Finding a partner – easy for some, hard for others: why?
Some people find it very easy to meet new partners and hardly ever have gaps between relationships. It doesn’t matter whether their relationships last for years or months – somehow they manage to never stay single for long and easily meet a new love interest shortly after breaking up: a month or two passes and… poof! – they’re in a new relationship.
If you are not one of them, and it normally takes you longer to find somebody new – maybe a year, or even a few years – you might find it very puzzling, even frustrating. They do not seem to be any more “deserving” to have a relationship than the rest of us – so how do they do it? What is their secret?
SOME CAN’T STAND BEING ALONE
Some of them feel that they must have someone in their lives all the time, so they keep going from one relationship to the next, since they absolutely dread the thought of being single. Their need to be with someone is stronger than desire to have a meaningful relationship. Because of that they hardly break up before they meet someone new, so they appear like they find partners easily: the truth is, they just can’t stand being alone and do everything they can to keep the old relationship, whether they are happy in it or not.
SOME ARE NOT VERY PICKY
Some people just have low expectations and criteria. If you have a short checklist of desired partner qualities, obviously there is more choice of possible matches. This also makes you more likely to fall in love – it is easier to impress you. We’ve all been in that place at some point in our lives: just remember how easy it was when you were a teenager – you could fall in love because you liked someone’s smile, or their cute curls, or their amazing green eyes… you could fall in love with a picture, without even meeting the actual person! Usually with a member of a popular teen band. Or a couple of them.
SOME JUST KNOW THEY’LL FIND IT
But once we come out of teenage years – we normally add more criteria that are based on something more than appearance and physical attraction: personality qualities, lifestyle choices, values, interests – and many other things. In theory, the more things we add to the list – the trickier it becomes to find people who match them. And still, there are some people who can do it easily. They are not needy and afraid of being single, and they have a sizeable checklist. The secret of their success is confidence that they will find what they’re looking for, and that there is enough choice out there for them. They find their partners easily because they are convinced they can!
Usually that confidence comes from previous experiences – if you found it easy to find partners earlier in life, that feeling of success will stay with you and attract more successful events, and it becomes a repeating and self-reinforcing effect. Same works with the opposite: once you had problems finding partners for a while, you might develop a belief that it is hard to find someone, and as a consequence it will be. Your beliefs will become your experience, and then your experience will strengthen your beliefs. And if you add a thought “I will never find someone” on top of that, and start believing in it, it will probably get even worse.
WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THE CONFIDENT ONES?
How to break out of this “vicious circle”? By changing your beliefs – which is not easy, but it is the only long-term efficient way. It requires changing not just your thoughts – but your feelings as well: thinking positive is great, but it is not enough if you don’t feel those thoughts are true. Once you know in your heart you can find love, it will happen for you.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
How hard it is for you to find new partners? Does it take you days, months or years between two relationships … what’s your “average” period between serious relationships? (3y for me!).
Thank you for joining the discussion.