I am too picky, but I can’t change my demands

too-pickyIf you’re single and looking for true love and connection, you probably have a well thought-through list of things you want in a partner. You want them to sweep you off your feet with their looks, personality, accomplishments and charm. They have to be the real thing, because you can’t settle for anything less than that. You know you deserve to be loved, respected and valued by someone truly amazing – and you know what: there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But why does then meeting this ideal person constantly elude you? I’m sure you’ve wondered already if your demands are too high, but then again, you can’t find anything wrong with them. Besides, you can’t imagine falling for someone who doesn’t have the right qualities. Maybe you even tried it at some point and dated someone who didn’t tick all the important boxes, hoping you’ll fall for them over time, but it simply didn’t work.

So what can you do when changing your criteria is not a viable option?

The problem with checklists is they are often made without considering our own ‘package’: what is it that we have to offer in return? So if you’re certain there’s nothing wrong with your list of desired partner qualities, try making a different one: the one that lists everything you’re able, ready and willing to give. One can’t go without the other, especially not with qualities that matter the most.

Relationships are all about exchange. We exchange feelings, words, energy, gestures, good and bad vibes. How much we give and receive is key to the success of any relationship. When those two are not in balance, and one partner gives significantly more than the other, the relationship becomes unsatisfying for both.

Same principle applies to partner search. The magic happens when you find that perfect exchange: a person able to give you what you need, and receive all you can give in return. That’s where mutual attraction is at its strongest, and we get that feeling of being seen, heard and understood spontaneously. We suddenly find ourselves thinking: ‘I feel I’ve known you forever’ even though we’ve only known each other for a few days or weeks. Or even hours.

Your ideal partner wants to be dazzled too: they want to fall for someone who is equally amazing as they are. So if the list of your own qualities is missing some crucial things you want in a partner, you won’t be able to impress the type of person you want to fill the role.

So should you then settle, after all? Absolutely not. To reciprocate the emotional maturity and self-awareness you ask for, you need to work on your own list. Write down everything you think you can give to another, and compare that with your desired partner list. Once you’re aware of the things which are not there yet on your end, you can look to develop them.

You need to be completely honest with yourself: are you as tolerant and open-minded as you’d like your partner to be? Are you really that emotionally mature and stable? Ready for intimacy and closeness? Willing to be true and committed to another?

So instead of lowering your expectations, raise your profile instead. Practice patience in your other relationships. Reliability with your friends and family. Being more open with someone who loves you and knows you well.

By practicing the qualities you want in others and giving more of what you want back, you are starting to get more of the same back. You create much stronger and healthier bonds with people around you – but also lay much stronger foundations for meeting the partner you desire. You are becoming the person you want to be with – and that’s the best and fastest way to get the love you want and deserve.


How does your ‘giving’ list match your ‘wanting’ list?
Please share in the comments below. Thank you!

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1 Response

  1. 20 October, 2014

    […] If you are already doing all of the above and it’s still not happening for years, maybe you have difficulty choosing the right partner for you. Read about how to overcome those here and here. […]

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