Will I ever find someone to love?
Some time ago, I wrote this post: ‘How to stop thinking you’ll be alone forever?’ – and not only it became the most popular and most read post I’ve ever written – but it also gave me a new and very important insight: there are many people out there, not just in their early 20s, but also in their 30s and 40s – who’ve never ever been in a romantic relationship.
Now, I’m not talking about people who actually don’t desire to be in one. Believe it or not, some people are like that – and they are perfectly fine with their single status. I’m talking about the rest of us who truly want to have that special someone, and feel that is a part of life they’d rather not be without. And if you’ve never ever been in a relationship – it’s only natural to wonder why, and ask yourself: Will I ever find someone?
I bet you often hear answers like: ‘It will happen when you’re ready’ and ‘It will happen when you least expect it’. But what if you feel you ARE ready, and you can’t help but expect it ALL the time? Then those phrases start sounding so empty, and not really consoling – more like irritating and in the end, they make you feel even worse. Because they reinforce that feeling of helplessness – there is nothing you can do – except hope. And wait.
I’d like to help you. I am absolutely sure you can find love. Every single human being on this planet can. And everyone deserves to love and be loved. But I understand how hard it is to feel alone and lonely, with nothing to hold on to – how can you hope for something to happen when it’s never happened to you? So I won’t use the empty phrases. I will instead give you something you can work with, something that will change your perspective and get you moving in the right direction.
See, you are not helpless when it comes to your love life. In fact, you are very much in control. I know it might be hard to hear this – but you are the one responsible for the state of your love life. Even though odds might look like they’re stacked against you, even if you rarely get asked out and regularly get rejected when you ask someone, even though all your dates have ended in disaster – you are still the most important ingredient in the mix.
Which is actually good news! It’s damn great news. Because YOU are the one who can change things, you are the one who holds the key.
You absolutely MUST acknowledge the fact you are in control, to be able to change what’s currently happening (or not happening) to you. You have to admit it to yourself, you have to own it. You have to stop blaming others: parents, your childhood, high school misfortune, better looking friends, that one guy/girl who rejected you when you were 13, your environment, circumstances, the fact you live in a small town and there’s nobody to choose from, the fact you’re too busy to go on dates. You have to stop looking outside, and start looking inside. Because that’s where the real issue lies.
Having said that – please, please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault if you just didn’t know better. Nobody ever showed you how. But it’s fine, because you can learn it now. Also, please don’t regret you haven’t done it 5 or 10, or 20 years ago. That has nothing to do with anything. The rest of your life starts today – and thinking about the past won’t change it. It will just distract you from more important things: your present and your future. And your past doesn’t determine your future either. The fact you haven’t had a partner until today, it has absolutely no barring on whether you’ll meet one tomorrow.
You have to start thinking, feeling and doing things differently. That is the key. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start looking for new ways to go about it, things you haven’t tried yet. Definitely get rid of the mindset “nobody wants me”, and start asking yourself this: what am I doing, thinking or feeling right now that’s preventing me from finding love? If the way I’ve been doing things so far hasn’t worked, let’s see what I can do differently – to get a different result.
I know it sounds like a lot of work. And you know what, it is. But it’s the kind of work that will get you to a whole new and oh-so-much-better place. And it’s worth it.
If you don’t know where to begin and how to go about it, I can help. The ‘how’ part is very individual, so we’ll have to work on it together. If you’re up for it, you can schedule a free coaching consultation and we’ll explore the best way to move your love life in the right direction.
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