How to stop thinking you’ll be alone forever
Forever is an incredibly long time. I think, apart from our own company – nothing in our lives really lasts forever. But when we’re looking for a partner and not succeeding, and we feel we’ve been single for way too long (Months? Years? – definition of “a long time” can be very subjective), that horrible thought almost inevitably creeps in: ‘Will I ever find someone? What if I stay alone forever?’
I could bet you right here right now for any amount – you won’t stay single forever, unless you really want to. And if you could step away from the fear, you would know, deep down – it’s very unlikely you’ll stay alone for the next 10 or 60 years of your life. Maybe a few max. Two or three. If you are actively looking, it will very rarely be much longer.
I know it’s hard to listen to the voice of reason when emotions are shouting louder. And that’s fine. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there – there were periods of my singleness which – of course – never lasted longer than those few years, but there and then they sure seemed like they will go just go on and on… forever. Desperation takes over easily when you feel you’re trying so hard and nothing is happening.
I can’t tell you when you’ll meet your next long-term partner – but I can give you a few tips to manage that fear better. I do believe it’s the anxiety of not knowing “how long” that creates most of the singleness-misery, not the actual wait itself. If you knew the exact date in the future when you’ll meet your match, you’d probably feel pretty OK about your life right now. Am I right?
But since neither of us knows that, let’s see what else we can do… while we’re waiting.
Step one – change your thoughts: do a reality check. What grounds you have to believe you will stay single? Think about your life 5 or 10 years back. All the big things that happened in that period. Were you single all the time? Most likely no. Most likely A LOT happened in your life in 2 years, let alone 10. Jobs, schools, places, friends, partners – all change. Even faster than we sometimes want them to. So if all those things happened then, why wouldn’t they happen in the next 10 years of your life? Where’s the proof that everything will stay as is? I dare you find one.
Another reality check: if you see a lot of people around you settling down, that doesn’t mean everyone but you is hooking up, you are just noticing those people more. Try looking for single people instead – in real life, in media, anywhere you can spot them. Count them against the ones who are not. Do that for at least few weeks, or until you have enough evidence that the world is not comprised only of couples. Especially not happy couples. Yes, people in couples are not necessarily happier than you either. (But that’s a whole other topic… for another post.)
Step two – change your life: put the rest of your life under control, as much as you can. That will make you feel less hopeless and helpless. If you get what you want in other areas of life, you will feel more confident you can do it in your love life as well.
Focus on doing more things you love and enjoy. If you are unhappy in your job – look for one that will make you feel better. If you want to lose some extra weight – go ahead, make a plan and lose it. If you are passionate about any sports/art/craft/music/hobby – do it. Take classes. Enjoy your time. Enjoy your life. Make your single days count.
The more you feel you are in control of your life – the happier you feel, the better you look, the more you smile, the more fun you have. More moments of genuine bliss. Less time to pity yourself for being single. And you’re not putting your life on hold while he or she arrives.
As you do that, you’ll start attracting a much more interesting bunch of people in your life. And yes, that includes potential partners too. People get drawn to your energy, liveliness, your confidence, your spark. When you feel you are in the right place, and you believe love can happen for you: the right partner will come, without a doubt.