really need to know what isn’t my business. But, I still care as a friend; so I tried my best to tell her that the world is also full of caring people.
Time will only tell if things get better for her. Maybe they will or maybe not. We’ll see.
She’s 22 so I think there’s still hope. But it’s just really sad to hear someone say things like that.
It’s great you’re trying to help your friend, but it’s hard to change people’s minds. You can tell her this: there is no way she will stop wanting to be in a relationship – she can’t decide mentally to do it. Her heart will never listen, and the pain will stay – numbed, but it will be there with her always. Second thing you can tell her – all the obstacles, inner and outer, that prevent her from finding love can be removed. Giving up on love is giving up on yourself. Nothing worth having cannot be accomplished that way, that is the way of fear and escape – and it won’t resolve her pain. Pain and suffering can only be resolved by emotional growth, not withdrawal. If she wants to run and hide from pain, life will find a way to hurt her again, in other relationships, in other situations. Not because life isn’t fair, but because it is designed to always feed us with opportunities to overcome our fears, insecurities and issues so we can be happy. Wish your friend all my best and do let her know I offer free Skype consultations if she’s up for one.
I could really use your help, i have no one to talk to in life. Im so lonely and my heart is so sore
Hi, sure, will send you an email soon.
Hello, I found your blog interesting. What I wanted to point out with regards to myself is that I have been single for that amount of time. It’s getting harder now I have had a few rejections. I have asked out people who as it turns out view me as nothing more than a friend. I tried online dating, got completely ignored for months. I then talked to a wonderful lady online whom I seemed have so much in common with. We arranged to meet but after she cancelled said she wanted to rearrange but then messaged me saying she was seeing someone else. I didn’t even get a chance. That seems like a trend now, basically near misses all the time. Sometimes I have taken the initiative and gotten knocked back and it’s just hard. Other occasions I haven’t and regretted it. I have tried looking as well as doing little as people say ”don’t look and it’ll happen when you least expect.” But still nothing, at all ever. I lead a good life, I have a wonderful family and I’m at uni. It’s just with it being final year I think it might be the wrong time to get involved with someone anyway. Apologies for the long spiel it’s just that I have been single that whole time and want someone like that in my life so much. Not necessarily someone for a long term relationship but just something.
Dear Marcus, thank you for commenting. As I’ve said to many people who commented on this post before you, I know it’s tough and I know it’s hard to believe it will “just happen” if it has never happened to you. And if you’ve been rejected of course you wonder why. I can’t tell you anything specific until I hear a bit more about you – but for a start, see if you can find some answers in my paper: ‘5 key reasons why you can’t find love’ – you can find it at this link: http://petralovecoach.com/freebies/. I am also preparing a comprehensive online program for people in your situation, it will be a step-by-step guide designed to get you to a place where it will be much easier to find dates and partners. If you’d like to discuss this further in private, please contact me via email and we’ll arrange a timing. My first session is free.
Thank you for the speedy response, I’m interested to check out your stuff. I may consider getting in further touch in the future.
Thank you for your post. I wish I could look into the future and see hope. I am 43 and have 2 teenagers. Been divorced for 3 years. Then met the love of my life. We recently broke up one week prior to our 3 year anniversary over logistics. Long story, but he got cold feet. 3 months after the breakup I reached out to him via text advising how miserable I was without him in my life. He agreed. We texted back and forth for a few weeks and it looked like all was going great. Possibility of a reconciliation. Then all of a sudden his tone changed and he seemed angry with me and kept blowing me off. Finally he told me that he had NO feelings for me anymore and that he was now question our entire relationship and the love we thought we had.
I am completely devastated by this. I dont understand how you can change your feelings overnight like this. I have never loved like this before. I feel almost like I cant fathom meeting anyone new ever again and feeling the love I did in this relationship. I almost dont want to feel that again because the pain is so tremendous. It also hurts to know that he has been able to completely move on in his life without me.
Ive gone to the online dating site, but its totally bad for my ego. Im 43, average face, average body and it seems the men prefer gorgeous face and slender body. It makes me feel worse so I just deleted my profile. When you are my age and don’t hang out at a bar, its really hard to meet new people. I’m concerned I will end up alone and sad the rest of my life.
I do have family and friends. Im not a hermit, but I am not out there easily to meet people either. I kind of like the idea if I want to go lay in bed at 7 pm I can. I can do what I want when I want it, but I also miss the best friend/lover situation that I had. What do you do when you dont see the light at the end of the tunnel and all you feel is sadness???
Dear Kim, thank you for sharing your story. I know it’s hard to be in a situation where you feel heartbroken, rejected and disappointed – I’ve been there many times myself. Most people experience similar feelings and similar things, whether they’re 20, 40 or even 80 (I actually had clients who were 80+ battling the same issues!). My biggest advice to you and everyone else is: please don’t stop believing in love. You just made a bad choice, that’s all. The man you were dating changed his mind, but that doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love and you won’t find it with someone else. In fact, what it means is that he was just not that good of a match for you in the first place. You thought he was, but he simply wasn’t the one, or the love of your life. If he was he wouldn’t walk away in such a way, without a proper explanation, he wouldn’t give up on you so easily and in such a hurtful way. So what happened doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means this particular person wasn’t the one for you. And I’m sure if you think about your relationship and interaction from a bit more objective perspective, you’ll find some signs of that even during the times when you were still together.
Also, please understand – not many people look like Hollywood stars or supermodels, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it either because the man you are looking for won’t be that shallow as to only assess your qualities through your looks. There is much more to people than looks, and most people who look for true love and connection know it and see past it. The ones who pick their partners primarily based on appearance are not the ones you want to be paired up with any way, because they won’t be capable of seeing and loving you as a beautiful, multidimensional person that I’m sure you are. So don’t worry about them.
I am sure there are men out there who value real women, and real looking women. I’m sure you have some examples of such people in your group of friends and family. I know your confidence is a bit battered and bruised now, but you’ll have to change that – and see the value of your qualities and all the things you have to give to another as real treasure, which will in turn attract the type of partner that will see and value it as well. This is the biggest and most important issue for most single people – they just don’t believe they are “good enough” for someone to love them. Once you start changing your perception of yourself, things will start to change in the love field as well.
Please feel free to read some other of my blogs, I’ve written about this topic a lot – and also please check out my guide on why people can’t find love, it’s here: http://petralovecoach.com/freebies/ – where I explained the most common reasons which block us from finding a loving relationship. And of course, if you’d like a more personal approach you can get in touch for coaching. My first session is free so you can try it out and decide whether it works for you.
Dear Petra, my raw feeling about the reason why I am still single is that I have been meeting the wrong men who don’t love me, thus in some cases I have decided it is better to remain single. It does get daunting being single sometimes, especially when I see the so called ‘happy couples’ and im single and the one who has no success whilst others are happily together..often the thought go’s through my head why this is the case and why am I single and others, some who are just average have someone?……it always go’s back to the feeling that all these men were wrong for me, for if they were right they wouldn’t treat me in this way, because true love doesn’t cause hurt, worry and somewhat sleepless unhappy nights that I spend like this in which I spend looking the internet up to find others who are also in a similar situation to myself…it is the holiday season now, and I am single in what appears to be a couples world…single forever is a painful concept, however what can I do? I tried my best and I have given up long ago..such a long time of disappoint, I am 33 years old now and have been mostly single for a long time, except for a few very short term relationships that have ended up in disappointment and more unhappiness for me…I wish that someone could wave a magic wand over me and finally I could be happily married like other people are. For its not right that I should miss out just because there are so many bad men out there intent on ruining womens happiness and hopes and dreams of getting married. I don’t know where to look anymore, I act like a zombie, my hear is frozen, im not allowed to feel love, its like im being punished or something when I see the happy couples. Is it possible someone evil put a curse on me because they don’t want me to be happy and get married? I mean that does cross my mind quite a lot, and new age people get a lot of customers asking for curses to be cleared/or toxic energy from past relationships to be cleared and then all of a sudden they meet the right person! All I know is, im a lovely person, and its for no reason expect for jealousy, evil and meeting the wrong men that I am still single. But I believe in god and that will help me in the end, even if I have given up hope……..
Hello, thanks for commenting. I am sorry you feel this way. There is no magic wand, but there is help. I am sure you can find someone to love, and trust me – it’s never too late for love, so don’t give up hope. You probably do need some help to understand what is blocking you from attracting a partner. If you are interested in some guidance – I’m preparing a comprehensive online course for people who are, like you, stuck in a long term single status and don’t know how to go about finding a partner. Details will be online soon so will keep you posted. Also, if you’d like to get in touch for some private coaching let me know. I offer one free session, via Skype.
I dont think anyone will ever love me because nobody ever has before. Ive had flings yet nobody wants me for more than sex but i honestly dont think i put that message out there. People tell me they think im pretty or funny and the like but i just want somebody to care about me enough to want to be with me. Its all well and good people saying they like you but nobody seems to want to actually go for it. Im only 20 so i know im being stupid but im just so scared I’ll be alone forever
Dear Heats, you are indeed a bit young to get worried about never finding someone – but I do understand – even at your age it’s not a great place to be in. think it would be great if you talked about it with someone, a professional who can help you find the reason why this is happening to you. If you’d like to talk with me, just contact me on email and we’ll arrange a session (I offer one free Skype session). I also recommend that you read this guide, it might give you some answers and food for thought: . Thanks for getting in touch.
Hi Petra, I stumbled across your blog and this article has given me food for thought that maybe I am contributing misery to being single because I am not fulfilled enough in other parts of my life. I need to improve my actual social scene and find a new job because with my job it is difficult to have a life outside of work. I am only 24 but feel down because it seem like everywhere I go I see couples and most people I see on Facebook are in relationships. I have never really had a serious relationship and it doesn’t help when people ask me stupid questions like if I am lesbian because I’ve been single for so long. People tell me they are surprised I am single which just makes me feel worse and like I am cursed because I just seem to have bad luck with men. For some reason I just haven’t met the right guy yet and I do have certain things I look for in a man. I don’t think I am overly fussy but I have standard which I have lowered before and not for the right reasons so I don’t want to settle for just any guy who comes along and shows me attention.
Hi Jennifer, thanks for contributing. I am glad my post has given you some new insights. When we’re single and want to have a partner, all we see around us are people in relationships. But that’s not at all true – there are millions of single people out there. I think it’s good you don’t want to settle for any guy, and you shouldn’t – being unhappy in a relationship is equally bad if not worse as being unhappy on your own. But I would agree with you that looking for opportunities to socialise and meet new people is a good strategy. Doing fun things, enjoying life, laughing, discovering, learning, travelling, taking a hobby, watching silly movies – all the things you can do to fill your life with more stuff you love is good. When you feel good in your life, you automatically become a happier person, more content, more confident, more you – and from that position it’s much easier to find the right partner, not just because you come across as a wonderful person full of life, but also because you are not so ‘desperate’ to find someone to fill the gaps in your life and make you happy – because you’ve already filled them yourself. Good luck, and if you’d like to read more on this topic, this guide is a good start:‘5 Reasons Why You Can’t Find Love’.
Hi Petra, I have stumbled across your blog and it has given me food for thought that maybe the reason I am feeling down about being single because I am not fulfilled enough in other parts of my life. I need to improve my social scene and it doesn’t help that my job doesn’t really allow me to have a life outside of work.
I am only 24 but I have never been in a serious relationship just short relationship and haven’t ever really been in love. It makes me feel sad that I see couples every in the street on Facebook etc and I feel like I am one of the few single people.
It doesn’t help when people act shocked that I am single and pity me or ask stupid questions like if I am lesbian. I haven’t met the right guy yet and feel like someone has a curse over me because I just don’t have any luck in meeting a decent guy who appreciates me. Any time that I have met a nice guy they usually disappear from my life so it is very disheartening.
Jennifer, if it was legal, I would might actually date you. I’m a nice guy. I don’t disappear at all. But it feels like girls don’t want that. You’ve had relationships. I never had any at all. Which sucks. I also feel I’ll never get my first kiss. Don’t feel bad. You’ll find a boyfriend that will love you. Want to be with you forever. I just that will happen to me with girls
I do believe you have some good feedback but I have been trying for 5 years to find a partner. I have tried everything. Joining clubs, gyms, multiple online dating sites, really trying to put myself out there and nothing has worked. I do at this point believe it is out of my hands and I feel I have lost control and do not know how to get it back. I try to have fun when I go out and try to be “approachable” but it seems I do not get the time of day when I go out and I do not know how to break this cycle?
Hey. I personally feel me wanting to race cars for a living keeps me single. And that’s been true I’m 15. Most people find the one by the end of their high school career. I have the fear if that don’t happen to me, then I’ll never find a relationship. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Never been asked out. I’ve basically given up. Should I try again or just realize that I might actually be single forever?
Hi Tyler. What can I say, you’re really really young to think this way. You’ve barely reached the age when young people start having a romantic life. And most people nowadays get serious and start families in their late 20s and 30s. So you’ve got plenty of time to do dating, relationships and think about who you’d like to be your life partner. Nost people your age haven’t been in a real committed relationship. Maybe on a date, but not much more. I’d suggest you be the one to ask a girl you like out, and just see what happens. Even if you get rejected there’s no harm trying again. I don’t think you need to find the love of your life by the end of high school. Most people don’t either. They might find someone to date but that person is rarely someone they stay together with for the rest of their lives. I understand your desire to fit in, love and be loved, but you don’t have to worry. Just make friends and enjoy your youth and things will happen!
And btw, I also think that racing cars is a great way to become popular with the girls 🙂 so just go ahead and follow your dreams, your passion for car racing is not going to get in the way of your romantic life, trust me.
Your article offends me, what silver spoon have you been given? Change jobs? Have you any idea,what the job market is like? As you being a woman, I wouldn’t expect you to understand how hard it is for men, society has clearly shifted dating/meeting succes in your favor. Yes, everyone I know IS settling down because obviously they’ve done something right. Sadly, here I am in my mid 30s with the realization of the deterioration in attractiveness of myself and my peers. At some point you have to realize you were not meant to achieve certain things. Otherwise you are building a fantasy for someone like telling a 5 ft. person that if they just believe and try harder they will eventually get into the NBA basketball league.
Hi Max, thank you for contributing to the discussion. I am sorry you feel this way and find it hard to change things in life. I know changing jobs is hard especially in the last few years but I also think if you’re miserable in your current one and it makes you unhappy – you need to do (or at least try to do) something about it. As with anything else you’re not happy with. What else is left but fighting for what we want? We could all just sit at home and complain we’ve never been given a break, but the truth is – those who look for it will have a better chance of finding it. You have to be active in life to achieve things in any area – and I don’t just mean active in doing, but also actively look for ways to examine and re-shuffle your views and beliefs if they are blocking you from being happy.
I haven’t been given a silver spoon, I’ve always worked for the things I wanted. I come from a modest background and from a socialist/communist country where nobody was really well off. But I managed to get education and worked my way to what I wanted in life professionally. And as for my love life, I was single for 6 years at your age, and I had few 3-year single periods before that. So it wasn’t all rosy for me either, but I never gave up on looking for love. I only met a great match who is my husband now at 36. I also don’t think our looks deteriorate that much in our 30s… and most people learn to look beyond looks as they grow up, other things like personality and character become much more important. I wish you all the best and please don’t give up, keep looking and working on getting the things you want in life. All my best!
p.s. Trust me, girls don’t have it any easier than boys. We’re all in the same s*** when it comes to romance.
I believe you have a good point that it’s the anxiety of “how long?” that creates the misery and desperation, rather than being single itself. I personally don’t have a problem with being single for 6-8 months. It’s when it’s longer than that that I start to wonder “how long?”. When it’s been over 3 or 4 years, I start to wonder “what if it’s forever?” Now, 5 years in, I really believe it may possibly be forever.
However, if somehow I knew beyond a doubt that I would meet someone in the next year, I would probably stop worrying.
“it’s very unlikely you’ll stay alone for the next 10 or 60 years of your life. Maybe a few max. Two or three. If you are actively looking, it will very rarely be much longer.”
I’ve been actively looking for 5 years.
“Do a reality check. What grounds you have to believe you will stay single? Think about your life 5 or 10 years back.”
I disagree with these. When I look back at the last 5-10 years of my life, I WAS single this whole time. I
have only been actively looking for the last 5 years of my adult life, however. I have been trying Internet dating and going out in the community on and off for the past 5 years and am still yet to find my first girlfriend.
Looking for single people is good advice. Not just to count them/point out that they’re there, but I also find it very helpful to have single friends in my life instead of hanging out will all coupled people(which makes me very depressed because it draws a lot of comparisons)
Changing other areas of your life to feel that you have more control is also a good idea. Unfortunately, I’m having major trouble executing it because of chronic health problems stopping me from keeping a job or holding down any type of serious occupation.
(It’s also possible that I am getting rejected on the dating market because of my health, but very few attractive women show interest even before I disclose 🙁 )
Dear K, thanks for your insight. I do agree I generalise a bit, but even if my numbers are not precise for everyone – I still think having a time perspective helps a lot in believing that things can happen and change. Sometimes we just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and that’s what makes us even more miserable. If you’d like to discuss your personal situation in more detail, please feel free to contact me for a coaching session (first one is free).
I guess like everyone else I stumbled on your page on a very low self esteem moment.
I’ve read most of the other comments in here and to be honest most of them only made me more scared about the future.
I’ve recently turned 26, and like someone above I have no problem at getting the opposite sex attention. I’m attractive, kind, smart and funny (or at least so I’ve been told millions of times) and I do have several people trying to make a move, always did.
My problem is that I dont connect with people easily.
I go out every now and then, I sometimes meet men who make me laugh and treat me nicely, but I just.. don’t connect with them.. I have to feel that spark.
So altho I’m all those nice things above, the closest thing I had to a relationship was a complete emotional wreck since he was completely insane.. (insanely jealous, extremely insecure, constantly trying to start a fight over absolutely nothing).
Still, I stook by his side for a whole year while he would one day say he loved me and the next tell me he was done.
Two weeks ago I realized I was crying a lot more than I was smiling, I lost 22 pounds and started to smoke a lot in the last couple of months. So I was finally done with it. I had to move on.
Before I met him I was always alone. Was never in a relationship but every couple of months I’d go on dates, still went out with friends,
I was ok in my loneliness.
Now I just.. I feel like I will never feel that spark again and will always keep looking for it and failing..
Because when I realize most of the people my age had their teens crush, their first love, etc, while I didnt have any of that until I was 25.
What are the chances I’ll ever fall in love again really? In my head they’re slim to none.
I know it’s ridiculous. I’m 26, I’m young, I don’t know what the future holds.
I know what the past holds, and if the future is anything like the past, it holds absolutely nothing when it comes to relationships and love.
I had a date today. It may be the reason I’m here actually.
He was nice and educated. Funny even.
… Don’t feel like seeing him again.
Maybe what you replied to the other comments is true tho.
Must first heal the wound before I’m able to truly move on.
But this is such a deep wound.
I wish I had my first love at a younger age, while my parents were still around and the world looked full of possibilities.
Eh.. Just thinking out loud..
I do appreciate the advice to look for other single people.
There are tons out there, it’s true, so that made me feel a little bit better, thanks.
Kudos to you.
I have had a similar experience, only relationship I had was with a crazy woman who was not well in the head. I connect with girls easily when I’m happy but have trouble connecting with girls on a deeper level. I have always been comfortable alone but still wish I had someone all the same. – 25 yr old guy.
Hi Petra, I am also 29 and single. I’ve recently broken up with an on and off boyfriend, however now I have to start over. What’s hard is that I’d like children and marriage, etc. But I’m getting older. I’m starting to feel that my dreams of having a healthy and loving family will never see the light. Your article makes me feel better about finding love in general, however I may not find that in enough time have a family. That is the most hurtful part to me.
Hi Monique. Well, I was in the same position as you at 29, broke up with a long-term boyfriend, and look at me now – married to the most amazing man on the planet at 39 🙂 Don’t lose faith! For kids you have the next 10 years, easily. But I’m sure you’ll find someone earlier than that. Well, if 10 years doesn’t seem like a long enough time, then contact me for a session, we’ll see how we can turn your thoughts around and get you to a better place. Also, I’m running an online course soon for single people to speed them up in finding the right person (check this link). Good luck, and please don’t give up hope. You’re still so young and things will surely happen!
Thank you for your encouraging words and for sharing your story. You’ve given me some courage to be brave and stay optimistic during this dark time 🙂
So good to hear that – and thank you for reaching out!
pretty amazing stuff up there. I am a 21 year old who is fat and unattractive. I am trying to lose weight and work upon my hair but the process is very slow and I don’t really think so things are gonna be get straight. I just wanted to know that should I just accept the fact that I am never going to find a guy who loves me.. A boyfriend whome all my friends have. I seriouly do have to wait until I get rid of all the things which make me ugly. Am I really doomed to never be able to deserve love
Hi Jessica! So what will you do with the rest of your life if you decide now, at 21 that you’ll never find a guy who loves you? That will be one miserable life, even if it sounds easier and less painful to just give up on love.
The way you see yourself is much more powerful than the way you actually look. Confidence is what you need, not the weight loss. When you get your confidence and you see yourself as one wonderful person with so much to give, someone worthy of love no matter how big you are, the boys will come. You can get it with or without losing weight.
If you want to lose weight that’s a great goal, but do it for yourself, not for boys. Do it because you want to feel good and be more confident, do it to prove yourself that you can. Losing weight is an amazing way to learn that you have your life under control and you can change it. And it’s a fairly easy way – I know, it’s not THAT easy, but it’s still much easier than in other areas of life where other people are involved. Here you just need to control yourself and build some willpower. So yes, do it if you want to feel good. That’s a great first step to becoming more confident, more yourself, more alive. But do keep in mind this: loving yourself and valuing all that you have to give to another will get you a great guy much faster than the way you look.
Thank you for sharing, and all my best!
Thank you very much I find your advice reassuring I have been single for awhile now and I recently met this ggirl at my local hobbie shop we had a great conversation and she seemed nice so I Added her on facebook we talked awhile that night but she has ignored me for weeks aI recently invited her to lunch as I have trouble expressing myself on the internet no reply I talked to my friends includeing my ex girlfruends who I still remain good friends with they all say I should leave it and focuse on something else as I am a nice funny guy who goes out of his way for others I was going to try meet someone this weekend as I am off on a lads nightout but after how bad last attempt went im not sure I have the courage to approach anymore Im sorry for the longrant by the way
Dear Michael, if a girl isn’t interested – there’s nothing much you can do. Don’t give up at the first rejection, dating is like looking for a job, sometimes you’ll get it, sometimes you won’t. Sometimes you’ll have several offers at the same time and you’ll have to choose the best one. Sometimes you’ll think a job is right for you only to find out later it isn’t. It’s all a game of trying and learning as you go along – about yourself and others.
You have to spend some time asking girls out and figuring out what’s the best way, and who’s the best fit for you. All of us have been through it – very few people are that lucky to find love with the first person they ask out, and it still doesn’t mean they’ll be happy together forever. Rewards come to those who persist – trust me I know this – I dated a fair amount of frogs before I found my prince 🙂 But I always knew that I mustn’t give up trying, otherwise I’ll never find him… and late is always better than never.
Your girl who’s not interested – is most likely not a good match for you either, otherwise she’d be keen and jump at the opportunity to see you again. Plus, she might have a boyfriend or is in love with someone who doesn’t want her. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you if she doesn’t want you, that’s only her preference, and not a sign you’re not attractive or interesting. All my best to you, and please don’t give up looking! Take care
I’m 35 and while I have been on dates and not a virgin, I am alone. I have never had a girlfriend. I do not enjoy life.
You commented about empty phrases and immediately followed up with one in response to someone. Why not try to empathize with someone?
This has been a complete waste of my time.
Hi Dave. This article was written with a lot of people in mind – people who had relationships but have since lost hope. I did actually realise only after I wrote it how many of you are out there who’ve never been in one at all. And I do feel for all of you. But, if you want me to tell you the world is an unfair place and that’s why you’re single, that’s not what you’ll get from me. I do believe we are in a very big % responsible for our good and bad luck in love. And I don’t mean that in a blaming way, just trying to open people’s eyes so they see that there is help, and they can do something about it. It’s really no help to you if I say – yes, I know how you feel, but hey – life is unfair. I’ve also got some other resources that tackle the most common issues and offer concrete help – check here and here. All my best, Petra
Unfortunately, it seems like what many have said here is true and it’s the same for both men and women. Sure, there are always exceptions to that rule but they are just that exceptions.
I’m 49 and I have never been in love or been married. I have no children. My very elderly parents are heartbroken because they have no grandchildren. I go to the weddings of friends and I see their happiness and never quite understand what they are experiencing. It leaves me feeling very sad. You are brought up to believe that certain things will happen and you just need to be patient and positive. And then one day you realize that you have been misled and that everything you’ve been told is just a whole series of white lies. And it really cuts you to the core.
The only thing that sometimes keeps me same is that I sometimes come across young people with terminal illnesses, as part of my work, and I know they would much rather be me. And I can’t help agreeing with them. But cold comfort is not real comfort.
If I were to raise my fist at anything, it would be the randomness of Nature but that again is completely pointless. What I am doing now instead is working tediously and saving my money as I hope and expect to have enough for major plastic surgery to my face in 3-4 years time. That way, maybe I’ll get to experience a little of what the “pretty” people have before I put on the wooden overcoat.
But perhaps it is possible to address that issue if one is willing to take risk and work long term towards that goal. Myself, I also have a less attractive face and women never looked twice at me and before when I was obese, even scurried away from me like I was a monster should I dare smile to them. I could have easily ended up hating women cause of it but I never did.
In the end its up to how much your willing to risk and what effort your willing to put in to do something about your situation. If you’re a career person with a good income and property, you can afford extensive plastic surgery if it’s required. For most, going to the gym is a start and eventually enough. If your facial features are not attractive however, there is only one option…surgery. The reality is that looks will determine for most people who you marry, how well-liked you are and your social/work status in general.
I just wish I had been this determined 25 years ago, but we are always being force fed the line that there is someone out there for everyone if you love yourself others will love you to blah blah blah…it all seems like a Disney fantasy. .
Dear Dominic, thank you for your comment. Yes you are right – many people struggle like you – until they finally lose their faith in love and ever finding it. But hey, that’s why people like me are here – to help you change that. Get you going and help you remove all the obstacles that are in your way. And trust me, your looks are not the biggest problem, but all the confidence you lost because of them. I’d love to help, so let me know if you are interested in giving it a go! All my best, Petra
I was single 5 years ago… as well as 10 years ago… In between 5 and 10 years ago I had a very short marriage, he was my first “relationship” ever and have been single ever since it ended.
I just re-read that, the time line is confusing. 10 years ago was 2004… I was single. “Relationship” between 2005 and 2008… single to this day… Forever alone.
Hi there. I do agree my article gives only one angle at the single-forever feeling that you and many others have, and the solution I offer is not suited to everyone’s experience. If you’d like to read more and get a better insight into why you’ve been single for so long, I recommend this: 5 key reasons why you can’t find love. Thanks for commenting!
I have been single for years aslong as I can remember and never been in a proper fulfilling relationship, im 34 and its scareing me to death, my late father has been married twice and has more than five children including me and I aint even got one, when I meet a girl I don’t no how to act or maintain a relationship they always seem to keep me at bay or just want to mess me about, just feel hopeless and like you said desperation starts setting in and that even makes it harder to find the one, any useful suggestions thanks. ps. its hard I think,maybe its because im short and maybe a bit shy but I feel like am missing out on happiness big time !!
Hi Jason. Thanks for reaching out. As I said to most people here – I would have to know more to be able to give you any useful advice. There is always a confidence issue involved with not being able to find partners for a long time, but other than that – I really can’t say unless we talk a bit more. If you haven’t downloaded my ‘5 key reasons why you can’t find love’ resource, I think that would be a good start. It’s up there on the menu on “Freebies” link. You can also send me a bit more about your situation on email. All my best to you.
yeah, its most probably confidence issues that I need to build on, have got all the advice I need I think well being is most important in my case and am going to work on improving my physical and mental health and concentrate on things that really matter, other than worrying about being single. people i know would laugh if they knew but its an issue that isn’t no joke to me, especially over xmas periods ect. its hard but I know exactly what you mean by eventually attracting the right group of people around you. just change your way of thinking and look after yourself and I reckon ill be just fist fine. thanks for the advice.
Thank you – for getting in touch. All my best! P.
Hi Petra. Thanks for this article. I know what it takes in theory to become more hopeful but a very ingrained thought in my head keeps telling me that it will never happen and that love is only reserved for the happygolucky ones and not ever for people as sad and depressed as I.
Im 27 andbeen with two people for max of 8 months and they echoed the behaviours of my abusivr parents.
I know therefore where part of my choosing stems from. I just feel so awfully sad all the time and this loneliness pervades hope. I cannot truly hope when I am feeling so low.it doesnt come out right. It feels artificial and far away. 🙁
I look at loving couples and feel like ill never get that and it will never happen. My mind keeps saying that its absolutely impossible to meet someone. The world is a very desolate place for me these days.
Hi Nadia, and thank you for your sincerity. I fully understand where you come from and how things can feel really hopeless at times. But you and only you can make a change and break away from old patterns, and if it feels too hard, there are people out there who can help you. Please do not give up hope because if we give up hope what’s left? A life of quiet despair, and none of us was born to live like that. Changing your mindset and your beliefs will be the most important step to heal your past, and that is a change that is fully under your control. Wish you all my best!
I came across this post tonight while I was feeling down, and it has really touched me, as I am currently struggling with this issue. I’m 25 and I’ve never been in a real relationship, and after all these years of being single I honestly don’t see that changing any time soon (the fact that everyone around me seems to be getting married while I can’t even get a date doesn’t help either). I used to believe in love, but that faith is long gone. In fact, I believe that in the last couple of years I have actually become bitter about it. I can’t stand romantic stories and happy endings (whether it’s in books, movies, music or real life) anymore. Perhaps love does exist, just not for me.
I always seem to fall for the wrong kind of guy – the guy who wants nothing to do with me and always ends up making me his best friend and getting involved with someone else. I can’t help myself from thinking that maybe there’s something wrong with me. I’ve tried to do things for myself to help me grow and be more in control of my life, and though they have helped, sometimes they aren’t enough. Desperation and loneliness sink in from time to time.
I guess I should just try to take it easy and let go, even though it’s really hard…
Thanks for posting this 🙂
Ana, I am in a very similar situation. It is somewhat comforting just to know that there are other people dealing with the same thing I am dealing with, so thank you for sharing your situation and your thoughts!
Sylvonna, I totally understand you. It’s comforting for me as well to know I’m not alone in feeling like this. Hopefully someday we will be able to see the light and our faith in love will be restored. After all, we need to make the best of the time we have in this world, so it is not worth it to go around being all bitter and sad.
In the meantime, I know it’s hard, but we need to do things that make us grow and nurture ourselves as individuals. We will have or down days, like everyone else does, but I have found that doing these things makes me see love and life in a different, more positive way. Despite what we sometimes might feel, it is true that we are the only ones who hold the key to our happiness.
Thanks for replying; I wish you the very best with your journey! 🙂
Hi Ana, thanks for commenting. You are one of many people who come to me disappointed and disillusioned in love, so yes – you are not alone at all. And I know how hard it is to be in that place, but I also know the cure because I’ve been there myself too. I have a brand new post that deals with exactly your question and was partially inspired by it:‘Labour of love’, so I encourage you to read it. If you’d like to discuss your situation in more detail we can have a coaching consultation over Skype (it’s free).
Hi Petra, I read your post and found it quite interesting and encouraging. As I was reading it I realized that all the things you mention are things that I somehow know deep down, but I’ve been to scared or lazy to put in practice because as you say, it is a lot of work… Thanks for sharing your knowledge an experiences, and for reminding me once more that the most important tool we have in this journey towards the discovery of love is ourselves. I might take you up on that skype consultation! 😉
Thanks Ana. Always good to hear my words are inspiring people to change and make their lives better 🙂
I feel in the same situation and feels like I’ll never get out of it. I thought I was the only one who felt this way because I see everyone around me getting married and starting families. My ocean of fish is getting smaller and smaller everyday is what it feels like.
I know it’s a tough place to be in, but believe me all this can change, and you are the one the one who has control over it. If you’d like me to see how I can help you to get to a better place do contact me for a consultation. We’ll explore the reasons why you can’t find a partner and give you some clues to what needs to change. All my best!
thanks for your advises. i am 25, i started down this lonely road very early in life. i have a disability and that’s what held me back. every time i asked a girl out, this was what NORMALLY happens.
.the guys will tease me because of my disability, they are not some wired guys no i’m talking about my best friends that i hangout with everyday.
the girls, at first, they were close friends, after asking them out, they went silent, then they would attack me aggressively about god knows what, then i would start seeing them with some other guys.after some times, these so called friend of mine would gather around me and encourage me to keep on searching until i asked somebody out,then the whole scenario happens all over again.
some girls that i met surprisingly asked me out, but i always end up being played for a fool.
in 2009, i met this girl at work, it was an on and off relationship and it ended up with her pregnant with some other guy’s kid. i had to resign because i feel so bad about it. i told her i liked her but she told me she never knew about it until she get pregnant, can you imagine? WOOW!!
at first, i had fantasies about meeting a girl who cares and understand and accept me for who iam. but when reality comes up, i found myself struggling in world of rejection and discrimination. while my friends find love, i had to wipe my brows and move on.
i started out with high hopes but now, my hopes are worn out. i’m just tired of feeling sorry for myself, i’m also tired of feeling depressed because maybe nothing will ever change. i don’t want to be alone when my parents are gone. i just want someone to be there thats why i took the risk and face all that but for what?. why do women have to be so cruel? i had also developed negative thinking about myself, about girls too, it seems tome that all of them are just the same, please dont tell me that women are different from each other because i saw no difference at all. i hate my life, really. the only thing that keeps me going is my talents and my passion for music. god created human beings in his image, haaaa! i wonder who’s image i am.
Hi there. Thank you so much for being so honest and open. I can imagine life can’t be easy for you! Most of us who don’t have disabilities often think we are in some ways “disabled” when it comes to being happy, and we often forget how lucky we are, and how grateful we should be our bodies are healthy and whole. I’m not trying to minimise your struggle here though – but, whatever disability you have, that shouldn’t be stopping you from enjoying life and finding love. You can always, always improve the quality of your life and you can definitely decide to stop feeling sorry for yourself, because that’s just a waste of time and won’t help you feel better in any way. Instead, please look for ways to make the most of the cards you’ve been dealt, and trust me – the more happy and content you are with your life in general – the less will you see yourself as this unlucky disabled person, and the less will others see you that way. There is no way the right girl will fall for you if you see yourself as unworthy, damaged or not good enough. For some inspiration – please look up Nick Vujicic. He’s a guy born with no arms and legs, and he is married with a kid and really living a life most of us can only dream of. And that’s all because he said to himself that he won’t be defined by his disability. Please think about it. I guarantee you that the moment you start changing the way you see yourself and your life, love will appear in it. Wish you all my best!
I wanted to thank you for writing this article and for providing such heartfelt and considerate advice. I’ve been feeling really insecure about my chances of finding a girl who likes me for who I am, since a lot of the things I like aren’t really seen as cool, and I’m pretty shy and not as loud as the other males around me. I was confused since I’ve heard people say “be yourself”, but I started to feel like people wanted me to be someone else, and that the only people who would actually like me for who I am are my loving family. I know I’m happier being myself, but I felt like i just needed to accept the fact that i’d always be alone.
Unfortunately no girl has shown any real interest in me, and I felt that girls just weren’t interested in anything that I had to offer. I always felt overshadowed by others who were better than I am at sports/conversation/whatever else. This naturally hurt my self-confidence and it became a vicious cycle. I still haven’t dated or anything, but I do feel a bit better after reading your article and your advice, and knowing that I’m not the only one.
Hi Aqua, thank you for reaching out. You are certainly not the only one, and – there is help! You don’t have to settle for being alone the rest of your life, never never settle, that is just giving up on yourself and life – there is always a cure and it’s usually easier to apply it than we think. Please contact me on email (CONTACT ME page) if you’d like to discuss more or have an initial consultation so we can see what we can do for you. That is free of charge and we’ll do it over Skype.
I wish these words rang true however everyone’s path is different. In my case I is for the worst. I’ve been living life on this planet for 32 years as if I’m invisible. I don’t have a tragic background. I have a home, education and some success… But I’m alone. Always have and always will it seems unless I settle for someone with baggage or some kind of issues. I’ll never ever get to be with that all american girl. It’s so sad. A home with no one to share, a fancy car with no one to cruise with and nice clothes that are never worn. I just by 33 I’m somewhere else.
Hi Raz! I think there must be a reason why you’re so alone for so long. It doesn’t just “happen”. And it doesn’t only happen to people who had tragic backgrounds and traumatic experiences. Why do you think you have to settle? And what exactly is baggage and issues? We all have some of those. 33 is not the end of the road, so if you’d like to do something about your situation, please do contact me (via CONTACT page). I am sure you can do so much more, and be happy in love.
Hello Petra. I know this is almost a year old topic of yours but I see some recent responses so I shall chime in. I have always been one of the most personable people the ones around me know. I have a reputation for making others laugh as well as being the one people can count on in bad times as well as trust for deeper things. I have only had one relationship many years ago that just happened to be ideal both at the time and in the present. It ended due to me moving and her moving as well. I have done nothing since and here’s why. I have struggled with the lack of a certain “drive” that society seems to be obsessed with and I’m sure you know what I am referencing. There is no “interest” in the subject matter and no medical or mental reason for this after years of “tests”. I have no come forward as being asexual but I simply have no desire or interest in the subject and no one has been able to accept this. I have no desire for kids either. That turns most away. The very thing most are obsessed with is the one thing I cannot get into. My one relationship was “perfect”. There was great communication, trust, love and intimacy without “certain” contact and she was always fine with it but expressed it would be tough down the road. I moved 2 years later. I’m going on 25 years old this year and I cannot bare people my age and I only see it getting worse. I HATE looking towards the future because I just see myself in the same place emotionally that I do now. It affects my day to day life too which adds to this. Would love to hear from you if you have ever dealt with anyone in this scenario but I highly doubt it. I have no problem “doing it” for when the time comes (after marriage) but finding a girl who respects me, and has the patience to wait for that moment is almost non-existent. Yes, I believe in fairy tales. hehe I spend my weekends at the lake and up in the mountains painting, writing, picnicking and relaxing but always doing it alone gets old; especially when you go home to an empty house. Hope to hear from you. Thank you!
Hi Chris. Thanks for your comment. I’ve met people like you and I think it’s perfectly OK to have no sexual drive. Some people who are as also prefer to be single because they don’t want to share their life with a partner and since they don’t desire sex, they are happy with just having friendships. But you are somewhere in between – you wish to have a romantic relationship, but without the physical side of it. I am sure this can be an issue when you’re looking for a partner, because most people are sexual, and if you find a partner who wants to have sex and you don’t – the relationship will not work out. I think you should try to specifically look for women who are similar to you and make it a priority in your partner search. You can start online and see where there are communities that attract like-minded people, and take it from there.
It is certainly difficult beyond the most wild dream… I don’t even know where to begin as far as websites go though. I’ve talked about it on several sites and the responses are all the same. “Just accept no one is out there and you’ll get over it”. If it is to be that I’m alone my whole life (even though my desire for some kind of connection is strong), I’ll probably lose myself in my own misery and move abroad where I can live alone with no one around. That would be ideal if this is the way it should be. Thank you for responding and I agree it is a tough thing to deal with being “in the middle”.
Hi Chris, maybe something like this could be a start: http://www.asexualitic.com/ – don’t know where you live but I’ve seen groups on meetup.com which attract people who are into platonic relationships too.
Yeah that all nice things you say but what if im single and had no gf for more than 15 years?
I want to kill myself ;_;
Hi. I am sorry this obviously does not help you then. Please let me know if you’d like to talk about it in more detail – we can have a session and see where the issue is. There is always help – and I am qualified and very keen to help you! Just send an email via my contact page. Thanks and please don’t lose hope.
Hi Petra, I’m kind of facing the same problem. I’m from Malaysia, turning 22 this year and I’ve never ever date guys before. But that wasn’t a problem until recently, my parents keep talking and forcing marriage to me and I just freak out >< I've never fallen in love or in a relationship my whole entire life…. So out of desperation and fear, I went on looking for it . Mostly through online because I'm an introvert and too shy to date guys in real-life…And yes! Most of it ended up in unrequited love and heartbreaks :'( But then I learned that I can't force love if it's not meant to be. I learn to let go and give freedom for love to flow on it's own. And yet once again….The same o' thing happen !!
Now I feel pretty much stuck, hopeless, unloved, lonely, depress…. plus the pressure from my parents… I really don't know what to do anymore :/ To be honest, I do believe in true love and soul-mates but my heart has been wounded many times and with all that bitter experiences….I'm starting to doubt it. I know that I'm still young and It's stupid to just give up. Yet, there's a big part of me that gets worried if I'll never find "the one" and ends up alone for the rest of my life…I'm confused on how and what can I do to fix my broken, wilting heart…. I seriously need help ;;___;;
Hi Nesrin, you’re not alone feeling like this – there are many people, and even plenty of those who’ve commented on this page who are in a similar spot. I know when we’ve had a lot of rejections it’s hard to believe love is possible for you and it will happen any time soon. But I am sure it is possible for everyone, and we are usually our own greatest obstacles – because we just don’t feel like we deserve it, we are unsure of our own value and about what we have to offer to another. I am sure the pressure from your parents doesn’t help you feel good either. I’d like to give you a more concrete answer – but for that I’d have to know more about you and your experience, so please let me know if you’d like to discuss this, we can have a consultation over Skype which is free. Please contact me on email via my CONTACT page or just send me an email directly. Trust me, there is a way out – and I’d love to help you find it. Thank you for reaching out and wish you all my best.
Everyone posting here truly has no clue……
I post all this NOT as a way to gain pity, advice, or sympathy, but in an effort to help others realize just how full their lives may be. I have no family, no siblings, no children, no ex-spouse, no in-laws, etc. I’ve never encountered anyone even remotely as isolated in the world as I am. At times I think incarcerated inmates have more interpersonal interaction than I’ve had (albeit probably unhealthy interaction) in two decades. I’ve resolved myself to the fact that I will die alone, eventually eaten by my pet, until the body is discovered weeks later. Such as it is, this is my life.
I’m 45… and have not had a real relationship – either romantic in nature or friendship – in more than 25 years. This generally due to my life being more of a struggle (which I can’t blame others for avoiding) and not due to any lack of desire.
I was somewhat popular in high school. But had to grow up fast in my junior year after the death of one parent (father) and the subsequent abandonment of the other (mother). I’ve been on my own since I was 16. Got my GED at 17 and then I managed to scrape by and put myself thorough college. Honestly because at the time, thats what I thought I HAD to do (it was a wise choice but difficult financially and socially). I was popular in college as well, but my focus was on getting through it and money unlike most other students. After college I had to work to live while others were moving back with their parents or taking wild excursions for a year. My social skills were never fostered as a child and the necessity to keep my head down and push forward as a young adult never really allowed me to accumulate very good social skills in general.
I was homeless from the age of 28 to 30. (Took a job offer which fell through and money eventually dried up.) I managed to pull myself out of that with a little help from a homeless shelter and my college education. And have been self employed, and work alone from home, since the age of 34. (11 years now for those keeping track). In short, my life has been a consistent struggle to find SOME stability in general. I’ve had stability for more than a decade now, but due to the struggle to get here, I missed out on any social aspects of life and it is apparently becoming too late.
I rarely speak to other people. I can quite literally go a full week or more without the need to speak a single word. Much of my communication with others is via email. There are occasional business-related phone calls, and interactions with bank tellers or grocery store employees, but those are never of a personal nature, naturally. I have not even touched another human, other than a handshake, in literally 14 years.
While the internet offers me the ability to make a good, stable, living without the constraints of a boss or time clock, it is a very prolific catalyst to isolation as well. So…. while I can see Petra’s advice as possibly helpful to some who are merely feeling lonely at the moment, I felt in necessary to post in an effort to explain just how NOT alone most of you are.
Reflecting back 10-15 years does NOT show more interaction or relationships in my life. Heck even 25 years doesn’t really show any more interaction. I’ve had 2, very short lived relationships since high school. One of which was in college and the other a couple years after college. I fear I have grown to be so independent that my independence in itself is what generates the solitude. I truly know how to simply get things done without asking for help, because there is no one I can ask and really never has been. I am almost always alone, but honestly rarely lonely. I happen to be in a bit of a lonely spot at the moment, which is how I stumbled upon this posting, and was amazed at the general whining taking place when CLEARLY most of those who have posted here are merely feeling lonely at the moment, but aren’t really alone. That’s fine. There’s no harm in feeling lonely at times. But one should realize that for the bulk of you, it’s YOUR choice to be alone.
To be blunt, if you have a job, school, or some other regular required interaction with others, you are alone due to your OWN desires and you can choose to change it the moment you wish to. Nothing I’ve read here is REMOTELY equivalent to real isolation. I don’t wish my path on anyone. It’s been a struggle. And yes I would enjoy the opportunity to meet someone and struggle through things together.
I am not here seeking advice. Quite honestly because its doubtful any advice would ring true for me unless you really know what it’s like to be alone and in my experience 99% of people have absolutely no clue despite their protests to the contrary. In addition, the “advice” generally given is always the same — find a church, take up a hobby, go to a bar, join a club — I won’t go pretend to worship some invisible zombie in the sky just to interact with people. I’m a rational person and can’t fathom relating to those with such delusional thought patterns. I can deal with them, but on a more personal level that’s an area which does nothing but generate argument, contempt, sarcasm, and ultimately resentment. My hobbies are of a cerebral nature and more solitary hobbies — art, music, etc which, while they can offer some interaction, are still independent areas of fulfillment unlike things such as sports or otherwise physical endeavors. I do not wish to surround myself with those who would frequent bars or other “social” clubs therefore there’s little point in trying to meet people in areas I would not traditionally frequent (You may as well tell me to go to a Klan meeting even though I’m not a racist). Pretending to be something you are not, does not breed healthy stable relationships in my opinion. At my age, there are few which can possibly understand and relate to me in general due to the decades of independence and isolation I’ve been through. (And that’s a good thing for them, not something I posses others should seek.)
Here’s the gist of this terribly (unintentionally) long-winded post……
So many people say they feel alone, and I’ve read it here… then you find out they have children, they have a spouse, they have siblings, they have parents, they just broke up with someone….. if any of that is true, 90% of the time you CAN’T be alone unless you WANT to be. It’s YOUR fault for not reaching out to those in your life. Live a life truly without anyone, and no real opportunities to interact, then you’ll know what it’s like to be alone. I’m dumbfounded at those who are under 30 and complaining they are alone because some guy or girl broke up with them. That is not being alone. That’s just some internal desperation to have another person in your life. There is a difference. Seeking codependency and not finding it is not being alone. I’m obviously generalizing here – there are unhealthy abusive relationships which you are clearly better off without. But my experience tells me most of you….. in fact, probably ALL of you…. have a relationship you can foster right in front of you to combat your loneliness. You are merely choosing to either ignore that relationship or just want to feel sorry for yourself.
I would rejoice at the thought of a sibling or parent I could simply turn to for advice when I’m struggling with something. Or a child I could invite to lunch were I feeling lonely. I’ve NEVER had that luxury. Be thankful for what you have and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Turn off the damn computer, forget about Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and the like, and focus on the interactions you ALL have every day. You’re spending way too much time basking in the glow of a monitor rather than just listening to the world you have around you. Trust me, you need to embrace any and every healthy relationship you have, no matter how small it may be.
Hi there. This post is about being single (without a partner) and not being alone (without anyone in your life). You are right – alone means being on your own, but we often use it in a context of not having a partner, and I think it’s clear from the article what’s the meaning I was referring too. So in that sense I don’t think the comments here are misplaced at all. People who desire to find love and can’t are experiencing pain and disconnection too, and I believe their struggles are genuine and human just as yours.
Your life story is very touching and sad. I do feel for you and your struggle, but your path is so difficult partly because you chose to be so isolated. There are many people who lose parents and have no siblings and they find a way to make a family of their own and surround themselves with other people who care. I personally think the value of our primary family is often misinterpreted as the people who should love us unconditionally, and be there for us at any cost. And sometimes they are, but more often they are in our lives to challenge us to grow and become aware of our strength, not so much to provide love and support. The fact that your parents have abandoned you is not an excuse or cause for living your whole life in solitude. In today’s world when social interaction is almost impossible to avoid, and there are so many different people to choose from to make friends with, I can hardly believe you’ve never met anyone you had enough in common with to make a meaningful human connection. I think it’ more probable that you just felt like it’s you against the world, and all the traumatic experiences you had just hurt so much that you decided to stop interacting because it seemed like an easier (less painful) choice. No close people = no risk of getting hurt. I know it’s hard for you to believe this can be reversed, and maybe you don’t even want it – but it is possible. Your wounds can be healed. It’s not too late – at 45, or 65, or 95.
Re Dominic’s post 13th Feb………..Grrrrrrrr! Why do you assume that only good looking people get into relationships? ( Have you never seen the Undateables?)
I am 48 and have been single for 5 years, my last relationship only lasted 4 months, and that has pretty much been my dating patern since splitting from a long term partner 12 years ago. I do get chatted up when I go out socially, but I do not class myself as stunning. I am extremely shy, and would die of embarrassment if someone tried to chat me up in a supermarket (not that it happens much in England!) I have tried dating sites, and a few (brave) friends have tried to set me up. I am also quite old fashioned and would prefer things to happen naturally. The thing I have noticed is that men seem to be more drawn to a woman who is happy and relaxed.
Although my world has become much smaller now and the loneliness has been crippling at times, I feel blessed that I have learned so many things about myself. When I achieve something new I feel extremely proud. I do not feel that material things matter so much anymore, you end up chasing the next, big car, house, holiday etc, happiness comes from within. I don’t mean to sound naff, but Dominic, not all women are as shallow as you think, I would find a man attractive if he shared the same values and principles, someone you have things in common with and who has a great sense of humour goes a lot further than a six pack and a chizzled jaw line! Of the few friends I have who have had surgery not one of them is any happier.
Whilst I would like the next man I meet to be a keeper, I think we should ignore the smug marrieds for now and embrace our single selves.
Thank you for your insightful comment Donna. Agree very much, looks don’t have much with it. We can find love no matter how we look, and it’s much more about attitude, beliefs and what we carry inside. Attractive people sometimes, but not always, find partners more easily – but that doesn’t equal with finding happiness with another, or finding real love and connection. Thanks for chiming in!
I ran across your website and I was reading comments you have written to other people when you replied back to them. I am having a major issue health issue which has compounded me not being able to find a relationship. I was in love 2008 and had a four year relationship with my ex-fiancé and it ended in a pretty volatile way. It was pretty bad situation because a child is involved. Well I have been single for almost a good 3 years now and back in January starting to date again well I met a guy I really liked and we had a great connection so I thought my single years were over with well after I slept with him when we were in a relationship after dating for awhile I contracted HSV-2 from him so as you can probably understand I am pretty scarred right now and I also have health issues that I feel will make me alone for the rest of my life. I feel as if no one will want me now. I have a lot of issues from past relationships that have done there due damage but I don’t understand why I meet these awful men that start out to be wonderful but it always ends so ugly. I am at this point feeling worthless and gross. I don’t think I am an ugly person I think I am beautiful and I know that no matter what kind of person I am or how beautiful I am that this will continue to happen? I now after being diagnosed don’t see much of a future at all with anyone.
Dear Sylv, thank you for reaching out. I am really sorry to hear this has happened to you (the health issue), but I think that doesn’t have to be an obstacle to having a fulfilled love life. I read about it a bit, and even though it is an annoyance it seems manageable (there were comments from people with the same condition saying they found relationships and all is working well) – and it shouldn’t be a problem for someone who genuinely cares for you. That brings me to your other issue – dating awful men, and I think that is your main problem that should be looked at – why do you keep attracting and dating men who don’t treat you well. If that changes and you start meeting nicer men they will accept and love you as you are, and the medical issue will be just a minor glitch. You certainly have a good chance to find love, trust me on that. If you’d like to talk about it a bit more, let me know via email – we can have a Skype consultation which is free. Take care!
Hi Petra, It’s Sylvia I would like to do that. My email didn’t remind me that you responded back to me. Thank you so much for replying back. I keep attracting men like this because I was sexually abused by a church member I used to attend with when I was a little girl and then later on taken advantage of by an older man at age 16. I have always had supportive parents. I have had so many years in therapy and I have since thought with all that therapy and work I did to get better and mentally healthy that I struggle with intimacy and relationships with men are always sexual in nature. I never meet a decent man and I think there are root issues stemming from the sexual abuse. I read many types of articles on HSV-2 and I know what your saying but I feel as if I have all this baggage and why would anyone want me.I try to stay positive but I have stopped even trying to date because I am embarrassed and I just don’t want to deal with talking about it to anyone. I struggled as it was even before all of this occurred and it feels like an even bigger hurdle was placed in front of me. Is it ok for me to be alone? I keep being told by family and friends someone one day will love me but how can I believe them when I don’t see that at all.
Dear Sylvia, I will send you an email response.
Hi Petra, I came across your blog in a Google search. I was recently broken up with by the first man who seemed like he might be “the one”. It had only been six months, but we were very in love. I believe my insecurities and my feelings of unworthiness ultimately made me sabotage the relationship by constantly questionining his intentions, where the relationship was headed, etc. I believe I gave many subtle signs that I didn’t have faith in the relationship lasting, though in reality I desperately wanted it to last and was simply trying to protect myself. I am 29, attractive, and intelligent, but I feel as if my romantic life is over for good. I am absolutely terrified that I will always alone, that I will never get to have the husband and family I want so terribly. I’m having trouble eating, sleeping, going to work, or seeing any point in anything, though I know I have a lot of gifts in life and I am ashamed to be stuck in this wallowing and rumination. But I truly do not know how to get out of it. Please help.
Hi Tress, yes you need to get out of this gloom – but it might be so hard because you’re still very heartbroken and recovering from this break up, so you need more time. However thinking you’ll never find someone again is definitely something to be challenged, why do you feel this way and what could help you change it. Sometimes someone comes along and we think it’s the real thing, and if we’ve never had it before it can have a powerful hold on us even long after the relationship is over. I actually wrote about that in my newest post so do take a look here: How to get over someone you don’t want to get over. Also if you’d like to have a consultation – we can discuss this in private and see how best to move on. If you’re interested in that, it’s free – so just send me an email via my contact page. Thanks for reaching out and trust me it’s all solvable! All my best.
I want to believe with my entire being that I will find love again…but there are times when I slump into just trying to buck up and accept that I will not. I am 60…a very young, progressive and fun 60 — no one ever thinks I am the age I am. I was married a long time, I had two children that are now on their own; they have their own lives and although I see them, everything has changed. I am on the peripheral of their lives when there were many, many years I was the main person in my children’s lives. Their Dad passed away 10 years ago…I had short relationships here and there & actually 5 years ago, I was engaged…that ended badly & I’ve been alone ever since. I have a lot of love, devotion, laughter and wonderful things to share …I sense I am about to walk into a brand new life with a wonderful love but that remains in my mind. Unless someone walks the exact same road, it’s impossible to know what it is like to have survived love and loss…losses of many kinds through the years…and still remain hopeful that love will shine again. I do know this – if there comes a day when love does find me again, there will be no one that walks this earth that would feel more gratitude, joy and bliss than I will feel at the miracle I have found.
Dear Jane, you are not alone in your story. There are many people who lost their spouses, with grown up kids and feeling a bit lost like you. But love can and does knock on our door at any age and it has nothing to do with our life situation, but more with how we feel about it. I am sure your late husband would be happy to see you happy, as well as your children. I’d love to have a consultation and see if we could get you to a better place – please let me know if you’d like that on email. Take care and all my best.
im a 5’3″ male. enough said, 5 years single. I physically feel my heart dropping in my stomach
Oh your height cannot be a issue, there are plenty of women who are shorter/same height or just don’t care. I think your self-consciousness about the subject is what’s causing you problems. Please let me know if you’d like some help around that, you don’t have to stay alone.
You’re a dingaling. I’m a 5’9″ woman and have a fetish for men shorter than I am. What’s the turn-off about shorter men is that exact complex: the “no woman would want me” thing. More than one cute little head-turner has pushed me away with it. I’m a tall girl and think I’ll never ever find that sexy little guy who fits into all the nooks and crannies the right way 🙁
So stop being a dingaling. We’re out here.
Hello, interesting fetish! I guess it’s hard for many guys to feel manly enough next to a woman taller than he is – it is a purely ego/insecurity thing, but it’s a concept that is very much engraved in our psyche, that’s why most women want to date taller men too… and find it hard to be with shorter men. I think you need to find a guy who is confident enough about himself so he doesn’t feel less of a man when he is around you. Plus, maybe just consider dating taller men yourself too, why not give them a chance? Height usually has no relation to our happiness in relationships, many other things are much more important.
“But when we’re looking for a partner and not succeeding, and we feel we’ve been single for way too long (Months? Years? – definition of “a long time” can be very subjective)” -> I have always been single…
Hi Arthur. I recognise there are people like you out there who have never managed to find a partner, and many have commented on it here just like you. If you would like to explore the reasons behind it, it would be necessary for you to give me some more insight into your life and experiences so far. We can have a Skype consultation which is free of charge, so please contact me via my contact page or email if you’d like to schedule one. Take care and wish you all my best.
Hı ı love your post ı read ıt over aóver thank yöu:-)my problem ıs. My heart ıs broken so many tımes that ı cant ınajıne any man acceptıng me fully ı lost my eye and now have tö wear a patch and now ım afraıd no man wıll ever truely love me and ıf ı do fınd a man he wıll leave for a woman wıth two eyes do u thınk ı could fınd love also?
I read this article,and i felt that i would share my disappointing life with you, here’s my story.
I am just an average looking, outgoing,shy and friendly guy. I did not expect much about a girl.
But when i was ard 16, i met this girl who was outgoing and friendly to talk to, i kept this crush for her for about a year. Soon after that i decided to confessed my feelings for her but was rejected straight on the spot, i was so disappointed and depressed after that moment, i felt like i’m a useless guy. It took me a long time to recover from that. Then, when i turn 17 after recovering from the disappointment, i met another girl in my class, we started talking together and did things together also, we also shared the same passion in sports too. I felt a spark, and held a crush for her but, after a month of holiday, she started to distance herself from me and i starting to doubt if that my crush for her would turn into love or not. But i did not master enough courage to confess my feelings for a girl once again :(. Soon after she found her soulmate. I could not take bcos i had failed once again getting a girl to like me. I was so sad after that, i cried every night thinking about how i failed myself. Can you give me any advice on how can i overcome my failure? And find a girl again?
Hi Jit, I am sorry you feel this way, but you are very young and you’ve only “failed” with two girls which is hardly a long record. I know it bothers you that neither of the girls you wanted didn’t want you, but just keep going and don’t be scared of rejection. Most people experience much more rejection when they are looking for a partner – I’ve had my share of it too, a lot of it (you can read about it here and in some of my other blogs) – but they still manage to find their right partner and be happy in love. And that’s what counts! Instead of failure try to look at your experiences as lessons in love – and improve as you go. The more you ask girls out on dates, the more you communicate and show interest in getting to know them better, the better you’ll get in recognising the girls who are a good match for you and those will be interested in dating you too. Good luck with love, and your exams too.
I’m just scared, been hurt so many times in the past and don’t think I could go back to all that pain again
Hello, I know – fear sometimes gets the best of us. I completely understand where you come from but that is exactly how people stay single a long time. I believe you need to keep trying but at the same time protect your heart by choosing better, and taking things slower. And once you are out there with the right energy and mindset, the person who comes will be protecting your heart too. Thank you for sharing.
Hey, I’m turning 21 this year. Never had a boyfriend, I rarely meet guys in my course at uni. I dont go out much. I’m attractive, funny, smart, friendly . But afraid that guys will never approach me cause I m Asain and people think that I’m over qualified .
Hey Vol, I think you’re still very young but nevertheless understand your concern. I believe there is always a reason we can’t find a relationship, but it has usually more to do with what you think than what other people think about you. I’d love to discuss your situation in more detail so let me know if you’d like to schedule a consultation. Please contact me over email via my Contact page.
I see you’ve reached out to everyone here. I really appreciate it. I guess I’m facing the same problem of feeling that I’m going to end up alone unless there is a huge miracle, and I have reasons to say that. Also I’m If you could get in touch with me on my email too it would be really helpful.
Thanks a ton
Hello, thanks for reaching out. Will send you an email.
: p bull. Some people are just hard to find fits for. Then we get old and less attractive and it only gets worse. The fact is the world is not fair and there’s simply not someone out there for everyone. If there’s someone for you, you should feel extraordinarily lucky and be grateful for your fortune. That said, nearly all of us have some extraordinary luck in our lives, and we all have things to be grateful for. It’s just not the same things for everyone.
Dear Paul, thank you for contributing. I don’t agree with you that only some people get lucky, and if you’re not among them you are doomed. Finding love has much more to do with our confidence and how we feel about life and our chances of finding someone in general. You say – it’s hard to find a good fit, and it is true – but we’ll always find one if we believe it’s possible. If you believe it only happens to some lucky people, you are making it much harder for yourself. I know it’s a good way to console ourselves – it’s not me, it’s my luck, but that is just an excuse that makes us feel better about not finding anyone yet.
it makes total sense what you’ve said, a lot has happened in 10 years, there is no proof that everything stays the same, it is only in our subjective mindset therein lies the trap. I once thought I have it all figured out, but I now realized I don’t and it’s a comforting feeling, a liberating state.
thank you for giving me peace of mind.
a thousand times thank you.
Thank you for your comment. Much appreciated!
Hello there :]
Well I am 20 year’s old and can honestly say I had a better sex life in high-school. When I was 17 turning 18 I went out with this really shrewd,unstable girl who kind of took control of my life. Prior to her I was doing great. I was in shape, my sex life was amazing,everything was normal. However,after this last girl completely wrecked me i.e cheating,head games,verbal abuse etc. It made me chose to take a break from woman for awhile….awhile. During my hiatus I made some horrible mistakes. I began to withdraw from my buddies and began focusing on online gaming. I started to eat a lot and put on a massive amount of weight. Suffice to say I was falling into a deep depression and I was lost. This went on for about two years..than when I was 19 I realized something…I have been alone without a companion for years. I’m no ‘don juan’ but I do feel as I’m a pretty handsome and I had my fair share of girlfriends/friends w/ benefits. Anyhow I began to focus more on my friends and my social life more. I figure to keep myself busy,I worked hard in my classes and began running/lifting/exercising and I have lost alot of pounds now a year later. I went from 190 to 167 ( at 5’7 you can imagine how bad I looked ). I began dressing more stylish. However, all the vanity does not distract me from the pain of being alone. I continue doing well in class,working out,dressing nice but it does no good for me. I try taking better online pictures but I feel like I ‘forgot’ how to take a picture. Ill message girl after girl desperately trying to get a response and if I’m lucky 1 out of 15 will answer and guess what when she does respond I barely know what to say. I feel I lost something that once came to me so easily. The thing is I don’t want to have sex with a billion girls, I know im young but im truly petrified of growing old and alone. I want a companion,a best friend and lover. Something more than my buddies can give me. I try going out to meet girls but it just never seems to work. Im not looking to rush either, I do believe in letting things develop. But im going insane from the lack of physical contact and emotional ecstasy… I been so lonely im even talking desperately now. I really have no clue what to do or where to go from here. I mean its literally been 4 years now since I even went out on a date. A thousands thoughts run threw my head. “Is it my height?” “do I look different/act different?” “why am I suddenly being rejected/ignored?” “What am I possibly doing wrong now?” and of course there’s that inevitable fear of being alone forever . The thing about me is im a fighter,I dont give up. I was diagnosed with ‘kallamens syndrome’ as a child which is a hormone imbalance issue that Im in the process of getting fixed and yet I can over -come something like that but getting back into a relationship is seemingly impossible? I dont get it myself.
Dear Frank, I hear you – but don’t have a simple answer. Your confidence has taken a hit, that is obvious – but why you feel this way is the real question. I would need to hear more -if you are interested in having a free consultation over Skype do get in touch (via my Contact page or just send an email). Thanks for reaching out!
Hey…just saw your post and read a few messages in the string….amazingly, you’ve replied to all of them…..wow! that’s great…I just wanted to say that you’re doing an awesome job…there were times I needed the emotional support you’re giving others now….thumbs up! 🙂 and you’re beautiful! 😀
Thank you Ritu 🙂
Hi. Im 14 and im really scared that i will be single for ever. I know its stupid to think that because you know i just a teen but i cant stop thinking about it.
Im not really good at talking to guys or making new friends, but all of my friends have had boyfriends except me. I feel weard.
What really anoyes me is that, when i talk with boys by Whatsapp (phone application, like facbook) and we start to say nice things to me and stuff i get really like scared and just feel like saying -Good bye- and never talk to them again. I’m trying to force miself to meet up with this guy i like, but then i feel like i just dont like him enough, that im scared. I do it just to prove to miself that im not going to die alone sort of thing but im just really confussed and i dont know what to do. Please help
Dear Rachel, yes you are very very young to be worried about not ever finding a boyfriend, but I think it would be worth to talk about your fears and see where they come from, and how to remove them. Why don’t you send me an email and then we’ll arrange a coaching consultation – just send an email via my CONTACT page.
Wow, its amazing to read all these stories. Dont know how to feel after reading them all.
I was very fortunate to always be in a relationship my entire adult life (starting at 21). I never really had the fear of not finding anyone because I guess I always just thought it would be there and happen. Luckily for me even during relationships, I’ve had men interested in me.
I am now 43 and single. Me and my exbf broke up almost 11 months ago. He was the love of my life I believe. Anyway, at first I wasnt worried about it because we kept in touch every month. 3 months post bu, we began to text and were on the same page as for getting back together. That lasted 2 months. All of a sudden things on his end changed and he no longer wanted to talk and chose to end things. At first I was ok with it once again because I thought “he’ll come around” I wont be by myself. Well that didnt happen. That was in November.
It was at that point that fear hit. For the first time in my life I was completely alone and had no man in the waiting to take me out. Each day after that my fear of being alone forever has gotten worse and worse. Ive taken the right steps to get back out there. Online dating, going out with friends, going out with coworkers. I don’t sit at home all the time, but yet its still not happening.
Im now finding that not only am I fearful I will never be in a relationship, Im starting to become fearful of being in one.
I think it is my age that worries me. Im not young like alot of the posters here and fear that even though I know there are men somewhere out there, they aren’t interested in me. In reading the post of other posters around my age and hearing they have been alone for years, scares me to death.
Unfortunately, living in the now, and not being fearful about the future is hard.
I am 36 years old and divorced for 3 years. I have been on 3 dates and there was no chemistry. I am online dating and I get overlooked by men my age and even older. To be honest the only guys that e-mail me are under 26 years old. I am actually on 3 websites and so frustrated that no one close to my age reaches out to me. I am attractive, funny, and talkative. These guys just will not give me the chance. And offline the people that are nice and attracted to me are in the 20s. I don’t want that at all. I met a nice neighbor of mine. Very well educated and friendly. Problem is he is 26! First time I approached him I was so let down I walked away so sad when he told me he was 26. So sad! 🙁 3 years is a long time without affection from a man. I have great and loving friends, family, and a puppy. I am missing my other half. I don’t know if I want kids. I am going to be 37 next month. I am feeling so let down that guys older than me overlook me. It hurts my feelings. I am not that old. And as for the 26 year old I am sure wants a family some day and marry someone his age. I wish him all the best. You don’t know how sad I was when he told me his age. When will all of this get better? I am putting myself out there,,,,clubs, gym online dating, Church, asking people to set me up. I don’t know what else to do. I miss the affection from a man. It hurts me inside.
Dear Christen, I know how you feel. It’s very frustrating to see your efforts amounting to nothing – or something you don’t want. There is usually an explanation why we repeatedly attract the wrong matches, and I would love to explore this more with you if you’re willing. Let me know – we can have a coaching consultation (it’s free).
I would love to have a coaching consultation with you. How to proceed?
Dear Christen, I’ve sent you an email regarding this. Also feel free to contact me on my email via CONTACT ME page.
Dear Kim, thank you for sharing your story. I think it’s great that you’ve been able to find partners so easily so far. I would absolutely take that as a sign that you will be able to do so in the future too! You are capable of doing it, and that’s where you should draw your confidence from – as you said yourself – you always believed the next guy will come along, and he did! But why isn’t it happening now? It could be that you need some time to recover from your previous relationship. If you still have feelings for your ex, that is sending a mixed message to your potential partners. You are single, but maybe you’re not emotionally available which creates a block to attracting the right person. I am happy to give you some more feedback, but I would need to hear a bit more from you to do so – so if you’d like to have a Skype consultation let me know (just send an email via my CONTACT page).
Hi, I’m 24 and I haven’t had a relationship. With haven’t I mean never, and that’s what troubles me. If after 24 years someone hasn’t be able to find someone he loves and vice versa, what is he as a person? Am I a loser or too ugly or just not meant to be in love. All the people I know had several relationships or are still in one. I on the other hand have never had someone that loved me. That’s not the only problem, because I have 0 % experience in relations, that means I can’t join in on conversations. At work or with friends, when they start talking about girls, relations or sex I stay out of it. Why, what can I say in the first place, I have nothing to talk about in that subject. And that freaks me out every time. The only phrase I keep repeating to myself is “One time someone will just walk right in front of you and BAM” But if that doesn’t happen in the following years, i don’t think I can continue any longer. Why should I ? Here in Belgium it’s impossible to live alone, you have to have a partner. A lot of Americans would say, go rent something with a friend, but sadly here in Belgium, that’s not so easy. Why, cause they think your gay when you want to hire something with a friend, in America it’s common use that friends rent a place together to eventually go on with their lives. It’s impossible in this world to live as a single, that’s why, if nothing changes in the next couple of years, i’ll just quit life. Cause God just didn’t want me to love.
I understand that is a very frustrating situation for you. You are young and there is plenty of time – but of course you would like to know why it hasn’t happened yet. But there is always a reason why and there is always a way out (other than quitting your life!) You don’t say what you do to get a girlfriend, but sitting and hoping someone will just appear with a BAM in front of you is probably not enough – you should take action. I am happy to discuss this if you want, just let me know if you are interested in a free consultation (via email or CONTACT page). Thank you for reaching out and please do not lose hope.
24 years old and never had a relationship of any substance (no I don’t hook up with girls all the time), I know that I still have the rest of my life (supposedly) to find someone but it seems ever more futile. I agree with some of the above comments that there is not someone for everyone and even if there is with 3.5 billion potential matches the likelihood of meeting said person is tiny. Based on that and anecdotal evidence from my own life I have to argue that some of us were meant to be alone. If in the 10 years that I couldve been dating I have not found a girlfriend even for a couple of months I don’t see why I should be optimistic for the next 10, 20 or 30 years. Statistically speaking the 10 years of data I have personally lived should serve as an indicator for how the rest of my life will go and it should be a rose colored view at that as most people find it easier to meet someone while they are in school and inundated with like minded and similar aged people. Point being some of us will never find someone special because either they do not exist, we just never meet them, or we are just not attractive (physically or emotionally).
I am sorry you feel this way, but your beliefs are the ones that are in the way. If you don’t change them, they will become your reality – so if you believe it’s very hard to find someone you will find it very hard to find someone. It just won’t happen. And if you feel you are not attractive, others will think that way too about you. Scary? Yes, it is, but it is something you can change whenever you want. Please have a think about it. And do get in touch if you want to discuss more.
Perusing the comments section here it looks like the primary costumers of your advice are women. Do you have any advice for men who find themselves chronically outside of a relationship?
Background – I’m a 25 year old man and have been single for 7 years. Feel free to email me if you’d like to know more.
Hello Pat, you are not alone – there are many men who seek advice as they find themselves lost and confused by the challenges of modern dating. I would love to help but I would have to hear more from you – as every person’s situation is specific, and not everyone, male or female, has the same issues. If you’d like a coaching consultation to discuss this further please let me know.
thanks for your beautiful insights.
Like many of the other people that have written their story above, I am an attractive, smart and kind 32 year old woman. I also have my own business!!! I was/am in a live in relationship with my boyfriend for the past 4 years. I realized he is suffering from passive aggressive disorder so now i am planning on moving away to find my own happiness after 4 years in this relationship. I know all the stuff you say above are true but i have lost so much of my confidence and i see many woman much prettier, more successful around me getting married so i feel i really dont stand a chance. Especially that my bf told me on many occassions Im not good enough. I havent travelled enough and etc…. He is 41 years old never been marrried either. Now I have planned on taking my stuff and moving into a tiny place of my own, focusing on my biz, sports and art which i love alot. I have very few friends all of which are all happily engaged or married and now i will be back in the singles world. I am very scared. Do you have words of wisdom for me? I would love to hear from you. thank you in advance for being there for people like me. xoxo
Dear Lily, your confidence is low and it is the main reason you don’t trust you’ll find someone again. You are not less deserving than your friends, prettier or more successful people (that has nothing to do with happiness in love and life) or your ex boyfriend. The way he treated you is not nice – the question is why did you allow him to, and why did you believe him that you’re not enough. The key for you is to value your strengths and qualities as a person, love yourself as you are – and then you will meet guys who will feel the same way towards you. If you’d like some concrete help we can have a Skype consultation and explore this in more detail, to see if you’d benefit from coaching. Please contact me via email or my contact page if you’d like that.
Hi, I’m a 21 year old male, and I’ve never dated anyone or had any girlfriends. I feel like I’ve been able to stop worrying about it too much, but sometimes I can’t help feeling really bummed out. I guess what really hurts is that I have made efforts for years to improve myself, but I always feel like I’m getting nowhere with this. I’ve always believed with hard work, anything is possible, but I don’t know how to feel now. Maybe someone has been interested in me, but I didn’t notice. I really don’t want to give up, but at the same time I’m also scared. It can be discouraging seeing people being able to get into relationships so easily, but I always try my best to realize that not everything is peaches and cream for them. Still I could be better at not feeling so bad.
Hi Prasanna, you are very young and I am sure there are lots of potential dates for you out there. It’s great you are working on improving yourself, but I don’t see why that would stop you from having a girlfriend. We all learn about ourselves, mature and grow on our own and in relationships. There are different challenges in every situation so maybe you’d benefit from a relationship now, even if you don’t feel 100% ready and grown up. I think you should get a bit less serious about the whole topic and ask a girl out – and just go with the flow. You need to enjoy your youth, not worry about it. Plus – practice makes a master, if you ask girls out, and go on dates, and have one relationship or dating experience – it will become easier to do it next time. You fear it because you haven’t tried and you don’t know what it’s like. But that’s exactly why you have to try it. Good luck!
Well, when it comes to improving myself, I partially hoped it would help attract girls. There’s one thing that might worry me though. I don’t have a car or a license yet, so dating may be a bit challenging. There are a lot of rude people on the internet whom say stuff like how “no girl would want a guy without a car or a license”. While I don’t believe them, there’s apart of me that’s afraid they might be right.
I don’t think not having a car is your issue – but if you feel you are not valuable enough as a person and a partner without it, that is an issue that can prevent you from finding a girlfriend. When we think we’re not good enough, it always reflects on our success in love: we either meet partners who treat us without respect, or we don’t meet anyone at all for long periods. Think about your self image and if you think your self-esteem and confidence is low, that is something you should consider working on.
Hi, sorry for leaving so many comments! It’s true that it might be a confidence issue. I feel I have improved so much socially, but I still haven’t asked anyone out. I’m think I should just bite the bullet and ask someone out. Problem is I feel I’ll come off as creepy if I approach a stranger, and that would just be counter productive. I thought I had an idea of how to go about this, but the truth is I’m stumped.
Well you have to try to break the ice! First time will be hard but you’ll see it’s not such a big deal. What’s the worst that can happen? Maybe the girl will say no. And that’s about it. Also, what about other situations, when you meet girls socially? Like through friends, work, school… maybe that’s the way to start, when you can just talk to someone without the pressure of rejection.
hi here,my name is jeremy. i stumbled upon this blog entry while trolling through the internet for similar advice.and i found this to really help me out a lot.here is a little story from me….as you already know,my name is jeremy,i am born to a fillipino-portuguese father and a chinese mother.as of this post i am 16.since young,i have been diagnosed with mild ADHD,and eyes that were strangely far apart.people in school form the 3 countries i have lived in before(phillipines,malaysia and singapore) always made fun of me for being ugly and called my various nasty names.fast foward into me teen years of 15 and 16,i started to attend social events invited by some friends.these friends werent local,but actually expats (in singapore now).i attended because i didnt want to be rude or a spoilsport.when i wen there i literally knew no one except 2 or 3.as i am deprived of social interactions by authoratative and regimental parents,i would alway sbe the odd one out at such events.spending most of my time alone and speaking to little people.people saw that and mistook me for being anti social and a loner. fast foward a few months,i have managed to reach some people i met at those events on facebook.we chatted about everything under the sun and i made a very small handful of friends,better than none.as time passed, i got to know that most ,if not all of them have girl friends.sometimes they bchose to rather go out with their partners than me.as i had little friends,and looking at all of them have someone to share and confide in ,or have good times and companionship,i grew more and more lonely as i watch on.eventually i could not longer take all the lonliness i had bottled up since my childhood days and did things i shouldnt have done,drink and self harm.i tried looking to get into a dead serious relationship with a female companion,but all i got was rejection time and again.they either say i am ugly,poor or stupid and boring.i dont think i am boring because i love fishing,basketball,cycling and drawing.i am an average student,not stupid,but not a genius either.i am beginning to doubt myself more and more each day,trying to find out what is wrong with myself everytime i got rejected.till this day i never found the answer why i have tried so hard but havent accomplished anything,while the alpha males got girl after girl after girl right before my eyes.i tried following what they did,but people just say i am pretending to be fake.the world is such a cruel place,and i will never understand it.as i post this,i am still contemplating will any girl ever want to be with me?am i too poor,too stupid ,too ugly,or boring for these girls.i have tried all i could have ever done and took advices from so many options but they all didnt work out for me.i am really exhausted and tired of trying so hard and never seeing results.sometimes i feel like giving up and i cry in bed at night,or sometimes i have suicidal thoughts creeping into my mind,saying i will probably die single and lonely,why not die now? i am very very very lonely right now,even my parents and siblings are working from 9-9 and they barely talk to me any more.dont know what they think,am i going to die single and lonely?please help me find answers to my doubts and guide me along. i am really lost and i would really appreciate it if you can help me out and give good advice.if you have read to the end of this really long comment,i sincerely thank you for taking the time and having the patience to do so.
thanks a lot and have a nice day ahead.
jeremy,21st june 2014
Dear Jeremy, I am sorry you found yourself in such a dark place. You are indeed very young and when we are that young we are usually very confused, which makes us insecure and unhappy. It’s something many people experience but usually as they grow older they find some way to feel good with the world around them and connect with others. I think your key issue is not the fact you don’t have a girlfriend but this painful feeling of isolation. Please think about where you could find some nurturing and supportive human connection – can you reach out to your family, can you find some new friends? If none of this sounds like it could help, I would suggest to get some help from a counselor or therapist. I can offer you a free consultation where we can dig deeper into this, but since I mostly work with adults I think it might be a good idea for you to first look for someone who specialises in young people like you. Once you feel better about yourself – you will gain some confidence and feeling of self-worth, and relationships with girls will come more easily too. Let me know if you’d like a consultation, if not – please do reach out to someone who can help you. The way you feel about yourself and the world around you now is a projection of your thoughts and feelings, and with the right help it can be changed.
Sorry for the very late reply,i was busy with school work and a part time job all of which start at 7am and ends at 10.30pm.the thing is how do i get to have a conversation privately as i am from a poor background ever since my dad was retrenched in 2008 F.C .so i am still using a laptop from 2006 which has no webcam so that means i cannot skype.
Hi Jeremy, we can do a Skype call without video too. Let me know if you’re up for that. Otherwise – you can send me an email and I can give you written feedback, but talking is much better and more efficient, and more helpful too.
About a year ago I gave up. This is the first time I’ve actually spoken about this, mostly I guess because there is nobody to tell. I have a thirteen year old son, he lives with his mother but I see him as much as possible, he is my main driving force. The one amazing thing was how much of my life I devoted to finding a partner and how much of my motivation was linked to finding a companion. I used to work out, try to always look my best even if I was just going shopping, get advice on clothing etc etc. So now after a good 10 years divorced and not being even remotely close to another woman in all that time, I get my shopping delivered, and at 47 I don’t want to lift weights! If anyone guesses my age they put me at about 35-40, I’m slim and 5’10 I don’t think I’m scare the children hideous, in fact I get on with people and easily start conversations and have a joke with folk. So I’m confident with women in that I can talk to them etc. I’m not that guy that would do anything for a pretty girl, in fact I’d find it amusing not to, maybe that’s where I went wrong! With all this I have developed a deep belief- women are not interested in me, I guess they can tell?
So it’s good to actually write this down and post it!
Dear Richard, I don’t know if you’re looking for some feedback – but if you’d like me to help you find out why you haven’t been able to find a partner this long, let me know. Take care!
Dear Petra I agree with some of your ideas, but I think it is important to also be honest with ones self to the fact that no matter how hard you look for love you may indeed be single for your whole life. If you are still single after forty this is in all probability will be true.
Hi Will, sure it’s possible, but it doesn’t help people feel better. It’s a very poor consolation if you say to yourself – well, I am above certain age, so it’s normal to stay single for the rest of my life. Nobody really wants that kind of consolation. I believe finding love is in our hands, not just a result of life circumstances. It’s our fears and beliefs, and reluctance to change or try something new that keeps us that way, not our age, that keep us single forever.
Hi Petra, read the article and thought it was great. No mushy nonsense but still a note of hope! I came across your blog because I was trying to find solutions to my problem; namely a friend I keep crushing on.
Our families have known each other since we were about 2 yrs old (now 21) – when I say we’re friends, I don’t mean best friends, more casual friendship because our families get on so well. I take part in sport events with her brother, and we share the same group of friends, hence the continued contact. Although I’ve got close to relationships with some others in the last 3/4 years, I keep crushing on my ‘friend’. It only lasts a few days/weeks at a time and varies from maybe a few months apart to even a year on occasion, but it always returns. It’s a problem because I don’t know whether it’s because I worry I’ll always bee alone and she’s the most obvious ‘target’ to solving that, or whether what I feel is genuine affection. To make matters more complicated, I’m sure she has no idea and does not reciprocate! She too has never had a real relationship, but at these times even the thought of her having one makes me feel down.
All very weird, hopefully you can offer some help or advice?
Dear Tone, I’d suggest you take a leap and ask her out on a date… and see what happens 🙂 This way you might never find out if she’s interested in you or not, and whether your crush is real. If she’s not interested, you’ll probably still be able to keep her friendship, but be aware it’s possible things will get awkward, at least for a while. Nevertheless, if you don’t try, you’ll never know! Good luck!
I am aged 43, single parent of two boys and I just cannot find a genuine, emotionally sorted guy. I have tried internet dating which was a confidence boost at first bit then quickly dragged me down when I realised the lack of ‘sorted’ people out there. I was engaged 18 months ago and very happy for a year until the guy decided to show his true colours. This has knocked me back immensely as he became part of my family, he was the first guy I had introduced to my children after 5 years..I feel like a fool but also feel like maybe I should have tried harder with him, maybe that was my last chance to ever be married.
I am tired of guys asking me why am I single..a gorgeous, intelligent girl why aren’t you married… This has been said so many times now that I keep asking myself why.
I feel like a failure, I am tired of not having anyone to lean on, I torture myself thinking how much easier, financially an emotionally it would be if I had a partner, I haved worked solidly all my life to support my family and have put them first all the way through… I just miss having someone to look after me.. I have often thought about maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t here as I am just existing, not living…and at least then my children would be comfortable. It’s tough out there
I am so sorry you feel so discouraged. I know it’s tough, but it does feel like you are too hard on yourself. The biggest part of any problem is our attitude towards it, and I am sure with the right help you’ll not only feel better about where you are now, but also find a way to a great guy. If you’d like a free consultation and discuss it in a bit more detail, let me know by email or via my CONTACT ME page.
Honestly I am unsure what is holding me back from being in a relationship again. I was always in one in high school, where I pretty much had NOTHING to offer the other person in terms of stability or financially.
Though my most recent relationship was at the end of my high school years, it was a 4 year relationship that lasted until I was 21 (24 now) and it ended really bad, she cheated on me with her best friends husband, and it took me a few years to get over it.
Recently I have wanted to get back into the dating scene, maybe find someone who actually wishes to settle down, though whenever I find someone who could potentially be a perfect match for someone like me, it never follows through. I always feel like I have to initiate everything, conversations and all, and eventually the other person just goes quiet, and wont communicate for a long time if ever again. So I give up on that person, and move on.
At this point it almost feels pointless, like i’ll just be alone anyway, though I don’t want to be. I actually want a family, some kids even. I don’t know if its just my age group, or if im seriously doing something wrong.
Hi and thanks for commenting. To be honest from your note I am not sure what might be the problem. It could be the pain from your breakup is holding you back and making you too guarded to connect with someone new. Sometimes we put the barriers up and we’re not even aware of it. But your wish to find a partner is genuine, so I would recommend you talk to someone about what might be the issue. I can offer you a free consultation on Skype and we can see if coaching would be the right approach for you. Let me know if you’d like that and please contact me via email or my CONTACT ME page.
Hello Petra. I really enjoyed reading your post. I have a whole lot of issues to work on beforeI can be anyone’s boyfriend. I’m 29 years old, will be 30 May 2015, and I feel like I’ved wasted my 20’s away. I don’t have a college degree or a career that I truly enjoy. I wish I had the motivation to truly live. I’m trying to “start over” at 29, but I wish that even in the process I could still be loved and supported by a caring women my age.
dont let it define you, pursue what u enjoy. i havent read it yet though sounds good, check out Petra’s post: ‘why nice guys rock’. 😉
Hi Danny, I think you have a serious case of low self esteem – and that is surely not helping you in the romantic arena. You’re not too old for anything – your career and your love life can both get in great shape. I know it’s hard to think that way now – but to get to a better place you’ll need to stop looking into the past and regretting the things you haven’t done. We do look at our 20s as time of building a career and family, but that doesn’t always happen, and even if it does – many people find themselves unhappy with the choices they made so early in life. So it might even benefit you to be a bit of a “late bloomer” 🙂 Take care and let me know if you’d be up for a consultation, to discuss this in a bit more depth. Trust me, it’s all salvageable!
Hiya Petra…wow i have actually read 3 of your articles and reeeeeally enjoyed them. It’s a little strange…
I just wrote a post a titch similar to your 1st on being lonely; http://www.jayjhonson.com/dealing-with-loneliness-2/#sthash.GS3puDSN.dpbs
and your words really add up. it was a joy reading your content.*subscribes to RSS feed*
Thanks for the nice feedback Jay! Will check your article 🙂
I have never, ever had a girlfriend. I am 26 years old, I was always popular with everybody at school, I still have loads of friends, both male and female. My issue is that I am hideously ugly. Got any cures for that?
Hey John. Who says you’re ugly? Send me a pic so I can judge.
Lol, I don’t even know how…you don’t need to see me anyway. Believe me, I’m so bad looking that I’m almost deformed.
OK I believe you 🙂 But that still doesn’t mean love can’t be in the cards for you. If you’d like to give me a chance to convince you more, get in touch and we’ll have a consultation. Email or just do it via the form on my CONTACT page.
Suddenly single, after constant dating since I was 15. Now I’m 27, female, scared. Last relationship ended after 4 years, I just got so comfortable having someone to lean on, being alone into older years seems terrifying. It is possible I’ll find someone, but there is no guarantee you’ll find someone who will stay for life. I’m mostly scared because I wanted children…which I don’t know if I can do by myself, I’m not financially secure enough on one salary. I’m also scared about getting weaker in body, having no one to share experiences with, and inevitably it doesn’t matter to anyone if you’re alive or dead…
Hey you. You are very young!!!! Older years you’re talking about are at least 20 years ahead. Sounds to me you’re just scared to be on your own because you’ve never tried it. You should – to explore who you are, what you want, what you like – how you like to live your life without always thinking about what “we” want. It’s good to do that if you never have. And I am sure you have some great people in your life to share experiences with already – your family, friends, colleagues – there are so many ways to enjoy life as a single person, soon you’ll see being single has a lot of benefits too. If you turn to yourself and build some confidence that’s your own and doesn’t come from being in a couple, then will you be able to find a great partner and truly enjoy sharing your life with him. And you have a good 10 years ahead to have children, probable even more, but 10 definitely. If you feel you need some help to get through this – do contact me via email for a consultation. Take care! Wish you all my best.
This is kinda depressing. I went trough some of the comments and it really depressed me out. I am single for like 8 months now. I had a relationship for like 7 years. I’m pretty sad about the fact it’s over. if I even could turn back time. But i can’t. People tell me there are worst things in love other then being single. And I think they are right about this. I mean look at me. I can do everything. There aren’t really limits in my life. But it still depresses me that no one seems to like me. People are telling me that I am a sweet guy and all and that I will find the right one again. Although I do know in the back of my head they are right about this I keep thinking about how hard it is to be alone and I will never find someone again who will love me like that. Well I gues I found the love of my life again.. This one seems to be really complicated… I live on the other side of the world.. We talk to each other trough skype. We found each other in second life. And I am really happy that I found her. She keep saying these sweet words to me. Which gives me hope again in live but also love. Hope to wanna live. Though if you are being single and lonely I think second life is a good way to get your head out your thoughts being single. Because you are able to talk to people in second life. It can help you going trough messy times, like I had.
But still you gotta think about that you also have a real life…
But ya. Anyway.. I really hope I will find the love of my life again. Maybe right now I am not really stable so that can be one of the reasons why I am still alone. You see. I do realize that people don’t want unstable people. Although if the other person is strong enough to handle it. I think it’s gonna be all right anyway. It takes two to fight the game..
Hi there. It seems to me you’re still pretty much on rebound – it does take time to recover from a long relationship. Just take that time, you need it. Don’t feel guilty for not being ready for a new (real life) relationship yet. Take care. You’ll get there 🙂
Hey Petra. So 4 years ago i started dating a girl and she was a few yrs older , i was 26 she was 28 at the time. We had a lot of ups and downs and she was just one of those I do what I want girls. Well long story short, i think she didn’t want to deal with family events and things because that what my family was about, she sent me the nastiest text ever to get me to break up with her. i had no choice so i went home to her house where i was living with her (another mistake) and left. We invested so much time though, we tried a friendship. It lasted a week because she started dating a friend she claimed was out of her life because when we were together, he tried to tell her he wanted her to dump me for him. Well in the end they started dating… i found out through a facebook post and she didn’t have the gall to even tell me the truth (she admitted to me she had no interested in him when i suspected she liked him after i noticed them talking more).
Anyway shes out of my life. This was last May 2013. It is now July 2014 and its been a rough year. I seem to meet nothing but girls who just either are still broken from their last relationship, they are not ready to date or they just lose all interest in me and idk what i am doing wrong. I am a sweet guy, very charismatic, kind, hard worker, educated, full time job, very funny, but idk there is something they seem that they can’t make that step with me.
Three small examples
1.) met a girl off dating site july last yr and we went on two dates. The first date was incredible. We connected so well and the conversation flowed. Second date a week later was dinner and movie. Following week i texted her after i did a mini fun run race and she texted me she felt i was a wonderful man but we weren’t a match. i asked for feedback ya know for the next girl and she said she found someone more compatible.
2.) I met another girl named Jessica and jessica was not interested and she said u should talk to my friend melissa she is a real sweetheart and ud hit it off im sure. We met and had a good convo and after ten minutes we scheduled a pool date. We went to play following wednesday and had fun. We would text almost everyday and it was fun. Then she invited me one sunday to meet her and jessica out at a bar. i did and jessica and her date left us to go home after a couple hours. Me and melissa sat outside and talked non stop for like an hour. I asked her the following week to dinner. we went and had fun than we went to a bar for few drinks. After i walked her to her car and kissed her. The following day i wanted to see if she had any weekend plans she texts me she works all weekend. i said what about next week. She said she worked too all week and this is why shes no good at dating and she just doesnt have the time an energy to date. Found out from a friend of hers she was married young at 21 and divorced 5 months prior but i still dont see the reason to push away a good guy even as a friend.
3.) Friend Tyler messages me on fbook one day three weeks ago asking me a question. If im single. i say yes. Says i should meet her friend M who is single and just has always dated bad guys. So i talk to M and we hit it off good. We schedule a hangout and its like awesome. We talk for four straight hours. We text everyday since than. Last Sat we went to dinner and drinks and it was great as well. Than i asked her via our usual text when shes free so we can hang and she tells me she wanted to let me know before we get too deep. Shes still messed up from her ex and at this point in her life shes not looking for any intimate relationships, even though she loves being with me. Were still texting and friends but i feel like a piece of crap.
So idk what i’m doing wrong. I feel that if im this great of a guy, despite how hurt you been, a good guy would make u want to take a chance.
Hi Tony! Well, you might still be heartbroken from your ex – so that attracts girls who are feeling similar and not ready for a proper relationship yet. That’s just a guess – can’t be sure, because you wrote a lot about what happened – but not so much how you feel about your ex and dating in general right now. Maybe you have a fear of getting hurt again, or it’s simply a case that you need to give it some more time to heal. Also, if you are dating a lot – and seems you are, chances are – most of the girls won’t be compatible with you, or in the right mindset – that’s just a numbers game if you give a lot of different girls a try. If you’d like some more precise answers, we should have a proper call and discuss things in more detail. Contact me via email and we’ll schedule a consultation.
Hi, like many of the posters above I couldn’t know whether to be heartened or disheartened by the first piece of advice. I have not been single in the past 5 years and equally importantly, I moved transatlantic twice, finished a PhD, got a postdoc, got publications, and got a tenure track job, met tons of new people, saw lots of new cities, so yes lots have changed.
However, I have been single for most of my life. I am already 33, female. Some would say I’m attractive in the girl next door sort of way, always slim and fit and really almost the spitting image of TV actress Joanna Garcia-so much so that I was spooked once to see her on TV.
My first relationship occurred at the age of 24, and only lasted 3-4 months. He’d been my best male friend; he left his 7 year long relationship for me, 2 months before their wedding. He then had an identity crisis, left graduate school, which is where we’d met, and everything else in his life, including me. Amidst that heartbreak, within the next year, I became embroiled in an online relationship with someone a state away. I was inexperienced in love; that was my first stab at the online world (we had not even met through a traditional online dating site); and I was very young still, barely 25. All this to say I had no clue that online ‘sparks’ or connections do not mean anything in real life. I spent 2 years to convince him to meet me and flew to his state, with another friend. To this day, I remark how I actually found myself attracted to him when we met; if he’d been one of my current coffee dates, he’d have been labeled as the no spark kind right off. And now for the big shocker: I spent the next 4 years allegedly infatuated or in love with this guy. He was verbally and emotionally abusive; years later I found out he’d been bipolar or borderline. 6 years spent in total during which time he only came to visit me 4 times.. The total time spent with him would not exceed two weekends if stacked against each other in those 6 years.
It took moving transatlantic to the UK to broaden my horizons. I briefly dated a very very nice guy; younger brother of my bff’s then fiance. It was a holiday romance and fizzled out but we remained friends. That was the confidence boost I needed to go on match in the UK. I’d tried okc on and off in the past year with 6 sparkless dates. I tried one month for free on match, and the one date I got out of it, or agreed to go out with, turned out to be the fairy tale coffee date to an entire day together rainbows and wow sparks. I was almost 31 at this time. We were together for nearly 2 years before the academic job market compelled me to return to the US. He was bound to the UK.
So that brings me to now. I have been trying online dates on and off, go to the gym, and am on campus teaching. however, the real life yields little in terms of meeting singles. I do get asked out sometimes, out of the blue-by a guy I run into in the elevator or the guy who does crunches next to me at the gym, but never from someone I’d consider attractive. Please don’t think I’m picky-I actually prefer guys who aren’t everyone’s type-short and nerdy types but that spark is missing. Again, online same thing-my box will be flooded upon joining something like match, but the coffee dates are all sparkless.
Luckily I don’t want kids so the clock is not ticking and I don’t mind about marriage. I’d actually prefer to have my independence and live on my own. Please also don’t think this makes me unavailable. however, I do want companionship and romance.
I’m also not antisocial-I’m introverted, and the academic lifestyle caters to that, but I’m very talkative among friends and even in small groups of total strangers. but it does look like love and the sparks can prove ever elusive. and I do wonder what is wrong with me. Maybe, I am not actually physically attractive or maybe I am too picky. and I now worry that I”m approaching ‘middle age’ the labeling of which makes me less desirable.
Any tips would be most welcome.
Hi Lamia, one thing that strikes me from your letter is – you describe your 6-year, long distance, troubled relationship in so much detail, then your seemingly happy UK relationship is done and dusted in one sentence. Are you still in love with your UK guy? It seems like the breakup was pretty fresh, and you didn’t break up because you didn’t get along – so you might just need some time to move on emotionally and be ready for a new relationship. Other than that, I don’t see a pattern – so I would have to talk to you to dig a bit deeper and see if there are other obstacles that prevent you from finding a good match. If you’d like that please contact me for a consultation – via email or my CONTACT ME page. Also, you mentioned you might be too picky – I wrote on that topic too, so maybe you’ll find some answers in these articles: Am I too picky? and I am too picky, but I can’t change my demands.
I’m a 22 year old college female university student. As well as your piece is written I’ve been single for the last 7 years. I had an on-and-off ‘relationship’ for a year when I was 15 years old, but that has been about it. When I look around me I see my fellow students in relationships everywhere.
I used to tell myself: you’re so young, you’ll find someone. But now that I haven’t been in a relationship for 7 years (instead of the 2/3 years you say) it does keep me busy.
Hi Yalita, it might be worth looking at why you haven’t been able to find a partner. You are still very young – but I do see how this frustrates you and you want some concrete answers. Let me know if you’d like a consultation (Skype call) and we’ll dig a bit deeper to give you a better idea why this is happening.
Hi, I’m so glad I found your blog. Even more to see so many people struggling with similar problems/aspects of life. I’ve never had a boyfriend although I’m 28 now, and I don’t feel like I ever will, which is a shame really. I have tones of friends and I am always told how good I am with people, yet it doesn’t get me anywhere close to relationships. I do sometimes meet people that I fancy but as soon as someone is nice to me, I think there must be something wrong with them, because why would anyone like me, let alone love me? Sometimes the fear of being rejected is greater than need to be with someone, and let’s face it, most of the people we like are already taken. I guess not everyone is meant to be in a relationship, and that’s just the way it is.
Hi Jess, I does seem you have issues with your self worth, if you wonder how could anyone love you – that is a big self-esteem problem. Why wouldn’t someone love you, what’s so bad about you? If you say most people are taken, are they all in some way better than you? Plus, if you also fear rejection, that is another big reason why you can’t find a partner. You are not meant to be alone, nobody is. It’s just easier to protect yourself from hurt when you don’t let people close – but then you have to give up all the good stuff that comes with it too, and feel the pain of being isolated and lonely. It looks like a choice of bigger and smaller pain, but it’s not – there is a better way to protect your heart that will not stop you from giving it to someone. If you’d like to talk about this in more detail, do contact me for a consultation via email or CONTACT ME page. Thanks for reaching out.
It’s hard to stop worrying aboot it. I am in no way ready for another relationship (still getting over the last one, which I thought was going to be forever) but i am 33 so I worry. 33 isn’t old by any means but I have severe endometriosis and am worried if I wait too long, I may not be able to have children of my own.
That is a realistic concern. You’ll have to decide whether having a child or having the right relationship is a priority for you. It’s a tough one, I know – but ask yourself, what would be worse: having a child with a guy you don’t love, or being with a guy you love, without kids? Of course, none of these outcomes are certain – but if you know what’s your preference it will be easier to choose what you want to do about it.
I’m a 22 year old mixed race Dutch woman who has never been in a relationship before. I’ve kissed some guys when I wen out but that’s about it. I am a masters student in Anthropology at university. I wonder what is wrong with me that I have never had a boyfriend. I wish I could believe that I won’t be single for another three years, but how can I when I have been for 22 years now. I am starting to think that I have some kind of disorder like Autism or ADD or something because other girls of my age seem to naturally just roll into relationships…
Hi Luna, I am sorry but without a bit more information about you I can’t give you a good answer. If you’d like to get more insight into why this is happening, please contact me for a consultation. It’s free and it’s via Skype. Just send an email via my CONTACT ME page.
Lol the author is too attractive to EVER know what its like to not be wanted.
Hello, attractiveness has nothing to do with it. As will many attractive people confirm to you – being wanted doesn’t mean you will find happiness in love.
Hi Petra, i am 37 years old, never been married and dnt have kids. Alwayz thought i would have the family i dreamed of by now…but nothing. I always seem to meet these guys who are nice at first, seem to want everything i do, but then silence…a couple of weeks or months later they are with someone else and totally in love. I have askedd myself a thousand times, what am i doing wrong? I just dont knw anymore. Pls i would love to know.
Hi Natasha, I am sorry but without a proper conversation I can’t tell you anything concrete. If you’d like to dig deeper and get some answers, please contact me on email for a consultation (via CONTACT ME page).
Thank you for your advice. I try so hard to stay positive, but I lose steam. I am 38, divorced and don’t have children. My ex husband has moved on and has two children. I haven’t been able to click with guys I’ve dated. Either they don’t call back or I’m not interested enough. I’m always afraid: afraid ill be single, afraid I won’t have kids, and afraid I will be bitter. Everyone around me is married and has a family. I feel badly for myself. I kept a vision board for a while, but tore it and threw it out of frustration. I have no interest in going out and many days stay home alone. I am losing confidence and have low self esteem. I don’t know what else to do.
Dear Angela, I think it would be best to have a consultation and talk about your situation properly. It’s a 30 min Skype call and it is free. Would you like that? Let me know via email and we’ll schedule.
Hi Petra, This article might be a year old but I am just now finding it. I am 33 and never had a real boyfriend. I’m afraid it’s getting to late to find love and that I will be forever alone, I live with my parents and only time I get out is for work and I don’t drive. What hope is there for me?
Hi Aimee, I know this is frustrating – but trust me there is always help. It might be your beliefs or your lack of confidence, or something else – but I can’t tell you more unless we talk about it in more detail. If you’d like to dig deeper and see what might be the problem, please contact me for a consultation. It’s free. Just drop me an email or send a note via CONTACT ME page.
This is wonderful! I fully agree! God is good, without a doubt i will meet my life partner shortly! I’m expectant! Im not sure if there is more i should do to meet this man…….
Hi Deborah, thank you for your nice words. If you’d like to talk about the options – and why it’s not happening to you – do contact me for a consultation. It’s free. Just drop me a note on email or via CONTACT ME page. Take care!
Good advice to marinate on. I just turned 30 a few weeks ago and this time last year I remembered being with someone whom I loved unconditionally. The relationship started off strong. We were in a good place. I made a lot of compromises for the relationship yet little to none was ever made for me. He broke up with me the day after thanksgiving after almost a year of dating. He left me with no explanation….probably one of the most heart wrenching things to endure the holidays….then came back a few months later to explain but by then the damage was done. Well recently I’ve learned that he is in a new relationship and talks about how much he appreciates this other woman and that some things are worth compromising and committing for. For me to see him express that about someone else despite my compromises and effort and to know he have never spoken about me in that manner…it was like a punch in the stomach. I questioned myself if it was something I did. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t effected with the comments but it made me feel like I just wasn’t good enough. Well now he’s moved on….and I’m alone after his hurtful act. Since then I’ve been on two dates…one which the guy just stood me up. It has been almost a year since I’ve been single and it hasn’t been easy. It doesn’t get easier. I’d like to believe I am a smart, attractive, wholesome woman with good morals yet I am alone and fear that I will always be alone because love seems to evade me all the time. I have been burned in all my relationships. I would also like to believe that God is preparing me with all the experiences and heartache for someone who could and would appreciate me. Some days I have faith in love….some days I don’t. There are some days when it hits me that I am really lonely and it’s a breathtaking emotion that pierces my soul. Throughout the day I wear this mask of confidence and strength and grace due to the nature of my job but on my drive home….my first step through the door and when I lay my head on the pillow…it hits me hard…keeps me awake at night some times. I have a lot…I am fortunate to own a home and cars and have a career and an education…but those things mean nothing if there is no one to share it with. I go through a lot alone. I deal with a lot alone….I face pressures and adversity alone. Would be nice to have a companion that understands me and wants to be there. To ease my mind at night I just tell God how I’m feeling and ask for comfort through the night so I can rest. I deserve to love someone and have someone who love and cherish and be as committed to the relationship and make sacrifices for the relationship.
Hi Alesia, thank you for your honesty and sharing your story here. I would say you don’t value yourself very much, and the experience with your ex is a direct result of that. Your compromised, he didn’t – and then he found someone else he wants to compromise for. She is not better than you, but he treats her differently – because she doesn’t let him treat her like a doormat. You need to change your mindset and things will change for you too. When you feel worthy of love just as you are, you will meet guys who will love you just as you are and appreciate your qualities and kindness. Please read my “5 Key Reasons You Can’t Find Love” guide, it will help you understand what you’re doing wrong. I can also offer a consultation if you’d like to discuss it in more detail – please let me know via email or CONTACT ME page.
So grateful for your comment but I think I’ve beaten Estelle. How about 26 years. I did everything you suggested; exercise classes/creative writing classes/drama classes you name it, I did it and I’m still looking for that special person. I looked into myself and thought is it me? but have been told that I’m a great person whom people gravitate towards. So what am I doing wrong? Help!
Hi Marie, I don’t know what could be the problem but there must be a reason for you not being able to find a partner for so long, and it is not external. I would need more information to give you a concrete assessment. If you haven’t yet, please read my “5 Key Reasons Why You Can’t Find Love” – you can download it here, that will give you some clarity. You can also send me an email with more information, but the most efficient way would be to have a consultation. It’s a 30 min Skype call and it’s free. Let me know if you’d like that via email or CONTACT ME page.
Am 48 yrs single mum of one and no man seems to notice me and I want to be loved and I love back. Don’t want to grow old alone
Hi Pat, I don’t want you to grow old alone either! But that is all in your hands – you can change it. You feel invisible now because you don’t see yourself as an attractive and desirable woman. If you’d like to discuss your situation and see what the reasons might be, please contact me over email or via CONTACT ME page and we’ll schedule a consultation. Thank you for sharing and wish you all my best.
Im afraid cause i haven’t met the guy yet every man i ever been with have used me lied to ne treated me bad,
Dear Val, I think it would be good to look into reasons why guys treat you badly… it’s not a coincidence or bad luck, we attract people into our lives and we form bonds based on how we feel and think about ourselves and the world. If you’d like to explore it further we can have a consultation – please send an email to give me a bit more background first. Thanks for commenting and reading.
You know, I don’t think that it’s so black and white. With all due respect, articles like this don’t really speak to a particular group of people who are enjoy their own company to a healthy degree, seek achievement and honestly appreciate life’s other self validating experiences, have sought out personal growth and acceptance… BUT STILL have not had any experiences with love. I am 26 years old going on 27 and I have never been in a relationship. I’ve done the “casual” thing (sometimes accepting the comfort of a sexual “relationship to help sooth some basic needs and yearnings), I’ve been open to dating, I’ve tried many forms of meeting people for romantic purposes… And still, all that has been offered to me is sex without feelings or the possibility of a relationship. Sure, like everyone, I have my downfalls… I couldn’t dream of being perfect. But my experiences are so far removed from the majority of folks that I know. While I know and appreciate that I’m not alone in my experience in what seems like eternal ‘single-dom’ (for lack of a better word), I do not personally know anyone who can relate to the experience of never being in a relationship, and/or never experienced sex with true intimacy. I guess my opposition to the approach of your blog or my question rather… Is what advice do you give to the person who has truly never been in a relationship? While small, there is a percentage of well-minded individuals that never find love. How would you encourage those folks to find acceptance with that? I believe in positivity and I don’t like to speak negative things into existence… But I am also a realist at heart (at times). Simple based on the statistics and analytics of the last 27 years (or let’s just say 13 years, seeing as most people experience a romantic relationship in their teen years), it is difficult for me to believe that the next 27 years will be much different. So then there lies a choice birthed from a situation that actually is not completely in my control… I am human. I have basic human needs that most (not all) people have. I have the desire for some degree of external validation, intimacy, and romantic love. I have a choice to be happy regardless, in a situation that most people in my world will never have to face. How do I find that strength to be ok in what at times feels like one of the greatest injustices of my life?… To need love, like everyone else that I personally know, but never having the chance to experience it.
Hi Nicole, thanks for commenting. It’s true this article doesn’t cover situations like yours. And you know what – when I first wrote it, I had no idea that there are so many people out there who’ve never had a single relationship in their life. That’s why I appreciate your contribution very much, you help me gain better insight into the multitude of situations people are going through. And it’s true, everyone’s life is different and sometimes you just can’t generalise and explain the complexity of life in a single blog. Regarding your situation – well, I think there is always a reason why someone stays single. I actually wrote a guide on the topic – you can download it here for free: 5 Key Reasons Why You Can’t Find Love, if you haven’t read it yet, I recommend you do it and see if you can find yourself in any of those. If not – there is always a free consultation, we can have one and see where the issue might be. I know you think you’re doing everything you can and your mind is positive – and that can all be very true, but sometimes we just have a blind spot and we don’t see ourselves realistically. So if you’d like to have a chat, please send me an email or a note via CONTACT ME page. Take care!
I’ve never had a boyfriend. I wouldn’t even know how to get one. I’m 28 and my culture states I ought to marry rather than date but as I refuse to marry for anything less than love I’m operating within a catch 22, and dating secretly doesn’t appeal and so somehow that just turns into friends with benefits. All the men everntually getting married while I fell for each one. I think I’ll go live in a cabin in the country. I like redecorating and reading and I can do that alone. Not surrounded by people openly wondering for me whether I’ll be alone forever. Maybe that way I’ll stop thinking about it.
Dear Amber, that is a catch 22. I think your choice is very straightforward though, although I know it’s hard to make it: give up your love-only criteria (and negate yourself) or give up the cultural determination you come from (and probably alienate your family and community). You are choosing between two evils here, and only you know which choice is better for you. Personally, I think long term we always have to follow our heart to be happy, and sometimes we have to burn bridges to find our own best life. If you’d like to discuss this with me and help me make you find the best way forward, feel free to contact me for a consultation. All my best!
Hi, I came across this blog and it captured my interest. I appreciate the positive thoughts in your blog Petra, but for some reason I just can’t meet the “right” guy. I also come from a culture where it’s not really permissible to date and I’m in my 30’s. I’m not purposely trying to sound negative, but I’ve been told by some people that “maybe I’ll meet someone if I just put a smile on my face”. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’m not sure how to put myself out there. Should I just maybe accept the fact that it may never happen for me? should I just not listen to the negative self talk or even the negative talk I’m receiving from other people? thanks.
Hi Nadia, I understand it’s much harder to find a long term partner when your culture doesn’t allow you to date, especially if you are not too keen on an arranged marriage. But what else is out there for you? There must be some way you can meet potential partners that is not frown upon by your community. I think you definitely should not listen to negative talk, but at the same time – to do something positive that will help you move away from the negativity, you need to consider ways to put yourself out there. Even if it feels scary or strange, if you want something – you need to make an effort to get it. You can always go back and resign to “it will never happen for me” idea, but it’s just a way we console ourselves that we’re not unlovable, and it doesn’t really solve anything – because you will never stop longing for love and connection. The pain will be numbed, but it will still be there. If you think you’d benefit from talking to me – get in touch over email or via CONTACT ME page and we can schedule a private consultation.
Dear Petra, I find it interesting you write ‘When I first wrote it, I had no idea that there are so many people out there who’ve never had a single relationship in their life.’ REALLY?
Having been single for the last 14 years due to a multitude of failed relationships I have to conclude that I am NOT meant to be in a relationship. You seem to make glib comments to people Iike myself going through painful memories and rejections every day of not being in a relationship, that if we change our thought processes or watch a video, the partner we have been waiting for will miraculously appear. REALLY?
Haven’t you ever taking the chance to think that perhaps not everyone is meant to be in a relationship? The sooner we accept this, the better. Not everyone has kids, or a house, or millions in the bank, the list is endless, but you keep on saying that ‘no-one is supposed to be alone for ever.’ Why not?? How patronising!
I feel so angry people like us are left hurt and damaged by the selfish act of others and yet we make ourselves even more unattainable by going off and learning about ourselves, by growing, seeking a higher self others struggle to relate to when those who hurt us don’t, they remain stuck don’t do anything for self improvement and move on.
It’s harder when you get older. I am 47, never been married, and know that I will not meet a man prepared to ‘take on’ my 12 year old mixed race daughter. The string of failed relationships have proven that. Men don’t want other people’s baggage.
It is even more hurtful when the comments of ‘you’ll find someone’ always come from those in the safety of a relationships! It’s no wonder why so many of us kill ourselves than live with the pain of being rejected and alone every day.
5 reasons why you can’t find love? Is one because you will not ever let another human being crucify you again? I guess not.
Hi Clarissa. I do believe that nobody is meant to be alone – unless they choose to be. And it is a choice, even though we often don’t see it that way. When you say to yourself – I am not meant to be in a relationship, that is just a way of consoling yourself – the thought there is a bigger plan/destiny/someone or something pulling the strings of your life can numb the pain of loneliness, but it can’t make it go away. It’s just easier to say – someone else decided this for me, than to accept that we are the ones creating our lives. Yes, we actually create our own misery. And all I am saying is – it’s a good thing, because it means we can undo our misery too. My life hasn’t been one of perfect relationships – I was rejected, hurt and heartbroken more times than many – but the beautiful relationship I am in now is a result of me learning about life and myself, growing, discovering and becoming aware of how life and relationships work. It’s something I’ve been doing for almost 20 years, and will continue for sure for the rest of my life. I am now in a place where I feel I can inspire and help people do the same. I’ve been there where you are now, but I was so determined to find a way to make love work for me, so I dug until I found the answer. And it was me, not them. Not the people I dated. When you attract partners who don’t value you and treat you badly – they are not the problem, it’s the way you feel about yourself that draws them into your life. You value yourself way to low if everything you experience is hurt and rejection. And of course – I honestly do not underestimate the struggle, nothing can be resolved by watching one video or reading one blog, but I do hope that my words and my service is helping people to find a direction and accelerate their journey to love and happiness. Wish you all my best, take care.
Dear Petra I although I think what you are doing is admirable, I think your theory of “its your choice” is just plain wrong with all due respect.
Hey Will, it is a harsh way of saying it – I know, but essentially all we do is a choice. Sometimes it’s a sub-conscious choice motivated by our current psychological setup, our traumas from childhood, all the things that have hurt us and shaped us through life – but we always make choices about everything we do. I do understand it’s hard to grasp this when you feel that your life doesn’t look like anything you’d consciously choose for yourself – but that is why there are people, books, faith, spirituality, self-development and many other things that can help us heal our wounds and learn how to make better choices for ourselves. Nobody wants to be unhappy and lonely, the trouble is nobody teaches us how not to be – in a world of mostly unhappy people, it’s hard to think you have the power to change your life as you see fit. But you truly can, and you can truly choose to do so. It usually doesn’t happen overnight, but if you make it your priority to change your life for the better, you are most certainly going to get there. And to love. You know, the easiest and fastest way to a great partner is to love yourself, you don’t need anything else – dating advice, singles parties, matchmakers, blind dates. If we all looked into ourselves to find love, we’d find love with others without any effort. Thanks for reading me and if you want to discuss any of this in person, do get in touch.
Hi Clarissa again. Unfortunately it is not as simple as how little you value yourself because if it was the whole world would be single. it is to do with the traumatic and terrible things that happened when you were younger that become the framework of what is a ‘normal’ bonding and with that you don’t ever meet the right partners due to this framework. I know this from a lot of reading/therapy. I am classed as anxious preoccupied due to my childhood and being abandoned as a child. I also know it could take 4 years of therapy to unwire these settings. When you said that you have been heartbroken now, you aren’t any more, you are happy. That’s what I find so upsetting by people like you that tell us ‘look I found love so can you.’ That is not the case at all. You are now happy. I am happy for you. But could you please listen to what many of us are saying on your page and stop thinking that just because it happened to you it will to us? We cannot get over the hurt/we cannot find love. Please listen!
I will never put myself out there to be hurt again, because I will not survive the pain of rejection again. When I see pictures of you, you look a lot younger than me. I had hope of finding my soul mate until I got to around 40 and realised that it’s me that’s the odd one, the one who doesn’t fit, the one of whom NO MAN will love or tolerate my odd ways of looking at the world, or the fact that I have been hurt before and need loving and cherishing (and do not tell me I need to love myself)
You know, you can be on your own. On your own and sad. Like I said, not everyone is meant to find love. I certainly won’t risk it ever again, because if one more person says they love me and walks away then I know I will die. For some of us the pain is too much too bear.
And I won’t put my son through the pain of being abandoned by his mother like I was.
Do you get it now?
Dear Clarissa, I get that you believe you are meant to be alone. You think you are beyond help, and I don’t argue with that. You say you can’t stand the pain of rejection and breaking up, so this is in a way an easier path for you – being alone, not subjecting yourself to risk of being hurt again. But I still believe love is possible for everyone and there is a way to overcome pain and deal with our fears. It’s just a matter of how much we want it. The only way to successfully deal with fear is to face it, not run away from it. My wish is only to give people encouragement to do this through my blog and service. I recognise some people don’t agree with me – still, that will not make me change my message. If I told people fear and running away from it is good for them, that would negate everything I am and do in my own life.
Dear Petra, thanks for your response. I didn’t say fear and running away is good for me, but it is based, like a lot of these contributions on not finding love and being consistently ignore/hurt/rejected by others. I hope that you take these comments kindly as people are trying to tell you that they have not been successful and I think you need to be a little less patronising and a little more empathetic to their plight. I also noticed I wasn’t offered a consultation and I realise you want to encourage people you do need to realise that everyone’s experience is different and no, not everyone is going to find love. It that was the case there would be less war, poverty and hunger as love would as you believe ‘conquer all.’
I realise after digging I am a highly sensitive person so this will limit to whoever I would meet in the future, if at all. I am tired of constantly being told I ‘overthink/over analyse’ am ‘too sensitive’. I realise this is because I have these traits. With that said, after your responses and that of others who keep judging me I have disabled my social life completely. I went to a party a few weeks ago everyone a couple and after so many years of this decided it best to change my life. I disabled my facebook account and no longer accept social invitations. It is safer that way because it minimises any hurt that I feel or could be subjected to. I never thought an outgoing person such as myself would ever be subjected to just a drastic course of action but I need to do this to keep myself self from any more pain and rejection. Yes it will be sad, yes it will be lonely, but at least I won’t be hurt anymore.
I hope you understand this more now, it is not a choice it is how to survive.
Dear Clarissa, my intention is not to patronise, but I do understand I might sound like that to some people. It’s not easy to find that balance between acknowledging someone’s struggles and at the same time encouraging them to do something about them. I have to challenge people to make them think about different approaches and perspectives, which is what they need to start their healing process. The problems I talk about require changes that have to happen largely from the inside – shutting down from the world is never going to solve them permanently, just make them marginally less painful. It’s like a band-aid on a wound that needs surgery. I understand that everyone is different but the way to happiness is same for everyone, just the path and pace is different. Some people need a gentle approach, some need a slap to wake up. I know I don’t always get the tone right, but if you are looking for honest feedback I will always give you one. The hardest thing is to become aware that we are the ones that can and need to change, not the world or other people. Your hyper-sensitivity is not who you are, it’s a consequence of past hurt and traumas. If you just resign to living with it, that’s fine. But if you want to be happier, you will have to make a serious effort to let go of it. I know it’s not easy. I know it’s very painful. But that’s the path you’ll have to walk if you want your life to change for the better. If you would like a consultation, you are absolutely welcome. Just send me an email via CONTACT or COACHING page.
I am 28 years old, never had a relationship, kissed a girl or ever been intimate. Ive been on 4 dates , first dates.
My whole life it was study in school or college. Work hard at your jobs. After getting laid off from my job of three years in April im looking around seeing what I have missed.
Life! I have been trying to be confident talk to girls and shit. Doesnt work. All these self help things dont work. The best line is “love comes when you least expect it” . Surrrreeeee it does.
I give up I really do. People dont let life pass you by worrying about some shit job or grades in school.
Hi Chris! I do agree with you – you shouldn’t let life pass you by. But you know what – it’s never too late to get on that train. Love does come when you least expect it but there are some conditions / things that need to be in place too. Take care and if you feel I can help you with your dilemmas feel free to contact me via email.
I have found this article just on time. I am feeling really down right now and do not see how I will ever get married. Having been raised by stern christian parents, I just do not know how to live this live outside of marriage.
I have had three long relationships since i was 20. Now I am 31 and alone. The first relationship ended because his cousin and my cousin got married first, forcing us to breakup. Now he is married to someone else and they have two kids.
The second relationship lasted 5 years and just when I thought this is it his parents found him a wife. I was turning 24 at the time and had just left college. I felt so depressed that I spent the next six years of my life alone. Nothing about men seemed interesting to me. My second boyfriend who got into a planned marriage kind of arrangement never cut communication with me. I have rejected him simply because I cannot be the first in his life and then settle for the second best in his life, aka second wife.
Last year, when i was 30 years, I decided to try a new relationship after 6 years. The relationship has failed after one year because the man has turned into a Muslim and I do not want to stop being christian. My second boyfriend also came back claiming that his wife is barren and wants me back.
I cannot get back with him of course, he is married and I am not a home wrecker. If i were to predict my future based on my past three relationships, why wouldn’t I see another beautiful relationship that will just be cut short buy a life circumstance? I am feeling so lonely that I am thinking of having a baby and just call it a day. Raise a kid alone and wait for my sunset. Could be some kid of black magic? I do not know. I am so confused and definitely unhappy. Thanks.
Hi Milli, I know it’s hard not to think we can predict our future based on our past experiences, but what we usually forget is that we learn from our life experiences, grow and change – so it’s absolutely logical to have different experiences over time. Only when we don’t learn from experience we are condemned to repeat it endlessly. From your comment it’s also clear that tradition and religion play a big part in your life, which is often very restricting in a world that has changed very much since those customs have been established. I am sure there are other things that might be the issue, but I can’t tell you more without talking to you. If you’d like to discuss your situation and possible solutions, do get in touch for a free consultation.
Well there are many of us men out there that feel the same way too, especially coming out of a Divorce which my wife of 15 years was Cheating on me. I was a very good husband that was very loving and caring as well, but it wasn’t good enough for her. She was so obsessed with being with the other man that she Cheated on me with, and money had nothing to do with it. Now all Alone and single again really Sucks for me since there are so many Very Blessed men and women that are together with their families, and me not having no children at all is worse for me. I always wanted to have a family, but as you can see that never happened. And now that i am 60 years old, meeting a Good down to earth woman is very hard for me since many women nowadays aren’t looking to settle down anymore like they once did years ago.
Thanks for commenting Jay. I understand this your situation makes you frustrated and sad, but – there are a lot of women who do want to settle with a great loving man. I don’t know how long you’ve been looking and what have you done so far to find a new partner, but if you feel it’s been to long and you’d like to examine why, do give me a shout – we can have a consultation and talk about it.
I would make a general comment that is less positive. I am 56 and I lost my wife in an accident [ove 2 years ago]. At my age I see a lot of people who will probably stay single until they die, particularly women who don’t have as many men available on the opposite side. It is coming to terms and being at ease with this that is very hard. It may happen that someone comes along but it gets less and less likely.
For myself I meet many women but they only need someone to talk to and feel at ease with. There is no sign that it will be any more than that, and in certain cases I have asked. No doors are closed but a strangely consistent pattern has emerged.
Yes the key is to believe it is not permanent but that does not remove the pain of opening the door to an empty house, which actually becomes more acute as time goes on, oddly. This hasn’t been eased by all the other inter-human activities I do. The missing day to day sharing is hard to live without and that doesn’t seem to go away. I suspect if I could find a way of solving that “desire to share” part life would become easier.
For people like me there is our work and families if we have them, which partially fills the missing part. Maybe with time things actually work as a single. From what you wrote it is the first thing [and only thing we have direct control over] to work on.
well its been a lot more than 10 years so i don’t think ill ever find a girl that can ever love me
Please get in touch, or seek another professional to help you – if you still want to have a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 10 or 50 years, your love life can always be turned around.
Petra — Despite my best efforts for the last 30 years, yes I meant three decades, I have never been able to find a match. The two amazing gentlemen I have loved in my adult life both decided to move on and could not explain why they had lost interest in me (after 7 years and 1 1/2 years). It’s so frustrating. There have been many, many other first and second dates…and sometimes up to a month or two, but I failed to inspire the imagination and pursuit by those good men.
I’ve been through several therapists and books over the years, trying to figure out what’s wrong. I’m very smart, decent looking, I have hobbies and friends of my own, my own fabulous career that generates a solid income, no unsecured debt, etc. The closest I get to a reason I’m still single is the evaluation that I don’t believe I deserve a good relationship. What no one is able to explain is how to leave that feeling behind, when it seems that 30 years of dating history supports it.
Your thoughts appreciated! K
If you don’t believe you deserve a good relationship, or that you’re worthy of love or something similar, that is a big big obstacle. It brings you wrong men, or no men. Or men who seem like the real thing but then they leave. I would be interested why therapy didn’t help – just to see if it’s a similar approach to mine and whether I can offer something you haven’t tried so far. Also, having a bit more info about you and your thoughts, feelings, beliefs would help a lot in me being able to give you a correct assessment. If you’d like to discuss in more detail, I am sure a consultation would be beneficial – and it’s free. Please let me know via email or fill in a form on CONTACT or COACHING page.
I am 35 and single. I have never been in a relationship. I don’t consider myself to be unattractive, but “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” I don’t have a problem attracting men; however, the wrong men find me interesting. Guys that I’ve found interesting look pass me for someone else.
A guy I knew from childhood did not find me interesting, at least I don’t think he did. He ignored me even though I was friends with his sister. He never said two words to me, yet I knew his entire family. He was one of those arrogant types. He wanted women to approach him. I have southern roots, so I’m old fashioned. I think the man should approach the woman. If a woman approaches a man it looks desperate in my opinion. I don’t ever want to spend the rest of my life chasing someone.
I have read the other comments and I think men go for the more attractive women. I can list many examples. If an unattractive woman is in a relationship, I think she is being used in some way. Just my opinion. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I am speaking from experience. I only see attractive men with attractive women. I don’t believe men are looking for good women. Some want a beautiful woman that they can show off to their friends.
Men still look past me. It doesn’t matter if I’m content or confident when I go somewhere. They still look past me. I don’t know what else to do because my biological clock is ticking and I’m older. I most men prefer younger women to older ones. Even when I was young guys never looked at me. Men looked past me for my friends.
I don’t have a lot of money and I know men are attracted to successful women; still, I work and go to school. I do consider myself to be poor; however, I strive for independence and would never dream of asking a man to take care of me.
I also think men make assumptions about women, but that’s another story. I can go on and on, but this post is already very long. Thanks for reading my post.
Thank you for sharing your story. You say you are attracting men, but not the right type. That is a good indicator that there is something about the way you feel or what you believe in which keeps you from meeting the kind of guys you’d like to date. Maybe you feel you are not attractive enough for them? If you’d like to dig a bit deeper and see what lies beneath, get in touch for a consultation. Wish you all my best!
I’ve been single for 3 years. I want to have a crush on someone, to fall in love and to be really excited to meet that someone. But i felt that i have lost that feeling or passion. To avoid myself from feeling rejected, i tend to dismiss a guy as just randomly flirting and tell myself they will disappear from my life in a short while and don’t give them any much thought. Most of the time, i am right. They disappear real quick. Maybe it’s my ego, maybe i’m just not into them and maybe they are really not the right one. I have a friend say that a guy will go through hell just to meet the girl they love even if they can meet just for a minute. And i just haven’t found that kind of man. Am i expecting too much or i have an inferiority complex? I don’t know. I just want to have that feeling back. I want to be in love.
Hello, don’t know what is the problem, but you do seem quite unhappy about it. I believe you would benefit from a consultation, if for nothing else to get your spirits up a bit. Let me know if you’d like that – please send an inquiry via my COACHING page and we’ll schedule it. It’s free and it will be via Skype. Take care!
I actually feel worse now. Yes, I have been single for over 10 years. Over 20 years. I have changed my life to make it as happy as possible … I have a job and a home I love, take part in activities and sports in my community, and actively look for a mate. I have counted the single people I know, and acknowledge that I am not alone in not finding anyone – but they are all both also female and older than me. I am missing the children I always thought I would have, and don’t see a way to make this happen for myself. I have no family close by, and can’t imagine raising a child without a support system in place.
Hey, I am sorry this made you feel worse. I know this article isn’t about people who’ve been single for most or all their lives. If you’d like to discuss and see what could help in your situation, feel free to contact me for a consultation via my CONTACT or COACHING pages. It’s free.
I know the reason I believe I’ll always be single is learned behaviour. The first (and only) time I was ever asked out was when I got to college. Not those doofy little middle school dates where you walk around the mall for an hour. I never got asked to prom or homecoming. And now, this one guy who I honestly believed was the only guy for me, the only one who cared enough to try, left me because he ‘has his own problems that he needs to work out.’ I have social anxiety disorder, so I have a very small circle of friends, which includes no guys. I don’t go out to meet people, that scares me too much. This one guy that I did meet, the only person who tried to be involved in my life, I met at church, and he turned out to have been using me the whole time. The only way I could ever be with someone is if they decided they wanted to be with me first, and went out of their way to meet a girl who doesn’t say anything. And history’s taught me that people don’t want to work for that, they want you to smile at them and flip your hair so they know they won’t be rejected. Most women my age have been through two or three serious relationships, and a handful of flings in between. I’ve had one. And he’s gone, so I guess that’s it.
Hi there. If you want to date more you’ll have to change your behaviour, before that change how you feel about yourself. How can anyone see there is something interesting about you if you never say a word? Then it really comes down to looks, and even if you are a looker, it’s still no guarantee you’ll attract the type of boys you want if they don’t get an idea who you are as a person too. Your experiences so far have been hurtful – but think about it this way: it’s not about them, it’s about you. You attract those confused boys because you don’t believe there is anything you can attract them with, except superficial flirting tactics. Your own confusion, insecurity and fears are what attracts them, not to hurt you – it’s a way life gives you wake up calls to get fed up with being treated that way, and start valuing yourself more. You are not a shy quiet girl, you are a person with talents and qualities. But you need to see yourself that way before others start noticing it. You don’t have to become an extrovert to attract attention, but you need to feel good in your introvert skin.
It’s difficult for me to find the ‘evidence’ you’re talking about by looking back 5 or 10 years. The last relationship I had where I fancied him and he fancied me ended 6.5 years ago. Since then, I have met only one person I fancied who fancied me and that lasted all of three dates because it had been six years and I was desperate. I did shag/go out with people between those times. In fact, I stayed in one miserable relationship for 4 years (but kept my eyes open for other options….). I didn’t fancy him, I didn’t really love him. I felt responsible for him, I felt guilty, I saw him as needy and wanted to protect him. And we were great friends. But it’s been a very long time since I’ve had a ‘proper’ relationship.
I’m 28 and attractive, bright, successful, talented, I have a lot in my life. I get a lot of positive attention. I just never like them back. And I’m just plain sick of lowering my standards because I think they’re unrealistic (that’s what happened last time and why I got trapped in the last relationship, although to be fair, I kept my eyes open and saw nothing).
How am I supposed to believe that I will meet someone and it will be great if it’s happened twice in eight years? I want to believe it, and I’ve kept my eyes open for the last five months since the horrible three dates (in which I went into a total frenzy after he ignored me for four days when I tried to organise our next date…the person I would want wouldn’t ignore me for four days in that situation, so he wasn’t right for me either…) and I have not met one person I would even consider spending an hour with. I’m on four dating websites, I get several messages a day, none of them are people I want to meet.
I don’t think I’m picky. I think I’m exactly the same as everyone else. I want someone I find nice to look at and who I have things in common with and can talk to easily. It just seems that guy doesn’t exist. I just want to stop wanting it altogether so I can accept not having it, to be honest.
Hi and thank you for sharing your story here. I can’t say for sure what’s the problem but the way your relationships have rolled out so far – the issue is more likely in how you feel about yourself and your choices, than the fact there are no good men out there. When we keep attracting unsuitable partners – the real question is why do we keep attracting them, what is it in the way we feel/think/believe that feeds us back such experiences. If you’d like to talk about this I am sure we’ll come up with answers and possible solutions, let me know. You can request a free consultation just contact me on email or via CONTACT or COACHING page.
I don’t remember writing that….I must have been in a different place. I don’t think that there is something wrong with men, incidentally, and didn’t at the time. I experience most people as good at heart, although sometimes struggling, but my interest in relationships was low to begin with and now is zilch. Thank you for your offer, though. I’ve come to realise that some people just don’t really want to be involved with other people and that’s fine too 🙂
I want some input or tips I guess. I have
tried so many things to find a girl with no
sucess, I’ve tried pretty much every
major dating site, and payed hundreds of
dollars ($500+) for sucriptions and what
not. One time I even used an auto clicker
to hit like on a site for hours straight and
I’ve been rejected by no less than 10,000
woman over the course of a year, 100’s
with special messages made just for
them, I’ve also tried malls, bookstores,
conventions, concerts with no luck. I
even tried Craigs list… and no luck there
either. Literally I’ve tryed everything I can
possibly think of. I’m 6’1 work out, have a
job and a car. I don’t know what to do
anymore. I wouldn’t wish being this
lonely on my worst enemy. My only
standard is that she is healthy and not
obese. I’m not asking for much just
someone to share my life with. I’d really
appreciate any tips or knowledge you
It must be something else that is the problem – not your level of activity and the amount of options you are looking into. Think about it this way – if you were looking for a job you have no skills or knowledge for, would you expect to find it? There is a number of other things that could be the reason for your lack of success in finding a partner: your feelings and thoughts about yourself, your confidence you can be a good partner, your perception of the dating world and relationships… all of that can heavily influence our experiences. We are the ones creating our scene, and we attract or don’t attract certain experiences based on how we feel about our chances to find them. Let me know if this is something you’d like to explore – we can look for reasons and answers together. As you probably have seen in my other answers, I offer a free consultation which is basically an exploratory session that helps people understand why they are where they are and give them clues as to what needs to change. Just get in touch on email or via CONTACT or COACHING page, and we’ll arrange to talk.
Hello, thanks for that post.
I’m 29 yo male, I had 2 unsuccesfull long time relationships, and after second one I decided to do something to improve my life. That was when I was 25. I went to a college – medical profile, started to study a lot, worked a lot, started to exercise regularry and then I lost any interest in searchig for someone…
That lasted for about 3 years, but in summer 2013 I met a girl which made stron impression on me, I felt something in my heart, started to dating her, but it didnt work out.
Since then something changed I started to look around, Im seeing my friends getting settled, have kids etc, and I dont. ..
I met few girls in last year I even entered in a relationship with one but it also failed (that was long distance relationship and she didnt make it out).
Im still studying, I have job, Im thinking about doctorate, my career is going forward, but parallely Im starting to be very afraid that I will never find that right girl, especially after so many failures…
I dont see myself as a unatractive person I know girls like me, and are interested in me, but my problem is that its hard for me to find a girl which intrigue me… And my deepest dream is to be with girl wich I will love more than life.
I dont know what to do, should I get into relationship of convenience? I want to be happy, but my fear about being alone is so strong that Im afraid I will do it someday, I will be with someone whom I cant love, and we will be unhappy forever…
Would you be concerned about this if there was no social pressure – other people getting settled? If it was just you, would you go for the next available girl or wait for the one you really want to be with? It is potentially the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with, so it’s really your choice how you want to spend it. Finding a partner is not the goal, finding love is the goal for you, at least I think so. In that case you are looking for it until you find it. Having said that, there might be other reasons that are preventing you from finding the right partner: low confidence, wrong criteria, not feeling good enough as you are… that’s where you need to look first. When you are confident you are a great partner and person, and you have something valuable to give, and you want to give without fear of being rejected or hurt – that’s when the partner you want and desire will appear. If any of that is off – that’s the reason you meet unsuitable partners, or no partners. If you’d like to discuss this and get to a more precise answer what might be the problem, let me know and we can schedule a consultation. Take care.
I am 42. Every day I am closer to death. My age is suffocating me. I had a traumatic marriage to a beautiful woman so I want what I didn’t have, I want to marry a beautiful woman. I don’t think that makes me shallow. Forgive the analogy but it’s like being given a brand new toy and having it taken away and told you cannot play with it. I want what I didn’t have.
Yes my life has changed greatly over the years and I know it will continue to change, I have a degree, I can bake, I am learning new skills and will eventually learn a new language but I cannot make anyone fall in love with me, I cannot change who I am, the smiles and laughter of the class clown died long ago.
Sometimes I strike up conversations but don’t go beyond general chit chat, there is a hand pulling me back telling me I’m too old, you’ll get hurt, walk away. All I see is blackness, loneliness and emptiness. Now matter the improvements I have made in myself, the new skills I have learned, I cannot change the past and I cannot do anything about my age. I don’t see a way out. My religious beliefs are the only reason I haven’t taken my life.
Hello. I am sorry you feel so negative about your future and your age. But you are not dead yet! Please think about what you want more – have a fulfilling life and make a change in your circumstances – or just stay where you are and feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your days. I know it’s hard to move from a dark place but that’s why you have people like me who can help. The only thing that is standing in your way is your beliefs, which are mostly untrue and unjustified – you are not old and you are not hopeless. You can find a beautiful woman, and women your age are not old and ugly either. You can find someone who will love you just the way you are and appreciate your gifts and giving. If you’d like to work with me feel free to get in touch for a consultation (please send an email via COACHING or CONTACT page).
Im only twenty three but i`ve often think of just being lonely. Not that i have a problem with being in a relationship; i have a problem with settling for whatever so i never been in a long term relationship. Sometimes i feel like i maybe to serious or shallow but my priorties are just in a diffrent place. Then i dont go out i dont date, all i do is work an come home… wow feel like such an old lady.. sometimes i feel sad to come home lonely but often im happy with being in my own bubble. I know its not healthy to distant yourself from people like that, but i feel i have gotten so use to being this way that it will be harder to change.
I think it’s perfectly fine to sometimes feel you want to be single. Why not? It’s great to spend time on your own and be content with that, as long as you don’t use your bubble as an excuse for running away from closeness and intimacy. I don’t know if that’s an issue for you, but it is a common one – we are so afraid of getting hurt that we rather stay alone then take a risk – even if we truly desire a relationship. If you’d like to get to the bottom of the issue – we can have a consultation and talk about it, and I’ll give you a bit more informed feedback. Just send a note via my Coaching or Contact page and we’ll take it from there.
I’m 55 and from Asia and for the past 10 years after my divorce I had been unable to find a partner or anyone who is really interested to stay in a relationship. The younger guys prefer younger women. The older men, well, they still prefer a younger woman. I do not need to add that I look fairly young for my age and witty, good humored, easy going, healthy and lived a balanced lifestyle. No idea why is it so hard to find a serious partner. I can only attribute it to either age or because I’m a single mom. The minute they hear I have a child, they’d politely decline or if they discover I’m actually menopausal, they’d disappear. Just a note that it is typically Asian men mentality. But before I get slaughtered by an Asian defense response, let me say that it is an opinion I get from MY OWN personal encounters and the numbers go beyond what you can count with your fingers and toes put together, which is why i say it is a “typical” response. I have resigned to the fact that I am way past my shelf life and I will have to live my life out alone and no amount of intelligence, grace, humor, wittiness is going to make any difference. Grim but true fact of life.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. What you’ve experienced is common, and certainly a lot of people experience it. But – it doesn’t have to be your destiny. Think about how you are maybe contributing to the situation, and why you keep meeting men who don’t want to date you not because of who you are as a person, but because of your life circumstances (age, child). There must be some place where you don’t value yourself enough to feel you are worthy of love regardless of your life situation. If you wish to talk about this – feel free to contact me for a consultation.
I’m alone, and I have a mental illness. It’s unbearable because no decent person will ever date me. I have no close friends. I have no family. I’m 50 years old and divorced completely alone Alone on holidays when I don’t have my kids. My illness scares people off and it keeps me from trusting people and also I act weird at times. I hate my life. It’s not a life.
Hi there. I am so sorry you feel this way. I am sure it is hard to be in your place – but I am sure there must be a way to get you to a happier one. I don’t know if I am the best person to help, but if you feel that could help do contact me for a consultation (just send an inquiry via Contact or Coaching page).
I don’t know if this article is accurate. I’m 20 and while I’ve had flings, I’m not a virgin, I’ve kissed girls, etc, I’ve never had a real girlfriend. I’ve never been chosen. I’m very good looking, people tell me I’m intelligent every day, and evidently that’s attractive as well, but I just don’t meet girls. When I do, they choose other men. Even if I display interest. I guess I’m not exciting enough or don’t have enough “relationship game”, but in all of 21 years, the only girl I was ever actually with lived in Boston. I got to go see her one time and after that we broke up because she went through her college girl phase and wanted to screw other guys.
At this point I’m sure that there’s no hope. Even the girl I’m attempting to date right now says she isn’t sure she loves me. She’s hinting at wanting to be “just friends”. This is the second psuedo-relationship I’ve been in in twenty years of being alive, and I’d really love for her to be the girl that I can actually be with, but as usual I’m not good enough.
Statistically there are people who will involuntarily die alone no matter what their circumstances are. Some of us are going to try for our entire lives only to be turned down consistently because we aren’t relationship material. If this girl and I don’t end up together, I’ll probably just have to learn to deal with the pain of being alone and wanting love for the rest of my life- it’ll always be there until eventually I go numb and stop caring. I’ll never find anybody. I’m part of that statistic.
Well what can I say – if it makes you feel better, you can console yourself with a statistic. If you want to do something about it, there is always a way. 20 is really really young to be so fatalistic. Think about it, why would you be so undateable? There are people with no arms and legs who have partners, there are people who I am sure look a lot less attractive than you and still have someone, there are all kinds of people you’d never think would be able to get a date yet they do… what makes you think you can’t find it? Just because you had 2 (TWO) pseudo-relationships? That is a very short record to base your conclusions about the rest of your life on.
I am going through a particularly bad patch at the moment and have come across your site at the right time. I have read through the comments and I can completely relate! I went through a bad break up a couple of years ago and I haven’t met anyone since. For that reason I keep doubting my decision to end the last relationship as I know he did love me but he had many issues and I just could not trust him. I think now was I wrong? Did I give up on him and should I have tried to make it work. He is in another relationship and happy now and I’m starting to think maybe it’s me why I can’t meet someone else. Deep down I know I deserve better than him as he treated me bad and lied but why can’t I meet someone new? I don’t have really high standards I just want to meet a nice caring person with the same ambitions as me. I am often told I am pretty and asked why on earth am I single. I don’t understand. I am naturally big busted so I have tried to cover up as maybe people get the wrong impression but I don’t want to change who I am to meet someone. I like to be glamorous but when I am with someone I am with them 100%. Some of the guys comments on here are so sweet and I just don’t meet nice guys like that when I am out. Where are they in real life!? I also find I am quite shy as I too was bullied in school, so I sometimes keep back the real me and I only truly open up on pages like this where they are strangers and I can hide behind my computer. I guess I am scared of sounding silly. i am 25 years old and I miss having a partner who is a best friend. I keep having sleepless nights and thinking I won’t meet someone or love someone and have the connection that I did with my ex. Even though he has forgotten about me and found it with someone new. I know I shouldn’t think this way but I am just ready to be with someone but they are all hiding away! Where are all the nice decent men?? How can I meet someone nice?
Hi there, it is so true – sometimes it feels like all the nice guys (or girls) are living on another planet 🙂 I felt that way myself sometimes, during my 3+ years single periods. There are many things that prevent us from finding a partner, but they can all be detected and dealt with. I don’t know what might be the issue for you, why you can’t find someone – but if you’d like to explore it – we can have a consultation. Just send me an inquiry via contact or coaching page and we’ll arrange.
Hi Petra, I’m a 32 year old female and I’ve never had a serious relationship….I spent my 20’s focusing on my career, studying and having fun with my friends and although I always wanted to meet someone then, it just never happened and I was never that caught up about it. I had relationships that have lasted a few months or so but always with the guys ending it because they have either said they don’t want a serious relationship or that I’m a great girl but im not the one for them. I am happy with my career, I’ve got great friends, I’ve moved country 4 years ago, have met really good friends now and happy in all other areas of my life. I have been told I am pretty, I am kind and I always have a good laugh…As a person I think positively. I have come to the point in my life, probably within the past 3 years that I’d love to meet someone and have a family. I have had a very stable upbringing have the best family and all my brothers and sisters are happily married with children. My best friends have all settled down and now starting their own families. Because I was fairly new to the new country, I decided to do online dating, as I gathered you may as well be proactive. I have also met guys in the last few years through friends and on nights out. Every guy that I have met and liked in the few years have all dumped me. When I think it’s going well, they say that they don’t want a serious relationship, and a guy even said that he did want a serious relationship but I’m such a kind person thoughtful and pretty but that just wasn’t for him?!? I dont run after them, I give them their space, I don’t act needy even when I’m frustrated with the not knowing part of a relationship, and yet I get dumped. I’ve tried going out with guys who aren’t my type. Its starting to take its toll, I’m starting to give up hope that I will ever find love. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Do I need to act needy, do I need to act a psycho to maintain a mans attention? I do everything by the book and it still doesn’t work. I’m a good person with a good heart and an attractive personality. I find it difficult to meet men other than online because I work in a female dominated workforce, all of my friends are in relationships and I am over the bar scene. I would love to think that someday il meet the love of my life, but now that I’m getting older, I find that men my age or even mid to late thirties can find younger women with such ease given the extent of offers on online dating. Everytime a short relationship fizzles out, or the guy doesn’t call after the 3rd or 4th date I plod on to the next with hope. I’m starting to feel like a failure in this aspect of my life and such a disappointment, I really don’t want to be single forever…I’ve been single most of my life.
From your comment I can’t tell what might be the issue, but if you’d like to discuss this further, we’ll dig and find it – please contact me for a consultation via Contact or Coaching page.
Hi Mrs/Ms. Petra.. I will not say my age, but I am young. A lot lately I have had thoughts that you would think are odd, and just plainly weird. I have this childhood video game called “Kingdom Hearts” a game where you play as a boy wielding a weapon called the Keyblade. Seperated from his friends Riku and Kairi. He sets off with new friends, called Donald Duck and Goofy, to other worlds. During this adventure, he runs into enemies called the Heartless. They fear the Keyblade and they steal other hearts. After all the Disney worlds are safe, and Malificent and Heartless Ansem are gone. I went to Kingdom Hearts 2, skipping the other game in between. Here he does the same, but a new enemy. The Nobodies. They are controlled by Organization 13. To the point. Sora always admired Kairi. After a cut scene about them. I get off it. I don’t play it too much, by the way. I go to sleep wondering if I will ever get an adventure like Sora, and even get a relationship. I woke up thinking how to stop the thought. But I don’t think it will.
Hey young. I think you need to get your ass off that couch and go into the real world, where you can meet real girls and see what it’s like to have a relationship with a person, and not fantasize about game characters. That’s the best way to figure out if you can have a good relationship, and with someone who will actually be able to talk to you, look you in the eye, hug and kiss you. Just do it, and see what happens. Life is so much better and more fun than virtual reality.
I have been single for over four years now. My last breakup devastated me (I had never been dumped before) and it took me a while to get my life back in order. The problem is that there has only been ONE man that I have found attractive who also has shown any interest in me since that time. He is very attractive and has a great personality. He also just ditched me after only four days–ouch. I am SO AFRAID that I will never find anyone else that I find interesting or attractive that is actually interested in me too. I have tried online dating, but most of the men seem the same, and naturally, the ones that message me are not the ones that I would consider dating. Perhaps I am aiming too high. I am not really sure.
So here I am, grieving over a four day fling as though we had been dating for months. I think it is because I have not dated in such a long time and because of this oppressive fear of never finding a mutual spark with anyone again. Clearly I invested too much, too quickly, and I am distressed about how terrible I feel. Is this normal?
It’s normal, though not very good for you to be so into someone after 4 days, but yes – happens to us all. I don’t know what might the issue – why you can’t seem to meet guys you like, but your criteria might be it. Do read my posts on that topic – Am I too picky? and I am too picky, but I can’t change my demands and see if anything resonates. Also, if you’d like to discuss in a private setting, we can have a consultation and explore it further, and I’ll give you a more precise answer. Just contact me via Contact or Coaching page to arrange it.
Well, it’s not as though I didn’t know him before last week…we were actually involved very VERY briefly last October. It hurt that time too; I guess I had forgotten how hard it was. And he lives nearby, so we run into each other fairly often. I wish I knew why this was so painful for me! And to top it all off, I was laid off from my job yesterday, so I suddenly have TONS of time to ruminate. I really just want the pain to go away! Perhaps I will contact you through your coaching page to discuss further. Incidentally, I don’t think I am being too picky…I think my romantic self-esteem is just too low. When I do see someone that I find attractive, I automatically assume that he can do better than me and I put the idea completely out of my head. My last relationship really eroded my self-esteem. I avoid rejection like the plague, and for good reason it would seem. I am really suffering over someone that doesn’t really deserve this much of my time or energy.
Could be self esteem – it is a big factor in having wrong or no matches for a long time. Do contact me and we can talk about it properly. Now you have some extra time 🙂
I feel like this comment thread is a testament to how much wishful thinking is in this article. 🙁 it’s not unrealistic to fear that we will always be alone, primarily because so many people ARE always alone. I appreciate that you are trying to keep people upbeat- there’s rarely anything less attractive than a depressed person- but unfortunately, all the psychology and positive thinking in the world can’t fix a nihilist but true outlook.
This is me, coming off a 9 year relationship that is ending today. I think my fear of being alone led me to get into the relationship, allowed me to ignore numerous red flags, and led both her and I into an emotional limbo where neither of us could ever be satisfied. I realize that now.
I was single for 8 years before I met her. I see no reason to believe I’ll ever meet someone else, and if I do, it will be doomed from the start with this sort of wishful thinking.
Hello Realist, not that many people are always alone. Statistics in US show that 91% of people get married at least once in their lives. Most of the ones who don’t have at least one relationship in their lifetime. You are right though, that this article attracts people who are alone, hence all the comments that disapprove it. And you are right about something else too – positive thinking can only do so much. Thinking positive does work, but you can’t change how you think by force. You can’t think positive to stop feeling negative and pessimistic. That doesn’t work. But – if you deal with underlying issues that cause negativity, your experiences will start changing, and you will subsequently change your thinking. This article was meant to give people a bit of boost and different perspective. It helps some, but not everyone. I explained how negative thinking and beliefs influence our reality in my free webinar, if you’re interested it’s here (you’ll have to register to my newsletter list to get it). But the real work cannot be done in one article, that’s why I offer coaching and courses to help people step by step, because real results cannot be achieved over night.
If you had 8 years of singledom, and 9 years relationship which was with a wrong person – I’d say it would be a good idea to look at why is it so. We all have emotional issues and traumas that influence our close relationships, especially romantic ones, and we are usually blind to those issues ourselves, so it’s good to seek professional help. Contact me if you’re interested in mine.
Wow! It is sad to see so many people hurting in this way. It seems it is more of a problem than you thought. But, it’s slightly comforting to know I’m not alone in my situation. I have felt my lack of dates and finding my next “life partner” is more or less related to my age (57). I was married for many years and single now for 13. But when I honestly examine the last 13 I see I did have a couple of long-term relationships ( one for 1 1/2 years, one for 3 years),
However, I’ve been without a relationship for 3 years now and feel that as I get older my prospects are narrowing a bit. I have found we have baggage we carry around. And most of the men I encounter now want a younger woman or it seems just sex without commitment. I am becoming very fearful I just may be alone forever. But the article you wrote which attracted all these comments did give me hope.
We do get tired as we get older. And a lot if us want a relationship but get tired of the initial get-to-know-you phrase and we tend to give up and start isolating ourselves. And rejection especially as we age is more painful.
And the aging in and of itself can give us feelings of not being in top form.
Would love that free consult. And I want to be optimistic that I will not grow old alone.
Thank you for your comment. You are right – we’re all a bit guilty for letting our love life slide, and some of our reasons are more, some less realistic. But I believe there is always a partner awaiting for those who don’t give up their search (which also includes removing their inner obstacles – tack of self-confidence, negative beliefs, fears and insecurites). If you are up for it – absolutely, let’s schedule the consultation, please send me a request via Coaching or Contact page. I’d be happy to talk to you about your situation and possible solutions.
I liked your article. I felt compelled to believe the real thing is out there for me after reading it. Then I went and read some comments linked to the article and quickly remembered all the feelings I feel in my fear of being alone permanently. I do agree with Doni, nice to see I’m not the only successful, stable and attractive women still single out there. Sometimes it does seem like I’m the only single one…most especially since I’m the only one not married in my very large family. The added anxiety dooms my every day in that I want so very much to be a mother and to do this naturally with the man I love. Next week I turn 35 and I’m freaking out since I feel that my window of opportunity is closing. Still, here I am single and trying to date via online, singles meet ups-I even got a part time job as a snow board instructor to “swim in a new pond” so to speak (I’m a full time art teacher in addition to the part time gig) still! No bueno.
I can be very positive for days at a stretch but then those three to four day stretches come where I can’t take my mind off my loneliness or deflect my anxiety at my “not having children’ ways. How to keep more consistently positive and believing my guy is out there? Maybe I should tape your article to my bathroom mirror as a visual reminder.
Sheesh-I’m rambling you got me going.
Thanks for input!
Hi Courtney. I can really relate to being positive for a few days (or hours lol) and then feeling like the whole world is crashing down on you. My bf just broke up with me and sometimes I’m so positive and thankful that the break up happened because I knew we weren’t meant for each other, and then other times Im like “oh god, he’s probably the only person who will ever ask me out, and I just let that go” and basically descend into misery. I have no idea how to make the positive feelings stay. I seem post positive at work when I’m busy, but when I come home at night and I’m alone it really just gets me down and I get sososo anxious.
Hi Courtney, I know it’s hard to stay positive when reality proves you otherwise. Just thinking positive isn’t enough, you have to feel and believe it’s possible for you to meet a good partner soon. If you have trouble finding and/or keeping a relationship, it would be useful to look at why that is happening. There might be a deeper cause that’s keeping you single. Sometimes our emotional traumas, fears or insecurities reflect on our love lives in that way. If you’d like to talk about this, do give me a shout, we can have a consultation which will enable me to give you a more concrete answer.
I have a very hard time with loneliness. I’m 37 and never really been in a long-term relationship. I dated a guy for 2 months in college and then again recently until he just faded away. Both of my brothers are married – one has 3 kids. The majority of my friends are married or on their way there. I’ve been trying internet dating off and on for 4 years and trying to go to different meet-up groups in the area, but alas, I can’t seem to find anyone. I’m pretty attractive, very smart, funny, kind, friendly, caring – all my friends and co-workers are always telling me how great I am – male and female. So why can’t I find someone? I have sent 100s of message to guys I see online and very very rarely do I ever hear back from one. And I have been on tons of awful dates – rudeness and such (twice I had guys point to my chest and tell me how much they love my boobs on the first date). I just don’t really understand why I can’t get things to click with the right men. Over the years, I seem to always come in second place to some other woman who ends up getting the guy. I think with a lot of this going on over the years, my self-esteem in the dating world has really taken a huge hit. I don’t know what else more to do. I feel completely hopeless. I really need guidance.
Dating success is unfortunately not just about how active you are, the most important thing is how you feel about yourself and your chances to find someone. Seems like you are being rejected more than it would realistically make sense – and there must be a deeper reason for it. Do contact me for a consultation (via Coaching or Contact page), I can help but we need to talk so I can give you a precise assessment first.
I am 22 years old and my boyfriend of 4 years just dumped me. I always knew I couldn’t marry him but I was sosososo attached to him and I really did love him so I never could muster up the courage to break up with him. Now that I’m alone I’m completely devastated because growing up, literally NO boy has ever had a crush on me. Not in elementary school, not in high school. I met my bf in university but he had a crush on my friend first, and she rejected him. He was absolutely desperate at the time to find a gf since he had never had one before and really wanted the experience of being in a relationship (I know this because he told me this when we were just friends). I think that’s why he began dating me. I was never his first choice. If he wasn’t so desperate he wouldn’t have dated me in the first place. And in the 4 years that I’ve dated him, I’ve still gone out with my friends and stuff and gone on vacations with friends but not a SINGLE guy has approached me and hit on me or asked for my # or shown any interest in me. And no I wasn’t acting “cold” because I was in a relationship- therefore making myself seem unapproachable. I was my friendly self and no body was interested…. for 22 years of my life…. so now that my relationship is done with my one and only bf, I feel like I will just never find anybody. I always thought to myself that worst case, I could go on a dating website… but after reading these comments it looks like dating websites aren’t successful for lots of people. It’s also very hard for me because my ex is in dental school, so he’s surrounded by girls and I’m sure he will find someone because he’s not ugly and he’s going to be making lots of money. I however, am not in school. I have no idea what i want to do with my life but i know whatever it is won’t be that great considering the programs I applied to are boring and i make mediocre money… I have nothing going for me and I just work at an optometrist office right now with all female staff… so I have no way of meeting guys… I feel like most people meet their spouse in school but since I’m not going to any sort of graduate school, I won’t meet anyone… I have lots of friends in medical school and they’re surrounded by lots of people their age with similar interests and i’m sure thats where they’ll find their future husband, but unfortunately i’m not able to go to graduate school so its going to be so much harder for me to find somebody….
I don’t think being 22 and having a 4-year relationship behind you is a bad score! You are one lucky girl to have had a serious relationship at that young age. Please don’t think all your chances are spent already, that has nothing to do with reality. If you can’t meet men where you currently roam, go out more: at your age it shouldn’t be such a problem to find places where you can meet single guys. I think your attitude is the main problem here, not a shortage of chances. With that negative outlook on everything that’s happening in your life, and such low belief in your abilities – I doubt many boys will find you attractive or interesting. Focus on getting your life where you want it to be, making the most of your school and work and just building a life you love, once you are happier in your own skin, you will be more confident and that will make more interesting guys interested in you. Don’t date or marry someone just so you can show the world you are not alone. That’s never made anyone happy. And btw, you have so much time to find a good life partner. People who marry at your age are rare, and people who marry happily at your age are almost nonexistent.
I love your article, it really made me think about a lot of things. But I don’t know what my issue is. I mean i’m 23 and I have never had a boyfriend. I haven’t even dated anyone ever in my life. I feel like part of the reason was because in high school, guys seemed interested in me but I felt like all they wanted to do was just to do it, and I didn’t want that. Therefore, I just went to parties and had fun. Then i thought, okay college I will for sure have a boyfriend by then but nope, nothing. Im on my last year and still no boyfriend. I mean guys have showed interest in me, but I feel like all they want to do is do it, so i’m afraid they wont like me because i don’t know how to do anything. I mean it never really bothered me before because a few of my friends were single with me too, but recently all my friends started dating someone and when they talk about it I feel like i want to be apart of that conversation too but no guys are talking to me. It kind of makes me sad because it makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. It makes me even more self conscious.Even now when i go out i sometimes notice cute guys but im too afraid to make eye contact with them because I dont want them to come up to me and talk to me. I dont want them to come up talk to me because i think they might not like me if they see me up close or something. I have also started doing things that make me happy but I dont know it just seems like its going to take forever. Also when i go out with my friends to clubs, i dont really like to talk to guys because I just want to have fun and being with a guy kind of makes me nervous because i am so inexperienced. What should I do or what is wrong with me?
You need to stop thinking so much and analysing what if … and what will or won’t happen, and start doing something. Like, go on a date. Like talk to a guy. Like, let someone invite you for a drink or a date. I am not saying you have to have sex with the first guy who asks you out, but you have open yourself to possibilities. The guy who will truly be into you will understand why you waited and won’t be intimidated by your lack of experience. This way, if you don’t give a guy even a chance to ask you out, how will you ever know if he’s good for you? Life is scary and comes with many risks – but if we don’t take any, we can’t truly live. There’s no way around it, you have to experience something to know if you like it or not. So take a chance, and see what happens. Soon you’ll be much less insecure, and you’ll have a much better idea of what kind of guy you want to date. There is no way you can learn that from any book.
I’m 21 years old and despite me wanting a relationship so badly i have never had one. This makes me very sad because every night i go to bed whishing that i had a partner next to me. I have great friends, i do good in college, i seem to get everything i want. But the one thing i always wanted ( relationship) i can never seem to get. I’m a virgin. When i go on dates all the guys dissappear for no reason after the first date. They never text back evn though we had much fun on the date. All the men i dated seem to only have sexual interest. Why do i have to be cursed like this? Can you help me out?
I can’t tell you why this is happening without talking to you a bit more – if you’d like that, contact me for a consultation. One thing I know – you are certainly not cursed, it can be helped. Take care.
Haha, what a load of bs. Alone a few years max, hahaha! Try 42 years alone. No dates, no nothing except the laughter lingering in my ears from the Times when I got up the courage to ask.
If you’ve been single for so long, there has to be an underlying reason. This article is not meant to help everyone, I would advise you to talk to someone about it.
I’m 29. I feel like I got a late start in life. I was raped by my boyfriend when I was 16 and he was just released from jail. I was single until 22. The years in between we’re painful, but healing. I dated my 2nd boyfriend for 3 years until he cheated on me. I grieved a solid year. Since then I’ve been on dating websites. I’ve gone on a few crappy dates. I dated one guy a few months but didn’t connect. I want love. I want a family. I want to believe these things are possible for me. But I’m having a really hard time finding the genuine human connection I seek. I’ve been single now 3 years. I have a strong sense of self. I can genuinely say that I love myself. Yet I cannot find a person to love and be loved in return; it is the most important thing in the world to me other than my career. How will I ever find deep and lasting connection?
I am not sure you genuinely love yourself and have a strong sense of self worth. You probably have confidence in some areas of your life, but that maybe doesn’t transfer to your love life – where you might feel like you’ve failed so far, so you beat yourself up about it. When you truly love yourself, you don’t see a partner as a confirmation of your worth, or a life achievement. A partner is then someone who complements your beautiful life and happiness that you already have. And you are sure relationships happen when you’re ready and willing – you don’t worry about it. I would love to talk to you and get more insight, if you’d be up for that. Just send me an email and we’ll arrange a consultation, and we’ll explore this a bit deeper and get to the bottom of the issue. Take care.
I found this because of Google. I’m 28 years old and never had a boyfriend. I haven’t been kissed in 2 and a half years and the kiss was so bad that the guy didn’t want to see me again (at least I think, everything went well before the kiss). I had a friend tell me when I was 20 that I would never find love the way I was (and still am).
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 3 years ago. It’s very tough for me because I have only my Dad for family, and he is very unreliable and childish. My friends don’t seem to have a lot of time for me because they are almost all married and having children.
I feel like the only way I can be part of a family is if I get married. I feel like when my Dad dies I will be alone until I die. My Dad doesn’t take care of himself, either, so it’s a real fear of mine. I feel so much pressure from myself, my friends and society to find someone.
I’ve tried online dating for four years now, with only one second date. I don’t think the men on these sites are ever interested in me as a person, they seem to be using me to kill time. I say that because they don’t make any effort to meet halfway, at a time that is convenient for both of us. They don’t even try to dress nice or wear cologne. On my last date, the guy didn’t bother to shower or take a bus/car to the place (I met him at a park and drove him).
I keep thinking that because of my Borderline I would be a horrible girlfriend anyway. Not to mention I feel like men somehow know there is something wrong with me and avoid me because of it. I was never loved as a child, either. Always told how fat I was, or how lazy and such. I really wish I could feel the warmth that all my friends get to. I feel so alone and defective.
I don’t know if you could help at all. It’s fine if you can’t.
Dear Kate, I think the main reason for you not being able to find a partner is your very very low self esteem. That’s why you attract men who don’t care and don’t bother – because you don’t think there is anything about you to be loved or cared about. You can change that. And I can help, if you’d like to see how – send me a consultation request and we’ll talk about it in more detail. Just email via Contact or Coaching pages.
Hi. I split up with my husband of 19yrs 18 months ago. After a few rocky years he said that he didn’t love me anymore. So I became a single mum at 38. I thought I was dealing with this really well have turned my life around but lately I am getting really upset with being lonely, on my own. My son tries to help, but it’s hard to e plain to an eleven year old the difference in being alone and feeling alone(single). Some times I think maybe it is calmer as I did put my ex through a lot with me being diagnosed with depression. He is happy in a new relationship and wish him well. The other thing is maybe I am scared of finding a new man as my ex was the only man I have ever had a relationship with.
Hi Helen, these are all very real and normal concerns. I think a consultation would be helpful to explore a bit more and see what would best help you. Would you like that? Please contact me if you do via Contact or Work with me pages.
I tell myself that I have forgotten that my ex cheated on me while he and I were married, but the same feelings of not feeling good enough for a man to love me seems to keep coming up in my life. I know it is this feeling that can sabotage any relationship, but whenever I really care for a man he will end up finding a new woman in his life. I really liked your advice on what to do while I’m looking for my new love to come into view. I am working out at the gym and finishing up my bachelors degree. I also am looking to volunteer with Special Olympics so I am not concentrating on my own situation so much. Am I on the right path? Why do I beat myself up so much? How do I let go of my fear of being hurt again?
I do understand your struggle, it’s not easy to change how we feel about ourselves, often times it’s been engraved in our psyche from young age and it’s the only way we know – that we are not good enough, attractive enough, that we need to change or try harder in order to be loved and accepted. Most of human cultures and societies always concentrate on pointing out flaws and dealing with stuff that doesn’t work, and we rarely take time to notice and praise our good sides. That’s why most people grow up just feeling less valuable and always compare to others who seem to be better than us, and that’s simply not realistic. Don’t know what caused you to feel this way – but we could explore together if you’re willing. I can help, but I am very limited in this format – it works much better if we actually talk and I can ask you relevant questions to be able to feed you back my assessment. If you’d like that, do contact me on email and we’ll set up a consultation.
Yes, I would like to talk it over with you. i have wanted to talk with someone to help me get beyond the hardships on my life.
Sure – I’ll contact you on email and we’ll take it from there.
Thank you so much for your writing. It really helped me. 🙂 I went through a breakup about a month ago and it’s been hard. He felt that something was missing and felt that it was best to end it. To be fair, for the longest time, I thought something was missing too – but then I looked inside myself and realized what I thought was missing between us was actually within me. Then I fell in love…but it was too late. He had decided/realized that the “spark” was never going to come for us after a year of dating. I don’t blame him for thinking that, but it does make me sad because I fell so deeply in love with him. However, he wants to remain friends and spend time with each other, but I just don’t know if I can do that as friends because I want more. We are both about 23 and this is his first relationship, so I think he also has some growing to do.
I have dated before and have also been in love before. He is my second love. While I’m fortunate to have had the chance to be with these people, it’s making it harder and harder for me to have faith that someone will come along that will treat me well and STAY. My most recent ex was my best friend and we did everything together…he even said that everything else in our relationship was perfect, just missing that spark or connection. I’m trying hard not to hold on to the hope that he will come around, but I’m also trying not to lose faith that I will find someone who I can spend my life with.
I know I’m young, and chances are, yes, I will find someone again who will make me forget the heartache. That’s not my point though. Do you have any advice for someone who is becoming scared of dating? I see so many relationships that have issues and it has me worried. Also, any advice on staying friends with the ex? I know he truly wants me to remain in his life (even said that any future girl he is with has to be okay with me being his friend, which of course I told him she has every right not to be), but I’m just scared it will keep me from moving on.
Thank you so much. You have been so helpful to others and me!
There is no guarantee that a relationship will last for the rest of your life. Most don’t – we break up, divorce, grow apart, get fed up – and even those who stay together sometimes stay just for the sake of not being alone. Or because of kids. So being realistic about life is actually being prepared for the fact that most relationships will end before one of you dies. And there is honestly nothing wrong with that, we can be on our own, and be happy. And we can always find someone else who will be as good or better match. So fearing the end of a relationship before it’s even started, or while it’s going on is a very irrational fear. You will not help your chances to find a long lasting love if you fear your relationships might fall apart. Actually that fear might make it harder for you to find someone who will stay. Life has a way of materialising our biggest fears until we get over them. So please try to let go of the fear, because it’s not making sense one way or the other.
The best thing you can do to make your relationships stronger, healthier and happy is to get to know and love yourself first. When we resolve our insecurities and hangups, we become happier individuals, we can live with compassion, love and integrity every day – and that makes our relationships strong and happy. Because when you are in a good place, you will attract and fall in love with people who are like that as well. There will be no drama, emotional immaturity and unexplained breakups. There will always be issues (there is no relationship without them), but they will be smaller, and you will resolve them as grown ups, by communicating, respecting each other, and with love. And even if you decide to go your separate ways – which can always happen, the decision will be for the best of both of you. Because when you love someone, you want them to be happy. If they are not – you don’t want to hold them back. And you know that you can’t be happy either with an unhappy partner by your side. It’s always mutual, so there are no regrets.
I would suggest you look at my ‘7 Steps To Love’ course – it can help you get answers to a lot of those questions, as well as get you to a place where you don’t fear love or dating. Take care!
I know this is an older article but I just found it during a google search and I find it very relatable. I’ve been feeling this way for sometime, that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to find someone and I’m in need of some help//advice. I’m 27 and I spent my teen years and most of my twenties being too shy, insecure and not confident enough to date. I’ve always struggled with my weight and being heavier than my friends and not noticed by guys. I have never had a boyfriend and only starting dating this past year. Prior to that, I know that it was my own attitude, shyness and insecurities that kept me from ever meeting anyone. To be completely honest, although I’m comfortable with my body most of the time (I have no health problems and I feel good) I still sometimes worry that it will keep me from finding someone in a world where looks seem to be all that matter to many men, especially men still around my age. I know advice would be that’s not the kind of man you’d want to be with anyway (which is true, if I have kids he needs to accept me after my body has changed drastically), but it’s still discouraging to know how much smaller the dating pool is because of that one single factor. Let’s be honest, although I do try to eat healthy foods and exercise occasionally, I still enjoy a really good pasta dinner or a burger once in awhile. I will never be a thin girl since I would also rather spend my time and money with friends and family than at the gym everyday so I know I’ll never be smaller than a size 14. I only started trying to date (online) last year and it hasn’t gone very well so far. I can’t seem to get past the 3 date mark with anyone I’m interested in and it’s increasingly frustrating. I want to have a family and a loving partner I can share a life with and I feel so far away from being able to attain that. Thanks in part to body positivity movements and doing some work to try and build my self-esteem and confidence, I’ve really started to feel better about myself and I’ve began to start ignoring that voice that used to constantly tell me I’d never be good enough for someone because of my weight and my lack of experience. But when I start to feel great about myself and my life and decide to try dating again, something always seems to go wrong. For context, by go wrong I mean that either I’m not interested or I can tell they’re just looking for a hookup, not a relationship or I am interested and it just doesn’t work out. To clarify I’ll give you examples of the last 2 times I was interested and it seemed reciprocated but things “went wrong”: In one case, the guy decided to be exclusive with someone else he started seeing before me (Let me just say here that this is the reason I hate casual/online dating culture. I prefer to get to know people one at a time rather than compare them to each other like an endless supply of options). In the other case, things were going very well but he had to move out of town for work. So overall, not that I was being rejected for any particular reason, I realize it was just untimely circumstances but I can’t help feeling like somehow the universe just doesn’t want this to happen for me and I begin to slide back towards that place of sadness and insecurity and I’m not sure how to stop it. It really worries me also that I have little dating and no relationship experience this late in the game. I feel like to many people, that may seem like a red flag. I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to give up but I just don’t know how long I can keep putting myself out there and have nothing happen. I constantly worry that I’ll never be able to know what it feels like to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me.
Hello there. Your thoughts and feelings do influence your experience – which means, if you believe you’re not good enough, then life will constantly send you proof of that. In a form of unavailable, inadequate, uninterested or uninteresting men. I am glad you started to change your feelings about yourself and your body, and trust me as you change, you will meet better and more suitable men. Don’t worry about a smaller dating pool – you only need ONE GUY. Not thousands, not hundreds. Ask people who are very attractive – they too have problems finding that one. The key is to understand that the guy who will love you for you, is out there. And you will find nim faster if you believe you are worthy of love. You are on a good path – just keep going, learning about yourself, building your confidence and don’t worry about where you’ll find guys. Do things that feel like fun. If you don’t feel like finding dates online, go out more. Find places and events that suit your personality and interests. You will meet him at a random place any way, when you are trying the least. That’s how it usually goes 🙂 But it’s good to be trying and doing something about it. That’s how we show the universe we are serious about our search. If you want more help, I can help you get to a better place. Let me know if you’d be interested in talking about it over a consultation. Please just contact me via email or Contact/Work with me page.
I’m 32 years old. I’ve been trying to find a soulmate for a decade. I have never been in a relationship. The only guy that are attractive to me are creepy men. I’ve just got back to dating nearly a year ago. I did online dating. And I met this one guy. I thought that we mesh well. However, he thought otherwise and decided to end it there.Then it would take me a couple of months to find another man. We did schedule a date, but we cancelled due to circumstances. Just when the timing was right, he said that he was no longer interested in me. And it was two days before Christmas. I would cry for days and days. I felt that it was my last chance, because no guy would approach me. I’m plus sized and I’ve seen plus size girls have better luck than me. This year, a lot of my Facebook friends are engaged. I am happy for them, but at the same time. I wonder why me. Why hasn’t it happen to me? Why hasn’t God bless me with a man? Am I not good enough for someone? Sometimes, I would get depressed and cry, and I would get an headache. It makes me want to lose faith and stop believing in God. I’ve prayed for a man to come into my life, but I feel that my prayer has fallen on deaf ears. I’m not mad at God, I’m just disappointed.
I want to get married and have children, but I feel that the ship has sailed when it comes to have children. I heard that the chances decrease after age 35. One of my family members had a child after 40. But every woman’s body is different.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe getting married and having children just wasn’t meant to be for me. I might as well give up now.
Hi there! I think the main reason you don’t attract men (or just attract creepy ones) is your lack of confidence. I am sure years of rejection have attributed to it, but you probably started with a negative image of yourself when you first started looking for love and then your initial lack of success only reinforced that. It’s a vicious circle and it’s hard to get out of it if you don’t know where to start. You saw yourself as less attractive, less valuable, not enough – and I know it’s hard not to feel that way in a world with such narrow and unforgiving beauty standards, but that’s a challenge many people have to overcome. Most of us are not shaped according to current beauty standards. To change your experiences with men, you will first have to change how you see and value yourself. As you say – other plus size girls have better luck. It’s not luck, it’s because they don’t think their size determines their attractiveness and value. They know there are men who look for substance, not just form. You too can learn to feel that way. Even if you were the most beautiful girl in the world, but insecure about your other qualities – you’d be meeting men who’d treat you badly, leave you, reject you, or they’d want you just for sex and nothing else. You’d probably feel even worse because you wouldn’t be able to blame your bad results on your looks. How we feel about ourselves is what attracts people to or drives them away from us. So you need to start changing that – and your luck in love will change accordingly. Let me know if you’d like to talk about this, I can help.
I’m young – 23. I had one relationship in my entire life, which took around.. 6 months at it’s best. Never really tried sex either.
I do a lot of things in my life: being a huge sports enthusiast, most of my time I spend skydiving, paragliding, camping, hiking etc. I also work in the military. While it looks like I’m hanging aroud lots of people – it’s true. But never they are real friends, and especially not the people to date someone.
The thing is, I am always alone. All the time. I got used to it, but it bothers me a lot when I’m left with no activity. I have had a bunch of friends in school, but they are all gone. I don’t party, don’t hang out with people anymore. Some time ago, I got fed up with them, because I had no common interests, frankly. Now, I long for some companionship, but I cannot get into one. I just don’t fit, even though I’m rather well educated, witty, a bit sarcastic, but hey – I’m still young.
I’d just like someone close, but apparently it’s just not comming. Any advice? Thank you
I’d say just look for like-minded people elsewhere. School is usually a lottery when it comes to people we like and can click with, but there is always people out there you can connect to. What do you like to do, enjoy, what kind of hobbies, interests, passions you have? What do you value, or believe in life? Just look for people who have similar mindsets. Usually you can find them at places or activites you enjoy. You don’t have to be a party animal to find your “crowd”. Why not connect with people who enjoy the same things as you do – it will be much easier to find friends, and girlfriends as well.
Hi and unlike most here I am a male, I’m 18 and I’ve never had a girlfriend and it’s beginning to feel like that’s never going to change it never really bothered me in my latter years of school however now I’ve started working and everybody work are talking about their “mrs” I’m beginning to wonder…
Seems like the younger my readers, the more convinced they are they’ll never find love. What makes you think it will never change? Many kids your age haven’t been in a relationship yet. Stats say that around 40% haven’t had sex at 18 so my guess is they probably haven’t had a relationship either. If you are working with people much older than you it’s likely they’ll be married. But you have plenty of time to catch up! At least 10-15 years before it becomes strange in any form or shape. So please don’t worry about it, and if you want to find a girlfriend – do something about it, it won’t just “happen”.
Hello Petra… I don’t know if you’re even still active on this thread… But recently my girlfriend… My true love… Of 6 years broke up with me. We had a lot of problems, and I saw it coming… But I feel like I’ll never find anyone else… I was with her since sophomore year of high school. We broke up twice before this, for about 5 months each time. I’ve never had another girlfriend and have only been intimate with her and 3 other people. (all 3 during the times we broke up, and 2 of them weren’t attractive to me whatsoever…)
I have no self esteem and feel like i can’t talk to women. I’m positive no woman could ever like me. All of these things are the main reason i stayed witb my ex. I felt and feel like she was the only chance I had and now I’m alone forever…
I don’t know what to do. I’ve made memberships to basically all of the dating websites but those only solidified my belief that I’m an “untouchable” as far as dating and love are concerned.
You need to change those beliefs. Wherever they are coming from (not from your experience, because you did attract some girls) they need to go. I know you think how you feel is reality – but it isn’t, it’s just thoughts in your head, that are not true. They are your impression of reality. The way to change your experience is to change that impression first. Watch the video (under Freebies) – it will help you understand the power of beliefs and give you some tips on how to change them. Take care!
Loneliness is a very serious thing for many of us that are still single as i speak, especially for us good men looking for a good woman to settle down with. And even God said that man should never be alone which i certainly very much agree.
Hello, I just found your blog and it’s great!
Well, I’m 21 years old and never had any relationship and never had a date. I do think it’s of because my overprotective parents. As a young teenage they never allowed me to party and etc. My first night out was at the age of 20. I kissed a few guys in the school as a young girl but none were interested on me in more than a ”kiss way” I suppose. I know I’m picky but I don’t know why I never had found a guy who would like to be my boyfriend alreajy i’m smart ( high IQ level ), I’m not ugly -at all- …do you think, dear Petra that it is normal?
Thank you – I am glad you like my blog! It is very normal to be single at your age and still figuring out what you want in the love department. It’s good to be aware of your criteria and demands, and as long as you can reciprocate, you can ask for all of it. You need dating experience to find out what you like and don’t like, so if you are able to go out now, do it – socialise, date, talk to guys – that is all good practice and it will help you get clarity and explore your emotions. And the more you mingle, the higher the chances you’ll find someone special.
I stumbled on this ad, I had been looking at similar “advice” columns for a while now, some made good sense, others none at all, that’s where I’ve kinda gotten lost, along with actually being single, I find it hard to find people who will give you CREDIBLE advice for dealing with your situation. Parents, friends etc will tell you “you’ll find her” or “just be yourself”, which don’t help much at the time, but I truly smiled after reading your words and I believe it. Maybe a little backstory would help..
I’ve been single for 10 years now. Yes, 10. Granted some of those were getting over a past relationship and as you say, life happened along the way, but I thought in doing things like school and events that I would meet people. They came in and out of my life so often that I felt even worse than I did before. I went from just being upset about being single so long, to downright miserable and pessimistic, no matter what I’ve tried, it hasn’t worked. Online dating, joining teams and groups, but I still cant find anyone who’s willing to give me a chance, if anything I found more couples than single people. I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to give up hope, but I’m deeply romantic and I want to believe she’s out there. I’d rather settle for “the one” than just randomly date to fill the void, but it’s hard sometimes when you want to do things but you don’t have anyone to do them with. I’ve lived at home since returning from college, don’t have any real friends to speak of, and the only ones there to listen are my parents, which is all well and good, but again, sometimes their advice can be somewhat mundane. I am trying to get more comfortable with things in hopes that one day it will happen, I feel I’ve made some progress confidence wise, but I’m shy and find it hard to talk to people, especially women. I’m not one of those guys that can easily walk up to a girl and flirt with her. I want nothing more than to have that great relationship, and I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of life experience. Getting rejected quite a few times in the last few years didn’t help much either. I don’t really know what to do or say to seem “interesting”, and “being myself” seems to be the only thing I can count on, whether its working or not. I had a goal of being married by a certain age, and I dreamed about what it would be like, so to consistently fail is wearing me down quite a bit.
Again I appreciate your advice and sentiments, any other tips you can give me for coping better would be appreciated as well, or anyone else who’s in a similar situation. I’ve been steered wrong by so many so called “relationship experts” that its great to find someone who I trust knows what they’re talking about. I might even sign up for some coaching.
I’ll send you an email.
I will be 33 in a few weeks, and I have never been in a relationship, ever. I have started to take it as a compliment when I tell new people that and they go, “Really?! How?” I have even gotten into a few agreements over the past few years with family members when I say I’m the only one that has never brought someone home for the family to meet, and they swear I have. (Why would anyone lie about that?) I truly don’t think I will ever be in love. I come from a long line of women who never found their soulmate. (My Mother, My Grandmother, My Great Great Grandmother.) I get to keep the tradition alive, but the big difference with me is that at least they had a chance to have a family. So if anything good comes out, it will end with me.
I actually do think I am attractive, smart, funny. I know this about myself, and men have told it to me. Getting them to think that longer than two weeks is the problem. That is about the average length. I could tell you some fascinating dating/men meet ups. I do try. Lord knows I do. I introduce my girlfriend to the dating site I have been using for the past 3 years. She is now married and expecting. I am sure I could have someone in my life if I just said, “Screw it, you will do,” but I would never love them. I am trying to not lose hope, but I really don’t have anything to contradict my belief.
A couple of years ago, I was waiting in a lobby of a theatre to see a play by myself. Going to things alone is very common for me, because I learned I had two choices. Sit a home when I couldn’t find anyone to go with to places or just go. She was much older and was doing the something I was. She told me how she was a retired international school teacher. She traveled all over the world and loved it. She told me she never got married or had children, but she really didn’t have any regrets. It was until the theatre doors opened that we realized we were seated next to each other. It was at that point I was like, ok God is this your little sign to tell me, “Hey you may never find love, but your life will be alright.”
It’s great to have that positive outlook – and honestly, the best approach to life is to make the most of what we have. I would love to talk to you if you are open to exploring why love hasn’t happened so far. Let me know on email. Take care!
I’m 18, and I have yet to go on a date with any guy or have a boyfriend. Before finishing my first year of college, I never had these thoughts. However, they arose when my friends started going to clubs and hooking up with people or going on dates. I am not the type to go to clubs, and at the moment prefer not to hook up. I try to tell myself that I won’t be single my entire life, but it is difficult when not only my friends, but my cousins in high school are in relationships as well. I’m not looking for “the one,” but it really seems nice to have the feeling of being with someone whenever my friends talk about it around me. I don’t want to seem like a Debbie downer, so I just keep quiet while they discuss about it. I’m glad I don’t have these thoughts a lot, but they occur every so often when something reminds me of it. Any tips to stop these late night thoughts? Thanks!
What you’re worried about it that you’re missing out on something that could be a great experience for you and – that you are not fitting in with your age/friend group. It seems you’re not so keen to find someone, maybe you are not ready yet – and that’s completely fine. The fact that everyone seems to be ahead of you doesn’t mean that they will be in happy relationships for the rest of their life, and you will be alone. It is no prediction for the rest of your lives. Some people date all the time but are constantly in unhappy relationships. Some find their first partner at 25 or later and stay committed and happy for the rest of their life. There are no rules and no right and wrong here. Doing things just because ‘everyone else is doing it’ isn’t a recipe for happiness either, quite the opposite. If you feel you don’t want to do it yet, don’t do it. Trust your feelings – if something doesn’t feel like the right thing for you, it most likely isn’t. Should you feel bad because you’re the only one who doesn’t have a partner? No, it’s your choice and your right to do whatever you want with your life. But if people judge or criticise you because of your choices – they are probably not your friends. Real friends will approve and support you, understand and emphatise, help and encourage you to be yourself. To stop having those self doubting thoughts – decide what’s more important: that you do what you feel like doing, or that you please other people’s expectations and fit in? Whichever makes you most happy, do it. Make peace with your decision. If you don’t feel like dating now – understand it’s your decision, and something you are happy about now. Nobody has a right to say what’s right or wrong for you. Long term – you’ll see that fitting in for the sake of other people’s approval and acceptance will usually leave you empty and frustrated if it’s not aligned with your personal desires. On the other hand, if you do want to try dating, then go for it. Making an effort is crucial to getting what we want in life. You don’t have to go to clubs, there are other places you can meet guys. Maybe get help from your friends or close family members – ask them for advice and help. We all started with a zero, and our first dating attempts are always clumsy and insecure. So don’t be afraid to try, just go for it and see what happens. Experience is always good and helps us to overcome our fears and shyness. Even if you just talk to some boy and try to get to know him better – that is a great start to understand what you like and don’t like about boys, and it will help you recognise a good match, connect and build a good relationship when you meet someone you like.
So stumbled across this site and its quite amazing that the responses are still going after 2 years!.
Today I was thinking the same, will I meet someone again? (hence how I ended up here)
My partner decided to split up in February this year. Admittedly I did feel something was going astray beforehand (a couple of months before) so kind of prepared myself for it so when it did happen it wasnt too much a blow.
The relationship only lasted 7 months and came about as we both played the same sport, but before it I was single for about 4 years. I went on dates within that time but nothing ever came of it.
But now I’m 33, single again and at times just think where is life heading.
I do my own things etc but sometimes it is nice to be able to share these things.
if all else fails you can only be yourself.
That is very true! But to be yourself, you have to love (most of) yourself. If you think you’re unloveable, or unattractive in any way – your experience will only confirm that.
I know it can be frustrating and lonely… hope you find consolation and help in my posts. I do believe we can all find love, at any age, no matter how we look on the outside. It’s what’s inside that counts. And most of us go out and about with feelings and beliefs that do us no good – that’s why we have so much trouble finding love. Love comes when you’re ready, not when you want it or need it. If you’d like to talk and see what might be stopping you from finding your match, do get in touch!
I went accross your article and wanted to have your advice. I am 25 and have never really been in a relationship as I always pull away at the last time.
Because of this and other things I have been to therapy and understood I had some blockages. I do feel some improvement but I am still very worried I will stay blocked forever. I see a little change in my way of being with men but not enough to be feeling very confident things will change for me. This makes me quite anxious and defeated!!
Could you maybe give me some advice? Thanks!!:)
Your blocks and fears formed when you were a child or young adult – as a result of some painful experiences. You probably don’t know when and why that happened, but they will not go away by themselves. You will have to reach inside and bring them out in the open, to understand what happened and change how you feel. Do you feel therapy is helping you? If yes, hold on to it – results wil come. If not, maybe it’s time to look for help elsewhere. I can’t tell you anything concrete without more information, we’d have to talk more about your situation and feelings. If you’d like that, do contact me for a consultation via Contact / Work with me pages. Take care.
I’m 16 and I’m worried that I’ll never find “the one”. I know I’m young but i can’t help but think I’m going to be alone. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend, and guys just don’t seem to notice or take any interest in me? I could just be overthinking but i’m worried that it will be this way for the rest of my life. i really don’t want to go through high school being the girl who’s never had a serious relationship or has done anything with a boy. Any advice?
You are overthinking! I know that’s not a consolation right now, but please hear this: you are just entering the world of adult feelings – the way you feel and think will change so much in the next 5 to 10 years, you honestly have no idea what will happen and how it will go. Please don’t worry about the rest of your life, there is years and years and years and years of it. You haven’t had a serious relationship – at 16 that’s hardly possible. Who had a serious relationship in your age group? There are no serious relationships at that age because you are still kids. At 18 you will still be all kids. Don’t worry, real adult life and adult relationships are still years ahead of you. Hang on, you will get there. Trust me. If you want to do something that will help you feel happy and loved, start with getting to know and love yourself – that’s the fastest and most efficient way to happy relationships with others. Fears, insecurities, low confidence – you can learn to overcome them and the earlier you start, the happier the rest of your life will be. Take care!
I’m 28 and have never been in a relationship or on a date. I don’t think I’m unattractive, but suffer from self-esteem issues because it bothers me that I can’t seem to attract the attention of a man (with the exception of those elderly men who flirt with all the ladies.) These past 3 years, I have become depressed but usually only in private. Gotta keep that happy mask on, you know? Within those 3 years, 2 of my family members have gotten married and another is getting married next month. I’m the last one. Everywhere I look, someone’s either engaged, getting married, or pregnant. It’s all I can do not to burst into tears thinking about it. I’ve unfollowed most of my friends on FB because I literally cannot stand to see their posts about their significant other. I suppose it’s rooted in jealousy, but also self-preservation. Why make myself read those things if it’s going to bring my mood down? I really am happy for them, but I can’t help but wonder when it’s MY turn. I see people of all kinds finding love, and that’s what I want. No one really wants to be alone….and it’s hard to think things will change if they’ve been this way for so many years. I’m not the most social person, but I’ve been making myself “get out there” more, but there seems to be a shortage of eligible men…they’re either under 18, married, or 50 and above. I’m not really picky…I just want that to be able to sing Etta James’ song “At Last” because it really HAS happened AT LAST. Well, I feel better getting this off of my chest. Easier to talk to strangers than family, sometimes.
It’s hard not to compare with others, but ultimately we don’t know what their lives are like, and how happy or unhappy they truly are. Having a romantic relationship, getting married, having kids – our society considers those events as life achievements/successes, but the only real success is how we feel inside. So please don’t feel bad when you look at others, their lives might look great from the outside, but they might be in a much worse place than you are. I know that can only help you so much, and I know you want more – you want to know why it hasn’t happened for you yet, and you want to find a way to make it happen. I can help you with that, but I would need to talk to you first. If you’d like that, do contact me (via email or Contact / Work with me pages) and we’ll have a consultation. It will give you clarity about what to do next, whether you want to take that next step with me or on your own.
The problem with this subjective article is it says nothing about age (I am now over 40 and I have been single the longest I have been since I was 16). Major losses emotional damage due to divorce, miscarriage, foreclosure, layoffs, etc affect people at a very deep level. How the hell does someone who lost everything in the great recession find a decent guy who is able to deal with their emotional scars? How does one of this age find an age appropriate guy who is attractive and will stay in for the long haul? Seriously, do not tell me that people who are married to a decent guy with a decent child are not happier than me. I see families smile and laugh while walking down the street a hell of a lot more than I do. It feels like misery to be alone, an orphan, no family, no solid home at this age. So I can assure you, those ‘others’ are indeed happier than me. I am not happy at all. I have worked non-stop since teenage years, gone to university, grad school, etc., and have NOTHING to show for it. That is the epitome of failure.
I agree with you that this article alone cannot help solve people’s deep or even easy issues. What it does is offer a different perspective – and that’s exactly its aim, to get people to think about their lives from a different angle, and start looking for solutions rather than obstacles. I am sure your situation isn’t easy, and I would never attempt to solve it with one article.
Here’s why I believe I’ll be single forever: I’ve dated 36 girls in 12 months. All of them were boring, all of them were uninteresting and a lot of them were crazy. (Seriously 5 of them were previously in psychiatric wards) I dated people from all ethnicities and walks of life and I just thought every single one of them was boring. I don’t have emotions or feelings for any of them. I dated models (Miss Arizona 2015), moms, business women and college students. Didn’t make a dent in my feelings. I’ve dated 3 girls for 2 and a half years a piece. Every girl I’ve ever had dinner with has either given up on me or asked me to be friends with them. I’ve never broken up or given up on a single female in all my years. Because I don’t give up on people because I’m not a horrible person. I find value in everyone no matter how boring they are.
Maybe the problem is with you, not with them. Do you force yourself to date boring people or you find everyone boring? Either way, you’re going for it the wrong way. Either just dating anyone without any criteria (36 in 12 months is a lot of girlfriends) or you have no clue what you’re looking for, and what love is. Just look at your experiences and see what they can tell you about you, that’s where you’ll start finding the real answers.
The problem clearly is with me. Its the common denominator in all the relationships I have. I also dated 36 of them as in going on dates not necessarily girlfriends. Yes everyone is boring because I had a 2 and a half year relationship with the one a while back. She broke up with me without a reason or explanation given. I do force myself to date boring people because everyone is boring and I use dating as a form of entertainment at that point hoping I’ll meet someone who isn’t boring. Looking at my experiences I’d say that I’ve always been right about relationships from the beginning. I know when I’m going to date someone and I know when its going to end. I didn’t know why the last one ended but I knew it would end. I had two other relationships that lasted 2 and a half years each so I knew around the 2 and a half year mark with the most recent one that it was gonna go straight out the window. The closest I’ve had to a connection in the last year was with a girl named well we’ll call her Veronica. Veronica and I hit it off incredibly. She was so boring but I was ok with it. She kissed great and we enjoyed having good conversations, and 3 weeks over she rolled over in bed at 2am and told me she had herpes. I told her the door was in the same place as when she came in. Its also discouraging to spend time and money on girls and have them be terrible in bed. I’m not about to unleash my inner elementary school teacher and teach them how to have sex. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Everyone bores you, even when they you have good conversations, and you have no time for ‘teaching’ others – you sound like you have a superiority complex. Which is a shield to protect you from getting hurt. Because if you convince yourself you’re better than everyone else, you can keep a safe distance. You are always right. Everyone’s an idiot wasting your time. Other people’s flaws and failures are just proof how great you are. Nobody can touch you there on your little throne. It won’t be possible for you to experience true love until you start to care – first about yourself, for real, not faking it: get out of that shell, heal the wounds that make you put up walls. Then about others – once you give yourself the love you need, you will be able to connect and feel something real for others too.
First off why are you assuming I have a superiority complex? Maybe I actually am better than other people??? Second, my throne isn’t little. I tend to let people know I’m better than them without telling them I’m better than them. There’s a difference between thinking you’re better than someone and knowing it. As for healing the wounds that make me put up walls, well I’m not a Zebra fish I cant create cells on command to heal myself. It’s easier said than done. It’s just hard for me to trust people. I trusted a girl more than anyone on the planet and would have died for her… several times over and she walked out of my life like it was nothing, and it was nothing to her. That’s not an incentive to trust lesser people that’s a deterrent. There’s a saying, “You can be rich or you can be happy.” Unfortunately I’m not happy but at least I got the other part of that sentence going for me.
Maybe you are actually better than other people… I wouldn’t know. I don’t think there are better and worse people. We are all just trying our best to be happy and make some sense of our challenging lives. Most people on the planet, rich or poor, boring or fun, are at this very moment still very unhappy. Feeling superior is a good excuse – you can always say people are too stupid, or boring – that way you can feel good about yourself when you decide not to make an effort to open up, get close and really connect. You’ve been hurt, as all of us have. Life hurts. Think about how many people you’ve hurt so far by being arrogant, judgmental and self-absorbed.
This made me feel a whole lot better…. Thanks ^_^
Hi Petra! I like the positive message in your blog ?
I’m a 35 year old British Pakistani male, born, raised and live in London. I’ve been single for 11 years, my last girlfriend I was with at university. As you say, so much has happened in the past ten years. To be fair to myself, I’ve really only been active in the dating scene for the past two and a half years, but without any success. Thankfully, I’m really happy with my own life these days – i live independently with my own place, have amazing friends, and live an active life and pursue lots of interests, hobbies and activities, and socialise. I have met lots of single ladies, but none have shown any interest in me. My friends always tell me I am good looking, funny, lively, and when I’m walking down the road I very often get a lot of looks from women. But despite my efforts talking, flirting and getting to know women, I always get rejected. I’ve tried online dating for years, no luck. I feel like I’ve tried everything, but getting nowhere. i don’t want to get an arranged marriage because my parents was a horrible marriages, they divorced when I was 13, and severely affected me emotionally for most of my life. I can’t help but feel like I will be single forever. What should I do?
Hi thanks for the heads up. I don’t know what might be the issue – if you are open to talking about it, it will give me a much better idea, and can give you a good answer. Just send me a request for a consultation via Contact / Work with me pages and we’ll take it from there.
I appreciate all these nice thoughts but that does not work for everybody.
Here I sit, poor and waiting on a disability case I will probably lose. I was abused as a kid and everybody hated me.
I have had like 4 ltrs in my earlier years (I am 37 now) and ditched my old friends cause they were toxic but now even if I try to reach out to ppl as friends to do something they just don’t want to.
So no money, living back with abusive parent, no car, no life, according to Reddit’s Am I Ugly I can either spend tons of cash I don’t have to work my way up to a ‘five’ or according to one poster I should just put a bag over my head.
I have helped ppl my whole life, went through hell and back and am still here. Fact is for some of us the cards are stacked against us and nothing will ever change no matter how we try.
Yet you see fat ugly men with wives and my old friends who cheated on their GFs are not alone, they have wives and friends and family and I have none of that.
For some of us, there will only be loneliness and I fall into that category for sure.
And there is no such as psych help without money because on state insurance you wait and wait and wait..meanwhile that Doctor sleeps at home with his wife in his big house and here I am crying for help.
Its nice and all you guys try to help but for some of us there is just nothing…thing is it is the society we live in that places so much emphasis on looks and material goods.
I’m not a misogynistic ‘nice guy’ but there is some truth (sure the same can be said about some aspect of men) to the statements that women say they want these nice, loving and respectful men but then they usually want nothing to do with the men who are actually like that.
Not every woman is looking for the same thing. That’s why ugly fat guys can have girlfriends too, and the ones who cheat. You rely way too much on what ‘people’ think, that’s what making you miserable – you are trying to fit into some ‘standards’ which you never will, and you don’t have to. You will never find happiness by fitting in with the ‘popular’ crowd. And you know what, the popular crowd isn’t happy either. People who learn to love and appreciate their uniqueness and find love inside, and outside – just the way they are, have the best chance to feel loved and connected. It’s easy to blame everyone else for your own misery, but that doesn’t help you solve the problem. Real change can only come from inside. Maybe you think you’re a nice guy, but you resent or even hate yourself for so many other things (your looks, your disability…). That needs to change, otherwise you’ll always look for confirmation of your value from others, and you’ll always struggle between the desire to be you – and the one to be liked. But if you like yourself, you will automatically be liked by others, and exactly the ones that matter too.
Well i would certainly say with much more women today that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled and very greedy, really speaks for itself. Doesn’t It?
Some women are, some are not. Just as some men are selfish, emotionally unavailable, players, etc. Thinking this way – you will only attract exactly those women you don’t want to attract.
I was single for 10 years after breaking up with my only GF in my mid-20s. I figured she should find a guy who would give her kids, because I just did not want them at that age. Went out on about 10-15 dates during that solo decade. It is not easy to find dates. Apart from one woman I met when I was 30 (who lived in the apartment next door) I never could get a 2nd date. Never got a 2nd date. It was very lonely. I finally threw in the towel and reconnected with my GF and married and now we have a kid and we’ve been married 8 years. I think you shouldn’t tell people they’ll only be alone for a couple years tops. There is a very real possibility they will be alone the rest of their lives.
I am 37. I have been single my entire life. The longest i dated anyone was 3 months. Thats exagerating a bit. Ive dated..about 3 people and gone on single dates with others. Saying that the longest you’ll be single for at one time is 2-3 years and it can seem like forever, makes me feel a bigger freak than what i already feel like. How long have you been single? Um…1,2,3…um yep my whole life.
I know this article doesn’t speak to all people – but it is meant to make you feel better not worse. Apologies for that. No you are not a freak! If you would like to talk to me and see why it hasn’t worked for you, do get in touch. I can help you understand what’s going on and what you can do about it.
sorry, to say, but its all ridiculous, you Petra are so subjective, I am 58 and have been seeking love since I was 18!! you know what? I could not find it, It never happened although I never gave up but last year when my only chance didn’t work out. good luck and don’t be illusional
I am subjective, but so are you 🙂 Whose subjectivity is more true: well, both! The way you see the world shapes your experiences.
how come the way I saw the world, being pessimistic and not giving up, “shaped my experiences” not finding my love? maybe i was a bit intense but Petra, believe me, you look at the handsome, reach, funny, smart,….LUCKY boy out there and judge the issue and claim: SEE it will work, I don’t say it doesn’t but there is no guarantee in life to give you anything!maybe you are right, people like me are exception. but I don’t want other young people see a bright future for themselves by walking around and Think they are insured to find the other half. even most of the people give up and just marry some random girl just because they gave up finding their soul mate.
Nobody is insured. But “handsome, rich, smart and lucky” is not what it takes to find your soulmate. If you’d like me to explain get in touch and we’ll talk. I responded to your other comment privately.
Thank you for sharing the great blog. I am sorry that my English is far from perfect. It is my third language.
I am 38 years old. I fell in love several times in my life, but basically I have a ‘real’ relationship only twice. I almost got married with my first boyfriend, but it failed. I just didn’t feel right when he asked me to get married. It was also a long distance relationship for about two years; he is four years younger than me. I felt like he often behave like a child when he got disappointed about something or he often disappeared when we have some frictions. We finally broke up, as he was fed up with the fact that I was not ready for a marriage at that time. I didn’t know why but I could accept the break-up better than I thought before. Before the break-up I had been really afraid that I could not handle my emotion after losing him and afraid I could not find a new person.
A year after, I fell in love with the man with whom I developed my second relationship. But, unfortunately, it was a backstreet relationship as he is actually married. This is getting more complicated as I feel much more compatible with him in many ways. I feel that I can become myself when I am with him. But, remembering that he is married also makes me guilty. I tried to go away from him by going abroad for a couple of years. But, it didn’t solve the problem. Initially I tried to commit to end the relationship, but I kept calling it back.
While I am trying to end the second relationship, I got a friend online, to whom I feel comfortable to talk to. Slowly I feel attracted to him. I also told my second boyfriend that actually I have been close with a person. He could accept it. We did not really break up, as I found that it is only to him I can share my feeling, even when I started to fall for the new friend. After I tried hard to make up my own mind, I found out that the new friend does not consider that he can fall in love with me. He just said that he liked me but he knew he could not fall in love with me. I didn’t ask why.I feel a bit devastated. If I can choose, I would rather stay with my second boyfriend. But, I want to respect his wife and marriage too. This situation makes me feel so unwanted, and started to be afraid that I would be alone forever. I feel like I always fall in love with a wrong person.
You need to emotionally break away from your married partner to find someone who will be serious about you and you about him. Your heart is taken now and no real contenders will appear until you close that door. He might be a great guy but he is not available to be a great guy with you – you have to accept that and move on. There will be other guys, as good or even better than him – he isn’t the only one that can make you happy. This way you are wasting time and missing real opportunities to find love. Think about this: if this man divorced and you got together, would you ever trust him completely? Because he might do the same thing to you when things get tough in your marriage. And they will, because relationships are challenging – and the way to deal with problems in your marriage is to face them and solve them, or divorce – not run and hide by finding consolation in a third person. Just put yourself in his wife’s shoes and you’ll see he is not your ideal man.
My name is David, I’m 33, I don’t have a job, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and I live with my parents and my brother (who is turning 30 on January, looking for job and, like me, with no girlfriend). Both of us have college degreees, but he has been unable to find a job despite the fact that he has been seriously looking for one (he graduated in 2007), while I abandoned college in 2005 (disillusioned both by the way my career was being handled by the study programs as well as the teachers attitude), only to retake it on 2013, finally graduating this year on July. During all those years, I took refuge in expanding my knowledge and learning about a lot of things on my own, but this left me alienated, with only small contact with people on the offline world.
Over the past month and a half, my brother depressed due to his jobless, girlfriend-less situation. My parents and I tried to cheer him up the best we could, but a week a half ago he hit “rock bottom” (to call it some way), having trouble to sleep and satying awake all night long along with my mom, talking. Now he seems to be better (although somewhat desperate for a girlfriend), but after enduring all this, my normally carefree self finally “broke” and the depression migrated to me, so to speak. By first thinking and rethinking over the fact that he doesn’t look almost 30 at all (he looks like a 21-22 year old) and that I still look at him as my little brother, and from there, these last week I began to seriously take my own age into much consideration, changing my mindset from “I’m just past 30, I still have plenty of time” to “in 7 years I’ll be 40, I completely wasted my past decade, most of my friends and schoolmates have a job, are married and live on their own, and I haven’t accomplished anything”. Indeed, now I’m the one thinking about a grim future, thinking that is way to late to start and with the recurring thought that I will be left alone at an old age, with no wife, no kids and no place of my own.
Last night we both decided to join an English academy, both to improve our conversational skills (we’re from Mexico) as well as to meet new people; classes began today. I’m also seriously considering to enroll in a theather school located on the very same building, to meet new people, keep busy, and improve my (for the moment) shattered confidence and self-esteem. I also think I must get a job ASAP. I have spent all evening talking with my family (as well as the previous two with my mom, while my dad and brother left on a short trip to visit an aunt), which felt therapeutic, and, even when the depressing thoughts keep on lingering on a corner of the mind, like vultures waiting to attack (you know), as of writing this, I feel a little better, at least for now. Writing this very text has felt liberating and strangely relaxing, too.
I would like to hear your opinions or suggestions about what I wrote as, down the gray thoughts, I really think it’s not too late (just as my former self of still some days ago used to say).
It’s never too late. Your life can change in a second. But things never change in the way we want them to until we take some action. This was a great wakeup call for you, to see how you’re wasting away your days. But what’s gone is gone. You can’t change the past. But you can do anything you want with your future. Doesn’t matter how old you are or how many years you wasted. Make the most of the rest.
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