How to get over someone you don’t want to get over

get-over-someone

You fell in love. Madly. Maybe for the first time in your life. You thought this person was your one and only. Your best match. Your soul mate. But they don’t want to be with you. Or they did – but then they changed their mind and broke up with you.

You were hurt. Heartbroken. Devastated. You couldn’t think about anything else but him/her. The only thing that was on your mind is how to get them back. Nothing else mattered.

Sounds familiar? Oh yes, I think we’ve all been there at least once. I for sure have been there… well, multiple times 🙂

When you are in that situation you tend to have tunnel vision – you can’t imagine simply moving on with your life. You can’t see your life functioning as it used to if you’re not around this person. All you want is to find a way to get them back. Even if they don’t want it. Oh no, you think – he doesn’t see how great we can be together. I’ll show him. She’ll fall for me if only I get another chance to explain it to her.

It’s possible your loved one is living in denial and deep down they are so in love with you only they don’t know it. Well, it is theoretically possible – but how many times has it happened to you? Or someone you know? How many times have you been in love with someone… and you didn’t know it?

Zero, right?

If you want to get over someone who has left or rejected you, the first thing you have to do is face reality: they are not into you. If they were, they’d be here right now. If you two were such a great match, they would be in it as much as you are. And if you were meant to be together, you would absolutely be together.

You have to acknowledge this to heal your heart as fast as possible. Do it, even though it hurts. Living in denial can only feel good for a short while. You’re allowed to feel bad about it, and grieve your loss. Let yourself be angry, sad or disappointed. Eat a bucket of ice-cream for breakfast. Watch romance movies and cry for 8 hours straight. Stay in bed all weekend. Call in sick and stay at home for a week. It’s OK to not be your usual self for a while. After all, you aren’t your usual self. You are heartbroken. This is a serious emotional trauma.

But it’s better to go through this pain now than postpone it for later and live in false hope. That will only prolong your agony, not make it go away. The person who rejected you has a mind of their own, and you can’t change it by force. Or even gentle persuasion. They are exercising their free will, and unless they choose you, you’ll have to walk away.

If you still think they are the best thing that has ever happened to you, and you’ll never find someone who can match them, you can do another reality check – make a list of all the things you didn’t like, you argued about, things that made you feel uncomfortable, their words, opinions and behaviours that hurt you. Make a list of good stuff too, for comparison. Once you see it on paper it might be easier to see why you didn’t work out. And you’ll see they are not that perfect as your selective memory suggests.

This is particularly important if you are constantly comparing every new date to your lost love. If you have them in your mind as this flawless person who never did anything wrong, it’s no wonder you can’t find someone who’ll compare. Make that list and take them of their pedestal, and you’ll see there are plenty of other amazing people out there. Not the same as your ex love, but equally amazing.

And last, but not least – you have to go get your life back. Once you’ve done the crying, start living again. Go out with people who care for you. Make your life fun and fulfilled again, just do things that make you happy, with people who make you happy. It’s the best recipe to feel loved again, and the best way to invite someone who’ll want and appreciate what you have to offer into it.

If you don’t believe me, bookmark this article and read it again in 3 months. And let me know how things have developed right here in the comment section.

(UPDATE: comments on this post are closed. Please feel free to contact me via CONTACT or COACHING pages if you have questions on this topic.)

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527 Responses

  1. Marianne says:

    I am the personification of this essay. My first love, the man I carried inside my heart for 44 years – I finally got up the nerve to find him and get some closure with him. From then on, We “dated” long distance for the last 28 months. We spoke several times a week. I had some $, so we arranged for us to meet face to face. He cancelled. 3 times. I was heartbroken. We’d love each other. But last month, after a lot of arguing, we mutually decided to “break it off”. He didn’t want a relationship with me “right now”. I was angry and tired of being so far down on his list. He had major money problems. His head was not into the affair the way mine was. We still love each other. I’d give up my job and single life, if he’d just ask. He won’t. I’m still hurting. Still crying on and off and I’m lonely for him. I’ll send email periodically. He reads it. He doesn’t write back. He’s married and I really don’t care. His marriage is over but financially he’s still out there and not here with me. I’m crazy about his mind and his heart. He feels the same, but is honest enough to say he can’t give me the attention I want ” right now”. I put up my profile on Match.com, got lots of responses in 48 hours and took it right back down again. I’m just not ready for it. I love him. He’s the Mars to my Venus. I want and deserve this man but I’m afraid one of us will die before we ever see each other again. We’re both in our mid-60’s so time is running out. How will I ever let him go?
    Thanks for listening.
    MJ

    • Petra says:

      Oh Marianne. Where do I begin. This man doesn’t love you. And his marriage is not over. You’ve just written down all the reasons why you should move on: he cancelled a meeting that you paid for 3 times – a man who cares will find a way to see you, no matter what, even if he is skint. You are in a long distance relationship with a married man = you are not in a relationship, he is just using you as his emotional support. He doesn’t want a relationship (right now was added just to seem more polite, or to keep you lingering and hoping as his backup option). He doesn’t write back to your emails – how do you know he reads them? What makes you think his marriage is over – he is living with his wife far away, how could you possibly know this? He has big money problems – do you really want to date a guy who has big money problems? If you got a request from someone at Match.com and he said he had big money issues would you give him a chance? Honestly you are selling yourself a story here, a big time fantasy. OK – ask yourself: why is this guy so special, what makes him so much better than all the rest? He must have some spell over you which started 44 years ago, but then you were practically a teenager, who says he is the same guy and he still has that? It would be great actually if you could get to spend some time with him, you’d probably run away faster than speed of light. This way he is just a fantasy that lives in your mind and of course as any fantasy he is perfect. And if I was you I’d also question why I want a man with ton of problems living far away, plus – not available, when you have so many others who want to date you, right now? Maybe you have some closeness issues yourself – just not ready to date so using this guy as an excuse. I am sorry to be this harsh but it sounds like he is so not worth it and you need a loud wake up call. Thanks for sharing and let me know if you want to talk through this further and get some coaching. All my best!

      • Marianne says:

        In my head, we have history. We have an unfinished story to play out. I’ve listened to his responses to my questions-especially WHY? They are the same answers every other man says, “I can’t give you the time and attention you need and deserve” He has an agenda and it doesn’t include me. I get it. But I am very attracted to him and have, perhaps in my loneliness, chosen to believe and trust him. I don’t have proof of anything that’s happening 1500 miles away. All I’ve done is trust him. I feel so sad since “the breakup”. Even my ex-husband said that my guy will never be mine. He said I’d be a lonely, bitter old woman. Perhaps he was right. I know my guy isn’t perfect. God knows I’m not either. I’ve worked hard to get where I am in my career, my tiny little place on the beach and to be single once again. I just feel that my guy’s got a lot to shoulder and he needs someone to care about him. Sure, he might have hung on for the ego stroke, but I hung on as well because somewhere deep inside my soul, this man and I have a past that needs an ending. Feeling as I do tonight, is not the ending I’d fantasized about. I miss him. I want him in my life and there isn’t anyway I can make that happen. So, I grieve mightily. Every night I lay here wishing for him to be beside me. But “for now”, I’m in denial. I know it. I have said all the same things to myself that you bring to the table. I say and think all the same things EVERY “other woman” says and thinks. When my grieving stops, I’ll move on but until that day, I’ll keep banging my head against this wall because it feels so very bad when I stop.

        • Petra says:

          I do understand your need to have an ending – but it might be that you’ll have to give this ending to your story yourself. As you said it just feels bad when you stop hoping you’ll be together. Maybe it’s because you don’t believe you can find someone else who’ll make you feel the way he does. Maybe he was the only one you ever felt for so deeply, and after him nobody has been able to make you feel the same, even your husband. So it feels it’s either him or being single for the rest of your life. But the truth he is not the only one who can make you feel loved, connected and understood. The answer to the question – how will you ever let him go – lies in realising he’s not the only one who can make you feel this way. Than you’ll be free (emotionally) to let him go and move on. Thank you for sharing and hope this has helped.

    • Jocelyn says:

      I think I will love only my last boyfriend forever. I took him for granted and pushed him into some else’s arms because I didn’t stop pain killers I thought I would soon and he would wait. But he couldn’t and I don’t blame him it was too painful for him I was so blind. When he left it was the worst feeling in the world I wanted to die if I couldn’t be with him. He was home to me. Everything! I hurt so bad I got sober and hated pills for causing this. Yet he didn’t come back he got a new girlfriend. It’s been two years and he won’t talk to me he acts like we never loved one another even though it was the most exceptional love. love I didn’t know was possible. I know he felt the same we used to say love wasn’t strong enough word. Our family’s are connected though our siblings marriage we share a nephew. I don’t want to move on or be with anyone else. how can I watch him move on when I still can’t get out of bed. I know I will see him with new girls I will one day watch him marry and have kids. Knowing I messed up the best thing ever to happen to me. I lost the only person I can love this deep. I want to remain single forever if that’s is what it takes to show him I know what we lost and I know I’m to blame so in 44 years I will probably be right there with you. All on the slight chance he might come back JM

      • Petra says:

        Hi Jocelyn. I know it’s hard to move on when you feel your ex was your biggest love and you’ll never again find someone like him. Blaming yourself for driving him away and causing the breakup doesn’t help either. The first question you need to ask yourself is whether you truly want to move on? Seems to me like you don’t – yet. But if you do, there are ways and things you can do to break away, forgive yourself and move on with your life. It’s all good and nice to hope he’ll come back, but you have zero control over that and long term it can be very painful and you’ll just feel more and more frustrated and powerless. Especially when he starts dating someone new. The key thing here is for you to forgive yourself and realise it wasn’t meant to be at that time, and with him – but you learned a powerful lesson and your new relationships will be better and more harmonious as a result. And that is a big gain. Let me know if you’d like to discuss this further, we can arrange a consultation. Please contact me via email if you’d like that.

        • Rocbottom says:

          My gosh my heart just aches for you…I did the same thing. I’m 43 years old and found the one and only for me — the love of my life. And our love was real. So real and so perfect. But she caught me playing with pain killers and I lied about it. She forgave me and I promised. But I went back on my promise and hid it from her. Bergen she caught me and realized I had lied AGAIN…well, she walked. Like I never meant a thing to her. She was in a new relationship within a week, living in Hawaii 2-weeks after that. She never spoke to me again until 9 weeks had passed and I begged her for 3 days via email & text to just hear me out. She called me back and I pured out my heart on the phone for an hour trying to convince her that I knew where I’d gone wrong and that we could still be happy…

          Nope. She was dating someone else, had moved on, clearly, and given her love to that person. She said she still loved me, that she didn’t want to breakup but that my actions forced her to end it. It was over and she was so angry that I had f*cked this up that she never wanted to see me again.

          That kind of regret is something you live with for the rest of your life. You don’t “move on” or “get over it.” The hurt I feel is permanent. I still find it impossible to be as attracted to anyone else as I was to her. I am still overwhelmed by guilt and filled with shame. She doesn’t love me anymore or think about me, wonder how I’m doing. I killed her deep, passionate love for me with my selfish, weak, stupid choices…all because I was unhappy and didn’t deserve her. But she loved me anyway. The man she thought I was, anyway…I proved myself unworthy of her love. And my life has never been the same…and it will never be the same again. Something died inside me when she said it was over. I’d never loved or trusted anyone that much before. And when that piece of me died, it became forever impossible for me to love that deeply again. So that is my punishment. I had no idea the price I would pay could be this high…but it is. And there’s no going back. I truly feel for you…I really, really do.

          • Petra says:

            Hey I know it is painful, but you still deserve love and it doesn’t have to be just with this one person. The only way you can repair your past mistakes is not repeat them in the future. And it wasn’t all your fault, that is for sure. There is always two people in every relationship and every breakup, and they are both responsible for their outcomes. Take care! Let me know if you’d like me to help.

          • BKD says:

            Hey if she really loved you she would’ve stayed by your side during your hardship with pills. Think about what happiness you can bring another beautiful woman who deserves it. Look you can see there are many women in pain and vise versa. Stop living in misery and being selfish, ALL OF YOU ON THIS FORUM.

          • Petra says:

            Thank you for chipping in, good advice. But please don’t be so harsh to others – everyone is struggling and fighting their own battle. Just because you’ve figured it out a bit better doesn’t mean other people are selfish or they chose their misery themselves. Life’s not easy and nobody wants to be miserable, but sometimes we just don’t know better.

    • Margaret nalley says:

      Petra I am in a very similar situation I see this was written in March of 2014 what ever happened?

      • Petra says:

        Hi Margaret, no idea what happened with the people in this thread – but if you’d like to talk about your situation, do contact me via email or Contact or Coaching pages, we can have a consultation.

    • Hush says:

      Hi Petra,

      I hope it’s not too late to join the discussion! I need to move on… I am a woman in my late 20’s in a seriously hopeless situation.

      I married really young to a great guy. We had two children and they are perfect. But it ended, we got divorced and now I find myself completely without hope that I can ever find someone again.

      8 months ago I decided to try online dating. I’m pretty good looking and have a reasonably really interesting and nice job so it wasn’t hard to get many responses.. Except that I didn’t say on my profile I had kids. And I met someone.

      I told him about my kids after a few weeks of seeing him. He said he was very surprised because of how young I was, but since he wasn’t looking for any real commitment at the time, he didn’t see why we could not still hang out. I agreed because I figured some company couldn’t hurt.

      Gosh we turned out to be such a perfect match! Long story short.. I developed feelings for him and he developed feelings for me. But he can’t do it. While sobbing he told me that even though he loves me and that he is so happy with me, he can’t, at his age (not even 30), commit to someone with children. He said he can’t see a future with me and we broke up. In tears, both sides.

      I am so heartbroken. It’s horrible to know I can’t be girlfriend material to most guys around my age. I feel like I will never find anyone until I’m much older and it exacerbates everything. I can’t believe I found someone with whom I had such a strong connection with but because of my past decisions I can’t be with. I don’t resents kids in any way, but I can’t help feeling like this.

      And I miss him. We have become
      Best friends and partners and he is gone. I feel like my heart is bleeding. I am torn between trying to heal or simply give up on loving again.

      Thanks for reading.

      • Petra says:

        I think you just need to admit you have kids on your profile. That way you’ll attract men who are both attracted to you and will accept your kids. The fact you attracted someone who is such a great match is only a confirmation you can do it! Don’t get discouraged, there will be more great guys. But there is no point in meeting someone and letting him into your life, falling in love and then down the line having to break up because he isn’t ready to commit to someone with children. Your kids are there to stay, so it’s better to make that clear upfront than to face disappointment and heartbreak down the line. Even if you get less offers, doesn’t matter because you will just filter out the ones who are not serious – those who’ll want your whole ‘package’ are the ones you are looking for to, so it’s a win-win. Take care.

    • Deepika says:

      Hey I m not getting in clear I that u never got married ways ur age right now

  2. Drosera says:

    Oh how I love this blog! It took me a VERY long time to get over my ex. I thought he was the love of my life, the one I had been waiting for. All the bad dates and the previous heartaches no longer mattered when I met him. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. To make a long story short he broke up with me and there were no warning signs. I was devastated. I had to take two months off of work, I was constantly crying. That lasted a few months, but it took me two years to get over my love for him. It also took me another two to get over my anger and to believe in happiness again. Yes, that is a long time. He was so special to me. But what did help was to do what you said, Petra. I listed the things that were wrong with him. Other than the way we broke up (he just stopped calling…this after a marriage proposal, this from a 50 year old director at the United Nations, father of two daughters…not a 15 year old high-school student, a grown man), he was very good to me. However, when i thought about it, my ex was a troubled man. Of course, when I was with him, love blinded me to this. His first wife had mental issues and was abusive towards him, but she needed him and he thought he could fix her. He didn’t. They were together for 18 years. His second wife had breast cancer and was dying, but he was terribly needed by her, so this was great for him. She died and then he met me. Now his third wife, which he met not too long after breaking up with me (after he said he wasn’t ever going to be in a committed relationship again and was going to stay single for a very long time), is healthy physically, but is very domineering and treats him like her accessory. She is also a lot like his mother in both looks and attitude, and his mother was very controlling. I am not like that at all. I am not the kind of woman who will “whip a man into shape” or control him. In retrospect, I just wasn’t the woman for him because I wasn’t especially needy nor did I tell him what to do, which were characteristics of all of his partnerships. It wasn’t that I didn’t need him, but I didn’t need him in the way he needed to be needed. It took me a long time to realize all of this. So sometimes it isn’t really something wrong with you, sometimes it is just that you don’t fit into a person’s comfort zone or you don’t fulfill a need, or trigger their insecurities. Once I understood this I then made a conscious effort to let go, just let go of all the negativity and anger, etc.

    This helped me get over him…but it hasn’t helped me find someone new.

    One thing that he did have though, that I really loved, was that he was truly interested in what I did and what I had to say. We also had many things in common and had similar values. We spent a lot of time together and it just flowed, like magic. He also travelled a lot, just like me. Few people have been to the same countries as we had visited, separately, before we knew each other. That was very refreshing to meet someone like that.

    It is very difficult to find that, even though these things seem so elementary. It isn’t that I am looking for a replacement of him, not at all. However, the things that he had were the things that I had always wanted. It took me forever to find him, how can I have hope that someone else can make me as happy?

    I have gone on dates since him but no one so far has made me feel like going further because yes, when it comes to having an actual in depth conversation, my ex was really good. I can’t stand these dates where men constantly talk about themselves. I suppose they are trying to impress me but whenever I try to have my say their eyes seem to glaze over and they are just waiting their turn to talk about themselves again, or they are mean, or confused, or…What impresses me is not the car or the job or the suit or whatever amount he has in his bank, it is that he shows a genuine interest in me, in what I have to say, and wants us to be happy together. It is so incredibly hard to find.

    So right now I am living a happy life, keeping busy, going out, meeting new friends, volunteering, etc. Just living life and being happy! Thing is, it might mean I will never meet another love of my life. I would like one though…but I am finding it difficult to be optimistic, even though I am trying my best to be.

    • Petra says:

      It looks to me like you still hold him on a pedestal – even though you let him go emotionally. You’re still comparing every new guy you meet with him and that is what’s holding you back – the belief that he was so perfect and it is so hard to find someone as good as him. It’s something you need to address and start believing that it’s possible and not that hard to find someone who’ll make you happy. This way you’re blocking yourself from meeting the men who’d be a good match. Plus, this man was really not that great for you if he has all those control issues. He was maybe a good match for you at the time, but given the fact he treated and left you the way he did – speaks volumes of his character. Grown up men don’t treat women or anyone else that way. There might be something there as well – maybe you’re not seeing yourself as good enough to date someone without issues. If you’d like to explore that get in touch and we can have an intro session. Let me know by email or via my contact page.

      • Drosera says:

        I think what you say makes a lot of sense and I am not completely against what you are saying. Yes, I am blocking myself from meeting men…and I might have self-esteem issues, which is something I have been thinking of recently, with regards to men (not my career though). At the same time I do find it hard to find someone good. I don’t think I am alone in thinking this and there are tons of men out there who have issues, women too, I guess, but I date men so that is my experience. It is very hard for me to find someone with whom I can relate. I am a very successful woman, I am very well travelled, I speak many languages, I come from a stable family background and have great friends, many of which I have had for life. I am not especially arrogant or snooty about my success, so I do not look down on men at all. However, a lot of men are freaked out about that.

        It’s difficult to tell you everything in written form so perhaps a Skype session would be in order.

        Where I respectfully disagree with you though, I do think it is hard to find someone amazing. I think most people settle, which is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high.

        Still, you have hit many key points and these are things I am going to need to look at and work on. Thanks 🙂

        • Petra says:

          It’s true, one can be very accomplished and confident in their career, social life and friendships, yet have low self-esteem and be insecure about dating and romantic relationships. Sometimes we think if we’re successful in some areas it will spill over into the rest of our life, but that doesn’t necessarily happen. Also, when you keep meeting men who are not your match in many ways (the ones who get freaked out by your success) it means you are not fully confident in your value as a partner – otherwise good matching partners would come more easily. That’s what I meant by meeting someone amazing, it’s not about how many of those people are out there, it’s about how easily you attract them into your life. If you’d like to discuss more let me know – we can explore this a bit further, and it will definitely be easier in a conversation than in writing.

          • Drosera says:

            Petra, thank you. You are extremely insightful and wise. This has helped tremendously. I am embarking in a journey of self-awareness with regards to my relationships. I do want to be in love, but there are some things about my attitude that are in the way. You are great.

          • Petra says:

            Thank you for your lovely comment! Glad to hear I helped you 🙂 Take care and wish you all the best on your journey.

  3. Erin says:

    Thanks a lot. It did help. But how about you ex keeps in touch after 1 month when you almost stop thinking about him? my ex contacts me several days ago, he said he wanted to help me and give me an job offer from his sub-company. I am actually not suitable for this job considering I don’t have related experience in that job (game engineer). I am a senior software engineer focusing on enterprise applications. But the job appeals to me because I can learn something new which could benefit my career development. He thinks I am suitable for it and said he could give me time to familiar with the job and help me to acquire my career objective. I did get an offer from the sub-company now after interview but I don’t know whether it is right thing to do considering I don’t really get over him.

    Although we won’t be in the same city, but we are in the same team. We will work together. It is easier we don’t keep in touch any more. I don’t text or call him since we broke up and it is just one month since we broke up. He should know I need time even he wants to be friends, now coworkers……

    It is hard to make a decision. I don’t want miss a good job, but I am afraid I can’t help hoping that he could come back. I don’t want to be disappointed again. It’s hurt to think that he doesn’t love me but still wants me in his life

    • Petra says:

      Hi Erin, thanks for your comment. Do you think he is still into you and this is his way to try to get you back? It is a strange proposal indeed. It’s definitely a move that has some other meaning than just a job offer. If you think it would be hard for you emotionally then don’t go there. There will be other opportunities to learn new skills. If you think you can handle it emotionally and it’s once in a lifetime opportunity, go for it. It is ultimately your decision but do consider your pros and cons carefully because if you do it and something goes wrong with him – you might lose that job as quickly as you found it. If you are not sure, go talk to him and ask him why he wants you at the job and he wants you now when your break up is still so fresh, that should give you some more clues about his motives. Good luck!

  4. Erin says:

    Thanks you for your suggestion.

    • Petra says:

      You are most welcome my dear.

    • Erin says:

      I didn’t ask him, because I know he wouldn’t tell me the truth, so I waited for a couple of days to see how things were going. After one week, he stopped texting me, except sometimes making a comment to my post on face book. He told me to discuss the salary with HR but so far I didn’t received any calls from his company, so I guess he talked to me and offered a job just because he was sort of miss me. Now he totally gets over it, so he doesn’t care whether I can get the job or not. I don’t really care about this job, but I feel angry and insulted. I couldn’t help thinking that he used me. How could people be so selfish to do such things. I know I deserve better, but now I feel angry and just cannot let it go. I am dating with someone now. I know it is unfair to the new guy if I can’t get over it. but it is hard not to hate him.

      • Petra says:

        Hi Erin, I am really sorry that happened – but it only proves his motives were not strictly professional, and it’s good for you that job never happened. You saved yourself from a potentially very unpleasant scene, and that’s great. Why is he like that? Who knows, but that’s one more reason to move on and stop thinking about him 🙂

  5. Daniella says:

    Hi Petra,

    I totally agree with everything you’ve said. If it’s not too forward of me, I’d like to add an additional viewpoint to go with your piece.

    When I was younger, I kept getting these messages about dating in general and about myself specifically. It was very clear that everyone around me expected me to date the guys who were interested in me, not necessarily the guys I was interested in. They were always telling me to give some guy a chance, even after I expressed my disinterest. If I wasn’t physically or emotionally attracted to him, I was “selfish” and “shallow.” This taught me that I was wrong to want someone I was genuinely attracted to.

    Then, if I went on a date and felt nothing, I was being too hasty. What if he was The One? I certainly couldn’t know that he wasn’t after only one date. No one ever said what the proper amount of dates was to determine that you don’t really like the guy, so the majority of my relationships were with guys who I didn’t dislike any more the day I dumped them than the first time we went out. And the guys were confused because they wanted to know what went wrong. My friends wanted to constantly dissect the relationship and would encourage me to get back together with them. This taught me that, not only were my desires wrong, but I couldn’t even really be sure of what they were in the first place because I was just being “picky”. No matter how many chances I gave a guy, if it didn’t work out, I simply hadn’t given him enough chances.

    People also knew that I had a hard time even getting dates, much less dates with people I actually desired. They told me to settle. I ended up dating a guy who literally made my skin crawl every time he touched me during our year long relationship. Why? I’m not really sure.

    Maybe I thought that it was my penance for wanting physical attraction or emotional connection. Maybe I thought if I gave him the love that he wanted from me, I would earn the right to be loved.
    Maybe I was so damn lonely that even bad attention was better than no attention. Maybe I was just waiting for somebody to notice how miserable I was and tell me that I didn’t owe another person a relationship just because he wanted it. Maybe I wanted to show people the misery that their standards caused me.

    I wanted to throw it in their faces how stupid those standards were. The irony was that none of them cared if I was miserable and I only ended up hurting myself, in a typically overdramatic, immature way.

    I finally ended that relationship when a very wise female friend told me that it was better to be lonely and alone, than lonely and with someone. That’s all it took for me to get out of one of the worst points in my life, self-inflicted though it was.

    I was single for eight years until I met my husband. (I’m not even 30 yet. You do the math.) I finally accepted that it’s okay to not be attracted to someone, if you feel nothing for them physically or emotionally. People shouldn’t settle for less than what they truly want, which is the full package. I stopped “giving chances” to guys I wasn’t interested in. I started off with a “one date to change my mind” rule until I stopped that too. I decided that I shouldn’t have to give anyone a single reason why I didn’t want to date them other than “because I don’t.”

    And I will decry the people who tell you to simply give some someone a chance because it’s not just about finding a diamond in the rough; it’s also about systematically denying yourself the right to your own feelings in seeking a relationship.

    • Petra says:

      Thanks Daniella for your insightful comment. Absolutely, It’s always better to be alone than with someone you don’t love. I am really glad you recognised this at a young age and gave yourself a chance to find what you really want and need. Your story is an inspiration to everyone here reading and commenting – thank you so much for taking the time to write it!

  6. tina says:

    thank you for your post.
    for me, never having been in a relationship, i don’t have an ex to get over. i met someone a while ago and was surprised by how strong my feelings were for him. but they weren’t reciprocated. i still feel really badly about that, missing out on a potential relationship (my love life is otherwise dull) and knowing he developed feelings for someone else. i throw myself into school, work, volunteering, and have tried to spend more time with friends and family. yet i still feel heartbroken (can i even use that word although he was never mine?) and insecure. when and how will i finally move on?

    • Petra says:

      Hello Tina. I think a good start would be to think about why this person is or was so special to you. What makes him different than other people you met? That might give you some answers – at least you will know what you’re looking for, or attracted to. Your feelings will fade over time, but it’s always good to look at them because if we understand where our feelings come from it’s easier to make them go away. Second thing – your love life may be dull now, but it doesn’t have to be so. It’s up to you to make it more interesting. Are you going out and meeting new people, are you going on dates? Also, you are probably more heartbroken because you were rejected and you haven’t had a relationship before. It hurts more if we don’t have any positive experiences to confirm to us we are worthy of love. There are a few layers here – and if you want we can have a consultation, it will help you get clear and see what you can do to heal. Let me know if you want to schedule it, send an email via my contact page.

  7. Lynne says:

    Getting over someone that you deeply cared about and loved and one who has made a mark in your life is truly difficult but like you have said accepting the fact that he is not into you is a step towards moving on. Something better is out there for you so get your life back together and forget about the love lost and welcome in new love.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Lynne – very true, as hard as it is – moving on is all we can do in that situation. Otherwise we can stay in grief and regret way too long, and nobody is worth that much pain. Thank you for contributing to the discussion.

  8. Michael says:

    Question? I am having a hard time understanding why my girlfriend stop talking to me 8 mouths ago she did not give me a good reason for that what do you think is the problem i dont understand it, so i have not tryed to talk to her at all in 8 mouths.

    • Petra says:

      Dear Michael, thanks for reaching out. I would love to help but I’d have to have a bit more information about your situation and the whole breakup. Please send me an email with a bit more detailed explanation of what happened (you can do it via my CONTACT page).

    • darris says:

      My ex packed up and left out of the blue she sent signs br she did but wasn’t blunt just vague I haven’t seen her in almost 3 months she doesn’t respond to messages and when she did they where mixed messages like I just wanna be alone,God wants all of me now,I don’t wanna take care of to people anymore,I know you’ll get it together I pray for you everyday to move on I don’t wanna be with you anymore to I May date if I do I’ll go outta town to I’ll always have a place in my heart for you I mean what’s going on I’ve been with her 10 years Idk what I’m facing can someone give me the truth I really care for this woman she can’t even face me bc she packed and left while I was at work as her mom’s did to her men but always came back to them eventually what’s going on

      • Petra says:

        Dear Darris, she doesn’t want to be with you. She told you that and she left you. What more do you need? It is crystal clear. I am sorry to put it so bluntly but there is nothing you can do but accept the situation and move on. It will take some time to get over her and heal, but there is no other solution unless she changes her mind, and you have no control over that. Moving on and looking for a connection with someone else is always better than hoping someone will come back to you. Hoping and waiting also prolongs the pain and suffering – since there is nothing you can do to end this wait, there is no way you can control anyone’s feelings but your own. If you decide to move on it might be more painful at the start but you will get better faster. You can find love with someone, you are capable of that – nobody is meant to be happy only with one person in this world.

        • darris says:

          She’s done this b4 and keeps coming bsck

          • Petra says:

            That’s fine – she may do it again, and again, and again – but the question is do you want to put up with it, and be on this emotional rollercoaster? It’s not your only choice, but it might be your only choice if you decide to stick with her.

  9. Ygraine says:

    I found this when I Googled (for the hundredth time) “How to get over someone you don’t want to get over” like there was a miracle pill out there, just waiting to be snapped up. My guy and I have a 2ish year period of unofficial off and on again sleeping together, interest in other people, seeing other people but rathering being together (that’s mostly me), distrust from all the confusion (him), drunken confessions of “feelings” (no L word, not really our thing, which is weird cause I’m happy to say it to anyone else), and an oddly strong friendship. No miracle pill, but I found this entry and the accompanying comments very helpful. Most helpful were the “I know he still loves me” kind of comments. I know my guy has strong feelings for me, I know he thinks about me and would do anything for me, I know I know I know that he wishes it “could be”. I know from the look in his eyes, the way he holds my hand, the way he asks me for help, the way that when he’s drunk or inhibitionally happy he will stand gazing into my eyes and holding my hands and just smiling, taking everything in, for hours if I let him. And then I read or hear stories by men or women whose The One That Got Away clearly has no feelings for them, and it makes me snap out of it. I can go back to my actual dear sweet current boyfriend, as caring as when the day started and I hadn’t received a now obviously 100% platonic message asking what I was up to. Doesn’t change the knowledge that my feelings are mutual, just puts some depressing perspective on it.
    That point you made about never having been in love without realising it, was golden, it was really amazing. I’d never thought of it that way. We have spoken about our mutual feelings only twice since I started dating my new boyfriend, the first time was him drunk and telling me I really hurt him the way I announced my new relationship, and the second time (5 months later) me drunk and telling him that he was an idiot for wanting that other girl when I wanted him and now look where we are blah blah (embarrassing, I know). But, both times we admitted mutual feelings. But if he wanted to be with me, he could have said it on the MANY chances I gave him to, so it’s obviously not there. He just will never be with me and I have a $2000 holiday booked with the new (and wonderful) boyfriend in 3 months.
    I’m lost for how to yet again try to end all romantic feelings with my best friend and make the most of my amazing relationship with a man who I do care about, and can offer me an actual future.

    So that was my story, mostly I just wanted to say thank you for posting this really helpful entry, and thank you to everyone else who posts, and that epic is why I was looking at it in the first place.
    Thank you.

    • Petra says:

      Hello there, thank you for sharing and thanks for the amazing feedback. My heart and soul lights up every time someone says I’ve helped or facilitated some change/insight for them – so thanks so much for letting me know. Take care and all my best!

  10. sanam says:

    My prob is when ever i get free time past memory filled my mind n i got depressed .. Started crying. Usually it happened to me at night .. I tried a hell lot not to think abt him bt nothing is working out.. I m kind of a gal who thinks a lot .. I really dnoy knw wht i could possibley do to make things rite wid me.. Hlp me

  11. Win says:

    It has been 4 months since my ex broke up with me. It came out of nowhere, we were very happy one moment and he dumped me the next. He said he didn’t see a future with me and he didn’t want to drag it on because our relationship was so easy it would have dragged on for awhile. We got along really well and had a lot of fun and laughs together. I was confused by all of this, he said I was very special to him and that I was a wonderful person but yet he didn’t see a future. At one point he told me he didn’t want to lose me and that I was the best thing that happened to him. So I don’t get it. The shock of being dumped like this has caused me a lot of pain. I have come a long way in getting past the pain but on some days I feel incredibly lonely and wonder how he can be so cold and if he still thinks about me. How can I get over this?

    • Petra says:

      Hi Win, I know it’s very hard to get over someone who told us we were the best thing ever one day, and dumped us the next. It’s confusing and heartbreaking at the same time. The guy you dated clearly wasn’t saying the truth or he was just too immature to understand himself and to know his true feelings. You really don’t need him, or guys like him who are not grown up enough to have a proper relationship. You can do better than that. Just concentrate on seeing him for what he truly is and not only through the nice gestures and words. Once you put together his good and bad sides, you will see why it didn’t work. The pain you are feeling is the pain of rejection, and has really nothing to do with him. He just didn’t think you are a great match (or he did but then he changed his mind), and that’s all. You see it now as your personal failure, but it was just his preference. And all that doesn’t mean you won’t find someone else who will be truly into you. Take care.

    • Jen says:

      Hi Win, I just want to say the EXACT same thing happened to me, 3 months ago, I am not over him either, but just wanted you to know you’re not alone, and I’m glad I came across your comment because Petra’s reply helped me too… these boys don’t know themselves, or their feelings, and we CAN feel this way again! (hope hope)

  12. Kurter says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me just over 1 week ago and I am struggling to accept it and realise he doesnt have the same feelings, I keep thinking he will regret it and get in touch but we have had 1 week of no contact and it is killing me.

    He has alot going on in his life with his children, his living situation isnt great as he had to move back with his mum and his career and money isnt where he would like it to be, I think he feels bad about himself and just didnt have time for a relationship and he couldnt communicate any issues to me so they built up to where he just didnt want to be with me anymore.

    We were so happy at the start and both thought we’d found the one, its very hard to think about life going forward without him and I am fed up of being miserable, I cant stand this awful feeling.

    I’m really trying but I guess deep down I just can’t accept it, he didnt give me great reasons, just that he wasnt into me anymore, but I dont feel he even tried to fix it when it started going wrong, almost like he couldnt be bothered as he had so much else going on in his life.

    Hoping I feel better soon, cant imagine being with anyone else 🙁

    • Petra says:

      Hi Kurter, it always hurts and the pain is still very fresh in your case. Please give it some time and let the feelings out. You will feel better over time and honestly, if he didn’t want you – he wasn’t the one for you. I am sure you can find a great guy with less baggage and issues, and one who will truly desire and love you for who you are.

  13. Lynn says:

    Hi! I’ve been going through this for over a year, but about 4 months ago, I cut off all contact with the person (last.fm and associated websites) to try to “get over him.” As cheesy as it sounds, I thought he was a great person, and he didn’t do anything wrong, but I had a feeling he found somebody else. I was a friend and nothing more (well, nothing else was stated). So, I assumed that even if he did find someone else, I was still -a friend-, because his recent comments towards me were all positive. Okay, it’s fine if he found love, and that’s his choice, but I am trying to get over him. Basically, I’ve deleted memories (pictures that I saved), added new musical choices while still keeping my base taste, found some new hobbies (like watching more anime and teaching myself Japanese), and for about a month, I was almost doing a bit better. However, I go through periods of time where the dude creeps in my dreams for weeks straight, and I wake up feeling confused afterwards as a result (trying to go forwards NOT backwards). I am also missing the girl I used to talk to who was my best friend, but I left contact with her, because I thought that talking to her would trigger memories. However, I’m about to talk to her again in about a month or two (whenever I feel ready), because I feel like I’m dying inside (however, not on last.fm and associated websites for obvious reasons). Then, when I’m over the guy, I’ll probably just -be his friend- and possibly have somebody else. After all, he was a great friend, and it’s his choice if he was just -in love- with someone else. He said I was his best friend, but there’s a difference between considering someone a best buddy and another person somebody you love to the core. So, yeah, when I’m over him, I’ll probably just -be his friend- and maybe even feel happy for the other person if they ARE in a relationship. I hope that maybe I can have a healthy friendship with the person by next year, which is around the time my favorite band’s new album is going to come out. By using my head instead of my heart, because often times, logic does come to save the day, I believe that doing this will bring me another person, or let me be single and happy, while being his friend healthily. Some other tips besides listening to music that deviates from his taste realm, finding new hobbies, and trying to keep a positive attitude include purposely contradicting my positive thoughts about him with negative ones and talking to my counselor. I just hope that I can get over him soon, so I can go back to my usual stuff (with new hobbies and tastes included), and be his friend healthily. (For all I know, he might think I’m dead or something :P) Also, my dad just died a few months ago, so maybe my more “emotional” thoughts towards him are trying to compensate for the loss, therefore, making it harder to get over him. And before then, I knew he was dying from cancer. Just trying to rationalize all of this nonsense. One last thing, my mom thinks I have fibromyalgia, because I have a lot of pain throughout my body and overactive nerves, and I feel like the pain is worse as a result of trying to get over him, and also, excluding my female best friend (that I seriously plan on talking to again). This is strange, but there’s also like a acidic-type burning sensation in my chest at times, and I don’t know if it’s a void or something else. But yeah, I hope I can heal from this fast, because I’d also like to go to college and stuff. The idealistic version of my life is college, being the guy’s friend healthily while possibly finding new ones and also being the female’s best friend, knowing Japanese, and years down the road going to Tokyo. You are good at advice, so I wanted to write this out. Thanks.

    • Petra says:

      Thanks for sharing Lynn. I think it is a good idea to keep yourself occupied with things that have nothing to do with him, and life will take care of your feelings eventually. It’s all about understanding that people who don’t want us are not a good match for us either, and in many cases – they don’t deserve us either. Wish you all my best.

  14. Theo says:

    Wow… This has been a great read. I am actually in that same process,rollercoster. I keep allowing this man to come back into my life because i love him, but he keeps hurting more me and leaving me, he just disappears. The funny part is that when he leaves me i wait on him, its like i know he will come back and he knows i will but when he does, it only lasts for a while then he starts hurting me again and we would go separate ways and the process starts again after couple of months. this has been going on for almost 4 years now. I am so angry at myself for still loving him even after he does this, o know i deserve better but i keep hoping he will be better, i mean shouldnt my love for him be gone? why do i never hate him? i always love him more n more…. is it a case of me not wanting to not love him anymore?

    • Petra says:

      Hi, that is not love. I know it sounds like it is – but it’s not the right kind of love. It’s rooted in insecurity and need, and probably your (and his) belief that you can’t do any better. Why would you believe something like that? It’s not always a conscious belief, but just something we carry deep inside, the “I am not good enough to be loved as I am” feeling which makes us go back to people and places that resemble love. I think 4 years is a really long time for you to be lingering and having this unhealthy on and off relationship – it’s a waste of time for you. You are emotionally tied to this guy, and you’re not really single in your heart, that’s why new and better matches are not coming along either. If you’d like me to help you let go of it, do get in touch via email. We can have a consultation and see where you want to go from there.

  15. Ms Jones says:

    Hi Petra – As I read your comments and everyone else’s, I realize that I have come just a teensy way over the last 2+ years in getting over my ex. I am not crying my eyes out every day. I do not send him messages and emails anymore. I believe I may someday find someone else because I do not want to be alone.
    Yet I think about him every night because I am alone. He was my warm pillow and I have no one else here yet.
    I am just lonely. I hope I find someone soon.

    • Petra says:

      I know it’s hard, sometimes we just have to feel things until we are simply fed up with being miserable and then you naturally let go. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone but I do understand if you are simply not ready yet. I had periods in my life when I knew some things had to change, and I knew they were not good for me, but still I persisted because I was simply not there yet – not strong enough yet to let go of them.

  16. Liv says:

    Thanks for the post and the comments. Makes me see that I’m not alone and that this happens everyday and everyday people get over it (even if it seems impossible right now).
    I’ve completely fallen for this guy. He’s smart, funny, super hot, and we have lots in common even though he’s younger (he’s 25 I’m 34). We made out once, after that it was obvious I was more interested than him. I believe he noticed and things between us got seriously awkward.
    I was for 4 days knowing nothing bout him and realised I could just move on and forget him…if I could not see him ever again. Problem is, he’s a coworker. Seats a couple of desks behind me, I have to see him every single day, and it’s hard…
    For the last couple of days I’ve felt like he was ready for flirting again (I might be delusional though) and I know I shouldn’t! I know (my rational mind knows) he just enjoys the attention and why not might want to get laid, but with zero effort from his side, and with nothing deeper behind. But there is that annoying part of my brain that cannot accept it and still expects and wishes anxiously for a text, a smile, an invitation…I just cannot get out of my mind that night when we kissed…realising that the connection I felt was coming just from my side and taking in that he just does not care while i can hardly focus on anything else…really does seem impossible at the moment!

    • Petra says:

      Hi Liv, sounds like you have a crush 🙂 Nothing wrong with that, but if you really want for something to happen with this guy – then act, show him in whichever way is good for you that you like him… and see how it goes. If he says no it will be a good reality check. If you want to keep feeling the butterflies and just enjoying the feeling of being in love – then I guess just keep doing what you’re doing. Take care!

  17. Derek says:

    Hopefully writing this down will help me make sense of what’s going on with me and sort it out.

    I am a 44 year old martial arts coach, separated. This past year has been hard, so I have poured a lot of my energy into my club.
    Just about the time I separated from my wife a young lady came back into my life, I had coached her before at a previous club and there was a lot of chemistry there. She was with someone and I was married so nothing was ever going to develop. And I always had the ‘only if’ approach to that.
    When she came back she started hanging back at the end of the class so we could walk back to our cars which were always parked together. Sometimes we would stand for an hour or two talking about everything. She also informed me that she was single.
    Over the next year our relationship has developed, the chemistry has been there for all to see, and it has been noticed so much that anyone new coming to the club assumed that we were together. The body language signs were all there, but there has always been something….stopping her from taking it further. There is a significant age gap (13 years) and the fact I am in the throes of divorce. She has also been very badly hurt herself….and hasn’t dated properly since her relationship breakdown
    We have spent a couple of weekends away with the club at competitions, and the last one we were pretty much joined at the hip, and were acting like 2 love struck teenagers, although nothing happened.
    It was on this trip I released that I had fallen for her, hook line and sinker. Never felt this way for anyone.
    I had started seeing someone, a lovely woman, who loved me wholeheartedly, and although we shared a bond I just couldn’t give myself 100% to her. It wasn’t fair so I ended it.

    When I told my’ student’ that I was single, there was a moment ( a heartbeat) of happiness there, and she then covered it up.
    Since that time, it’s been different,to be honest it had changed slightly before then but thats the moment that sticks in my mind. She has been acting different towards me, not cold or anything, just different….not as friendly, no light touches….but still lots of glances and looks…..and all the flirting and attention she was giving to me previously she is more or less giving now to one of my other students. A handsome lad, who is half my age!. Seeing her and him totally rips me apart, so much now that I know I have to do something to move away from this, and still salvage the friendship that I have with her. The last session she was heading out on holiday early the next day, so she didn’t train, she came in and gave me a little half hug then went straight to the young lad…..I just swallowed it and carried on coaching. When she did come over to me, I was a little short with her, but managed to control it. She then came in close and layed her head on my chest ( she has a habit of doing this)…after a short discussion I was given a full hug and she left…….

    Talk about mixed signals!!……the more sensitive of the class, people I am close too can all see the shift….and are as confused as I am. I can only think that she doesn’t want anything more than friendship. Ok I can just about live with that, but dealing with the reality is hard…..I have taken her number out of my phone, all the pictures I had of us I have removed also. I am also planning on NOT staying back after class and just shutting up and heading home. I don’t want to hurt her, and I certainly don’t want to lose her friendship. But I need to move on and get past this. I had no idea heartache could feel so real, and so strong even at my age. Last time I felt like this was when I was 11 or so when my first girlfriend ended it…. Some close friends have been worried about me, thinking I had depression ( I haven’t)…..I just want to move past this and get on with my life. She has made her decision and that’s fine. I still have to deal with seeing her, coaching her, and weekends away….I need to be proffesional. I have tried in the past to pull back, but always she seem to react and pull me back…if that makes sense….This time I know it will be different, and to be honest it needs to be.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Derek. Well it’s hard to understand why people behave a certain way and give out mixed signals unless they tell you. Might be this girl just loves to flirt and she indulged in that as long as you were “safe” – meaning unavailable. That is however not very nice behaviour and I would call it playing with someone’s feelings. It might be something else though – but, as I said, you’d have to ask her directly, there is no way you or me will ever know what goes in her mind otherwise. My other observation is – based on what you’ve written, seems like this flirting state has been going on for quite a while for you two, which actually contributed to you having hopes and falling for her, without any concrete knowledge of whether she feels the same. If you had taken action earlier to see if she wants to be with you I believe there would be much less emotional investment from your side – which means easier to get over her. Thanks for commenting and wish you all my best.

  18. Renee says:

    I met an amazing guy, it was the first time I have met someone where I could check everything off my list of what I’d like if I could have everything…. he was cute, smart, funny, liked kids (i’m a single mom). he was all of it… we talked for a month and a half (met online) We went out twice… there was definite chemistry and a strong connection. He had a job come up where he’d be moving two hours away and he wasn’t willing to make the distance and so it ended. It makes no sense I guess that I feel so strongly about someone I barely know but I do. It hurts… I could have just seen him and left the door open to get hurt – as he said he didn’t want to get serious and hurt me, so it would have to be more on the friend side of things. I told him I didn’t see a friendship and told him I cared about him but that wouldn’t work for me and said that if he got his life together and thought of me maybe we could try it again otherwise I said goodbye. So I’m walking away… and it hurts, more probably than it should.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Renee, ugh it’s a tough one. Seems like he just wasn’t ready to commit – or simply didn’t feel that strongly for you. I am sorry you feel hurt and disappointed, but please don’t let this one experience discourage you from trying again. The positive is that you did meet someone who ticked all your boxes, that means there is more guys out there who’ll tick them all (plus want to commit). My one advice when it comes to dating online – do schedule a real life date as soon as possible, just to avoid getting emotionally involved with someone who is more into flirting than having a relationship. It’s easier to read someone once you talk to them in person, plus you’ll see immediately if there is real chemistry… and the sooner you find all that out, the easier it will be to walk away if he’s not into something serious. Take care!

  19. Marina says:

    I’m a Brazilian student spending one year here in the US in an exchange program. I met several other Brazilians when we got here, and one in particular became a really good friend of mine. But then something else started happening between us and we dated for a few weeks. It was super lovely in the beginning, he seemed to care a lot about me and to want something serious. But then he apparently changed his mind and broke up with me.
    The thing is, we are a small group of friends, so we never really stopped seeing each other, or stopped being in the same places. I think he only sees me as a friend but I’ve been finding really hard to not want something more with him. Is it weird that although we were only actually together for two weeks and it has been almost a month we broke up that I still haven’t completely gotten over him?

    • Petra says:

      Well, I’d say the rebound period is very individual – how much it takes us to forget someone depends on how much they meant to us, how long we were together, but also on our personality, experience and how we are wired emotionally. The fact you are still seeing him regularly isn’t helping though. If you find a way to stop seeing him for a while I am sure you’d get over him sooner. But if you think it’s not possible then try at least to see some of his bad sides and not just the good stuff – sometimes we get hooked on someone for too long because we sugarcoat our memories with them. Also, his behaviour is much more important than his words, if he behaved/broke up in a way that wasn’t nice, he probably lacks emotional maturity and integrity to be a good partner to you, and you’re much better off without him. Once you realise that you will stop being enchanted by him and see that even though he might be good friend/company, you don’t really want anything more than that.

  20. Ann says:

    Hi Petra

    I am from India. I met a guy through a matrimonial site (similar to a dating site but the motive is to get married). We met once and conversed on the phone for about 2 months. We were really into each other and were making plans for our wedding and our life together. He was unhappy with his job then and was planning to move to another country and was interviewing quite a bit. He suddenly broke it off one day saying that finding a job was his priority now and he couldn’t juggle a relationship and that at the same time and that he was in a really dark place and he didn’t want to make me suffer along with him. I was completely heart broken. He completely broke off all contact with me. I tried calling him and e-mailing a few times and he wouldn’t respond. It has been about 4 months since he broke it off. I know that he has found a job now. I am kinda hopeful that he might get back in touch with me. I really think we are perfect for each other. Do you think I have reason to be hopeful?

    • Petra says:

      If it’s been that long and he hasn’t responded to any of your attempts to contact him, I’d say he is not interested any more. A man that wants a woman will pursue her, and won’t wait until she contacts him but will keep in touch no matter what dark things have happened in his life. But to be on the safe side, I honestly do not know – the only person who knows that for sure is him. Maybe he really had some big issues to sort out? Maybe, but I would ask myself, in your place – if a guy with issues and not responding after 4 months is really the right match for you any way. All my best!

  21. Koyena Saha says:

    Hey.I really need your advice.Well,I was in a relationship for 4 years.We became intimate and all.Then slowly,with time he became verbally abusive towards me.He used to leave me every now and then saying stuffs like ‘Go to hell.Who wants a girl like you?Your love is all fake and all’.. Then,I have to pamper him a lot and had to beg him to come back to me.This used to happen nearly every week.When asked,he used to say that the reason behind his abusive nature is how i hurt him in the past.yeah,I did hurt him earlier by dating a new guy after he broke up with.But I apologized to him millions of time.Though my intention was not wrong.I just wanted to move on from my boy friend who leaves me every now and then. Now again,he broke up with me that too over a mere text without giving me any explanation.He just told my friends that I always fight with him and this pisses him off so It’s his final decision to leave me.I feel heart broken,shattered.I don’t know how to console myself.I’v been calling him all day long.He never bothers to pick my call.He threats me to change his number if I contact him again.I still can’t believe that he’s again repeating the same thing though the previous day before the breakup he promised me for the 1000th time that he’ll change and he only loves me.I feel like a fool. I want him back. But don’t know how.I want your help.Please advice.I am going through the worst phase of my life till date.Help.

    • Petra says:

      You really shouldn’t be dating a guy who abuses you – verbally or in any other way. He does not love you. He never will. Stop calling. Stop begging. He is not worth it. What is it you can get from him you can’t get from anyone else? Why should you beg for someone to love you, apologise for things you haven’t done? Please think about that, why do you let people treat you like this – that is not how anyone should be treated, and you don’t have to endure it. When you realise how badly he has been treating you, you’ll be able to move on from this abusive pattern and find a nice guy. Wish you all my best!

  22. Sahil says:

    Hi,

    I need your help with my current situation. I liked a girl in college so decided to tell her, I did so we started dating, spent some time together. She was aware of my feelings for her but I could never understand what was in her mind, she never said if she had the same feelings for me, so I started doubting if I am with the right person or if I am giving my time to the right person. I ignored lots of people for her, cared about her more than others around me and give her lots of importance. As the time went on I decided to ask her if she feels the same way for me, we had a bit of argument which left the situation a bit messy so we decided to stay as friends despite me having feelings for her more than a friend.

    We stopped talking to each other for months, whereas we used to talk hours and hours sometimes friendly, funny and flirty. I didn’t see her for a very long time and didn’t talk to her either I thought everything is over, so I decided to move on as school finished and I thought I wont see her again, because I thought she might go different college and me different.

    After long time as I started college I got a text from her, she told me she is coming to my college and will be doing the same course as me which means she will be with me in the same class. She asked me if we can hang around together as we both were new to the place so I said yes, we start talking again, texting each other every night and spending most of the time together at college. After few weeks I started to getting my feelings back for her and I could not stop it, whenever she needed my help I was there to offer it, give her most of my time same as before and started caring and giving her importance again, but at times we were ignoring each other, pretending like we don’t know each other I don’t know for what reason. One night I decided to ask her what’s in her mind for me because I didn’t wanted to live the same life again, so I told her to talk to me face to face. Lots of people in my college were thinking that we are boyfriend and girlfriend because of the way we were acting with each other. So next day she asked me about what I was going to ask her, I asked her what is our relation status she said friends, I asked her if we are friends than why are we ignoring each other, why are we avoiding each other why are we acting like strangers at times, she couldn’t answer it so I told her if you want to stay with me we better avoid these stuff but if you don’t want to stay with me then completely avoid me, and I give her few days to decide.

    After few days when I saw her I thought she has made her mind up, but she didn’t say anything to me. So I decide not to text her regularly as I didn’t had clear mind about her. But every time she was texting me saying, my bus is late today I can’t make it on time, I felt on the stairs today my leg is hurting so much, no wonder what she wanted me to do about it. She carried on acting normal again with me, like talking to me hanging around and stuff, which again left me confused. I couldn’t manage to clear my head about her as she didn’t tell me anything apart from she said we are friends. Next day we had an argument over something and I behaved bad, I told her that I cared about u a lot I give you a lot importance but you didn’t understand it, so I decided to let go off her and ignore her despite having feelings for her and caring about her.

    I just wanted to ask you do you think it’s one sided and I should let her go completely and move on, or is it both side, and I try go keep hold of her somehow and put some more effort in. Maybe she wants me to stay as friend with her but it’s hard for me because I have different feelings for her more than a friend, I rather have her or not have her at all if she doesn’t feel the same way for me.

    Thanks

    • Petra says:

      Hi I do think your girl is not in love with you. You seem like a very nice and thoughtful young man, and probably much more emotionally mature than her. She knows you are in love with her. If she was in love with you too, she would want to be with you, not just friends. She is probably afraid to lose you completely, that’s why she is ignoring your request and acting like nothing has happened. You need to decide whether you want to keep her as a friend or move on completely. It will most likely be easier and faster for you to move on if you don’t communicate and see each other. Another thing to consider is whether you’d be comfortable being her friend if she found a boyfriend, which is bound to happen at some point.

      • Sahil says:

        Thank you very much, I was thinking of move on completely as well because there are so many people who wants to be with me, but for her I kept on ignoring them. Maybe I give her way too much importance in my life. I knew that she doesn’t have the feeling for me, but when she asked me to stay as her friend I didn’t say no because I didn’t wanted her to think I am a mean person, since she can’t be with me I don’t want to be her friend. I have stopped talking to her, but I see her on daily basis and she always stairs at me which makes me uncomfortable, I didn’t move on because I was hurting myself, it’s because she was acting differently with me and said few things which really disappointed me, so I thought why do I have to care when she doesn’t and at the end of the day I am not getting anything out of it, I am doing everything for her not myself. Now she has lost me both as a friend and as someone who cared and valued her more than a friend.

        Thanks for your help

        • Petra says:

          You are welcome. Your thinking is right – you were being considerate towards her, but she didn’t respond the same way. It’s only natural you want to give your love and attention to someone who will respond and love you back. Take care!

          • Sahil says:

            sorry one last question. the thing is she is always quite and kind of shy too, since I know her she hardly speaks to people, like when she is with me she doesn’t talk to other people, the only time she talks is when they talk to her. but I don’t know if she is also like that when I am not around, and she can’t look into my eyes, whenever I look in her eyes she moves it away, and when I catch her looking at me she moves away quickly and gives me kind of different look, sort of shy and deep. and she doesn’t talk to other boys in front of me to make me jealous or anything like that. I don’t know what all that means, its very complicated.

          • Petra says:

            Maybe she is just embarrassed because she knows she hasn’t given you a proper response when you asked. I am not sure – it’s hard to know what’s on someone’s mind without asking them, all we can do is assume. You could still try talk to her about it, that might resolve the awkwardness you both feel, and make it easier for you to be around each other.

  23. Ness says:

    My ex ended our relationship almost a month ago now after four years together. He said his feelings had changed. A week or so later I discovered that he’d been speaking to someone from work whilst with me and that they’ve both admitted to each other that they like one another. They are what appears to be close to being in a relationship – seeing each other regularly. He’s told me she makes him happy. I know I have to move on and accept this and I’m trying so so hard as much as it hurts. I’m utterly devastated and heartbroken, feeling replaced is awful. But part of me is stopping myself from moving on in hope that he’ll change his mind. I can’t seem to accept whats going on. He wants to stay friends and he contacts me often via text, he often tries to organise times for us to see one another. When I see him (as my stuff is still at our home – I go back to box things up) there is still some chemistry between us. He keeps giving me long and affectionate cuddles (even when I refuse them) and this is all just making me feel like there still could be something there. Do I cut contact for a while, try to move on and forget this. Or stick around and try to remain his friend at a distance? I don’t feel ready to give up on what we had even if he seems to have done so. Please help me 🙁

    • Ness says:

      He is my first love, this is my first heartbreak. I’d like to know if it’s possible to still be friends and move on? I can’t cut him out of my life (the thought is utterly soul destroying) but I am aware that I will need to move on from him. I’ve explained to him that maybe it’ll be easier to not be friends just yet and he firmly believes we can be. What if I avoided physically seeing him but was to talk here and there via text? Or would I be kidding myself.

      • Petra says:

        It is a tough thing to do, I know – but ultimately your recovery is going to be faster if you cut him off completely. It will be harder at the beginning, but you will start the healing process immediately and not postpone it. If you stick around your emotional attachment will go on, and as long as you feel he is the one for you and you keep being in love, your heart will not be available for someone new, so nothing serious can happen with anyone new. You will be single, but attached – and it will probably be an emotional roller-coaster. Even though staying in touch will give you some satisfaction and ease the pain of separation, you will keep hoping he’ll come back – and the mixed messages he is sending will just confuse you more, and probably still hurt a lot. And you’ll feel powerless to change it because the decision is in his hands. What he is doing now is not nice, he wants to keep you as backup while continuing to date another woman. That is not grown up behaviour. He should be aware that once he let you go, he may never get you back. But what he’s doing is trying to keep you interested, in case the new relationship doesn’t work out. And probably he still has feelings for you but obviously not the right kind.

        It’s ok to miss him and want him back, but if you stay in touch you are actually making it easy for him to keep you as backup and never really face the consequences of his decision – he needs to feel the loss to really appreciate what he lost. He may or may not come back one day, but who knows if you’ll still be there at that point. There is no benefit in lingering and waiting. If he comes back and you still feel like it – great, you’ll restart. But staying in touch doesn’t mean he will be more willing to go back to you, or you will somehow prove to him you’re the right choice for him.

        I know it’s even harder to bear all that because it’s your first love, and it’s harder to be objective about him or the quality of your relationship if you have nothing to compare it with – but I am positive you can find a guy who will treat you and love you the same, or much better. This relationship was a great experience, and now you know you have the ability to love someone and be a good partner, and that should give you confidence that it can happen again. As you get older and wiser, know yourself better, and understand what you want from another (which comes with experience), your relationships will only get better. If you’d like to talk about this more, feel free to contact me for a consultation (email or via CONTACT or COACHING page). Take care!

        • Ness says:

          Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it. I know deep down that you’re probably right. I think once my stuff is out of the home and I start to move on it will really hit him, but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to cut him out of my life just yet. I know I’m probably not thinking rationally, or clinging on for dear life but the thought is so final and heartbreaking. If it’s not going to be I would like to at least be his friend, we have a lot in common and he is my best friend. What if we had very LC and I tried to focus on myself, and on moving on? Could this work or not really? I’ve noticed I struggle when I see him in person, so maybe if I stopped seeing him in person and kept contact short and minimal we could keep in touch and be friends.

          • Petra says:

            It’s up to you… see how you feel. Nothing is good if it’s too forced. I just told you what I think would be better for you long term, but if it doesn’t feel right where you are now – that’s fine. Keep in touch with him, and see how it goes. Pick the level that feels right now. There is a valuable lesson in every path we take, and it’s always the best to listen to ourselves first because we will get the most out of the experience.

  24. Cyndy says:

    Hi Petra,

    Recently 2 months ago, I met this guy at an event and on that very day when we met, he started texting me very often, and told me he liked my personality and such. This showing of concern and chatting happened on a daily basis and lasted for a month where it gradually slowed down, with him initiating a conversation every few days or so till it stopped completely altogether. He knows my feelings towards him so i was pretty confused at the on and off signals. However, everything came to light when i heard from someone that he was in a previous relationship and from there i got the idea that i was a rebound or somewhat along those lines. So after speaking to him about it, he told me that he couldnt find it in his heart to accept me although he tried as he gets confused whenever his ex text him to try to get him back although he is determined not to get back with her ever again. Though being hurt and all, I can feel that he is suffering from trust issues and has formed a barrier with people around him. I confirmed this too from one of his closer friends who said that he had changed a lot since she first met him due to a sequence of saddening events that made him who he is today. I really want to help him out but he told me to keep a distance from him as he had hurt me enough already. How do you think i should approach him and what are the possibilities of him opening up to me and accepting me as a friend again? A point to note is that i am not doing this to try and get him (my heart is already pretty dead) but instead genuinely want to see him back to his happier and cheerful self again. Do you think that hanging out with him and treating him like how i treat my other friends would help? Or would it backfire and hurt him more?

    Thanks for listening

    • Petra says:

      You could try and be a good friend, that might help – or not – if you want to go there you need to do it without any expectations and ideas of what will happen as a result of your love and support. You do not control his feelings, he does. He is responsible for breaking out of his shell and realising there are nice people out there he could trust. That is not something you can do for him. You might be the best person in the world and he’ll still find a reason to feel hurt and disappointed by something you do once in a blue moon, and all your effort so far will go down the drain.

      The solution for you is to find someone who doesn’t have these type of hangups – there is no need to save people from themselves, especially if they don’t want it themselves (and he clearly said he doesn’t) – you’ll just end up being hurt and disappointed too. If you want to find love with someone, you should look for it with someone who is ready and willing to give it, right now.

  25. Ellen says:

    Hi Petra,

    I dated this guy for several months three years ago. We broke up solely because were going to different universities and I didn’t want long distance. Because there was no animosity we just went right to being close friends. We both have dated other people since and I have talked him through breakups and vice-versa. We see each other occasionally (just friendly visits) and recently I’ve been wanting to start something up. I mentioned that to him and he said he had also been thinking about it but because of the distance didn’t think it was a good idea. I felt rejected but got over that part after a little while. Now, though, I still can’t move on. I still think that we will end up together at some point and that we are so right for each other. Is this healthy? I don’t know how to stop thinking this way.

    Thanks for listening!

    • Petra says:

      Distance is a big obstacle to having a real relationship. Lots of things can get misinterpreted if you only communicate via the internet or phone. Things get lost in translation, emotions are either heightened because you can’t see each other much so you long for this person more, or you drift apart more easily – again because you can’t see each other much so other people grab your attention. In your case, seems you are both realistic young people and understand these limitations. He might be a good match for you, but he is not the only one out there. Since you are apart now, why not look around and see if there are any interesting guys who actually live close to you? If things are meant to be with your friend/ex, they will happen in the future. In the meantime, see if you can create connection with someone else who can give you their time and presence now. You have a win-win situation either way – you will find someone to love, or you will reunite with your ex when the time is right.

  26. Wade says:

    Hello I have had a very unique situation that is hard to get solid advice about. I started dating a girl who was 18 and I was 22. I had to leave the city we lived in and move 12 hours away to another one for work . We had a long distance relationship , what made it very difficult was her father not wanting her to be with me until she was 19. So we abided by his wishes and remained in a secret relationship where no one knew we were dating. Being in a long distance relationship was hard it would cost be $500 to see her for a round flight on a weekend . I didn’t go very often because again her dad was so restrictive . I eventually was getting overwhelmed with trying to make this work because I really loved her but was worried about making it work. I broke it off with her and she would text me saying how she loved me so so much and how she was praying we’d get back together. A few weeks passed and she asked if we stop talking . I agreed. A few weeks later I texted her to see how she was doing , she was very happy to hear from me and even sent a picture to me . When I told her I was having regrets about the relationship I asked to get back together , she said it was torture hearing me say that and so she again asked that we stop talking. I complied with her wishes. several weeks later she sent me a text out of the blue telling me about a sale at a department store . I took this as a sign that she was interested in me and it was her way of keeping communication open so I told her I wanted to get back together . She said she wanted to be single to focus on herself and make life chances , she also said for me to avoid getting in a relationship as it would be a rebound and it wouldn’t be fair to the person i would be with. I kept trying for weeks letting her know I loved her. She told me she liked me but couldn’t be with me . Soon she was saying things like I gave you a chance and I don’t have any more to give . I asked if it was over so I could move on , and she refused to tell me that it was. After three months of trying to win her back , over analyzing the relationship thinking of all the things I did wrong , I wrote a ten page letter saying all the things I did wrong, all the things I would do differently , and all the reasons why I loved her and appreciated her . I also said if I was given one chance it would be all I needed to make her my wife and remind her everyday for the rest of my life why I loved her so much. She told me she was out of chances and couldn’t get back with me , and she wasn’t convinced I wanted to fight for the relationship as much as her. I tried for three months because she kept allowing me to think there was hope. Well I contacted her friend , and she told me just three weeks after our break up she moved onto a guy who was just 18 years old , who her dad gave permission to date his daughter. I couldn’t believe it. I quit my lucrative paying job and went down to see her , she wouldn’t see me and instead I had to talk to her on the phone . She said she didn’t tell me about the boyfriend because she ” truly thought it was the less hurtful thing to do” and because her person life was her business and didn’t concern me . I am devastated, I allowed myself three months of intense scrutiny to try and win her back and quit my job to prove how much I was willing to fight for her and spend as much time with her as I needed to . She now doesn’t have any contact with me. I feel so awful because had I taken more flights to see her , or had I not broken it off we would happily be together right now. We talked about marriage and dated for an entire year , I knew her ring size , we wanted to have a small wedding so we could afford a nice honeymoon . I don’t understand how someone could say she loves me so much , that I was her soul mate , and she loved me to the moon and back , how she could move on so quickly! She got over me in just three months and then strung me along for 3 months because her personal
    Life was none of my buisness? And she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I blame everything on myself and these qualities of hers only showed post break up. all I think about is that sweet loving , kind , beautiful girl who was always there for me . It will sound naive but I truly feel like she was the one, but my own critical way of looking at things made me push her away , and afterward there was no reconciliation because I broke it off. What can I do it’s been 5 months and I’m still so so in love with her , and would take her back tommorow if I could.

    • Petra says:

      I know it’s hard to think of moving on right now, but that’s your only chance to find happiness in love again. This girl doesn’t want you any more, and whatever happened in the past – happened. You can’t get it back and you can’t take it back to repair it. Long distance relationships are always tough and honestly can only work if people both want to be together so badly that they are willing to overcome all the obstacles of not being able to see each other much. It happens, but it’s a long shot. You are very young and I am sure you can be a good loving partner to someone, so don’t linger over this girl – what you had was beautiful but obviously wasn’t meant to be. You are capable of loving someone truly and deeply and that’s what matters. The love you have in your heart is a treasure you can give – and you will never lose it. Just look around you and I am sure you’ll find at least a few nice loving girls who’ll be happy to receive that gift.

  27. Annonymous says:

    Okay so here it goes. This girl that I’ve known for about 4 years now, we’ve been good friends for a while, in year 9 we rarely used to talk but I would say that we were close but the feelings were never there but we would casually singalong with each other just normal things that friends do, in year 10 she went out with another guy but that relationship didn’t last I’m not sure how but it just wasn’t successful. Now moving onto the main year, year 11, we would talk everyday about random stuff and I completely fell for her in about the end of March, we started talking regularly in December time, It just hit me really hard that maybe she was the one. Then during April time this was when prom was fast approaching, I asked her to be my date to prom, I still cannot quite recall how she turned me down because she didn’t really say it to me but being the nice girl that she is, she didn’t want to openly reject me I feel. Okay about 2 weeks before prom, she put up a snapstory about a couple saying how they suit and I responded with saying that ‘ wanna know who else who would make a cute couple?’ obviously hinting at the possibility of us being together and she really thought about it but I didn’t reveal too much as my plan was to ask her out at prom. Now moving on to that day, well what can I say about that day, In a way it was very special, I was dressed in a tuxedo with a black bow tie, and without being vain or anything definitely looked very dashing, so towards the end of the night at about 10:00 PM, I went to ask for a walk and decided to tell her how i felt when we sat down and most of the people thought that we were going out as well, but she said that she liked me but she’s not ready for a relationship, I didn’t know how to respond this as this was the first time that I openly admitted that I really liked this girl well any girl as this was the first time I’ve told a girl how I truly feel about them, and now we are in sixth form and from my point of view I;m the one who’s still damaged by this but she’s completely fine about everything whereas I cannot get over as everyday she looks more beautiful than the other day. So umm yeah any advice guys?

    • Petra says:

      Oh I know rejection hurts and especially so since it’s your first love and you’ve been dreaming about her for so long. But she’s not into you. I wish I could tell you she’ll change her mind, but most likely you’ll have to find a way to move on and find another beautiful wonderful girl to fall for. It’s not the end of the world, hope this won’t discourage you from looking for love – it just happens so sometimes that the people we meet and feel really connected to don’t feel the same back.

  28. Hannah says:

    Hi my name is Hannah, I’m 20 years old and majoring in human services. I know I’m alittle younger than everyone on here, but I’ve always been a serious relationship type girl. Sometimes I seem too grown up for my friends, and people my age. I rush through life and I want to be married with kids now. But I am young. And I need to realize that. I was with my boyfriend for a long time, of course we fought off and on. I struggle with anxiety and depression, and my feelings have always been a little intense. As in, rage and complete love. Brandon(my boyfriend) about 5 days ago decided we need “a break” after arguing. He left me with not knowing why. And not having any clue where we stand for 3 days until he finally explained things to me. He says that before we got together, we were happy, we had good jobs and we never worried. Now I lost my job, I am not happy and I worry constantly. He said he wants to take a couple months to get back up on his feet. He wants me to do the same. He says he doesn’t want a relationship right now. And he won’t give me an answer when I ask him if he’ll give me a second chance when he’s ready. He still wants to see me. He is coming over later before work. And he wants to hang out Sunday. So I’m not sure what exactly his motives are. He says I am his best friend, and he doesn’t want to lose me because of that reason. He says we are similar in so many ways and he says I am super easy to talk to. And that’s why he wants to keep seeing me. He also says that we can still be affectionate. But slowly. He says we can still hug and kiss and cuddle but only sometimes. But he doesn’t want a relationship. I’m confused. of course I’m not questioning it, because I want him, badly. I love him with everything I have and I never want to lose him. He is perfect for me. So I just go with it. But I don’t exactly know what he is trying to do. What his exact motives are and where he stands. His relationship status on Facebook still says we’re together, and his fb profile picture is of him and me still. And on his instagram is still says “Hannah is my girl”. He checks these things daily. So if he wanted to change them, he could have already. It’s like he’s still holding on, but he just doesn’t want to focus on “us”, he wants to focus on hisself. Which, I totally understand. But why hasn’t he changed his social networks yet? Why is still wanting to hang out and why is he still okay with being affectionate with me? I don’t under stand. I tell him I don’t want to do this if he choses to leave after these few months. I told him I can’t keep going everyday with false hope thinking that he might give me a chance. But he just says ” he doesn’t know right now”. Everyone deserves a second chance. And he says he knows that, but he just doesn’t know right now what he’ll want after this “break”. I am suffering, and I’m basically being tortured, not knowing. I need advice, I need to know what exactly his motives are. If this was someone else’s situation, I would be able to know exactly what it is, but it’s MY situation and I only see what I want to see. I need someone who isn’t in my shoes to tell me what it sounds like he’s doing. He still says I love you, he saus I miss you too when i say it. But we “aren’t together” even though his Facebook and instagram say different. He wants to be affectionate, but he wants to focus on his self and he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m terribly confused and I’m very hurt and I just want to know what is happening. Can someone please tell me your opinions? It would mean the world to me. And please don’t sugar coat it. I need brutal honesty.

    • Petra says:

      Dear Hannah, I think the only real answers you can get is from your boyfriend. Nobody else can know what he’s thinking or feeling. From your letter, seems he has been pretty honest and straightforward so far, telling you just how he feels. But you don’t like what he’s saying so you are looking for other motives or reasons and trying to read between the lines. What if there is nothing between the lines, can you accept his wishes and acknowledge he needs to think about things? Looks like there are some problems or issues in your relationship, otherwise he wouldn’t do what he’s doing now. He is trying to deal with those issues in his own way. I don’t know if it’s the best way but seems that’s what he wants now – a bit of distance and breathing space. If you are uncomfortable with that, it’s fair to tell him so – but I doubt pressuring him into giving you certain answers when he doesn’t know them will help your case. You might alienate him even further. I think it would be better to give him some time and space and let him think things through. If he comes back, great – if not – you’ll have to move on yourself too. That’s life. Relationships fall apart and there is no guarantee that someone will stay by your side for a lifetime. And you are very young and you’ll see as you grow and mature as a person your relationships can only get better. Wish you all my best!

    • Dear Hannah,
      I went through something similar to this two years ago with my current “fiance” who is, once again, putting me through absolute hell. He spent 6-months telling me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me & wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He didn’t change anything on his social networks, either. We lived together, & it sounds like you and your boyfriend might not? We also have a daughter together, which further complicated things. It wasn’t as easy for him to simply back away from the relationship as it would’ve been if we had no children and were not living in the same house. (I own the home & he does not; & if I were to throw him out, he has no friends or family locally who can take him in.)

      Anyway, this went on for 6-months & it was awful. I lived in a sort of limbo where every day was a struggle to get through, & I just focused on taking care of my daughter, my studies in college, & keeping myself together at work. I cried a lot, was sick a lot, & the only time I felt truly happy was from the joy my daughter brought to my life.

      After 6-months, he came to me & said he wanted to try again, and I agreed, even though I was wary of it. In hindsight, I should’ve said no & ended it back then. Would’ve saved myself a lot of trouble and heartache. Here I am, 1 year and 9 months later, and he’s been doing the same thing to me for the past 9 months, only it is MUCH worse this time around.

      If your boyfriend is willing to talk & easy to talk to (mine is not & easily becomes verbally abusive & angry) the best thing you can do is get him to explain his motives & feelings behind not wanting a relationship right now. What is it about a relationship he doesn’t want? Is it something with you, specifically, or is it a relationship, in general? Does he feel he is too young to commit to one right now, but at the same time, does not want to let you go because he cares for you & sees so much good in you? If he will tell you what’s truly going on in that head and heart of his, then only you can decide if his motives are something you can deal with or not. Your heart will know if it’s worth waiting for & sticking around to see what happens, or if it is time to let him go & move forward with your life.

      I wish you the best! <3

    • Leanne says:

      Hi Hannah, the same thing is happening to me right now. He says he wants a break but he still loves me? I’m wondering how you two are doing now and what did you do about the situation?

  29. Jane says:

    Hi I’m 39 years old and my partner broke up with me 2 weeks ago, he is my first love and we have a grown up son together we got back together after 10 years apart and would have been together 6 years this Christmas. It’s not the first time we have broken up our relationship has been very up and down the last 2 years ( hi have bi polar 2 and do have some really bad depressive episodes where I can barely function let alone run a house, work and look after my kids) but after a week or so we always got back together this time it’s different something has changed in him rather than the messaging etc just to maintain contact even I’d it was to row we havent really had any contact at all, well I have contacted him and he has ignored me this week.
    I found out 3 days after we split he was on a dating site, not the first time he did it back in March to, however rather than just looking for friendship which is what he said he was just looking for the previous time he is actively seeking a relationship to say I was devastated was an understatement and I did a really stupid thing guessing his password and looking at his messages he’s been talking to a woman calling her babe and princess ( what he called me) and being rude. Of course I did and even equally stupid thing by letting him know I knew this and how hurt I was when he promised he didn’t want anyone else and it was never about the love for me. He said it was his way of dealing with the break up and that he will always love me and misses me to but wants me to move on and let him do the same. He’s had a rough ride with me but I really didn’t think he would leave me like this. He was only cuddling me up and telling me 3 days before we split how much he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
    I’m finding each day increasingly difficult to cope with and cant see any future for me at all. Everyone tells me to be strong and it will get better, it just doesn’t feel like it will. He and my kids are my world and I don’t know how to go on alone without him.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Jane, I understand this is very hard for you, but seems to me your relationship is/was quite troubled and the question is whether you still have enough that binds and connects you to justify getting back together. If you feel I could help you to explore that do get in touch. Wish you all my best.

  30. Natalia says:

    Hello, is it too late to comment?
    My name is Natalia, I’m 18 years old I go to high school.
    A bit more than two months ago I met this perfect guy. He is a bit older but not too old, just 4 years older. We met because we have friends in common on an event. I thought he was very kind and sweet and we started to talk. It was so easy to talk to him, it still is. When I left the event he walked with me and we just talked about everything and nothing. I don’t know how but I really opened up to him, and I am usually a very private person.
    We started to talk on facebook, and we texted each other and we sent thousands of snaps on snapchat. One Friday we met again, in the middle of the night and we just talked and then he kissed me, it was one of those very romantic kisses as if it was a movie.
    We continued to talk, and we met again, I came to his place.
    One thing is that I really trust him, I have some bad experiences in the past so the fact that I actually trust him says a lot.
    We talked the second time we met, and he said the he wasn’t sure about what he wanted right now since he just got out of a long term relationship and he didn’t want to give me any false expectations. At that point I just thought “fine” because I never have expectations about these sort of things, I am a bit scarred from before and I never really thought that I would fall in love.
    And that night everything was perfect but the next weeks were pretty awkward and then we met again and he was so romantic and caring, so we met again and again and I think I am in love.
    But we haven’t talked much at all since the last time we met and I don’t have the time or the energy to feel disappointed when he doesn’t answer me. Everything just feels weird.
    I don’t know what to do next, I’ve been trying to talk to him but he is so off and I just feel like giving up and moving on but I don’t know how to move on?
    Another big thing that complicates it all is that he now lives in a city 4 hours away, since he got a new job!
    I feel like if he wants to meet me and talk to me he would try? Wouldn’t he?
    I am very confused as you might have noticed by now, but I just need to hear an objective opinion.
    Thank you,

    • Petra says:

      Hi Natalia, thank you for your question. I would say your thinking is right. If he was truly interested he’d make an effort. If you want to be sure you can reach out to him and ask for an explanation, but don’t expect any outcome – whatever happens is legitimate. Meaning: if he ignores you, that’s a NO. If he says he is too busy / too confused / too something that is also a NO. Any reaction but active interest from his side means he isn’t serious about you and doesn’t feel like pursuing your connection or relationship.

  31. ignore_antz says:

    i am an attractive 34 year old man who plays the violin as my career and I feel deeply offended that so many of you women are holding on to
    the idea of a relationship with someone that doesn’t want you. I am so lonely, and this is how much you care…Zero! thanks a lot. sure I may have my own faults, but the one thing about me is when I am with you, you are my best friend. even a closer buddy than any guy. obsession is unhealthy. wish you cared more about some of us guys that would cherish every minute, even every sixteenth of a second with you. bye then! with love, Zachary.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Zachary, thank you for sharing your opinion and insight. If you feel like you would like some more input from me on your personal situation, feel free to contact me for a consultation (via CONTACT or COACHING page).

  32. Dear Petra: I have a very difficult situation: I have been with my “fiance” for 4.5 years, we live together, & we have a 3 year old daughter together. His 20-year old step-daughter and 15-year old son also live with me, & I love them like they’re my own. I have a wonderful, loving relationship with both of this children where the feelings are mutually returned, & lately, I am the only one who does things with them & helps them in their lives.

    The past 9 months, he has completely checked out of our relationship & stopped touching me, not even hugs or kisses on the cheek — nothing. Zero physical affection. He is rarely home & has missed important family events, like our daughter’s 3rd birthday celebration, by spending all his time at the fire station where he volunteers. He will often spend his entire weekends off up there, going straight after work on a Friday and not returning home AT ALL until Sunday afternoon or evening. He barely sees our 3-year old, let alone his son, who he has full custody of from his ex-wife.

    He constantly goes back and forth on his “feelings” for me, telling me one week that he loves me and wants to work on things, and 6 days later will say he has considered us over for months. I own my home & he has no where to go, no family to move in with, & in addition to not being here for me emotionally or physically, he also stopped supporting our family financially. As a result, I am about to lose my home to foreclosure from both my mortgage & home equity loans. He has agreed to start contributing (because I finally grew a backbone & threatened to evict him), & he claims that once he has my bills caught up he doesn’t know what he will do — as in, he doesn’t know if he wants to move out or stay here with me & work on our relationship. But he will look at me and say things like, “I don’t care how you feel at all. I don’t care about your feelings.” If I try to talk to him about emotional stuff, he will immediately become defensive and irritated and start the conversation out with, “What’s your problem now?” Or “What the f_ _ _ do you want now?” He is very disrespectful & rude & I already live the lifestyle of a single mom because he is home so rarely.

    Pragmatically, my head knows this relationship is long past over. I know there is no healing it or going back to what it was about him that made me fall in love in the first place. That man is gone, & I’ve no idea why he left, but the man I know now is NOT the man I met & loved over 4 years ago. I am desperately trying to “kill” my feelings for him, but it makes it so hard because we do live together & I have to see him on the occasions he is home. I never get that much-needed closure or solid ending with which to heal and move forward from, because his presence is like a knife that keeps cutting the wounds on my heart back open, causing them to bleed and hurt fresh daily. Sometimes, he can be very kind & I will see the “old” him shining through, but that is rare. I want to be cold and distant and uncaring like he is 95% of the time, until that day he FINALLY moves out of my home so I can get my ending & start the real healing process.

    Anyone have advice on how to take a situation like this & remain positive? Any advice on what to do when one partner inexplicably still loves the other, for no good or logical reason, but the other partner feels nothing, and yet, due to circumstances beyond their control, neither can simply and easily just separate their lives? I need to sort of downgrade my feelings so we have equanimity between us…so that I feel the same cold, callous way he does as we go through this until he’s financially able to move out. I just do not know how to make that happen! =(

    • Petra says:

      Dear Holly, my first advice to you would be to sit him down and talk about where your relationship is try to understand where he is now, and openly communicate how you feel to him too. If he isn’t willing to do that, then you’ll have to rethink how best to move on. But first do your best to have that conversation and see how he reacts. Let me know if you’d like a consultation – we can talk about this and your options in more detail that way (just send me an email via CONTACT or COACHING page and we’ll arrange it).

    • Petra says:

      I saw your second comment now – seems like you’ve already tried talking to him? In that case, I still suggest we talk to see how best to move on. It’s much easier for me to help you that way than in writing.

  33. Tom says:

    Hey. I loved your article but I really need some advice. So here goes my story (I’ll try and shorten it as much as possible).

    I started off as friends with the girl I was with. We met through mutual friends and over the course of time during college, we became good friends. She even got me my college job working at the food stand she worked at. Anyways, we would work a lot together so we even talked more and more. Flirted a lot and just laughed and made jokes the entire time we worked with each other. We planned a group zoo trip with our mutual friends because it was free day at the zoo. It ended up just being us which was no big deal. At the end of the trip we both saw something romantic in the other. A week later, we both said that we liked each other and started to date though our biggest concern was if we were to cross that line of friendship/romance, would we ever be able to go back? We just shrugged that question off and went for it.

    This is where things start to go a little south. One night after we closed up shop at the food stand, she asks me to walk her to her car so I did and during that walk she broke it off with me. All she said was that she thinks it would be better if we just friends again. Literally that’s all she said during that walk to her car. It happened so fast that I couldn’t believe what happened. It took me a couple of hours to even register what had just happened. She texted me a couple of days later to meet up and talk about it before we had to go into work. We talked about it but I didn’t get any type of resolve. We both agreed to just go back to being friends because we valued each other. Though things still didnt settle well, I tried to go back to the way things were. A month after that, I started to date someone else and she got back with one of her exs. It seemed things were fine. Unfortunately this anger was building up inside me because of what happened. This feeling of emptiness because I like felt nothing got resolved during our talk started to emerge. I was started to get mad at myself because of what happened and mad at her. I still had these feelings with her even though we werent really together that long. Seeing her and her acting like nothing had happened made it worse, plus her boyfriend would occasionally stop by the stand just to talk to her for a bit. I needed time away from her just to heal but I couldnt because mainly we worked together. I was forced to see her on a regular basis, plus we had mutuals friends. I came up with the idea to just ignore her at work. Looking back I know it was the childish solution but I feel like i needed to. A year later she would tell me that ignoring her was pretty harsh on her because she missed talking to me and missed how things were before. Going back to this point in the story, a month later she announced to everyone she was going to leave to study abroad next semester. I thought this was finally my chance to get some a lone time, some time to heal. So when she was gone, I was able to see other people and move on. I started to terribly miss her though by the end of the semester and I randomly decided to message her over facebook. We talked a bit. I was glad to be talking to her again and she said she was glad to be talking to me again. She was still studying abroad and I wouldnt get to see her for another month.

    When she got back to the states, we arranged to get coffee just before the new semester started. I wanted to be friends again and just move on. So we were just that for a while, we were friends and pretty much moved on. Things were going great. things were finally back to normal. Months later, my feelings for her came back in full force. She was dated some other guy at the time so I respected the fact she was with someone, even if the guy she was with was very controlling and protective of her. We would hang out as much as we could and she would even go out of her way to attend some of the parties/kickbacks we would have at my place.

    She started to very friendly like more than friend would act kind of way. So the days were coming closer were I was leaving to go back to my home state indefinitely. She knew that too which is why we complied a list of things to do together before I left to go back home. Like I said earlier, my feelings for her were coming back during this and even though she had a bf, I had to know for sure.
    Her bf knew of our past and wouldnt let me be alone with her 1-1. I needed to tell her how I felt and see if she reciprocated anything because I had a deep feeling she did. She was doing things a friend of the opposite sex wouldnt normally do, you know? Acting how she was before we initially told each other we had feelings for the other. Anyways I called her up and I told her because if I wasnt allowed 1-1 time with her in person, a phone call was the next best thing unfortunately. I told her I felt and she said she wanted to be with this guy. Heartbroken, I thought it best to go back home and not talk to her again or at least for a while.

    After a couple of months, we started to talk again. I even told her I was going to be in town for halloween and that I even had a couple of job interviews in the next town over lined up while I was there. She was super excited I was coming back for a week and even more so of the possibility of me coming back to town. Since I last saw her, she moved to said “next town over” and we had plans to meet up and grab coffee in between interviews. So i thought to myself again, one more time, maybe we can just be friends again but as the day came closer and closer to our coffee meeting. I was reminded how I felt after I told her how I felt over the phone and how devastated I was, I couldnt go through with meeting her for coffee and bailed a couple hours before. She told me later that she was upset that I didnt follow through and that she cried. She ignored me for a few months but then she shot me a text one day like back in january of this year and we started talking again. only within the few recent months like july did we talk a lot more frequently despite our distance, probably trying to make up for how we couldnt really talk to each other in person, we would have days where we would text all day. We would even talk over the phone for a couple hours a couple of times. Anyways to finally bring the story to where it is now, during these talks we’ve had. She managed to convince to come out to see her. (she is single at this point). She even said I could stay at her place and sleep on the futon she had in her apartment. I was a little hestitant but I went through with it because I also wanted to see other friends that I knew in her area as well as some back in where I went to school.

    So we planned together a list, a physical list of things we must do and complete before I leave her to go on to the next town. Anyways she picks me up from Union Station and she takes me to a speakeasy (that was an item on the list we had made a few weeks prior). we were catching on the week and everything. After the speakeasy, we went to trader joe’s because making peanut butter squares together was also on the list so we went to get ingredients. So after we did that we went back to her place and chilled for a bit and talked more about stuff. nothing really important just make jokes and having a good time. anyways she says one of her coworkers invited us to go out with them at this bar so we go. We take an uber there so there was no worrying about driving. Anyways, we got a little drunk and went back to her place where we talked a bit more and explored the internet together in our drunken state and while we were laughing, we hooked up.

    the next morning came around and she said she did not regret one thing but wanted to know if things would get awkward between us, she also asked me if we would/can be still friends after this. I said of course because making this awkward between us is the last thing I want. We also both agreed that long distance relationships suck and we didnt want to do it no matter how one felt about the other. I cant imagine my life without this girl in it and she said she feels the exact same way. So after we got that out of the way we talked more about us and even past experiences. She said the reason she ended things with me initially (this was 2 and a half years later) was because (she told me initially it was because it was her gut feeling) she thought she could see me in a romantic light but didnt and thats why she ended it. She was more concerned for me because she clearly knows, even before we did it that night that I still had clear feelings for her. Though after it happened, she said even her sister and mother told her that she was going to end up hooking up with me and she told them that they were crazy and it wasn’t going to happen.

    While we were talking, I had to ask her one question that’s kinda been holding back from anything. This girl lately, (a little of an exaggeration) has been ending friendships with lots of people, I mean not because she hates them or anything but because they just phased out of her life. My question for her was why does she still want me around as a friend if she knows I have feelings for her? I told her that if it was the other way around, I would probably think it best not to be friends with someone who’s professed feelings for me twice and I didnt feel the same way both times.

    she gave me two answers. first answer was that she cant see me not in her life but because she knows I feel about her she feels selfish for still wanting to be friends with me and the second answer she admits is kinda a fucked up thing to say but she said that she would barely have any guy friends if she ended the friendship of every guy who liked her.

    After our talk, we were going on with our plans like if nothing had happened the night before. We made peanut butter squares, we got brunch from this cafe she loves and where we met up with her friends, we watched a movie we both picked out from our liking. That night, she was reading some stuff on the internet as well as helping me with my cover letter and resume. we slept apart that night like I was on the futon and she was in her bed. we were both exhausted because neither of us really got that much sleep the night before plus we were both hung over that morning so we kept it pretty mellow that day which was nice. we woke up the next morning we talked again for a bit but then she left to go to some indian dance rehersal thing and I decided to stay at her place to just apply to jobs in LA, Bay area, and Denver and clean her apartment up. so when she came back we went to grab food and we had a great dinner. we talked and we laughed and we were glad that night’s events didnt negatively effect any of us

    so we went back to her place, i got my bags and left to go to the home of another friend of mine who was living in the same area as her. we hugged it out before I left her place and she was going to miss me and then we parted ways. This all happened like a couple of weeks ago.

    I am so sorry for writing you a novel but I thought some back story would help. my question for you is what do I do? I still have feelings for this girl. I cant imagine my life without her. Despite what’s happened, I don’t think she feels the same way for me. It’s hard even to imagine to because I live 1000 miles away from her. I dont know where to go from here.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Tom – it was a bit of a long letter, and I must say with too much detail at times. I do appreciate when people tell me their story with more detail, and it’s easier to help them if I have more info, but what I am more interested in is the emotional side and relationship dynamic, not what you had for dinner and why… sorry but had to say that 🙂

      You are in a tough situation, but you have to make a choice yourself for yourself, because you have no control over her mindset or feelings. Clearly she is not into you romantically, and you are into her so you have to decide whether this emotional imbalance is too much for you, meaning – making you more unhappy than happy. What’s more important, her friendship or being at peace emotionally? Are you going to be able to find someone new while you are still emotionally attached to her? Are you still secretly hoping she’ll change her mind? Those are all things you have to think through and make up your mind, what is best for you – stay friends (and accept the fact she doesn’t want anything more) or leave and break all ties so you can move on with your romantic life. If you’d like some help to make up your mind and explore the situation get in touch for a consultation. Take care.

  34. anna says:

    Hey plzz i need ur suggesstion ………..i really need ur help
    so i am 14 year old girl
    wen i was 12 my crush told me that he loved me
    i was the happiest girl
    ever
    I loved him soooo much truly deeply
    My parents never allowed me to have a bf so i had relationship with him by hiding everything
    from my parents
    I loved him sooo much
    then …….i found that he was a flirty boy
    he used to flirt with other girls he loved me a bit
    butt he used to talk to other girlss just to get attention etc
    he used to make me jealouse
    which hurted me alot
    my best frnd said he was not a good guy
    we had relation for 2and a half year
    my love grew for him day by day
    i know i am young but still
    then he got busy he gave me less time sometimes he used to get rude with me
    his frnds his company got bad
    so he changed
    he used to talk less and he used to express his love less for me
    he was my first love
    then i had breakup with him cuz i saw him talking to other girls
    i got fed up
    we had same kind of fight b4 this breakup 1 year ago on the same reason he said plzzz give me last chance so i gave him but wen he did thiss again
    we broke up on june 2014
    sooo thn my frnds helped me to forget him he used to mail me
    he used to lie that it wasnt me i was not flirting with the girls then sometimes he used to say yes i was the one i am sorry
    i am sorry plzz come back
    sometimes he used to show attitude he gave me abuses too
    he was a guy with different faces
    i decided that no i wont stay with him anymore
    sooo my frnds helped me
    i blocked him everywhere we used to ignore each other
    i was dying inside and he looked happy
    then i started to forget him
    then my other class fellow who was his frnd blake told me that he liked me
    he loves me
    He loves me sooooooooo mcuh
    i started to like him tooo
    but then again and again my first love sam used to come in my mind sam used to come in my mind again and again
    i loved sam soo much i guess i love him still
    but wen a new boy came blake who loved me since 5 years i started to like him
    we talked to each other daily but today we both had a fight
    he was veryyy sad bcz i couldnt forget sam
    he loves me alot he said i guess u need gap
    i am soo hurt i dont knw wat to do
    i knw i am being selfish with blake
    he loves me alot he is not like sam
    he truly deeply loves me the way i loved sam
    but today he was hurt
    he was crying
    and he said i need gap frm him
    i dont knw wat to do
    where as sam has started to smoke and he blames me that i am doing smoking bcz of u cuz u left me
    and blake says hes lying
    blake loves me sooo much but i cant luv him like sam i dont knw y….i cant forget sam.. plzz help i am havg severe depression i want to suicide i knw my english is not good but i tried my level best to explain my prblm plzz guys help

    • Petra says:

      Hi I am sorry you had to wait for this reply but I get many inquires and it’s not always easy to respond quickly to everyone. I think you need to talk to your parents or your school psychologist or counselor if you really have suicidal thoughts, that is very serious and you need help from someone grown up, not just your friends. Love and relationships are tough and you are still very young but you will find your way, just please ask for qualified help. From what you told me your relationship with Sam was quite dysfunctional and it didn’t have a future – it was good for a while but you are both just kids and you need to grow up a bit and mature emotionally to be able to be in a happy and healthy relationship. You are probably still in love with him and that’s why it’s not working out with your new guy either. I think it would be good for you to be on your own for a while and give yourself time to get over your ex, and heal emotionally before you enter a new relationship. Please ask for help, I can help you too but I think it would be much better to look elsewhere and work with a therapist / counselor who works primarily with young people like you. Take care, wish you all my best.

  35. Ben says:

    I read your article right after the break-up and now after 3 months, I cannot move on….
    I knew this woman for over a year, I always felt more for her but figured she didn’t want me. We had a really intense friendship, she was the one person with whom I shared everything. Not one day past by without any messages or calls. From the beginning there was this special tension between us, first she said she didn’t have feelings for me but in summer finally there were several times she wanted to kiss me and more which I first didn’t get or didn’t want since I told her I only wanted a relationship if she was sure about it and her feelings.
    In August finally I “gave in”, we had 2 weeks together before I had to go abroad for an operation, she made me promise under tears to come back. We kept contact over phone, she told me, she loved me and why I couldn’t come back earlier.
    The moment we saw us again she was distant and avoided my contact. After 2 days I confronted her and she told me that she changed her mind and that she couldn’t be with me and after what had happened we couldn’t be friends anymore.
    My world is shattered and I still can’t understand and don’t know how to move on. I lost the woman I love as well as the person I thought was my best friend. I know I cannot force her to love me and a person who lets you down like this when you are just coming out of surgery is not a very good friend – but I miss her. As much as she cried in summer when I said I was not sure when I can come back as easily she leads now her life without me….and I am stuck….

  36. anna says:

    Hey plzz i need ur suggesstion ………..i really need ur help
    so i am 14 year old girl
    wen i was 12 my crush told me that he loved me
    i was the happiest girl
    ever
    I loved him soooo much truly deeply
    My parents never allowed me to have a bf so i had relationship with him by hiding everything
    from my parents
    I loved him sooo much
    then …….i found that he was a flirty boy
    he used to flirt with other girls he loved me a bit
    butt he used to talk to other girlss just to get attention etc
    he used to make me jealouse
    which hurted me alot
    my best frnd said he was not a good guy
    we had relation for 2and a half year
    my love grew for him day by day
    i know i am young but still
    then he got busy he gave me less time sometimes he used to get rude with me
    his frnds his company got bad
    so he changed
    he used to talk less and he used to express his love less for me
    he was my first love
    then i had breakup with him cuz i saw him talking to other girls
    i got fed up
    we had same kind of fight b4 this breakup 1 year ago on the same reason he said plzzz give me last chance so i gave him but wen he did thiss again
    we broke up on june 2014
    sooo thn my frnds helped me to forget him he used to mail me
    he used to lie that it wasnt me i was not flirting with the girls then sometimes he used to say yes i was the one i am sorry
    i am sorry plzz come back
    sometimes he used to show attitude he gave me abuses too
    he was a guy with different faces
    i decided that no i wont stay with him anymore
    sooo my frnds helped me
    i blocked him everywhere we used to ignore each other
    i was dying inside and he looked happy
    then i started to forget him
    then my other class fellow who was his frnd blake told me that he liked me
    he loves me
    He loves me sooooooooo mcuh
    i started to like him tooo
    but then again and again my first love sam used to come in my mind sam used to come in my mind again and again
    i loved sam soo much i guess i love him still
    but wen a new boy came blake who loved me since 5 years i started to like him
    we talked to each other daily but today we both had a fight
    he was veryyy sad bcz i couldnt forget sam
    he loves me alot he said i guess u need gap
    i am soo hurt i dont knw wat to do
    i knw i am being selfish with blake
    he loves me alot he is not like sam
    he truly deeply loves me the way i loved sam
    but today he was hurt
    he was crying
    and he said i need gap frm him
    i dont knw wat to do
    where as sam has started to smoke and he blames me that i am doing smoking bcz of u cuz u left me
    and blake says hes lying
    blake loves me sooo much but i cant luv him like sam i dont knw y….i cant forget sam.. plzz help i am havg severe depression i want to suicide i knw my english is not good but i tried my level best to explain my prblm plzz guys help

  37. anna says:

    plz tell me some solution

    • Petra says:

      Hi Anna I will respond, please be patient. Thank you!

      • Helen says:

        Hi Petra I’m only 15 but I’ve had a thing with a guy for almost a year we dated three times and the last time was 3 months ik that’s not very long but idk how to like anyone else anymore. He knows so much about me and he was my first kiss and first bf and idk it’s really hard to get over him. He has cheated on me a few times but the last time we dated he admitted to it and said he was sorry an that he loved me but I need ur help. How do I get over him.

        • Petra says:

          Yes you are very young, but I understand your concern. Try to let go of this idea that just because he was your first kiss, he had to be the best guy for you. That’s not very logical, otherwise most people in the world would be unhappy, because most of us haven’t stayed with our first love. You will have more and much better relationships in your life, you will see as you grow and mature as a person, your love choices will become better, and your relationships happier. First love is usually just first, not best or biggest. For now – give it time, it will take some – and you will have good and bad days before you start feeling better for real. Organise your life around other people, not him – spend time with friends and family and people who love you, and you will gradually forget about him. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you have to make a conscious effort to move on, and your heart will start to heal. In no time you’ll start noticing other boys, many much nicer and more interesting than him.

  38. Ernest says:

    I am a man over 65. I speak from experience of a lifetime. Breaking up is a very hard thing to do. But a parson , a old man over 80 told me.” Any relationship can have a short shelf life or a long shelf life” This small gem advice I wish I had learned as a kid. Haha! Here a twist.
    I broke up some years with a woman who was a bit of a naughty one. Or rather she broke up with me., At the time she said a similar story to me that a relationship can last a few weeks, months or a few years. I was to find out she had been married 4 times in 6 years.She was just getting rid of husband no 4. I almost was number 5!!!!
    Yes we all have these experiences. Life is a school. Just get up, dust yourself off and move on.

  39. Andee says:

    I am certain that the man I have recently ended things with is the man for me. The man I’m supposed to marry. We’ve been together for 3 years, lived together for 2 of those years, and have been engaged for about a year when he ended things with me, and we were sincerely happy, I thought. I’m 21, he’s 25. I lost my job about 6 months back so we could not afford our apartment anymore. We said it would just be temporary and we both moved back into our parents homes. His mother however, has never had any positive feelings for me. Although, I’m not sure why, and the whole 3 years I bent over backwards trying to win her approval. We had an argument one night about a video game, becase he would get off work every day, and play this game until he went to bed and our communication had become very minimal because of this when he moved back to his mother’s home. We were screaming, he threw a burrito at me, and told me he hated me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. So, I took my ring off, laid it quietly on their kitchen table, and walked out. He didn’t call, he didn’t answer mine, and he didn’t text me back for…

  40. Andee says:

    about a week. Then we slowly started to try to work on the issue we were having, and he told his family that we were getting back together. But, the argument we had that night (which no one was at his mothers house but us two), gave his mother the leverage to tell him that I was no longer welcome at her home. When he told me this, he was crying and I was crying. So, I called his mother. Respectfully, I asked her why I was no longer welcome, and that I was sorry if I had ever made her feel any negative way towards me. Her response as to why was “Because its my house and I don’t want him to be with you” and she hung up the phone on me. The only reason I have been able to fathom why she feels so strongly towards me, is because I took away all the attention from her first son. That wasn’t my fault. There was a time when I KNEW that he loved me. We weren’t like a normal young couple. I really thought we were both in love. We never got tired of one another, we never had issues with other girls or other guys, we were perfect, I thought. And now, since that happened with his mother, things have went completely downhill. He says we’re over and it’s too hard, but I can’t bring myself to stop fighting for what I love. It’s been about 2 or almost 3 months we’ve not been together. We still talk some, but he mostly just gets mad and yells at me, cause I always end up crying cause I’m so depressed when I hear his voice so seldom now. I’m lost, I think it really is time for me to move on, if he really wanted to be with me, he’d stand up to his mother, right? I’m just depressed. I can’t get to sleep hardly at all anymore, and when I do manage to finally fall asleep, I can barely manage to get out of the bed in the mornings. I haven’t put on make up or really dressed to impress since this has happened. He was my first boyfriend, and I love him more than anything. I don’t know which way is up anymore… I guess I just need someone to tell me how to deal. How to move on. And most of all, how do I know if this is really the right time that I should move on, or is there still hope?

    Thanks for reading my novel,
    AB

    • Petra says:

      You are heartbroken and you need to heal to be able to move on. I know this now hurts like hell but you will get better. Is there hope you’ll get back? There is always hope, but the real question is – do you want to keep lingering on a thread of hope? Do you want to be in this limbo, waiting for him to return when you can’t do anything about it but sit and wait? The only way to save your relationship is to sit together and make it better together. But for that, you both need to want to stay together. If it’s only you – there is no point.

      You are very young and this was probably your longest and most mature relationship so far, but that doesn’t mean it was really healthy or good, or supposed to last forever. It looks like it was great to you because you have nothing better to compare it with. Your relationship was perfect when you started, and most are when we are fresh in love – but it didn’t stand the test of time and pressure of real life challenges. Which happens to many, and much older people than you. Relationships are hard, and the best way to get better at them is to learn from your mistakes and become better at it next time, as well as wiser in choosing a good matching partner. I know you think your ex was a great match for you too, but – if he was, you’d still be together, and he wouldn’t let his mum decide who he can or cannot date.

  41. kelly says:

    Hi i was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years and I have known him for about 6… we have been broken up for about a 1 1/2 but we have remained in contact ever since. He broke up with me, but to this day he still tells me he loves me… we hang out spend the night together etc. However he will not commit again because he says he is ok with being single for right now… I love him with all my heart… but I can’t deal with this anymore. We live in the same city and everything reminds me of him… since our break up I feel like I have been in a fog just hoping he will change his mind and commit again… I feel like giving up hope and was thinking about moving to start fresh in the next couple months so I won’t be able to drive and see him and to put some distance between us hoping I can finally move on with my life… I am really looking for some advice. Thank you so much

    • Petra says:

      I think we’ll need to have a consultation for me to give you some credible feedback – let me know if you’d like that. Just send a note via COACHING or CONTACT page. Sorry for my late response.

  42. Toby says:

    My ex and I live together, and can’t move out until the contract is up in three months. We both still care deeply for each other…and I’m still in love but she isn’t. She does not want me back “right now” she says. My mind knows we’re done for, but my heart keeps telling me to fight for her. And it’s painful. But I don’t want her out of my life, and she doesn’t want to be out of mine. We want to be friends. And the problems I had that ended the relationship – I’m getting help for them. If I can become a better person, someone her and I can both love, should I keep fighting? Even though there’s a risk we won’t get back together? She’s a great person to be with, and if you saw us together – even now – you’d see the love we have for one another. This is tough….

    • Petra says:

      You should keep fighting for your own sake, and become a better person because that will ultimately bring you love and happiness. But, it may not be with her. If she doesn’t want to be with you as a partner, that is her own free will – there is nothing you can do to change her mind for her. There is no guarantee you’ll get her back, but if you concentrate on being a better version of yourself, your chances of getting her back are increasing. The love you have can last forever, but it may transform into friendship. It would be best if you both felt the same – either wanting friendship, or love as partners, but the worst is when one person wants to be together, and one just friends. It puts a strain on a relationship because it’s not mutual. If you’d like to discuss more, please do contact me for a consultation.

      • darris says:

        My girl left me and told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore won’t speak to me anymore sends a bunch of mixed messages she told me to move on she may date.

  43. Diya says:

    Hello!
    I really need some help:
    I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years in a long distance relationship. I love him so much. But of late, he isn’t being able to keep me happy. I want to be with him..but i want to be happy too. I literally wait for his calls. Even now, when he calls me, my heart skips a beat. But he doesn’t share the same eagerness. He says it is almost routine for him now. I don’t feel special anymore. I want to be in contact with him all the time, but I have significantly mitigated my desires as he doesn’t like that too much. But what do I do? I don’t have the courage of moving away from him. I fear losing him. I miss the way we used to text previously. I miss the way he used to make me blush all the time. I miss all of it. And I really want it all back. I want to feel wanted, craved for, and special again. But as he doesn’t like calling much, I end up calling him, which again makes me feel how casual he is about our bond, as if it just exists. I love him so much, and I don’t wanna lose him. What do I do? Should I move away from him? Please help me.

    • Petra says:

      Hi, I am sorry but your relationship isn’t real – and it will never be if you don’t start dating him in real life. Then you will see if he really is the man for you. And if you really want him. Texts and calls are fun but you’re not having experiences together, and that’s what makes a relationship real. It might be the reason he cooled off – it’s simply not satisfying him any more. Think about why you even want to have a long distance relationship in the first place? What’s the fun in loving someone you can’t go to a movie with, kiss, hold hands with…? Why didn’t that happen yet? 3 years is a long time to love someone from afar. Take care!

  44. Meg says:

    I’d been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years, in a long distance relationship. We’d had our ups and downs, we’d argue a lot and get upset at each other. He’d be constantly playing a video game and it was taking over his life along with our relationship.. Last year I found out that he’d been seeing girls from said game while we were together. I broke up with him, but we ended up getting back together because I believed that he could change his ways. We’d been going well for a good while but there was always doubt in my mind that he was going behind my back to do heart breaking things again. I will admit that I wasn’t always the nicest person after I’d found out about his other girls, and that I got upset really easily on many occasions.
    I noticed that he’d started to pull away from me too. He never had time to spend with me anymore, he was always busy with this game and with the people in the game. We’d Skype every now and again but it never lasted long because neither of us had anything to talk about and then we’d just get annoyed and upset at one another.
    Recently we’d started going through a rough patch again with him never being there and me getting moody at him when he finally took the time to reply. Today we had an argument, he said that he loves me and that he wants me to still be in his life, but he likes someone else now. He’d been going behind my back to flirt with this girl who is 16 (he and I are 19). He’d blown me off on several occasions when I’d asked to hang out with him only to later find out that he’d been with her instead. He told me how she makes him so happy, how he can laugh and smile when he’s spending time with her and that they never have an awkward conversation. He liked her before when he was seeing other girls but cut off contact to salvage our relationship. He reunited with her two days ago and since then he’s been so distant and he’d get defensive when I asked about any girls he was speaking with. At one point he told me that she was no one and that he wasn’t interested in her at all, he kept telling me how I was the only one he could love while all the time he would rather be with her.
    I’m heartbroken and devastated to say the least; we broke up today and it was probably for the best.
    I love him so much, I feel that I’ll never be able to find someone else who I will love like this. I know that I’m young and that I’ll have many more opportunities to find someone who will actually appreciate the time and effort I put into a relationship.. Every part of my mind is screaming at me to beg him to take me back; I cried for hours today just thinking about what I’m going to be missing out on, all the promises that we’d made and all of the things we talked about doing together. I’m angry that he’s going to have a new girlfriend within a few days and I’ll be left with nothing. 4 years doesn’t seem to mean a lot to him and that really depresses me because those 4 years meant everything to me.
    I hope that in 3 months time I can look back at this point in my life and see how far I’ve gone. I hope that I can overcome this disaster and find someone to love.. But it’s so difficult when he’s all that I’ve loved for that amount of time, when he’s all that I think about and want.

    • Petra says:

      Hi, I am sorry you feel this way but please understand online and long distance relationships are not real. They have no real substance and that’s why you had nothing to talk about and got bored. Why not find a guy you can actually date? You are very young and you will find someone new for sure, but please make it no-distance relationship instead. At least then you’ll be a part of your boyfriend’s life and you’ll know what’s really going on with him. This way it’s just smoke and mirrors, he could be dating 5 girls on the other end and you’d never know. Why would you even wonder?

  45. Jasmine says:

    So Me and my next door neighbour decided to give things a go last November, we both agreed it was nothing serious and enjoyed it for a few months. But around Christmas time I was into him a lot more than he was me, but we were very coupley and I kept going along with it as I thought ‘it’s better to be with him and him seeing other people than not at all’. I’ll try keep this short but our thing went on until April where he ended things because he ‘didn’t feel the same about me anymore’. And it was a bit awkward for a while but we got back to a good level.
    Because we are students we were away all summer and we kept in touch as he was travelling. And I started seeing someone else but in the back of my head I knew he was quite right and we didn’t get on as well as me and my neighbour and I ended things.
    We came back in September and we were closer than ever. We got on better than ever as we were best friends again. However slowly my feelings for him crept back. Last month we had a chat and I said I still had feelings for him, and he felt bad as he didn’t know he was hurting me still. He thought things were ok between us. And so I asked for 2 weeks avoiding him to sort out my head. And it happened and then 2 weeks later we hung out again. I thought i’d just accepted that he didn’t want me because I heard him say it but eventually the feelings came again and we had to have another chat.
    He was a bit more angry because he said he can’t do or change anything, and I want to keep seeing him.
    so we’ve not brought it up again. I’ve just tried to avoid him and be polite and civil but not hang out with him or anything. And this worked for 4 weeks. I’ve been feeling better, i’ve been having fun. And i feel bad saying it but it felt good that he thought i didn’t need him. But I know deep fdown I miss hanging out with him. We have all the same interests and he’s my best friend. But yeah, these 4 weeks I finally thought I was getting somewhere but 2 days ago I ran into him, just taking the rubbish out, and he invited me in for a cup of tea and since then we’ve hung out all weekend and i’m right back to stage one.
    I’m thinking how much I like him, even though I know he’s not the best person for me.
    I know i’ll be fine eventually, i’m stupid to thing I won’t. But i’m just so confused… we get on better than ever, we have all the same intersts and everything and i realise i just have to accept he doesn’t want me – which I have. I’m just sick of being upset about him and still liking him. I really don’t know why I still do. I’ve tried making a list. I’ve said to myself why do i want to be with someone who doesn’t even want me.
    I’ve tried everything, and I know all the facts, i’ve read all the articles. I’m just worried that I won’t be happy again until I graduate in June and move away from him.
    But even then I don’t want to lose him as a best friend. I think that’s the problem – I’m struggling to come to terms with losing him as a best friend as well as knowing he just doesn’t want me.

    sorry for the rant. I’m only 21, i’ve been heartbroken once before but that was by a silly school romance. This seems like someone who I could actually be with forever so i’m struggling with the concept that I won’t meet someone who I get on with as well, or makes me laugh like he does.

    again sorry for the rant, i’m just really struggling.

    • Petra says:

      Hey, no worries. I understand how you feel and it’s tough. I am not sure if my advice can help you at this moment, because you are so in love and you may not be ready yet to see reality. The thing is, you will meet people who will be as good or a better fit for you. You are way to young and have too little experience in relationships to really know what kind of person will really fit you. You don’t know if he is that great of a match for you at all, because you have nobody to compare him with. I know you think the fact you understand each other so well is reason enough, but how do you know it can’t be better? How do you know nobody else can give you that? Your emotions are clouding your judgement, that’s why you can’t move on, that’s why you can’t decide with your head because your heart is too strong. But, if you two were really meant to be together, you would be. If you heart doesn’t believe that, you’ll have to let time and distance gradually make your feelings go away. But please do think about what I said, and try to see beyond your current situation – better boys are awaiting and there is no reason to linger over someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Your relationships will only get better and deeper as you grow and mature. And one day you’ll look back and see how this was just your first love, not your best or only one.

  46. Sean says:

    Me and this woman have been messaging on Facebook for 8 months. We have seen each other once in the the last 4 months. She is “seeing” someone and I use quotes because she met this guy on a dating site over a year ago and she has yet to know his last name or even go on a date. But I know she really likes him. They only meet every few months and it’s sexual. I know I’m just here to fill in the emotional side and the gaps of what she’s not getting but it’s still hard for me to walk away. I like talking to her and would like to be a good friend but I don’t think I can if I look at her like I do. She knows how I feel and knows it can be difficult for me but still initiates messaging me most of the time. She takes up a lot of space in my head. I see the red flags it’s just hard to use common sense. I’m really weak when it comes to her and struggle setting boundaries. I really like her and wish she’d just come with me. I guess one positive is I’m doing a lot of soul searching. Just a major struggle.

    • Petra says:

      Hi there, I am sorry you feel this way but this isn’t real – and neither is her relationship with the other guy. Why not look for a girl you can actually date? I know you can fall for someone over the internet too, but what future does that relationship have? Why would you be emotionally tied to someone you can’t see whenever you want? Plus people online do that all the time – “date” multiple people, and don’t really care for neither of them. Please think about that, if you want true love and connection you won’t find it in purely long-distance relationships.

      • Sean says:

        Thank you for your reply.

        • Petra says:

          You are most welcome. I know it wasn’t what you were looking for to hear, but I hope it helped. I am trying to be honest and straightforward as much as I can without hurting people, but sometimes you have to be brutal to help people wake up from their illusions. It’s great you are asking questions and looking for answers, that is the best and fastest way to find happiness and love. It’s a long and winding road, but the rewards are always worth it. Wish you all my best.

          • Sean says:

            I appreciate the honesty. And I’ve known that this isn’t good and that I’ve just given my emotional side too much power over my logical side. 🙂 I’m really glad I’ve found this site. It has been a great source of comfort and wisdom.

          • Petra says:

            Thank you Sean. Always happy to hear that people appreciate my work and it’s actually helping them 🙂

  47. KT says:

    I just had a nasty fight with my best friend who is a guy. We’ve been friends for years and have been there for each other through thick in thin. He helped me through my divorce and I have encouraged him through many a break up. Our children love each other and us and I simply can’t imagine life without him. A few months ago I realized I’d developed feelings for him. I kept that knowledge to myself because I didn’t want to complicate the relationship. Finally, after a fun evening of hanging out all night, I told him how I felt. I was totally not expecting the reaction I got. He got angry, refused to discuss it and now won’t speak to me at all. I am hurt, angry and confused. I honestly would have been fine if he didn’t feel the same way but this just seems cruel and unusual. I know I should just wash my hands of the situation and him but I miss him and our friendship. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Petra says:

      Hi, I have no idea, it is indeed a strange reaction. I would have to put it into context of you, him and your relationship. If you gave me more information, I’d be able to help you understand what happened. Other than that – it’s best you ask him for an explanation once the situation has cooled off a bit. If that isn’t possible, do contact me on email or via COACHING/CONTACT pages and we’ll arrange a consultation. It’s better to talk than write, much easier to get to the bottom of things.

  48. Caz says:

    I am sharing a flat with someone who I thought was in love with me but is in love with the nanny to my other flatmates baby. I went away for a few weeks and he said he missed me a lot and was very upset before I went, when I came back I decided we needed to talk and the ineviatble happened. Turns out he was upset as he found out about her new relationship, not that he has spoken to me about this. The next day he said we could carry on in secret, but I felt he didn’t even want to do that but felt trapped into it in case I told the rest of our flatmates. I said I was worth more and didn’t want to do that, it was a big change from the Friday and talking about having children. However he kept asking about the nanny’s love life and knows when she’s on facebook etc, so I think I was some kind of re-bound and he’s still in love with her. I know she’s seeing someone else, so does he. I’m finding it really difficult to share a flat and am now avoiding him (I think he is avoiding me too and upset about having to see the nanny daily). I can’t really move out and keep veering from thinking I hate him (I told him via email that I deserved better and that we should both move on and that I felt used, he has not responded) and thinking that if I just wait he’ll realise that she is not going to be with him, get over it and be ready for a relationship with someone who wants to be with him. I am very confused and know that I should probably move on, but it’s really difficult seeing him all the time and makes me lose my resolve as does seeing him hurting so badly about someone else with no care for how I feel!

  49. NIkifor says:

    Oh where do i begin. What i feel right now is just pain loneliness and confusion.
    Its just like the saying the mind says “no” but my hearth still very much hopes for a miracle.

    I had a girlfriend that i adored so very much. I though she would be the woman that i would be forever with. It was not one sided, she called me soulmate (she said that first) we talked about how many children we want, what house we would love to hove. Last time i saw her she even joked about weeding rings. Because i was planning to move to her city, moving abroad was in my plan all along. Then after that visit things turned sour, she became distant i heard from her seldom and she didn’t do any of the things that a person that would love you would do. No more sweet dreams every day or good mornings no random chat ups. When i asked her what happening she always told me that she is busy studying because she is graduating university.
    This sounds like she started cheating and she founded someone else, but i am sure she did not. One of the things i liked in her the most was her honesty, she did not lie and she would break up with me before cheating on me. But when something is wrong she tries to distant herself or does not feel okey with talking about it and ignores it.
    The thing is i loved talking with her about so many things i loved being close to here they way she smiled the small things she did the way she expressed herself. They way she thought was so mature, she could be serious and quite funny when she wanted. You know how there is no need to explain why you are having fun and liking someone. You either do or don’t. We had so many common interest and i am guilty of keeping contact wit her until couple of days ago(we broke 6 months ago) i tried to be only friends wit here, it worked for a while and i would lie if i had no hopes to get back with here when i move to Italy. But a week or so ago she told me she had a new guy in her life. And it broke me. I wished all the best for her i truly do she deserves it she deserves to be happy. She didn’t had it easy moving to this new country. But i wanted to be the guy that made her happy not someone else. My dream was to move to Venice(were she is) and get married, then after the break up i wanted to move to Venice and maybe fix things up and now what…
    I tried to do a closure couple of times, the few friends i have left through the years advice was to leave her and never contact her. That is great but those friends that i had were exactly 2 people. If i stopped talking to here i would lose 1/3 of the people i talk to daily basic. So what about the closure: It went like me explaining how i feel about her that even if does not love me anymore and sees me as a friend i don’t see her only like that. I told her numerous times that i may have to stop talking to her, that maybe i will never contact her cause i need time to forget her. She responded that i have all the time i need cause she views me as one of her greatest friends and one of the most decent people she knows. That she is sorry it did not work out that she does not know what happened maybe it was the distance or the time but she does not feel the same as me all the things that she said when we were together was true and she though it then, I am afraid that even if i am able to forget her to move on it would mean that she will never be in in my life as a friend or otherwise i don’t see myself being only a friend with her. I have never been only friends.with her. I think its not possible. Right now i am trying to do a closure again and don’t talk to her i don’t know if it will last cause i wake up thinking of her, i go to bed thinking of her. This night i had a dream that she just had written to me and i was so happy just because she wrote saying hi and asking how i was.
    And then there is another problem i am finishing university soon i have one more semester and i am done with my bachelor degree. So the chance to find a woman and madly fall in love with her in university is null. Also my university is pretty bad no students in it, a ghost town-there not even a dorm. And with 100% certainty i want to move to another country because i am studying psychology no bread for that line of work in my country. I still want to move to Italy because of the counter, climate, food, and legendary welcoming people. Well then what is the problem? I don’t know a single person in Italy. Only my ex-gf. She is a decent person i am sure that if i am in a pinch and in Venice she will help me out or hang out with for a bit. But i think all that bother to read this know the obvious pit fall here….
    What to do i think i am not in easy situation here… one of those situation that there is no win option.

    • Petra says:

      I agree with your friends, there is no choice for you but to move on. She has, and you have to accept her decision. She still wants to be friends – but you can’t be because your feelings are different. So what are your choices: pretend to be friends hoping she will change her mind (very painful for you, especially if she is dating someone else already), or move on and forget about her (at least for a while, while your heart heals and your emotions towards her change into pure friendship). Unfortunately, the third option – make her change her mind – is not possible, because we can’t influence how other people will feel or think. I think your biggest problem is the fact you feel you’ll never again find anyone like her, anyone you’ll feel so connected to. Think about it, and see why that is. Why do you feel there is nobody out there for you but her? Out of all the billions of people, and girls living close to you – is it possible that your only true match is one that lives in another country, and doesn’t even want to be with you? That is not true. I know you can’t see it right now because you are blinded by your emotions, but the sooner you realise it, the sooner you’ll feel better. And give yourself a real chance to find someone new. Maybe even better than her. Maybe just as good. Who knows? The only thing that is certain is that she is not the only living person on the planet who could understand and love you. Wish you all my best! Take care.

  50. Danielle says:

    Thank you.
    This helped some.
    Reality sometimes bites.

    • Petra says:

      Thank you Danielle. I know it’s sometimes hard to hear things we feel and believe might be just illusions. But it’s good to wake up from illusions, it helps us break through and crush them in order to get closer to ourselves, closer to real happiness and love. Just keep looking for your answers and don’t be afraid of falling, falls are a necessary part of real growth. Wish you all my best.

  51. Meghann says:

    I met a man 9 months ago who truly changed my life for the best. I had never fallen in love like this. I am 31 years old and had never felt so loved and cared for. I was truly happy and excited to see where this would go. Well about 4 months in we broke up b/c he said he had no intentions of every getting married- it was the most painful experience…..until now. We tried to remain friends but were still lovers and even acted as if we were still together – but “officially” were not. The only time we fought were times relationship was brought up – He started telling me about commitment issues – and how he doesn’t know if he will ever get married. I couldn’t understand how I could love him so much – and we could have such wonderful times – why he doesn’t want to commit to me. The last two months were so great with him – it led me to hope and believe that this was all going to work out – I was going to get my happy ending. Until relationship was brought up again – now it has changed to he will never marry me and we will never have children – he just doesn’t feel it. I am devastated to say the least. I know what is best to move on and love myself and know I am worthy of love. But why can I not let this go! I still feel within my whole being he is the one for me. Why does my mind and heart refuse to believe his words? Why am I fighting so hard? I am worried that he still wants to be friends and this cycle will continue. The happiest I have been was with this man. And I know he still wants to be friends…I am so stuck.

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know why he can’t/won’t commit, but the real issue here is, as you’ve noticed yourself too – why do you still think he is the one for you? If you want a committed relationship then this is one of your no-compromise criteria. It’s the same with having kids, or some important beliefs about life, if you disagree with your partner on those, there is no way your relationship will be happy. I know you feel there was a lot of good stuff, and that’s your reason for thinking it could work. But, the problem is that even if you have a lot in common, and you have fun and good times and good sex – if there is one crucial issue you disagree on, and you both feel very strongly about it – that’s it. That’s much more important than 50 other smaller stuff, because over time the good times will fade and you’ll start arguing and resenting each other for this big one. There are a few more aspects here I see we could talk about, but I’d need more from you to see what could be the other issues. If you’d like a consultation – it is free, we can talk about this in more detail. Just send me a request via Coaching or Contact page and we’ll arrange.

  52. James says:

    I have been loving my ex unconditionally.We have been together for 5 years.Till one day out of selfishness,she dumped me for someone else.Maybe in our relationship there are a lot of fights.Though i love her with all my heart.She told me she knew i really love her but she was sorry she doesnt love me that much.She want us to stay friend.We have been in a long distance relationship.So most of the time we video call.She told me sometimes she miss a lot of thing about us.Sometimes she gave me a small kiss after a call and said i love you.

    I thought she want us to get back together but when i start to talk something about this,she will be annoyed and insisting that she doesnt want to talk anything about us anymore.She also reminded me that i should by now acknowledged well enough about her feeling towards her new guy.I know feeling cant be controlled but is it wrong if i envy how much this new guy could make her fall in love to him in a very short of time while she never able to love me that much?

    From that moment i just realized our feeling never reciprocated and i am just her short getaway.I try to stay friend so that i dont lose her but it seem like i only putting myself in too much pain.Maybe i meant to lose her.There’s nothing left for me in this relationship and i am so mad with myself at the fact that,i couldnt move on and my mind and my soul are stucked with this person.There are days i feel so down not knowing how to do this.That frustration i had is too much to bear that i got depressed.

    • Petra says:

      I am sorry you feel this way – but you are right, your only way to get better is to move on. The pain will gradually go away, and then once you are ready for something new, try not to get involved with someone long distance again. Those relationships are very hard to keep going, and they are not real relationships. Unless you decide to get together and live close enough so you can see each other every few days at least, it’s all virtual. You can’t know how much you really love someone unless you spend time with them in reality, and share your life with them. Wish you to get better – and if you feel I could help you do get in touch via Coaching or Contact page.

      • James says:

        We knew each other in college and always spent time together for 2 years.We both got places in different University,and different countries,that we had to separate.so it’s not totally a virtual relationship.We promised each year we will meet every summer break and we did but not this year.We planned to finish off our study and stay together.Thing was good,infact was wonderful a few days before the breakup till i found out she had been texting someone else.She confessed it to me.I forgave her,giving a second chance thinking it must be hard to miss someone and being alone.When i thought everything was fine,she told me she had started talking to a guy who she told me not to feel worried about.Someone she said just a close buddy and a friend.A guy who actually try to hit on her and succesfully did it.She even love this guy much more than she ever feel towards me.

        That’s all our love was about.Even until these days,i was confused what i am over the 5 years of relationship.Whether it was love that had lose it sparks or just someone she hold on to before she could find someone else.Sometimes deep in my heart i feel like she really loves me but she gone through too much stress,she no longer certain of what she feel.

        Whatever it was,staying in this relationship only destroying me because i could not erase my feeling and it was a great frustration to be in between two people.

        • Petra says:

          Long distance relationships are really hard to maintain and keep – so please don’t beat yourself up. You did your best, it didn’t work. It’s nobody’s fault, you were simply too far away – she missed attention and connection, and she started looking for it elsewhere. It’s just hard, so please think about this in your next relationship – and try to avoid being apart for long periods (years). Wish you all my best.

  53. TIM says:

    I’m 24 years old and probably just lost the woman of my dreams. We’ve been talking for 3 years, and only went on 3 dates. We live an hour and a half away from each other so it’s always hard seeing each other.But, the reason why I’m writing this is because we had a fight the other night about her thinking I don’t want her to meet my family, in which I do. She the woman I love. She also wasn’t happy when I brought up the past. Anyways, we had this little fight and I apologized for everything. And a couple days later she invited me to dinner with her family on her birthday and I said yes absolutely. This would be the first time meeting them. Because we really don’t see each other often which is both our faults. But, I wanted to spend time with her to reconnect. A week before all this happened she said in a text almost said I love you after our convo on the phone. So it was a big deal for me seeing how I already said I loved her. Then 3 days before her party her mother contacts me for an invite to that party and I said yes again. Than when I told her that her mother contacted me for reservations she responds maybe you shouldn’t come Saturday because I don’t have the same feelings for you anymore. I mean, that ripped my heart out. I called her the night before to apologize for the fight and maybe come clean with anything she had to tell me and she didn’t. So it came as a surprise. Because, I thought everything was settled between us. Then, I asked her if there was anyone else and she said a guy contacted her when we were fighting but that wasn’t the reason why this was happening. She didn’t know why she was feeling this way she just said I don’t feel the same way about you. I was asking her all these questions and she kept saying she’s sorry I never meant to hurt you and I wanted to tell you the truth so you don’t come up to my party for no reason. She also said that this one was all on her and I understand if you get mad. So, I got angry and said some hurtful things but, never did I curse at her or call her names. So, we haven’t texted or talked for a couple of days. And in that time I realized this wasn’t her fault it was mine. So I sent her a text tonight on her birthday apologizing yet again even though she hurt me. But, I didn’t want it to end on a bad note. I said I still love her and want very much to be with her that it was my fault and blah blah. I meant every word in that long page I wrote her. It’s a complicated situation and I’m still upset over it. I’m sorry if this not the right post to do it on its just that I have no one to talk to about this.

    • Petra says:

      Hi, I see a number of problems here, on both sides, that might have caused your relationship to end. I’d love give you a bit more feedback but it’s hard to guess what’s exactly the issue, I’d have to know more information about you and your relationship. Would you like to talk about it? We can have a consultation, just send me a request via Contact or Coaching page and we’ll take it from there.

      • Tim says:

        Unfortunately, I found out she cheated on me. I’m just upset that she lied and lead me on for weeks. I mean, she’s already over me within 2 weeks. 3 years and she forgets me in 2 weeks, that’s what eats me up. Im so angry, I really would like to go up there and talk to her face to face to actually tell her how I feel. And she told me over text…she’s a cold, disrespectful, immature woman.

        • Tim says:

          I’ve made some mistakes yes, but, I was trying to mend them. She made mistakes and I forgave her so, why couldn’t she forgive me? But, she’s with another man and as mean as this sounds I want her relationship to end badly with her getting her heart ripped out of her chest. Thank you for your response Petra

          • Petra says:

            You are welcome. I hope you’ll get to a better place. It just seems to me your relationship wasn’t in the best shape – sometimes love is simply not enough. Take care

  54. Kiri Smith says:

    Hi Petra,

    Thank you for your article and I’m sure everyone on here appreciates your considered responses and hopefully those who are still struggling will take you up on the coaching sessions – as I may well do.

    My story? I met a guy when I was in my mid twenties. We had a tumultuous start but eventually lived together. He was considerate and kind, and treated me like a princess. For many months, we were happy, but before long I felt suffocated by him. He often wouldn’t go out with his friends unless I came, and he couldn’t bear the thought of us sleeping in separate rooms when I had an early start at work the next day. He was also completely unsupportive of my career, which was just taking off at that point.

    Fast forward a few more months, and, at the age of 28, I wanted to see the world before I settled down. I felt stuck, and bored, in my relationship. He couldn’t agree for me to go travelling. I ended it…and spent the most wonderful two years travelling…something I will never regret…which bettered me as a person.

    He started dating a girl, and things moved quickly. When I was a year into my travels, I found out he was living with this girl. I wondered if I had made a mistake. I came back for a visit and he ended things with her, and we got back together. He always knew that I was going away again, as all my belongings were in another country and I was only half way through my trip, but I thought we could make it through. Within weeks, though, he’d decided that he couldn’t cope with the distance, and stopped talking to me, saying he “felt like second best and didn’t know where things were going”.

    I came home. What had he done? Got back together with the other girl. Then, horrendously, we started having an affair. We only slept together a handful of times over a two year period, but it was more an emotional affair. I asked him to leave her, and did everything I could to convince him that we were both now in a place where we could make things work. He told me he felt too “guilty” to leave this girl, because she had “made him feel so much better when he was down about me being away”. Eventually, two years ago, at Christmas, he told me that he “didn’t think he loved anyone” and couldn’t see me.

    This is why it comes back at Christmas. I’ve only seen him once since then, around six months ago. He told me that “I am the reason he’s not got married…his friends say I’m his kryptonite…he thinks and dreams of me”…but he is not leaving her “because he is so grateful to her”. Perhaps I was utterly selfish all those years ago. Perhaps I made a huge mistake. Since him, I’ve not met anyone who has cared so much for me and, at the age of 35, I feel deeply saddened. However, for those two years after I came back, I could not have done more…and a big part of me says that if he truly did love me, he would have left this other girl. So perhaps I made the right choice.

    Two years on from that Christmas, I’m still stuck in this cycle of thinking about what I perceive as a ‘loss’, of MY mistakes…and dreading the moment I find out he’s marrying her. I want so much to be free from this.

    • Petra says:

      I think you definitely need to move on and stop thinking he is the solution. If he was, you wouldn’t feel suffocated in the relationship, and you wouldn’t want to go on a 2-year trip around the world without him. You two simply were not a good match, but it looks like it’s taking you both way too much time to realise that. Not all is lost, and you can still find a great partner, but I honestly believe it’s not him – and the only reason you keep going back to him and hoping he’ll come back to you is because you haven’t been able to find someone new. And that doesn’t mean he was the one. There are probably other layers and issues, but I can’t tell you what they might be without talking to you. Let me know if you’d be interested in a consultation – so we can explore and dig a bit deeper.

  55. Seriously says:

    That is very difficult.

  56. Lost and wounded says:

    Hi Petra,

    Thank you for the article. I just want to tell my story and hopefully get some responses & help back.

    Two weeks ago, my boyfriend left me. We had been living together for 4 years, we got a dog a year ago, we work in the same industry and all my friends are his friends and vice versa. He is now 28 and i am turning 30.

    When I met him, he was just like anyone else. Very good looking, quite of an ego but a nice guy who completely fell in love with me. he was running after me, I was not so sure about us. Felt like we were from different planets. Time went by, I got “used” to him and we had common things, fun vacations, fun with friends and we were building a life together. But then something happened, I got him to start his own company, i helped him a lot to build up his empire, and out of sudden he got extremely successful. As time went by, the company became more important than me and less and less time was devoted to me.

    In addition for not having time for me, he also was drinking and partying quite a lot. He kind of wanted the quiet, family life, with me, but at the same time go out with the boys and have fun. the only problem was, he never quite handled his alcohol consumption. He could get really drunk and make a total fool of himself. And I complained, gush I tried to make him grow up.

    During these 4 years, he has not been treating me with respect. Some might even call his behaviour as emotional abuse. When he has been drunk, he has been calling me with names and been mean to me. He has cancelled our plans, he doesn’t want to talk about things, he always put his business first and the last year, all his time has gone to work and that is all we ever talked about. Also, during the 4 years he has broken up with me at least 10 times, and always cried me back. And the fool i was, I always went back to him.

    I have been so scared of being alone and starting my life all over again, that i have not managed to cut it off when I’ve felt that I have not been treated as I should be. Now, he broke up with me 6 weeks ago and once again, came crying back and told that i am the love of his life. I told him, this is the last time, and what did he do? he definitely did not improve his behaviour, it almost got worse. And now, two weeks ago, he finally called it quits. The only thing he said was this is over. I can not see any future for us. we just fight all the time. YES, WE FIGHT BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE A CHILD AND A RESPECT-LESS JERK!

    Now I am a total wreck. I have moved out from our apartment, found myself a place to live in and been crying non stop for the past 14 days. I just want him back, I want my life back. I want back the future we planned together.

    Everyone around me are saying, you have been dealing with so much crap, you have not been happy, how come you want him back? He doesn’t deserve me. (yeah, that is what even HIS friends are telling me) But the only thing i can see is that we could have had it good if he had tried. If he had made an effort. why didn’t he?? why doesn’t he see his part in the whole thing??

    I am so bitter for everything he has done to me now. I believed in him, I helped to build his success, I thought he loved me, I thought we could make this work. And now, when he is on the top of the world, he just leaves me like a piece of trash. After EVERYTHING i have put up with, EVERYTHING i have accepted, EVERYTHING i have done to him.. I think this is so unfair and I feel completely lost. My only hope is to get him back and i feel so damn desperate. But I haven’t contacted him since, maybe because i know the answer.. This is it from his side.

    I have an amazing career, large network of friends and colleagues, I keep myself in good condition and I am very outgoing. Everyone are saying, you will have it good. you have nothing to worry about. He is the one loosing. But the only thing I can think about is him. I am scared of him meeting someone else, him having MY future with someone else. I feel so lost, depressed, and I can not find any happiness in anything. He has barely contacted me since the break up, just to talk about practical stuff.. Why hasn’t he realised that what he had and want to change his behaviour because of me? Why can’t he see what an amazing woman he had?

    It’s just unfair that he is so OK with all of this and I’ve been left picking up my pieces of self respect that I lost years ago.

    • Petra says:

      Oh where to start. First of all – this guy is emotionally immature. He didn’t change because he didn’t see he was the problem, or he simply didn’t have enough energy/will/desire to change. You lingered because he kept coming back saying things will change. He broke off his promises every time again and again, but you are still there. You were treated badly and you still want him. Why? Is he really the one? Do you really want to date a child for the rest of your life? Because he will not change because you love him so much. He will only change if he realises that he needs to change. And you have absolutely no control of when and how that happens. Obviously, losing you was not motivation enough. He doesn’t care enough for himself to change, and he doesn’t care enough for you or your relationship to change, and he doesn’t want to be with you any more because it has become too painful. It’s painful for both of you, and you keep hurting each other over and over again. In that sense, his final decision to break up was actually the most mature thing he did. You are now suffering not because you lost him, but because he beat you to it. It’s pure ego – you want him to be with you because you invested so much in him, but what you don’t realise is that nobody wins if you get him back. And since he hasn’t learned anything – any girl who will get him will suffer the same as you did. He is not good news, and you shouldn’t envy him or his future girlfriend. The one you need to concentrate on right now is you – if you truly believe you are this amazing woman, then you should raise your bar and find yourself an amazing man, and stop saving your ex from himself. Because you will never succeed and he’ll never appreciate it the way you want him to. I am sorry to be so harsh but I think this is the only way you’ll hear it. There are most likely other things you need to think about – purely about yourself, why did you allow this hurt to go on so long, and why do you feel you don’t deserve better. If you’d like to explore this and see how I can help you get to a better place – please feel free to contact me for a consultation. I promise I will be nicer and gentler next time 🙂

  57. Priya says:

    hello..

  58. aloka says:

    i met this guy from university he is career obsessed boy but he is such a self less good hearted boy, i started to love him like never before, we are good friends, and i thought he has same feelings towards me because he was very nervous when talking to me, and i have seen him looking at me, so i literary thought he like me as well, i spent terrible 6 months this one sided love concealing my heart, and my friend told me that you should tell him how i feel because he was very silent boy, but i never did that,my friends had called him without my acknowledgement, and had told i liked him very much, but unfortunately he has told that he got so many priorities to focus and he had mentioned that he is telling like this not because he does not like me but he does not have time for an affair, he has asked me not to wait for him.it”s been 3 month after this incident but still i can’t get over him, we remain as friends but i m terribly hurt, and i have no word to express how miserable i am. i did not want an affair all i wanted was to know whether he liked me that all, still i cant leave him because i want to know whether he likes me. i am ready to forget him if i can get the right answer. please tell me what should i do

    • Petra says:

      I understand it is painful – but if he doesn’t want to be with you there is nothing much you can do. You can ask yourself though: why do you want to be with someone who isn’t in love with you? What makes him so special or attractive, what does he have that any other boy doesn’t? Is he truly so special that you can’t find someone who will have the same or better qualities, but also be interested in you?

      • aloka says:

        he always try to be with me as a friend which makes me so painful to treat him like just a friend,but i can’t remove him completely from life though, but i know if i pretend to be friend
        i won’t be able to forget him ever

        • Petra says:

          Hi, I know it feels like that now but trust me you will get over and forget him. At least in a sense that it won’t be painful any more. Life has a way of taking care of that 🙂

          • aloka says:

            thank you very much Petra, i am so grateful

          • aloka says:

            i am afraid that i won’t be able to forget him ever

          • Petra says:

            That is only up to you really. I know it’s hard to see there’s life after him, but there was before – right? You did not think this way before you met him, so why would your life now be defined by him? If you’d like see how you can best move on, we can explore that during a consultation. Let me know via email or Contact / Coaching pages.

  59. KD says:

    Hi, after seven months post break up I’m still heart broken,although I have had some good times and bad over the months. My biggest hurdle to the break up is us not talking about it in person. It was all text and email. After more than a 4 year relationship he asked me to move in. I wanted to spend my life with him and his son. We were a great team and he and I had so much in common but also complimented each other in many ways. I left upset one day, he thought I left permanently, not what I meant. I think I was hoping he would come and hold me. He eventually sent a text asking me to get my stuff. I was hurt and upset. Not what I wanted but I said I would and played tough, like I don’t need you. Well that is my regret, I said it but didn’t mean it. I hurt him. I tried to talk to him a couple days later, he wouldn’t talk. I regret my bad communication then and when he asked me to move in. I wanted something more romantic. He finally let me talk but said it was still over before I showed up. So I didn’t say what I needed to, like I said things I didn’t mean. I still love you and we should talk. We both admitted to bad communication as of late. I just started to cry and said I had to go. I said I love you. He said it back. I spent some time learning about communicating g and relationships, thought I would improve. Then I asked to talk in person and he said no. I tried a couple weeks later. He said he won’t meet because he doesn’t have to. My hard time is, saying what I didn’t mean, not taking my one i person opportunity to talk and having him have such a hate towards me he won’t talk to me. He was my love my best friend. So yes I have been thinking I will never find anyone as good who has so much in common with me. Who compliments me the same. I guess I also wanted to know he doesn’t hate me, just we can’t be together. I wanted peace before he dated again, I didn’t get that so with yhe holidays without him and him being with another woman has been tough.

    • Petra says:

      Don’t beat yourself up, if there was enough love text and email would be enough. You’d find a way to get back together regardless of the mode of communication. I am a big advocate of talking and resolving issues in person, but if he was really in love with you, he’d make an effort. It simply didn’t work out between you two – and I doubt it was just because of the way you communicated in the end. Your differences must have been deeper than that.

  60. Burgerqueen says:

    This post is such a big help to me.

    I was in the most wonderful relationship for 4 years. We talked about marriage in our first year but then stopped talking about it. He always implied that we would be breaking up with no future. We broke up when he moved back to his country with a 13 hour time difference this year in February. We kept in contact daily since he left. He said he wanted to keep in touch with me still. I did it as I still loved him and hoped that we could be together again. This continued for 9 months. Then he told me he wanted to ask a girl out for coffee. This devastated me. And it was like going through a breakup all over again. I couldn’t sleep or eat or function. Took me two weeks of no contact to try and make sense of it all. We re established occasional contact but on Christmas Day he called me when I called him to wish merry Xmas. He told me the coffee date girl is now serious and he will be married in 6 months time.

    He said he liked this girl and things were going well. They only have had one date but The parents have already met. In the four years we dated, he never told his parents about me. His parents and her parents are conservative Muslims. He said he doesn’t love her like he loved me but he hopes in the future she will make him happy. And that he’s making the best decision for both of us and so I can finally move on.

    For past 48 hours I’ve rung and msgd him. Distraught. But last night I said my final good bye. We both cried. And wished each other happiness. I’m hoping that in 3 months time I can finally move on.

    • Burgerqueen says:

      I would appreciate your feedback Petra. It’s only been 24 hours of no contact and I am suppressing all my urges to call him again and ask why he is doing this.

      • Petra says:

        I am really sorry you feel this way, but please understand this – he is not coming back to you any time soon. People from countries where arranged marriages are still a big thing, and religion and family is a very important factor in choosing your life partner – will in most cases choose duty over love. Love is simply sometimes not enough, because they feel obligated to follow their religion and tradition above all else, even if it makes them miserable to leave someone they love – it would make them even more miserable if they were ostracised and rejected by their family. This boy might have loved you (and still does), but that is not enough in his world. He decided to go for what his family tells him, and that is the end of the road for you two. Please think about these things when you choose your next partner – religious beliefs are a very important factor in success of any relationship. You were probably very young when you started dating, and you didn’t think of any practical things – like living together, following tradition or social customs, raising kids etc. – but when you are marrying someone you need to be on the same page with your partner in such big decisions if you want to have a fair chance of being happy long term. Relationships are hard enough even without fighting whether you’ll take your kids to a church or a mosque to pray.

        • Burgerqueen says:

          Thanks for your reply. How can I move on without the thoughts of him being happy with another person? While I’m so sad? Do you think I should try and seek answers from him?

          • Petra says:

            You can try and seek answers from him. But don’t expect a particular answer – or you will probably be even more hurt and disappointed. He may not be fully aware himself what he wants and feels. You think he is happy now? I wouldn’t bet on that, if he still loves you he is probably very much torn and unhappy for not following his heart, but his parents’ wishes. He is much more tormented and trapped than you. You shouldn’t envy him or the girl he is with. Would you consider yourself lucky if someone chose you because his parents told him so? Would you be happy to know there is someone else he left for you, someone he truly loves? This whole situation sucks on so many levels, for you and for the other woman, but primarily for him – and he is the key for it. He is the one making you, her and himself miserable. But as I said – it’s hard to resist duty and tradition if your whole life evolves around it. You are in a much better place than him – you can pick and choose whoever you want to date or marry, while he can only do that if he decides to part ways with his family.

          • Burgerqueen says:

            Thank you Petra. Thanks for your advice and such great insight. I did call him and you were right, he couldn’t give me the answers. We cried again and wished each other well. I’ll move on from this. I’m scared but hopeful of future. I’ll take this experience as a learning opportunity so next time I meet someone I’ll closer to finding the one. The love we shared in four years will mean that I will never settle for anything less, but strive for something better.
            Thank you once again.

  61. Brenna says:

    Hello, I was just thinking about my ex and started to google stuff and this blog popped up. It truely affected how I feel right now. I meet a guy when I was 19 and I wasnt looking for love because we worked together. But he was different I feel hard for him after we started hanging out more. We were young but I was so in love I didnt care. He was such a good boyfriend and I believed we both loved eachother. It was the best time of my life everything was good for the first year. We were so happy together. But as we got older things got serious he wanted to move in together and I didnt feel like I was ready. But things were still good but now its been about a year and a half that we were together and things started to change. He bacame more distant and we were fighting which we never done before like I said he was a good boyfriend. But out of no where he decided to break up. And When he did I didn’t cry which is odd because I loved him so much but in my heart I kinda feelt the same. But he changed and became more social and I was devastated. We decied to meet up and return everything then we ended up talking for hours and he said he wanted to travel and do things and maybe in the future get back together which gave me hope. But it wasnt the same we stopped talking and now its been almost 3 years that we broke up and I found out that he moved on rather quickly and is in a new relationship with a younger girl and now they just had a baby. And only been dating barley 2 year’s so now im more sad and depressed. I have no friends and no one new since we broke up. I didn’t think he would move on so fast and start a new life with someone else. I want to be happy and move on but Im so hurt inside. I would love some advice and maybe some feedback.

    • Petra says:

      I am not sure why you haven’t been able to move on for so long, but I do agree it’s time to do something about it. 3 years is a long time to be looking back and grieving for a relationship that, seems to me, simply came to its natural end. Maybe you are unable to find someone new because you think he is the one, and nobody can compare to him, or what you had together? I wrote another post about that could help you find those answers: Nobody compares to my ex. I am sorry I can’t give you a more precise assessment – I’d need more information from you to do that – so I suggest we have a consultation (it’s a 30 min Skype call). If you’d like that please contact me via Coaching or Contact page.

  62. Brenna says:

    Thank you. Yes I agree 3 years is a long time to still be hung up on him. Some days I dont care but other days I do. You see I am 24 now and I just thought my life would be different. I believed that we were going to start a life together but I know that will not happen. But im trying to start a new life and try to move on thats why I wrote this. And wanted some advice.

  63. Brenna says:

    Also your link isnt working for the skype call

  64. Ness says:

    Hi Petra,

    I’ve left a comment before and found your response very helpful – although I’m still finding things difficult. Me and my ex have been apart now for almost 3 months. We’d been together almost 4 years and were living together in the last year. We were each other’s first love and I’m finding if difficult to fully move on and accept that it’s over- he doesn’t help this which makes me almost feel that there is still something there and a connection despite the fact that the break up was painful and confusing. And even despite the fact he now has a girlfriend!

    I’ve been dealing with my own issues in the last year and had been feeling very low for various reasons – I took a lot out on him and didn’t really recognise how much I was taking this out on him. It wasn’t until after the break up that I took control and have seeked help. His feelings had changed and to make matters worse he had developed feelings for a girl he works with. Almost immediately after our relationship ended he pursued this other girl and now they are an item. Yet he continues to keep contacting me despite me telling him it’s too difficult for me. He comes across very jealous and almost obsessive about other male friends in my life and when I have seen him in person recently he kissed me. I appreciate he sounds like a sleaze bag – but that’s the thing this isn’t behaviour that I recognise. Because of all this I have tried to cut contact as he’s obviously confused and I’m not happy with this merry go round. But yesterday he contacted me to tell me a close relative of his is very unwell. Im finding it hard to stick to the no contact due to the situation. Despite the way our relationship ended we had a very loving and happy relationship prior to this. We become best friends during our relationship and have been through a lot together. I know it’s not my role to be there for him and I’ve told him this but he’s saying he feels I can help him and I’m who he wants to talk to 🙁

    I still love him and it hurts to know he is with someone else, yet every time I try to step away I feel like something drags me back. Fate or bad luck. Sorry for the long message. Thank you.

    • Petra says:

      I agree, this whole dynamic is not very healthy for either of you. If you’d like to see how to best get out of it – we can discuss during a consultation. Please just send an inquiry via my Contact or Coaching pages.

  65. Calli says:

    Hi Petra

    10 years ago a guy at school (younger than me) started to pursue me. I was attracted to him, but resisted because of his age. He stopped contacting me when he wasn’t getting what he wanted. During this time I was always thinking about him. After about a year I text him and we started talking again. Soon after we had sex (he was my first). After that sex became a regular thing a couple times a month. He would only call me when he wanted sex. Then it stopped being so regular and every time I thought it was over he’d come back and I would give in and see him. This went on for four years. My feelings for him were so strong I wasn’t interested in anyone else. Eventually I plucked up the courage to tell him that this couldn’t go on and ask him how he really felt. He got annoyed that I was asking questions and said things that showed that I didn’t mean much to him.
    After that night I didn’t hear from him again.
    For the next two years I was so depressed and thought about him 24/7. I eventually met someone who made me feel happy again and started my first proper relationship. We’ve been together for 3 years.
    Recently I bumped into the “ex” after 5 years of nothing. We spoke and he seemed happy to see and speak to me. He seemed genuinely interested in my life and if I was happy.
    I am very happy with my boyfriend, but I can’t stop thinking about the other guy, I don’t think I ever really got over him. Im still really attracted to him. I know he was no good for me but there’s a part of me that just can’t forget him.

    • Petra says:

      Please think about why you are still into the guy who treated you badly, didn’t care for you and only wanted sex. How can that be more desirable to you than a nice guy who loves you? There must be a reason, and I’d encourage you to do some self-reflection and try to find what’s behind this desire for your ex – once you understand why he has such a hold on you, you’ll be able to let go. If you’d like some help we can of course have a consultation.

      • Calli says:

        I agree with what you say, but I feel like I will always have feelings for my ex no matter what. Also, I have never felt this intense physical attraction for anyone else.

        • Petra says:

          Do you want to move on or not? Maybe you’re lingering because you think something so intense can never happen again. And it won’t, as long as you think this guy was the one. What does that do for you long term? Do you want him to be your greatest love for the rest of your life, or give yourself a chance to love someone who will love you back (which you maybe already have, but take for granted)? The choice is yours. This fatal attraction is only in your head, and has nothing to do with him being a good match to you. It’s an illusion. Once you understand that true love is not equal to intense physical attraction, and that that kind of attraction goes away once real life kicks in – especially if someone treats you badly, you’ll be free of the illusion. Maybe you should go and date him again? That will be the fastest way to realise he wasn’t worthy of your love in the first place.

  66. Roy says:

    Thanks for posting this! But why only 12 paragraphs? I could go on reading if it would have been a 100 paras. It’s hard, harder than we think to let go. Specially when the girl you love wants you to be your friend and nothing else. Moreover, she also doesn’t want to break the friendship either. So what would I do if I want to keep some distance? she won’t let me to.! I’m sure down the lane she’ll go her own way, its just she is not accepting this, but I know for sure.
    I’m in a fix, I dont want to loose her but still want to get over this “one-sided” love!!!
    Help!

    • Petra says:

      Think about what you are gaining and losing by keeping her as a friend, and vice versa. Maybe a cool-off period (when you won’t see each other or communicate at all) is needed for you to be able to sort yourself out and move on. If she’s a real friend she’ll understand and will wait for you. I’d say communicate all that to her and see what she says.

      • Roy says:

        Thanks a lot Petra for replying.Yes, I’ve said everything about my feeling towards her. She says, she don’t have any such feeings for me and she wants to continue as a friend and nothing else. I also tried not to call or text her for 1 whole day. But next day she would call me and ignores the fact that why I didn’t called or texted and talks normally. I don’t want to loose her. I don’t know what should I do right now.

        • Petra says:

          You have to decide what’s best for you: sticking around and waiting for your feelings to gradually change (probably painful for a long time), or breaking all contact (recovery will be faster but you might lose her completely). You really can’t control how she feels, only what you will do with how she feels.

  67. Rhys says:

    Hey, i just happened to stumble across this article (whic was very helpful thank you) whilst trying to get some answers. but i see you’re interactive with the people that comment and getting some advice form the females point of view could be extremely helpful!
    Ok so, to simply put i have a classic case of unrequited love, i think anyway. So this whole thing started with a girl about a year and a half ago, we have never been physical or anything like that, as it’s not all i want/wanted form her. We’ve been great friends for some time and of course ive had strong feelings for her, knowing very well that they will probably never be returned. But some times the things she says make me feel otherwise and it just makes me cling onto hope.
    Shes a very reserved and closed of girl and isn’t big on the whole feelings thing not even when it comes to her best friends. Recently her best friend messaged me one night after i saw her at a party i attended and from then on for about a month we were talking nearly every day. I always had the thought that the girl i had feelings for wouldn’t like it but i also thought well, if she doesn’t like me then how could she be upset about it or be jealous. I’m not someone to intentionally hurt anyone as that’s just not a normal thing to do. But it turned out once the girl i had feelings for knew she was angry upset jealous all the words to describe that feeling. She never said anything to me only really hinted, i wanted her to say “hay can you stop” or somehting but she never so one night i just said i realise whats getting you down and then form there everything just escalated. She had a massive go at me and was extremly jealous and upset about the whole situation. I undertsand i probably ruined every chance i had with her. When i calmed down and had time to think i couldn’t reall comprehend the reasoning behind her being jealous tho. I’ve asked her multiple times how she feels about me and i’ve told her multiple times how i feel towards her, yet she still got upset over it. A couple days passed and i had to say some more cos i was too confused and upset at what i had done. From there i just said be honest and she was and she said i could never see us working im sorry. Which is fine, i can’t make someone love me, i can’t change feelings and neither could she. But at what point does someone with zero feelings towards you get jealous over me tlaking to someone else? i just have no idea. I know i hurt her and im sure it’s just as hard for her to reject me as it is for me to accept im just extremely confused and struggling to be happy.
    That’s really all i guess, i just wanted to know you opinions on the whole situation and what i should do and if it’s worth me to keep trying or to let it all go.
    Thanks

    • Petra says:

      Seems to me she doesn’t want to be with you, but she doesn’t want you to date anyone else either. Or maybe she thinks if you date her best friend then she’ll lose you both? Either way it’s selfish and immature and not nice towards either you or her friend. I don’t know what else could be the reason since she doesn’t want to say anything that makes any sense, I guess she is too afraid to tell you how she truly feels. Regarding you and her being together – I just feel a very emotionally closed person like her would be very hard to date. There would always be situations like this – where you did something wrong, but you had no idea it was wrong because she never told you why she doesn’t like you doing it. And you’d never be able to guess what is it exactly she wants, if she doesn’t say it out loud.

  68. Ten says:

    This article is hard to read because I feel it does not apply to me. My ex broke up with me during a time that I would not want to date me. We were put in a situation where we had to be long distance. During this time I became very insecure and paranoid all the time that something was going to go wrong. I asked for reassurance constantly, she did her best at first but after about two months of my paranoia, she decided to let me go. I had some very old self esteem issues I had not fully worked out and this situation brought them up in the worst way. Looking back on it I think I needed an experience like this to show me that I needed to work on myself as a person and to make sure I never behave like that again. It is just hard not to regret that it had to happen with this girl and I do wonder if I am ever going to find another personality that had fit me so well.

    • Petra says:

      I would agree with you – that was more of an experience to teach you to sort yourself out, otherwise there will be consequences. If you feel that you are now capable of loving more and being a better partner, there is no reason for you to not be able to find an even better matching partner. I sense some fears and insecurities behind your doubt, which might be a bigger issue for you – preventing you from finding a good partner. If you’d like to talk about that contact me for a consultation.

  69. Vanessa says:

    Love the blog, need some advice here.

    So i was seeing this guy for two years and a half, and its been almost 6 months since we broke up. He asked me to stay away from a guy (who happened to my colleague) i was kinda attracted to and i never listened. He eventually got fed up and left me. After he left me i realized, i was totally in love with my bf and repented not listening to him. I left my job, made it up in every possible way to my ex, he said he would consider getting back to me, but that never happened, He has changed drastically in these couple of months, made many new girl friends, goes out on dates and i find it extremely difficult to go out on dates. I feel stuck up and have rejected a few good guys cos the only person i want to be with is my ex. We have so many mutual friends, and end up spending most occasions together and hooking up. I want to figure out a way to completely cut him off, because this is not healthy and its not going anywhere. I do not wish to be friends with him. And even though he wouldn’t get back to me, he isn’t letting me go either, keeps calling/texting me. No matter how bad i want to be with him, its just not working out.

    Could you please help?

    Thanks in advance,
    Vanessa.

    • Petra says:

      Hey Vanessa, I do agree it’s messy and complicated. I’d suggest we have a consultation and discuss in more detail – that’s a better way than via comments or email. Would you like that? If yes please send me an inquiry via my Coaching or Contact page. Consultation is a 30 min Skype call and it’s free.

  70. Ashlee says:

    Hey Petra,

    My Boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. we were dating for 1 year. I got to knew his Family and Friends. He told me he would like to marry me and I am different than all the other women. He bought us rings.
    He was mind opend but not that sentimental or very emotional. He worked a lot. In my opinion a bit to much. He often did not had time for me. He worked and wanted to sleep. Thats all. It seemed that Meeting me was exhausting for him. I left him alone to put hiself back together after all that work he is doing und let him the time he needed. But I also wanted him to take time for us. But he just said that I should not force him and that he felt forced by me. We didn’t met for a month! I was depressed and started to eat a lot. And he said I was fat and I should do sports. I tried. But it didn’t worked out because I felt so depressed that my future husband does not care or even love me. I tried not to sow him how I felt. Try to stay stong. But I wasn’t. I tried to talk with him. But he did’nt want to listen. He was stressed out. And blamed it on me. I felt misrable. I didn’t want to lose him. Because we were very similar. My friends told me to break up with him. I could because I loved him and build my future with him. Than he broke up with me. I am still sad about it. Mainly because I feel that I am the one to blame, that this realationship did not worke out. I feel misrable and that I was so childish to force him.
    I tried to talk to him but he don’t want to listen. I know my mistakes but why does he don’t want to try it again? I thought I was “the one”? It hurts. I feel bad, I feel very bad about that what happend to us.

    Excuse me for my bad english, I am from Austria. Lots of Love

    Lots of Love, Ashlee

    • Petra says:

      Hi Ashlee, please don’t blame yourself. This guy was not the one for you. Would you like to spend the rest of your life with someone who only works and sleeps and doesn’t have time to meet you? A man who cares for you will want to see you and spend time with you, and won’t make lame excuses. If you love someone, that person is a bit higher on your priority list. Being close and together is what defines a relationship: spending time together, caring for each other, exchanging thoughts and emotions and experiencing things together. I am sure you can find someone who will be a better match for you and give you what you need, you really don’t need to regret losing your ex, he didn’t give you much of himself – and that’s not your fault, but his.

  71. Tom says:

    Hi Petra. First, may I commend you on this site. I stumbled across it like everyone else here because I recently had a relationship end that I am struggling to come to terms with, and understand how things are as they are now. The other issue I have is that despite looking for direction and support online since things ended four weeks ago, I have not been able to find anyone that has been in the same situation I now find myself in (I apologise in advance for the length of my post) . I’m a 43 year old gay man and in May 2013 I started chatting to another guy online who identified himself as bisexual. I had recently come out of a bad relationship of two and a half years, and wasn’t looking for anything serious at all, so the fact that he just wanted a casual relationship suited me fine. He lived with a woman, the only woman he has ever slept with, and had a son who at the time was fourteen. They had been together twenty years, and he was the stay at home dad as she had a very successful career ($14000 take home pay a month). Before we met for the first time he told me that two years prior to this he had been involved in a four year relationship with a lawyer who was not out and secretive about his sexuality, he also had convinced his partner they were just friends, so they were able to see a lot of each other. When things became serious between them, he got drunk one night and told her. She went, understandably, crazy and threatened the lawyer that if he didn’t stay away, she would ‘out’ him to his co workers and family. This sent my ex into a year long period of depression before he moved on. He has been having secret encounters with men since about 2002. When we met, we got on like a house on fire. I still kept my options open–wasn’t allowed to contact him at weekends or when she was there–so I still went on dates etc. However, after about a month, it was obvious we were falling for each other big time. I still told him that it was impossible because of his situation. In July of last year, he returned to his home country with her and his son, with the (her) idea of sorting out a venue for their wedding. He told me that this was clearly idiocy because he is gay (he has known this since he was a teenager but through societal pressure went through with producing a grandchild for his mum etc.) And he managed to convince her that it wasn’t a good idea right now. This is when I started to wonder what sort of person she must be, given the previous situation with the lawyer. Even if he was the father of her son, I personally couldn’t imagine a worse humiliation than he had put her through. We carried on seeing each other, more regularly and by now I was smitten. I know you hear this from everyone here, but we were soul mates. Had the same interests, humour and outlook on life. I truly believe it’s something you can’t fake. We literally couldn’t stop looking at each other, laughing and were so tactile. He became more angry and down about his situation, that he had to go back home every night and at weekends, until one night last September when he got drunk and left his phone on the kitchen counter. He’d got into the habit of deleting all of the messages between us on a regular basis because she (understandably!) would go through his phone on a regular basis, and on this occasion she saw the last day’s worth of messages between us and the secret was out. What followed up until last Christmas, was a turbulent couple of months where she was in turn devastated and angry, but where I could see him more openly and we could spend the odd night together. Things reached a head in Christmas 2013. His mother and brother were visiting and on the 27th, she became more and more aggressive and unpredictable as the wine flowed. She ended up causing a situation where she said ‘Why don’t you tell them what you are doing?’ So he did. He came out to his mother and brother and was so angry about her behaviour, he said he was leaving and coming over to see me. Her response was to call their son downstairs and say ‘before you go, tell him’, which he did. Upsetting as this was, his son dealt with the news (and has subsequently) in a remarkably mature way. He spent about a week with me before going back to the house he owns with her to sort things out. Between January and March of 2014, the situation continued as before, seeing me regularly but still living there. At the end of March he made the decision to move in with me, and this is where the issues begin. Because he hadn’t had any sort of defined career path while bringing up his son, he was worried about money. He is a qualified electrician, and had enough work to pay the rent and live a decent enough life–but he knew he had to get a regular permanent job in the trade to have more security. Our relationship went from strength to strength. He knew what he had to do to make things with us succeed and I had never been happier with a partner and he felt the same. We went on holidays (on one I met his mother, who being very close to his ex and her grandson, was very offhand) and he took me back to his home country to meet his father. His dad said to us “You stay with him. He has your best interests at heart–standing on your own to feet, becoming independent and getting away from the influence of the two women who have ruled your life (his ex and his mother)” He also said he’d never seen his son so happy. Throughout this period, I started to become increasingly frustrated with what I saw as his ex’s position in his priorities. I never ever denied him time with his son (he saw him every day after work to make his dinner, before she would get in). But I was starting to question why he needed to be there two nights a week to look after a 15 yr old, given that on occasion when it suited her, they’d both go out to meet mutual friends and leave their son on his own. Every Friday, she insisted that they maintain the old routine of family time, so he’d stay over there and come home Saturday afternoons. After a couple of months of this, I felt that this was inappropriate–that the main social night of the week I was denied time with him, and that what was actually happening was the son was going up to bed at eleven and for the remaining hours it was the two of them drinking, arguing or talking. I told him I’d like to spend every other Friday with him and on those weeks he could go over to theirs on Sunday morning and stay there all day and night. I figured that if the real motive behind these Fridays was family time then a whole day and whole night on a Sunday was actually more quality time for them to be together. In July, he went back to his home country with her to visit his mother and to celebrate his son’s 15th birthday. Before he went, he had been trying to gain financial help from his mother and father and was also appealing to his ex that she should help him, given that the house they had was in both of their names and he had given up having a career of his own to bring up their son. They all refused–his mother is wealthy but clearly didn’t approve of his decision to move in with me. His father said he’d help once he could see some results his son was standing on his own two feet and his ex refused point blank to fund what she saw as a life with me. He told me before they all left for the ten day trip that he would call and text me, but despite my getting increasingly concerned and contacting him-he didn’t reply until the very end of the trip. This was a pattern in our relationship–whenever he was with her or his mother, he wouldn’t text me, and on the odd occasion before I learned this and would text him she would apparently start getting angry, that I was ‘in her house’. When he got back, he told me the trip had been terrible, that both his ex and mother had been on at him the whole time to move back in with her and his son and there had been a lot of arguments. Over the following couple of months, August and September 2014, I noticed that things between him and her seemed to be calming down. She started to tell her friends that they had split up (she’s an extremely private person and her whole point of existing and earning all of her money was apparently all for my ex and her son). She even told him that once he found a job, she would sort the house out and give him what was due. However during this time, I started to feel that she still had equal footing with me in his affections. I accused him of spinning plates, of trying to make two people happy that it was impossible to make happy at the same time. That I felt he loved me no more or no less than he cared about upsetting her. He started making up things to me, so that he wouldn’t have to let her down. For example, he once said he had to take his son to the airport but I found out his son had already flown the previous day and what he was actually doing was going out with her and mutual friends, which he knew, being a weekend day, would upset me. We rowed on that occasion, and when he got to her, upset about it, she sent him straight back to me saying ‘if this relationship is as important to you as you say, then go back and sort it out and stop lying about things’. Throughout all of this, I kept saying to him that if he loved and cared for her as much as he said (and should), he had to set her free and put a little distance between himself and her so that she could meet a man that could love her in the right way too. I’d see texts from her which were written in a style you’d expect to see between a man and a wife, and still her whole life was based around the times he’d be there. He felt incredibly guilty about the sadness he had caused her, and after one big row with her where he told her that I was the love of his life and that he had found his soul mate in me, she was unobtainable for two days, and he broke down in pieces thinking something had happened to her. In October, we found out we would have to move to a new flat while we were on holiday. I told him that this was crunch time, that he would now have to get a job so that after six months in a temporary place that would have to be in my name only for credit referencing purposes (given his patchy employment history), we could get somewhere in both his name. I also got him to confess to me that part of the reason he was keeping her so sweet and close was that he was insecure and frightened about his prospects and didn’t want to jeopardise the security blanket she would provide if things all went wrong, to which I told him I was appalled. But overall, he was more excited than I was about our new start, and we had the most fantastic holiday, full of love and laughter. When we returned at the start of November, we managed to find a very small flat in the short time window we had to move, that happened to be just a ten minute walk from where his ex and son lived. I actually thought this would be a good thing, as it meant he would just be up the road if needed, and on some of the nights in the week she went out, we could still be together or go out locally as he would just be minutes away (and his son is 15yrs old!). Well, from the minute we moved in, he went into one of his dark moods. He had suffered periodically with depression throughout our relationship, and would for some days at a time go into what he described as ‘one of his caves’ always about his finances. I used to tell him ‘you need to start being proactive. Do your CV. Start looking for a job.’ But because he actually had several projects on the go and was working long hours every day, so would come home tired and not get much done. The whole time this was going on, she kept saying to him, ‘come back here and get yourself sorted out without having to pay rent’ but he always refused and said his life was with me. But throughout November, I noticed he was spending more and more time up at the house and seemed to not want to be here as much-the flat is very small and not ideal, but even he would say it was just a start for us. We began to argue more, and I felt he was engineering them by being so negative and closed to my suggestions and attempts to make him feel more positive. At the end of the month, I said to him ‘you always promised me that you’d make this work, that you would do everything to make me happy, that you would marry me one day. To which he repsonded ‘well perhaps things in the beginning are rose tinted’. I asked him how long this bleakness was going to go on for and he said ‘Well if things are no better by the end of January, then I will call it a day on us so as not to spoil the happiest memories of my life with bad ones’. This made me panic, as I felt something was afoot. I felt he was putting a time limit on our relationship. This coupled with the fact that I saw a text from her saying ‘I love you. Only one x? That’s not good’. Also, he kept springing last minute surprises on me to do with her and his son. That he wouldn’t be home until later that evening because they had to go shopping for clothes for his son etc. I was starting to get angry. I felt that the balance was shifting against me toward her and the lure of her money and security it provided him. The last week we were together he texted me that he loved me so much and apologised that he knew it was difficult for me to believe that while he was feeling so down, but that he really did. I was the one. On December 7, after spending a Friday night with his family, he texted me to tell me that he had to go in town with them again to do some more shopping. I snapped. I told him he’d kept his options between me and her open for too long and that I was shutting the door. I told him I’d put his stuff outside and he could come down and get it. He was angry but the next day, after a text to tell him it was done, he came and got his things and left. For the first few days I felt a sense of self respect that I had taken the reins of my life back. That she would have no more sway. But then after a few days I started to feel distraught that things had ended the way they had, and so abruptly. If I’m being honest, I was hoping that he would prove me and my fears wrong and would want to talk, but he just came in a car driven by her and picked up his things. I wrote a seven page letter about why I had reached the point I had, and how bereft I felt without him and posted it through his door. But he didn’t contact me, and had deleted the messenger app we used to communicate. On the 19th, after a Christmas party and feeling pretty miserable and desperate, I drunk texted him that his silence was torture and that I missed and loved him. The next day I woke up and felt annoyed at myself and vowed not to contact him again. In the early hours of Christmas morning (having been drinking and celebrating all of Christmas Eve as is the tradition in his country), he called me-waking me from a deep sleep. I was so happy to hear his voice. the first thing he said to me was that I was the only one for him. How much he loved and missed me desperately. I asked why he had ignored me and he said he was angry that I’d thrown him out, but that when he’d received my drunk texts the week before, he’d jumped around the kitchen with joy. He said he wanted to see me, asked when I’d be coming back to the flat from where I was spending Christmas and that he’d posted a Christmas present through my door just before he’d called. I asked why he had done it then and he said because he knew I wouldn’t be there. We spoke for two and a half hours. Laughing and crying throughout. I told him I couldn’t believe that this had become the end of our story, and he said ‘this isn’t’. He told me he’d spoken to his dad and that his dad was upset with him and asked why he wasn’t with me, to which he reponded ‘Because I screwed it up Dad, because of money’. I asked how his ex and son felt now that he was back home and he said ‘secure’. I spent Christmas day in such a mix of emotions. I was so glad to hear from him, yet couldn’t understand truly why he’d cut me off so coldly up til then. He also said that although he’d got my letter, he hadn’t read it. When I asked why, he said ‘I didn’t want to’. I told him that he’d come so far on his journey, only to end up how he was before, a kept man in a gilded cage. I checked my bank account a few days later and saw that he’s also paid his share of the rent here for January. When I got back home and received his lovely gifts, I texted him for what has been the last time. I thanked him for them and again for calling me on Christmas day. How good it was to hear his voice and how it had helped me through a day I was dreading. I also said that I had obviously misinterpreted the meaning of the call, given his return to silence since then and told him that although I hoped that time would heal the pain I felt that things had turned out the way they have, that I would forever regret that I had let the man that was undoubtedly ‘the one’ slip through my fingers. That was nearly a week ago-and since then I’m trying to move on, but the lack of any real explanation of what was going on with him, what his situation is or of a proper sober sit down honest and open conversation as to how things have gone from bliss to disaster in the space of a few weeks, really is holding me back. He lives up the road. I know I’m bound to bump into him or her and it’s making me feel miserable. I guess I just want some form of closure, but his call and the things he said and the way he was on Christmas morning has thrown me into tailspin. I know he loves me. I’m not fooling myself. None of this makes any sense and I’m sick of raking things over and over in my head to try and find explanations. I’m hoping an objective eye can see some obvious truths I’m missing. Thanks.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Tom. I think your partner has some issues with himself, that’s why he’s going back and forth. It’s not easy to do what he did (come out, leave his wife and kid, go from financial security to relative insecurity) – and he probably wasn’t prepared for all the consequences of his decisions. It was very brave what he did – for love, because I do not doubt he loves you – but as you can see if you only look at his life before you, he didn’t have that much courage before, and it’s been an ongoing struggle for him. You are now experiencing it – he has come out, and he has left his family, but his lack of will and strength to live the life he truly wants is still there. The questions is: can you do something about it? I doubt it. It is his life and his decisions to make. What can you do then? Only decide what you want to do with this situation. I know it is quite tough now but you can get to the other side and recover. He clearly was someone very important for you, but I doubt he is the one – otherwise you’d still be together. Life isn’t that cruel to give us only one person we can be a great match with, there is always more choice. And once you realise you don’t need someone with so much baggage, you’ll see love can happen in a much more easy way. Why did you get yourself in this mess in the first place? Because you ignored all the warning signs from the beginning. I know you must have felt that the chemistry and connection will prevail, but if you had been able to look at him in a context of his whole life, you’d see immediately that he’ll struggle with leaving his “hetero” life behind, and you’d see it is a potential train wreck from the start. If you’d like to discuss this more, we can have a consultation – please contact me via Coaching or Contact pages or just send an email and we’ll arrange.

  72. Kaat says:

    Hi Petra!
    I am 27 years old girl. I met my first and only only boyfrirnd in my college around 7 years ago. He was the one who contacted me and confessed about his love. I got attracted towards him and fall in love. He left me 6months after that saying that I am not mature enough. As he was the first one in my heart I couldn’t forget him, begged him through mails, textx, calls but everything was switched off. I left matter to God and kept on praying. He then contacted me a year later but he was just like a friend but we continued our chats. He again confessed his love for me 3 years later and I was so happy. I never met his parents or anyone from family. We were not in physical relation but only sexting and cyber. I insisted on getting committed but he told me he has familly issues (which he never told me in detail). Then our college ended and he went back to his city, no contact, nothing, no replies to my texts, calls for 2 months. I tried to move on and there he texted again just for one night and behaved as if everything is normal. Now 2 years have passes we have that 2-3 day immense chat after every 3-4months. My family got me engaged but he called me crying and I was all to him again. 🙁 I broke that engagement but he is like you should avail good proposals. If he is not into me then why he contacts me after every 3,4 months when he is in depression, when he needs emotional support? He always contacts me in odd days when he needs to relax. I always give him love because I do love only him. He knows that well but behaves like just a feiend. I get hurt by his attitude. He do respects my feelings but I want love and committment now, its been 7 years. I am tired of this all. That 2 day chat gives me new hopes, everytime he is the one to call me. If he does not love me then why he still contacts me???? I can not imagine anyone except him. What should I do???? I get hurt whenever he says me that I should accept some good proposal. I can not do this and even if I try to move on, his one text after months snatches away my peace. What I should do please guide me. After every contact I get an emotional trauma, a new rejection, a new wound when he again gets busy in life. Why he contacts me then if he is not into me? One thing to mention, according to him there is no other girl in his life and I trust him blindly.
    Waiting for reply.
    Thanks in anticipation.

    • Kaat says:

      One more thing to mention, that engagement was a forced one as I wasn’t willing for anyone.
      I feel like I shall not be able to marry anyone in my life except him. I cry for him everynight but I don’t tell him because he will feel like I am clinging. He is a free spirit. I don’t know where things went wrong as he was the one to confess love. Where is all that gone? And if no love is there why he contacts me saying he misses me. Its an agony in which I die everyday. Please help me out what I should do, move on or wait till he proposes me somewhere in years ahead. 🙁

      • Petra says:

        Just ask yourself – why is he the one? What makes him so special? What does he have other people don’t? Be realistic, compare his personality to other people you know. I see no evidence he’s got anything you’d want. He is flaky and dishonest. He doesn’t respect your feelings – otherwise he’d make sure he doesn’t hurt you all the time. He contacts you because it’s nice to talk to you, but that’s all. Don’t wait for him. Move on, and if he really wants you, he’ll make an effort to get you. You don’t have to wait – if it’s meant to be, it will be. Don’t be so attached to the years you spent chasing or waiting for him, think about how much time you lost while you could be with someone who’d be there for you, every day. You are actually wasting your very precious youth on this guy who is simply not there for you.

    • Petra says:

      If you don’t want emotional drama, don’t get into it. Long-distance relationships without any real contact are completely virtual. The whole emotional investment is based on thin air. How can you know you love someone if you haven’t spent a day in your life with him? That is simply not love. Please, think about it and try to concentrate on real life, real people, real partners or potential partners. Once you get married you will actually have to live with this person for a very long time – and your long-distance guy simply seems he isn’t much of a partner to begin with. He only calls you when he is down – what does that say to you? Would you only call someone when you’re feeling bad if you truly loved him? Maybe you’d actually want to share something else too – like do something fun and nice together. If you want to get over him, best block him completely and get on with your life. It will be hard at the start, but you’ll manage. And then you’ll give yourself a chance to meet someone who’ll love you and treat you nicely. This way it will never happen if you keep emotionally investing in this relationship that’s a pure illusion. Sorry to be so harsh, but that is the truth. Why do you trust him blindly? Has he earned that trust? I don’t see it – he’s been in and out of your life so randomly, he’s only nice when he needs you – why would you trust your future with a man who doesn’t care enough to actually make a commitment?

  73. Brianna says:

    Hello Petra.

    In early 2014, I ended a long term (4.5 year) relationship that had been very rocky for a long time. I felt liberated, and I took a few months and worked on myself. It felt great. I felt free.

    A few months later I went on a dating app and got a few matches. I didn’t acknowledge any of them and decided I was going to delete–until a very handsome fellow engaged me in conversation through messages and the conversation flowed amazingly. Within a week, he gave me his number. We texted non stop for another week. He seemed just as into me as I was into him. He suggested meeting at a fancy restaurant and I obliged. We had a wonderful first date. Plenty to talk about. It went perfectly.

    Many dates later, we just hit it off. He made me feel like I was going to fly. I’d never had anyone give me so much attention. Tell me I was beautiful, cute, amazing. We became intimate, I began spending the night at his house a lot.

    We spent almost every day of summer 2014 together. We went through important life events. He came to my moms wedding. We went on vacations and trips. We’d up and go to a park and walk the trails for a day, and once he planned the most amazing vacation for me. Surprised me with a master suite at an amazing amusement park, facing the lake, and romantically told me he loved me. I was so smitten. We were so in love. So happy. So it seemed.

    Two months later he broke up with me out of the blue. Said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. It was a five month relationship. He told me he didn’t feel like we were compatible… Yet he did so much for me. Made me feel appreciated. We had so much in common. It was never a dull moment. We were always happy, smiling. Days before he let me go, we cuddled in bed and kissed and spent the morning together. I could have never seen it coming.

    This was two months ago. For the first month, I had to get through my birthday, thanksgiving, and Christmas with these feelings. That was tough. I was a mess, especially for the first week. I ranged from constant crying and depression to wondering what could have possibly went wrong. I longed for closure.

    Then I found out that a week after he broke up with me, he started dating his friend from high school that he had introduced me to a few times. In fact, he even had her meet us out at Denny’s a few late nights to hang out. It’s likely that he liked her all along. I suspected that she had a thing for him, but I ignored it because he and I were in love!! I never thought at the time that this would happen.

    Now I’ve seen pictures of them happy together, and I’m lonely and left in the dust.

    I gave him my all. I don’t deserve this. I loved truly and deeply. And I’m served with this.

    I’ve gotten better, no doubt. I’m focusing on myself, exercising, and trying my best to leave it in my past. I blocked them on everything to avoid ever seeing their happy life together ever again.

    Now I feel stuck. I go to work, I come home, exercise, and that’s it. I feel like a stranger to myself. I have no hobbies. Barely any friends. I let all this slide when I was with him because, well, I felt like I had all I needed to be happy! I was so wrong.

    So now what do I do? How do I move on? Where do I go for here? Right now I’m just existing, not living.

    • Petra says:

      Hey. You’ll need some time to mend your heart – don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s normal and natural, and it’s necessary to grieve a loss of something or someone we loved. But – you will get better, and you can rebuild your life and friendships. It’s good you cut him off, that will help you get over him faster. Just do things as you feel, if you feel like staying at home and crying – fine, if you feel like going out and partying – do that, meet up with people. I don’t know how old you are but I am sure there are ways to meet new people and socialise, just make an effort to have some fun and you’ll see – things will start looking better.

      As for him – it simply didn’t work out, so what can you do? He didn’t feel the same as you, and there is really nothing you can do about it. Think about yourself in his position: what would you do? Would you stay with him if you fell out of love? Would you think it’s better to date someone you’re not in love with, or break up and give both a chance to find someone new? I see how he dazzled you with his nice behaviour, but please see it in a positive way – you had a wonderful few months, that’s a great way to remember him and your relationship. He may be happy with the new girl, but so what? What is it about his happiness that prevents you to find happiness with someone else?

      • Brianna says:

        Thanks for the advice.

        I am 22, just to clarify.
        Being at home terrifies me. When I go out I feel sad, but at least I’m out of the house.
        Each day does get a little better.
        I really just need to focus on letting go.

        How do you know when you’ve truly let a person go? When you’ve fully detached yourself from them? How was he able to do that in what seemed to be overnight? How did he fall out of love as quickly as we fell in love?

        These thoughts are preventing me from moving on.

        I often wonder if he ever thinks about me. If he feels any remorse for hurting me so badly. Why were there no signs?

        I’m sure these thoughts never cross his mind now that he’s got a new person to devote himself to.

        So will that last? Can old friends make a good relationship?

        And most importantly–why do I even care?! I have so much to focus on in my own life yet here I am wondering about his so much.

        I hate that despite everything, there are times when I miss him. I just miss having a companion, ya know? Someone to go to walmart at midnight with and just mess around and have fun. I feel so lost all by myself. It really sucks.

        When does it get better?

        • Petra says:

          Seems like you have a lot of questions there and it would be good to get some answers so you can move on faster, I can help you with it. If you’d like to talk about it please send me an inquiry from Contact or Coaching page, and we’ll set up a consultation (it’s a Skype call).

  74. Pensive says:

    Here I am short of 33 with one serious (2 year) relationship to date. That relationship ended with no hearts broken; we were both agreed our time together was done, learned our lesson and settled our karmic debt. I was almost 27 then and set out to work on being my best self instead of jumping into the next relationship. I couldn’t anyway; I just wasn’t that type of person. I didn’t have a high school or a college sweetheart. Do I feel deprived? No. I knew very early that I didn’t want to be with someone for relationship’s sake.
    I casually dated and was honest and open at all times, and by 30 I was ready for love.
    I’ve put it out there to manifest the one for me; what she looked like, how our relationship would be. I’ve had my share of casual relationships, and dated enough to know what I want, and to have given it a good shot with someone great who’d come along. More often than not, I became best friends with those I initially set out to date. I thank the universe for the great women I’ve met who I’m compatible with and who ‘ticked the boxes’, however that [love] connection was missing.
    I’ve observed many friends go from one big (and heartbreaking) love to the next within weeks, at most months. I’ve often wondered why this wasn’t the case for me.
    Am I too picky? Am I not ready? Have I not least expected it enough? haha
    Then at 31, I met the one who literally took my breath away when our eyes met. The one who took me to a place no one else could. She embodied every deal breaker of women past but to me she was amazing. Then she became distant. She tells me she just wanted to be friends, I didn’t believe her (actions speak louder than words) but I obliged. I don’t blame her, I understood her – she’s straight-identified and not ready to come out (or probably never will). I believe she wants to lead a straight life, and I was but a mere curiosity. I believe it’s become more than that and it has scared her. It wasn’t part of her plan. I stopped initiating contact and let her come to me. The ball was in her court. If she felt in control of the situation [with us], she’d be confident in herself and in us. But the push-pull was taking its toll in the 6 months we were seeing each other. I said if ever I find myself in this situation of unrequited love (?) I will bow out as gracefully as I can; you can’t make someone love you, and I’d only be breaking my own heart. I deserve more than that. We weren’t exclusive but for the first time in my life, I feel heartbroken.

    • Petra says:

      Hi there. If you’d like to talk about it more let me know – we can have a consultation over Skype. It’s free and it’s all for your benefit, I will try to help you see the best way out. If you’d like that please send me a note via Contact or Coaching pages.

  75. Lacey says:

    My partner cheated early on in the relationship, and he begged for forgiveness. He gave me his whole heart. I smashed it repeatedly with my lack of trust and longstanding insecurity, always questioning him, doubting his intentions, doubting his words. After a year and a half and three separations, he says he is done chasing me. It is really over. I can’t believe it. I thought he was the one. I can’t imagine meeting anyone else. I’m beside myself with grief and fear the emptiness will never repair itself. I know it sounds like a relationship I didn’t want to be in, but I did. I just wanted to believe he wanted it too, and I could never seem to get there. I’m worried there is something fundamentally wrong with me — I continually chase men away, I suppose subconsciously hoping they’ll prove their love, but instead I wear them out until they give up. I’m devastated.

    • Petra says:

      We can talk about this if you want, and explore a bit more – just drop me a note via Contact or Coaching pages and we’ll schedule a Skype consultation. I am sure there is nothing wrong with you but you might have some emotional / confidence issues or simply some limiting beliefs that make you distrust men. Or issues with getting close. We’ll see what lies beneath.

  76. Jan says:

    Hi Petra,
    I’ve been in a few relationships before but I have never felt so strongly for someone until I met Mr R. When we first met at a rather odd place (tram stop), it wasn’t my plan to fall in love. It just happened. At the time, I was seeing someone else but when Mr R and I had our first date, I knew straight away that like this man very much. And this was like 1.5 years ago. He is 17 years older than me, separated from his wife and he have 2 kids. I don’t mind his past because I love him and my feelings only grow stronger as time goes by. We seldom spent time together but when we do, it’s fairly short. We do not have a relationship going on btw him and I but we see each other from time to time until lately, he decided to have no contacts whatsoever. Eventho he has made it clear that he didn’t feel the same way as I do, I kept on refusing to believe what he said! How could he possibly not have felt the chemistry that we both had when we were together? And I’m confused as to why he would not want to be with me who loves him whole heartedly and ready to devote my entire life to caring for him? Is it bc I’m too young? Or, is it bc he is afraid of commitment? He never returns my messages on facebook but still had the courtesy to tell me that he has found a new job and therefore, his contact details will no longer be valid. He also didn’t wish me happy birthday or merry X’mas which is really heartbreaking for me. I don’t know what to do. I think about him all the time and I couldn’t move on bc I don’t think there’s anyone that can make me feel so differently in a good way, like he did. Pls advise. I’m really lost, i feel confused and heartbroken and slightly, depressed.
    J

    • Petra says:

      Hi J. I am sorry but the only way out is for you to accept that: a – he is not in love with you, b – you can find someone else who is as good or even better for you. I know it seems impossible, but please think about it. Why is he the one? Why is he so special? Do you really think there is nobody out there who can be as good of a partner to you? Why? If you’d like me to help please send me a note via Contact or Coaching page and we’ll set up a consultation.

  77. joelma says:

    i was with a guy for 1 year, let’s call him bob. we had known eachother for since i was 14 because of church, but we never payed any mind to one another. i had a boyfriend that i was in love with, and bob was just a bad kid that i barely noticed.when i was 14, i cheated on my bf and he was completely destroyed, i “loved” him, and i didn’t want to lose him. during the time we were broken up, i was in a lot of pain, and bob reached out and was there for me. after that, me and the other guy got back together. bob wished me luck and we didn’t talk anymore. me and that bf later broke up for good, when i was 16 and i used drugs and other guys to forget him. i used people to distract myself. but i didn’t once feel something strong for any of them. i talked to multiple people at once and i didn’t care what they felt. i had options, and i wasn’t going to waste my time with just one person at a time.
    one day, around my 17th birthday, bob sent me a message on twitter. i usually replied with an attitude to people who messaged me, but for some reason i decided to be friendly, and i said “hey 🙂 ” we caught up and asked each other how life had been. i told him all the stuff i’d been doing and we were both in the same boat, so we laughed about it. then he started making weird comments like “soy tu principe azul” and i told him i was trying to find someone to replace my ex and he said “that’s me :)” i completely ignored him, because he’s 3 years older than me, and he had a bad history and reputation. i didn’t want to get involved with him. i considered him a friend. he had stopped going to church for about a year, and he then decided to go back, just so he could see me. he went back to church for me. and we would talk every time we saw each other. i hadn’t let him kiss me, because i thought he was a too old for me, but one day, he was wearing his snakebite piercings and he looked super hot lol. so i let him kiss me. after that first kiss, i started feeling different. i started liking him and i despised myself for it. i wasn’t going to let it happen. he had already told me that he liked me and i just said ok. we stayed talking and one crazy weekend, my parents were out of town and i was spending the weekend with friends, alone. so we went out. and that night, he asked me out in front of my house, and we had sex later that night, because we got high together. i hadn’t been with someone since july. that was in october of 2013. i told him that i didn’t sleep with guys that were my boyfriends because i knew i would get attached and i would eventually get hurt. i only slept with guys i knew just wanted sex, because that’s all i wanted too.but with him, it happened. from there, things kicked off. less than a month after we started dating, he told me he loved me. i didn’t, so i didn’t say it back. as soon as we started dating, we started getting attacked by everyone at church. he stopped going, and people were trying to break us up and convince me that he was a bad guy. i new he had done bad things, but i accepted him as he was, and he accepted me. i never once thought he was perfect. we fought hard to stay together. because i fell in love about 2 months into the relationship, we weren’t giving up so easily. he was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. of course he was 21 and i was 17, so everyone thought it was more wrong. we didn’t care what anyone thought. we loved eachother and were determined to make it last forever. it was us against the world. he would come to my house atleast once a month when my parents weren’t home and we made love everytime he came over. we always found a way to see eachother. he bought me a phone so we could talk to eachother all day everyday. he did everything for me. he did all he could to make me happy. we stopped smoking, so my parents would let us be together. we tried to make the world accept us, but no one ever fully did. we went through a lot. we broke up the weekend after easter, on our 6 month anniversary, because we wanted to do things right, and wait till the time was right to date. we wanted to have a chaste and christian relationship. we both said we would wait for the other, and i had no doubt that he would stay faithful. it was hard to be without him, but at least i knew i hadn’t lost him completely. in june, my sister got married. and i knew he was going to be there. the whole wedding mass, we didn’t take our eyes off of eachother. at the party, he cought the liga my sister’s husband threw. we danced less than half of a song, but in those 30 seconds that he was holding me, i felt as if all my troubles had melted away, and i felt free again. he kissed my cheek and told me he loved me. he said it, but i could also see it in his eyes. when it was about time for me to get home, we stepped outside and talked for a while. he said he still loved me and he was still waiting for me. i told him the same. i didn’t know when i would see him again, so i stared at him like it was the last time, i remember every word we spoke that night. i wasn’t going to forget it. that weekend we talked a bit more, and by monday we were back together, but we agreed that we weren’t going to have sex. that didn’t work out so well, and it ended up happening. we felt guilty for a little. just for a little. things got even more serious between us. we were planning on moving out together as soon as i graduated high school this june. we had a place we would rent close to his job, and i applied for college at a school near there. he even started looking for furniture and started saving up money. everything was set. then one day. in october he came over. he has his ex’s name tattooed on his chest, and i had never seen him without a shirt. he was saving up to get it removed. i had never seen it in person, and that day, i saw a big chunk of it. and i immediately stopped what i was doing and pushed him away for a couple of seconds. i told him what was wrong and he got mad and stormed out of my house. i started thinking, and i realized i was being stupid. i knew it was there. i knew he was getting it removed, but i still reacted that way. i’m volatile and complicated. and the more i thought about it, the more i convinced myself that he didn’t need me. he didn’t need my outbursts or fits to make his life more complicated. i told him that i loved him but that he didn’t deserve the frustration and pain i made him go through. he had enough problems in his life. he told me he didn’t care if i threw fits or got mad for no reason, he loved me and he wasn’t giving up. but i still told him we were done. as soon as i said it i regretted it, and i called him back to tell him i was sorry. he forgave me eventually and took me back. a week later, we made it to our 1 year anniversary. he came over and we celebrated together, alone. it was perfect. every time with him was perfect. but after that, we started talking less and less. he didn’t call me every night, and he would always be busy or asleep. we started losing communication and i felt like something was wrong, but he never told me. he just said he was busy. then one day, i plucked up the courage to tell him how i felt and to tell him missed him. i asked him what was happening to us. he finally told me that he didn’t think we should be together because my parents don’t like that he doesn’t go to church, and he wouldn’t forgive himself if my mom got sick when we moved out. i asked if he still loved me and he said it didn’t matter. i asked him again and he told me that he didn’t. i asked him since when and he said “since you broke up with me” so we said bye and i told him i loved him. i was broken. 2 days later my mom got really sick and i was in desperate need of a friend, and he was after all my best friend. i told him that i needed him and that when she was better,we could go back to not talking. my mom went to the doctor and left me home alone, and he decided to come over. i didn’t tell him to, but he did anyway. when he got here it was awkward. i didn’t know what to say. then out of nowhere, we started kissing me and layed on me. i told him to stop and he asked me why. i told him “you don’t love me. don’t kiss me if you don’t love me” he told me “you think i don’t love you ? i only said that so you would forget about me” he said i needed to stop depending on him. that i needed to look to God for guidance and put Him before everything. he told me he didn’t want to bring me down with him. he started smoking again, and he didn’t want me to follow in his steps. i asked him why he started again and he didn’t want to tell me why. finally, he told me, after smoking 11 blunts that he started smoking the day he made up his mind to leave me. to remember how it felt the first time he layed on me, and to forget how hard it is to be without me. i understood him completely. and i was wiling to stop talking to him and focus on myself. i was praying for him every day for God to help him get through this. i was determined to leave him be for as long as he needed. a few days later, he messaged me, telling me he wanted his phones and stuff back, so i agreed to it, but he seemed mad. he said i needed to get a life, because i was obsessed with him. that was the last straw and i told him i was done with him and that he was confused. i was so surprised he said that. i couldn’t help but laugh. the next day,i gave him his stuff, and he accused me of talking to one of my ex’s. i got incredibly mad and i started calling him names. he left, and then i realized i hadn’t given him everything, so he came back to church to pick up his stuff. i got in his truck and we started talking about his accusation. he was high, and was talking crazy. i asked him if i could kiss him and he asked my why. i told him “because i love you” as i was getting ready to get out of his truck, he grabbed me and kissed me. then we went somewhere and made love for the last time. we both cried and confessed our love. the goal that night was to get me pregnant, because that was the only way he would stay. he wanted it to happen. he wanted a reason to stay. it would ensure our forever. but it didn’t happen. and that night, as i was saying bye, i didn’t expect it to be the last time. because i kissed him, we said we loved each other and we were both smiling. since i didn’t end up being pregnant, we decided nothing was going to happen with us. we weren’t going to get back together. this christmas break i messaged him and thanked him for everything he did for me. 1 week later, i checked my facebook again and saw that he was replied 2 days after i messaged him. he said “love me harder” and then he sent me a face with heart eyes saying merry christmas. we talked for about another week, and we had agreed that when i got back to the u.s, we would see eachother again. yesterday he was supposed to come. but he didn’t. he said “im with my cousins” and he didn’t end up coming. i was crying and praying that he would knock on my door but he never did. we were both high. and i called him telling him i missed him, and that i wanted to see him. he said he wasn’t coming, and he hung up on me. i asked him if he ever loved me and he said “yes i did. bye” i asked him “do you still?” and he saw it, and then blocked me.
    i was so sure he was the one. and i still pray for him. i tell God every day “please let him be the one” our love was so real. and i know im only 18, but i thought i was going to marry this man. and i know he’s pushing me away. but up until yesterday i was convinced he still loved me. now i’m not so sure. what i would give to know how he was feeling, or what he was thinking. it’s so hard to accept. i’ve been crying all day. i’ve never felt this much pain, ever. i’m a mess. and i know i need to move on, and i try, but everything reminds me of him. he’s everywhere, but nowhere at the same time. im not sure if he still loves me. i hope he does. i pray that we’ll end up together, later on in life. maybe 5, 10 years down the road. i just want to know if he’s the man i’m going to marry. and i know everything happens for a reason, but i want to know. i need to know who God made for me, what plans He has for me. it’s killing me.

    • Petra says:

      To love is human, to lose is human too. You will get better. You are very very young, please give yourself some time to grow up and learn more about yourself and relationships. The more you know yourself, the better your partners will be. I am sure you had a beautiful first love, but that’s why it’s called first love. It will fade and you’ll have some sweet memories once you meet someone you’ll decide to live your life, and have a family with.

      Now it’s time to grieve and be unhappy, but it will pass. Just don’t lose yourself in your pain, and don’t try to numb it with alcohol or drugs. That has never helped anyone, and will only bring you more pain and sadness.

      Trying to get pregnant was a very stupid idea, and I am glad that didn’t work. Why would you want to have a child at 18? There’s so much world to see, you can go to school, learn, explore, live, have fun. You have plenty of time to settle down. Enjoy life girl, and I am sure things will happen for you. Good luck and wish you all my best.

  78. Gabriel says:

    My girlfriend of 5 years decided one day she wanted to break up with me. We talked on and off for the last few months and just recently, about early November she changed her phone number, blocked me from all social media and just dropped me. I feel bad because I really loved her. I had dated other people but I fell deeply in love with her not to mention we had an incredible sexual attraction and it hurts like hell! I’ve cried, been really spacey and sad lately. When I work during the day I don’t think about it but when I get home I think about her and see her in my dreams and it hurts and I just want it to stop. We have so many years of memories and its like I can’t even listen to certain songs because it triggers the pain. I’m trying but it’s still fresh. I just need to find a way to get my heart to line up with my brain and let her go but I’m having a very hard time

    • Petra says:

      Really sorry you feel this way, but 5 years is a long time – and you do need time to get over her, and mend your heart. Don’t beat yourself up, just let the emotions happen and go away, they will leave one day and won’t return. Wish you all my best.

  79. 25yearssad says:

    I found this blog today. I feel for everyone who has posted. My story is not that uncommon. I met a kid when I was 21 (he was 23) I fell instantly in love with him. He was my ‘first’ everything. But even then, he always kept me at arms length. I was never his ‘girlfriend’ in the true sense of the word. We were on again off again until I couldn’t take being 3rd best. I met and married a man who adored me. We have been married 22 years. I never stopped thinking of him, missing him and wondering if he ever thought of me, why not me?
    About 3 years ago, my first Love contacted me via facebook. It took months before we actually met in person. the Chemistry was unbelievable! I wont go into a long drawn out story, but we eventually became intimate. But things never really changed. He was married, I was married. He asked me one time if I would “Hypothetically’ leave my husband for him. I couldnt answer that. I loved my husband. He was everything this guy was not. Dependable, loving. Over the course of 3 years, i could count how many times we were ‘intimate’ on one hand. I loved him heart and soul, but he broke my heart over and over and over. Until I finally ended it last month.
    I am so angry at myself on several levels. My husband has no clue, and I live with that. What kills me is that I am angry I cant get over this stupid man. I cried driving home from work tonight because I miss this ass so much
    25 years this has been going on (me loving and missing him and wondering why I wasn’t the one he wanted) 25 years!!! How do I break this? I have prayed to God, I have tried to ‘block him’ mentally, I’ve tried to move on and just not think of him. I know he isnt right for me…but still I cant seem to get over him.
    How do you really do it? It’s so unhealthy!

    • Petra says:

      Let me know if you’d like to talk about this, I can help. Just send me an inquiry via Contact or Coaching page and we’ll set up a consultation.

  80. Lira says:

    Hello Petra,
    At this point… Well, I don’t really know what to say. I’ve read all the articles out there, I’ve done all the different emotional cleanses, hell, I’ve even been to therapy.
    I’m seventeen (yes, yes, I know, so young), and actually I feel stupid even writing this but I figured that it couldn’t really hurt.
    I never used to believe in love – my parents don’t love each other, and I’ve never really seen a fully functional relationship – but then I met him. We were best friends for a long time, and then we got together and it was magical. We both loved each other a lot, and we both completely understood each other. Everything was great until I got pregnant. He was amazing and supportive, but exams were coming up, and I’d just had the abortion so I got stressed out and pushed him away.
    He kept on trying to make things right (we were still together, it was just a rough patch), but I never let him. Then I got insecure, and well, frankly, a little bit crazy, and things got REALLY bad. It ended up with him breaking things off – it was a very messy break-up. I knew that he still loved me, but things were too tough. I didn’t let go of us easily, and that led to him completely cutting off all contact with me.
    Both of us said things to others that I’m sure we both regret now, but at the time we hurt each other a lot. A couple of weeks after we broke up, I went to New York for two months and I changed schools.
    I moved back to my old school after two and a half months into the new school year because I missed it too much, and now I see him everyday.
    It’s been nine months, and I still miss him like crazy, and what’s worse, I think he wants to talk to me too.
    I just don’t know what to do – I’m so worried that this has scarred me forever and that I’ll never be able to trust anyone else again or be with them. I don’t even know if I WANT to be with anyone else again.
    There are so many questions that I need the answer to, but I can’t be the first one to try to talk to the other. I tried so many times after our break-up, and he rejected me every time, I couldn’t do that again. Having said that, I still need closure.
    I’m so lost, and I have absolutely no idea what to do – should I speak to him? How do I move on? Is it even possible for me to move on?

    • Petra says:

      I am sure you can move on… the question is do you really want to? If you want to talk to him, talk to him. Make an effort and see how he behaves. It will be easier for you to get over him if you see he doesn’t care any more. This way it’s all in a “what if” zone which perpetuates your confusion and fantasy of what could still be between you. So try reaching out and see what happens. Then you can decide what you’ll do with the outcome. Btw, life is messy, and it will get better… then it will get a bit worse, then better again. That’s how it is, and it’s always good to face problems straight on and resolve them, it makes them go away faster. Wish you best of luck!

  81. Diane says:

    It’s been 6 months for me…my husband walked out of our marriage for another woman…I still haven’t gotten over how quickly he moved on, while I’m still here picking up the pieces. I just want him to feel an ounce of the pain he has put me through!!! It may sound immature, but I hope his new woman ends up leaving him and ripping his heart out of his chest….Karma is a beautiful thing!

  82. John G says:

    Hi, Petra.
    I’ve just read your arrtical and it reminds me of exactly what I’m going through right now. My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me just after Christmas… Telling me all sorts of excuses as to why she had to end it her being depressed at work being the main one of them. I understand and take responsibility myself aswell I realise that I didn’t treat her as good as I could have and that on occasion I did take her for granted. She ended it and I’m struggling so much right now, she was the first girl since my first love and everything seemed so different we had planed our lives together we spent ever night together for 2 years I don’t understand how after this she can just turn off her feelings it was only December the 20th we were getting ready to look for houses she was so excited then a week later it’s over..?

    Now I feel like I’m left here with nothing I can’t eat I can’t sleep I’m at the point of I can understand why she ended it and why she wouldn’t want to be with me, but I really can’t let go. I haven’t been contacting her I learned that, that doesn’t help from my last relationship although I did text her yesterday with no reply…. But I won’t again I promise ha ha

    I really can’t see life after her or getting back to any kind of normality it feels like she was my soul mate and I’ve messed it up….

    I want her back but she obviously doesn’t want me….. Has she found someone else and is that why she ended it….
    Am I that bad of a guy that she couldn’t bear to put up with me anymore…..

    What do I do? What do you suggest?

    Thanks you for taking the time to read this.

    • Petra says:

      Hello. I don’t know why she ended it – do you trust her she gave you the right reason? If not, why not go back and ask again? If she cares about you she’ll be willing to explain. But she might not know herself what’s the problem, she may just know something is off. Can you move on? Yes you can, but please give yourself some time. It won’t happen overnight, you’ve been together for 2 years and you planned your future together. It’s hard to forget about all that and switch over night. You will have to feel shitty for a bit… before you get better. But I do think it will help to clear up your doubts with her, if you really think there is more to be said, go for it. Even if she doesn’t want to talk, that’s a message too – one that says she is not into you any more. If she is, she’ll be willing to talk and she’ll make an effort to keep you in her life, or at least keep the chance for a future re-start of your relationship.

  83. Jay says:

    Hello, I apologize in advance for my grammar, english is not my native language. I would like to share my experience. Im 25 years old, with a good job, currently getting my MD, good future, and good friends and family. I was 4 and a half years with my ex girlfriend, we were very happy together, she became my best friend, we were very vocal about our issues(small problems) and worked them out all the time, we got engaged but my girlfriend´s parents never liked me…they never mentioned a thing, but they always underestimated me and my family…and made me feel undeserving of their daughter, They´re not rich or anything…we´re on the same social class I would say (I really don´t care about those things), anyways, they never liked me and as in everything I was vocal with my GF about it…ALL THE TIME, but she always said: Just ignore them, They like you and love you, It´s all in your head.

    With this recurring issue…doubts started flooding my mind and then ´V´(let´s call her that) came into my life, she´s a 28 year old girl I met here at work, she has a daughter and had a 3 year long relationship when we met, her ex boyfriend is not the father of the kid(just clearing that up), she was nice, we had an awesome chemistry, we became friends and starting hanging out, then we started flirting and eventually we began dating. I felt terrible with myfiance about it, and after my in laws offended and made my family feel terrible at the engagement party, after trying to work things out with my GF but having her usual answers: ´It was not their intention´, ´ It´s all in your head´. I grew tired of it and broke things off with her.

    By the time that happened, I started falling for ´V´ (we were dating already, kisses, love making, everything). Before I broke up with my now ex GF, ´V´and I were really happy, we were sure of what we wanted and that was being together, I met her daughter (as a friend of her mom obviously) and the 3 of us had awesome chemistry, the kid is 7 years old, she´s a wonderful kid and made me fall more for her mom.

    ´V´ said she loved me and I honestly love her, she had everything I ever wanted in a girl (which made me realize I wasn´t truly in love with my ex). She left to visit her parents for New Years Eve and before leaving, she broke up with her boyfriend. As far as I know, she had problems with him not committing to the relationship and not wanting to have kids of his own (he´s 32), plus she said she couldn´t be with him knowing she loved me and was falling for me. I offered her support and told her she wouldn´t be dealing with that alone.

    I didn´t kept communication with my ex because I wanted to be at peace with myself and didn´t want her to suffer expecting me to return.

    When ´V´ came back for her trip (and even while away) she started giving me the cold shoulder, she acted loving and caring at times and then she was ice cold (She is a very loving person, or at the least she was all the time, we were so into each other that even coworkers knew something was up, but we didn´t care, we never kissed or anything in front of someone here at work).

    I confronted her about acting ´different´ since her return and she said she loved me but needed some time and wanted to be alone because she couldn´t be at both places (dealing with the break up and dating me) I respected her decision and gave her space, after that, I missed her alot but kept my distance, and she acted like I didn´t even existed, just the occasional: ¨I love you or I miss you ¨ text. One time I got so desperate from her not showing any emotions, I passed in front of her apartment at 4 am, only to see her ex BF and her arriving, minutes before she sent me a text wishing me good night and saying she was going to bed. I replied telling her what I saw, and she called me right away, explaining how her friend called him and was pressuring her to work things with him.

    After that, things went downhill…we started fighting she started saying we didn´t match because our personalities crashed all the time (that didn´t make any sense because we had an awesome time everytime we were together). She didn´t want me to stay away, she said she loved and that she had alot of feelings for me, but she couldn´t give me a reason to stay.

    That was a couple of weeks ago, we barely talk now, these days have been terrible for me, I cry almost everyday and think about her all the time and the thought of losing her forever is always there, to make it worse I see her everyday at work (we work for different departments, so not as much, but still it stings seeing her)

    Yesterday I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and wasn´t expecting anything in return, just getting things off my chest and get over her. We talked all day…not about feelings but regular conversation, we exchange music all the time and we use that as a way of saying how we feel for each other. After work we stayed in her car talking around 3 hours, I said everything I felt and she did as well, the only thing is that she told me that she couldn´t be with me, she said: I love you and everything but I can´t stay away from my ex, I thought I could, but I can´t. I asked her if she wanted to get back with him and she said a part of her wanted to patch things up and get back with him. She apologized and said she loved me even if I didn´t believe her. We cried and hugged for a long time and then she kissed me, after that kiss we talked about what we were going to miss the most about each other and then I left.

    Later that night I texted her saying I was very much in love with her and that I was going to make the effort to be her friend and be there for her as a friend, I honestly just want to see her and her daughter happy. She replied saying: She felt she was giving up on something beautiful and that I was a great men and felt that she shouldn´t let me go. I told her then don´t…we have something beautiful here and we haven´t had a chance to be a couple (honestly when we were together the world stopped, I know she FELT the same way too), she just circled around it and today she messaged me saying she wanted to see me smile and that she loved me, I told her I only wanted to see her happy and that I would always be there for her, she was not alone and from the bottom of my heart, even feeling like I couldn´t let her go I said: If you´re happy then Im happy and I mean that from the bottom of my heart, she said thank you and I love you flooding the message with sad emojis.

    Yesterday we agreed on having a last date…as a way of saying goodbye, the initiative came from her. Im sorry for writing this long comment, but I don´t know what´s up with her…she says she loves me, but can´t be with me…I´d be there for her right this instant if she asked me too…Im aware of my situation and if a friend was going through that I´d tell him to leave her right away and forever.

    Im broken, honestly…I´ve never felt this way about someone, she makes me happy and hurts me at the same time.

    She´s not an attention seeker since she´s a very beautiful, and cool girl (overall) and has a lot of guys after her. Im good looking too but I don´t get the same attention from girls. I was surprised she felt the same way I did in the first place, since it was never my intention to like her, fall for her, and love her. We we´re just friends who shared stuff and had awesome conversations.

    Please help me, I feel terrible.

    Ps. I had dinner with ex GF this past weekend to see how she was doing since she´s an awesome girl and don´t want to see her suffer, I saw her doing well and we both agreed that the meeting didn´t made us feel ´the click´ we had.

    I know I have to stay away from ´V´ but Im so in love with her…I don´t know how. Just looking at those eyes kills me.

    • Petra says:

      Hi there. Life is messy, love is messy… I think this was a pretty good proof for you how all that starts well doesn’t always end well. I guess your V isn’t sure what she wants, she has feelings for you but obviously has stronger feelings for her ex, that’s why she keeps a distance from you. What can you do? I guess continue with your life, move on and if she comes back – great, if she doesn’t – at least you’ll be in a better place. If you feel a conversation or coaching might help, do send me a consultation request (via Contact or Coaching page), and we’ll talk it through.

  84. Brian says:

    I have been with the mother of my 2 boys for 10 years and she just broke it off . I am beyond devastated .But I know if I go back to her , I will experience the same pain again , but I still love her so much . I want to move on but I can’t get her out of my mind . I wanted to share everything with her . Many things do not make sense without her in my life .

    • Petra says:

      Hi, I know it’s tough, and if you’d like to talk about it and explore ways to move on, do contact me for a consultation. Just send an inquiry via Coaching or Contact page and we’ll take it from there.

  85. klm72185 says:

    Hello there would love your advice and hopefully feel a lot different in 3 months and be able to come back to this with an update. I am 29 was in a relationship from 20-28 (married for 2 years & divorced last year due to him cheating on me with my friend/neighbor). Took a year of self discovery, therapy, job change, buying my own house.. back on my feet to happy and whole. I tried the internet dating pool went on a handful.. then met “J”. (he was single for 5 years now, a former marine, and a fireman).. it was a friendship that turned into a relationship.. he asked to be exclusive.. I agreed when there was not one person I thought of besides him since meeting him. 2 months later he told me he loved me, I felt the same. Christmas time he bought me a beautiful necklace of the ega.. now he broke it off almost 2 weeks ago because he said we were on 2 different paths. That his schedule wasn’t going to change (we saw each other 2-3 hours a week) and that he felt I didn’t appreciate the time he had to give… I did say I missed him, and tried other ways to try and connect… but in the end all I told him I felt he was making a mistake and throwing something good away that a relationship requires a little effort and compromise, but I respect his decision if this is what he would like. He felt a relationship should be easy peezy. Anyway, I’m heartbroken.. I fell for him.. It’s been almost 2 weeks and I have been no contact.. I feel deep down in my intuition this is wrong but I wont force/persuade anyone to want to be with me. I don’t want to compare every new guy I meet to him, how do I let him go even though it doesn’t feel right to?

    • Petra says:

      Hi, I believe if he was truly into you, and if he was the right guy for you – things would be easier, and you’d find a way. You’d both be willing to make that effort and compromise because you’d both feel it’s worth it. Obviously, he didn’t think so – and you are right, you can’t force or persuade someone to be with you. He has to want it as much as you do.

  86. Aaron says:

    Hi Petra,

    My wife of 3 years ( an item for 6 ) brokw up with me 2 months ago on my daughters birthday. She claims she still loves me and always will but does not want me anymore. When asked fir the reasons why she put it down to me working and the amount of shifts I do ( I work in the ambulance service ).we have talked about this numerous times since and the excuse flicks between work commitments and the fact that other people are making things difficult due to the usual gossip that surrounds these kind of break ups. I have tried and tried to talk about it with her and sort things out but evwn though we know where the problem lies she wont entertain working it out. Im so in love with this woman I cry myself to sleep , drink my self to sleep , cant get thoughts of her out of my head, im constantly twxting her just to try and maintain some element of contact. I just cannot accept how she has dropped everything we stand for overnight

    Please any thoughts on how to help !?

    • Petra says:

      I am afraid that you can’t make her want to be with you. That is her decision. You’ve made it clear that you want her back, now it’s up to her to take you back. What you can do is start looking forward – how to move to a better place, accept the fact your marriage is over (at least for now) and start healing from the breakup. I know it’s not easy but that’s the only thing that is under your control, and you will gradually be better. Texting your wife, drinking, crying yourself to sleep and other things you are doing right now will not help you get her back. I am sure there were other issues in your marriage apart from your working hours, if she was happy in your relationship otherwise she would not leave you for that. Let me know if you’d like to talk about it more, we can have a consultation or coaching sessions. Please send an inquiry via Coaching or Contact page.

  87. Syd says:

    Hi Petra,

    I came across this website so desperate to get over someone. He and I are best friends and a few months back, things started to progress toward more. He then told me that he wanted something casual (but I wanted a relationship), so we stopped and went back to being simply best friends. We hang out all the time as friends, but I still love him and he knows. I went on a date yesterday and it was great and I told my friend who said he’s so happy that I did this. But I feel like I’m being dishonest with this other guy a little, because I don’t have closure with my friend. I don’t know what to do and feel like crap. Any advice??

    • Petra says:

      Your friend clearly doesn’t want the same thing as you. If you want to be fully honest to new dates, then you need to get over him first. Maybe ask yourself what is so special about this guy, and why do you feel he is the one for you. If he’s not interested in a serious relationship at all, that tells you he is not boyfriend material. And that’s just one of his minuses. Can you find some more? Once you understand he’s not the right guy for you, you will fall out of love (you can still stay friends). If it feels like you’ll never stop loving him, then you might consider not being in touch with him for a while. If he’s a true friend he’ll understand you need a break.

  88. Keda says:

    Hello, i was 3 years in a relation with a girl, i dont what should i call that relation though, we used to share EVERYTHING! ,used to talk daily at night, everything was so much fun couldnt go an hour without eachother, i proposed her many times too 1st time she rejected later v got more close n she used to say its not the right time, we were waiting for the perfect moment. one bad day arrived wen she was on tour n got close to another guy in 8 days, i knew he was a threat n had told her stay away from him before the tour. now she is in relationship with him which she doesnt wants to be in, after tour she said she wants to be with me but i said you should stop being with him, its me or him. she cried a lot. after that tour we kept having fights daily…its was like 1 great day 4 bad days, she still talks with me at night over him but still in relation with him ,doesnt replies to my i love you like before, gets mad at me and takes so long to patch, i love her so much…i keep crying for her…should i keep trying gaining her love back, 4 months for the tour now. please help!

    • Petra says:

      You have to talk to her and see if she really wants you or this new guy. If you’d like to move on and forget about her, than let me know – I can help with that.

  89. Percy says:

    I am in that situation now. we broke up early november of last year and I am still completely in love with him. Honestly, I dont want to move on. I want him back, I want him to be mine again. I’ve tried having realtionships since and I end up breaking it off because I dont want to lead someone on for so long while I love someone else. This man took my virginity, he is my fist and only love. I know he is leaving me next year and going to join the marine corps, but why cant we have all the time up until then. I, I dont know what to do anymore, I see him almosy everyday at school because he is in my classes. I can’t avoid him and I dont want to. He skips and when I dont see him across the room in his seat my heart drops and I pray he hasnt dropped out. It’s an excuse to be around him and just look at him.

    any help would be appreciated 🙂

    • Petra says:

      You say you don’t want to move on. Then you have two more choices: stay in this state for the rest of your life, while he moves on (he already did) and happily follows his own path, gets married, has kids, divorces, marries again… who knows, or – find a way to force him into being with you, against his will. Which one do you prefer?

  90. Bill says:

    Looking for advice on this blog.

    I’ve been kind of dating this woman for over a year. We met at a New Years party at a mutual friends on New Years of 2014. She is by far the most beautiful amazing woman I have ever met. She is an amazing mom of two great boys (21,16) respectively. I have one son 8yo. I am absolutely in love with this woman. I have done so much for her but I don’t keep track I like to make her happy.

    I am still goin through an ugly seperation and have been for the last four years. To make a long story short my sons mom wants everything and more however there’s nothing more to give. She is pushing to go to a family court trial,my side ( lawyer and I) have tried everything possible to avoid this but she is still insisting on it.

    However I do not let this get involved or talk about this situation with the woman I have been dating. I am in love with her and do not want to blow it by reliving the past.

    Back to the love of my life. My issues are everytime I try to do something that she wants it seems to backfire only this time I think it’s done.

    An example of this is her birthday is Christmas Day. She really wanted this coffee table that opens and you can put things in like a trunk but in our very small community there is only one guy that made it so she pre ordered it. It was ready in November so I paid for it and asked that they not tell her as it was a present for her. When she found out I did that she lost it on me and didnt talk to me for a week.

    So now the last weekend of jan some of the girls she works with planned a surprise party for her. At her work one day taking her back from a luncheon i seen the friend that was planning the party. I went and spoke with her in regards to the party. Keeping the surprise descreet one of her friends told her I had some concerns lately to see if she was okay or something was bothering her. When she found out again she “lost” it on me and not so kindly reminded me that we are not in a relationship.

    So what I am trying to figure out is is she still worth perusing or is it time to call it quits. Yes I am In love with this woman with all my heart but I kinda feel like a dog chasing a parked car. I feel like if everything I have done and believe me there has been lots does not convince her to be with me I never will convince her. Either I am not good enough or she is holding out for someone better

    • Petra says:

      I am not sure what is exactly the problem and why she was so upset with you – all your surprises seem like nice surprises. Maybe you could explain a bit more. Also not sure if you are still dating her or not? What is “kinda dating”? Also, just seems to me you like to keep secrets… positive or negative ones, if you are in a committed relationship with someone, you should be honest about your issues and your private situation. If she loves you she’ll understand your problems, and support you. I know you think she may not be interested in your separation, but a true partner would want to know all of you, not just the nice bits. But – as I still don’t understand if you are dating her or not, can’t really give you proper guidance on this situation.

  91. Kayla says:

    Petra,

    I am going through this right now. The love of my life-the person who I thought without a doubt was “the one” and my true soul mate has broken up with me today, and point blank told me that he’s sorry but I’m just “not the one for him” and that there is no chance for a reconciliation ever. I am so heartbroken that I can’t eat or sleep, all I can do is cry. I’ve never known that I could hurt so badly. It feels like there will never be light in my life again.

    • Petra says:

      Dear Kayla, I am so sorry you feel this way and please let me know if you think a consultation would help. Just send your request via Coaching or Contact page.

  92. Colette says:

    Hi
    I think I need some advice please. I’d gotten with a guy, a friend of a friend, after months of ‘will they won’t they’ in June of last year, just before I moved back to my hometown, after university ended (for me) 3 and a half hours away. He waited for me all summer until we started to see each other again whilst I stayed at his place for weeks on end, around August and September time, with the intention of me moving back to London (the town of my university) and us really making a go of it. The problem is, at the time, it became financially unviable for me to be able to move back and so, had to move back to my hometown. The guy broke it off with me as he understandably, couldn’t do a long distance thing anymore. This was September last year on the basis that when I do eventually move back (and we’re both still single) we could try again. I’ve been back various times around every two months visiting friends and every time he’s gotten in touch, asking for me to see him cos he misses me but I’ve always refused as he’s always asked me whilst drunk and at unsociable hours and I think this is a confidence thing – he’s too scared to ask sober and thinks he will be rejected. Anyways, I have been trying to save and move back for so long to no avail as theres always someone who needs paying and some debt in the way and it’s been months and Im starting to wonder if I’ll ever be able to move back (not just for him, I miss my friends although he is a big reason) I need closure or for something to happen between us. I don’t feel I can leave it like this and i know he cares. We haven’t been in contact for over a month but he told me he’ll always care, whether he’s over me or not is another matter. I just need advice because I feel totally nieve but I don’t want any one else. I know we could be good together if I could give it a proper shot but I don’t even know if it’s possible any more and it’s starting to affect my anxiety and my life as I’m down a lot of the time and last time we talked he was debating moving to Canada for a job offer after this summer so I feel like time is running out and I need to try this before I drive myself insane from never knowing. I know just from reading this back Its all kind of ridiculous and desperate but it’s how I’m feeling. Please give me some much needed clarity and perspective on this situation

    Thanks

    • Petra says:

      I think you two need to have an honest conversation and see how badly you both want to be together. If you both do, you’ll find a way. I know finances are a big obstacle but if this guy is truly into you, you can survive for a while seeing each other occasionally and at the same time work towards you moving back to London. But first talk to him. He might be into you for real, but he might just use the distance as an excuse to not get real. And this time make it on your terms – announce your visit (when you’re going there next) and meet him when he’s sober and not in some strange hours. If he wants to meet and talk about your future then he is seriously into you, otherwise it might just be a booty call from his end. Once you’re clear on that it will be much easier for you to make the right decisions for yourself regarding work and life, and you’ll have more energy to concentrate on life right here and now, rather than “what if” scenarios.

  93. Isaac CHay says:

    So,my story goes like this,I’ve developed a very deep love for this girl named Vanessa,she too has developed the same feelings for me.i thought without a doubt that she was my soulmate,the person who I’ll marry and life happily together.So it all started when we talked again cause she was in her first relationship of 8 months with a guy which didn’t end well.you see,I’ve loved her even before that for a year.But then I told her I loved her before she started dating with the guy but she turned me just because she was afraid.then flash foward to November 22nd we started talking,I still loved her and I loved her even more when we started talking.So then I asked her “I love you,and you love me.what are we going to do about it”she turned me down again because she didn’t want to lose me if we ever broke up.then a few weeks later she made it clear that she didn’t want a relationship but a life partner instead,So i agreed to it.She said she only loved me.but then just yesterday(february 6th,2015)I saw her text messages saying she Fell in love with someone else and continued to fall in love with him everyday.I’ve never felt this heartbroken in my life,I just want to kill myself right now.I don’t want this love anymore.then today(february 7th,2015)we couldn’t text each other because her mum found out about me.Her mom doesn’t want her to be in a relationship because studies come first,I know that but I just can’t forgive myself for that.So basically i need help for being broken and for her mum

    • Petra says:

      I know it’s hard to hear things like that but the reality is this girl was never into you. She was only keeping you as backup while she was dating other men. I know it’s hard to hear that but it’s the truth. Her actions and words confirm it. If she was in love with you she would want to be with you right now, right there. Please don’t be said or disappointed, she is just one girl. You will find someone who will love you back the same way. This girl is clearly not your best match nor your soul mate, otherwise you’d be together. It is just your idea of her as your soul mate that is making you so sad, but think about it this way: if she doesn’t see you as her soul mate, why do you think she is the one for you? Wish you all my best and to get better soon.

  94. Marie Shay says:

    Hello there Petra. I really appreciate that you took time to respond back to comment and I want to thank you for that. First things first, I apologize for my English since it’s not my first language..I would also like to share my ridiculous story because it really makes me feel better ( at first I wasn’t even planning to post it) I have been in love with this boy for five years now. I was 14 years old at that time and he was 16. I met him while attending a really rough camp. He was from another school. Art first I didn’t really like him at all and he absolutely annoys the heck out of me but when the camping experience got nasty ( it was really rough, shouting, running etc) he was the only one who cared enough to worry about me. I’ve been called fat my whole life and boys usually treated me like dirt, people here are skinny and petite and i’m tall than most boys at the time so they considered me as fat. I got confused as to why he even bothered with me so I started to just accept his kindness and I found him rather fascinating. (I was in his group). But even after all his kindness I was interested in this other boy (I was fascinated by the male species i’m sorry). They seemed to be interested in me but I didn’t really know at that time because i’m still new to the real world where boys could possibly respect you for you.Anyways, I have been observing them but sometimes I feel like they were just playing to see which one will have me. (who knows?) well after sometimes the one i’m in love with (lets call him john for now) really really took interest in me and he’s even obvious about it. I was embarrassed at first because I don’t know how to react so I just kept quiet. he even confessed to our other group friends that he likes me when I went to the bathroom and again, I was embarrassed so I just deny it and kept quiet. John did really cared for me at the camp since I was new to the shouting and all that stuff, I even cried in front of the person’s in charge or handling the camp because he went to talk to me alone when he noticed that I suck ( I thought it would be a happy camping type of thing) But after 5 days it was time to leave. It was rather sudden and I didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye to him because my parents were already there to pick me up. After I got home I cried my eyes out and went to sleep for such a long time. I woke up and I cried again. I cried because I realized that I loved him and that I never got the chance to do anything about it. Every since then, a crush I got on a boy at my own school went away ( he turned out to be a an a hole) and I was miserable. I tried finding him on Facebook but I couldn’t. At the first month, I would cry for him every single night when I think about him and when I had a bad day ( ridiculous , I know). After awhile I stop crying frequently but sometimes I have my moments when i can’t stop thinking about him. I vowed to myself that I would see him again and that makes me feel a lot better. Over the years, I’ve seen some people that would resemble him and then the feelings comes again. I’ve met 3 people that looks somewhat like him. After 3 years I get to see him. I was really shocked actually. We had this marching competition between other school, and my school were short on people so some teacher called me to force me to join (yes , they have the authority to do so) I was really scared at first because the camp really traumatized me( I don’t like the shouting) but then she hanged up and told me she was going to call me later because she got some stuff at that time. At the second call, my friends who were the one who called me ( the teacher is a devious scheming old hag I tell you ) she persuaded me at first and then I told her that I didn’t have the transportation to go there ( I lied ) and then she literally said that maybe John could take me there( we were on the same type of curriculum, its like a club thingie that all the school have) she then gave the phone to John ( she also knows that John liked me 3 years ago) and I could not believe it was him. I wouldn’t believe that it was really him but he kept insisting. Finally when I do I was still shocked but we talked for a bit (It was the happiest day of my life) he persuaded me to join my own school marching group since he has already graduated high school and he is only helping around. After he hung up, I cried my eyes out again, I wished that I could have saved the conversation we had so just I could hear his voice.( crazy i know) and then the next day I went to join the marching competition ( it was only the training first. I was scared (again) because I don’t know most of the people there ( I tend to stand alone ). But when the training started, I saw him. I literally could not believe myself even after all these years. He was the same height as I am ( I told you i’m huge) but I was fine with that as long as I can see his face. But you know what I really regret the most? I didn’t even say anything to him. I just pretended that he didn’t matter to me at all. and then it was all over. But when I got home I found his Facebook accidentally. I added him and I was just going to say hello but then I chicken out at the last moment ( I still have no experience with dating boys since it was still in my ugly era so no one wants an ugly fat girl. I was hoping that he would talk to me over the chat but he didn’t. I was so heartbroken then even though it’s my own fault. I started to stalk his Fb profile ,I went back to the year he met me. I found something that made me question if he really liked me then. His sister got married to someone with the same religion as me at that time ( yeah and that is also the reason why I love him at first, he didn’t care about the difference in our religion) and I started thinking that maybe he’s just interested with any girl with a different religion. I got so sad for awhile but surprised surprised I still love him. After awhile I started blocking him from Facebook because some of his post really upsets me for no reason. I would stalk his profile sometimes just to see where he is now and then this one day, I discovered that he’s got into a relationship with a girl I know from the camp ( she shouted at me and then got angry at me when she thought I would do something not aloud in my religion when she herself do it ( she’s a two face ho). Anyway I literally felt betrayed even though he doesn’t owe me anything. But until now for some reason ( i’m 18 now) I still love him.I tried to look more prettier along the years with makeup, etc (because boys here will treat you like dirt if you don’t look pretty or beautiful) and I even got some admires along the years (but since all of them were shy, they never approach me and they only liked me for my looks)I didn’t mind anyway because I was never interested in anyone but John. I know i’m stupid for loving a boy I met in five days and when i’m in my hormonal stage but i’m trying really hard to forget him. But I really hate him sometimes since he’s hurt me for 5 years without even realizing it. I don’t ever want to see him again ( I also realized along the years that girls really like him). and anyways, I really tried to find someone but I just don’t know how to and when they flirt with me, I got so scared and awkward. I never told anyone about this and it’s good to just let it out from my chest. Thank you for reading. I really reeally appreciate what you’re doing.

    • Petra says:

      Do you have contact with him, like see him from time to time (not just online contact)? If not – there is really no point for you to fantasize about a boy you met so briefly so long ago. If you want to have a boyfriend you need to look around and find one that likes you now, and not someone who doesn’t even know you. I know it sounds harsh but you just have this unrealistic idea of him being special, it’s not reality. You’re in love with your idea of him, not him. You are very young and I am sure life will bring you more and better relationship experiences, but honestly – sitting and waiting and dreaming about this boy is just wasting time, unless you do something about it. Contact him and see if he’s interested in going on a date or doing something together. If he doesn’t feel the same as you – that will be a good reality check that might finally help you snap out of this crush. If he does – then great, you can be together. Just do something about it, I am sure you don’t want the next 5 years to pass by and you’re still in love with him from a distance… that’s not a great way to spend your youth. Good luck and wish you all my best.

  95. meli says:

    Hello petra , i didnt want to leave any comment here, but i really love to share my story with someone who is expert in relationships. ive been in love with a guy for almost 4 years. i was studying in paris, i met him there but it was just dating and nothing serious, we dated like once a while and every time was just for a dinner and going to his house . at that time i knew he does not have any feelings since we didnt meet a lot and he had some distance relationship and also i think he was in love with someone , im not sure about this tho. but till almost a year and half ago i came back to my country and somehow he found a work close to my country, we talked a lot through whatsapp, and he invited me to the country he lives for holiday, and that is in may 2014. i went to his house for a week , we had a great time , he organised so many stuffs for me to do and also he booked somewhere very nice in a different city to go for two nights, everything was great. so all my feelings for him came back and after a month he again told me to go on holiday with him , we went to a holiday for a week to another country , he did so much for me, he almsot planed everything before going to holiday, he payed for everything, we argued one day , but i guess it wasnt very important argue and we had very good ending and when we were going to say goodbye in airport he cried which was very shocking to me and i was like why you are crying and he said im going to miss you, i dono when im going to see you and these stuffs.and also at that time he told me he had a distance relationship before in paris and he wasnt looking for anything serious but now he is looking for a girl to be with. we planed something els after 1 month for my birthday to go to meet him. and he was trying to show me he is trying surprise me but when i get there he didnt do surprise me with something special so i got mad at him and i told him why you made my expectations so high when you were not doing anything.anyway i stayed there for a week, it wasnt bad at all at the end at the airport he again started crying and i started talking to him, and told him i have feelings for you and i want to know where you are ( i should tell you before i go to the third holiday he told me he started to have feelings for me ) he said i have feelings for you i dont want a commitment not, and i had distance relationship before it wasnt good so i dont want like that anymore. when i left i told him lets not talk anymore he said no lets try to see how it goes , he was trying a lot , he was texting me everyday, and i know since i had this feeling that he never going to love me since he told me already he doesnt want any commitment and also i knew he is still in contact with his ex and the other exes. so i didnt know why he was trying for anything, so i got angry for even small things which i know that was very wrong and made him think im very controlling and angry always . anyway after two months he said its better to have a break i knew it means he doesnt want anything. so we tried to keep the relationship but it was very hard for me to talk to him and knowing he is not into me and we didnt talk like before anymore not that close, so its been 5 weeks that i told him its better to talk anymore so i can forget you ,and he said ok anytime you feel ok you can text me, and still im here thinking of him. i want to know what you think about this relationship and how i can get over him.
    thank you

    • Petra says:

      Long distance relationships are really hard (do check my latest blog for advice on that), and you need to be fully committed – both of you – for that type of relationship to work. He obviously wasn’t. He seems quite immature emotionally, a bit lost in what he wants from life and love. Ask yourself: why do I want to be with a guy who isn’t sure if he wants me? He’s not worth all the trouble.

      • meli says:

        just one question: i am not the person to show my feelings, so when i showed to him i kinda had the feelings that he likes me too, but after i heard what he said that made me so annoyed that why i showed my feelings, so do you think he had some feelings for me or he was just playing around and his tears was unreal?

        • Petra says:

          If he wants to be with you, he’ll do something about it. Actions speak louder than words, always. But if you are still unsure what his actions mean, you’ll have to make it clear by showing him how you feel. I know that means you’ll be vulnerable and exposed, but that’s the only way to be 100% sure.

          • meli says:

            petra, as i said it before, we dont talk anymore, cuz i told him i need to forget him , and i wrote for you that i told him how i felt and he said i have the same thing but i cant think about committing but after that he tried for almost two months to keep me but at some point he told me he cant, what makes me angry now is i think he played with me , and i dont know if he had feelings or it was just playing.

          • Petra says:

            He might not be playing you on purpose, but it seems he is confused about his feelings. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to continue this emotional rollercoaster, or move on and find a guy who is sure he wants you. He has to show it with his actions, not just words.

  96. N says:

    Hi Petra,

    It’s been almost a year since my relationship came to a close. This man and I were together since I was 18 and he was 20. I am now 27. He cut the cord last March. We had a very nasty breakup. He had been shutting down for weeks. Over the years he tended to have mood swings and stayed on an emotional rollercoaster and as a result he would frequently become distant. I always forgave him blaming his demanding work schedule that I knew was draining the life out of him since he started the job when we first met. I always felt sorry for him and supported him through his daunting on-call schedule. That final night he slammed doors, punched things, cursed me out, shut me out, but also cried his eyes out due to the overwhelming stress of his job and lifestyle and how he felt guilty for hurting me over the years–admitting while sobbing on his knees that he was an “asshole,” a “jerk” and that he “can’t be the man I deserve.”
    He left me in a heartless way at a time when my health was declining, (which he did not know and I did not know the severity of it) my aunt who had been very ill for years had just passed a month before he left me, and 10 days later I was laid off from a good job that was finally worth my college degree and took three years to find post-grad. So he left at a time when I was really at a weak point.
    During the first half of the relationship, from about the first month it was evident that he was troubled and had anger issues (my father is highly intuitive, as am I, and he did warn me of this many times. I saw the red flags but kept trying to help him to fix his past and fix us) and was carrying baggage from his past relationships all consisting of the women lying / cheating and having serious problems, as well as him facing paternal abandonment, but he was still very loving and giving as best he knew how. He was my best friend. He was there during death, illness and hardship in my family. In turn, I know that my family and I literally helped saved him from the road he was going down by introducing life-changing concepts and love that he had never received from anyone except his own mother (who by the way is a wonderful woman who really loved me, did a lot for me, was there for me whenever her son hurt me and whom I still love. She still reaches out occasionally and tells me she loves me. She knows I’m the only woman who loved and respected her son).
    He cheated on me four years in with an ex girlfriend from his teenage years who had been very cruel to him and even had two kids by different men when she cheated on him years before. Mind you that he had never cheated before and he always voiced his resentment towards cheaters for years since we got together. I tried to move on but he came back shortly after things failed with her. The pain was indescribable but my motivation was to focus on excelling and graduating college. And I did! But we never became official until about a year after the cheating incident because although he knew he loved me, he was always confused about what he wanted. Not just with me but he was a very indecisive person in general–even about major life decisions.
    Let’s just say that he “talked to” a couple other women who never worked out in between me, (one he didn’t even tell me about them being more than friends until just before he was about to take me to a party where she was going to be there. The nerve and disrespect!! But he didn’t realize I already figured out they had been more than friends. At that point they were in turmoil. It was very awkward as I was the elephant in the room among their mutual friends. This is one of 1000 instances where he was inconsiderate. Why subject the woman you love to that drama?) and like a fool I always let him back in. This man was a true romantic and it all went out the window over the years. It felt like I often became a chore and secondary to his friends. He even stopped buying cards and stopped trying as hard for our anniversary and for holidays because he said I should already know he loves me. I feel like I expressed my love for him so much that it always pushed him away. When things were great, they were wonderful but when they were bad, they were horrendous and out of control. All in all he left four times over the years saying he was overwhelmed and needed space.
    The fourth time & final breakup I vowed to myself that regardless of my pain, I was done. It took six months of hearing not a word from him and my staying silent when one day, the phone rang. Three weeks later I called him back and he was elated to hear from me. Once he found out I had gotten very sick over the months, he admitted that he felt horrible for leaving me the way he did and that he wasn’t there for me through what transpired. He told me he came to realize that I always had his back and he kept repeating that I’m a great girl. I became weak and we had a couple of rendezvous at the end of 2014, and it was apparent that he missed what he had but that he wasn’t ready to commit to me or to anyone–he said. He said he still loves me but felt he couldn’t measure up to give me the love I gave him and deserve and that he doesn’t know if we are meant to ultimately be together. He said he can’t have a life with someone whose dad hates him. (My dad doesn’t hate him by the way).
    A few things I did not add–1. Everytime he has left he comes back wanting to always remain “cordial” because he said he couldn’t live with knowing that I hate him. 2. Things really fell apart because my father resented him after he cheated on me and I still live at home due to my health and job instability. He was banned from our house the 2nd half of our relationship–after the cheating. It tore our relationship apart because it became harder to spend time. But…I won’t be living here forever!
    3. He was often a man of excessive pride who, among many instances, did not want to apologize to my family for the pain he caused me after cheating although he was close with them since I live with them. Once he apologized (at my college graduation of all places) after I begged him for three months to make amends with my family, it was too late and my father nearly fought him and forbade him from our family. Why should I have to beg a real man to apologize to my family who treated them like one of their own? Isn’t that just called respect? It would be different if he had no relationship with them. 4. I believe he always felt he was in competition with me. I excelled academically in comparison to him as he dropped out of college a few times and never finished; people would ask him how he got a woman like me; my social circle was more well-rounded, cultured, educated; I travelled a bit, etc. But none of that mattered to me! I loved him for who he was. He said at the end he believed that we were too different and he couldn’t see himself growing with me because financially he was well-off and our lives were going in different directions (which is true) since he was set with his new first house, a car and career (which he dislikes and is still destroying his quality of life) and that I’m still finding myself and have never lived on my own nor do I have a car–and that I still have more living to do that he has already done. He says he wishes he had the words to talk about this before we broke up. He always told me over the years how much potential I have and that he never wants to hold me back. 5. After we reunited 8 months post-breakup, I could tell he has not really changed and that although he has acquired assets that I have not, he isn’t taking much care of himself because he’s always working long hours night and day, and because the company he keeps doesn’t take care of themselves either. Some of them are fun people, but they just mostly just go to work, drink, go out and chill. He even started smoking hookah after we broke up and he was always anti-smoking. There’s no sense of enlightenment, culture or growth in his circle. It’s like I don’t even know him anymore yet I recognize him clear as day. He even admitted years ago that with me he felt he could do so much more that his friends or exes never wanted to do. We used to literally go on adventures. It’s like he died halfway through our eight years together. I never felt superior to him due to our lifestyle differences. I supported him and always encouraged him. I believe he truly must have felt inferior.
    I was blindsided yet I had seen the signs all along. I have not heard from this man in over a month since questioning his motives as to how he could feel so concerned about my health since our breakup yet in the same sentence wants to get me in the bed. He told me “farewell” because I should know that he doesn’t just talk to me for sex and that he “misses my company” and “truly cares about me and my health.” True, he reached out a few times to solely see how my health was for about a month, but once he figured out that I wanted him too, it was always followed by sexual remarks. That’s selfish to me. The man saw and was disturbed at how much weight I had lost from being sick yet he quickly admitted he wanted to get me in the bed. If it were me, I would be petrified to see him sick and very thin and intimacy wouldn’t be much on my mind. If it were–I would be almost afraid to tell him. Especially if after eight years I still didn’t want to commit! That’s a very thin line to walk. I would want to wholly love and support him if he were sick.
    I know deep inside he loves me and cares. I love this man, but have been so severely hurt. I still care to know he is ok but I cannot reach out. I struggle with the pain of his absence and what he has done to me everyday and I know it isn’t helping my health as my body has really weakened from my illness. I want to move on with my life but I am struggling just alone with my health not to mention the pain of getting over him. He was my first real relationship and true love. I’ve only talked to / been with a few other people before and it wasn’t serious. He on the other hand has been in a string of four “long term” relationships (including me) from age 16-27 and the longest he was ever single was for 6 months before me. Even then, he still casually dated. I know that he will live with guilt that I never will feel as I truly have given him my all. He always has put effort into friends and associates who have all hurt him deeply or who haven’t been trustworthy. At one point, I was his only friend. The rest had betrayed him and left. I’m the only one who has never hurt him yet I got hurt the most. He often didn’t appreciate me until I was gone. I have nothing left to give. This isolation from my illness has me thinking about a lot, but no one around me except some family understand and one or maybe two friends understand the true pain I am in. I feel as though there is still a light within me that is waiting to shine but that there is a thick daunting coating of pain that is suppressing me. Like part of me has died. I miss him terribly yet feel so stuck and foolish. I definitely feel worthy of a better man and true love someday when my mind and body are healed, but I just miss him so much. I would appreciate your help. Thank you.

    • Petra says:

      You need to think of your health and yourself first and foremost. Your ex is emotionally unstable and immature – therefore incapable of being a loving partner. His life is total mess. He is a total mess. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t know what love is. You need to wake up, and start moving on, like – for real. This so far hasn’t been moving on, but lingering and messing about. That is not going to bring you emotional healing. Cut off all ties, all contact and just forget about him. That is the only way forward. The reason you still hang on to him and his “love” is because you didn’t experience a healthy relationship. This wasn’t it. The guy who treats you like he did does not love you. Not because he doesn’t want to – but because he simply cannot. Is not able. Is too messed up to love. Is too unaware of what love is and should be. He’s not doing it on purpose, but that doesn’t mean you should tolerate him. You can’t save him either. You tried for long enough. What you can and should do is take care of yourself, heal your body, then your emotional wounds, and then go and find someone who will actually love and treat you with respect. Don’t linger because he was your first love. So what? That is why it’s called “first” because there is more to come. And you need to mature as well, and you need to understand that you are worth more. No more abusive, childish, tormented men. You don’t need that – unless you want your life to be non-stop drama. What you lived through with him has probably attributed to your illness too. Think about it. Life isn’t made for suffering, but overcoming it. You’ve had enough of it, I think. Take care.

  97. D says:

    This post came at the right time for me. SIGH! It’s been over 5 months since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. Intellectually, I know I’m going through the grieving process, I just am surprised at how I feel. I think & hope I am getting over him. I unfortunately still feel anger towards him & I don’t want to, but sadly I do. I know I will never get back with him & I never want to, but I don’t want to give him any more of my time & energy. Please! Help me to get over this! My relationship was a lesson in total humiliation. I had 13 losses in my family in 2 years. I did not want to break up with him because I did not want another loss, & I was lonely & wanted to be in a relationship. I gave 3 hundred % to make it work. The end result was finally facing that this man was using me. He never had any serious intentions with me but led me to believe that something “may” happen, when in reality, he never had any intentions whatsoever. I totally sold myself short in this relationship. He never told me he loved me, I found out he was addicted to transgendered & teen pornography, he was a cross dresser, he lied to me & I wasn’t what he was looking for, yet he led me on. He ended up destroying some of my belongings & treated me very badly. He was mentally, verbally & financially abusive. He was a 46 year old virgin, has Aspergers & deep seated emotional problems. He has anger issues & I was the first relationship he had ever been in. I have never met someone so selfish self centered, cheap & so narcissistic. I was in so much denial, but I finally woke up. He tells people our relationship was a “learning experience” for him. Such bullshit. He used me for sexual experience. I don’t even think he is capable of love. How can you be with someone almost every day for 18 months & not fall in love with them?! It’s called using someone….I have never felt so unattractive & unloved in a relationship. It was so very hurtful & awful. I am focusing on loving & nurturing myself through my healing & knowing that I have to come first to me. I am now Manifesting what I REALLY want in a relationship & I won’t settle until I find that person. I know he is around the corner. Thank you for your blog. Any insights for me?

    • Petra says:

      Your relationship was truly a learning experience – maybe for him, but definitely for you. Look how many things you discovered about yourself, what you want and what you don’t want to happen in your next relationship. You also discovered your strength, and immensely grew emotionally. That is no small achievement. You should be proud of yourself for what you learned, and over the moon you got rid of the man who clearly wasn’t for you nor could give you the love and respect you deserve. You are very right, you shouldn’t settle – that is the way forward, and the only way that will bring you what you want. From what you wrote, seems to me you are well on the way to recovery – but if you don’t feel like it’s going that well, If you’d like that contact me for a consultation (via Coaching or Contact page). I see a couple of potential issues but can’t be sure without talking to you. Take care.

  98. Danni says:

    My ex and I were together 4 years. He had planned to come to school here, had paid his fees and we were looking forward to him coming back. He had gone home to help his family move states. He was only supposed to be gone for 3 months. As the weeks went on he became distant. At the same time as he went home, my grand mother passed away. So we were both in the middle of major upheavals in our lives.
    Then one day out of the blue (well for me it was), he called me on his cell and said he didn’t think we should be romantically connected anymore. Then proceeded to hang up. I was broken. I was going through the biggest loss of my life up to that point, and he had just made it seem impossible for me to even think straight. He then didn’t talk to me for the next six months. I had no explanation, no closure, no support, nothing. I started to send all his things back via the post and then I got an email from him asking to talk to me. I didn’t respond straight away.
    I eventually did reply. I guess I was hoping for an explanation, or even a realization from him that it was a sudden decision and therefore a mistake. He said he didn’t want to give me a false hope that we would get back together, but wished for me to stay in his life and that he wanted to remain close friends. We gave Christmas gifts to each other. And he Skyped me almost daily. We played online games together. I even chatted a few times to his mother again who said she was happy we were “back together”. I know, I was terribly confused and hoped beyond hope we could pull off the impossible. If I could just show him all the good he was missing about me…
    He joined a dating site, I got upset and told him that I knew. He replied he was confused. Carried on visiting it for a while then I started to pull away and he stopped going there for a few weeks. Then the bomb the night before Valentines day. He announced that he don’t think he would ever be coming back this way. I took that as we wont be getting back together at all. Sure enough he was visiting the dating site the next night. I haven’t spoken to him since. I have ignored his messages that he has been leaving on Skype. I feel broken all over again. Yes I was stupid to think and have a hope. I wrote him a four page letter and posted it, to basically tell him that I cant do the friends thing right now. Maybe in time but that time isn’t now. He should receive that soon. I was hoping for a miracle. But I now accept that it isn’t so. I need to go lick my wounds now. I need to heal. But I also need to stay strong, and that hurts.

    • Petra says:

      You are right – you can’t be friends with someone you’re in love with. It’s pure torture. Also, you can’t make someone see you’re the right person for him, no matter how you try – it’s either there or it isn’t. We can’t change other people’s emotions or minds. Why did he lead you on? Partly because he still has some feelings for you (albeit not the ones you were hoping for), partly because he’s a kid and doesn’t know any better. But this is a valuable lesson for you – so remember it next time with the next boy – that he needs to show he wants you with his actions, and be clear about it – anyone who is flaky or is changing his mind constantly is not boyfriend material, but a way to get your heart broken. You deserve more and I sincerely hope you will find it soon!

  99. lily21238 says:

    my ex boyfriend and i have been in an on and off relashionship . we would break up for a year and get back together. when we get back together it felt more strong but i couldnt trust him fully, he couldnt take me to his new house.. we suprisingly have never had sex he used to say that after we broke up the first time he lost something and he was waiting to get it back and have sex with me. ofcourse i knew he was lying but which man would resist sex. we broke up again after having alot of issues and both of us are so proud to solve them. i love this man way too much i am now having this nightmares of this cheating on me although he is my ex iwhen we were together ,there was that connection bettween us.. he would hold my hand and i would feel the electricty flow between us. something tells me we wont be getting back together ever again and that thought alone terrifies me.

    • Petra says:

      You will find it again – that connection. You found it once, that means you are capable of it – not that it can only happen with this hone person. You are a girl that knows how to love and give, and you will find a guy who will appreciate that – and want you in a physical way to. Don’t be scared, this guy you dated was not the one. You didn’t lose anything worth keeping, you just discovered how great it is to have a special connection with another human.

  100. Alice says:

    My ex boyfriend left me for another woman at the peak (happy)of our relationship. It came as a complete surprise. We were living together and one day it just happened. He cheated on me and ended up marrying the other girl. That was over 10 years ago. Since then I have met great people and have a wonderful successful life and now even married with kids. However, I cannot stop thinking of why that happened and still believe he is my soulmate. I end up comparing my husband to him all the time in my head. I have not spoken to my ex in over 10 years but still feel like I need closure. It pains me that he didn’t even blink an eye to leave me or regret it. He has the best life so it appears but I have continued to struggle and worked very hard for every bit of happiness. How do I let go and gain some closure ? I absolutely do not want to be with my ex- just need to let go and accept it.

    • Petra says:

      Hey there. I think this is more your ego talking – how could he leave you when you were so great for him? – than any rational thought or reason. If you were so happy and soulmates he would not leave. Period. Plus – you have a husband that considered worthy of having kids with, so I guess he’s not that bad of a partner (you didn’t say how happy you are in your marriage), and you’re constantly comparing him to a fantasy of a man who treated you badly, and now only exists as this virtual person in your head. He can be perfect because he never has to deliver anything. Your husband, on the other hand, is living the real life with you – and no matter how great he is, he’ll never compare. He is there with you through good and bad, while the “soulmate” split without explanation or real reason. Do you really think a guy who wasn’t decent enough to give you closure or try to fix things when he felt something was off is a better choice for you? If you do – then leave your husband, pursue the man of your dreams. That is a sure and quick way to end all your dilemmas. If you don’t see that as a viable option – ask yourself why? Why does this man still have such a strong hold on you? Just dig deep and write down all your answers. Then look at them objectively and you will find the answer. Maybe you’re unhappy (or think you should be happier) in your marriage, so this a way of escape. Could be a lot of things – but you are the one who knows the answer. Be honest with yourself, and you’ll find it. It will help you understand why you still dream about the other guy. It’s not him, it’s something you’re lacking in your life/marriage right now. He’s just a projection of that.

  101. Diego Arnaud says:

    I can’t believe you reply to all of these messages, I’m impressed by your commitment. Would you mind helping me sort my feelings out?

    I’ve always had trouble trusting people. When I met the girl who now is my ex (and she started dating one of my best friends) it was the first time both of us really opened to someone else, since she had some severe trusting issues too. She was both my best friend and girlfriend. Needless to say, the relationship was amazing while it lasted.

    The problem is she has (had?) really big self-esteem issues. To the point where she would accept me completely as I was, even if I became “evil”. I believe that rather than acceptance, this was conformism, because whenever she encountered an issue she had to fight she’d just sit back and let itself sort out. She wasn’t upfront about things.

    I’ve always liked to tackle issues directly. Seeing how someone I loved so much was just letting herself be run over just killed me, so I tried to change her. (My mistake) I tried to make her more active, stronger, but now I see that was a huge mistake. Which leads me to my main issue:

    Had I been more supportive, or had I learned to accept her as a whole, would that relationship still be? Would I still have my best friend? Was it ok to break free from her because I felt like she would keep me from doing greater things? I began feeling stale and slow…

    I don’t know if she accepted me because she had this conformist and submissive personality, or if it was because she really loved me.

    Should I have been less manipulative and cocky? Should she have been more proactive…?

    I don’t want to let go of her because I feel like I’m letting go the only person who has really loved me, and that I won’t find that again. But now she IS leaving. She IS moving on. I feel like this is my last chance to step in and fight for her, or to accept my fate and let her go…. But I can’t let her go. I just can’t find solace in the fact she will not be here…

    • Petra says:

      It feels to me your relationship served its purpose – for both of you. It made you realise important things about yourself and your behaviour, which is great because now you know what you shouldn’t do next time. I don’t think you could have done something different to keep her, because we always act according to our best abilities at the time. Now you’re smarter and wiser, but there is no way you can bring back time, so use it to make your future relationships better. This might have been your deepest and most meaningful connection so far, but that only means you are capable of one, not that it’s the only one you’ll ever have. You can love and be loved again, and next time it will only be better if you learn from your past mistakes.

  102. Kel says:

    Hi. My husband was caught in a emotional affair in May 2014 after 18 years of marriage. Our communication skills were not the best. He was busy, busy with his hobby of music and I had taken on a promotion. I kicked him out and he didn’t try to fight for us. The OW had an apt and he pretty much lived there at her expense. We have a child who also just left for college in August 2014. I had been totally heartbroken. Until Sept he came back home. It wasn’t for the marriage; it was to make things right with our child and help with the house. He still wanted us to do family things. We all actually went to Europe (Grad Present) in July for 14 days and had a blast. We got along really well, nothing romantic.

    I couldn’t take him being in the home while we were separated. He was paying back the ex-OW now and financially strapped to move out. We did have sex a few times. When out daughter came home; we would all hang out together. I couldn’t move on and ended up moving out November 2014. We got together two times sexually. and still hung out as a family as often as possible thru November.

    Then my medical issues took over. I lost 50 pounds so fast that it screwed me up. I ended up needing a hysterectomy in December. He took care of me thru that. I stayed at the house with him. Then thru the holidays; I stayed at the house thru that time and it was all about family time.

    January 1st I made an attempt to stay away and focus on getting better. After the OW; I would be pretty sure to assume he wasn’t with another woman.. but talking to them. January was rocky between the both of us verbally.. seemed spending so much time together from November – December put him on edge. Mid – January had a car accident (they hit me) and that night while we were discussing stuff – he invited me to stay the night. I was so upset; but loved spending that time with him.

    February 1st I went to the house to watch the game with him… he asked if I wanted to stay the night, I did.. then I left on vacation with my girlfriend. Came back and spent that 3 days with him and our daughter for theirs bdays. Dinner, shopping, watching movies and hanging at the house.

    Then the dreaded… two days later (just last week) I called asking if I could pick up something he knew I was wanting to grab and he said it wasn’t a good idea. I told him to put it on the porch and he told me I didn’t understand… I WASN”T a good idea. Well, this new GF has been at the house sleeping over non-stop.

    I didn’t know it was going to hit me so bad. He hasn’t pushed to start the divorce PW and he stated after I found out about his GF that he still wanted to do all of the family stuff together. He didn’t want that to change.. I have been heartbroken and stalkerish. I am trying to tell myself not to, but I still drive by the house.

    I am trying to do NO-Contact with him now. Focusing on just staying away.. this is breaking my heart…

    • Petra says:

      Sounds like quite a messy situation, and seems like even though he is the one making most of this mess (going back and forth between a few women), you are the one allowing him to do that. I know it’s hard to move on and break the ties after so many years plus you have a daughter, but you’ll have to. No contact is a good strategy for a start, you will heal faster and once you are emotionally stronger you’ll be able to put up proper boundaries. It will get easier over time, and with a distance you will feel strong enough not to let him manipulate and play with your emotions, which is exactly what he is doing right now. Wish you all my best.

  103. Lin says:

    In September last year I met a guy in my university class (he is German and 23, I’m Dutch and 21), and it quickly became obvious he was interested. He always wanting to laugh, talk and tease with me. I started to like him back more and more, eventually on Halloween we kissed and afterwards things cooled down a bit. I went on focusing on my own stuff, although he was still around from time to time and wanting attention or flirted a bit. Last weeks of December especially, i felt he started to like me more again and maybe missed having me around. After Christmas break it all changed drastically: he just couldn’t stay away. Every moment of every opportunity he got he would try to get in contact with me, all my friends have multiple times used the expression: ”he likes you so much!” and said the chemistry was so obvious and things were about to happen, we just completely lost track of time when talking to each other. So of course I was on my pink cloud. I know he liked how we had so many shared interests and there was obvious attraction and he even vaguely mentioned sometimes that I’m not like any other girl he’s ever met. It was so obvious! This kept going until the end of January: at one of the last parties he even danced with me, put his hands constantly on my waist and didn’t want to let go, put his head so close to mine (no kissing though), but I felt we were boyfriend-girlfriend already, he showed me all the signs he was into me. Until his own houseparty 4 days later. He was distant, I felt awkward, what was happening? Then I find out at the very end of the party: his girlfriend was there. Someone tipped me off but I just couldn’t believe it, no cell in my body believed there was even the slighest possibility that he could have a girlfriend after everything he did that January, so i decided to just ask him via message the next day if he had a girlfriend, and these three words broke my heart: ”yes i do”. Apparently it happened over Christmas break, but that does not explain at all why he raised his game with ME after he got official with HER, and as well why he never mentioned her to me nor my/his friends (she’s from his hometown 2 hours away from where we study, he could easily keep her a secret). He put up this lie that ”he thought i knew”. I did not show him any emotions, i just plainly said what he did was wrong and i’m not that kind of girl that knowingly flirts with someone else’s boyfriend, and he started acting all innocent so i never answered his next reply again, putting back the power in my shoes showing i’m not lowering myself to his level and I stand above all this. But that doesn’t mean that I was a wreck for the next days/weeks. I have no idea what went on in his mind, and if this should or shouldn’t hurt my self-confidence, but in the end he still chose her for whatever reasons, and that hurts like beyond imagination. Luckily I didn’t have to see him anymore since we all have internships, and for the 3 weeks after that i tried to get my life back on track again. Unfortunately the problem is that this week suddenly i saw him twice in the university library where i like to sit working on my stuff. The first time i just saw him from a distance and he couldn’t see me, a friend of mine did talk to him then and he seemed very bored and really wanted to hang out with our friendgroup again (which indirectly means with me as well) – i felt strong knowing he practically begged her to invite him to our hangouts. But a few days later i saw him sitting there again, and he did not notice me, and the thing that hurts the most now is that I get all these feelings when I see him – hurt, anger, sadness – while he’s not noticing me so he won’t have any feelings. Therefore I started to feel a strong tendency to plan a strategy on how i could make him see me, by walking a certain way to the bathroom so I need to walk past him for example, but then of course i would not look at him and look all ”confident”… But planning this didn’t make me feel strong at all, it made me feel weak and desperate… I just couldn’t let it go since I knew he was there because even though I’m so mad at him and disappointed in what a person he turned out to be, I still want him to care about me and to want attention from me, since obviously he used to care about me even though he got involved with someone else. But the next problem is that I don’t know how I should act when (and I’m certain this moment will come) he actually sees me and comes up to me, or by coincidence we bump into each other. I still want to show him how stupid he was for letting me walk away and what he’s missing out on now, but I also know that I’m focusing way too much on my ”revenge” that I’m just hurting myself with it… Because deep in my heart I want him to break up with her and come crawling back to me, although I’m not sure if I can ever forgive him how much he hurt me… I feel like I’m only half moving on, since I just can’t find closure with not knowing why he did that…
    Thank you for listening, this is the first major heartbreak I experienced and I just don’t know how to deal with it….

    • Petra says:

      Hi there. Think about this – why do you care for a guy who doesn’t care about you? Why would you focus so much of your energy and emotions on someone who hurt you? The way he conducted himself isn’t nice at all, he should have told you he had a girlfriend, or simply not flirt with you at all. He played with your feelings, and made you think he wants to be with you. Do you really want to date someone who behaves like that? He could hurt you again any time. I’d say you’re lucky you got rid of him easily, and you should actually feel sorry for his girlfriend, because she has no idea her boyfriend flirts with other girls when she’s not there. He would be doing that to you too, if you were together. What hurts you most though – is your ego: how could he choose someone else over you? Well, that’s life, we all choose and reject. Just move on and don’t try to get him back, rather than that, look for a guy who will want you for real, not just when his girlfriend isn’t there.

  104. Scotty says:

    Me and my ex just broke up a month ago due to the fact she is too restricted by her parents(shes 22),and she wants to save up for an apartment and i want to travel before im 30,(im 25) and we also only see each other for a few hours every week.

    Anyway,we talk every day and still say lovey dovey stuff to each other,but the thing is,i want to move on with my life,i don’t think i want to get with her again because i know it will just end up going nowhere again.

    I am finding it hard to say to her “look,lets just have a clean break,lets both just move on because we both know if we get back together i won’t be happy with how things are and you won’t be happy with the way i handle it and we both know this relationship isn’t going anywhere”

    I love her,but im just sick of it all,please help.

    • Petra says:

      Hello, there is no other way but saying it – this way you are just keeping her hopes up. If it’s hard for you to say it to her face or on the phone, then write her a nice honest email and explain how you feel. Be honest and straightforward, that’s the best way. It will hurt her, but will ultimately help her to get over you faster – because you won’t be misleading her any more, which you are (deliberately or not) doing right now. Always, always be honest to your partners, just imagine how you would want to be treated if the situation was opposite, and you’ll know what’s the right way.

  105. Kimberly says:

    I dated a married man for the past four years, he was my best friend, he even said that I was his soul mate, because he has never reached the level of love we reached not even with his wife. He broke up with me 3 1/2 months ago, because I was not willing to stay away from a guy that he requested I stayed away from. When he broke up with me (I never thought he would have left). I literally begged him for us to mend our relationship to which he refused, by saying we can only be friends. After he left me he kept texting me everyday day, just to find out how I was going etc. I was devastated, heartbroken, I could not eat sleep or function due to the pain I was in I thought I would have died. I loved him more than anything, I still do. When he kept texting I thought we would have made up some day. We slept together 3 times this month, after we sleep together he would not text or call me for a day or two that hurted me even more.

    I feel as though he was the only one for me and I would never find that love again, I still hurt everyday and he is always on my mind. Deep down inside I feel as if he wants to use me only for sex ? after all that love we shared. I have-not heard from him for the past two days and it hurts like crazy but I think I am better off that way, I have decided anytime he texts or call me I am not going to answer him, I hate feeling used especially by the one who said they had loved me more than anything. 🙁

    • Petra says:

      Sounds like you should stay away from this man. Please think about why would you even be with someone if you are not his first and foremost? What can be so attractive about a married man who not only cheats on his wife for years (no integrity), but also tries to manipulate you by forbidding you to see other men (double standards), and then using you for sex… oh I can’t even begin how wrong this is on so many levels. I know it’s hard to be objective when you’re so in love, but do think about why you are so in love and what is it really he is giving you that you can’t find somewhere else?

  106. Liz says:

    Hi. I’m going through pain at the moment with a breakup. I first met this man when I was 31. We dated for about 18 months, he finished it and it took me a long time to get over him. We both eventually moved on, we both married other people. My husband ended our marriage, and I was heartbroken again although I am now over him. During the time my marriage broke up I decided to look my old love up on facebook. By now it had been 7 years since we had split up. His wife had also left him but she died in a traffic accident as they were going through a divorce.
    We became friends and chatted on line for a year. Then we met up again. For me, I fell for him completely all over again. It took about anothet year as seeing each othet as friends and it eventually became a romantic relationship again. It has floundered though again and he has finished it. We have split and got back together alot over the time we’ve been together but he has finished it once and for all. He wont have anything to do with me and he’s told me he’s moved on and is seeing someone else.
    Ive emailled him, written him, gone to his house begging him not to split us up but he doesn’t want me anymore.
    I feel i belong with him. I feel so attatched to him it really is like i have broken inside and all the light has gone out of my world. I dont feel i will ever get over him. I feel such a strong love for him and the sexual chemistry is not something i have evet had with anyone else, even my husband.
    I helped him talk through his wife’s death and he’s been there for me through my marriage ending. I just feel like a lost soul walking around.
    I dont feel like i’ll have that connection ever with anyone else.
    Ive joined a dating site but it is hard work. Im just not over him and am worried i never will be. I cry most days. Sometimes for hours over whats happened and that i have not ended up with him.

    • Petra says:

      I know it’s hard to see how you could ever stop loving him, but it’s really all up to you. He is not the one, you just have a feeling he is. And feelings can and do change! Please do get in touch if you feel you could use some help, we can have a consultation and discuss what would help you to move on.

  107. Jaco says:

    I’ve been in a similar situation the past month. Although my situation is fairly recent I feel that I am in the same boat as some of these people on here.

    Before I start I must just mention that I am a 24 year old homosexual and this guy was the first person ever that I felt could be someone I can share my life with. I was very inexperienced before I met him, sexually and emotionally. We met online and started texting each other immediately. We determined that we both want a relationship and not just a casual fling. After exchanging the usual information when getting to know someone, we met on the third day. I felt an instant connection and started getting physical with him as well. Our texting conversations was very intimate and sometimes was about being together as a couple and sharing a life together. After about a week he said that he was worried that he is not feeling love and he’s scared that he is hurting me. We decided to put the physical aspect of our relationship on ice while still hanging out together, to see what happens.

    I think I often shared my thoughts on the direction of our ‘relationship’ too much and that gave him the idea that he was hurting me too much by not loving me. I fell for this guy head over heals and can’t imagine a life without him at the moment. He said we must be friends for now because he enjoys hanging out with me as well. He said that he is lonely and that he wants someone to love. I just can’t understand why it can’t be me. We go to the gym together as ‘friends’, although I would still like for it to more than that.

    Everybody keeps telling me that I must break contact with him completely for me to get over him, but I can’t. At this stage I don’t think I want to. I can’t imagine my life without him at the moment and I think the hurt of not seeing him is gonna be worse than the hurt I’m feeling at the moment. I cry myself to sleep at night and miss him so much during the day that I can’t even focus on my work. We still talk a lot but it’s just platonic at the moment.

    When I read some of the comments on here about people still feeling the same way after years of not seeing the person I can’t help but feel that I should just wait it out because I’m not going to get over him by removing him from my life.

    • Petra says:

      If you don’t feel like breaking all contact, don’t. It usually helps – because we heal and move on faster, but if you’re not there yet, maybe it will help you more to stick around. There is valuable lessons to be learned in every choice we make. As you said – your experience in relationships is limited, so just explore what feels best for you now, rather than always listen to other people’s advice. Sometimes it’s best to learn from our own experience and mistakes, even though it’s not always the least painful – but it’s more authentic and develops and grows our emotional intelligence, so we can be wiser and smarter in our future relationships. Take care!

  108. Reyn says:

    Hi Petra, I’ve read some of the earlier posts and I’ve found your advice so incredibly helpful. I was wondering if you would give me your input on my situation as well. A while ago I started hanging out with this handsome, amazing, adventurous guy, whom I knew was moving to another country soon for work (but he will be back after a few years). At first it was just for fun, but before I knew it I was head over heels in love with him. I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone before. A few days before he left, to my surprise, he told me he was in love with me. He said I was everything he was looking for, and he wanted me to go with him to this new country. I was so happy he returned my feelings and I saw a future for us together. I really considered joining him or at least waiting for him until he came back. But shortly after his confession, he tells me that he still loves me but it is not the time for us. After he left, I’ve been trying really hard to move on. I was doing well, but these past few days I’ve started thinking about him a lot again and I miss him so much. I think about our good times together and keep hoping that we’d have another shot after he comes back. How can I kill these fantasies & hopes so I can finally move on?

    • Petra says:

      It will take some time, give it time. The key is to let go of the idea he is the one and only for you, that will make your grieving/healing process faster. If he was the one, he’d make an effort to stay together, and he’d stick to his original plan. It’s hard to date long distance, and it can work only if both people are serious about staying together. Seems like he didn’t want it enough. His actions speak louder than words and they say – you’re not as important to me as you might have thought. When you catch yourself daydreaming about his words of love, just remember he hasn’t followed up on them – which means he didn’t really mean them. The fact you felt such a strong connection is making it harder for you to let go, but trust that it’s only a sign you can have a wonderful connection with someone, not that this was the only one for you.

  109. Alex says:

    Hello Petra. You are so kind and sweet to be answering all the messages you get with such detail and from a loving place. I’ve been on and off with a man for 3 years. He started off as the perfect guy, and then he eventually stopped telling me he missed me, how pretty I was, and how proud he was to have me. I had to force him to put that we are in a relationship on fb because he says it’s stupid. He says he’s busy with work and wants a weekend girlfriend. He says he doesn’t have time to make me happy and really only cares about work. He’s never told me he loves me in the past 3 years. Not once. Recently I needed help moving to my new apartment, and he got drunk with his friends instead. He never apologized. He asked me why I stay with him when he treats me like crap. He says all I do is scold him and do nothing about it. I told him to break up with me. He said no. He wanted to take a break, but he didn’t want to break up. He also had told me that he needs to save all his money to flip houses and that we would no longer be doing anything that costs money (which makes no sense because he had just got drunk with his friends). I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. He recently met a friend of mine I always talked about who is somewhat of a big time model. She said that he messaged her that he wants to take her out and get to know her. He even posted a picture of her on his Instagram. He’s never even taken a picture with me or posted a picture of me on the Internet. :(. Is he doing this to make me mad? I feel like I’m blinded by love, and I just want the sweet guy I first met. I cry everyday, and I don’t know what to do to treat me the way he used to, I feel like it’s better to be ignored by him then to be without him. I feel so emotionally abused, but I love him so much. Should I just have not smothered him so much and let him work? Or am I just screwed up in the head?

    • Petra says:

      He asked you why do you stay with him when he treats you like crap… well, there is your answer! You have to stop trying make this man love you, and make excuses for his poor behaviour. He is not worth it. He probably never did love you much. Is he capable of loving someone? Who knows, probably not the way most women would want – he is too selfish for that. You shouldn’t envy your friend, but warn her if she is a true friend – since she’ll get the same “crap” from him pretty soon. What makes him so special in your eyes? Why is he the man for you? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. What makes you want to be with a guy who says he is too busy for a relationship – do you want to marry someone whose work will always be more important to him than you? What do you have from him, from this relationship? Maybe you’re afraid of being single and looking for a new man, but how is being in this unhappy relationship better than that? If you want more than this from a man, you’ll have to find a man who will want to give you that more.

  110. Anonymous says:

    I don’t know where to begin, I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so I troll the internet for advice on “how to get over the love of your life”. Truth be told its been 6 months since we broke up……and not a day goes by where I don’t cry, see the dilemma about this, is that I’am a medical student and I have to push on in order to just pass exams, at this point life is difficult (i’m living in a bubble right now, well aware of my egocentric bubble). I see, talk, eat, laugh, and study with him all the time- so I can never get away….problem is, I don’t want to get away (i’m stuck). We promised to be best friends…….and I want a good friend for him…with or without me….point of being in love is not so much about you, but rather the happiness of the person you love, I want to be able to go to his wedding one day and be genuinely happy for him. In my heart though I know I was doomed the day I gave him my heart. Now people will say “oh maybe there is someone out there who is better for you…blah blah blah”, but love isn’t about someone out there being better for you…..love is unique. My belief is that, God has given you one heart….and once you give this heart to someone, you cant take it back and you don’t have a spare to give to someone else (it isn’t a tire). It has been stolen and can never be replaced. Sure you can “love” someone else, but its never the same….each time more baggage comes on…..each time it gets adulterated and ambiguous…the reason why they call it true love, is because its in its most purest and unadulterated form. I have found true love, and it is something I will always treasure, but I don’t want to date other people, because I have experienced what “other people” look for, why bother searching the seven seas for another form of that love. I thank God for whatever blessings I have received in my life, despite this heartbreak (gut wrenching might I add) God has been good to me. If I’m able to give love to people around me (and being the best doctor I can be) and ultimately love him unconditionally, I want to live my life in peace, love, and harmony (for that is the nature of divinity).

    • Petra says:

      Hello, oh my dear – you are doomed for a lifetime of misery if you think love only happens once and never again. Everyone on this planet would be unhappy for most of our lives if we only had one chance of love. That would be pure hell on Earth! You might have found love with this man, but why did it end if it was so pure and perfect? If it was so great, why didn’t it last? Because – it was just your first, and definitely isn’t your last or your best love ever. The truth is – first love rarely comes in a form of a truly happy relationship, because we are young, immature, have no clue what we’re doing, and no idea who we are and how to make things work with another. It’s great only because it’s fresh and new, but it usually turns sour very quickly, as you’ve yourself experienced. And only your denial keeps you in this illusion of “one and only” – you want it to be perfect, but it really didn’t turn out to be.

      Spending a lot of time with your ex now is not a good idea, it’s painful and it will only make you hurt/heal longer. And one day one of you will move on – that’s inevitable. If it’s him, you’ll be even more heartbroken, if it’s you – you’ll be wondering why you didn’t do it sooner.

      What you said about making the other person happy regardless of how you feel: there is no way, no way in a million years you will make someone happy if you yourself are miserable. That doesn’t work. Just imagine being with someone who is totally unhappy being with you, but stays with you just to make you happy. If you truly loved this person, you would either do something to make him happy, or you’d leave him be so he can be happy with someone else. There is no happiness in any relationship if one person is having all the fun, while the other is stuck with pleasing him/her. And you’ll see when you have a bit more experience in life and relationships that people are either both happy together – or neither of them is. There is no half and half.

  111. saad says:

    Hi Petra,
    So I broke up with my girlfriend about 4 months back. Actually she broke up with me. And I was pretty devastated. I tried everything to.bring her back but she seemed rigid and arrogant. She told me that she didn’t love me the way I loved her and that she had other family issues. However, after about 2.months, she decided to.talk to me when I had ccompletely started to ignore her and was doing really well. She said she wanted back in but on her terms. Her terms were somewhat unreasonable so I decided against it and asked her to.change her terms. She didn’t and said she wanted to get back but.couldn’t so.she stopped wanting it. Recently, she texted me and was being all arrogant, saying things like she wanted to.be friends.and that she had gotten over me in a minute. Now I’m no expert but that kind of hurt. I told her to not talk to me. She really gets to me with all this varying attitude. What I don’t get.is how can someone be so hurtful? What do I.need to do to get stop feeling like this?

    Saad

    • Petra says:

      Hi Saad, people can be hurtful and inconsiderate – and many are. It’s not because they want to hurt you, they just simply don’t know any better. But – that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate that, and be friends or partners with insensitive girls. I’d suggest you go out and look for a new girl who will treat you nicer than that. And maybe think about stoping all contact with your ex – I honestly don’t see the point in having more conversations with her that will only hurt you. The reason why your painful feelings persist is because she keeps reminding you of them, with her hurtful comments.

  112. marie says:

    Hi petra,
    I was with my boyfriend for 8 years since I was 17. Last week he ended things, well we mutually decided problems we had were really bad but I was willing to keep trying and he wasnt. Never in 8 years has he once said he doesnt want to be with me or he doesnt love me but last week he said he doesnt feel the same for me anymore and he has been trying for a long time to make it work. It is now day 6 post break up and I am literally heart broken. Days before things ended he said I was his everything and wanted to be with me forever I’m so confused that he would just give up and I haven’t heard from him since. He has been going through a rough time the past 2 months and I keep using this as an excuse to why he has done this but I know deep down it must be something he wants.Everyone is saying to me no contact but I feel like since its been a few days since things calm down for my own sanity I want to make sure this is what he wants and then I can truely move on because I feel like I’m in limbo now.

    • Petra says:

      It will take you much longer than 6 days to recover from an 8 year relationship, so give it time. It will be a process, and it’s a normal human thing – especially if you were not the one who broke up. You will have ups and downs, and bad and good days, until you finally wake up one day and feel ready to move on to something new. If you want to contact him – I’d say do it, but don’t expect you’ll hear what you want to hear. Closure is always a good thing and if we feel we need one, why not ask for it. Whether he does or he doesn’t want to be with you – getting in touch won’t change his mind, but might give you more peace of mind or at least a better idea why he has decided to break it up. If you need to hear it once more, or in more detail, ask. If he doesn’t offer more – that’s only a sign he feels he’s given you enough explanation, and he’s done with trying to patch things up. The one thing I wouldn’t recommend is keep in touch constantly and try to be friends now when your heart is broken – that will be painful and again, won’t do much to get him back. His mind and his feelings are his own, and no matter what you do now, you will not be able to change them – he left you because of the things that pilled up in the past, and if you try to be better or nicer now, it will have little effect. If he wants to come back, he’ll come back on his own terms, not because you’ve convinced him to.

  113. Talyk says:

    Sorry for my long response. I think this was a combination of late night venting and just hoping for another persons opinion that I don’t know personally.

    I can relate to the article, although I’ve done a lot of the hard work already. I had a serious crush on someone when I met them about 4 years ago, although it was over the course of a few months. It’s a tad more complicated because up until then I’d been completely straight, but for whatever reason he seemed to be an exception to that rule. Still to this day I have never had any interest in any other guy and don’t find them attractive, so he’s a bit of an enigma to me.

    They became one of my best friends after about 6 months, although he always seemed to have this receded approach with me, inviting him round very rarely proved fruitful but when we were together chatting we had such a laugh and had so much in common. 2 years on we finished college and it was going to be our final summer to see each other before we went to different universities. By this point i’d given up on him in terms of love, he was straight too, was pretty lazy and was difficult to get to come see me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he messaged me saying he had feelings for me, well that explained him being so reserved around me all the time. So during that summer we had one or two intimate occasions (which was weird as for us both being this “exception to the rule”) but, of course had to go to university. For the past year and a half of being at uni he’s always wanted to come see me, constantly being flirtatious over messaging and then suddenly had this period of not talking to me. I let it slide but eventually figured he’d be with someone else, so I do some digging with my friend who is at his uni and find out he had a girlfriend. Was I shocked? No not at all. Does it hurt? Yes. And it’s all the more confusing, he lead me on so much I was almost sure he was going to ask me out or something crazy. In all honesty I never told him I genuinely had a love for him just that I found him attractive, so I think I shot myself in the foot there. Additional, neither of us really want to go through identifying our sexuality, again, neither of us find guys attractive it was just the other being an exception to the rule one time.

    It was all made worse by the fact, those 2 years ago I removed almost all notion of it ever happening then he suddenly decided to lead me on for a while. Now we are still are very good friends and trust each other with very personal information, he emotionally supports me and vice versa, I think my main issue is I just want to protect him so much because he doesn’t even speak to his girlfriend about his life issues. I’m having to literally go through the whole forgetting process again but this time it’s not affecting my every thought and is more of a late night “For God’s sake.”

    Currently, my stance is to not bother telling him the complete truth, continue being the supportive friend I’ve always been and if the future permits it, maybe it could happen but to not rely my hopes and not deflect lovely women that might wander into my life because of him.

    Seems like a half-assed solution though.

    • Petra says:

      It’s no wonder this is a solution you’re not happy with, because so many things are left unsaid. I would find a way to have an open and honest conversation which you’ve both been avoiding for quite a while. The topic would be: what is the status and future of our relationship. Once feelings and thoughts come out in the open, then you can be either true friends, or true lovers, or – something else. But you will both know only if you talk it through. I know it’s scary, but that’s the only way you can ever have close, intimate, real relationships – with anyone.

  114. Abhishek Verma says:

    Hi Coach,

    I am a 24 Year old guy from India.And I am going through a terrible breakup of 2 year long distance relationship.I pretty much know the answers why it broke up.But still I am not looking towards the Positive side .I just cannot.
    She broke up with me 3 days ago.
    And words can’t even tell you what my body and my soul is going through.
    See, what my mindset when i started dating her 2 years back.I was through many relationships already and this time i was looking for some serious affair.Like the girl who can be loved by me and who fits our whole family.
    In India, we new generation are broadminded but our parents are not.Drinking and Partying is still a taboo here in India. Atleast for our parents.
    When we started dating, she was falling in love with me. I clearly stated that I don’t like girls who drinks or partying. I don’t think it’s a bad thing.Everyone has her life of own and everybody has right to enjoy it.When i told her that if my life partner drinks , then it should be with me only.
    In the beginning, it was all fine.But then it all started after like a year.
    She did drink once with the friend’s of her roommate. And i was like mad. Because I was pretty sure that she won’t.But she did.I was angry and i asked to breakup .And clearly said, if you want this, I cannot be with you because I am serious for you and look you as my future wife.She accepted it and said okay..i won’t drink in your absence.It happened. She moved to different metropolitan cities and everytime she get adjusted and maintained well. She always had new friend and colleagues.I was okay with it.But the crowd was well full on partying types. I was scared from inside that now i have high hopes from her and she might get off track.
    One more time she did drink in a house party. and that too when i was angry with her.I was angry to the point I just don’t tell. I scolded her…but not abused.I said my disappointment without any hesitation.I stated that you are not that girl who should be added to my family.She asked for forgiveness and we makeup after that.Things were going like this only.Every other month we had this tiff mostly done by me on these friends and partying stuff. And i always shown her that this is something i can’t accept.And right away i used to ask for breakup.But she always used to surprising me with her frequent visits and we used to make up again.
    Things were going good after 2 years.I mean I was almost going to ask for her hand from her family.
    But something happened.
    In last 3 months, She had her family shifted to her job location.Gradually, our talking schedule got disturbed.She got real busy with work and home responsibilities.I was keeping patience still but someday there is this huge gap of around 5 days. She didn’t call me.She messaged me and i was being angry that she do not remember me. I called her once but then again she was busy.She messaged me about my work in very formal manner but i ignored it.We didn’t talk like 5 days.On the 6th day, i got quite angry and said it’s better that we should move on or something.There is no point of continuing this long distance relationship when you are so busy and can’t take care of me.I was angry. I messaged her that it is of very low probability that you won’t fit in my family.She saw these messages. She didn’t reply. Next day i called her .She didnt receive. Then i messaged her again tha why are you not replying.She said if you want to move on, so be it.I got angry again.
    Then after 4 days, i though maybe it was my mistake.I was rude. I said even if we have this breakup thing , we should atleast give it a closure. I called her. I messaged her for like 3 more days.But she didn’t reply. And when she finally did, She said it’s over. You didn’t value me.You want to marry me on your conditions.That’s it.
    I was devastated. I immediately travel for 8 hours. Reached her home location. She came to meet me.Then, she was behaving like so formally. I had never seen her like this. We talked for like 50 mins. I told her that I am sorry . From now on, i won’t limit you. You can party .You can do anything you want. But just come back to me with love everyday. I tried to tell her that we could not talk for last 10 days.And i had this carrier setback. That’s why this all is happening.I told her that we have been together like for 2 years. Let’s give it one more chance.
    Then she said i have already given you many chances. Now i won’ t be able to love you anymore. I just want to be free.I was heartbroken. I got up and shunned her and left place. My last words were these only”You don’t deserve these flowers.You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve my parents”

    My question is somewhere during the whole relationship, I was also forcing myself to accept her and i was also thinking of my parents.But i never gave up. I always tried to make up. But she just didn’t even give me one chance. And she said, “Our thinking are different. We are not compatible.You didnt accept the way i am.I am not the girl you are looking for or for your family.”
    How rude?Then what were we doing in these last 2 years?
    I am so heartbroken. She has not contacted since and neither her profile or status show any drift. She is just gone . And i am left with shattered pieces of my heart and my dreams.
    Please help me what has happend here.

    • Petra says:

      She told you the truth. You don’t accept her as she is. And she is right – you should look for a girl that fits into your standards, rather than try to change someone who will never be happy fitting into them. She’s a smart girl. Listen to her, she told you everything quite clearly. The fact that you dated for two years – it’s not something you should throw away lightly, yes – but: you were arguing about the same issues from day one. So it’s not like you had this wonderful 2 years that was ruined in one argument. You just didn’t understand and didn’t want to see the truth – that your beliefs and values are very different. She did the one smart thing – in stead of subjecting you both to endless arguments and resenting each other, she freed you to find someone who’ll be a better match to you.

  115. Abhishek Verma says:

    Hello Petra,
    I know you might be right and pretty close.
    In the very beginning of relationship, I used to ask her that I just don’t want my life partner to do alcohal and drinking straight forwadly.
    She always stuck to one point, “This is not some priority.I just want to be with you.”
    That’s why I trusted her and got serious with her.
    I also used to push myself that it’s okay.She can drink in my presence. Now, I don’t know whether this is my insecurity or protectiveness.
    She made me believe that these things are not important to her.And that’s why gradually when she started doing things by her will or by her friend’s will.I used to get angry that why she is changing now.
    You are right . May be I could not accept her the way she was. But it was her only who made me believe that this partying and all is not important than me to her.
    Otherwise I would never ever have been with this girl. I had already dumped my ex because of this.
    We were together for two year. We have lived like a married couple for like 2 months. We have travelled together. We never fought with each other when ever we were together. That’s why I am in shock.
    She always used to tell me that we will make it to the marriage. And even I used to feel good and confident. But I don’t understand why things were changing. Now I am that ready to think for marriage. She has backed off. And It’s not like we used to fight for every other day. It’s one time in month and not always alcohal or outing was the reason. I loved her Petra. I knew how difficult is for me to talk to my parents about her. But I never backed down. I wanted to marry her.
    The way she made me feel . NObody could. And if i have not accepted her the ways she is, if i have not valued her…then i wouldn’t have gone this far to make up.I am just devastated .
    I felt there was just a communication gap for like 10 days. Then a fight . And then a breakup day(When i asked to break up in anger) and then i tried very very hard for forgiveness, to give this relationship one chance and she just left.
    Do you know how many times i was determined to break up. But i never did. Because I knew every person makes mistakes.It’s okay. When I used to think about the whole fight calmly, then i just used to forgive her and shower my love or ask for forgiveness whatever hurt i did.
    I am just lost.She just didn’t think all these reasons from the very beginning. Why just now?Why did she give up.
    I just don’t know. It was 2 years. not some months of attraction.
    Yes it’s true that i used to get angry over her outings or parties.But i didnt want to loose her. I just wanted to show how much it has hurt. I had never ever plan to leave her. I just wanted to understand that she can do whatever she want but just don’t forget me. And this is what she used to do exactly. She used to forget about me. NO messages if she is outside. I don’t want her to ask me all the time. But once in a day is all i expect. But gradually, I was the only one who used to call her.I felt alone. She just don’t miss me the way i used to miss her. Still i never left her.
    I don’t know. Please help.

    • Kaat says:

      Hey Abhishek!
      I read all your comments. So sorry to know that you are going through such a rough phase. I just want to say that you both might be best creatures but not good enough to live together. You both have different values and it will cost you much in married life. It’s not about partying or drinking but still cultural values hold prime position. You should step backward. She has taken the decision and now nothing can stop her. I have been through same phase and trust me even if you die off convincing her, she won’t. Neither she is bad nor you it’s just you people are not meant for each other. You should find some girl who matches your lifestyle as she is not ready to give away her freedom.
      Peace!

  116. Abhishek Verma says:

    Coach,

    My mind just can’t stop thinking about her.
    I am regularly thinking that what has happened. I am hurt.
    People are asking me what has happened to you. I am not doing this to show that I am hurt. It is just that I am going through this.
    Somewhere i was thinking that she needs some time to think. She needs to realize the value of this relationship. I have not contacted her since 3 days(When i went to meet her).
    If i wouldn’t have cared for her, If i wouldn’t have loved her then why i am going through all this.Why i am not able to accept it.
    Please help me how to get over it. From my last 2 years, my life revolved around her.I am not being myself.
    “I have no grudges for u.We had good time. But you didn’t value me. You could not accept me the way i am.We are not compatible. We have not this mutual understanding.”
    These words are what i am hearing in my mind.

    My question is has we two grown differently.Because i feel that earlier she wasn’t sure about this partying stuff.But now. she clearly said,”I don’t want any boundations.Your parents won’t accept me.”
    Please guide if she has gone for forever. How to move on.
    This is the worst phase of my life. I cry every single day remembering her.
    I force myself not to message her. Because my self respect would get hurt then.I don’t know if things are going to alright or what.
    Just help me and tell me what should i do that i don’t miss her.
    I don’t know how much i will be able to keep.Her face revolves around me each and every second. It hurts every single second. I am not happy that I have lost her.Please tell me what should i do to get back good in coming days.
    I am following the no contact rule after i met her last time.
    What else should i do to heal ?

    Thanks
    Abhishek

    • Petra says:

      No matter how much you loved each other, obviously it was not enough. At least for her. And if you were on the brink of leaving her many times, it would only get worse – if you actually married and started to live together. It would be much much harder to keep the peace and reconcile your differences. Travelling together is not the same as living together, when you have to make and share important decisions about money, kids, mortgages etc. Life is hard enough even when you’re with someone you see eye to eye – and it seems to me this was not an issue of her drinking or not, but of you limiting her freedom. It’s a mindset difference, and that’s a much bigger thing, one that is hard to compromise on without someone becoming unhappy with the relationship. Trust me, this is for the better, for both of you. The pain and grieving you now feel is normal and natural. Don’t fight it, you can be sad and unhappy, there is nothing wrong with it – but continue with your life looking forward, not backward. Over time, it will get better and your feelings will change.

  117. Jackie says:

    I am in love with a guy i been knowing for nearly 8 years. Just 3 years ago we decided to go above the friend zone to be in a relationship. I loved him so much and he loved me, he made me feel so special, so important to him, he even quit his job just to make time for me, but i had to cut it off with him because i was getting in too much drama with females about him, we was so insecure because he was hot, charming, and love women. Noticed i said WOMEN and i am very attractive and friendly, sometimes he mistaked me for being flirtatious because i would probably smile while speaking to another guy in his presence. He always accused me of cheating which i never did. Another reason why i broke it off because i needed time to think about what is best for me in my life and whats not but i never stopped loving him, NEVER! After we broke up we didnt see each other nor talk to each other for about 8 months. One day last year in November we saw each other and started a conversation then he gave me his number and we been talking since then just as friends but only this time i fell back in love with him extremely too hard. We started back telling eachother that we love eachother no matter what, and he even told me that i am the one that he is going to marry some day. But now things have changed he doesnt call me like he promise, and plus he always text me back hours later with just a dull reply. He told me i was becoming an aggravation so i just fell back because i was hurt so bad, i cried so hard almost every night so i didn’t bother him after he told me that. A week later he called me telling me how much he missed me loved me and was behind me in everything i do so i started back talking to him again then he came down here to see me and we got into an argument because i wouldn’t give him what he asked for and that was sex. So he called me all kind of offensive names and even said he should have went to see another woman. He told me that him and his baby’s mother was trying to get back together. It hurt me but i just said cool and went home and cried just a little. So i waited 2 days afterwards to see was he still upset and he brushed me off the phone saying he would call me back but he never did. Just today he rode by my house several of times then texted me to see what i was doing but not one time did he stop by my house to talk to me. I don’t cry anymore but i do still get upset. I just want to get over him completely although i want him so bad in my life but i know in reality that it will never happen. Because its like everytime i paint a picture with us in it and just soon as im almost finished painting everything starts to fade away sometimes it feels like im writing on a eraser. I just don’t want any type of connection with him anymore, but it is just so hard because at the end of the day im always following my heart which tells me to stay and be patient things will soon get better. This sucks!

    • Petra says:

      You’re hoping he’ll change his mind, or even change his character – but that doesn’t happen over night. Sometimes doesn’t happen at all. You are sad because you put your happiness in someone else’s hands. But if you think about it – why does he have to be the one for you? He seems pretty confused and immature to me, unable to hold a relationship, making babies with random women… what’s so great about him? Think about it. It will help you get over him and move on.

  118. giovanni says:

    Hi my name is Giovanni and I am going through this right now I was with my girl for the last 4 years and we’ve been living together the same amount of Time. Pretty much the day after we met we started living together anyway for the last two years since she miscarried she really hasn’t been the same we like never had sex anymore then a year ago we got into a really big argument she moved back to her moms i went there cried we didnt break up but she stayed there for 4 months and she would stay the night at least 3 times a week and finally came back after 4 months. Now its been a year since then and about a week ago she told me she needed some space and she was moving back in with her I asked her if she was gunna stay the night like she did before she said yes she was crying when she left I helped her pack I asked and she gave me a kiss and a hug I told I’d bring the stuff to her mom’s cuz my truck fits more than her car she said no so I cried myself to sleep the next day I texted her hey she said hey I asked her how work was she said fine then I said I miss u and got nothing the whole day that night at 4 am I got a phone call telling me my girl moved in with her manager from work the call was from the managers Exgirlfriend that he just broke up with to be with my girl and I’m really sad any advice would be great

    • Petra says:

      Oh well. I am sorry you went through that. It’s not nice she was that dishonest with you – just leaving you for someone else without even telling you. I know you’re in a bad place now, but you’ll have to get through the sadness and grief – there’s no way around it. Once you feel a bit better, think about what she did and why, and how it all really fell apart. It seems to me your problems are not recent and you haven’t been tackling them, that’s why she fell for someone else and left. But whatever happened to her – she should have talked to you and told you how she felt, that would be the right thing to do. That said, you’re probably better off with someone who can be honest and open with you, so you can have a healthier relationship and a better chance to be happy together.

  119. Jonathan says:

    Hello, my name is Jon. I’m 17 and my ex lover is 16 soon. We knew each other for maybe a year soon. And we fought a lot because She was doing this show and never talked to me. I missed her, and she won’t talk to me, she blocked me because I sent her so many heartfelt letters asking for another chance. Why? I love her so much, I want her back but she “can’t do it” I dong wanna move on she was my one and true love. I can’t imagine going on everyday without hearing her voice. It was long distance. Only 2 hours but I loved her, no matter what. But I can’t talk to her unless I message her on tumblr :/ what do I do now?
    I don’t wanna move on,
    I want herback, that’s that.
    But i do haveher best friends snapchat (app)

    • Petra says:

      Hey Jon. Well, what you want is not possible if she doesn’t want it either. There is no other way for you but to move on.

  120. Hanna says:

    When I read this article I wanst thinking about the love of my life or the man I’d spend the rest of my life with. I was thinking about my best friend. I had to move away from her by force and it was just really hard on both of us. We began fighting about anything and everything. I wanted to talk to her and she didn’t seem to care. We came to our breaking point and she left for a while. Not too long, only a week. But in that week I felt broken devistated and confused. She was like my sister. The only person I could ever go to with anything. She came back and for the next few weeks she was acting a little weird and I understood because we had just worked things out and I couldn’t expect things to just go right back to normal. She ignored me and never answered me. I finally asked her if we could ever really be friends again. Today was the day that she found every way to say no without saying it. My heart is broken all over again and I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s not like she was just a boy. There are so many people out there for you to date but you find very few people that you can call your sister. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    • Petra says:

      Yes, this happens in friendships too. Most people do not stay in our lives forever – friends come and go, same as boyfriends. Sometimes we just lose touch with our friends without even realising it – we come together one day and we have nothing to talk about, because we changed views on some common topics, we are in a different life phase, or we’ve moved on into different lifestyles. I know it’s hard for you now to understand that, but breakups of friendships happen for a reason, and they are all a part of life, same as romantic breakups. Change is the only constant thing in our lives. I agree it’s hard to replace someone you thought was like your sister, but if you are capable of deep and close friendships, you will find new ones. Take care.

  121. My name is Manny, I’m 29 years old. I recently was married last August and I thought I had found “the one” for me. She seemed like she was so interested in me and wanted to be with me more than any guy. She always told me that and always wanted to talk to me every single day and night. She lived in Switzerland and I lived in Las Vegas at the time. Her and I came together in San Diego and spent so much time being together and dating. It was absolutely amazing and the best times I’ve had in my life, I literally thought this would last forever. She was about to go back to Europe so I asked her to Marry me. I admit I was very acting very fast in the relationship. But I always gave her the freedom of choice and never pressured her to do anything she didn’t want to do. In fact I kept asking if she was sure she wanted this. Every time I asked she would say yes. Finally we got married and sold all my belongings that I couldn’t take to Europe. I sold my car, home, and so many of my clothes and furniture. I literally decided to start over with someone I thought loved me back. As soon as I got to Europe, 3 month passed and she seemed distant with me and I had no clue why. We lived together for awhile and it seemed great. I was learning a new culture and language. She was showing me around her city. It was like a dream come true and every day I felt so happy. Finally I just asked her why she was so distant with me, and she admitted that she had been having no feelings for me all this time. I was so angry and shocked. What was I supposed to do now? I came so far away just to be with her and she changed her mind in such a short time. I tried to talk it out, I tried to suggest counseling for each other. But she would not listen or want any of it. I felt like she gave up on me and betrayed me in a way. She was never honest with her feelings about me. I learned that she never wanted marriage but couldn’t face telling that to me when I asked for fear of hurting my feelings. Later on she would run to her moms house to get away from having to face what she had done to me while I was sitting all alone in her house not knowing the language or having anything to do. I felt abandoned and alone, I can’t understand what human being, man or woman, would allow themselves to get married when they never wanted or believed in it from the beginning? I know I should have gotten to know her longer first. I know I messed up in that way. I just thought she was being honest and I trusted her more than I should have… Now she wants to be friends. I am having trouble being okay with this… Mainly because she seems to accept it easier than me. She seems unfazed or interested in how it makes me feel now that i have returned to the US and back living with my parents. I lost all my belongings, I lost so much of my life I had before and all of this could have been prevented. I feel stupid and angry at myself for not getting to know her longer before popping the marriage question. But I also feel an intense anger for her, anytime I even touch the subject of our relationship she just shuts me out and doesn’t respond. How can I be honest friends with someone I feel like is just hiding their true selves from me? What if she were to dump my friendship much like the marriage we had? I don’t even know why i’m debating this in my mind, clearly i don’t trust her. I just want her to be out of my life forever. I don’t think friendship would ever serve either one of us. She never initiates contact with me unless I talk with her first.. Nothing feels the same as when we first chatted online. I feel like I’m the only one who would preserve any form of friendship and she would just never have time to speak with me, it would be on her terms all the time. I don’t know what to do… I know I need to move on, I’m having trouble with it. How can I be friends with someone who left me the way they did and sent me home with barely any money or anywhere to go except my parents house? How can I ever be friends with someone I felt I trusted and then was too scared to tell me the truth? How can I be friends with someone who never even wonders how I am doing? I’m always the one asking them instead… It feels one sided..

    • Petra says:

      Hi Manny I can hardly believe you want to be friends with her… why? Is it really necessary to feel all that anger and be constantly reminded of her (and your own) wrong life decisions? You are only making it worse for yourself – and making it hard to move on and close that chapter of your life. It does sound pretty shocking that she married you while not feeling the love at all – but what you did – sold all your possessions and moved to another part of the world for a girl you barely knew, without a backup plan, was reckless to say the least. The one thing you could take out of this – is a good life lesson, that you need to get to know your partner first and spend more time together – I would say at least a year of living somewhere close, at least – and if it’s a long distance relationship – I would move to be with someone so we can test the strength of our relationship, but maybe not in such a drastic way that you have to rebuild your life completely if that doesn’t work out. You will recover and I truly hope you’ll find someone who’ll love you back the same way you love them, but to do that, I do think you need to cut yourself off emotionally from your ex.

  122. Confused and Hurt says:

    I wish life was easier. After finally telling him I’ve been in love with him for the last 7 years, he said he loves me too. He’s scared. He knows what I want….him. all of his good and bad. Every bit of his heart, body and soul. He’s thought of us being together. But he’s married. Says she’s been through a lot and doesn’t want to hurt her. I need him to break my heart so I can move on if he doesn’t want to leave his wife….but he just wont. Says he cant. He hates to hurt me. Asked me not to leave. What do I do? How long do I give him? I truly feel he is my soul mate….I’ve never felt like this before….not even for my (now ex) husband.

    • Petra says:

      Well, he said he doesn’t want to leave his wife. That is the reality, and you have no way of knowing how long that will last. How long do you give him before you move on? You don’t have to give him any of your time, just continue your life – if he decides to be with you at a future date, you will make your decision then. Why torture yourself – when he is not willing to change his life for you? That means his love for you is not as great as you think it is.

  123. Mausi says:

    I’ve only been attracted to one man in my entire life. I don’t feel attraction otherwise. Now, problem is said man is worlds away and married to a slightly older woman everyone keeps saying is amazing because she looks good for her age. They also have children together.

    I cannot move on. I feel like any other man I end up with will be a poor substitute of the one man I did want. Sure, in my life, many magical things have happened and things that seemed far-fetched came true, but in this respect, everything seems hopeless. Even if the stars align and we do meet, he will never leave his famous wife to be with plain old me. I know I have my qualities too, but I don’t have plastic surgeries and designer clothes so men don’t usually take time to get to know me before they dismiss me. Anyway, I can’t even bring myself to wish for him anymore, now he is just someone else’s husband and father and it just seems like the universe made a horrible mistake by giving him to a woman who looked like me, only physically enhanced. And if I do get him now, I will always be secondary in his book, because he will love his children more. 🙁

    We would have had so much fun together! I am so sad because I am not interested in anyone else, to the point where I don’t care if I am alone for the rest of my life.

    I know I should let go for the sake of my sanity, but I simply cannot. I would rather be in the position where I did get what I wanted, and can decide to move on fully knowing I wanted something that did not turn out to be right for me, than always live with thoughts of what could have been. I am not saying all other men are ugly, I am just saying I don’t want anyone but him.

    • Petra says:

      The problem is not in the fact this man married someone else and not you. The problem is your thinking that he is the only one for you. What makes him so special and divine? What makes you think there are no other men who would be as great as him? Did you meet and date all of them? The reason you don’t find other men attractive / interesting now is because you are so focused on your idea that this man is the one. The moment you stop glorifying him, you’ll start noticing others, much cooler boys everywhere around you. Or you can spend your whole life dreaming and longing for a man you can’t have. Although, I believe you will get fed up with that sooner than you think.

  124. Ryan says:

    Good evening,

    I’ve been with the one I truly believe was my soul mate, everything about her was amazing and she felt the same way too.
    sadly her older brother died in an accident 3 months a go,
    since then I rarely see or her from her but her ex partner who she ran away from who she had kids with has reappeared on the scene,
    naturally im feeling rejected and Im supposed to accept her having kids dad back in the scene having days out, going round each others and car journeys together,
    she doesn’t trust him with the kids alone as he is really bad tempered and uses this to why they share car journeys and days out.
    I accepted this and put my trust in her.
    thing is I been trying my best for her and blanking seeing his car outside hers all the time. but cant help but bring up questions like: how was it for the kids with there dad.
    she keeps taking things wrong way so easily which wasn’t her before. now resulted in her saying I cant deal with this anymore, leave me alone for few weeks (although it already been weeks)
    its finally getting to me.
    she says she wants me with her for cuddles etc but then never sees me,
    whilst he sees her and kids 3 times a week.
    am I being a fool for hanging around for her when she building things back with ex or is she doing what she think best for kids and putting me on hold as she needs time for grieiving?
    im going around in circles with whats going on and your advice might help set my mind in the right direction.

    sorry if I not making much sense but my mind isn’t really with it at the moment.
    I loves her so much and her boys and was even at the birth of her youngest when her ex disappeared for a year.
    the pain is too much to deal with and i need help desperately 🙁

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know if you were dating before this happened, obviously you were not living together, but if you were dating – did you break up? How did you end up in this ‘in-between’ situation? Something must have happened between you two, that you are suddenly not together any more. If there are things that need to be (re)defined, you have to talk to her first. Honestly, openly – tell her how you feel about this situation, and what you want from her and your relationship. Then you’ll see what she says, and what she wants. Without that conversation – I don’t see how you can find out if there is a future for the two of you.

  125. carmen says:

    Hi. i met the love of my life and ex boyfriend when we were 17, we dated for almost a year, but when we broke up, we never really stopped talking or hanging out so at first I didn’t deal with it. he used to hurt my feelings by hanging out with other girls or rejecting me sometimes I wanted to hang out, but I just wanted to be with him, so I waited him. We live in different places now so I don’t get to see him very much, but even though he’s away and I live in a new city with new friends, he is all I want and all I can think about. I feel so dependant when I do see him, I just don’t want him to leave or drop me off, I swear I’ll do anything and become anyone he’d want me to be, just as long as he stayed with me. I know I need help because just by reading this you’d know this is not healthy, but I’ve tried it all.. therapists, psychiatrists… everything. so how do I get over him when I don’t really want to? But I need to?! Please help me

    • Petra says:

      I would love to talk to you about this more – would you be up for a consultation? It’s free, just get in touch over email or my Contact / Coaching pages. I wrote a lot on this topic and there are a lot of answers to other people with the same issue here – but if none resonate with you, I think we need to talk to see what might help you.

  126. Damned if I do, damned if I don't says:

    After over four years of dating, my (now ex) husband asked me to marry him. We had lived together for two of those years, and I felt like there was no way I could ever be closer to another human. Four months after our wedding, I discovered a foreign lipstick in our bathroom. I automatically assumed he had cheated on me, but he would never do something like that. I confronted him, and he instead admitted that it was his, and he used it for sexual pleasure. Now five months later, after individual and couple’s counseling, it seems he has a fetish for dressing like a woman. As a crossdresser, his deepest desires are to have sex with me while he is in makeup, wig, shoes, etc. The worst thing about this is he was using the lipstick months before our wedding, and he didn’t tell me. I’ve done so much soul searching to decide if I can live with this, and I don’t think I can. My fear is it will escalate, and he knows he can’t promise that it won’t. He has voiced concern that he might actually be transgendered, but his therapist thinks he’s not. What’s awful about this is I feel like to stay with the person I love, I have to lie to myself and him that this isn’t something I won’t constantly worry about. If we have kids, do we tell them? Will he eventually get a sex change? Will sex with him eventually only be when he is dressed up? My mind runs 24 hours with questions that he cannot answer, simply because he doesn’t know. But he does know he loves me and still wants to be with me, so I’m in the terrible position of having to be the one to end it even though I’m not the one causing the relationship issues. The last thing I want to do is hurt the man I love, but I feel like it’s the only choice I have. We got our marriage annulled. I don’t feel like any of this has actually sunk in, and I feel like I’ll pass out when it eventually does. I can’t imagine life without him, but I feel like that life we had before is already gone even if I do hang on. He has said he can try stopping, but even if he was successful how long would he be able to hold out? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Reading these stories has been fascinating and very helpful. Thank you.

    • Petra says:

      Yes, people’s lives and stories are quite fascinating. The human experience is a complex thing 🙂 I am glad reading the threads helped you, I hope it makes you see you’re not alone, many people struggle with various strange situations life throws their way. I don’t know what you should do, there is no right and wrong answer I am afraid. Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what you can and can’t live with (which you might have done already) – and live with the consequences. If you truly love this man and want him to be a part of your life, but you can’t accept his fetish as part of your relationship, then you’ll need to redefine your relationship. You can stay friends and still love each other, only in a different way. If you’re not sure you want to end your romantic relationship – then try to decide together in which form you can keep it. What is it that he wants, what is it that you want – agree on some clear rules and boundaries. They need to satisfy you both, it won’t work if only one partner makes compromises. And you both need to feel like you’re not compromising your true selves – otherwise you will become frustrated and your relationship will deteriorate. The only way your relationship will be happy is if you’re both happy in it. You should be able to voice all your concerns – this is your life, and his life, and your future – it’s important he knows how you feel. He should be able to take in and understand why you’re not comfortable with this – he lied to you about something so important and big, that he can’t ignore the fact that has changed how you feel about him and your future together. Maybe he has thoughts he’s not sure he can share with you too. All that needs to come out so you both know where you stand. He’s probably ashamed of his fetish too, that’s why he kept it a secret. He didn’t want to lose you – but that only made it worse because he lost a part of your trust in the process. I don’t know what was the outcome of your therapy, and if you already talked about these things – or you’re about to, but – definitely, in my view, if you want to save your relationship in any shape or form, you have to be completely honest with each other. You can’t avoid hurting him – you will have to have that talk sooner or later. And when you do what you feel is best for you, it will be best for him too. He will not be happy if you’re not happy. And if you can’t find a way to stay together, then the next best thing is giving each other a chance to find someone who’s a better match.

  127. Tara says:

    I know this article has been written a while ago, but it was a good and much needed read.

    My story is a long and sorted one, but I will try to keep it short. My husband died last year May. Within weeks of him dying, I found out he had lied about so many aspects of who he was and also that he had joined eharmony.

    I joined eharmony to see if I could find his profile. I met someone, a MSW but not my therapist, but a therapist never the less. He knew why I had joined the site. He knew that my heart was broken and mourning at the same time. I told him I was a hot mess and he shouldn’t be really interested in me. But he was, and as I continued to discover my husband’s infidelity, lies about finances etc., this man, Ray was there, telling me to not be afraid to love, to be vulnerable and to let go because he was falling for me and soon he told me I was “his last stop.” The love of his life.

    While we dated there were a few things I noticed right away, he really didn’t want me to talk about my husband. Although I was still dealing with trying to manage the mourning and the anger, after four months of dating he wanted me to stop mentioning my husband, so I did. There after he would talk about my communication skills, the sound of my voice, get upset if I didn’t take suggestions from him such as how to cook a burger. He would get angry, hold onto the anger and then tell me as a MSW he had 33 years of experience and I just didn’t know how to accept criticism or suggestions. He always reminded me of his profession. If he asked me anything, it would be just a yes or no. DON’T EXPLAIN YOURSELF. DON’T JUSTIFY YOURSELF. JUST GIVE ME A SIMPLE YES OR NO.

    So, he dumped me. While dumping me he told me I was 1. A poor communicator. 2) I interrupted conversations too often. 3) I didn’t know how to accept criticism. 4) My friends probably feel the same but didn’t want to tell me 5) I probably interrupt conversations because I am looking for attention. He said that after 10 months these things angered him — and he left.

    He knew before he left I was going into radiation treatments. He hasn’t bothered to notice I was alive. He dumped me on Facebook — he now tells people that I didn’t want to be friends and that he couldn’t date someone who was rude.

    I feel as though I haven’t gotten over my husband’s deceit that I discovered after he died. I still mourn that he is gone, but confused that I am angered that if he were here I would want to know why he joined a dating site — why all the sexting I found on his phone.

    And now I am left to ask myself am I just that annoying of a person, like the MSW says, that I deserved to be left in such a crude way and with such negative things said. I never called him a name. A friend of mine called him a jerk, that hurt him, I apologized for my friend — but he never apologized for any of the above because he is an MSW he has 33 years of diagnoising people and I should be able to take the truth.

    I wake up hollow. I wake up with a title wave of emotions of feeling inadequate and unable to do the right things to be accepted. I see myself as this MSW sees me. I see myself as a wife who didn’t even know her husband was such a liar. I see myself as being used by this MSW. I want to get over him. My emotions are not wrapping its arms around logic. For someone to meet you while you are mourning — ask you to love them — leave you while you are sick — and walk completely out of your life — leaving me to wonder and I really inconsiderate, rude, unable to communicate and my friends are too afraid to tell me.

    • Petra says:

      I’d say you entered a new relationship before you were ready for it. But I understand why you did it – he seemed like a nice guy who will ease your grief and help you heal. And he did offer, at least at the beginning. But your friend was right: seems he is a real jerk with a huge ego pumped up by his title and his job. Being officially qualified to help people doesn’t mean we are actually qualified to do it. The way he treated you is appalling, especially for someone of his trade. The things he said about you, even if they were true – you don’t talk that way to the people you love. You don’t talk that way to anyone, if you truly wish to help them. So don’t take them to heart – they say nothing about you, and everything about him: a selfish, frustrated, unhappy person. By making you feel small, he can feel good about himself. I would love to talk to you – and see how we can get you to a better place, if you’re willing. But definitely – don’t think any of this is your fault, or of your making. The only mistake you made is letting this man into your life.

  128. Doro says:

    Hi everyone. I have been in a long distance relationship for about a year with a guy, that i know for 3 years. It started light but turned into a strong and emotional bond. I felt really happy. We suffered cause of the distance but when one of us was falling down, another one was strong and supportive. He told me things, that no one ever told me before, so many incredible things, and I started to think I have a real value. I know such behaviour is wrong, I should have this value from myself, not from others. I have heavy social anxiety and not many people around me, so he became the half of me. The better half. He wanted to have life and future with me and he said he loves me the way I am and he will not leave me.
    And suddenly he left. From one day to another. He wants to be friends. I was speechless.. then I told him that it hurts a lot, it was one talk, and I didn’t even bother to pretend I am fine. I didn’t blame him, I just told him how devastated I feel. He was sad that I feel so down, he wished me the best. He said he wants to be my best friend and he tried to be helpful (which made me feel even worse). I can’t be myself back again, I have no one around to talk to, and what I feel is a pain I never felt before. Paralysing and overwhelming, I can’t breathe. I know that part of this pain is my fault, that I should appreciate my life, myself, everything no matter if I am with someone or not. I know these were only words, and none of them might be true, I know all this. But this knowledge doesn’t help. 2 weeks have passed and all I see is black. He says “I miss you”, “I was worried”. And this care of his (don’t even know if real) makes me cry even more. My emotions don’t listen to my logic. I was writing things, reading articles, focusing on various tasks, trying everything to make me feel even little better, but I am totally smashed, hopeless and depressed. When he writes I smile and reply warm and polite, nothing related to “us”, but behind the screen tears are dropping on my keyboard. He moves on, meets friends, does what he loves. I sit in my cage and can’t do anything, despite I try. I have never felt like this before, why it doesn’t stop? I feel like I am loosing this battle.

    • Petra says:

      Hey there. Please hold on – you will have to go through this crying desperation, it’s a normal thing. And it will pass. The way he left you was unexpected, you were totally unprepared and you thought everything was fine – that’s why it’s such an emotional shock. Just allow yourself to grieve, to mourn, to be angry, sad, to be anything you feel like being. The emotions have to do their thing, and you have every right to feel that way now. But then, when you start feeling better – think about why this happened, what’s he really like, what signs where there you overlooked. And what you want and need from your next relationship so it doesn’t end this way, and you get treated nicer. Part of the problem is I am sure long distance, those relationships are always harder to maintain. I wrote about it in this article: Long distance dating: pros and cons, it might help you feel better and understand why it didn’t work. If you’d like to talk about it more, do contact me for a consultation (via email or Contact / Coaching pages). Take care!

  129. Gia says:

    Hello Petra ! I really need your advice.. I am verry confused about what I should do .
    So here it goes:
    When I was abt 11 I fell in love with a guy – my neighbor who is 15 years older. I was aware that he probably doesn’t even sees me at that time..we became friends over the years,and when I was 18 we had a one night stand.by that time he was married and had a kid, so I tryed to forget abt him,thinking that I couldn’t be the reason 4 a breakup tht ivolved a kid.years got by,i got married,he got divorced..we did remain friends,But i tryed To keep The distance bcz i was married and believed tht i am The only one feeling like i did.
    Last year i got divorced also..after 10 years of marriage and a 3yo kid.my ex after i had His kid turned into a monster. ( he insisted on having The baby ) .
    We separated,i took The kid with me.i moved back into my childhood street..and so we meet again..my obsession and i.
    He was divorced also,seccond time,had 2 kids,one of them stayed with him.we started dating as friends, this time i needed one..But i realised tht i was again and still inlove with him..But forced myself not To show it.he conffesed tht he always wanted Me To be his..since always. So we started to be a couple. We were So happy !

  130. Gia says:

    In just 3 months we were like since forever toghether But in The same time i was in LOVE deeper.
    In all this time my ex bagged me for conciliation,whent to therapy to treat his behavior and tried to show me he’s changed back,like he was when I love him .but I was over him before the divorce,3 long bad years with manny sorrow tears made me leave and convinced me that he didn’t deserve me .
    In the 3’rd month with my obsession i found out that he was having sex with a prostitute that he sheltered in his house bcz he sayed tht he felt pitty-verry young with a young sick kid-and tht is temporary,he has nothing else to to with her,but turned out to be a lie. I felt so heart broken..all the plans we had,all the love I felt,things I was about to do for “us”.. I broke up with him. Feeling so miserable eventually I decided to give my ex a 2-nd chance,for my kid who was so affected by our divorce,4 me hopping I could at least have back what we did 7 years ago as my ex promised..he knows abt tht guy.only tht we were together,I tould him tht I was bored,tht he ment nothing so we could have out best chance to start fresh. But the truth..is tht my heart is still wanting tht man.no matter what my head knows.4 months since I last saw him but I am always thinking of him,pretending to be alive,to have a normal family . Daydreaming. Feeling stupid,hating myself bcz now my ex is really the great man he used to be but I can’t love him,I can’t eaven give him the chance to make me love him . I am horrible.

    • Petra says:

      If you can’t be with the one you want, and don’t want to be with the one who wants you – a possible third option is – be on your own. That will give you space to think, distance yourself from the drama, get a better perspective and see what you really want and need. And which of the two guys is a better choice for you. If any. I know such decision is not easy to make, and you could lose them both – but the current setup is not making anyone happy either. I understand you want to do good for your child too, but if parents are not happy and don’t love each other the kids usually don’t benefit much if they stay together. To be honest, it’s really hard to say what would be the best as your situation is quite complex, I would need some more information to be able to advise you well, so if you’d like to have a proper chat about it – do contact me for a consultation.

  131. lyndsey says:

    Hi Petra,

    I appreciate and admire you reading and responding to all your commenters. Thank you for your article. It’s been two weeks since I was broken up with and besides my pleading during the break-up, we’ve had zero contact. While there were certainly rocky times, I think my ex gave up way too early. Anyways while I would love for him to want to mend the relationship, I realize that if he can’t recognize my value and doesn’t want to be with me, he is certainly not who I want to be with. While I’ve rationally concluded this, I’m having a tough time because I can feel that there’s still a piece of me hoping everyday that he’ll reach out. In my mind the way to end the cycle is for me to send a quick simple email telling him that I am too now officially over the relationship and will not be looking back – to finalize things in my mind. I feel like without sending something like this, I will never be able to heal if I continue having that small glimmer of hope. I would love to not have to send the email, but there’s something about telling him I’m done with it that makes it more final. Maybe I’m trying to make sure he’s completely over the relationship too and this will give him one last chance to change his mind (though I am certainly not using this as a ploy to get him back)?

    Should I send the email? Should I wait it out a little longer? I can’t imagine never having to finalize the break-up from my end, but should I wait until I’m a little more emotionally stable?

    Thank you so much for your time.

    Lyndsey

    • Petra says:

      Hello Lyndsey – thank you for your kind words and compliments. Always nice to hear 🙂 Regarding your question – ask yourself what is the real reason you want to send this email: is it to provoke a reaction from him and see if he regrets he left you – and would he feel different if he knew you don’t want him back? Or is it to close the door and prevent yourself from contacting him in the future, when you feel weak – because it will be pointless and embarrassing? Or you really just need that type of closure to move on? Whatever the reason – it’s really something you are doing for you, not for him, so if you feel his reaction (or no reaction) will hurt you, take that into account. I doubt your email will change his feelings. He left you, stopped all contact – that is a clear enough message he is over you. If he had doubts, you’d still be together or at least talking about it. When you are in love with someone, you don’t cut them off. You do whatever it takes to make things work, and repair your relationship.

      • Lyndsey says:

        Thank you so much for your honest thoughts. I will try to heal a little more and reassess (with a clearer head) what my intentions are for sending the email.

  132. Ashley says:

    Hey petra I have definitely been down the heart ache road a time or two it hurts but this last time idk I felt stupid or like I missed something somewhere me abd this woman dated for two months I wasn’t quite inlove with her but I felt myself falling we would say we cared and loved each other though then one day like a few days ago the day seemed fine and we ended up having a small argument I asked her a few questions that led up to her thinking really hard and then she says we need time apart I asked why she said it is me not you im in a downward spiral and I don’t want to bring you down with me idk yes recently she hurt herself at work and has to get surgery and the day after she broke up with me was her mother one year death anniversary, I asked her what she meant by downward spiral she said she failing in life right now and she doesn’t want herself to be the reason why I fail to she cant let that happen then she just stopped talking to me as if I never existed no call no check ups no I still care she spoke to a mutual friend of ours and told them she felt bad but I mean I don’t get it its hard for me to except because just a day before we were talking about moving into a place together and she would tell me im the best thing that ever happened to her she explained her past relationships in a bad way telling me how she never been treated with respect and shes been hurt and how she has never been with someone who treated her like she was somebody or she mattered so now im left confused how one day you love me and were maing plans and your writing me poems and im the best thing that has ever happened to you then the next ok yes I understand she said she doesn’t want me going in bad direction to but if you loved me so ,much how can you act like I never existed sometimes I try to text her she wont answer me she wont speake no call but I thought you were inlove with me you know how do you just act like someone never existed when you loved them in the same day im confused witch is why its so hard for me to let it go please help me getter better understanding.

    Ashley

    • Petra says:

      Hi Ashley – I can see how her words and her behaviour are confusing you totally. But when it comes to getting clarity – the important thing is how she behaves, not what she says. She clearly wanted to break up, there is no doubt about it, but the way she did it is really not nice. You should look back a bit and think about all the things that did not work out, things she was unhappy with, complained about, argued with you about – those are the real indicators how she felt. It might not help you immediately to look at your relationship in a more realistic view (not just thinking of nice cute gestures and moments of bliss, but the totality of your relationship) – but over time you will understand why it didn’t work. I would recommend you also my latest video blog, it will help you get clarity. It’s about how breakups get confusing and painful because people who break up with us wrong reasons and give us false hope – Don’t leave me this way: breakup etiquette.

  133. Renee says:

    A little over a year ago, when I least expected it, I met a guy who was everything I was looking for: intelligent, funny, introduced me to his sister, told his parents about me, etc. etc. It was nice to finally meet a “good” guy after doing the online dating thing and having little success.

    Something happened a month after we met, that has become significant now: He quit his job and was looking for something else but finding a job proved futile until this month. He is financially secure but his career issues over the year took a toll on him and he was depressed. He had major success in his 20s and now in his late 30s he thought he had peaked. The industry he works it is booming in one state (but suffering in the state we both live in). He started looking for opportunities out of state, which I encouraged, although he didn’t want to move. We had conversations about “us” but nothing in-depth and we would just defer until next time. He did ask me about my timeline and we discussed marriage and kids.

    I was very encouraging about him finding a new position, even if it was out of state. And then it happened. A few days ago. He got an offer while I was out of town. I noticed he was being a little weird and wasn’t texting me at much. I have also been very busy with work so I didn’t think much of it. I returned to town and he sent a text saying he wanted to meet and talk about us and I got a bad feeling because I was expecting he would want to come over to hang out.. He told me about the offer and then essentially broke up with me (i am wonderful…etc etc u know the usual but he doesn’t want to ask me to move with him because he can’t promise the relationship will work and he can’t honor the timelines we discussed. Also he mentioned that the relationship hadn’t progressed to the point it should have in a year—which is also a product of the fact that he had the career issues so a lot was in limbo. I felt we were both scared of going all in). He didn’t even give me the option to decide to move. He did mention possibly taking a break for a month or so but I dismissed it and said either we are together or not. I have really been caught off guard and felt like he had processed all this while I was away and I was playing catch-up. I cried like a baby (not cute) and had a panic attack (extra not cute) right in-front of him! He eventually left and said he is open to talking if i have any solutions but he can’t think of anything.

    After talking to friends and thinking about it myself, I realized I should just let him go because he was never that into me. I emailed him a couple of times after we had the break up talk and he responded. The last message included the fact that for the past several years, anytime he has held off of making a personal decision because of a relationship potential, his career has suffered. I guess this time around, I was the casualty. I didn’t even want him to stay because of me. I actually do want him to take this out of state position but I figured he cared about me enough to want to continue a long distance relationship for short period and then me eventually move there. The company I work for has an office in the state he is moving to and making the transition wouldn’t be a problem, but I guess he doesn’t see future with me. He said he wouldn’t allow me to move for him and ruin my career if it doesn’t work out.

    We never said “I love you” to each other so I guess that should have been a red flag. I just figured once he found a job and his mood picked up, our relationship would progress. I am having a very difficult time moving forward. I’m crushed. I really thought I had found my partner for life. I am now trying to heal and move on. I wish I could fast forward this so I can have some normalcy back in my life. This is devastating.

    • Petra says:

      Feels to me you already gave yourself the answers why it didn’t work. I’d say the most important one is this one: “we were both scared of going all in”. I know it’s tough now but when you get over him, you’ll see it was a good thing you parted ways. If you’re not sure after a year of dating (both of you, or just one person) that it’s the real thing, it would be even harder to believe in it when life gives you bigger challenges – like responsibilities over shared finances or kids. At that point you really want to be with a person you can loudly and proudly say you love them.

  134. Karen says:

    I met a man online almost 6 yrs ago. We clicked instantly. We ‘get each other’ and make each other laugh…lots of banter. We have crazy chemistry. We met at a bad time. I had been separated 8 months and not ready for a commitment and someone with expectations. He had been on his own for 8 years. A few girlfriends but not much. He wanted more. He lives in England, me in Canada. He is a pessimist, I’m an optimist. He couldn’t see how it would work especially with my emotional unpreparedness. We hung on for a while but he got bitter about my not sharing my real life. We split. I tried to keep it together. He talked to me but he put up walls. Sometimes he called and we had phone sex. He started seeing someone online 8 months after we split. Told me ‘its been 8 months don’t you think its time I moved on?”. He told me he was going to see her (she was in Sweden) and then he and I had phone sex…he went away for a week, came back, called me, was intimate again with me and ended it with her a few weeks later. We went back and forth for a while. I realized I love him. I said to him I needed to tell him something, he said ‘don’t I don’t want to hate you’ but I told him anyway. We had a break from each other. I had a couple online relationships (I’m pretty sure he knew about them) and one day he contacted me and asked me to play an online game with him and his friends. I was bored with life at the time and said sure. Within a couple of weeks he was flirting and doing his teasing he always does with me. He told me though he had a girlfriend. He said he loved her but as a friend. That he never intended to live with her or marry her. He told me that their real life sex didn’t compare to our intensity. We had cybersex. I started falling for him again. It got hard being around him. I loved him more and more every day talking to him. He would say ‘what do you want me to do? I have a girlfriend” he would say ‘doesn’t matter what you or I or anyone says it would never work for us’ (because of the distance) He couldn’t do a long distance relationship. He had trust issues from a previous relationship. I realized I needed to get away from him. I told him I was quitting the game. He got angry. Said “that’s what you think the answer is? leaving??”. I left. I removed myself from the group, I deleted his contact from my friends list, I cancelled my subscription. I tried writing him later to explain but he refused to respond to me. For 8 months i would write him occasionally but he never responded. Finally I went back to the game. Within a month I was in town and noticed him talking in open chat…to me. Within a couple days he called me and played with me and a couple days later we were talking and things happened. He said he still had the girlfriend and was not going to break up with her. He said he knew it bothered me. I guess he was proposing a friends with benefits online thing but I was blind and thought it was his feelings. After a month of hooking up I started questioning him. He had made it purely sexual. One night i got sad. I asked him if I had hurt him and this is why he minimized our connection. He said I had. I asked if it was all about sex for him then…he said ‘recently yes’. It went downhill. We didn’t fight he just didn’t want to discuss feelings. He just stopped answering. No replies. Silence again. I left him alone for a while then I tried to get him to talk to me and was met with silence. I went back to the game a 3rd time. After a few months i started sending in game mail asking him game questions. At first he asked why I was contacting him after all that time and he asked if I found someone in rl. He told me he would be careful about what he said to me in future. I said I would too. I compared this time to me holding feed in my hand for a deer trying to get its trust. Gradually the contact became more regular. He said he was still with the same girl. He started calling me in skype. I let him make ALL the initiating of contact. He would call and talk about the game and sometimes would get sexual with me etc. One day he told me that he loved her. That she was a good woman who didn’t deserve to be hurt, she’d done nothing wrong. She would be hurt if she knew about ‘this’. How our ‘situation’ was unusual and complicated. How I must wonder how he can say he loves her and talk to me the way he does but he said ‘I still think about you’. He said it in an emotional way. I told him I wanted to just enjoy the moments with him. I had no expectations. I just needed him in my life. I asked him if that was okay? if we were good. He seemed lighter and happy. He flirted and talked sexually to me.
    For a few weeks we got closer. He started answering my in game mail regularly. I sent him mail rather than initiating a convo. If we talked real time it was because he messaged, if we talked in skype he made the call. He kind of sucked me in again and we were intimate (cyber). He wound me up for a few days then seemed to withdraw. Avoided skype, he responded to my messages, was helpful but distant. I tried to ask if everything was okay and he kept saying his life was busy and it had nothing to do with me. I saw him online though. Frequently. Playing with friends. Finally I asked if I did something wrong…the last time we talked in voice we had sex so maybe it made him uncomfortable. He flipped on me. Implied I was making too much of ‘us’. I backed down. No drama. Said ok. He called me the next morning and told me off for the question I had asked. I explained. Hey if you are talking to someone A LOT and they suddenly stop for 2 weeks wouldn’t you think that something upset them in the last call? He said ‘I don’t talk to anyone every day’, I said I don’t expect you to but I thought it would be more than nothing. I don’t know what happened in that call but he made a shift. He started calling me every day he was online. EVERY DAY. We played the game together and talked from 2 to 6 hours a day, sometimes more. About everything. Very little about his gf and even less about us other than a couple ‘scenario conversations’. He flirts, he teases, endlessly, he tells me that if I were in his country he would not be able to stop from seeing me. I never initiate anything. I never call. Ever. He phones me when he logs in and sees me or when he sees me log in. Was cute, he sent me flowers from his ‘garrison’ last week.He sometimes calls me more than once (before and after work)
    I’m so in love with him. I love his faults. I wouldn’t change a thing even his stubborn pessimism. I love his rough edges. I need him in my life. I think he loves being around me too. I told him that things change and the distance could change.
    What do I do? I’m lost. He is still with her. He sees her on his days off. Of course he calls me when I wake up and talks to me and plays with me until she comes to his house on Sat then calls me again Sunday when shes gone.
    He told me hes ‘in love’ with her.
    I ask him for nothing. I miss him every day. He talks more and more every day like he did when we were together. He teases me endlessly but is protective in the game. He bugs me in a jealous way if I don’t answer skype for some reason.
    What do i do? Am I crazy?

    • Petra says:

      Well, I’d say – it all depends what you want from a man and from a relationship. If you’re happy with being in love with a guy you never see, touch or experience anything together (in real life, not in an online game), and happy to share him with other women (there might be more than one) – then you’re fine. If you want a man in flesh, and a man who loves you and only you – then you are certainly on the wrong trail. I think you have to think about what you really want in your love life. That will determine whether this relationship has any future, and is it good for you. I think it’s time to have that self-talk – 6 years is a long time to be in love with someone online, especially if you want something for real. If you’d like to talk about that – let me know via email and we’ll set up a consultation.

  135. Vee says:

    I am madly in love with this girl who I met when I joined a new company. We joined on the same date and she was already engaged at that time. During our induction we became good friends and we started chatting. As days progressed we became close friends and our chats started getting personal. We used to hang out on weekends and have meals together and chat through out the day. During one of such outings she confessed that she doesn’t love her fiancé anymore. I started falling for her and I knew she was getting attracted to me. There was this immense connection between us and we got each other like no one has ever. I genuinely believed her to be the one and in her heart she knew that I was the one for her. I asked her to call off the wedding and she considered but it was too late. She told everything to her fiancé and he called me to stay away from her. She left the company and is getting married in 2 weeks time.i have stopped talking to her but she mails/ texts me and she wants me in her life as best friend but I cannot see her with anyone else. I have stopped replying but it is killing me . I want to talk to her but I can’t see her getting married to someone else.all day long I think about her. What do I do?

    • Petra says:

      I think you did the right thing by stopping communication – if you stay in touch it will be much harder to get over her. We can’t really be friends with people we’re in love with, because we want more than that and the relationship ends up being painful and frustrating. You can be friends with her once you get over her (if she’s a true friend she should understand your decision to stay away until that happens), but at this point it will probably be more torture than fun. I also think her decision to get married even though she doesn’t have feelings for her fiance is a red flag – shows she is not very clear what she wants in her life and relationship. The reason she gave you – it’s too late, is hardly a good enough one. You don’t decide to spend your life with someone just because of the inconvenience of cancelling your wedding plans. That decision will probably backfire on her down the line, if she doesn’t develop feelings for him again. I know you feel hurt and confused now, but once you get her out of your system you will see why it didn’t work out between you, and that it was a good thing you didn’t end up together.

      • Vee says:

        Thanks for replying. I have been getting this advice from my family members but they all interested parties so I did not pay heed but getting to hear from a 3rd party has given me so much more confidence.I have not talked to her in 2 weeks and I still miss her desperately all the time but tears have reduced.How long do u thing will it take me to get over her?Also any suggestion to expedite the process. Thanks again. Appreciate .

        • Petra says:

          I don’t know how long will it last, that’s hard to predict because it’s very individual and people process breakups in various ways. If you can set the story right in your mind – that she wasn’t the one, and there were legitimate reasons why you broke up, it will get faster. Usually what keeps us lingering and looking back too long is when we think what we had with that particular person will never happen for us again. That’s what perpetuates the feelings. Also disconnecting from the ex as much as possible helps. You’ll still get reminders but they will be rarer, plus you won’t spend time thinking about what she said, how she looked at you, why she wrote that or this in a message – which only gives you reason to not let go. Hope that helps!

          • Vee says:

            Petra, she got married on the 9th of this month and ever since Its getting worse for me. Every time I keep imagining her with her hubby and it’s killing me. All I keep thinking is about her and the intensity and frequency has increased manifold.I am doing everything I can to get over her but it seems impossible. It is as if she is within me. I can’t forget her. This was the first time I had fallen in love and I got my heart broken real bad.please help me to get over her.

          • Petra says:

            How about we talk about this? If you’d like that contact me for a consultation (via Contact / Work with me pages).

  136. anthea says:

    I am struggling to come to terms with the lies and deceit of the man I loved. He started seeing someone else without telling me and I only found out because her husband found out and beat him up. Since then I cannot get a straight story from him. I have no idea when it started, if he plans to continue seeing her. I am hurting. I believe we are meant to be together. But it seems he does not. I need to let go but it is so hard. I love him.

    • Petra says:

      These situations are never easy… if you can’t get a straight answer from him that is a pretty good indicator he still has feelings for her, and would like to continue the affair. If you’d like help in dealing with the situation do contact me for a consultation (via email or Contact / Work with me pages). Take care.

  137. Cupcakes says:

    Around 6 years back there was this guy who asked me out. Unsure of what to do I refused but we stayed in touch. We ended up being best friends with him asking me out on and off. During the entire time I told him to move on the entire time. The truth was that I had developed feelings for him and he had become a very important part of my life. I wanted to go caught up in doing what is wrong and what is right, and wanting to go abroad for higher studies I couldn’t say a ‘yes’ to him.

    Something happened in my life and I went under depression for almost six months. All this time I kept on looking towards him for emotional support which I never got in return. Being the introvert I am I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. All I wanted from him was to tell me that he was there. Which never happened.

    I finally found the courage to tell him my feelings and despite clearing my exams I decided to give up on my career to be with him. I also decided to let my mom know about it because just a few months back he asked me for marriage. The day I talked it out with him he said he’s moved on. As lame as it sounds I didn’t move on for so many years because I felt a responsibility towards him. It’s not him moving on that’s bothering me. The fact that he knew I wasn’t doing well, not being there as he always said he would be and finding a girlfriend exactly at that point when I was my lowest and above all not letting me know that he had been dating for a few months now hurt me the most.

    Whenever be needed me I was there. even if he didn’t tell me what his problems were I was by his side. And when I needed him he just found it convenient to ‘move on’. All this just makes me feel..was I ever a friend to him?

    I don’t know what to do and how to come out of it. I don’t even know whether I’ll ever be able to come out of it. It just hurts a lot.

    • Petra says:

      Well, I know you feel like he’s betrayed you – but you were the one who didn’t want to date him for 6 (!) years. That is a long time for anyone to linger and hope and wait. He finally got fed up with it and moved on. And then you decided he is the one you want to marry – but it was too late. I understand you being an introvert makes it hard for you to communicate how you feel – but now you see that is very important, because people don’t know how we feel if we don’t tell them. And next time please don’t wait for so long. If you love someone and you want to be with them, take the plunge. Life will always happen – studies, jobs, ups and downs will be there constantly – you don’t want to postpone loving someone because now “is not the right time”. It will never be the perfect time. Even when you feel it is – and you do it, next thing you know – life will throw a challenge or a big change at you. But maybe your partner will love you and will be happy to support you through it. And that’s what love is, we don’t wait for perfection, but we stick around when it gets tough, because we care. The fact he wasn’t there for you when you were going through tough times – is because you didn’t want him to be there for you before that. And if it happened while he just fell in love with someone new, it was probably all he could think of. I am sure he could have been a better friend, and it might be the case he let you down as one, but – in a romantic sense he was waiting for you longer than most would, but he (very logically) concluded that after all these years – you did not care for him enough, otherwise you’d make up your mind sooner. Just imagine if you had to wait for some guy to decide if he wants to be with you for 6 years – would you think he is into you?

  138. Jaclyn says:

    Earlier this month (April) I found out that the guy I liked and cared for, who I thought was really into me and cared about me, entered a relationship with this girl on the campus we go to. We dated for a short while but I told him I wanted to continue our friendship. I know I probably hurt him and maybe should have worded it differently, but now I feel terrible! I have never felt so sick, emotional, vulnerable, and weak in my life! I realized my feelings too late, and believed that him and I were special to each other despite what I said. I don’t know what to do! He said “we still have a bitchin friendship” (his words) over a text, we never talked about anything in person, but I haven’t heard from him, I don’t see him anymore! Even after I asked for us to be friends for now we continued to text for hours at a time, he even opened up to me about some deep personal things. That’s why I thought we were special. But it was only over text, in person our communication isn’t the greatest. I’ve always noticed that there was a little awkwardness and silence between us, which is why I was afraid to get involved with him I guess. I know it sounds like I’m making excuses, but the bottom line is I don’t know what to do. I understand why all this happened. That he can’t wait forever. I’m just shocked that this happened so suddenly and that he didn’t say anything to my face. Now the awkwardness and silence is so painful, the joy I received from seeing him and spending time with him is completely gone and I don’t know what to do!

    • Petra says:

      Maybe you just want him because he has someone else? Because when you knew he was single you were happy with just texting and being friends. Now when he has someone, it’s suddenly a shock – probably because he’s not giving you attention any more. But you rejected him first. Can you imagine how he felt when you told him you just want to be friends? That must have hurt and was sudden too. I’d say – find a guy you feel good about when you are with him, forget the whole “online” love because it is never real. We can say great things in writing, stuff we don’t mean, as long as we don’t need to follow up – we can come across as this amazing, fun person. Anybody can do that. But the real test is how we behave, what we do for the person we are interacting with. Words are just words, they don’t mean much. It’s like reading a novel and pretending you’re a character in it. Relationships need spending time together, sharing experiences, seeing how your partner lives, what he does, how he engages with the world.

  139. John says:

    I am in exactly this situation now. I met a woman a few months ago and from the moment we met, there was a huge connection. The physical chemistry was incredible but even stranger was this feeling that we have known each other all our lives. I have been married and engaged before (now divorced two years) and had girlfriends too in my life, but no one has affected me like this on so many levels. From our first time meeting at a dance club, where we danced all night and kissed, held hands, to the natural feeling we have just being in each others company is astounding.
    We have spent entire weekends together, i have met her parents and sister and friends, she has met mine and all was well. But from day one she told me she was not ready for a serious relationship. But we apparently had one, as far as how she acted towards me and I towards her. We were both on an online dating site but as soon as I met her and the feelings for her started, I dropped off it entirely but she stayed on to check emails, she said. Recently I happened to get some email form that site and I went on to see about it and I saw her profile, and that she had updated it, with new pictures. It really hurt me that she could act like she does towards me and still be looking. When i asked her about ‘us’ she basically said again, she isnt ready for a serious relationship. We text each other everyday but over the past couple weeks she has noticeably cooled in her replies to mine. I no loner get the sweet names like ‘honey’ and if i reply ‘i miss’ you, there is no response to it. My male friends tell me to drop contact with her altogether for awhile to see if she really does care for me like i thought she did, or if she is just using me for attention. Trouble is, that sounds like a mind game and I dont play games. My gut tells me something has changed and I dont get it. So im left with either hanging on, hoping she isnt using me emotionally, of move on.
    I am sympathizing with others posts her. This may be the first time I have encountered such a connection with a woman in my entire life. Im 50 years old but I might as well be 20 right now. My heart says maybe she needs time to figure out what she wants or is ready again for a relationship. she is 48 and has also been married and divorced and broke off a one year relationship about 3 months before we met. My brain and freinds say leave her alone and if she doesnt try to reconnect, that it will tell me all i need to know. We had lunch together this past week and we held hands, she acted like always towards me and I left even more confused and emotionally turbulent. This is really gnawing at me and Im a wreck.

  140. Jessica says:

    Hi,

    I moved to a new city about 2 years ago and shortly met a girl that works in the same company as me.She was in a bad relationship and she wasn’t feeling loved and we started hanging out a lot and she ended up dumping her boyfriend, not for me,but she said it just wasn’t working after 8 years of trying. We got together right after, I know I was probably a rebound,but I was hoping maybe it will turn into something else eventually. Everything was great for about 6 months and every now and then she mourned her past relationship. She wouldn’t commit to me and I finally walked away about a year in. But she wouldn’t leave me alone and I thought she finally realize she missed me and wanted me back. We started hanging out again every weekend and things were going great she even wanted to really make a go this time,I was so excited. The very day we decided to try it again her ex dunk texted her saying “she’s the love of his life and he’s sick” and what not. She ended up crying and said he’s like family so she’ll check up on him later,which is understandable.

    But after hanging out with him,something changed. I think that was the closure for her,and she never act the same way around me again. She’s distant,less affectionate. And I desperately tried to hold on,try to remind her of all the great things we can do together and I think it just pushes her away more and more. She said she likes me as a friend,but I’m in a way hindering her from moving on. She said she loves that I see her and her son as family and I’m always welcome there,but as friends. She said I helped her get over her ex,and she said if she knew I would be so involved she probably wouldn’t started this in the first place. How could she say that when she has also said other things that made me believe she wants more? And once my soft words worked in working things out now they just seem like annoyance to her.

    I don’t really have friends in this new city as I spent practically all my time here with her and I’m pretty introverted. I’ve never felt so at home with anyone other than her. Quite frankly I don’t want to move on. Even as just having her as a friend I think I would still take that. But I constantly crave her affection,that I’m almost acting like her other child. How could people be so cruel, so inconsiderate that feelings get toyed with.

    What should I do? How do I move on and settle with being friends?

    • Petra says:

      You don’t want to move on – but unfortunately you’ll have to, that is your best chance to find new friends, and a new partner. Sticking around your ex as “just friends” seems like an easier choice now but if you’re still in love with her it will be an emotional rollercoaster. You already invested so much of your energy and time into this relationship, and it didn’t develop into anything serious, why stay so dependant on a person who’s hurt and dissapointed you more than once? If you make an effort to make new friends you’ll be much less vulnerable to her whims, even if you stay close. She did lead you on, but it might have been accidental. Seems like she isn’t clear about her own feelings, maybe it’s because she moved on to a new relationship too quickly, maybe she’s just insecure and confused, but whichever it is – your best bet to get to a better place is stop being so dependant on this one relationship to make you happy, because there are very slim chances for that.

  141. Jack brown says:

    Hi my name is Jack I was in a relationship for 7 years with my high school sweet Hart we have to beautiful kids together but about a month ago she told me she did not know about us as a couple any more and then I moved away about 2 hrs from her cuz I Love her I really do but she says she does not Love me anymore and has not been happy for some time I want to be over her I really do and just make my self happy she say she does not want to talk and wants to make her self happy but she still calls me every day some times so I can talk to my kids but other times to talk to me but like I saI’d she does not want to talk but she always calls or text she makes me feel like a bad person for leaving but I know I can’t stay there and be happy anyone have some kind of advise for me it would be awesome

    • Petra says:

      Hi Jack I think you maybe need to re-define your current relationship and put some boundaries there. You of course have to be in touch because of your children, but you should decide (or agree with her) what is acceptable outside of that communication. That will help you both move on. If either of you still feels there is something left to discuss about your breakup to get a proper closure, best schedule to meet and talk about it than go back and forth blaming and judging each other. That’s ineffective and only perpetuates the pain. Other than that – I can’t really tell you much with this little information. If you’d like to discuss in more detail, do contact me on email for a consultation.

  142. Dylan says:

    Some of the comments on here almost seem sobering. To see that there are people who have continuously felt the way I feel now for years. Scares the hell out of me. I would love to convince myself that you are right. That eventually if I implement all of these things described then with persistence I will fall out of this routine of pain. Time is suppose to heal but it only seems to increase the desires. Possibly due to the slow and subtle realization that the longer time goes on the less likely it is you will ever end up back together and the more likely it is that maybe your not going to get over it.
    My ex and I didn’t have a perfect relationship by any means. We loved to fight, we were jealous, we lacked trust. I wont sit here and deny that for a second. I can look and see all of the things that she did that drove me absolutely crazy. I could pick 100 things that we could have both done better. The problem is. I can do the same for the things we did great. My issue I feel is the probably the same as the majority of the people in this comment stream. The idea that at one moment we are absolutely in love and the next they all of the sudden completely change the situation. How can one grasp the idea that love disappears so quickly. My situation became even more difficult when my ex and I communicated on occasion and she talked repeatedly about how she was still so in love with me and was having such a hard time getting over me. excuse my language but WTF?? How am I ever suppose to get over and stop loving someone when the things that they are communicating say that they are in love as well. I tried to get her back, but even though she was still very attracted to me and “wanted” to be with me she just refused to let herself. We even had sex the night we broke up and once again a couple of months later. Talked all night and acted like we were still together or something. After years of being together they choose to up and leave but still act like they love you? I know i just went on a rant that was most likely irrelevant, but the point lies in the question of how do you move on from something like that. When its all you want in the world literally, and from some of their actions and words its something they aren’t sure of either. Needless to say we have been broken up for 3 months now and she is pretty serious with another guy now. The last time we spoke was 3 weeks ago when we had sex. I would love to sit here and say that Ill find another girl. But my heart will never believe or even accept that. When you give so much of your love to someone maybe you don’t get it back. I don’t have an issue with getting girls. That’s not the problem. I have an issue with caring about any of them when everything I have to give has already been given.

    • lynn fowler says:

      my husband of 14 years has just left me saying our marriage has been rubbish the last 7 years due to the lack of intamicy and me not wanting to socialise ihve low confidance and self esteem which im now getting help for my husand gave me very mixed messages ranging from saying he loved me but not in love with me it was over we had no future together that he had made his mind up to saying he may regret it this might not be it

      • Petra says:

        If he thought it was rubbish for 7 years and he never said anything or did anything to make it better, and never communicated to you he was unhappy – then honestly you’re probably better off without him. I am sure you’re hurt and confused – if you’d like to talk about it do get in touch for a consultation.

    • Petra says:

      Seems she doesn’t know what she wants. Or feels. That’s why she’s giving you the mixed signals. And playing with your feelings, which isn’t nice – she may not be doing it consciously, but it’s still not nice – if you want to be happy with someone you don’t want them to be unstable and flaky. How can she be “serious” with her new guy and still be sleeping with you on and off? You had highs and lows in your relationship, and yes your bond was genuine and fun and amazing – but there were clearly issues that are too big to ignore, and no matter how good it was when it was good, it wasn’t enough. You still love her for the good times, but what you need to do is move away, and look at the totality of her personality, and your relationship. Be objective, and ask yourself – is this really what you want, and why? Is it because you think you can’t do any better? Because she is so special you’ll never find it again? Do you really love her because of her or because you can’t have her? Maybe it’s neither of those – I am just giving you ideas to start questioning your feelings for her, because if you understand why you still love her despite all the bad behaviour she exhibited, that will give you a clue how to get over her.

      • dylan says:

        To be honest I feel like your right when you say that I could be still so in love with her because I feel like she is the best I could ever do. However superficial it may be she literally is the most beautiful girl I have ever met in my life. That is not an exaggeration. Apart from her physical attributes we were basically the same person. We loved all of the same things, had the same passions, even kind of looked the same haha. I guess i have just built her up so much in my head that I feel like I will never be able to be satisfied with anyone else. I have no idea how I will ever get over the longing and thoughts of whether or not who I am with is better. I mean how do you ever settle for someone who doesn’t make you as proud to be with or happy. And with that said what if you truly are never going to be able to get anyone as good. Its just more of a fear that I am always going to be disappointed with anyone but her, and thats a problem considering I am ready to start a family and enter that step in life. I dont want to be single forever. She still looks at my stuff. I tagged a girl in a picture a couple of days ago and she texted me a trivial text. I didnt reply then or when she got upset and said i dont know why you wont respond. Ill admit i did this in hopes to re attract her. Regardless of how many times someone tells me its not going to work out even if we do get back together I am unable to accept that we wont. I am not fighting to get her back, but i still feel like everything I do is one subtle step closer to that goal. Who knows. Thank you for your help!

        • Petra says:

          Dylan, in my experience there is ALWAYS someone equally good or better for you than the person you dated. This is because we grow and mature as people and partners, and our capacity for love and connection grows accordingly. Then you can have a relationship with mostly fun, and very little if any fighting. Love doesn’t need drama. Also, I think you can’t possibly know if she is the best match for you out there, unless you dated like billions of girls, or at least millions. If you do want to get over her, it would help to stop communicating. If she wants to come back for real, she will. If she gets back to you because she is jealous of you flirting with other girls, well… that won’t last.

    • Jaco says:

      Dylan, your comment captures the feeling I’ve been having for the last three months in the best way possible. I broke out in tears when i read:

      “Time is suppose to heal but it only seems to increase the desires. Possibly due to the slow and subtle realization that the longer time goes on the less likely it is you will ever end up back together and the more likely it is that maybe your not going to get over it.”

      I have the exact same issue where I try to break contact, but it eventually just makes me more miserable. So then I go back. It seems like I’m not strong enough for any situation.

  143. Daniela says:

    Hi! I just read your article because I have been crying and I want to find a reason why I still cry for this person! I am a single mum with a 17 months old baby. The pregnancy happened too quickly after we met but then again he told he was looking to rebuild his life. I do not regret it, I love my daughter. After he understood I couldn’t abort the child I was left ignored and alone. He was always busy and it was weird how he was more worried of helping his friend (girl) to have a better life and come to london. He found a 1 bed flat which I thought it would be for the three of us but no, in fact it was for him and his fun! He keep coming to me whenever he wanted to and ignoring whenever he wanted to and that was most of time. I had my child , he was not there of course. I was alone, and when I found a bigger house for me and my child was the moment when I told him to move in, in fact he told me he would like to live with us as a family. Then he changed his mind and after that I didn’t see him or hear him and even he stopped sending me money help for about 5 to 6 months. When we talked again was the time when child maintenance team got involved for him to send the maintenance to the kid. After couple of months he told me he would like to move in with me apparently because he had an issue with his landlord. I told him yes! He was always in other planet, complaining, and saying I will not stay here and will leave as soon as I have enough money. He now left 2 weeks ago and he went back to the same place as he was 1 bed flat. I do not understand him or his feelings, he seems confused with himself. And lets not forget the fact that he always looked for other girls and slept with them. He told me he does’t love so I understand he will never be attached to me. But that’s my problem, I always try to understand his acts but he doesnt make any sense to anyone! My family told me hes not for you! Well, I feel alone and insecure too! The same day he was packing to move out he told me one day one day if you want maybe we can be together! HOW ON EARTH IS THIS POSSIBLE? And now he is again rude, chatting to his girls and ignoring me. Off course I know this relationship has ended and it will be good for me. But I don’t understand. Can you please explain this behavior?

    • Petra says:

      This man doesn’t love you, but he seems to love to use you. You are unfortunately helping him with that, because you let him do whatever he wants and you always say yes to everything. If you continue to do it, he’ll continue to hurt you. He has disappointed you so many times – you’ve seen how he operates, but you still expect him to behave like a responsible adult who loves you. You think that just because he made a baby that automatically makes him a loving father and partner. That might make sense in your world and with your set of values – but he clearly does not value the same things. I do get your desire to keep him in your life for the sake of your child, but you still need to put boundaries on that relationship if you want him to stop hurting you. His actions speak much louder than his words. Just look at what he does, all your answers are there.

  144. brandon says:

    i’ve been here i still am but it doesn’t affect my good health i just day dream alot that she’ll come back

    • Petra says:

      If you want to move on, just stop the daydreaming. Whenever you catch yourself doing it, deliberately stop and divert your attention to something else. It takes effort, but it get easier over time.

  145. Elizabeth says:

    Ok, my name is Elizabeth and i know this may seem childish but i’m 16, and i fell in love about a year ago with a boy who is now 16 also. we started talking and as time passed we started dating, we went for four straight months dating with no problems, then he confessed that he wasn’t over his ex. emotionally i was hurt, i had my friends but i wanted him and only him, so a couple months passed and he came back, stupid me let him back in. but over the summer my mom took me and my family went to my grandmothers for the summer, that was a big bummer for me because i stared gaining feelings for him again, and three months away from him kinda killed me. so the summer passed and i was with him again, but things felt different, sophomore year and all of my friends kept telling me that he wasn’t worth it and i deserve better. But again, i didn’t listen. i feel so stupid. i really do. Comes his birthday, September 18th, and were perfect. were happy together finally and no one is bugging us. So September was a success. Along with October, November, and along with December. Then comes January and he spent the night new years eve. we talked about a lot and the rest of January was okay. then February, our anniversary month, and he started acting weird. he hid his phone from me and didn’t say i love you anymore. Then he went all out for V-day. i couldn’t believe it. i seriously thought he gave up on our relationship. Our date was two days before V-day and i really loved this kid. then the 20th of February he said he cheated on me with another girl. then an hour later said he didn’t want to lose me. that i was the best thing that’s ever happened to him in a long time. he said he “needed me to survive.” which was a lie. march was okay. we were at that time fwb so we weren’t together we were like close friends. i say i don’t trust him anymore and he got rid of all his social media without me asking. Then April comes and he starts acting weird. April 3rd is my birthday and he didn’t even come to my house to hang out with me on my birthday. So that was a clue. then later in the month, i find out he was talking to another girl..kinda hurt and then i found out they started dating and it completely broke my heart. the guy i loved for a straight year, has moved on to another girl and could care less about me. So, when i told his new girlfriend that he kissed me, he flipped out and body slammed me into a wall. After that, one of my old friends messaged me and asked if i was okay, we started talking for about a week and started dating. know the fact that me and this boy were close friends from the year before. anyway, my ex apparently is jealous and is bumping into me in the hallways now. i’m over him in my head, just not in my heart. what do i do… i really need to get over this boy..:(

    • Petra says:

      You will get over him, sometimes it takes time. This is all very fresh, so give it a bit of time – a few months at least. I wouldn’t recommend dating friends to get over someone or make him jealous. Think about how you’d feel if someone was dating you just as a rebound – that’s not very nice, right? Disconnect from your ex (no contact is the best way to get over someone fast), and move on with your life. You are so young, and you will change a lot as you grow into an adult. You’ll see this boy will soon be a distant memory. Trust me. Take care!

  146. rebecca says:

    hi petra, Iv been with this guy for 8 months and we got along really well, although we had a very weird relationship but i was happy,i know we both had good chemistry but he has some issues with himself, he was still figuring about work, and had a very bad childhood , parents separation , he came down to my country to live out with his dad while working with his dad as well, and now he just left back to his country for good, we ended it well , we never fought maybe minor misunderstandings thats all, but i told him i dont want any contacts so it wouldt me too hard for me except for facebook, but its only been few days without contact and i miss him alot :(, i do deep down wants him to contact me atleast to ask me how am i? i know for sure he would move on quicker than me, i know its best to let your love one free and if they come back its meant to be, and i know he would come back to my country to visit his dad.Help.

    • Petra says:

      I think you have to let some more time pass… it’s normal to miss him after just a few days. And if you told him not to contact you, then you have to tell him you changed your mind about it – otherwise how can he know? He is simply following your wishes, and probably thinking this is easier for you – because you said so. Also, if you want your relationship to have a future, you’ll have to sit and talk about how to make it happen. Are you going to date long distance while looking for a way to be together? Are you going to let it go and see how you feel after some time? You have to communicate to get what you want, get your message across, otherwise you have no control over the outcome. Don’t sit around and hope for some miracle, life isn’t a romantic movie where people spontaneously book flights and show up at someone’s door (and that person is actually home!). Communicate how you feel, and see how he responds. Then at least you know where you stand.

  147. Lisa says:

    Hurting….my ex has been on and off with me for 8 months – this time its been 2 weeks, then he starts being nice again and texting me, wanting to be friends, flirting. He said he going out on a date weekend, as soon as I sadi Ok I will go then he gets arsey and said we both have friends and thought we would be cool, was even going to suggest we have a drink, delete my number if thats how you feel. Now I dont know what that reaction means – he knows I wouldnt delete his number as even if I do I know it by heart but why tell me he going on a date and thinking I would be ok with it.
    I need to let go and move on – I know that but being middle age its so much harder, he hs been horrible at times but I just miss him so much

    • Petra says:

      You need to pay more attention to what he does, not what he says. Would you treat someone you care about the way he treats you?

      • Lisa says:

        Thanks Petra, I know I need to let go, he is still playing push me pull me,he lies about dates to hurt, said he had dumped my syutt when he hadnt. He invited me over Sunday night, said he would be abck about 9.30 and let me know. I then didnt hear a word until Monday night, after I had text him a few times, he said im out with someone now leave it, i wished me luck adn said can he sort my stuff for collection….then nothing. I so want to let him go but it hurts so much, i thought this time I had foudn the man of my dreams but he ahs changed so much, become to selfish and downright nasty at times 🙁

        • Petra says:

          He is playing, but you don’t have to accept the game. He doesn’t care – he shows it with everything he does, so don’t get dragged into it. He’s not worth it. Just rethink that idea that he’s the man of your dreams. Would the man of your dreams do that to you?

  148. jose says:

    I was the culprit of my relationship failings. We were together seven years, and we fought for most of it. My temper would get the best of me and I’d call her names punch a wall. I was an abusive piece of crap. In my mind she was always to blame. She’d leave me and a few weeks later we would reconcile and everything would be great, until my behaviors would make a rerurn. I would initiate fights because she wouldn’t kiss me like before or be intimate. The last time I went off my rocker and I’m ashamed to admit I spit on her, I know. I was arrested and served with restraining order paperwork while on county. I don’t know what it was about the paperwork but it made me realize how much off the edge I had gone. I joined anger management, I am still attending. So far it has helped open my eyes to see what kind of abuse I put her through. I was never emphatic towards her, it was always, me, me, me. The sad thing is I truly do love her. I know hard to believe after what I’ve done but I do. A big part of me wants to leave her be for good cause of how bad I was to her, but deep down I wish I could be with her and treat her the way she deserves. I honestly don’t want to get over her. She was the one, I just didn’t appreciate her.

    • Petra says:

      It’s great you became aware of your behaviour and mistakes. But you can’t repair the past. You can only do better in the future. She was there for a reason too, there was a learning there for her as well. She probably needed to learn to stand up for herself, value and love herself more. If she doesn’t want you any more – move on and just be a good man and a good partner to someone else. You can both be happy if you take away the right lessons from your failed relationship.

      • Jose says:

        I am still in love with her. I dont know how to move on. I want to be with her. I want to be a better person and show her I can change. I spoke to her and she told me she doesnt think she ever loved me, that all she felt was weak and thats why she was with me. That she felt forced. She told me she only respects me as our son’s father. Is there even a chance she may change her mind if I continue course improving myself, or has that boat already sailed? I am really in love with her but I was an idiot and took her for granted. She mentioned that if someone sparks her interest she is going for it, and that if in years she gets married, I should do the same.

        • Petra says:

          She may, she may not change her feelings. Nobody can know that, not even her. But whatever happens with her – that doesn’t mean you can’t be a good father, and a good partner – to someone else. Maybe even friends with her at some point. Why do you need to prove to her you’ve changed? If you prove it to yourself, that’s enough. If you really want to make her happy, listen to what SHE wants – and do it.

  149. lea says:

    Hi! i have a relationship for 8 months and we broke up just 2 weeks ago. i loved him, i decided to break up because he push me to. whenever we fight its because he has night outs and didn’t informed me (i will let him just as he would inform me). And just this morning i have received a facebook message from him telling me that he’s sorry because he never make me happy, and wishing me to find someone better.. he said he missed the times we hang out and laugh, he said that he still love me and want me back if ever i would want to. I dont know what to do. I have loved him the way i know, whenever i have party to attend he refuses me to go but then he will buy movie and popcorn and we’ll watch over night.. I have turned off my friends and make him my home and my everything. But i dont see any efforts from him. I think that if its not me to make way to see him, relationship will be non sense. If im not with him he will go with his friends, play basketball, and whatever. I love him, I felt that he love me too, and i like the way he makes me feel that he love me. But sometimes, i also feel like im so selfish, i dont know, i guess its unfair sometimes that i choose to be with him rather than to go with my friends because he dont want me to and yet he can do whatever he wants without informing me. Miss petra what is he up to? Thanks.

    • Petra says:

      I have no idea what he is up to, you’ll have to ask him. I would say – he is immature and selfish, and he doesn’t know any better. He likes his freedom, but doesn’t want to give the same to you. Why? Because it suits him that way, because he is afraid you’ll fall for someone else when you go out without him, because he likes things his way… who knows. The right question for you is not what he wants, but what do you want? What kind of man, what kind of relationship? If you want someone to treat you differently, you have to communicate and agree with him on that. If he refuses – then you have to find someone else who will. You are the one who sets your own standards. What you can and can’t live with. And when you know your boundaries and limits, then it’s best to choose a partner who is willing to respect them.

  150. huiyichangy says:

    Hi there!

    I have been together with my ex for about over a year. Things were perfect and everything between us was going well, but he is a Christian and I am not. Both of us do not have a problem with that of course, but his parents and church mentor has A LOT of problems with us being together. To be honest the relationship was actually really going very well, we made plans together, we go on a hunt for new places to eat etc. And one day we were going on a trek and he wanted to snap chat his friend, he accidentally placed it on mystory instead and so his mentor saw the picture and told my ex that he was very disappointed in him and talked about us many times, the mentor did not understand why he would continue dating a non believer.
    But anyway long story short the mentor convinced (after numerous attempts of ‘talking’ to my ex) him to break up with me and it is just so sudden that I don’t know what to do. Because a few days ago we were still hanging out as per usual. And now I just lost my boyfriend and best friend):

    • Petra says:

      Hi – really sorry you had to go through that experience – but unfortunately you are not alone. For a lot of people it is really hard to cope with pressure from family and society on how to live their lives. Our societies are still prejudiced in many ways, and it’s hard to choose sides – your ex loves you and wants to be with you, but he is probably too scared to lose the love of his parents. I wrote about that topic in this post: They don’t want us to be together – do read it, it will help you understand why he did it. If nothing else, this is a good learning experience for the future. Some differences are just very hard to overcome, even when love is there.

      • Lisa says:

        Hi, I know he treats me really badly.its weird as soon as I mention either of us moving on he gets nasty.today was the final straw and I have to be strong now, after him being nice for days today he said he seeing someone else, I said ok then I will walk and I get a big lecture about how it’s my fault I bought it on myself he wants to move on etc etc.i said ok what more can I say??still he replies, I said good luck.he still has some of my things and he hasn’t mentioned me getting them also I offered him jewellery back, he said no but when I mentioned what I got him he ignored it!!!i asked him straight up ibis he wants to play it as we move in sane circles civil or not and he won’t reply – I think he gets s kick out of leaving me hanging.i don’t know if he is seeing someone or if he saying that but given he was all over me 5 days ago he not being nice to get if he is.ive tried so hard t be nice about it all and not nasty bug it’s gig me nowhere but more and more hurt.if I get anymore texts or emails I need to ignore no matter his ashy they are and somehow get the strength to move on.middje age sucks

  151. Michele says:

    Hi Petra,

    Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been seeing a guy for five years and he is my first love. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he’s had a lot of issues. We met and fell in love at the end of high school, and since then he’s failed out of college and developed a drinking habit. He says he loves me but we’ve now gone through a cycle twice of things going well, going poorly, taking a break, and starting over. The cycle is about a year to six months so there’s never any progress. As things are, we’ll never move in together and we’ll never get married because he can’t stay consistent. He says that I’m the one he wants to be with and that he treats me better than anyone else in his life, but that this is the best he can do and that I have to accept it if I want to be with him. The way it is makes me so unhappy and I know that it’s not working and isn’t going to work, but it just hurts so much. I just graduated college and am going on to graduate school, so I know that I can start a new life and have many good things in my future, but I just can’t make the break. I always answer when he calls and get sucked back in, and I just don’t want to do it or feel this pain anymore. I know I need to just end it and be done with it, but I don’t know how to find the strength.

  152. loulou says:

    Hi ! sometimes people find their way into your heart and never realy leave .I loved someone for so long . When he was around me i felt pure joy. to me he is so special and I m sure he will always have his place in my heart .
    But it s self torture sometimes I hate my self for loving him so mutch without even telling him how i realy feel . the real problem is that I am convinced that i will never love someone else this much. it s crazy and it realy hurts !!

  153. Sophie says:

    Hi.

    I got really attached to that girl I met on Tumblr. We talked for a month on Skype and we were really close (we have a lot in common, love the same things etc), always saying that we’re cute, adorable etc. The more I was talking to her the more I felt in love with her… I didn’t tell her though, because I wasn’t sure of my feelings at this point, but two days ago she told me that she got a girlfriend (on internet). I pretended to be happy for her because I didn’t want to ruin her day because of my feelings but I’m honestly heartbroken. I cry every night and the first day I thought it’d go away in a day, but yesterday all my chest hurt and also my stomach and head, I wanted to cry everytime I was alone. Today I feel better physically, but I still want to cry. I took a break off Tumblr so I won’t see her posts about her new love and so I’d heal better, but it doesn’t help much. I’m also trying to be really positive and I often think “You will be fine with time”, “It’s not a big deal”, “There’s plenty of other people out there” … Since I’m still in high school I’m always with my friends so I don’t think about it and actually feel happy. But once I’m alone in my bedroom at night, I just feel sad again and I can’t stop crying. I even cried in front of my parents yesterday, how embarrassing…
    I don’t know if I should tell her how I feel, not in the hope of her going in a relationship with me but just to help myself feel a little better. I know she wouldn’t get mad at me or anything, she always cheers me up when I’m down, but I’m just so embarrassed and shy. I feel stuck, and it’s my fault because I thought she had feeling for me… I didn’t talk about it to anyone else than, well, you and my mother.

    • Petra says:

      Hi I am sorry you had to wait for my response. You are going to get over her, over time. That is a given. But I know it’s not something that can console you very much right now. Just take it day by day and try to divert your attention to other things and people around you, and you will gradually get better. Disconnecting on social media is also a good idea so you don’t get reminded of her all the time. One thing I’d like you to take away from this is: online relationships are not real. You don’t know if someone is truly into you, or vice versa – unless you meet and date in real life. Messages and chats can be very deceiving because we can all be cute and funny without really meaning any of that. We can chat with multiple people at the same time. We can promise and say things we will never have to deliver. I know you can get attached emotionally just through talking to someone, but if you want it to get real and strong you have to confirm your connection by meeting and spending time together. Just be aware of that and next time you meet a girl you like, take it into the real world and see what happens then. If you would like to go back to this girl and tell her how you feel – do it, but be prepared that she might reject you, or ignore you and that will hurt. Still, at least you will see where you stand and that’s always a good thing, helps you heal faster because you won’t be hoping and lingering for something that’s not there. Wish you all my best!

  154. Becks says:

    Petra, I’m in a situation where I ended a relationship because life seemed to get in the way. My boyfriend and I were in our own world and never fought among ourselves. I felt like I understood him and he understood me. However, everyone else (my friends and my family) seemed to be against this relationship. My friend saw that I was becoming isolated and spent all my time with him and my parents thought he was an “unfit” match (aka, they think I can find a more successful, more charming, more handsome man from a better family background) as well as a manipulator. However, I’ve always thought he was honest to me and I to him, but I might have not been too assertive or communicated my opinions/concerns to him all the time and he was sometime emotionally clingy. My parents lost trust in me due to some mistakes I made and led me to chose between either them or him. This led me to believe that a long term relationship with peace from my parents would be impossible and cause more hurt and problems in the future. My boyfriend thought we could work through it, that love would conquer all and that all relationship problems could be mended. I disagreed, since my parents can not change their way of thinking and I can not change my boyfriend, I left the relationship thinking it would be best for both of us. I did not want to break up since I am still in love with him, but I think it is the best decision at this point. I really regret it sometimes, but I also believe that having some time for us to grow on our own would be good. How do I get over someone I still have strong feelings for? My parents are giving me a hard time even for still being friends with him (they know I still text him sometimes because they check my phone) as they believe that it is now impossible for us to just be friends. My boyfriend has been respecting my decision and wants to still be friends if possible. Have you any advice?

    • Petra says:

      Hi, this is a hard choice. I don’t know if you made the right one, it sounds like your head is trying to rationalise your decision, but your heart doesn’t agree. I understand you want to please your parents and keep their love, but they do seem to be a bit too controlling. Every parent wants what’s best for their children, but that doesn’t mean they know what’s best for them. I do agree with them though – that if you want to get over your ex you’ll have to stop communicating until that happens – then you can be proper friends. You are not friends if you are in love with each other and it’s very hard to get over someone when you’re constantly in touch. However – as I said, since you actually want to date him, and he wants the same – and you both feel your connection is genuine, I wonder if you should try to talk to your parents and make them understand that what they are doing is not making you happy – which is exactly the opposite of what they want for you. If he is being good to you and treating you with love and respect, and you love him – that’s always a better match than someone with a good pedigree who you don’t care for. His background, education and current life situation doesn’t mean he will not be a good husband and partner. Background doesn’t define our success in life any more, and having financial wealth doesn’t guarantee you’ll be happy together. You are in a tough situation, but this is a perfect opportunity for you to set some boundaries and learn how to stand up for yourself and your choices. Good luck!

  155. J says:

    Hi Petra. I fell in love for the first time when I was aged 30. I had dated in the past but never really felt that spark with anyone. I was only with this guy for a few months but it became very intense. He was the one talking about settling down with me and I was the one who tried to slow it down (mainly because he had a history and had come out of divorce where his partner had cheated on him 2 years ago several months into the marriage and left him so I wanted to be sure he was ready).

    I had been away for work for 2 weeks and I noticed a sudden change in him when I came back. Some issues with his family had reared their head which he disclosed to me in detail which were very significant for him and then he suddenly shut me out in the days after that. He started talking about how scared he was, about whether his future partner would ever leave etc, etc etc- it was like he got afraid of committing. It devastated me and I didn’t react well which I regret as it just put the pressure on. He essentially didn’t give me a proper goodbye or a reason and just phased me out. He said he still cared about me but the whole thing with his family had taken its impact on him, that he was in a state and became confused for a number of reasons but struggled to tell himself why. It just didn’t make sense. He wouldn’t clarify further and wouldn’t even speak on the phone or see me. He claimed there wasn’t anyone else.

    I left him alone for a few weeks thinking he needed some time and I tried to contact him again to see if he’d meet. While he was cordial he didn’t really give me a response about meeting. So I became upset again. He then implied he had no idea things had got serious for me which devastated me. I don’t know if he was making excuses as he was the one talking about getting married, the house, the kids etc.

    I now struggle to meet anyone else as I haven’t clicked with anyone else like this before. It was a short period we were together but he really had a life changing impact on me. I still struggle to understand what changed for him so abruptly and how someone can go from wanting to do everything for you to have nothing to do with you.
    I was asked to go on a blind date recently and the thought terrified me to the point I was in tears for days as I really don’t want to be with anyone else except him- I really can’t even bear the thought of looking at another man. I don’t know how to get past this at all and its been several months since I saw him. I apologise for the long account of details in advance!

    • Petra says:

      His behaviour was really strange – almost like he is in denial and constantly running away from something. He seems to be very emotionally unstable and insecure, afraid of rejection to the point that he rejects first so he can be sure he won’t get hurt. You got so strongly attached to him because this was the first time you had such a connection with anyone, not because he is one and only for you. If you could look at him in a more objective way you’d see he is not a guy you want to get serious with. Too many problems, too much baggage, and very flaky and insecure personality. I wish I could help you more – if you’d be open for a consultation that would be a much more efficient way, and we could talk about you as well, so we can see what else might be stopping you from finding a good partner. Let me know if you’d like that – please send an email or inquiry via ‘Contact’ or ‘Work with me’ pages.

      • J says:

        I think the whole experience has only raised my own insecurities again- when I met him I felt he was way out of my league and in fact I left the first date early. He didn’t wait 24 hours contacting me and was the one that chased me.
        I’ve had a few problems with an eating disorder all my life + had a history of breast cancer. And although he would never have held this against me and I thought I was past it and wasn’t an issue when we were together, the insecurities of it has all reared it’s head.

        I know I never should have contacted him after he basically wanted space and should have respected that but because the fact he implied things weren’t so serious for him last month is what has rocked me. He must be lying to himself about this. Part of me things he is just fronting in order to seem so together and that I hadn’t affected him- he was always the one that wanted to be the ‘provider’ and seem so together in himself. He immediately closed down his dating account after we split (it was just inactive before) so I know at least he’s not dating through that. Or I might be the one lying to myself about the effect I had on him. It was only in the latter weeks when we split he revealed how much things had affected him. But I am struggling with everything- particularly physically. So although he came with baggage, so do I and I know that- and it does feel like all of us do to a certain extent. But does that mean people like that should always remain off limits- including me? I would hope someone would be able to accept me with all of that. And that’s the way I felt about him.

        • Petra says:

          We all have baggage and issues and insecurities. If waited to sort ourselves out completely before we found a partner – nobody would ever date 🙂 Feelings that come with romantic relationships are intense and often bring out those insecurities and fears to the surface. We attract partners that help us grow and often exaggerate our fears and things we don’t like about ourselves. When we fear closeness or we think we are not worthy of love we often get rejection, complicated relationships, and confused, unstable people. That’s because life is designed to give us opportunities to grow and overcome our shortcomings. What happened to you is also a reflection of how you feel about yourself – how you see yourself as a person and partner. Maybe you are unsure of how much you have to give, or if someone will love you the way you are and accept you fully – that’s why you get mixed signals. Just take your time to heal, and think about how you can love yourself more, get to a better place, accept yourself – that will help you attract better partners and more stable relationships. Take care and if you’d like me to help just get in touch.

  156. Ashley says:

    Hi Petra,
    I’ve been reading messages above and i guess explains a lot why after so long I’m still struggling to get over my ex. I haven’t accepted “he’s just not that into me.. :)”..

    My story: I was friends with guy for 3 years then we started dating. He was 14 years older than me so when we started dating hadnt really been with anyone else but he had plenty of ex history just never dated anyone for more than 2 years. We had fantastic 2 years then out of nowhere broke up with me saying he had commitment issues due to childhood abandonment which was very aware of. He said needed time to see if can try seek professional help get over this because i was 1st person he ever wanted to settle with. We got back together few months later, moved in together and I put 3 long years into helping him build up a very successful business.

    Then again all started over again, he said couldn’t commit and didnt want kids so best I move on. I tried sooo hard to move on but for the next two years I’d stop contacting him feel was starting to get over him he would get in touch and all feelings flow back. This happened over and over for 2 years where we were in touch and with each other behind closed doors, people knew was going on and he wouldn’t deny it but didnt opening say it to anyone which wasnt right.

    Then one day he starts dating someone new. This person is not looking for a commitment so guess does suit him better but after I start accepting this he breaks up with her comes back again. For the next 2 years he is back and forth between her and me and i made the VERY stupid mistake of allowing this to happen. He claims and back of mind i do believe him he has never cheated on anyone his whole life doesnt understand why he did on her but with me he still loves me so thats why this happened. I stood up for him for too long believing all he said to me about how much he still loved me but just couldn’t commit.

    About 3 months ago I just couldnt take it anyone more cornered him, slatted what he was doing to me and the other girl who knew nothing. Told him I’m NOT a cheat, if i met her I’d tell her truth if came up. I didnt want to be in his life unless its normal loving relationship. same thing he came back saying he’s find it very hard because he never loved anyone like me but just couldnt’ cope with commitment. I was so angry ie hurt I let loose ripped all he was doing to both of us apart and said last 10 years wasted on him. Said yes I’m 50% blame but I never moved on so he honestly doesnt love me if he even wants to be with someone else. he got back in touch again asking for help with computer so I clearly asked him PLEASE just leave me alone. STOP contacting me.

    I still when think of him so upset because I’m can’t let him go been trying to go on dates with other people and like lady above just hold him on pedestal believing cant find someone i will feel like this about again. I’m now 36 and don’t know how to get him out of my head after 10 years much as I’m trying, keeping busy, dating others etc.. I’m emotionally drained and trying everything move on because I am generally a very possitive person.

    • Petra says:

      He doesn’t want commitment. You want commitment. That’s the end of your story, and I am sorry it took you 10 years to realise that. We often think that it’s easier to change our partner than find a new one, but it’s never true. Also, we fool ourselves that if we get along in a lot of things and have chemistry, we’ll be able to get over the rest. But it’s really a big difference what that rest is. There are things you can and things you can’t compromise on, because it goes against every fiber of your being, which you unfortunately had to learn the hard way. You couldn’t change him, then you tried to accept his ways – and found out you can’t do that either. You still love him for all that he is, but you’ll have to get over yourself. We can love some people dearly, but that doesn’t always mean we can date them. You can stay friends and keep him in your life if you wish (once you’re over him). He is not the one for you, because you’ll never be happy with him. That doesn’t mean you won’t be happy with someone else, but you have to move away from that idea “he’s the only one” to give yourself a chance to be happy with someone new. Until you do that, all the men you’re meeting will be the wrong ones. If you’d like to talk about this more, do contact me for a consultation.

  157. honoringlove says:

    Hi Petra,

    I have found your advice incredibly useful. I am struggling with wanting what is best for myself.

    I was in a relationship that was filled with a large amount of love and respect. We met on vacation, dated long distance for a year, I then moved to his country while he got his visa sorted and then we started a life together in the states. He moved to a place he had never even been before because it’s what I wanted. He did everything he could to be together, as did I.

    We were in love but I was lonely. I missed my family and I had no friends. He warned me that he thought it wasn’t best if we moved to a place that we both had no support but I’m hard headed. Fast forward- I became a bit insecure and needy and he became closed off. I wanted to connect and he wanted me to trust him. I think it was my own self worth that played a part. No matter what he did, I just always thought he wasn’t happy. I drove him away…

    We spilt up, I moved out and instead of giving him room to think about it I was constantly reaching out. Once again, insecure I lost him. I think if I was more secure I would have realized it’s important to respect that space.If I trusted the love we shared I would have known we would reunite. Later after almost 7 months he came back and wanted to work things out. It was out of the blue and honestly- he was telling me up until he changed his mind it was completely over. When we started trying things out again I was hurt. I was bitter that he gave up the first time, I felt that he had taken me for granted. I felt betrayed. I couldn’t get past those feelings and we ended up not working things out.

    I don’t think we ever split up because we stopped loving each other. In fact, I know that. We split up because I was insecure and didn’t trust his love for me and he shut down. He always stated that I gave him no choice but to leave. (which now I see but before I thought if he loved me he would try and make it work). We both have moved on and honestly, I have met a fantastic man that I love. Who meets my needs and is loving and compassionate. Who is present and mindful… With all of that said, I still think about what once was. We exchange emails every now and then and he has moved on and is happy. I find myself reading into the fact that he always responds (Typically I reach out, not always). Equally, I left the door open for a very very long time and he has never walked back in.

    I find it hard to forget these people that played massive roles in your life. Although heartbroken from the events, I really respect him. I just can’t act like he didn’t shape me in some beautiful way. Also, through the pain I have learned some valuable lessons. Especially with controlling emotions (you don’t always have to react) and respecting others. I want to be realistic- I know I truly cared and loved this person but I also know rejection and failure hurts. I know if it was meant to be it would be. I know thats what everyone says.

    I find the what if’s taking away for the beautiful relationship I have been blessed with. It’s not across the oceans and intense as what was, but its loving and kind and I feel like I have a partner that will always be there. I want to value what I have and still honor what I lost. Do you have any advice?

    • Petra says:

      Hm, you say you are dating a fantastic man that you love – why are you so torn about your ex then? I am sorry I just don’t understand your dilemma. Yes, your relationship was burdened with many things, and there were ups and downs and crises – but it all ended well. You’ve both moved on. So what’s there to regret? I can see how the idea to move to a country where you’re both foreigners put a strain on your still fresh and developing relationship, but other than that – you had a relationship that worked for a while and has fizzled out because of many things (not just your insecurity), – but you’ve learned a lot from it and now you are older, smarter and you have a new man. Well done girl! Sometimes we regret and look back because we feel we messed up something – and if only we knew better, we’d still be with that person. But life doesn’t work that way. You mess up because you don’t know any better. Because you are immature and you don’t have much life and relationship experience. You can’t go back to fix it. You can only fix it going forward – in your next relationship, which seems you’ve already done. So please stop questioning yourself – you got the best possible outcome. A new love that you built on much better foundation than the one you left behind. You had a beautiful relationship that ran its course, but helped you to grow and mature as a person and a partner – and that’s exactly what it was meant to be. Now you can leave it be and keep it in your heart as a beautiful memory.

  158. Linda says:

    Hi,
    I met a man when I was 18 yrs. old. He was ten years older than me. I was married with a baby. We had instant attraction to each other. Long story short we were friends for six years and then it happened. I was tired of my dead end marriage and I began an affair with this guy. It only lasted about a year then he went his way. I saw him four years later after he had moved away, only spent a weekend together I was in a new relationship of a month or so when we met up again. Twenty years later I had found him on Facebook and he was married as well, both had moved originally from where we had initially met. We began chatting intermittently and then the question arouse about our happiness in our current marriages. We were both discontent, needless to say we kept chatting, then talking on the phone, texting more often. He was able to get away for schooling and needless to say I drove six hours to meet up with him while my husband was out of town working. It was crazy, exciting and comfortable when we laid eyes on each other again. We have carried out our long distance affair for almost three years now. I’m currently divorcing as well as he now, finally! He has kind of gotten a little bit cool the past few months and blames it on his contested divorce situation and how she has betrayed him with all this after it was initially being mutual with the settlement, now she’s going after everything. He was being more than fair with paying all the bills while he is out of state working and now he’s mad at the world. It had been almost seven months since I had seen him so I insisted on flying out to see him in person to see what was going on and re-connect. He was happy to see me however it felt different. He was withdrawn and sometimes distant from me. I’m pretty certain he is not seeing anyone else. I understand he is going through a rough time, but it’s like he fell off the face of the earth! He’s not even the same person. I had given up a lot to be with him and it really seemed mutual between us, now I don’t know. I’ve been slowly suffering the heartbreak about him. It’s not over, but it’s not like it was. Am I just kidding myself or should I give him time and space to get over his situation or is it, if he really wants me this shouldn’t be an issue no matter how hard his divorce is? I’m really confused and heart is half broken on it’s way to full in time. :’-(

    • Petra says:

      You have invested a lot in this relationship. There is never any sure outcomes in life, but I’d give it some more time and effort otherwise you’ll always be wondering “what if…” like you did all those years. I think you need to get to the end of waiting and wondering what might have been. Now you’re there, it’s real life – not a sweet escape from your boring dead marriages. You might find out the ideal man you’ve been dreaming of all those years and your exciting forbidden love will turn into something normal and boring when it becomes official. But that’s life. The only way we can keep our relationships alive and thriving is constant focus and investment… otherwise even the most magical romance turns to a frustrating loveless co-existance. I believe you still have a chance and this is a great opportunity for you to step up, be there for him, get closer, get real and help him through his tough time. If you can be close in crises that’s the real comfirmation of the strength of your connection. And a real test if what you’ve imagined all these years is actually there or not.

  159. Brittany says:

    Hi. A few months ago I met a man through mutual friends. He asked me out, I said no… Eventually I went out with him and we hit it off. I’m 35 and he is 45. I thought for sure this is it. We made plans to do a lot of things. Spent at least 4 nights a week together. We are both financially stable. Never argued about anything. This week we were together like every other week and then the following night after him going home I received a break up text. I couldn’t believe it. What 45 year old man sends a text to break up with someone? Mind you we love 5 minutes from each other. The text read… I don’t want to date anymore. You are the marrying kind and I am not. What does that mean? I never insinuated that I had any interest in getting married. The next part of the text discussed my smoking being a big issue for him. He never mentioned it before. I do smoke but outside and not in vehicles. He said his clothes smell like smoke etc. I can buy this. Smoking is nasty and him being a non smoker I understand. He said it’s just not working for me. If you want to remain friends we can and if you don’t I understand. He also said something about me being a great girl and I will find someone to make me happy. Ha! I don’t need a man to make me happy. I was content being alone and will be again. I responded the next day and asked if I could stop by after work to talk and he said not tonight. He didn’t feel like it and probably wouldn’t be home anyway. I’m so confused at what brought this on. I’m not sure if all of our time together he was just being fake or if something suddenly changed in him. We had a long weekend planned starting on Friday and I received the break up text the Thursday night before. Here it is Saturday and I haven’t heard another word from him. I’m wondering if he met someone else and wanted to take her to the weekend festivities instead. Who knows. I’ll be okay. A month from now I’m sure I’ll feel a ton better. More or less I just wonder what happened, what changed so fast. We live in a very small town so I will run into him on an almost daily basis unless I go out of my way to avoid seeing him. This stinks. I’m bummed and heart broken.

    • Petra says:

      That really stinks. In multiple ways. I am sorry you had to go through this experience, but as any – it’s a learning one too. I can’t help but wonder if there were red flags before that you overlooked. It does seem it was going too well to end this way. His behaviour is very immature and so bad that it can’t be justified by any excuse. He should have talked to you in person, no matter what he had to say. This is an act of a scared and confused teenage boy, not a grown up man. I know you’re hurt and confused but you will get better and once your heart heals you’ll see why you’re better off without him. If you’d like to get some more clarity right now, we can explore together over a consultation.

  160. Gabrielle says:

    Hello Petra,

    I would love your opinion because I am plagued by heart break and my family and friends don’t want to hear it anymore.

    Okay so I will give you a fast-fowarded story but me and my ex started dating at 19 I was a sophomore at our college he was a freshman we had a mutual friend that introduced us and I just fell for him like no one I have ever met. We started to date maybe like a month after we met. We had our ups and downs he treated me like a princess and be so kind and loving to me but he would also do things behind my back and lie to me. He even kind of cheated one time. But I would always forgive him cause I loved him so much. Any way we knew the year I graduated would be so difficult cause of the distance him at school and me working. I must say I loved the time I spent with him and would always have so much fun with him. We were each other’s first bf and gf and first loves. But in September one night we were texting and he just stopped answering me and the next day he told me he was sleeping but I saw online pictures of him out at a bar with a bunch of girls he blantly lied to me about going out for no reason . I felt like I couldn’t trust him so I broke up with him. We dated almost 3 years. At first I felt so good about the break up like i finally got him out of my life. I kind of even pushed him away. My mom got sick and I was going through a lot but I did keep him informed. I was hooking up and taking to other guys. So then one day my mom showed me pictures of him with another girl and it abosoulutely devestated me I asked about her and he said they were just talking. I told him I was shocked and missss him I guess this point was too late. He told me on my birthday basically that they started dating. This was may 4th and now I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life letting him go. I have been going on dates and hooking up with guys but all I ever think about is him and it makes me miss him and the sex doesn’t compare to while with him. I have been so heart broken crying so much so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed and clean my room . I miss him so much I feel like I ruined the best relationship I ever had by pushing him away. He graduated know it destroyed me seeing the pictures of graduation and a dance and seeing him put in a relationship on social media and saying he loves her so much and get so many likes. How can he fall in love so quickly with someone else I don’t think 8 months is a long enough time. Anway I am so depressed I force myself to see other guys and it makes me empty and miss him more. I try not to think about him but then my mind will just make me think about him. How do I get past this ? Should I try to get him back? I don’t want to settle with someone I am not emotionally and physically satisfied by. Please tell me how you think I should proceed.

    • Petra says:

      If you really want to get over him stop following him on social media. That serves no purpose but reminds you of him constantly and makes you jealous. It will be much easier to move on if you disconnect. But it will take time, so give it time. You don’t have to date guys you don’t like, be single a bit, have some fun with friends or family, there is so many more things you can pursue and do other than chase boys. When your heart heals you will be ready to meet someone special again, now you compare everyone with him and your main reason to find someone is to get even with him, prove to him you can do it too – and that’s not the right reason. That’s why you keep meeting wrong guys. You were fine with the breakup until you saw him dating other girls. So it’s ok when you do it as long as he stays single and doesn’t move on. That is selfish and immature. Did you ever stop and think how he felt when you left him and immediately started dating other guys? He was hurt too but he accepted it, and moved on with his life. Maybe he is getting back at you with public display of his new love – but even if he is, you don’t have to watch it and torture yourself over it. You broke up because it didn’t work any more. There were a lot of things you didn’t like about your relationship, and that’s why you ended it. Now you need to start looking forward – even if you won him back you’d probably soon regret it as you’d get reminded of why you broke up in the first place. So – take it easy, focus on yourself not him, take a break from compulsive dating and life will work its magic. You’ll be over him and glad about it before you know it. Take care.

  161. Randy says:

    i loved this girl to death, im seventeen and i wanted to be with her so bad but i kept pushing her away… see i didnt understand that she would just be another girl if i didnt put up my fair share of work, and now… shes gone, i didnt show her the love i shouldve i didnt treat her right, for ten months it was terrible for her and up until just two weeks ago when she broke up with me i realized i did want her, that i do love her. i love her to death and honestly if she asked me out again while i was with someone else id dump the other person, its selfish but i cant do anything without her and i realize that i have to let her go… and its so heartbreaking cause im trying so hard right now, im trying so hard to win her back but shes so coldhearted now and i never thought id lose her and i just regret it so much now, i regret being so stupid cause if i hadnt been so dumb, then maybe she would be here right now. so please… i beg all of you… please believe in me… please give me the strength cause i love her to death and im never going to hurt her ever again if she takes me back but please help me, if you can pray, please do it, if you can wish me luck please do it cause i love her so much, that im losing my mind here…

    • Petra says:

      I am really sorry you’ve only realised your mistakes once you lost her – but, that’s life. Often we don’t know what we have until we lose it. However, regret will not take you far. If she doesn’t want you – suck it up, and learn to be a better boyfriend next time. Trust me, there will be other girls who’ll want you to love and respect and treat them nicely, and they will be worth it. This one is maybe your first love – but certainly not your last.

  162. Tina says:

    Hi Petra, I read your post and find your strength and wisdom very inspiring. I would like your advice on my situation. To cut the story short, I met s guy while travelling and we immediately hit it off. We only spent a day together but kept in touch via Facebook and have been chatting with each other every day on messenger. When we met he had just come out of a long term relationship. After 6 months of messaging I decided to tell him how I felt. He told me he had developed feelings for me too but was not ready to commit to s serious relationship and especially a long distance one (we live in different countries). I planned to visit him and booked my tickets and so I told him we could just continue getting to know each other and see how things go, which he seemed to be fine with. Things between us were normal, still messaging each day. However about 6 weeks later he told me he met someone and wants to see how things go. Firstly, I don’t know what changed his mind and secondly I don’t know how to move on because I have such strong feelings for him and thirdly I have this trip that I planned to see visit him. It’s been so hard not to contact him and I know I should not be chasing after guys that chooses someone else over me, but I feel so heartbroken and I don’t know how to move on. Please help

    • Petra says:

      Long distance is tough. It’s not impossible, but takes a lot of effort, commitment, dedication – and a strong bond to begin with. You’ve only spent a day together, and even though you both wanted to stay together, and kept in touch constantly – it just wasn’t enough. The fact he was fresh out of a long relationship might have played a part too, but I think it’s mostly just the fact you could not be together for real. We all need physical closeness with our partners, not just in a sexual way – but we need to share things in the real world – have experiences together, spend time, be involved in each other’s daily lives – and no matter how much we chat and share online, it’s not the same thing. Unfortunately, that’s the reality. You were leading separate lives, and that’s what made your connection much weaker than it would be if you could actually be together – so it was only a matter of time before one of you met someone who could fulfill that need. And it was him. I know you’ve invested much, and you probably didn’t look around for other boys – but seems he did. Doesn’t mean he didn’t love you, but life got in the way. The one thing I’d like you to please take away from this is – you are capable of love, you can love deeply, you can find that connection – you can even find it long distance, so that means you will be able find it close to you as well. You have it in you, so – just trust it will happen again. And if you happen to fall for someone long-distance again, just lower your expectations and try to take it day by day – because it’s just much more likely it will break than a short-distance relationship. When we date that way we either need to quickly look for ways to unite in the same place, or take it more casually. I know it’s hard to make such big decisions like moving your life – when you don’t really know if it will work with someone – but then you have to work out a way to see each other as much as possible (I’d say at least once a month) to figure out if it’s worth it. Otherwise you easily grow apart. I did write a post on this topic too – here it is: Long distance dating: pros and cons

  163. kate says:

    I’ve liked one guy for two years. I’ve always wanted to be with him. I can’t imagine not ever having the chance to be with him, if even for a short amount of time. I just need him. We’ve never dated, but I’ve fallen in love with him. We don’t talk much, mostly because he never replies to my texts or calls me back. We only see each other once at school. He’s a year older than me so I won’t see him next year. I was just talking to him and he’s moving. Out of the state. I’ve been crying for the past two hours, not knowing what I’m going to do. I’m so upset. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow because I don’t know if I can handle seeing him without crying. I have finals tomorrow and I know they’re not going to turn out the best because all I can think about is him. I just don’t know what to do. All I can do is cry. I’ve talked to my friend about it. He’s gay and is upset because the guy he likes he knows he doesn’t have a chance with him. We’re both really upset, but he’s no where near upset as me. My other friend said that I have it really bad with him and she’s never seen me this depressed. I don’t know what to do. There’s three days left of school. Three days left for me to see him and I can’t take it. I feel like I’m dying. I can’t stand the thought of not seeing him again.

    • Petra says:

      Oh dear, you are so young. You will get over him. I know it’s not a very consoling thought right now, but – you will forget about him. Summer is long, and there are other boys around. Look for one who has eyes for you, or someone you can get to know and love for real, not the guy you can only admire from afar. Getting to know boys around you and finding out you like who they are, how they behave, how they make you laugh – that is so much better than living in a fantasy love in your head. This boy only lasted so long in your heart because you never got a chance to know him better, then he’d soon become ordinary, normal, and you’d see he is not so perfect as you imagine him to be. I know it’s tough when you’re young and in love, and you have no experience in relationships – it’s easy to get carried away with feelings that are just in your head. I fell in love with a bunch of guys when I was your age, cried my eyes out for them, suffered because they never returned my feelings and here I am now – happily married. One of the guys I loved was a pop star. Oh the things I imagined him to be just based on the lyrics of his songs. I felt like I knew him, understood him completely. One day I found out he was gay. My dreams and fantasies of him were crushed. But what a great eye-opener! Take care, things will get better. Promise.

  164. james says:

    great article I have just recently broke up with my girlfriend who I truly loved, I ended it because she basically said she was no longer happy and I didn’t want to cling on to her, but then after a few days she said she wanted to meet so I did and she said she feels she may of made a mistake and it was that shes always felt she needed someone and for the first time with me she felt she didn’t and she said she wants to show herself she can be happy on her own and then try again after? am I wasting my time waiting, is she just to scared to break all ties? thanks x

    • Petra says:

      She does seem confused. I’d just let her figure it out. Do you need to disconnect – it’s up to you really, what feels best. If it hurts you too much to get reminded of her, then do. That will help you get over her faster – but no matter what you do, your behaviour probably won’t influence her decision. She’ll come back if she wants to, not because you want her to. Having said that, if you do get back together – talk about this more, and get clear on what she feels, so you can adjust your expectations. She needs to be with you for the right reasons, and you need to know where you stand. You want to be with someone who is sure they love you and want you in their life.

  165. Lea says:

    Hi Petra, I go straight. My boyfriend got a provincial job for 6 months, the process hit him very quick, like, after he pass his application, his plane ticket is ready in three days. He is angry with me because last weekend i go on a vacay for three days and the island has no cellular signal so i wasnt able to contact him including my colleagues. Today was his last day here and i have an important meeting later, also, he’s going to their office to get the ticket, so i dont think we have a chance to see each other, He’s telling me that he’s not important to me, he said im so busy and have no time for him. I only have later when i got home like 4-6hours to spend with him. I dont know how to balance my time. I love him but i have my job, he can’t understand that. he seems so childish now. it irritates me. what should i do? i know he loves me thats why i trust him that even he’s far from me he wont do anything, he’s worried that i may have found someone new (he is really initiating that, he always) so im thinking that maybe he has plans to get someone because he keeps on pushing me away. judge me and he’s very suspicious to me, though am not doing anything. haayyyy. he’s getting on my nerves.

    • Petra says:

      Talk, communicate, explain yourself, ask him how he feels and why. Don’t attack, just listen and try to understand. Assure him you love him but you need your job. Sometimes we can’t rearrange our lives on a whim, but if you love him he should understand you’re not doing things to avoid him. You can always make up for that time later – so plan your future encounters instead of blaming each other for not caring enough. Seems there is a lot of insecurity in both you and him, so you need to communicate better to get clear about how you both feel. Don’t assume – get clear, it will make you both feel better. Especially now when you’ll be apart for a while, you need to agree how that will go – how much you can see each other, how often you want to communicate, what you expect will happen during that time, what is acceptable and what’s not, so there is no misunderstandings. The more you are open and honest with each other, the better and stronger your relationship will be.

      • Lea says:

        So, we broke up. Petra :((( its killing me. I dont know. He uploaded pictures and at first its fine with me. I mean, there is this one girl who always seating next to him. I dont get jealous at first uploaded pictures, and the next day.. But this time, it seems like they always besides each other. So when he called me. I ask him about the girl. And he said, its nothing. Im jealous so I releases anything.. All bad words and hurtful words i could possibly say came out. Then we broke up, And I feel like, he just proved to me that there is something between him and her because he stops communicating with me. Its hurting 🙁

  166. Bryce says:

    So I met this girl while I was out with my friends and we immediatly hit it off. I asked her out on a date/hangout the next day because I wanted to take a risk and I just immediatly fell for her. She said yes and we spent the next few days txting before we hung out. We hung out and things went awsome. We walked by the river and talked and had an amazing time. Then we watched a movie together and we didnt pay attention cause we were constantly talking. Then we went out to dinner with some of her friends that even went amazing. So I told her goodbye for the night and was a complete gentleman. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. We agreed to see each other the next day. So we went out for drinks and I wanted to take it slow. She however was really into me and as we are drinking she kisses me and ive kissed alot of girls but to me there were fireworks. This felt right. After that I played it cool but ended up getting pretty drunk. She wanted to watch a movie at my place again. Now im quite nieve so I was like yeah sure. Well she wanted to have sex so I get back and shes all over me and I wanted to take it slow like I said but when a gorgeous girl who likes you alot wants to do it you dont say no. So we do and it was amazing. Also the first sex ive had in six years and im 24. It was like magic to me and she was really into it. We kept hanging out and doing fun things together for about a week straight and sometime in that week I fell in love with her. I know its sudden but I did and couldnt help it. She was calling me her bf and everything it was the happiest 2 weeks of my life!!! Then she decided she wasnt into it anymore. I mean she had just recently broken up just a little over a month ago with a serious bf and she had promised I wasnt a rebound But now im thinking I was. Cause she left me. Im a super nice guy and ive never been mean to her or anything. Now its been 3 weeks and I cant get over her. All I think about is her and I make excuses to talk to her hoping shell find me funny and sexy again and come back but I think shes content on playing the field as a single girl. I live in an area where there are hardly any available women and the ones that are have so many options its impossible. I have no real friends to talk to because they are all in relationships for long term and cant remember what its like to have a broken heart plus they are so into their significant other they dont make time for me. Ive been crying alot lately and I just want to be over this girl so I can be content and happy with being alone again for awhile. Please help any advice or techniques would be appreciated.

    • Petra says:

      Disconnecting from her will help you get over her faster (don’t follow her on social media and don’t contact her). Organise your life so you don’t get reminded of her. Time is the best healer, unfortunately – so you’ll have to give it time – but you can speed up the process by just moving on with your life in a way that keeps you more occupied with other people and things that you enjoy. You fell in love pretty hard, and it was the first time in a long time – so it’s no wonder you hurt so much. You expected a lot, you got carried away fast – and then it all disappeared over night. And she wasn’t playing nicely. She used you to get over her ex, and when she realised it’s not happening – she dumped you. That tells you she is insecure and immature. Try to see things in a more realistic perspective – she might be great fun, but she’s missing qualities that you need in a partner to be happy. Seeing things in a more objective way will help you fall out of love and see why she wasn’t the right person for you. When you get better, you’ll see it was all good for you. And you’ll be wiser next time. That’s the beauty of failed relationships, we learn to choose better next time.

  167. Gioe says:

    Hey everyone, I just came across this site and feel like I could really do with some advice and just general conversation right now.

    My partner and I have been together for over 3 years now and although it is far from the perfect relationship I have always loved her unconditionally. This year we have had a long distance relationship as we have both had to study abroad for a year and it has seemed to make things hard. Since last summer she ignores me everytime she gets angry or upset, usually I would drive to her house, cheer her up and we’d sort it out. At christmas she stopped talking to me and after a week she messaged me saing she didn’t love me in that way and that we should break up. I asked her to finalise everything as I couldn’t and she asked to meet and told me she did still want to be with me. Now this is happening again but literally nothing has happened to trigger this. I am really stressed atm as I am in exam period in a foreign speaking country and I already suffer from anxiety and depression so right now I’m a mess and thinking maybe this triggered her abandoning me again? She has been kind of distant for a while and we haven’t had sex since our anniversary a few months ago, we usually meet up at least once a month.I don’t particularly care about sex it’s just I wanted to feel close to her. She put it down to lack of self confidence and her feeling depressed about things outside of our relationship. I know that it’s most likely over between us now and tbh I don’t know if I can take any more of this up and down hot and cold behaviour. But I love her so much and missing her makes me physically ache. I am going to try and have an active summer to help myself but we have to live together in a house of 6 students next year and I don’t know how that’s going to work. I know there will be other people, there were before her, it’s just I know she isn’t perfect, I see all her flaws but I still love her so much. I could really benefit from some advice on not feeling so depressed, I’m literally not funcitoning and just sitting in my room drinking beer and trying to revise. Is it possible I’ll never get over her? 3 years at my age is a relatively long time and it seems like mission impossible right now. This has been going on a week

    • Petra says:

      It’s not possible you’ll never get over her. Just to make that clear. You will get over her. But I know it’s tough right now. Seems like you are both stressed out because of your exams. Why not get to the other side of that, and then sit and talk and see what you both want. Just clear the air and be as honest and open as you can. Listen to her. Tell her how you feel and what you want. See what she wants. If she doesn’t want to give it another go – then you’ll think about what’s next for you. It’s summer now and you’ll be reunited again soon in the same place – so if you stay together it will be easier. Long-distance is hard to maintain. If you do break up, I’d say it would be better if you are not living together in the same house. It will be painful as long as you are still in love with her – and being so close will make it harder to get over her.

  168. Monica says:

    Hello Petra, I find it AWESOME that you actually take the time to answer everybody that has posted something on here. I am currently in denial as your article says. You are right. I do not want to accept that my relationship is over and that is why I have not been able to move on even though it has been 4 months after my break up. I have my life together, just need to accept the truth. Thanks for your kind words of expertise. I have decided to take the bull by the horns and accept the truth no matter how much it hurts and move on! Challenge accepted. I will write to you in 3 months! 🙂

    • Petra says:

      Thank you for your lovely comment. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and looking forward to the update 🙂 Take care!

  169. Sad girl says:

    Petra,

    4 days ago my bf of 3 years broke up with me out of nowhere. We were together while he was in law school. I lived in NY he went to school in Florida. I helped him out both emotionally and also financially. We talked everyday, texted all day. We knew each other since we were kids since we are from the same hometown. When him and I started dating seriously I was going through a divorce. I had been married 3 years to an abusive man. My bf was a sigh of relief. He helped me through the hardest times. He was my best friend. We liked the same things we hardly argued. We always had a good time together. When he graduated law school he moved to where I lived. He had nothing. I took care of him, made his life easy while he studied for the bar and financially helped him all because he promised me we would spend the rest of our lives together. I wrote his resumes, drove him to interviews. I did everything. Then once he passed and months later found a job 2 hours away in our hometown things started to change. We switched weekends. So one weekend I went to see him and the next weekend he came up to see me. We kept this schedule the entire time until he dumped me. In the beginning after he moved, for the first two months everything was great. He was finally working. Things got a little easier financially. Then he started to change. I noticed him getting a little more distant. When he was completely dependent upon me he would talk about our future, getting married. Then once he was a lawyer, got a job he started saying he would need more time before he could get married. He wanted to scale things back. He stopped talking so much about the future. Now a week ago we were on vacation and had a great time. He told me how he wanted to have children, get married. When we got back everything was fine. Then the first weekend back he went to see his friend (his friend is a cheater, womanizer) and we talked up until the point of him getting there. Then it went south. He only texted me a few times that weekend and only when I initiated it. I knew something was up. They went out to bars, clubbing and he never contacted me once. I called him out on it. he said hed call me. Finally after not speaking to him since Friday, he called me on Tuesday and told me he just can’t do it anymore. After 3 years and two months before my divorce is final (my divorce has taken 3.5 years) and two weeks before he finally moved into his own apartment which we were both looking forward to. I’m sad cause he was my best friend someone I talked to everyday all day for 3 years and shared my most intimate secrets with. We had plans for the future, after the “hard” times. He always said one day we will look at this and laugh and that we will have a great life together. I can’t help but feel used. Now that he has his career and I’m in debt over him he just walked away and discarded me. I even found out last year he cheated on me many times while he was in law school and I forgave him. I chalked it up to the distance. He cried, begged me back and promised to never hurt me. Then out of the blue he does this. Breaks up with me over the phone after all I’ve done for him. I was so loyal.
    How do I move on? How could he just discard me like that? I miss his company. I’m 30 and haven’t been single for 9 years between my ex husband and my bf. I’m scared I’m never going to have that companionship with someone else. That best friend relationship. We had everything in common. But I know he had flaws and ultimately I know the breakup is for the best. It’s been 3 days, I can’t sleep. All I think about is the relationship and playing everything over and over again in my head. I regret the money I spent on him and taking him back after his cheating. What can I do?

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know when it went wrong, but it must have been much earlier than that last weekend, and you didn’t notice (or you chose to ignore) the issues in your relationship. You mention he cheated on you many times almost in passing – like it didn’t matter. But I am sure it did, and distance is only an excuse you told yourself to feel better about it, but haven’t really made peace with it. You were loyal, you did everything for him – and he cheated, and discarded you. You count all the ways you were good to him, and how you helped him. It’s understandable you feel he took advantage of you and wasn’t grateful for all your love and care – but when you love someone you shouldn’t be counting. And if you felt like you always did more for him than he did for you, then this was not a happy union. So your problems were much more than what you try to pin it on (distance, his studies/job situation). You came out of an abusive and immediately found someone new. That was probably too soon, because you didn’t have time to reflect on what happened in your marriage, and why you attracted an abusive person. That might be the reason why you attracted someone who again treated you without respect. It just feels to me you are still not being honest with yourself, and sugarcoating your last relationship and partner. That’s why you can’t understand why he left. I know you are scared of being on your own after so long – but that is probably the best thing for you now. Think about why you attract men that treat you badly and use you. What do you want in your life and your relationship? What is it that you missed so far? Why do you have such a need to give even when you don’t get much back? And don’t be afraid you won’t find love. It’s not too late, but you need to do the inner work first, otherwise your next guy will again be Mr Wrong.

      • Kiyannah says:

        Hi Petra,

        I just wanted to say that two weeks after writing this email my ex started emailing me and calling me again. He started telling me how much he missed me and loved me. He then turned it around in me and said I couldn’t just throw away 16 years, he can’t go a day without talking to me. He even wished me a Happy Anniversary which was July 1st. I have not answered any of his calls or emails since the day we broke up. I know I needed space and I did not want to be tempted to get back together with him and repeat the patten. Last week he had flowers delivered to my home with a message that he loved me and missed me and wanted to talk. At this point I blocked him from being able to call my phone. I couldn’t take it any longer. The thing I have noticed is he never once said sorry. In any of the emails or voicemails. Instead he puts the onus on me when he is the one that dumped me! Petra I miss him a lot. Ive been strong! He just emailed me again yesterday. At what point will I be over him. I keep reading about people who broke up for a little while, then gave it another chance and now they are happily ever after. How do you know when it’s appropriate to give someone a 2, 3, or 4th chance? At the risk of sounding stupid, I just want an objective opinion. Do I keep doing no contact, do I agree to talk with him? I’m confused. My previous post has the details of our relationship.

        Thank you for your time.

        • Petra says:

          I don’t know if there is another chance for you two. You’ll have to find that out with him. If you want to try again, talk to him. But first think about what you want from this second try: what needs to change for you to be happy. If you want his apology, tell him that. Being honest and straightforward is your best chance to put your relationship on stronger ground. If you just get together without talking about why it went wrong in the first place, it will soon be over again. He is missing you now and regretting his decision but that doesn’t mean he is ready to work on things and himself. So make sure he is before you get back to him otherwise you’re setting yourself up for more of the same. Be brave, you have nothing to lose – if he’s not good for you, better find that out sooner rather than later. All my best!

  170. Pat says:

    Good Morning,

    Like everyone here I am going through similar heartache myself. About 2 1/2 years ago i started talking to this girl and we really hit it off. The feelings were really confusing at first because I am also a girl and never had attraction towards another girl before. I lost someone in my family and this person was always there for me (when she barely even knew me) and after a couple months of hanging out we decided to take it to another level. But the catch was, both of us didn’t want to tell anyone we were dating. Everyone, my friends and family, thought we were just friends. She goes away for two months out of the summer for work and told me that she wouldn’t really be able to talk all the time and i was okay with it. Turns out she talked to me every night and even came home every couple of weeks to be with me. We were really in love so i thought. We kept on with a secret relationship for about a year and half (we did tell a selected group of friends but it was basically a huge secret). And it came time for her to leave again for the summer. I thought everything was okay but i randomly get this text that she can’t do this anymore and the secret is adding too much stress to her life. I was devastated and wasn’t sure what to do. I ended up coming clean about the relationship with my parents and friends because I couldn’t keep it to myself without exploding. Everyone was so understanding that i realized it wasn’t so scary after all to tell everyone of this relationship. I thought I could move on but it was hard because she often contacted me or drunk dialed me. I knew the love was still there so i didn’t want to let go. And i thought i could convince her to tell her friends and family too, because i felt some much relief after telling. After the summer we ended up getting back together, despite what everyone told me.

    Now it is the time again for her to go away and we are both already have feelings that it is not going to work. She doesn’t want to tell anyone but claims she loves me so much. I just want to know how to let go when I really don’t want too. 🙁 Is love sometimes just not enough?

    • Petra says:

      Sometimes, unfortunately it isn’t. Please read this blog it will help you understand why. If she really struggles so much with telling her parents about you – try to find out why, talk, communicate – see how you can help her. She’s obviously torn between being loyal to you and her family, and it might help to explore why that is so. Other than that I don’t know if you can do much, it is her decision after all. All you can do is be there for her and love her, but you’ll have to let her do what she feels is best for her. If she’s risking to lose the love of her parents then it is a big decision for her.

      • Pat says:

        Thank you that was very insightful article. It’s just sad that she doesn’t want to talk to me and she thinks the best alternative is to end and honestly I’m tired of fighting for it.

  171. Devasted says:

    I fell in love with the most amazing person 4 years ago. We were separated by the entire country when we met and decided after a few months of talking for hours every night on the phone and taking cross-country trips to see each other, to pick a new city to live in and move in together. The first year was amazing and he loved me more than I thought someone ever could. He struggled for a whole year to find a job in this new city that actually put his newly-earned masters degree to use, so when he found himself with a great opportunity somewhere else, he asked if I would come with and that he would take care of me. And so, we picked up and started on another adventure together. I would up finding a job within the first month and things were just peachy as we explored the new city. After about a month, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. He gave me his grandmothers diamonds and wanted to have a ring made with it. I selfishly got really wrapped up in the idea of an engagement that when we went to a jeweler, I came out of there with a huge diamond and a custom band that I know was way more than he intended to spend, and didn’t even use the diamonds he proposed with.

    Anyways, the next year I was on cloud 9, but what I didn’t realize was that my bliss came at the expense of his. I learned after the fact that he felt like I changed. That it was no longer about his feelings too, but only how he made me feel. We started having some small arguments over me needing more “attention” and I started to get jealous when he’d hang out with coworkers for happy hour. I basically became dependent on him in this new city. The company I worked for only employed a few people and they were all 7 or 8 years younger than me. I really made no new friends to have a life of my own. This put a strain on our relationship bc I began to develop into a needy person. We still very much enjoyed our time together, but after time, he suggested that maybe getting engaged was a mistake. That it was too soon and that it changed everything for the worse. I’m sure any girl in my situation would be just as hurt as I was, so that definitely became an “issue” in our relationship that I just couldn’t get past. We kept trying to put band-aids on our issues like him taking me to paris for my birthday, or planning beach weekends to relax, but there was an elephant in the room, and it was that he was growing unhappy with how our relationship changed. Eventually he ended things and moved out.

    We continued to see each other because we loved each other, but the arguments became worse and the hurt was just too raw. No longer being able to call him my fiance or even boyfriend destroyed me. My attention-seeking became a real insecurity. This continued for about 4 months. Then things started to get better, we started laughing more, and having so much fun together. One night, he calls me and tells me he wants to give things another try, but that we need to take things slow. Of course, I said yes, and things continued to be great until the holidays came around and my insecurity about where we stood in our relationship crept back in. His family wanted him to come home for the holidays and he wanted to see them just the same, but unlike all of the years prior, he suggested that we see our own families rather than spend them together. This was his way of taking things slow, but caused alarm in me. That’s when I started arguing with him again. Usually after too much to drink and at 1am when nothing good is going to get accomplished. Eventually we took a break. We cut off contact for a bit to try to heal from our past and to make some personal changes to break the cycle of what we kept running into in our relationship. He broke the no contact about a month ago and we started to see each other again. About once or twice a week. He was clear though that he was not ready for a relationship and that our relationship has made him question about whether or not he can ever give me what I want. I thought he would change his mind, but as the month went on there was still no conversation about being back together. Like always, I wound up starting an argument over nothing because I was searching for some sort of “security”. The next morning I felt embarrassed that I had made so many positive changes and yet essentially relapsed by doing the one thing that he can’t handle. This was Wednesday of last week. The next few days seemed pretty normal until the Sunday. I told him that I wanted to take him to specific restaurant for his birthday and to let me know which day he’d prefer to go. I didn’t get a response that night. Instead of making it a big deal, I just waited. Monday morning rolled around and he responded “I don’t think it’s a good idea that we go to dinner. What happened the other night made me realize that this is never going to work.” I cried, I begged, I pleaded for one more chance. He told me he needs to stand by it this time and that I need to move on. He eventually gave in to meeting me for a drink yesterday to talk through things. But he stood by his word and said again that we need to move on. I told him I don’t want to. And he said it’s what we need and that he has no idea what will happen in the future, but this is what needs to happen right now. I am devastated because I feel like he really means it. I know I’m supposed to try to move on, but I just can’t. Especially feeling like I could have prevented this. I just need to know there is hope. That one day we can come back together as two whole people and start again. 🙁

    • Petra says:

      Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. I think what he did was grown-up – he gave it his best and tried hard to make things work. You tried too – but even when you realised you were needy and insecure, and that was the main issue – you didn’t work on your insecurities and that’s why things got worse every time again. It will take you time to heal and feel better, so give it time. Don’t beg him to come back. He should come back to you if he really wants it himself, and any amount of pressure will just make things worse. Instead, think about your life – your own world. Who are you, what do you want, how do you want to live? You moved your life for him more than once and sacrificed relationships and jobs for him. Now it’s time to rebuild your own life and scene, so you can be that whole, happy person you want to be. And from that point, it won’t matter any more if he comes back or not, because you won’t need him to make you happy. If he comes back, great – if he doesn’t, again great because you will be able to stand on your own, and you’ll be ready to meet another great guy. If you’d like some help do contact me we can have a consultation and discuss. I also think my online course would help – check it out here.

  172. Priya says:

    I fell in love with a person 2 years ago, initilaly we were just together in the same team and realized later that we love each other. But due to religion problem, he married another women and have child now..but we still work in same office..he says he still loving me but it is not pratically possible..but i never felt like he is missing me…but, am still trying hard to forget him, but i can’t..1 year since his marriage, i completely broken and am alone still thinking of him…when he speaks i cant avoid him…i dnt have any close friends to hang out, i completely broken,..i know i wil get someone better than him but the delay makes me feel unsecured..am reading books to stay positvie and control thoughts, but cant continue this fully…can u help to recover soon?

    • Petra says:

      I think it may be time to move on – find friends, do something with your life that will get you out and help you meet new people, possibly even look for a new job. It’s hard to move on if you see him every day. And you really need to focus on something else – not him. Your thoughts are directly linked to your feelings, so you can’t change or control them unless you change your feelings too. And when you start doing other things and rebuilding your life, it will get easier. Now you are probably home alone a lot and that’s one of the big reasons why you are constantly thinking of him – there is simply nothing else much going on in your life. Just reading books will not help, you have to do some real changes in your life to start feeling better. I think my 7 Steps To Love course would help you – if you are interested, check it our here at this link.

  173. Heartbroken says:

    I’m 23 years old and up until this last relationship Id only ever been with one guy. I met my most recent ex and was immediately attracted to him. We hit it off and bonded extremely quickly and we were spending every day together. He made me so happy and nothing could bother me because I knew I had him. He was everything I ever wanted in a guy. He had a dark, troubled past, had been using heroin on and off for years, was tough, had tattoos and at the same time said he loved my innocence, wanted to protect me and be there for me, and was a total sweetheart to me. He gave me all the attention I craved (and that’s a lot of attention) and seemed to like me just as much as I liked him. He promised he’d never hurt me and wouldn’t leave me. Then we had sex and he started acting more distant. I attributed it to the fact that he was craving heroin and wasn’t himself. But then I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he said yes. Long story short I got hurt and he broke up with me. All of a sudden the innocence he loved about me meant that we came from different worlds and weren’t right for each other. Im heartbroken. I care about him so much and have such strong feelings for him and he’s made it clear that he could care less. I miss him so much and can’t stop thinking about the good times we had together. He’s with other girls now and one of them is my old roommate. I know he’s young and troubled and that we are very different. I just can’t seem to let go no matter how much I know it will ease the suffering. What should I do?

    • Petra says:

      He seems emotionally unstable which is not unusual for people who use heavy drugs – they often have great trouble coping with reality so they need an escape. I am sure he has great qualities but all the issues he has with himself, his dark side – are the reason he is not capable for a healthy, stable relationship. Please think about that and why you should even consider dating someone with such big issues. It’s not that he isn’t worthy of love, but he isn’t capable of being a loving partner until he sorts himself out. Unstable and unhappy people always hurt other people, and themselves. It’s because they hurt so much inside that they will hurt other people to feel better. Drugs are a big deal, they are a desperate cry for help. If you want to be loved you will have to find a partner who deals with his issues in a mature way, and numbing pain with drugs is certainly not one.

  174. Rachel says:

    Hi Petra,

    I’ve been dating Joe* off and on for almost 5 years now. Initially, when we first met he was in love with me, couldn’t get enough of me. He wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, he spoke about marriage and kids,etc. I was the one hesitant back then. He has some anger issues and I don’t tolerate his disrespect when he gets angry. I have pushed him away more times than I can count because of his anger issues. I drilled into his head that we would never work because of the arguments and his anger. I told him I wasn’t happy and that I deserve better. He would tell me that we can make it work and that he loved me and people that love eachother argue. I’d never been in love before and this was by no means my idea of what love was. Well after years of this back and forth verbally abusive relationship we finally stayed away from eachother for a significant period of time. I grew so much during that period that we had no contact. One day I decided to say hello and just like that we began dating again. But, this time he was a lot less open, very quiet, very apprehensive. Not the person I knew at all. He blames me for not trying hard enough the first time and is afraid that if he opens his heart to me again that I’ll just abandon him again. I tried to explain to him that we had a volatile relationship and how unhealthy it was which I believe is reason enough that two people shouldn’t be together. He doesn’t take any responsibility for anything that happened between us. He just blames me for not sticking it out. So now I feel incredibly guilty. I feel like he wants me to prove to him that I won’t leave him again. But Petra I would leave him again if I wasn’t happy. He once put me out of his car at midnight in Brooklyn NY because I wouldn’t kiss him after an argument. He was so agitated that he poked me with his finger repeatedly trying to provoke a reaction out of me as I sat there telling him to just take me home. I have caused an motor vehicle accident from having a minor panic attack with him in my car while I was driving as he attempted to agitate me on another occasion. I have no clue why I feel so strongly for him or why I feel so guilty. He has changed a lot, he’s not as angry but he’s also very nonchalant and appears disinterested half the time. It’s like he wants me to chase him, something I do not do. Yet I have been reaching out much more than he does- it’s affect my self esteem. I have dated other men but I can’t seem to shake the connection we have. When things are good, they are really good. I do love him but I’m not sure if he loves me anymore.

    • Petra says:

      He might have changed but if he isn’t accepting any responsibility for his past behaviour he still has a long way to go. It’s always two people in a relationship and it’s never one or the other that’s causing problems or pain or disconnect – you are both equally responsible for your happiness or unhappiness as a couple. Why you can’t let go? I don’t know, maybe you think he is the one for you “if only he changed this and that”. But that is not going to happen because you want it, only if he wants it – and when he wants it. You have to decide if you want him the way he is now, or that’s still not acceptable. So – either accept and love him exactly as he is today or – leave. When you stop contact and move on with your life, you will gradually move on in an emotional way too. When he is in and out of your life it’s hard to do that. So – make a decision and live by it. If this is worth fighting for – go for it, be in it, accept him, love him (today, not in some point in the future when he grows up) – or if you can’t do it today, don’t do it. He might change, but he may not. Why not free your heart for someone who can love you the way you want to be loved? Otherwise you are just wasting time on something you have no control over.

  175. Rebecca says:

    Hi Petra,
    I’m not sure why I’m writing this..I guess I hope you will be able to tell me something that will lessen my hurt and help me move on.
    I broke up with my ex over a year ago now, but my feelings for him are still so strong. I’ve even started dating someone else, but my ex is still in my heart. We only dated for about a year…but what a year it was. Although we had our complications and fights, the majority of our time together was, to me, pure bliss. I’ve never loved someone as I loved him…and that was the problem. I’ve been hurt so badly in the past, I just couldn’t stand the idea of losing yet another love, especially him, so as ridiculous as it sounds, I pushed him away. It hurts a lot more when you break your own heart btw. I just had this feeling that he did not belong to me, and If I’m really honest, I thought he would return and then I would know for sure he would never leave me. Pathetic right? I have been working on my own self love and worth since our breakup.
    Anyways, once I got my head out of my a$@ and realized how foolish I was being,I apologized and asked for him back. He told me that he had already moved on and was extremely happy with his new gf.
    Petra, I just want to be over him and let him go for good. How do i do this? I just want him out of my heart and head.
    Thank-you for listening.

    • Petra says:

      You’re too fixated on him being the one and only and the best thing that happened (and could ever happen) to you. That makes you unable to move on because your heart is still unavailable. You glorify him and your relationship – and I am sure it was a great year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have more great years and more great boyfriends. I would advise you to really question that belief – why do you think he is so special that you’ll never find anyone that special again? What proof do you have? I can help you with that, if you’d like that please contact me for a consultation (on email or via Contact / Work with me page).

  176. Lisa says:

    Hiya
    im sorry but I really need to vent this out. See I was a FWB relationship with a guy and at first it was just for fun and we were both attracted to each other from the start. However, I started to develop feelings for this guy and freaked out. I knew what would happen and so I tried to keep my distance. This didnt work and I fell even further for him. Eventually I put my hands up and just said we should call it quits because I didnt want to get hurt. I admitted to him I had feelings for him. I didnt hide anything from him. He has some problems involving drink and drugs and I just couldnt do it. I knew he would hurt me. But he just kept coming back, no matter what I said, told him not to text anymore, to go away and leave me alone he just always came back and I let him and I knew I was in love for the first time and I was terrified because Ive been rejected before. I thought tellin him I had feelings for him would have him running a mile but it didnt. I knew he didnt feel the same way though, he slept with other women I knew this. It hurt but I dealt with it.Eventually I decided to take a chance and said look I want a relationship, I have feelings for you but Im scared incase you hurt me. He told me he didnt want a relationship, didnt want a girlfriend and he didnt talk to me after because he had trouble with the police. I was so worried about him. Couple of weeks later I find out he has a girlfriend. Saw a picture of them on facebook, she’s beautiful. Its no wonder he didnt want me when he has someone like that on his arm. And i was crushed. I actually felt myself break, like I couldnt breathe. I would never get in between because im not that type of girl, women have enough problems without turnin on each other. But i cant put myself back together. And its my fault, i know this. I was warned, i knew it would happen but I went with it anyway. I feel so ugly, worthless and pathetic. Worse is im petrified of bumping into them, Im best mates with his sister and I know the family so i cant exactly avoid forever. Im constantly looking over my shoulder. I dont know what to do. I hate myself, i know its me, i know im goin wrong. Hell i already know the mistakes i made. But I cant forget him. Ive tried but someone will bring him up or Ill see him on street or Ill dream about him. Ive never felt such pain and hurt. He broke me and I cant put myself back together again. What do I do?

    • Lisa says:

      Oh and I forgot to mention that Ive never had a serious relationship. Not by choice. The first guy i went with he was the same of course it would of been nice to have a relationship with him but he wasnt interested so I easily moved on from him. The second guy i went with didnt work out again he just wanted FWB. The guy im in love with is the third and the only guy Ive ever been in love with and again he didnt want me. Like the rest. I cant take a fourth rejection, I feel like theres no hope for me anymore. Its me I know it. The girls who used to bully me in school used to say I was too ugly to fet a boyfriend. I guess they were right. I just dont feel like love exists anymore.

      • Petra says:

        Hey there. Sounds like you got yourself in a pretty big mess there. I think your real problem is low self-confidence. Not boys. Boys you attract come to you because you don’t value yourself much. You’ve been bullied and told you are ugly so it’s no wonder you feel worthless and unattractive. But girl, this is exactly why you have all those issues. You have to start loving yourself, and having some positive thoughts and feelings about yourself – that way you’ll start meeting much better and nicer boys, plus you won’t allow guys like your friend with benefits to use you. He wasn’t the right guy any way (trouble with police, drugs, etc. – definitely not Mr Perfect), so don’t feel bad you lost him. Feel sorry for the girl who got him! Also, because you fear rejection so much, you close down and don’t let anyone in – but you can’t fight fears by running away from them. You have to face them, and overcome them. That’s the only way to stop having bad experiences. When you feel good about yourself, you’ll make much better choices in love, and you’ll learn to trust them. I would love to help. Things can and will get so much better for you, but you have to sort yourself out first. Do contact me if you’d like to talk about all this (on email or via website). Take care!

  177. karinieeikiai spears says:

    hello my name is kay my ex boyfriend left me monday for the third time i am so sick but he has been in the army before and he is pshrinic and bypolar he has talk to me cray he selfish but he has done things for me and my kids that r not his alot of nice things and i am deeply in love wit him one minute he asks like he love me and the next he is telling me he gone leave again yes we fell on hard times but i thought we were to get right togeather we moved to a whole nother state and he has left me cause things got hard and he was being mean and hurt full i never left i took eerthing and still had his back no matter wat since he left i want to move to another state and start a whole new life i might even change my name im so in shock i would have never turned my back on him like that we were just looking for engaged meant brings two weeks ago do someones love really fall off like that i looked over things he did never brought them up and he would still find somthing negative to say i did we have a storage unit togeather but his name is on it and he left and went back to our home town and want even get it open so i van get me and my kids things he told me its not his problem and hed doesnt care that really hurts i been their for him when no one elese was and then he told me to ack like he is dead to me i told him i would never do that then he says well im just cold hearted like that i mean all i did was love him and he leaves me wit nuthing want even get my storage open that i put in his name please help me understand and face this maddness it hurts

    • Petra says:

      This man does not love you. And you don’t need that drama in your life. Seriously, why do you put up with all that? It seems like a horrible relationship, and the way he treats you is really bad. Please think about it – you can be much happier on your own, and you can definitely find a guy who will love and respect you more than this one. And again – he does not love you, if he did, there is no way he’d treat you this way. Look at his actions, not his words. That’s where the truth is.

  178. Adil Farhan says:

    I also want to share my story and need serious help regarding it. I had this girl in school , we were together, like best friends forever. We loved each other alot. We had been together for four years always talking , skyping, texting. We ended up in different college institutions still it didn’t effect our relationship. We were deeply in love. By the end of the first year in college. Relatives started coming to see her for marriage. I didn’t know what to do. I talked to my parents and I was not fully ready as I myself was not financially stable because I was studying. Still I went further and talked to one of her elder first cousin that I love her and want to get married. That cousin went to her and asked her. She said NO. The reason she gave me for a NO was that in her family love marriages are not allowed and if her father gets to know about us , he will be devastated leading to family issues and Rumours on bad upbringing of the child. When she said No. I got extremely unhappy. I cried for days. She got engaged to her close relatives son. We still talked like best friends and she used to be like I wanted to marry you and all and I was forced and had nothing in my hand. Now she is married and its been almost 6months. We got in touch a few times. I miss her alot , anything that I do remind me of her becz of the memories we had. Anywhere I go reminds me of the time I had with her at the same place. I used to only talk to her and share everything with her has made me abandoned cuz now I don’t have a best friend to share anything and I don’t know what to do. I guess she is in love with the guy too becz we aren’t in touch and I have heard people saying she is happy. She must have had her virginity taken and soon be a mother. This thing haunts me further becz I wanted to be that person. Please help me what to do. How to get over her. How to get over true love ? I miss her all the time thinking what she’d be doing and does she love me still or not …… We recently talked she said I miss you but then she ignores me and stops msging and I feel like she used me to pass time but my heart is not willing to accept that.

    • Petra says:

      Please read this: They don’t want us to be together, that’s a blog I wrote with people like you in mind. It’s hard when social norms clash than desires of your heart, but unfortunately you’ll have to accept she’s chosen her family over you and move on. I know it hurts and I know it seems senseless, but it’s all you can do. She was your first love, and you had a beautiful relationship – but she chose someone else. Even if it was against her will, still it was her choice, she said no to you – because it was easier than to fight for your love. How would her parents find out you married for love? – I don’t understand that part. But now it’s done, there is no way you can go back in time – so start looking forward. There will be other girls. Your ex is not one and only, she is just a girl you loved, and you can love that way again. Please focus your attention on something else, don’t ask about her, don’t talk about her, deliberately stop thinking about her when the thoughts come – and your feelings will start to change.

  179. Alexander says:

    Hi,
    There is this girl I really like at school and ended up asking her out and she accepted, however someone got wind of it (she is the most popular girl in my year) and told all my other friends who spread it even further and she blamed me for it and said she never wanted a relationship and she only wanted to be friends. A few weeks go by and I am still talking to her and before I know it her birthday is approaching so I buy her some gorgeous diamond earrings and a necklace and when we where on our final school camp (last Wednesday in fact) I tried giving them to her, however she said she felt bad taking them as we weren’t going out and didn’t have a relationship, then we have an amazing conversation for over an hour (so long we ended up missing our dinner call). Skip to two days later and I send her a text saying thanks for our conversation and apologising if I was to forceful with the jewellery and (I suffer from depression) thanks for having a beautiful friend to share my sad feelings with, then she blocks me on Facebook (that’s how I text her) and then I try to call her and she says “who is this” and I say “hey it’s me” and she hangs right up on me. I love this girl like crazy and basically everyone says we would make a good couple but she never accepts it, maybe deep down in her heart she loves me but I can’t see it happening in the future and I keep filling myself with false hope everyday. I’m joining the army next year (I’m dropping out) and I said there was a possibility of dying within the next two-three years and she said this one quote that I will never forget, ‘Expect the Worst but Hope for the Best’. I hope that she knows that I feel like absolute shit and want to ask her why without sounding like a dickhead. What can I do?

    Cheers

    • Petra says:

      Sounds like she doesn’t want to date you, and she’s not much of a friend if she’s blocking you and hanging up. If she doesn’t want you – you can’t do much about it. Moving on is your only option. Btw why are you dropping out of school? School is more important than girls. Or army. Go finish school, your future self will thank you.

  180. Lee says:

    I wonder if anyone would be able to help and offer some advice. I met J on a dating website when I had come out of a 6 year relationship that I had ended. We spoke for weeks and instantly clicked in a way I knew that he was going to be something special. I find it very hard to trust someone and open up, so to find someone I could do that with and remain “faceless” as we hadn’t met was what we both needed I think. I was dating people and he was dating people and we leaned on each other for advice and support. Talking sporadically for the best part of 6 months. At the time we had both broken up with people we were dating almost the same day. Both were feeling pretty poo and it was xmas time so we decided to arrange a drink and finally meet. I was nervous but excited and when the day came a couple days later it was like we had known each other for years. Still to this day the easiest and least awkward first date ive ever been on. Things then just escalated from there, from that day we talked almost everyday started sleeping together with a non committal no pressure tag, which was fine. He tells me in the february he wants to be more and I freak out and say that it isn’t what I want and I care about him and always want him in my life. As friends. He accepts the fate and starts dating someone new within a month or so. I have also carried on dating but not found anyone in particular. We still talk, text etc almost every day. We arrange a catch up drinks and dinner we haven’t seen each other in 3 months and wanna just generally catch up, he had also finished his masters degree and wanted to celebrate etc. He lives a while away so the plan is to stay at mine. The girl he’s dating still knows everything and is as alright about it as she can be I suppose. Anyway, the evening was a lot of fun, there were a few flirty moments but nothing untoward we have an excellent time and when we get back to my apartment we have some more wine and sit and talk. Out of nowhere he kisses me and I think that may have been the moment I realised I was in love with him. Nothing else happened and he looked at me and said I love you straight to my face. I feel terrible about his gf. I have told him how I feel now, there have been a few other meetings and a lot of dialogue about the prospect of us being together. I just don’t know if I feel I am wasting my time, I don’t want to be a bit on the side or the other woman and I have said if we do this we do it properly, he will have to break up with her. He agreed, also said that he thinks it will happen when it happens and not to force or rush things. Which I respect and agree with, but is he just trying to have his cake and eat it too? He will always be one of my best friends, he knows too much and has been such a support to me for him not to be. I worry that the prospect of our relationship could ruin the friendship. It could be a risk worth taking. Im just very confused and in a lot of pain any advice would be great. Thanks.

    • Petra says:

      You’ve made it so complicated because you are afraid to open up and get close. Yes it can be scary, and yes you could end up hurt and rejected in the end. But that’s the only way to find love. Dating casually and hiding behind apps will never give you the connection you crave. The one person you felt something for – you ran for the hills. He seems to be similar too, so it’s double trouble. You rejected him, so now he is being cautious – if he runs back to you, you may reject him again. If he leaves his girlfriend – he might still lose you both. Maybe he loves his girlfriend too, and he can’t make up his mind? As you can see, even if you try to hide and run away from pain, it still finds you. You want to protect yourself by not going too deep, but you can’t help it. The desire for love and connection is too strong. You’ll have to conquer the fear and dive straight in. There is no love without taking risks. There is no connection if you don’t open up. The only way to protect your heart is to make it stronger, by learning to love and value yourself so you don’t need confirmation from others. Then you won’t be afraid of rejection and it won’t hurt. Because rejection is nothing more than a matter of taste. It says: ‘we are not a good match’ not ‘you are no good’. We all reject. We all hurt others (mostly unintentionally). We all love, we all leave. That’s what life is. If you want to play the game, you have to accept all the rules.

  181. rosy says:

    i so can relate with you Lisa. In all my 22 years of my love all i wanted was love and care from someone. i had only one serious relationship so far because i was too scared to have one. but the guy cheated on me. i never wanted to hurt myself again as i come out as the independent woman. but i met this guy, there was a sudden spark. he opened up to me and listening to him all i wanted to do is to take away all his pains and make him happy unconditionally. but initially i did not want him to be dependent on me because that is what he was doing as he was heart broken once.i wanted to make sure that he should not be hurt because of me in any way and especially when i knew i am falling for him. and realized he is also and before we have met once. but i did not realized that by asking him not to fall for me before we see each other in person , he has stopped feeling the same for me. just the day we met, after that he started avoiding me. i hated that. but he said he will get attached to me and that will hurt him more as he knows i dont want a serious relationship. and started behaving rudely. however he cared enough for me and helped me every time i needed something. but he will say we cant be together for greater good and thats why he behaves rudely never leaves an opportunity to hurt me. but now i am so badly stuck. i dont even know that we will end up together. all i know is that i care for him and can do anything to get him back, once bitten the second time rejected(maybe). i dont know if i can ever go for something like this ever again. but i surely know that for the days we shared some bond it was worth of anything.
    i just want to know what should i do? one thing is for sure i wont be able to trust anyone ever in my life again.

    • Petra says:

      Your fears are your biggest enemy. But you can’t fight them by running away from them. Fears have to be overcome, otherwise they always come back. If you don’t have romantic relationships because you are afraid of being rejected and hurt, you’ll get rejected and hurt by other people in your life. If you are afraid to trust, you’ll keep getting disappointed and your trust broken. You can be without fear, but the only way to do that is to learn you are worthy of love, and you are not defined by other people’s opinions or feelings for you. When you know you are worthy of love, you get much more love from others too. So please take that journey to yourself, work on your confidence, understand that love comes from inside and nobody can take it away, and you are valuable, and worthy just the way you are.

  182. An says:

    I am 24 years old and I have just recently had my first heartbreak. She was also my first girlfriend and a lot of “firsts” with a lot of things. I’ve been with this girl for 2 years and we’ve came to an agreement that both our feelings were fading because in the beginning, our love was so strong and intense and we both loved HARD. We were always with each other 24/7. Did literally everything together. She was my best friend. I know you get to learn from being in relationships and I’ve learned that I think that’s what made our feelings starting to fade. We were with each other too much and in the end, I think that is what made our love fade. We tried a lot of things and ways to fix this problem. When it seems like it was starting to work for me, like having those feelings again, it didn’t for her. She tells me that “Not all love is meant to last. When feelings fade, there’s no going back” I just keep on thinking about all these things I could have or should have done to fix it but its too late now. It feels like I’m just here left in ditch because I still love her so much. It’s so hard to let go of someone when you still love them so much. And it’s especially hard when everything we had was so good and perfect. There was nothing bad to look back on so that it could make things a little easier for me to move on. Everything I do just consumes me and it hurts so much. I keep looking through old pictures and videos and dwell over it which I know I shouldn’t. I feel so pathetic and just shitty. What helped me a little was that I had to google “How to get over your first love” and “How to get over your first love when they don’t love you back”. That’s what I stumbled upon your page Petra. I was able to find some comfort and peace through talking to friends. So now, I hope I can get a BETTER insight on how to deal with this.

    • An says:

      Everything you’ve said about this post and the advice you have provided are all very true. That is why I have to bookmark this page. I don’t usually do this often nor have I ever have posted anything on a thread or anything like this. But in hopes of you replying to me I had to reach out to you. I am going to try my best to follow your advice given above on this post. I have to first accept the fact that she doesn’t love me anymore and “FACE REALITY”. It’s tough..

      • Petra says:

        I have more articles which can help you move on – please look here: http://petralovecoach.com/category/after-breakup/. Thank you for your kind words. Glad to help. I know it’s not easy but unfortunately breakups are a part of love and life too – it will get easier for you with time. One important thing is to stop looking back and re-living your relationship. That’s just painful and keeps you in the emotion that you need to let go. When something has ended, we need to let it go. That’s the best for us and for the person we broke up with. You’ll see, love will come your way again. Nobody is meant to have just one love in their life. That would be a sad life!

    • Petra says:

      I know it’s tough. But she was right – not all love is meant to last. In fact, most romantic relationships do not last a lifetime. You are lucky you had such a beautiful first love. But first love is often just that – first. You will get over her, and you’ll see – love only gets better with age. When we grow up we are wiser, smarter, and more stable in so many ways, so our relationships have more solid base and can last longer. Wish you all my best. Take care.

  183. Hudx says:

    I met him 3 years ago he fell in love at first, I didn’t believe in love at that time I kept flirting with him and other guys too but then I realized I’m feeling for him that I didn’t want to feel.. I dated with other guy and the guy who loved me came to know about what I did and he almost left me, I begged him that I’ll change and he stopped..
    I changed myself but after two years he married someone else and he couldn’t tell me about it thinking that how hurt I would be after knowing what he did.. I came to know about his marriage 2 months ago and I’m depressed like hell can’t stop thinking about every single second we spent together. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone else whenever any person talk to me with love I miss him.. I just can’t get over it.. what should I do now..

    • Petra says:

      You need to get your act together and move on. There will be other boys. This guy didn’t love you much if he went and married someone else. Why would you want to be with someone who left you and wasn’t willing to work on your relationship? You will find someone who’ll actually care for you. And I am sure you’ve grown up a bit too, so you are ready to experience real love, real connection – not teenage flirting games.

  184. Vanessa says:

    Hi, Petra
    How are you?, well… I met this guy 6 months ago, and I know, I feel kind of stupid for being heartbroken because of “something” that lasted 6 months but I can’t help it, we met online and at the beggining I was not the interested, he was the one that kept talking to me daily, at every moment, he was a nice boy and when I realized it, I was starting to have feelings for him, it was hard, i didn’t like the idea of falling for him because
    1) We haven’t met in person
    2) That was not going to be possible, he lives in the UK while I’m from Latinamerica
    3) He told me at the beggining that he was trying to talk to his ex again, and he sound so in love of her (or obsessed, I’m not really sure yet)
    So I told to myself that I should try to be realistic about the situation, but that’s when he started to talk to me in a different way, he started to call me “honey”, “darling”, we used to skype almost everyday for at least 4 hours, he said he would date me if I’d lived there, we used to do a lot of things together thrpugh skype (study together, he played the piano for me, eat together, watch movies together, even sleep together), he introduced me to his mom and his sister through skype, he even talked to me about how our wedding would be like, I’ve never been a dreamy girl, actually many of my friends knows me as the cold girl, but I had so many illusions with him and that’s when I started to feel bad, being together would be hard, and till that moment we were nothing, he never asked to be his gf but we used to do things as we were.
    I asked him 3 times if he was taking me serious, I told him that I didn’t want to be just a random girl that he talks to when he is bored, and everytime I told him that, he answered me that I was overthinking, that I was important to him and that if I wasn’t he wouldn’t have talked about so many things with me, that kind of relieve me for a while but I started to feel insecure, what if he finds someone else? what I would do then? I was just too far away, and that’s when I realized that being together was almost impossible, I was so sad and that mixed with other problems in my life… terrible. That’s when I decided to start letting him go, I didn’t want to be hurt later, but at the same time I didn’t want to lose him, so I stopped talking to much to him, and that’s when I got a disappointment, I told him how I was feeling but he didn’t care that much, perhaps he didn’t talked to me that whole day anymore, he didn’t ask how were my other problems, he didn’t care. But after that day he talked to me like normal, even more, I didn’t want to keep being emotionally dependent of him so I barely answered, I refused to his calls on Skype and one day I told him that I just needed a little bit of time to put together my feelings, he understood and we talked a little for those days, until I felt better and I realized that I wanted him for me, even just as a friend and that if things were supposed to be for us, God will give us a chance someday, but for now I wanted to know that I had him there, for me. We talked a day normally, the next day he didn’t talked to me, so at night I send him a ” I hope you had a great day”, I had no reply, he didn’t even saw the message, next day I tried with a “Hey!”, nothing, a snap, nothing, he was ignoring me, he didn’t open the messages! After 4 days I wrote him that I was sorry for who cold I was those days, but that I really care about him and that I didn’t want him to be mad with me… he answered “No… It’s just that I started talking with my ex lately and it just doesn’t feel right talking to you. I’m sorry”
    I cried like I’ve never cried before, I told him that I hope she appreciates him know, and I wished him good luck.
    He said “Is not that… Thanks :), how are your dogs?”
    That’s were it ended for me, I was heartbroken, I couldn’t believe he didn’t care at all, and the worst part is that his ex is a whore, not saying it because I like him, I’m saying it because it’s true, they met in HK (they are both from there) and they had something there (aka sex), he “fell in love” and they were on a LDR for 6 months (she is from LA) but she had/s a boyfriend there for almost 3 years, and he knew that this whole time, I can’t believe he can still talk to her, it doesn’t have sense, she is playing with him!
    Anyways… I was feeling better after 3 weeks without him, not great, but better, until he talked to me in snapchat accidentally, we didn’t talk actually that time, and yesterday… that he send me a link of tips for avocado lovers (I love avocado, he hates it) I said thanks for the tip… and that’s it, I’m not that bad now, but it hurts, I’ve cried again today and I’m feeling not that good, I’m not gonna say I was forgetting him, actually I think about him everyday but I don’t get why he “talked” to me again, I don’t lose hope to be honest… but I know it’s gonna be hard, and confidence will never be the same (if we talk again, wich I’m not sure it’s gonna happen) I just needed to share this with somebody… thanks

    • Petra says:

      Long distance relationships are just very hard to maintain, much easier to fall out – than when you can actually be together in person. Video calls, chats and apps are great – they bring us closer, but that closeness is still virtual because you don’t share anything for real. Plus he was still in love with his ex – that is a sign he wasn’t ready for a new, committed relationship. Do read this post, it will help you understand why it didn’t work out, and how you can be smarter going forward: Long distance dating: pros and cons. And please don’t beat yourself up – you made a mistake, but it’s all a good life lesson which will help you tremendously to make a better choice next time. All my best!

  185. Liam Butcher says:

    Hi Petra I hope I’m not too late to comment on this!
    About 4 months ago my girlfriend and I broke up, it was her decision as she is a competitive swimmer (one of the best in Great Britain) and is also at University. We started seeing each other while she was home for her Christmas holidays and it very quickly became a relationship (her first) before she went back to uni. Things were great between us and we were in constant contact (perhaps too much) and I would regularly visit her at her uni.
    We were very attached too each other and would share everything with each other, always messaging or skyping whilst we were apart. I fell completely in love with her about 2 months in although she doesn’t know this as I never got the chance to tell. She entered an extremely busy and stressful time with uni work as well as swim training and suddenly, about 9 or 10 days before we broke up she became quite distant as was not as attached to me as before, it was like she was a different person. Instead of talking about her situation with me, we broke up as she felt she couldn’t handle a relationship on top of everything else she is doing in her life. This was incredibly hard to take as she wasn’t feeling like this 10 days before as she was talking about the future and inviting me to events months ahead of time. It absolutely broke me, and I had never experienced anything like that before.
    I found it impossible to get over her and move on for this reason, and because I am so in love with her, she is such an amazing girl and I thought for sure she was in my short and long term future. A month ago she came home for the summer, I left a red rose and hand-written letter on her doorstep but she took the time to think about how she feels but still feels the same.
    I am finding it impossible to get move on and get over, and the fact that it ended so suddenly still tortures me. If I am honest I don’t even know if I want to move on as I don’t want to lose mt feelings for her and I have a ridiculous hope that we might finish what we started one day and get back together in the future. I just don’t know what to do with myself or how to feel better… Could you offer some advice please?

    Many thanks,
    Liam

  186. Hi, I had been reading your article. It’s really encouraging but honestly, I just can’t think in those terms now. I had a break up recently like four days back. This guy I had dated since a year. We met at the same office. And a typical young love started between us.( He had an ex girlfriend before me. She was a gorgeous woman but a mean one. I always felt he had a soft corner for her and wanted to go back. I realised I was a rebound).Then he had to leave for another place and I was heart broken. I never had any issues with distance. But he is scared of maybe falling for somebody else while still in a relationship with me. I went to visit him at his place which is just a nights journey to surprise him on Valentine’s Day. But he chose that day to call it off. You couldn’t imagine how hard the trip back home was. I cried the entire journey. All the good times we had together went wasted. He asked me to stay in contacts as a friend. I couldn’t possibly do that just after such a hard break up. For a month and half, I never gave a chance to talk to him. Then one night, he called me up and cried and pleaded me to return back to him cause he claimed he would never get somebody who would love him like I did. I was so happy. I said a yes.

    Then started another four months of such pretty love. A long distance love. In that time, he visited me twice. I visited him once more. It was perfect. I somehow felt he had finally gotten over that pretty ex. My friends said probably he tried out with her once more and she rejected him during that one and half month when I was away. So he came back to me finally. I never tried to believe them but that’s possible. Now he has to travel to another place that’s farther than where he is now for his higher studies. When I heard that, I was so sad. I knew he would do it again cause of the distance thing. Last weekend, this time as I’m typing, we were having the time of our lives. He came to visit me the last time. I knew what was following. So after he left, I asked him what about us. He replied what I was expecting. He wanted us to stay friends. I broke off all contacts. I haven’t talked to him for hours. He has never tried to reach me either. He never gave me a chance to work it out.
    I’m sorry it’s been a long essay. Please I just want to know if he actually ever loved me. He always said it but he also said he loved his other exes too. Please help me. I’m crying to bed every night. I don’t know how long it will be.

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know if he loved you. Sounds like his feelings were pretty confused. He was constantly on/off – changing his mind. The things he did sound ‘flaky, undecided, unsure, bland’. You were definitely an option for him, but were you the real thing? I don’t think so. If he was truly in love with you he’d make sure you see it in his actions. He’d plan his future with you in mind. The real question here is: what do you want? How do you want to be treated? What is love for you? How do you want someone to love you? How do you want him to show it? If you want someone who will love you for real, don’t date guys who are on rebound or unsure what they feel. If it feels like you’re just his backup, you probably are. With a guy who truly loves you you won’t have doubts. He will do everything to show you he is serious. This guy wasn’t it. I know you feel bad and it will take awhile until you feel better, and get over him. Now you can’t see he was a bad choice for you, but once your feelings settle, you will see it. Please use this experience to understand how your relationships should NOT look like. How your boyfriend should NOT treat you. You shouldn’t settle to be someone’s backup, you want to be his one and only. So if you meet another flaky guy who isn’t sure if he wants you or not – don’t go there. You deserve better, and you can find it. Take care.

  187. Joshua says:

    Hey, I hope this is still an active post. I’ve read a lot of these and they have all been very interesting. I feel for all of you who are hurting. My name is Joshua and my ex and I were in a relationship for almost ten years. She is from Chicago and I am from Ohio, she went to undergrad in my home state and we met at a party. She was in school to be a veterinarian so she was in school for the majority of our relationship. When we met she was 18 and I was 25, my father had just passed away and I was drugged up a lot after with the help of the money he left behind. My mom left him when I was 19 and he and I lived together for the rest of his life until I found him dead in his room at the age of 44 a day away from his 45th and two days away from my 25th. Anyways we met, and it was love pretty soon. We were long distance for the first couple years but it works because we both were in it 100%. Finally she was ready to start grad school in Illinois and I chose to move there and get an apartment with her. So finally we lived together. Things started out great but unfortunately my drug habits followed me to Illinois.

    I had my ups, and downs, but she always stuck with me and tried to help me with my problems while still being into her studies. I did my best to never get in the way of her dreams and school and finally she graduated and became the DR. I watched her work very hard to become. Now during our whole relationship I had drug problems and it caused a lot of anger, sadness, and fights. But she knew that I love her and always said she knew I was such a better person than I’m living as. I always t thought about her age difference and how I was only the second person she has sexually been with, and realized that so far she had been focused on school so much she never had a real social life, not like most people her age. And I always thought or wondered I guess, of she would regret not living like most people. Well eventually I got clean from the drugs and got a great job. We eye doing great. Then all the sudden it wasn’t there anymore. I could tell something had changed. I still loved her and thought she was beautiful but I wasn’t as sexually attached to hey as I used to be. I would turn down sex for the last 3 months of our relationship. But we had a house, we had animals that we picked out together and I loved that. She was my best friend. One day I told her I needed to go to Ohio to see some friends, that I needed some guy time with my friends I haven’t seen forever. She seemed fine about it. The day I was going to leave she said she has someone at work who might be more than a friend. For me to go home and visit while she figures out what she wants. I was very shocked, and very hurt. This girl had never said anything like that ever, and I could tell she was serious.

    3 months later here I am… Still in Ohio. I got kicked out and never invited back. She is with that guy from work, for with him very soon after. She acted like we never met. She didn’t respond to my texts. Calls, nothing. I was a mess for a while. Still am in some aspect. I went from living a life in Illinois with a little family, our animals and her my everything. My only thing for the last 10 years. Now she has been calling me, texting me, and acting like herself again. She swears she didn’t cheat on me, that nothing happened while we were together. Those first couple months I went through every emotion a person has. I couldn’t even get our of my mother’s basement for two weeks. But my real friends that I left behind have been there, and so has my family. She is still with this dude, do who is she calling me now. Why is she saying she misses me now? I would have killed to hear those words, our even see a text from her in the first couple months. But now I know that guy stays over in our house, in our bed, with our animals. Why isn’t she confiding in him, why me, why now? I’m not sure how to take this. I miss her, and I love her still but the way she ended it, and how quickly she moved on has really got me questioning if talking to her is wise. Why did she end it, I quit drugs… Isn’t that what she wanted? I was working, I thought we had done issues sure, but I didn’t realize they were at this point. Why didn’t she leave when I was on drugs. Why now when I’m finally starting to get over it. I asked her the other day that I wanted to be with her and I need her to stop out with that guy, she said she doesn’t have an answer??? In sorry so long. But there is a lot of history there.

    I need to move on I think. I don’t know if I got back with her if I could ever trust her again. And im not even sure if she wants to ever get back together. Very confused here. Please help!!!

    • Joshua says:

      Excuse the spelling errors please, I’m usually a stickler about that but it’s late.

    • Petra says:

      I think you do need more clarity so you can start moving on for real. If you want to talk it through, get in touch and we’ll schedule a consultation. Email or via Contact/Work with me pages.

      • Joshua says:

        I understand you’re busy but I was hoping to get at least a little insight on this from you. Not three sentences telling me to schedule an appointment. Cmon man!!

        • Petra says:

          I just think you’d benefit much more from talking than my three sentences, that’s all. Sometimes people get a written response if I feel that would be enough. Sometimes I ask them to contact me because I want to help more, and I don’t want to give them misguided advice based on too little information. Your situation just seems complex enough to warrant a talk. Which is free btw. It’s half an hour of my time, free of charge. However, if you want it short and sweet – here you go: you were an addict. She stuck around for years and loved you, but your relationship deteriorated during the process. You didn’t have sex for the last 3 months – probably she was already over you and at least emotionally invested elsewhere. She met someone else and wanted out but didn’t have the courage to leave you, to tell it to your face – maybe because she felt guilty to leave you now that you’ve cleaned up your act. Seems there was a lot of things in your relationship that were not dealt with and were left unsaid. I’d say you both decided to not talk about them, it was easier to just sweep your problems under the rug. So you didn’t really know how the other one truly felt. Things fell apart in silence. One day you said you were going to Ohio and she took the opportunity to kick you out. Why is she contacting you now? Probably her new beau is not that great and she wants to see if you are still there if she decides to dump him. Maybe she realised she made her decision too quickly. Maybe she still loves you. Maybe she is just needy and you were her addiction. Maybe she misses taking care of a disturbed tormented soul (some people stay in relationships with addicts because it gives them the ego boost of being needed and wanted). I don’t know. I was hoping to get more answers from you and then give you a better idea. This way I can only wild guess. If you want a clear answer – leave her be, cut all contact and move on. That’s a much safer bet than any ‘what-if’ possibility of reconciliation.

          • Joshua says:

            That’s what I needed. Isn’t is weird that we as human beings always want to hear an answer about our problems from someone else, but we really knew the answer all along. I would actually love to talk with you. How do I go about doing so. Thank you by the way… Sorry if my last comment was me being an a hole… No excuse really is just been so hard now I thought the worst was over and she’s contacting me. I don’t want to get my heart broken twice. And I now see that my last comment was me being immature and needy… Like “what about me”?… I apologize.

          • Petra says:

            Apology accepted 🙂 If you’d like to talk, please contact me on email via Contact/Work with me page – there is a form to fill in so I have your details and can find a good time for our consultation.

  188. Brenda says:

    Hi Petra,

    I would really appreciate some of your advice regarding my situation.
    I still hold hope that my ex boyfriend will change his mind and want to be with me again. We were in a relationship for 9 years, but the last 3.5 years we had a long distance relationship. He broke up with me at the beginning of April 2015, and I am still recovering from this horrible pain (it is the worst I have experienced in my life so far).

    I met him during my first year of university when I was 19… in 2 more days I will be 29. It’s just scary all the time we shared together and think that it’s over now 🙁 .
    The reason we were in long distance is because I had a job offer that meant living abroad. Since this job offer was really good and I always had the dream of working outside my home country I took it. My boyfriend completely supported me and we agreed that he would come to join me later where I am now working. He decided to pursue a masters in the meantime to have better chances of finding a job once he joined me. It was difficult for both, we both missed each other very much. It turned out he failed one of the subjects and was kicked out of university. So then he applied to another university at a different city, where they let him continue with his studies. However, he failed again at some point due to procrastination issues.

    It was around this time that one of his friends told him there was a vacant internship at a company where he really wanted to work, so he applied for it and he got it. Later this same company offered him a full time job, and since then he has been really happy with his job, to the point that I started worrying about him settling over there.

    In 2012 he proposed to me and I said yes, but we didn’t marry afterwards. My family discouraged me to get married as they thought it was too early. I also felt I was not ready at the time. Just writing about this makes me feel so sad and regretful :'( .

    During all this time apart we would talk every day on the phone, he would call me always to see how was my day and tell me about his. However, we started having conversations about when he would finally come over. The issue is that for him to work where I am, he needs a working visa. So originally he asked me if we could get married (with marriage visa he can work over here). But I asked him if he could try to find a job instead first, to come with a work visa. So he applied for a few jobs. In September 2014 he came over where I am for a job interview, but they didn’t offer him the job afterwards. He was so sure he would get it that I think he was very disappointed when they didn’t call him back. I remember him saying “this is my one chance, and I will get it”.

    In the end of last year we had many discussions about when he would come over because it’s been a very long wait. I even threatened to break up with him 🙁

    I started seeing how difficult it might be for him to get a job easily, so I told him we should get married. In December 2014 he came again to visit me for Christmas. We were together for 2 weeks, but we had many discussions and it wasn’t very enjoyable. Since the start he let me know he had a bit of doubt about us. I also have to say that although we had been together for so long he waited for me several years until I felt ready to have sex. So when we did have it it wasn’t great at the beginning, and I feel this discouraged him as well.

    After those 2 weeks together in December he became more distant. He was actually very busy at work as they delegated more responsibilities to him. Anyway, he still started applying for the marriage visa, which required that he took an English test. It took ages for the results to be delivered to him. And the truth is I just became very impatient. One day I yelled at him really badly due to all the frustration accumulated.

    And since then it all became worse. He didn’t call me as often. He said he needed time to think. This went on for 4 months. And in April he told me he had decided to stay in Mexico. I was in shock. I took a 13-hour flight to see him on the next day. I was with him only for 3 days, and saw him 2 of them. I said I would do whatever needed for us to be together, but he didn’t change his mind. During those 4 months he said he thought about everything and decided he wanted to break up with me for good. He said I had been a bad girlfriend, not supporting him to come over. That he had carried all the weight on his shoulders and felt too pressured. That he had put all his efforts to be with me during our time apart and he had realized he wasn’t enjoying his life that way. He also mentioned he had spoken with many people, some common friends included, and he had decided to split up with me.

    I flew back to where I live completely in pain. I read everywhere about how to get your ex back. I applied no contact to him for 1 month, to find out after that month that he was seeing somebody else. He is still with her, she’s 4 years older than him. I asked him if he had been unfaithful, but he said no. However, he did say he knew her before breaking up with me. It feels like a betrayal to me, being with somebody else so fast!

    I can’t believe this happened to me. I later called him and he said he still felt hurt. I told him I would go to live to where he is right away if he would give us another chance. But he said “when I broke up with you, I broke up for good”. He said I should move on, go out and meet people, date somebody. That he knows I will find someone who will make me happier. He also said he has changed and he doesn’t think we are good for each other. The other thing he mentioned is that relationships should be a lot more simpler than ours.

    I considered him my family, my future husband and the person I wanted to have kids with. We had so many plans together and now this is gone. I am having a hard time still, although these last 2 weeks I feel I have recovered a bit… so much crying. I have gone out with friends in the weekend, more than what I am used to. I also feel I need a big change in my life, and I thought about quitting my job and pursuing a masters degree. I am not very satisfied with my job although the pay is really good. But I don’t feel that much motivation. I have felt very confused during all this period about what I want to do with my life. I am left alone in a foreign country with a dream of getting married what I thought would be this year.

    I still hold hope he will change his mind. I think he wanted to try out what it is to be in a different relationship as well. At the same time he is a very stubborn person and proud as well. But is there any chance he will come back?

    I know I should move on with my life, but I am so scared I will not find a person like him to connect with. I also feel as you become older the chances reduce. For example, I go to work and then back home in the evening, so there’s no big opportunity of meeting new people during the week.

    Thanks for reading this long post.

    • Petra says:

      Seems your relationship was strained for a long time due to long distance and issues with work / studies. It’s hard to live apart for years, and unfortunately things like this happen more often than we’d want them to. You chose to leave your country and pursue your dreams – so it was something you did for yourself, not for you as a couple. Usually marriage is the easiest way to get your partner across borders, much much easier than getting a straight work permit – but you were not ready, and you again followed your own heart. It’s nobody’s fault things played out this way, but he is right to say that he tried harder and sacrificed more – he did everything he could to join you, so it’s hard to blame him for not sticking it out, he did it for quite a long time.

      Can you get him back? I’d say listen to him – if he says no, he means it. The question for you is, would you take him back if you met someone new where you live now? Probably not. So don’t think about him as your excuse/backup for not being alone – take his advice and start looking for ways to meet new people and make a new life for yourself.

  189. Susanne says:

    How do you move on from this:

    I saw a therapist for a number of years. We had a lot in common, it was like we had lived parallel lives. We decided to move on to a private relationship. I was married since over 20 years, I sort of risked that, he risked his position.

    There was a lot of pressure on the relationship, and I think the pressure made us both completely ballistic. We had a crazy row, and after that I didn’t want anything to do with him. After a while I felt guilty, went back and tried to get sensible with it all. He was by then scared to death, afraid I was going to report him. I really tried to make him trust me, make him see my side of it. I felt he really wanted me, but was afraid to trust me. Also, his supervisor had told him it was impossible to go from a therapeutic relationship to a private, and he was convinced I would only end up disappointed in him. Also, he was a bit worried about my husband, who apparently had tried to contact him.

    I was devastated, felt so abandoned and angry, I actually did report him.

    Now I am confused: He was really into me. He wasn’t the kind of guy I would go for normally, but it felt like we connected on a deeper level. Maybe that was real, pure love I felt? It is like all that nonsense I usually care about, doesn’t mean anything when it comes to him.

    I don’t know how he feels about me now, I worry about him, how he is holding up. Should I check on him? Or would that be disrespectful? After all, I am the one who has caused his misery. Needless to say, I miss him terribly.

    Also, it is hard to move on as I don’t have the opportunity to find new love, that is, if I don’t decide to leave my husband. I love my husband, but something is missing, or I wouldn’t have done what I did. It has never happened before, but now it feels hopeless to face the future without anything to look forward to.

    I feel really lost!

    • Petra says:

      A therapist that decides to have an affair with a married patient, I’d say has very low integrity, professional and personal. First of all, a therapist should keep the boundaries clear enough so you don’t get emotionally attached to one another. But – I know we are all humans and things happen. Which still doesn’t paint him in very nice light for someone whose job is to help people sort themselves out. You – on the other hand, should really think about what you’re going to do with your marriage. You love him, but something is missing. Then leave him and find a man who’ll be the whole package. You don’t have the opportunity to find new love – who says that? Where does that idea come from? You found new love already, but you messed it up (both of you). You need to start sorting your mess, not making more. Your marriage first, then your therapist situation (if there is anything there left to sort). You even reported him, so maybe he’s gone forever. But you can’t just go on having affairs while keeping your husband as loving boring backup. That’s not fair to him. And it doesn’t do you much good either. If you keep creating messy situations, life will give you more of the same. So please think about it and start making some decisions that will help you long term, not serve as a short-term band-aid.

      • Susanne says:

        Thank you so much Petra! Finally someone who tells me to leave my husband! Everybody keeps telling me to stick to my husband. We have so much history, children (grown up though), work together, finances, even love. Still I am not satisfied, I really am not! That is the reason I felt I couldn’t find love again, as I felt so trapped in my situation. I really do think I want to leave, and like you say, if I don’t, I might end up doing more stupid things, creating mess, hurting my husband and others even more.
        Thank you so much for putting it that way! You really helped me!

        • Petra says:

          You are most welcome! If you need more clarity we can talk about it too. Just send an email or inquiry via Contact or Work with me pages.

  190. Heather says:

    I have been trying to find help for a long time and the fact that I find myself alone in my apartment on a Sunday night on this page after googling something about how to get over someone just hammers in the point that something isn’t working here for me or I am doing something wrong in life. I am in love with a married man. I have been for years. We had an affair of sorts years back that was off and on physical and then it stopped being so physical and more emotional. I have gone through phases of not talking to him, yelling at him for hurting me and using me, trying to maintain a platonic and friendlship. I have tried to get away from him bu he somehow pulls me back. I have told him I am in love with him. He has told me he cares a lot about me but he doesn’t love me. I am having trouble accepting that. Its almost as if I actually don’t believe him. That deep down he does love me or why would he stay so much in my life. He tells me he talk to me more than anyone. He doesn’t want to lose me. Today I tried to reconfess my love for him, hoping for a new answer I suppose, but he still said he doesn’t feel how I feel. He is married. He has kids. He has told me he doesn’t love me the same way and that we can’t be together like that and yet I am still here thinking of him. I am afraid no other man will make me feel the way he makes me feel. I am 34 and no man has ever loved me. I was sexually abused a lot as a child and he is the only man I have felt comfortable with sexually and intimately. I am afraid I won’t find that with someone else. I don’t understand why nobody will love me and why he doesn’t love me? I don’t know how to move on even though that is what I should be doing. I’m afraid I will never be happy. How can I feel so strongly about him and he not me? If he didn’t want me would he just walk away? When I don’t reach out to him, he reaches out to me. I love him and he is all I want and I am in so much pain because I can’t have him. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    • Petra says:

      You are in so much pain and turmoil because you think nobody else can love you. Or nobody else will love you as much as him. You see him as your only (or best) option to get love. That’s why you keep going back to him (or keep the door open so he can come and go as he pleases). He was honest with you – he doesn’t love you enough to leave his wife or family for you. He won’t take chances for you. But he loves you enough to use you as emotional support and sexual release. Your problem is really not him – it’s the lack of faith you have in ever finding someone else. You don’t see yourself as worthy of love, so you take what you can get – in this case affection of a married man. And a married man who isn’t really treating you very nicely. Why do you think this is the best you can get? Why do you fear looking for love with someone who is free to give it to you? He always comes back to you because you let him – he knows whatever he does, you’ll always be there. So he doesn’t walk away, because for him this is very comfortable and easy. He can go on like this forever. He is hurting you, but he is OK with it because he sees you take whatever little love and affection he gives to you. To heal – you need to first heal yourself. See yourself as worthy of love, give yourself a chance to be happy on your own, and then with someone else. If you’d like to talk about this more do contact me via email or Contact / Work with me pages.

  191. nikki says:

    I left my first and only love yesterday. We had our issues I wanted to move to a larger house and he didn’t but I continued the buying process without him thinking he would just come with me because he loved me and he can’t really afford to live on his own anyway. But he won’t come with me and now I’m laying in bed wanting to give up everything just to have him back even though I know he wouldn’t take me back now. How could I make such a terrible mistake splitting up my family. Now my son and I are living at my parents until I can move to my house. I waited so long for love the first time I just don’t want to be alone. If there were any way of convincing him to take me back I would do it in a heartbeat to be able to have my life long companion even if that means I’m not completely happy. I really hope that time truly heals all wounds because I just can’t imagine this wound ever healing.

    • Petra says:

      It’s very hard for him to see you love him if you just ignore his wishes thinking he’ll comply with yours because he has no other choice. But he had a choice, and he exercised it. Feels to me this is not your only problem – if you showed lack of respect for him in such a big thing, there were probably many other things you didn’t agree on. Try talking to him, admit your mistake, commit to changing that – that’s the way forward, to see if your relationship can be saved and made better. But you’ll have to both sit down and talk very honestly about how you feel, and what you want from each other and your relationship. You might find a way to reconcile your agendas, you might find you are at the end of the road. Maybe he already decided, but it’s worth another try.

  192. Limbo says:

    Well this didn’t help at all. I have been in love before and didn’t know it. This was my first love at 27, (The only one I realised), and I have had to face the cold reality that I will never, ever love again. It was painful from the beginning. I have no idea why any culture would glorify love. By all means, please, if you want to do something that makes you utterly stupid, go ahead. I’m never doing it again. It puts you in pain. That’s all it is, and its not good pain, its devastating pain. If I ever feel like I’m falling in love again, I think I’ll just hang myself from my balcony. There’s no way I’m doing this ever again.

    • Petra says:

      Unfortunately there is no way to avoid pain when it comes to close relationships. When we love, we are vulnerable – so there is always a possibility of getting hurt. If you close yourself to pain, you will close yourself to love. And you will still miss it, this need for love and closeness never goes away. Better deal with your reaction to pain, that’s how you’ll make yourself resilient and strong. Running away from pain never works, it catches up with you at some other place.

  193. Tina says:

    Hi Petra, I posted about two months ago regarding my situation. It was a long distance relationship and he told me he met someone else and wanted a pursue a relationship with her instead even after I had already booked my plane ticket to see him in a few months time. I tried to cut him out of my life to move on but it was too hard so we had still been emailing occasionally. Recently he asked if he could still see me while I am visiting his country and I agreed because I missed him dearly and admit that I hoped by seeing me he would change his mind. A few days later he posted a photo of himself with a new girl and I’m sure it’s the girl he left me for. I was devastated even though I knew he had moved on. I emailed him to tell him I no longer wanted to meet him because I have not moved on and it would hurt me too much. He responded saying he was devastated to hear he had hurt me and wanted to take time to respond. He however still asked me about my itinerary and said he would respect my decision if I did not see him and said that was my decision. I miss him so much and don’t want to lose his friendship so I changed my mind and said I would see him. It’s been a week and he has not responded. I genuinely would like to remain friends and see him while I am visiting. I know I am the type that can hide my feelings and not let it affect my relationships because friendship is more important to me than lost love. Can you please give me some much needed guidance on how to proceed? Should I email him again to see if he still wants to meet me? I don’t want to lose him as a friend because of my selfish feelings. I know I am happy if he is happy. Please help 🙁

    • Petra says:

      Hey there. I think you should cut him off. He wants to be friends (even though he doesn’t act like one), but you want to be with him. Seeing him and staying in touch will just be torture for you. Stopping contact (all contact, even social media and texting and everything) is going to hurt too, but you will get over him sooner. Think about all the wonderful boys you could be meeting and falling in love with if you stop focusing all your energy and emotions on this clueless dude. He doesn’t even know he is hurting you so much. Why give him any more of your time and love? They are both precious. Take care!

  194. AJ says:

    I think I have the saddest love story ever, two people met online, everything lined up and matched up for both of us. There was even random music, fireworks and a shooting star the night we met face to face, June 6 2012. For the next year of our lives we had everything we wanted in a relationship and talked of future plans together and it was a perfect match. Then out of no where the man who wanted a child for so long suddenly had a seven year old out of no where that looked just like him. He knew of the pregnancy and tolde about it. When her friends suggested a paternity test because she had also been with the father of her two boys he agreed. She packed up and moved back to the boys dads states away the day of the test while he was at work. He made efforts to contact and she never responded. Contact was made via Facebook 7 years later. He was ecstatic about the child but very anxious and nervous about her mother. Mom called me 3 days later and told me she was still in love with him and hated how great a realtionshi we had. I tried to console and help her in many ways even to take her resume around to help her find work close to us so they could coparent the child. She began manipulating things and finally demanded I not be a part of her daughters life. The only way for him to have a chance to gain any ground with his daughter was for him to jump through her hoops otherwise she tainted the image of Dad to daughter without him having a fair chance to establish a relationship with her. I willingly left. I seen no place in their future for myself. We cried and cried together for weeks about all of this. I left, she came and she tormented me for 2 years. Partly because he called me at difficult times. She had expectations of him falling out of love with me and in love with her overnight. Obviously that didn’t happen. And she carried the violence she endured and probably provoked from the boys dad over to their now relationship which made him reach out more. He and I both finally agreed no communication any more. But walking away from loving someone and knowing they loved you had made it quite difficult to move on. There’s so much more to this cliffnotes version but I’m sure you get the idea. I just want to be free from it all to stop picking everyone apart that crosses my path and kicking them to the curb before even giving them a chance. I’ve tried it all.

    • Petra says:

      It’s really not your fault, as I see it. He should have put the boundaries around your relationship and protected you from her. I suppose he wanted to get close to his daughter, but destroying your relationship for it was not the way to do it. That makes him responsible. He didn’t know how to deal with that situation in a grown up way, and you suffered for it. Ultimately – he showed you what he’s made of, which is a good thing for you. Learn from that mistake, and look for a man who will treat you with love and respect. No need to pick apart everyone, this was just a lesson – not a message that all men are like him.

  195. Blake says:

    Well, I don’t know how to start off with this.. I fell in love for the first time with this girl over the internet and now my heart is broken and i don’t know what to do with myself. Im 18 years old and i met this girl online and for almost a year we been talking on Skype every single day for 8+ hours and we live 30+ hours away from each other. And just last Sunday she stopped talking to me. I asked her why but she wont tell me. I love this girl to death. She is in her 20’s she has a boyfriend and a baby but i still love her. I don’t want to move on because every time i talk to her its like nothing else matters she makes it all go away i tried talking to other girls but its just not the same 🙁 While im writing this i am crying. I know i will never find someone as great at this girl. I care for her SO much but it seems like she doesn’t care that much for me or love me that much even though she says she does. I just don’t know what to do anymore i feel like just laying in my bed and not eating or drinking anything and just die off. We are best friends and we would watch movies together, We would laugh and have the best time ever and now its all gone :'( I don’t feel like doing anything but talking to her. I don’t want to go out and do anything because i want to be home in case she calls me on Skype. Im so nice to her im there for her when ever she needs me but it seems like she only really wants to talk to me when she is down and after she talks to me she just is ether mean to me or ignores me or talks to someone else and not me. And it is the worst feeling in the world. She makes me feel so happy when i talk to her that i don’t want to do anything else but talk to her. I need help please please please. Thank you anyone and everyone for reading this.

    • Petra says:

      You are not in love, you are addicted to the good feeling you get from talking to her. She is someone who understands you – she cares, she gives you attention, listens to you. But it’s really not about her at all, it’s the need you have that she currently fulfills. You want to be heard, seen, understood. That is what you’re craving, not her. It’s the feeling you get from her (currently) – but you can get it from other people too. I know you think now it’s her or nothing, but honestly – what can someone who lives far away, has a boyfriend and a child give you? It’s not possible for you to be together – and even if she wanted to be just your friend – there are no real, strong, meaningful relationships that are purely based online. You’d have to meet, spend some time together, put this relationship into the real world. That’s where true connections and true love happen. Why not try make some relationships with people who live around you? I am sure there are girls around who are as lonely and longing for love as you are. You need to reach out and socialise, get to know someone without apps and chats, and that will make all the difference. Take care.

  196. Imani says:

    I would like to let you know how this article has helped me to move on. My wife of 5 years left me for another woman. I had no idea the infidelity was even going on. She started to act different, said she was depressed, told me it was all my fault that our marriage was failing, then abruptly moved out while I was on a weekend trip. I thought that I wanted her back. I was reading everything I could get my hands on to win her back and make her see that she was making a big mistake. Once she told me that she wanted to a pursue a life with the other woman, I gave up. I decided to do what I could to move on. And your article was one of the websites I bookmarked to jumpstart my healing. I stopped talking to her and blocked all communication. I also meditated, prayed, spoke to a counselor weekly. I traveled a lot during my healing. I vented to all my friends because I didn’t want to bog one friend down on a daily basis. I spent time with family. And I spent time alone. I made a list of what I was grateful for and what I was looking forward to in my life. I even went on a dating site to make new friends and have a distraction. Before I started dating, I made a list of about 50 things that I wanted in my next partner. Well, everything helped because I started dating and found a woman who meets all of my requirements except two of them. Both of them she is working on. I realized that I can’t change why she left me. I can only change my perspective on it. I filed for a divorce about six months later. And the divorce was granted one month after that. A couple months after the divorce, my ex-wife has now realized that the woman she was pursuing is not who she wants and she now wants to be with me. Too bad. I’ve moved on emotionally. And now, I feel like my ex-wife is pathetic. I tried to tell her before I filed for a divorce that she was making a mistake. The only response she had was that only time will tell. Well time told on her. She is now miserable. And I’m loving life without her. I thought we were meant to be because we got along so well. But, as I look back, I was tolerating her because I loved her. Now, Im really happy with all aspects of my life. Even as recent as last week, she called to ask me could she come back home. My home is much more peaceful without her here. Sometimes you just don’t know what you are tolerating until you don’t have to tolerate it anymore. I know that if I can get over my divorce and come out feeling better than ever, anybody can. It just takes a decision and then work. My focus was to become a better person and learn from my experience. I am doing both and Im so thankful for the five years I spent with her. That chapter has closed and I’ve moved on.

    • Petra says:

      Thank you so much for sharing your story! It’s very inspiring and I truly hope it will help other readers see how changing your perspective changes everything. I am glad you found new love and peace of mind. Take care.

  197. steph says:

    Everything in your article resonated with me to a certain point, unlike what you stated, in my situation my now ex-boyfriend and I know that we both truly love each other. He decided he needed to end things because he isn’t ready to settle down and he still needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life.

    Our situation is a bit unique because our relationship was long distance for about a year. We live in separate states but we would visit each other every month. After a while, he confessed he couldn’t handle the long distance anymore. He is my best friend and first love, I can’t imagine my life without him. I told him about my thoughts to relocate to where he is (Because I want to get out of my state also) and he thinks it’s a great idea but he wasn’t willing to continue the long distance until that happened. He said there would be a possibility of us working on things if I moved down there but he didn’t want to be the one to influence such a life changing decision when he couldn’t say yes with confidence that he would be ready to be with me again. We know that we love each other and he wants to remain in contact, as do I, because we both have hope that in the future we can be together again. I know he needs his space and time to get his life together, but I also don’t want him to move on because I’m not ready or willing to do so. I’m hurting really badly right now since this was so recent and it wasn’t very mutual, I would’ve done whatever it took to be by his side. However, I am also understanding now that we both need space to figure ourselves out so we can have a better chance at being together again.

    I need an outside perspective and would really appreciate some advise on my situation.

    • Petra says:

      I think he wants out but thinks it will hurt you less if he says he isn’t ready for commitment – wrong approach! But many people say things they don’t mean, just to avoid painful discussions and facing the uncomfortable aftermath of their partner falling apart. So this way he can phase you out without having to endure the full blow of your pain at once. Unfortunately that’s the only explanation that makes sense – because, if we truly love someone we want them beside us, no matter what. We are committed to figure out a way to be together because we want that person in our life. That’s how you feel. You are willing to move and risk all your current life setup for him. He doesn’t want you to do it – because he knows he doesn’t want to be with you any more. He loves you, but he doesn’t love you enough. And his feelings are probably more platonic now. I don’t know how young you both are but it could be he’s not ready for full commitment because he doesn’t want to get that serious yet – which again translates to him just wanting to pursue a couple more relationships or single fun without attachment, which is not what you want from him. So, it is time for you to accept that reality and move on. If you want to heal faster, you’ll have to cut it off completely – it will hurt like hell but it is the way to go. Keeping in touch and hoping is a waste of time. He will do whatever he wants, and you will suffer while he tells you about his new love interests directly or via some social network. If he wants to resume your relationship – he can always come back. But in the meantime, stop all contact for self-preservation. If you keep in touch he will not know what he lost, so he won’t feel compelled to rethink his decision. Whatever happens, you lose (short term) – but long term cutting him off is a much much better option, at least you will start to move on sooner – and if he comes back you are free to choose whether you want him back or not. Chances are, once you’re over him – you’ll see him in a much more realistic way and you probably won’t want him anymore. First love is a beautiful thing – but since we have nothing to compare it with, we often give it way too much significance.

  198. Tyler says:

    Sorry that this story is so long, if anyone reads it, thanks for your time.

    My girlfriend and I were together almost two years. We had our fair share of issues and we broke up once because we didn’t talk about how we felt. The second time around, we communicated everything. Almost to the point of it seeming like everything I did was wrong, but I always tried my best to make our relationship work and to better myself.

    A month ago, she broke up with me after distancing herself (and I knew something was wrong and I tried to get info out of her but didn’t get anything), I was to go to breakfast with her and her family and she said I can choose to come or not. I did go, and things felt a little awkward between her and I, but we still held hands, and I even went to the mall with her and some of her family for a few hours.

    I just wanted time alone with her to talk about what was wrong, and whenever I got a feeling like something wasn’t right, I started to distance myself from her. We eventually got to her place to talk, just us, and she said that she doesn’t feel in love anymore because of things in the past (I never cheated on her, but she insists I was flirting with an old high school friend, who had and still has a boyfriend).

    I was devastated and tried for the whole month to try and fix things. I got her flowers but she didn’t want to accept them because she didn’t want to lead me on, and only accepted them when she heard I couldn’t return them. We met up twice and spent a few hours together the first time, got dinner and watch a tv marathon and cuddled a little here and there, but she kept saying we couldn’t do that.

    The second time, I brought a video game over that she wanted to play with me and we played for like 4 hours. She was drinking and we got a lot closer and she said she missed me and wanted me to promise not to go be with any other girls until she figured out how she felt. Naturally, I agreed to that because I didn’t want to be with anyone else, and she promised the same but the next day, she said she shouldn’t have made me promise that and she was just emotional because of the drinking, but I don’t think that the alcohol can be to blame for how close we got that night.

    Now, she has distanced herself again and doesn’t want me to be at her play, even though she did want me there and she kept the fact that she went on a date with a guy that she has known longer than me, and that texted her like 50% of the time we were together talking about how suicidal he is. It’s been a month and she has already been on a date with this guy. They aren’t anything a like and he is religious. She is not.

    I told her that I need time away from talking to her cause she has changed so much and is treating me like crap, no matter how hard I try to make things better. I keep feeling like there is something that I can do to change things but I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t know if she will text me or call me realizing the error of her ways.

    I love this girl a lot and I know that we both aren’t perfect, but I just feel like there is hope but she is trying to deny it and by going on a rebound date, trying to move on. It really sucks a lot.

    • Petra says:

      She is not in denial, you are. If she loved you she’d be all over you. She’s just keeping in touch until she finds a new guy, because it’s nice to have someone adore you even if you don’t want to be with them. Trust me, this girl is over you. It’s time to move on.

  199. Bilson says:

    I have known this guy for 4 yrs, he spent the first 3 years asking me out and telling me how much he loves me and stuff. I ignored him all those times because I was in a relationship but my relationship ended n I’d gotten over it and there he was, making me feel like I was his heartbeat. We started talking again and I realised I had this feeling for him that just won’t go away so we started dating and it was the best moments of my life. I was extremely happy and relaxed with him, we could share our feelings without thinking about how corny it sounds, we din ve to go out to have fun, we could be home n mostly not even talking but knowing each person was ryt here was close enough but everything changed, I realised he kept to himself, whenever something was up, he’d rather brush it off or ignore me instead of talking about it, I was constantly the only one asking to see him, If he was sick, I’d be there to check on him n take care of him but if I was, he’d even forget about it . He forgets my birthday and gets pissed that I celebrated it n din remind him meanwhile he remembers his female friends birthdays and even put their pics on his whatsapp to celebrate them n gets upset n make me feel like I’m crazy for having a problem with that. If I don’t call him a whole day or two, he wouldn’t n it was not like that in the beginning. I tried to talk to him about everything that’s happening and how it made me feel and he told me, he’s not sure what he wants. He says he feels weird about the way he feels about me, he’s in love with me, he’s happy when he’s with me, he misses me when I’m gone but when I leave, he doesn’t feel like I’m his anymore. For me his actions and his words are different. Sometimes the thought of it drives me crazy, I tell him I deserve more than that and I break up with him n I find myself calling first thing in the morning (this happened 3 tyms).Sometimes I get frustrated cos I’m not the kind of girl to drool over a man, usually I don’t care if they are there or not, I usually didn’t feel anything, you cn stay or leave n I’m ok with that. But this is different, the emotion is overwhelming, I Cnt concentrate on anything, it’s Jux him n I figured now that I have feelings for him he’s laid back, doesn’t feel the need to do anything anymore. I don’t like his attitude n I don’t like the relationship ryt now but I Cnt find the strength to walk away . I want to be able to walk away, I want that more than anything but I Cnt bring myself to and worse, he’s not even trying to stop me . How did I move from feeling nothing for him to feeling so much?

    • Petra says:

      Would you rather be feeling nothing or something? It doesn’t really qualify as ‘love’ if you don’t care if your boyfriend stays or leaves. You’ve developed feelings for this guy, that’s good. That means that you can feel connection and belonging. I know it doesn’t feel that great right now, but it’s great you can feel a true bond with someone, it means you can feel it again, with someone else. Why is he distant – I don’t know. Maybe he is the type of guy that loves the chase and once he gets what he wants, loses interest. Maybe he’s just not into you any more and he doesn’t know how to communicate that. Maybe he is in love, but that’s not the level/intensity you’ve experienced at the beginning. The only way you can find that out is talk to him, get completely honest about how you feel and ask him to do the same. Playing hot/cold only gets you so far, and usually makes us more confused and frustrated. Better find out the truth sooner than later. If he refuses to talk or gives you vague answers, you can safely conclude he isn’t interested any more. A person in love is very keen to keep their partner, and will show it with their actions as well as their words.

  200. Bettyh says:

    My relationship was with a man who actually treated me very well. He was courteous, kind, attentive, and attractive, everything I was looking for in a man. The thing is, I didn’t know it, but he was still in love with his ex. As soon as she heard he had started a new relationship (with me) she wanted him back, and he left me. The rug was pulled out from under me and my trust was totally shattered. I have been hurt by men before but never like this. We had slept together more than once, and in fact he told me (over text) the very next day he was getting back with her because he didn’t want to regret not knowing if their relationship would work. They were together for 2 months, and broke up again. He contacted me and told me how sorry he was for what he did to me and asked for a second chance. I did not give him a second chance because I simply didn’t trust him. He is now back once again with this other girl. Why does this hurt so bad?

    • Petra says:

      You trusted him, and he betrayed your trust. I think you’re not so much disappointed with him, but you’re disappointed with yourself – how come you didn’t see it coming? It happens to all of us, unfortunately. Sometimes you have to risk getting your heart broken, it’s not always easy to know that early on if it’s the real thing. This guy was so great on paper, he treated you great, no wonder you thought he was it. Turns out he was not just lying to you, he was lying to himself too. He was trying hard to make you fall for him (and succeeded), while his heart was in another place. That’s not the man you want to be with, and I think you are right for not trusting him the second time. He’s confused about what he feels, and you don’t want to date someone who keeps you as backup – until his ex comes calling again. The good thing about this experience for you is – you’ll be more careful next time before you give your heart to someone. Don’t stop trusting men, they are not all like him, but once you meet a new guy you really like, make sure he doesn’t have skeletons in his closet before you dive in heart first. Ask, talk, hold back a bit (don’t build up your expectations) until he proves he is truly in it for you.

  201. jen says:

    Petra, I am also having struggles with a man. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible
    I was married, in a sexless, loveless marriage. I met a man that changed my life.
    In my 38 years, I have not felt that comfortable, safe, and loved. We fell in love pretty quickly.
    As soon as the reality of the potential of our relationship set in (divorce, family, blending families) he broke it off.
    I was devastated. We continued to talk off and on for the next few months. He was just “scared”. We stopped talking for a while and then he text me a month later about how much he missed me. We saw each other, and then again, the “fear” was back for him. He didn’t know what he wanted. That was it. I told him I wouldn’t just be on the side thing for him. We didn’t talk for another few weeks. Something would happen: a song would play, a reminder of him…and then our of nowhere he would text asking how I was, or with some random “excuse” to text me. We text about 4weeks ago and he said how sorry he was for hurting me, how I was the most amazing woman he’s ever known, the most perfect for him…and he f**ked it up and doesn’t know why he can’t just commit to me. I thanked him and agreed that what we had was amazing. I said we should “lose each other’s phone number” and he said “I can’t do that, I won’t do that.”.

    I left the conversation at that, not knowing what to say anymore. He text one more time about the kids (our kids are in the same school) and I didn’t answer. Trying to be strong and just stay away. A few more weeks after that, and after a weekend of absolute crushing feelings of missing him (yes, even when we don’t talk for weeks, I miss him terribly), i text a girlfriend about how badly I need to text him, I missed him. She don’t and stay strong. Well…literally 11 minutes after that exchange, he texts. Something casual, about our girls and school…but turns into him telling me that he’s driven by my house a few times. We saw each other twice that week – at school functions. He hugged me (like it’s all I’ll ever need is in that hug) and told me he misses me so much, thinks of me all the time, still scare of those things…but then, those things are all just excuses. But he’s still scared. We went for drinks to talk last night. He said he doesn’t want to stay away, we got on the same page of expectations. We both feel that our relationship is the most fulfilling, sexually, lovingly, in every way possible (I should mention that we have not “hooked up” to have sex outside of when we were actually together) He said it’s not about the sex, while it’s incredible and he wants me, we can’t do that outside of a relationship because it means more than that. He didn’t want to make any decisions last night because we were both drinking. I am at a crossroads. Let this just play out and continue to just try to date around (which no one compares to him) or just cut it off completely and move on? Your advice is so greatly appreciated! And to anyone else that will offer advise…but please nothing hurtful.

    • Petra says:

      If he is not ready, he is not ready. That’s the reality and it’s hard to predict when or if that will change. He is afraid to wreck his life for you – read between the lines: you are not more precious to him than what he has now – or what he could lose. If you stick around, you’ll probably stay the mistress until one of you is fed up with that relationship. If you don’t want that, cut all contact, and see if he misses you enough to actually make a decision to spend his life with you. I think that is the most efficient way to see if he is truly into you. This way he has you at arms length and he doesn’t have to make a decision – as long as you play along, he can have you and his current family life. I didn’t understand from your note whether you’re still married or not – you said you might want to date around so I guess you are single now. It will probably be fruitless until you get him out of the system – emotionally.

      • jen says:

        I do want to make clear that he is NOT married. And has been divorced for 2 years before I met him.
        I am no longer married as well.
        It may be best to cut all contact and if I do that – should I give him the “I wish you the best. goodbye” text message – or just not ever respond to another one of his texts.
        Thank you again so very much.

        • Petra says:

          Oh I misread that. Well I think if he is single and not ready that’s an even bigger reason to move on. You want a man to want you now and for real, without a doubt – just like you want him. How should you cut contact? However you feel is best!

  202. kay says:

    Hi,
    I really like your post and I have been reading a lot of those for the last days hoping to feel better because 10 days ago my boyfriend left me and I feel so heart broken.
    We met 1.5 years ago in the country he is from and started dating and fell in love. After a while I had to leave because I was going to start a new job in another country. We didn’t give each other any promises because we didn’t even know if we would ever see each other again. But our love was strong and we kept on talking every day. After 3 months he made the decision to move to the country where I was living I was the happiest person in the world. He came here and we moved together and it was just perfect! Of course we sometimes had little arguments but nothing major ever and I honestly never felt so in love with anyone else! With him I felt like I could be 1000% me.
    A while ago I had to leave for 3 months because of my visa. It was hard for me but we decided that it would be worth it because then we could keep on living in the country.While I was gone we still talked every day but I felt much less supported. He had a great time, met great new friends and just enjoyed his life. He missed me but I think not as much as I missed him.
    When I came back 2 months ago it was all good again but he was definitely giving me less attention. He still told me he loved me though. Now 10 days ago he broke up with me. He had been ignoring me for some days and I just forced him now to tell me what was going on.
    He told me that he thought about it a lot. He still loves me so much and that is why it is really hard but he feels like he needs to be alone at this stage of our lifes. He also thinks I am too dependant on him and that I have to be happy without him.
    I think I am a very happy person. I was enjoyiong my life to the fullest before I met him and wasn’t looking for love. With him my life has been even better.
    He is currently working in a restaurant, didn’t finish his studies yet and is trying to figure his life out. I think I is important that he does that but it hurts me soo much that he doesn’t think I could support him with that.
    He stopped all contact with me, blocked me on facebook and moved out. I feel like he just wants to make it easier for him and he is trying to prove to himself that it was the right decision. He told me and also some of his and my friends that hestill loves me so much. And his friend told me that he was crying and has not been the same positive person like before. He also snapped at his friend and got really angry at something really insignificant. He never did that before.

    I don’t know what to do. I wish I could just let him go but at the same time I don’t want to. I still love him so much and form what I heard and what he told me he also still loves me. He just wants to make it easier for him and by blocking me from everything he doesn’t have to face it.
    I know that I can’t convince him to come back. I already tried everything and cried a lot in front of him when he left me. That is why I won’t contact him anymore. I know he needs time and I know it is good for me to have time as well but it is sooo hard and I just wish nothing of this had happened.
    I hope he just realizes what he did and listens to his feelings. He feels lonely and lives in a hostel at the moment. His friend also told him that he had everything. A gf who loves him, a great home, a job….but he decided to leave this all.
    I am afraid that he will just forget me because he tries so hard to make it the right decision.

    Not having him in my life feels horrible. Not being able to talk to him, to sleep next to him, not being able to do all the things we planned to do.

    I am already trying to distract myself, meeting new people, planning holidays, working hard….but I feel like everything I do would be better if we still had each other. I probably leave my job in about 6 months and then go travelling for a year. I know that will be great (but again I would prefer doing it with him as we planned). And I am also afraid that if I leave completely he will just forget me once and for all.
    I just can’t imagine feeling so free with anyone else again!!

    It would be awesome to get some opinions on this. Because I think I just cant see it clear at all at the moment.

  203. Nicola says:

    Hi Petra. I hope its not too late to join. I was in a relationship for 9 years with my first love which ended badly 2 years ago because of how he treated me and he had began messaging a girl who was a teenager behind my back because “she doesn’t argue or get annoyed with me”. He was not very nice to be after we broke up and we went back and forth until last year when I had started to move on he decided he had had a “realization” of how he had treated me and promised me all these thing.. which never happened. we then decided to be friends, we have met up a few times and ive been his support when he needs help and we message everyday. we have discussed our feelings etc and discussed getting back together in the future. a month ago we discussed moving forward and I told him I still loved him. hes now told me he is messaging a girl that he thinks is “okay” and that he wants to move on because me and him do not get on well enough and again, he likes her because she “doesn’t get annoyed easily or argue”. I asked him if he feels anything for me and he said he still does and wants to give it a chance but hes scared. he said if he knew hed lose me forever he wouldn’t have told me about the girl. I asked him to make a choice and to choose me and he now needs time to think.. this was 4 days ago. He has left me waiting and i dont know when, if at all, he will contact me with a decision.What on earth do I do? He doesn’t seem bothered or understand why im upset but gets annoyed at me when I say how I feel. if he doesn’t want me why doesn’t he just be honest? Why has he given me such false hope for so long when hes known me for 12 years.. I thought I meant more to him than that.

  204. Raj says:

    Hi petra,
    I was in love with ex for 10 years.
    We were so much in love. But she is married to someone else last month, i was devastated.
    She told me this last year that she has to break up with me bcs we both are in different religion. And it will not work out. So i broke up..but relatively we were still talking like normal..
    And we still love each other..but now she has completely ignored me. And i know she has no choice.
    I miss her daily, she can’t get out of my mind.
    The feeling of she is with someone else kills me. Please give me some advice…

    • Petra says:

      She’s made her choice – however painful it is, seems that was easier for her. What to do? You’ll have to move on and find what you had with her with someone else. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have it in you to love someone deeply so just trust you’ll find it again, just be mindful that religion is a big obstacle to love, it’s one of those things that is very hard to reconcile no matter how much you love each other. Once children come into the picture, how will you decide which religion they will follow? It’s just better to avoid that issue completely when choosing a partner, unless you are ready for big compromises. Please read this post I wrote it with exactly those issues in mind – it will help you understand why she did what she did:They don’t want us to be together. When it comes to mending your broken heart – it will take time, but please just look into the future, not the past. Think about how much you can give to a girl who will be ready and able to spend her life with you, and things will come into place.

  205. Taryn says:

    Hi,
    I have recently split up with my girlfriend (we are a gay couple). She has bi polar and a son which for me was a lot to take on.
    When we were together we were inseparable and perfect, you couldn’t fault us for the love that we had for each other. We supported each other through so many ups and downs that would tear any normal relationship apart. We were only together for around 6 months when her bi polar kicked in.
    When that happened we ended up arguing which we never used to do, and at that point it just escalated out of control. We would have some good days and some bad days, but most of the time they were bad days. I got to a point where I could not handle how bad things had become and the things that she was saying and doing so I ended it. I didn’t want the relationship to end but at the back of my mind I thought that it would be a perfect wake up call for her …………..well it was the opposite.
    She became very distant from me and went on to tell me that she didn’t love me anymore and that she couldn’t and wouldn’t try and work out what was going on between us. I am absolutely heartbroken. I even begged for her back which took all my pride and dignity away from me which made me resent her because she just stood there and watched.
    Since then we have had a few very brief conversations as she has pretty much cut me out of her life. All of which end in the same way, me hoping that there is a chance for us to get back together and to fix things and her telling me that nothing she will say will make it any better.
    I messaged her about a week and a half ago saying that I missed her of which she just ignored me. But she messaged me yesterday asking how I was, this has completely thrown me and how am I going to get over her if she pops up every now and then? I don’t want to lose her but I can’t be her friend and I have told her that.
    Please advise on what you think 

  206. Arielle says:

    When I met my ex I was just getting out of another relationship so I was in the rebound stage and to tell you the truth I didn’t even like nor attracted to him. But when I met him something just clicked I don’t remember falling in love I just remember how he made me feel I made sure I knew how beautiful and sexy I was. He took care of me. Kissed me, held me, he called me his beautiful queen. I thought this is it I found the man of my dreams. And it slowly started to become bad. He lost his job and we slowly stopped seeing each other and stopped talking then I moved and it got worse whenever I just wanted to talk he would get mad. So I made the mistake of talking to other people and when he found out he basically said that he still loved me and yeah he was mad but he wasn’t going to leave. At this time we were together for a good 4 months and as time went on he stopped caring I guess whenevet he did come and see me the only thing he wanted was sex or sleep. He didn’t care if I enjoyed it anymore. Sometimes he would go in before he prepared me and got me aroused and I would be in pain for a while but I didn’t say anything. Then I remember one day he texted me saying that he got kicked out and he was going back to jersey and thought it wasn’tgoing to work anymore. I was deveststed but he said we would talk more about it later. He never called or texted so I gave up I texted him saying that if he didn’t answer then I knew that we were over he didn’t and I got really depressed for the next week I was talking to random guys doing stuff that I shouldn’t to get him out of my mind. Then I got it call from him he didn’t apologized he just said he has been so stressed out he just forgot to tell Mr he wasn’t leaving. He told me he wasn’t in a good place a d all that so I told him that he could cone live with me and he can borrow a car for work. I guess that’s when I did wrong. The next day I was happy but I was set on not having g sex with him. I remember him texting me saying he was on his way and how much he missed me sexually and that he was coming over there and having sex with me I thought he was just trying to be a goof so I kept saying like no, no sex. But when he got there he told me his friends were outside and he still had to get the rest of his stuff. He didn’t kiss me or hug me or apologized he dropped his stuff and bent me over and relaved hinself. I stayed there trying to ignore the pain while he got what he wanted and he pulled out once he was done. He never made sure I enjoyed it again I ignored it and that’s was basically my sex life with him for our whole relationship. When he moved in it did get better he would cone home for work make sure I was in bed and held me when I slept. But he slowly stopped doing that to. On valentines day I got my nails done and got a new dress, I remember my room are talking about her boyfriend taking her ice skating and to dinner for a movie but when I went hone expecting him to have planned at least something. He told me he didn’t want to go out so we stayed in and he got fast food. The next week he then stopped have sex, even when I asked or told him I would give him oral he said he wasn’t in the mood. Ifelt ugly and unwanted. I soon relized we only did when he wanted to no matter if I wanted it or not. He would always take me from behind and I think it was because he didn’t want to see my face. After every time I we hadsex iI would I’m going to clean up and I would goto the bathroom and cry and sobb I don’t know why and he never knew. But anyways then a few weeks later we found out I was pregnant, I remeber saying yes this will change our relationship, and it didn’t in fact he was mad and disappointed, for the first few weeks he didn’t talk about the baby and finally we got into a fight and he said he wasn’t really into the relationship for awhile he just stayed to see if it would get better that’s when my never ending heart ache started. I would cry and beg and it never would so here I am today 7 months pregnant and still only want him. He asked me to move in with him but only because he would be able to see his daughter if I didn’t. I don’t know what to do. I know he doesn’t want me but I can’t get over him please help

    • Susie says:

      You don’t need this man, you need therapy! What you are describing and feeling is not love, far from it. Please make sure to get help, you have a responsibility to the baby. The baby needs a care taker to depend on, just like you seem to do.

    • Petra says:

      There is no love here, Arielle. This man is bad news. Ask yourself: why do you still want him? He’s been hurting you and mistreating you – abusing you in more ways than one. You’ve given him way too much of your heart and soul, and he’s just walked all over it. You have to start taking care of yourself. The baby will complicate it but you’ll be better off if you cut him out of your life as much as possible. He does not love you, he does not care, he doesn’t know how to. You are hoping he will change if you are good to him but that will not happen. You can’t change him, but you can protect yourself from him and the likes of him. There is no need to let anyone treat you this way. It’s much better to be on your own than with a man who doesn’t love you.

  207. Kevin says:

    I guess I am in the same boat as the rest of the poor souls on here. However my story is a lot more twisted and messed up. I know what I need to do but its so much more difficult to actually leave someone and erase them from your mind. Well.. I met this girl nearly 6 years ago, never before had I felt so attracted and in love with someone. We dated for 3 months before she told be that she is getting married to her boyfriend who I didn’t know about before! She told me she loves me and I believed her.. I was in love and couldn’t bear the thought of losing her so stupidly decided to stay friends with her. Her marriage didn’t last long, even though she gave it a good chance but I guess having me on the ‘side’ did help her in making her decision. I stayed loyal to her whilst she was married, didn’t date anyone or met anyone per say. Her attitude towards me changed soon after her marriage ended, she became quite argumentative and changed as a person but I stayed by her and even though I had opportunities to move on I couldn’t bring myself up to leaving her knowing she had ended her marriage for me.. lets me honest! Anyways, a year on things became better and we were happy and normal again. I wanted to settle down and asked her to marry me but she just wasn’t ready and wanted more time. As time passed by I became more persistent with my requests for us to get married, she was sort of ready but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it. It had been nearly 3 years since she ended her marriage. Anyways, I was getting very frustrated, as I was being told by family and friends that she isn’t serious or sincere and that i needed to move on. So nearly 5 months ago I ended our relationship and started dating. She tried to contact me a few times but I had made up my mind and was very clear to her. I eventually met someone who wanted to settle down too, feeling a little guilty I called my ex up telling her that I was going to get married. She went a bit hysterical and begged me to not go ahead with. I had never felt such emotions from her, it was probably the first time in all our time I felt a real deep connection. As much as I wanted to pull out I couldn’t as it was too late. I got married but kept thinking of my ex, i know it was totally wrong. I started arguing with my wife and it got to a point where i couldn’t stand to be with her, only 3 weeks into our marriage! During this time i was in touch with my ex who kept on reassuring me or rather screwing with my brain/heart that she would wait for me how ever long it takes! I believed her, and thats probably the biggest mistake i have made in my life. I went ahead and filed for divorce. While this was ongoing I started contacting my ex more often in order to get reassurances from her. She was well aware of what I was doing for her and that there were no other reasons behind it. As soon as the divorce came through, my ex’s attitude changed towards me, she wouldn’t give me time in person or over the phone and ignored my messages. She does have a bad habit of lying but I never thought she would go this far. Everytime I asked her to sit down and talk to me, she would simply turn around and blame me for ditching her and moving on with someone else and that she needs time to clear her head. As I began to look into it more, I found out she had been dating someone ever since the time we broke up. She was away on holiday with him when I filed for my divorce, believe me, the first thing i asked her before I even decided to end my marriage was ‘are you with someone, have you moved on?’ to which she replied, ‘no not at all, I am hurt but I love you’. Anyhow as it stands today, she is off with this other guy, I know but she tells me she is just busy with family and clearing her mind. She doesn’t answer my calls or replies my messages but hates it when i block her or drop her completely. I have disappointed and hurt so many people, it makes me sick. I know i have to pull it together and start again, I know she doesn’t love me, she is sleeping around with someone else and that I have ended my marriage believing she loves me as much as I do. I have not been able to talk about this with anyone, family or friends, as i don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I guess writing it down helps as it make you think back and reflect on your mistakes. Part of me wants sit down with her face and face and hear her reasons so I can move on but she doesn’t want to see me. I am sure she has a different take on the situation, but I still love her. I am struggling to block her out, I am hurt and in denial that she would deceive me as she has but more so deeply sorry for my ex-wife, she didn’t deserve this.

    • Susie says:

      I am not a therapist, just a poor heartbroken soul like everybody else here. Anyways, I like to share my impression of the story you told: It seems to me like you and the woman you have been entangled with for so many years both suffer from fear of intimacy.

      You became so attracted to her, because she was not a real “threat”, you knew deep inside she would never be truly available. Also, she prevents you from coming close to anybody else, which means she keeps you “protected”, which is why it is hard for you to let her go.

      Perhaps she loves you, but she doesn’t seem to be willing to work on her issues, she has found other ways to satisfy her needs of intimacy. I hope you will address your needs and become available/ authentic to other women, which is the true way to find availability/intimacy with someone else.

      This is like I said, only my impression. You, and you alone, can really know.

      I myself, suffer from fear of intimacy, and it is awful. I wish you the best of luck!

      • Petra says:

        Oh you were much nicer to him then I was 🙂 Thank you for your insight, well said! I hope it will help Kevin see both he and his on-off love need to work on their own issues first before they can become good partners.

    • Petra says:

      This is what happens when you date and marry people for all the wrong reasons. You both did it and hurt each other and other people in the process. If you can’t see how bad all that is – cheating, marrying people on a whim, playing with people’s feelings, compulsive lying – I guess you can’t see she is not capable of loving anyone. She “loves” you only when she can’t have you. I am not sure you’re in love with her either, you’re in love with the drama – the only real connection you felt was when she was desperately begging you to take her back. That’s not love.

  208. Kaitlin says:

    I’m madly in love with my boyfriend. He has told me many times that I’m the one for him, and we’re gonna get married one day, and that I was made for him. I’ve had to stay with him for a week or two because my home life wasn’t the best. The day that I was suppose to go back home he told me he needed a break to think about things because I was smothering him from staying ther . He said he felt like a 50 year old man and we were married. (Were both in our early twenties) I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to loose him because I love him so much and we get along so good.

    • Petra says:

      Seems he thinks your relationship is too serious for your age. That could be a sign he isn’t ready to commit, and he wants out. If that’s the case, I don’t think you’ll be able to persuade him otherwise. But for now, wait until he comes back with his decision. There is nothing you can do until he decides, only wait – the ball is in his court.

  209. Spontaneous Adventurer says:

    Hi Petra,
    I hope you can help me out a little bit. Over the summer, I had a bit of a summer romance. We are still in college. At first, we hung out as friends. I had liked him from the first day I met him but didn’t let him know. He goes to school in So Cal while I go to school in Nor Cal but we were both back home for the summer. When we were hanging out, he mentioned to me how he isn’t looking for a relationship at the moment with anyone because he is going back to school in LA. At this time, we were both still just friends. Then we started to text more and I can feel maybe he liked me back. We spent more time together and it always felt like he was interested. Flash forward to when we watched a movie together, we were very intimate and he attempted to kiss me. But I rejected it. I knew I liked him too much and I remembered what he said about not wanting a relationship. So in my mind, he wants a summer fling. So I told him I can’t do a summer fling, and he said he is just a go with the flow type of guy. After this movie night, he slowly distanced himself from me. We are still friends and will talk intermittently but that’s about it. We are both back at school and about 400 miles away from each other. However, I still can’t get over him… In my mind, the memories play back all the time. It’s already been about 2-3 months. He is constantly in my head. I know this sounds so silly and like a childish game. But what should I do? Looking forward to hearing your reply!

    Best,
    a spontaneous adventurer

    • Petra says:

      It was fun while it lasted. What should you do? Focus on things that are closer to home, and boys who want the same as you. There is no magical solution, but if you understand he was just one possible guy for you it will be easier to get out of that fantasy-loop.

  210. Mariella says:

    Hi Petra

    After being in a relationship with a narcissist, it took me almost 2 years to finally move on and date the right way. I met a nice guy who actually approached me.. we talked for almost 3 weeks(everyday all day) about everything, He visited me from NY and we had 3 wonderful days. He basically lift me off my feet. He wanted a relationship and before he left to NY i told him that yes lets be official. But a few hours later, instead of getting a text with “hi love” he texted me with “Mariella, we need to take things slow” then he proceeded to tell me that he was still heart broken and was grieving the break up as it had only been 6 months. they were together for almost 7 yrs and she left him for another man. I understood he needed time to heal. What bothers me is why lead a woman if he wasn’t ready? Now i am here is been a month he told me he could not be with me and here i am still sad and missing him. Another disappointment … what should I do, I want to walk away but something pulls me back. I need to let him be, his trauma and not being emotionally ready is bringing me down.

    Any advice 🙁

    • Petra says:

      Well, people are very vulnerable after a breakup – I am sure you know this too. You want to be loved and love again, but your heart may not be ready. Just bear this in mind next time you meet someone who is freshly out of a relationship, they may not be ready even though they think and say they are. Might very well be he wasn’t lying to you, he was just confused with his feelings. Probably backed off because he is afraid to be hurt again. Maybe this was a test for you too – to see if you’re ready to date and strong enough to take rejection, because it is unfortunately a big part of the dating process. You have to be resilient, and careful – lower your expectations in the first stages of dating – before you are sure the guy means what he says.

  211. Sourav Chakraborty says:

    Hi Petra,

    This is Sourav. I am now a kind of situation that I cant describe. I cant be on me. I loved a girl from last 1 year. Still loves. I trust her more than me, more than my parents. I saw a nice dream around her. But last two weeks before I came to know She doesnt love me. I am becoming so weak now a days. I dont know how to forget her. I stopped connect her. But she still in my mind. Please advice.

  212. Chris says:

    Hey petra,
    I would really need your advice.
    Me and gf, were together for 8 years.
    Now she is married with someone else, and she is pretty much happy with him, i have heard that she has changed all her password from mine and her’s birthday to now to her husbands birthday.
    All this shows that she is indeed in love with her husband.
    But why does she need to keep in touch with me?.
    I have told her many times, to stop contacting me, but recently when she came to visit her parents and was away from her hubby for a week, she called me and start asking how am i?.
    Told her then that please stop all this contacts..
    what does she really wants?

    • Petra says:

      Probably nothing more than keeping you around for “backup”. Don’t think much about it – she’s clearly not in love with you anymore. If she can’t stop contacting you – stop responding, and eventually block her if that doesn’t help. The question is, do you want her to stop? Maybe it’s you who can’t move on.

  213. Elizabeth says:

    Hello Petra, I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband cheated on me 2 years ago it was so hurtful i missed him so much he moved away. he came back to me with sorry i took him back which now im still with my husband, in the meantime when my husbad was gone i met this guy our conversation was so good i got so much attached to him that even though im with my husband i can’t let the my friend go but my friend just all the sudden stop contact with me my friend didn’t know i went back to my husband and it hurts i feel like an actual separation im confused i don’t know why i feel like this. When my husband left i wanted him back so bad and now that I have him back i miss my friend and i don’t know why i feel sad depress. with my friend i had a daily conversation for 2 years even though i was still with my husband.

    • Petra says:

      Seems like you have no idea what you really want. Why did you take your husband back? Is your relationship happier now? Do you want it to last? If yes, then focus on it and work on it. You will forget about your friend eventually. If your marriage isn’t any better, then get out of it. Every decision will have consequences, and you can predict all possible outcomes. But living with one man and dreaming of another is a recipe for unhappiness. So make up your mind and do what feels like the right thing for you.

  214. Anon says: