Finding a partner – easy for some, hard for others: why?

finding-oneSome people find it very easy to meet new partners and hardly ever have gaps between relationships. It doesn’t matter whether their relationships last for years or months – somehow they manage to never stay single for long and easily meet a new love interest shortly after breaking up: a month or two passes and… poof! – they’re in a new relationship.

If you are not one of them, and it normally takes you longer to find somebody new – maybe a year, or even a few years – you might find it very puzzling, even frustrating. They do not seem to be any more “deserving” to have a relationship than the rest of us – so how do they do it? What is their secret?

SOME CAN’T STAND BEING ALONE

Some of them feel that they must have someone in their lives all the time, so they keep going from one relationship to the next, since they absolutely dread the thought of being single. Their need to be with someone is stronger than desire to have a meaningful relationship. Because of that they hardly break up before they meet someone new, so they appear like they find partners easily: the truth is, they just can’t stand being alone and do everything they can to keep the old relationship, whether they are happy in it or not.

SOME ARE NOT VERY PICKY

Some people just have low expectations and criteria. If you have a short checklist of desired partner qualities, obviously there is more choice of possible matches. This also makes you more likely to fall in love – it is easier to impress you. We’ve all been in that place at some point in our lives: just remember how easy it was when you were a teenager – you could fall in love because you liked someone’s smile, or their cute curls, or their amazing green eyes… you could fall in love with a picture, without even meeting the actual person! Usually with a member of a popular teen band. Or a couple of them.

SOME JUST KNOW THEY’LL FIND IT

But once we come out of teenage years – we normally add more criteria that are based on something more than appearance and physical attraction: personality qualities, lifestyle choices, values, interests – and many other things. In theory, the more things we add to the list – the trickier it becomes to find people who match them. And still, there are some people who can do it easily. They are not needy and afraid of being single, and they have a sizeable checklist. The secret of their success is confidence that they will find what they’re looking for, and that there is enough choice out there for them. They find their partners easily because they are convinced they can!

Usually that confidence comes from previous experiences – if you found it easy to find partners earlier in life, that feeling of success will stay with you and attract more successful events, and it becomes a repeating and self-reinforcing effect. Same works with the opposite: once you had problems finding partners for a while, you might develop a belief that it is hard to find someone, and as a consequence it will be. Your beliefs will become your experience, and then your experience will strengthen your beliefs. And if you add a thought “I will never find someone” on top of that, and start believing in it, it will probably get even worse.

WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THE CONFIDENT ONES?

How to break out of this “vicious circle”? By changing your beliefs – which is not easy, but it is the only long-term efficient way. It requires changing not just your thoughts – but your feelings as well: thinking positive is great, but it is not enough if you don’t feel those thoughts are true. Once you know in your heart you can find love, it will happen for you.

LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS

How hard it is for you to find new partners? Does it take you days, months or years between two relationships … what’s your “average” period between serious relationships? (3y for me!).

Thank you for joining the discussion.

(UPDATE: comments on this post are closed. Please feel free to contact me via CONTACT or COACHING pages if you have questions on this topic.)

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129 Responses

  1. I always wonder how some people fall out of one relationship and into another – I am not one of those people and sometimes it’s hard because you do think it must be you that is the problem.

    • Hi, thanks for your comment. I would put it this way: when we have a difficult time finding a relationship – we are not the problem, but the problem lies with us. One of the most common problems is in the way we see and value ourselves – usually too little. Once we change that, we start attracting people who can recognise our beauty and love us just the way we are. Since I don’t know you, I would not speculate what would be the right answer for your situation, but I will write more about this topic, so hope you will be able to find some answers for yourself. Thank you for reading.

      • toncica says:

        :-))))))

        • Linda Scott says:

          Hello I am in my late 60s no. Was widowed in my late 50s. I started dating and found love again. I was with my partner for almost eight years and a few weeks ago he said he had found someone else and didn’t think he loved me any more. I am devestated and so unsure of my future now. Have met a few people on a dating site and been on a few dates. There is someone I have met for friendship and that is fine. Still heartbroken and would take my ex back but very unlikely that will happen and now because of my age, so uncertain about the future and cry every day for the lost love.

          • Petra says:

            You can find love at any age, there is no doubt about it. You found it in your late 50s, and many people would say it’s impossible at that age too. And it wasn’t, right? What could make it harder now is only your fear you won’t find it again. But why wouldn’t you? You have been successful so far, and spent little of your grown up years single. What proof you have love is not possible now, and can’t happen again? There are single wonderful people at any age. I’ve had some as my clients too, male and femail, of your or older age. You are heartbroken right now, that might also influence your level of optimism. Maybe you’re not even ready to date yet, because you are still hurt. Give yourself some time, and just go out on dates to have a bit of fun, it’s much easier to meet the right person when you’re not so determined it has to happen right-here-right-now.

  2. anonymous says:

    Dear Petra, this vicious cycle of thoughts becomes even harder to break when it is the case of someone who is in their twenties and has never been in a relationship. What advice would you give them?

  3. Petra says:

    Hello there, thanks for commenting – this is a great question and I did miss tackling it in this article. I had to think about the answer a bit – what could I give you that could be of instant help. Hope this will be it 🙂

    Every situation and every person is different, and one size advice never fits all. But my general advice would be: if you haven’t had your own relationship experiences, the best way to feel more confident that you will have some soon is to look around for people who are at least 30 – and notice how many of them are or have been in long term relationships.

    Most of us experience at least 1 or 2 longer relationships by that age, so seeing that will give you more confidence and certainty that you’ll get there too. I know a lot of people who were single until 25 or even later, never had a relationship – but then met their first long term partner who ended up being their life partner (married with kids now).

    So don’t give up hope if it hasn’t happened to you and it’s happening to your friends – some of us are naturally less keen to date just for the sake of dating, because we’re looking for a special connection, and that does take more time to find.

    Beyond that, it comes down to how we feel about ourselves and relationships in general (insecurity, fear of rejection, low self-esteem are the usual culprits people can’t find a partner), and that is so individual that I’d have to have more info about a specific person/situation to be able to give you a more precise answer.

  4. Jason says:

    I’m 29 and never had a relationship in my life. I’ve gone out with 2 girls so far but nothing happened. I’ve tried to approach a couple of others but nothing. I’ve been having sex with prostitutes since I became an adult and never had free sex in my life. My 2 best friends have girlfriends now, their 2nd and 3rd relationship respectively. I believe you understand how I feel sometimes. It’s not that having a relationship is a “must” for living your life, but you sometimes sit and ask yourself “is something wrong with me?” I don’t know if it’s my fault or just my luck. I really don’t understand how easy is for some people to have relationships for years or the rest of their lives, when I find it so difficult to just go out with a woman. I’m not moaning about not getting attention. I’ve gotten some attention like every man. But I’ve never liked those few women because of different reasons. I don’t think I’m picky, I think I’m unlucky. I mean, what are your chances to find somebody who is attracted to you AND you are attracted to AND you match in terms of personality AND is single. All those things at the same time?!

    • Petra says:

      Dear Jason, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I do acknowledge it’s not easy to find a matching partner. But I honestly believe it’s possible for all of us, and I think we can always do something to increase our chances. Often our own thoughts and feelings are the biggest obstacle, and it’s hard to see it because we’re used to looking for answers outside of ourselves, not inside. If you feel you’d like to explore what lies behind your dating troubles, please do get in touch.

  5. Marg says:

    I wonder the exact same thing as Jason, “what are your chances to find somebody who is attracted to you AND you are attracted to AND you match in terms of personality AND is single. All those things at the same time?!” I ended my 13 yr marriage a year ago. Had a rebound that lasted 8 months. My rebound and I were both attracted to each other, same personality, connected on many levels, had chemistry, and were both single. Now that its ended, I don’t think I’ll ever find someone in which i had the same things — mutual attraction and chemistry on many levels. I believe the chances are so slim. That’s why I am even more crushed that my rebound and I aren’t broken up. I think it will take the rest of my life to find someone the same way as my rebound. So sad.

    • Petra says:

      Hello Marg, thanks for your thoughts. I know it sometimes sounds like mission impossible, but great matches do happen multiple times in our lives, and it doesn’t have to be hard work to find them. With some people it lasts longer, with some shorter, but the fact you found someone amazing only months after your divorce is a great sign. Many people struggle to find even as much as a date after they come out of a relationship that long. I don’t know why your rebound relationship didn’t work out – maybe exactly because it was a rebound, and you were not ready to move on yet? But the fact you broke up with him doesn’t in any way mean you won’t find someone new who’ll be an even better match!

    • Brad says:

      I’m 41 have a good job and a lot to offer a woman yet only been with 3 girls in my entire life. no one seems to know any single women. I could name 10 single men I know. it don’t help that I’m shy and not talk to all girls I see like I should. I get mad when I see my exes move on so fast because guys are knocking down their door yet I have to wait 5 to 7 years to meet someone.
      online dating is a woman’s market sent 140 emails and got 2 responses. Throughout the nineties I spent 3500 on personal dating services again girls simply didn’t respond went home empty-handed yet some people find partners overnight:-(
      Went to local event of speed dating again there were too many guys not enough girls had to sit out several rounds because not enough girls.I don’t think anyone had it any harder than me when it comes to meeting girls. It just never happens no one ever introduces me to anyone. I do have standards and it sucks because if I do meet someone after waiting years and they can’t meet my basic standards again I’ll have to wait years to someone else comes along. Just seems unfair I’m a good looking guy with a lot to offer and everyone I meet says that yet I sit here by myself. It makes me mad some people have it so easy often wondered if being female I would have more options instead of being stuck here. Everywhere I go and do is by myself. Life is way too short to spend it alone but I’m used to it by now so there’s no use complaining. I guess it was meant to be this way I put too much effort in and have nothing to show for it. Its pretty bad when family starts to think you might be gay because you haven’t had a girl in so long :-\

      • Petra says:

        It’s interesting you say that there aren’t any single girls around – I am sure many girls think quite the opposite – that there are all these single girls everywhere, good men are nowhere to be found – and boys have it much easier when it comes to picking and finding partners. But that is as true or untrue as what you think. Let me challenge you a bit: do you think it makes sense to presume that life or world operates the way you experience it? Because it’s actually quite the opposite – what we experience is a reflection of our thoughts, feelings, beliefs – it is filtered by who we are. So you should ask yourself why you are experiencing lack of available women? Why do you think it’s hard to find good partners? If you’d like to explore that, happy to have a consultation and discuss. Let me know on email via CONTACT or COACHING pages.

  6. Maria says:

    I agree with Jason. There are so many odds to be beaten! When I feel myself attracted to someone, it’s no use because they’re not attracted to me. I have a lot of friends, people generally like me, but I just don’t seem able to attract anyone in that sort of a way. It’s frustrating.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Maria, thanks for your comment. I know it’s not easy, but it can get easier if you know what to change (and you can change things yourself, it’s not in the hands of fate). Let me know if you’d like to have a chat about it in private (I can offer you one free session). And please do check out this guide, it might give you some new insights & food for thought: ‘5 Key Reasons Why You Can’t Find Love’.

  7. Chris says:

    I am female and in my fifties and still hope to marry, but meeting someone is really hard. I feel in my heart like a bargain basement product because I have had some serious illnesses and have Aspergers. Some people tell me to give up because of my age, but I am so very lonely. I have no family, so really have noone. Am I being unrealistic to still hope and long for a partner for the rest of my life?

    • Petra says:

      Hi Chris. It’s never easy to find someone who you’ll want to marry 🙂 – and don’t think it’s ever too late. No matter what your life is like, love can happen to us all and it does. Please don’t think of yourself as less worthy because of your condition. I honestly believe that being confident you’ll find someone is the main reason why we do or don’t, so building your confidence is the key. And no matter what happens, you’ll have a better life when you see yourself as a person who deserves to be happy. If you’d like to discuss with me I can offer you a free coaching introductory session. Let me know.

      • Tom says:

        Have to disagree. Love doesn’t happen to us all. Am 55 and have never been in love. Been 20 years since my last date. Never had a friend or family member try to fix me up. Some of us just aren’t meant for love. A terrible way to go through life.

        • Petra says:

          It is. But that doesn’t mean you can’t change it now. You don’t need other people to sort out your problems, that’s not their responsibility. Even though they often do mess us up (especially parents) – we can always heal ourselves. And it’s our own job to do that. Don’t give up, you are only 55. You might have as many as that years ahead, do you really want to spend them in self-pity? Blaming others, God, universe, fate or bad luck for one’s situation is the worst way to spend a life.

  8. Extremely hard. I’m 40 and no boyfriend in two years. Dying alone,here I come.

    • Petra says:

      Oh Dawn…! It’s never too late for love. Please stop thinking you’ll die alone, that’s as silly and irrational as thinking you’ll find the love of your life at 20 and stay with him until you both die, preferably on the same day. You’ve been in relationships, and 2 years is not long for being single, especially if you are looking for the real thing. I’ve been single for 6 years in my 30s and never ever thought on giving up trying, and of course I found him. But – I also don’t think that any relationship has to last a lifetime, it will be great if it does – but if it doesn’t, I know I’ll find someone new even if I have to be single for a while. At any age, love doesn’t count age – it’s just us who do. My oldest client is over 80 and he’s a living proof that men all age are looking for true love and connection, not just the young ones. Please let me know if you’d like some help with changing your mindset, because that is the biggest obstacle for you to find what you’re looking for. All my best, Petra

  9. tb85 says:

    I agree with many people’s comments. I have been single for most of my life. I’ve had one real relationship that was on and off for about a year and a half, but that was when I was 23-24 (I am 28 now). Now I have made a few revelations about the type of guy that I like vs. the type of guy who would probably be good with me. But I still feel a little torn. One reason is because I have realized that many men seriously only want sex. I don’t mean that to be negative, I mean that to mean that that is reality. I of course desire that as well, but that will never be my main reason for wanting to be with someone. I just feel like that is using someone and would make me feel cheap. The other reason is because as I become more comfortable with and accepting of myself, I am more comfortable with being single. Which is good, but since I don’t desire a relationship to validate me anymore I really don’t have a strong desire to be in one anymore. I feel like if it happens it happens. But there is a chance that it may never happen. That chance is there. Oh and did I also mention that not many men are attracted to me (and I know I am not super unattractive)? What would you say for someone like me? Perhaps I have been single for so long because that is my destiny?

    • Petra says:

      Hello. No, being single is nobody’s destiny… unless they want it to be. It’s just a way people console themselves when they can’t find someone for long. It’s how you protect yourself from much more painful statements like ‘I’m not good enough to find someone’. Which is of course also not true, everyone is worthy of love and loving. From what you said, I’d say you don’t value yourself much – so men who approach you are those who only want sex. They do find you attractive – otherwise they wouldn’t want to have sex with you. But what you’re looking for is a man who will see more in you – which will happen if you start seeing yourself as a valuable person and partner. Then you’ll get the whole package from men too. Thank you for getting in touch – and if you’d like to discuss more and see how we can do something about it, feel free to contact me on email and we’ll arrange a consultation. All my best!

      • tb85 says:

        Hi, I realize I never responded! Thanks for your reply. I think I wasn’t clear in my original post though–men don’t approach me for sex. I carry myself with class so that has never been an issue for me. I was just saying I’ve heard from men themselves that they usually just want sex unless they are ready to settle down.

        I did read your other article (you write very well 🙂 ) about people who think they will always be single. I think I have turned into one of them. I am trying to work on positive thoughts. Honestly though, I think it’s easier to accept a single life than to accept that no one you want wants you. But that is a negative thought! So I have to work on that. I want to replace it with a positive truth…but I have none for myself in that area of my life.

        Thanks again for your reply and for helping and caring for people like me 🙂

        • Petra says:

          Thank you so much for your feedback. It’s so rewarding to see my articles and comments are helping. I agree with you – if you say nobody wants you that is very negative. I know it’s hard to get out of that circle of thoughts and feelings when you’ve been single for a while, but trust me I’ve seen it happen to so many people, believing it will happen to you enables it to happen faster and with more ease. Wish you all my best.

    • Jimmy says:

      You are attractive, you just have to figure out what kind of guy your looking for and try that. I think most people want a meaningful relationship but a lot just want what they want when they want it. You just have to ask yourself what kind of guy your attracted to vs. What you really want. There’s a difference

  10. Danny says:

    just saw this on FB. I broke up with my partner of almost 7 years and mother of my boy. the relationship got very bad. We were very different right from the beginning, but we had a couple of things in common,love for nature, love for music, i produce music and she played e guitar plus we both wanted lots of children. but she had a very hard character, was very jealous and extremely possessive. it took a long time to finish the relationship because of children, and the memories of all the dreams we had together. I left and i even left the country. Back in my country, i was feeling very bad in the beginning, my ex then tried all sort of tricks to get me into court over my rights to see my child. things were hard. then, half a year later i met somebody who really court my attention from the first words I heard from her. thats almost a year ago now. thing is, even though she tells me how strong her feelings are for her, she pushes me away and insists in her boundries, builds up what i call distance but she calls it time for herself (basically every day she has to work the day after, so what we have one could call a weekend relationship even though we live 20 bicicle minutes away from each other and i am the one who exclusively always goes to her home). I can see that she likes me a lot, she literally throws herself around my neck when we meet! we have the same love for food, nature, wine, walks, bicycle rides, i show her music and she loves it, she shows me books and i love it. but, after almost a year, she never said that she loves me, which i put down to that she simply does not love me, she never calls me by my name, and by certain moments that have happend i know that the does this absolutely consciously, sex always has to be very hard for her, and when I try to talk about these sensitive points, she normally freaks out completely, even screaming and smashing doors. i am now at the point where i feel that i am lying to myself when i say that this makes sense, but she insists that she wants us as a relationship and that she does have strong feelings for me, she doesnt want us to break up. for a few days now i think that i am with a notorious liar and somebody who could not care less about what the other person needs and feels. my best friend is very worried about me. i got out of my last relationship pretty much shaken, got back on my feet really good and found myself and led a single but quite happy life. then i met her and right from the beginning there where strange things that happened, very strange things, but she always insisted in “i havent done anything” and that i imagine things and that i destroy everything with my questioning all these my imaginary things- i even think that this is the frase that most often comes over her lips. i have to say that i always had solid relationships, one always longer than the one before and with more view towards the future. my best friend who knows me for about 20 years thinks that i have a good feeling for people, she told me that my thoughts about whats happening between us und what she does are totally invented by myself and all 100% wrong.. i need help

    • Petra says:

      Dear Danny, sorry for the long-awaited reply. I would need to hear more to see how I can best help you – and perhaps it’s best we talk, that way I can ask you questions to clarify certain points. If you’d like that please contact me for a free consultation on email (via my Contact page). Thanks for reaching out! All my best.

  11. stacey says:

    Hi. It’s been almost 10 yrs since I’ve even had a date. The last guy I really liked & right when things seemed to be taking off, an old girlfriend who he had “unfinished business” with suddenly came back in the picture. Story of my life…….same thing over & over.

    I am 45 yrs old and have only had 2 long term relationships-one with an abusive jerk(3 years) and the other a married man(also 3 yrs in my early 20’s) who decided in the end that he liked his wife better despite the fact he told me for 3 years straight that he had never loved anyone as much as he did me. I’m so embarrassed about those 2 relationships that I have always fibbed & embellished my relationship history because I’m afraid people will see it as a red flag that I’ve never had a long-term healthy relationship.

    I recently visited with my cousin and her husband. She told me that her husband, who is a great guy, could not understand why I was still single. He told her he thought that I was intelligent, kind, and very attractive to boot. He said there must be a lot of really dense men in my hometown who
    aren’t able to appreciate the things that I have to offer.

    I think the common denominator is really low self esteem dating all the way back to high school. I remember when I was 15 years old, meeting a guy at a movie theater one night when I was out with my girlfriends. He was the 1st guy who ever showed an interest in me. I remember the day before our first date going shopping with my mother for the perfect outfit. I also had my hair and nails done. I went all out. After our date, he had his best friend call me after the date to tell me he(my date) did not want to see me anymore because he realized when we went out that “I wasn’t as pretty as he thought I was when we first met.” I was totally crushed & I think that whole episode left a lasting scar. My whole dating life since has been one frustrating train ride of one unavailable man after another. Now I didn’t consciously go for unavailable men, but that is the way the pattern has played out.

    I really do want to change this pattern but I just don’t know how. Most of my high school friends now have grand kids. There are even kids I used to baby sit in high school who now have kids. 2 years ago, I was consoling my cousin who was going through a bad divorce. In the time since, he has remarried & just had his 1st child & I still haven’t even been out on 1 date in that time period! My dream of having my own children has all but gone down the drain. I cry a lot & I”m so afraid of being alone when I’m older. I just don’t know what to do. I work around a lot of really nice guys but they are all taken. It seems that if they are the kind of guy I could see myself falling in love with & getting married to then they are already spoken for. It’s kind of like when you go shopping & you find the perfect dress that you have been looking for but it is never in your size. It’s not available. Somebody else has already snatched it up. This is the story of my life but I would like to change that story & have a happy ending before it is too late.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Stacey, thank you for sharing your story. In situations like yours, where relationships have been rare and when they happened they came with a lot of problems it’s very likely we have limiting beliefs either about ourselves (low confidence/self-esteem, I don’t deserve/I am not good enough) or our environment (e.g. everyone suitable is taken) that are the main cause for that poor relationship record. I think you should definitely look into that, and I’d love to help if you are up for it. Let me know on email or via my Contact page – and we can arrange an initial consultation (it’s free).

    • Sheila says:

      Hi Stacey – i really empathise with you. Early experiences – if they are bad – can really cast a pall over later ones. I also know about all the good ones being taken. (I am 62).
      I think the whole business is fraught with difficulties. I certainly think Petra is supportive in many ways. However this issue of self esteem (highly overrated by some researchers) cannot be the whole of the story.
      You can just be unlucky. I certainly believe I am worthy of love, have cartloads of confidence, lots to offer and do plenty of activities. However I cannot seem to be able to meet anyone viable.
      There is certainly someone out there that would suit you (and me ) but you both HAVE to be there in the right place at the right time. Fact.
      You HAVE to go where the men are – to meet them. However thats no guarantee of anything,
      Many people meet because of friend and family introductions or through social engagements, None of my friends or family know any single men to introduce me to. I do not work in the conventional way. So both of these common routes are out for me.
      Singles hols will be overun by women, the church and many meet up groups have surplusses of women. And YES I understand you only need ONE.
      I very much resent the implication that I (we) are failing to attract the ONE into our lives.
      Now I kind of understand about limiting beliefs – unfortunately one can have unlimiting beliefs till the cows come home but if the right person is not where you are at the right time then we are stuffed.
      Sending you cyber hugs Stacey and supportive thoughts.
      Best wishes – Sheila

  12. fat black and lonely says:

    It’s not just thoughts. The reality is that most men want only young, thin women. Most of the women I know who are long term singles are over 50 and fat…and it’s even worse if you are Black. NO ONE wants you. Not even other black men. It is statistically proven through the US Census and reiterated in articles in the NY Times that Black women have to least likelihood of ever marrying or re-marrying. It’s a hard lonely world if you aren’t young, white and thin, 🙁

    • Dawn says:

      Its really not easier when you are white and supposedly pretty. I’m incredibly lonely and while I can get sex , I still never get love.

      • Danny says:

        @Dawn, isnt this what so many women play for? finding man stupid enough to pay to have a good looking at their side because they could not hold her otherwise? As a good, atractive and honest man, its not easy to find a good woman, who is faithful, honest and values the simple things in life. And if you find one, she has been burned from all the AH,s who are around just wanting sex. And then, some of these good girls, they give in. That makes it even worst.

        • Petra says:

          Great discussion, thank you all for contributing. I think we should all see ourselves as individuals – not a part of some statistic. Statistics just make us feel unwanted and frustrated when we are single because we are either in the unlucky category and we feel that is hindering our chances, or we are in the lucky one – but we can’t seem to find a partner and that can be even more frustrating because numbers say you’re supposed to be in a couple but you are not! Statistics and numbers are often also an excuse to make us feel better for not achieving something. But I am sure you all have seen very different looking people who have a partner (young, old, thin, fat, black, white, disabled, short, tall…) – which is a proof that looks are not what makes it happen. It is our confidence that counts. I know years of not having a partner diminishes our confidence, and that’s what makes it harder and harder to find partners, not your age or looks. If any of you are interested in a consultation we can talk about your personal situation in more detail. All my best.

        • Dawn says:

          Yes you are right. I’m basically damaged goods emotionally now BC of AH’s. So you kind of give up hope and yes I usually just give in for sex. Not gonna lie, its low self esteem.

    • tb85 says:

      I just wanted to comment and agree with you about dating being harder for Black women. I feel like some of our men have extremely impossible physical standards for us (I.e., body type and skin complexion) and it does seem like men of other races are not usually (seriously) interested. Add to that the facts that there are more Black women than Black men, and that we are usually more educated. Plus, if you are aiming for marriage, many Black men don’t want to get married at all or until they are much older. It just seems like there are not many good matches for us.

      I am still interested in Black men though, as well as men of other races. Don’t know if you feel that way as well.

      I am interested in reading Petra’s response, she gives good advice 🙂

    • Tex says:

      What about black girls out there??

  13. Arelle87 says:

    I agree with it being harder to date especially being a black women and in my case I’m a single parent. I feel that all men have these assumptions about me that are just not true. But with that being said I would rather be single and happy then with someone and unhappy. I believe that it is all about perspective I know what I want and what I don’t want from a partner and I know that we will eventually find each other. So until that day comes I’m just going to continue to love myself and work on being the best person that I can be.

    • Petra says:

      Agree – it’s much better to be single and happy (or unhappy) than unhappy with someone else. Thank you for commenting and wish you best of luck with your search. You are going in the right direction – loving yourself is the best magnet for attracting an amazing love partner 🙂

  14. Anna says:

    Hey.
    I’m Anna I’m 24 years old and I’m a single parent and I have not had a relationship in 4 years. I’ve had flings and one night stands. But in the last year I haven’t had anything. Due to my personal choice.
    When my last partner ended it with me as I wasn’t good enough. And in other previous relationships I’ve been hurt and cheated on. I’ve put walls up.
    About a year ago I met someone online as being a single parent it’s hard for me to get out and meet people.
    We hit it off. But it didn’t work out. He said I gave him mixed signals.
    Looking back at myself now. I was giving mixed signals and my walls were up stopping me emotionally from connecting with this guy. Who was interested.
    So I made the decision to stop all dating and focus on what I want from a relationship. From life. And I also realised I wasn’t happy with who I turned into. So I’ve been doing a lot of personal and emotional soul searching. And now I feel happier and healthier than I have in years.
    So I tired online dating again. And I kind of stumbled on to this guy.
    He’s lovely. Not very talkative. And seems shy. But he seems nice and I would want to try a pursue things. However I just feel like I’m road blocking myself. I do not want to come on to strong and him see me as an obsessed needy person. And I don’t want to play anything to cool and make him seem disinterested.
    Plus my own insecurities about men and the way I felt when I was hurt. There holding me back.
    I do not want to be guarded and push him or anyone away.
    I’m also not sleeping with guys that I’m dating which has been hard. But I want to make an emotional connection not a physical one. Is this the right move or should I just be having fun until it falls into my lap.
    Your thoughts and ideas would be heard and I’m willing to try anything. Sorry for typing you an essay 🙂

    • Petra says:

      Hi Anna, thank you for reaching out. Sorry it took a while for me to respond. I can’t tell you what would be the best for you – but it is most certainly what you feel is right for you at the moment. I understand you are a bit confused and not so sure how you feel, so I suggest we have a coaching consultation. It’s a free 30 min Skype call that will help you get more clarity around your situation and decisions. Let me know if you’d like that – please send an email directly or via my CONTACT page.

  15. San8 says:

    Hello, I am in my early 30s and never been in a relationship. I just never connected with anyone I would want to be in a relationship with . The few guys who seemed to like me were not really what I was looking for . At this age , it’s very hard to believe I will ever find someone . At times I have faith I will find someone but most of the times I feel very discouraged . I don’t know why the universe doesn’t send me someone compatible ..I am afraid that being alone will be more difficult to deal with as I grow older 🙁

    • Petra says:

      Hi, I think it would be worth for you to have a chat with a qualified professional. There might be things holding you back you’re not even aware of, and if you haven’t been able to find a partner for so long – you should definitely change something in your approach or your thinking. I can’t tell you much without knowing more, so if you’d like a consultation where we can discuss this in more depth, do get in touch via email or CONTACT ME page.

  16. Marie says:

    Well,
    I know that the fact I’m only 17 makes me sound silly, but I have never had a boyfriend so far and at my age most of the girls/boys do have a partner..that makes me feel very lonely and empty inside… I really want to find a soulmate…moreover, I am not very talkative, I don”t like being in the lime light and don’t know how to flirt and attract other people.. I am really discouraged and only 17, I already don’t believe in love …

    • Petra says:

      Dear Marie, you are indeed very young to be worried about being single – but I do understand your concern, if most of your friends are already having relationships. If you are naturally shy and introverted, or if you have low self-confidence – that could be the reason for not finding a boyfriend that easily. But, not everyone is ready for a relationship at your age, and not all relationships you see around you are happy – so just give yourself some time, enjoy your youth and your friendships, there is plenty of ways you can enjoy other people’s company and have fun other than having a partner. Think about how you can expand your social life and circle doing things you love, and you will surely meet some boys there that you can connect with more easily. You don’t need to be in the limelight or flirt to attract someone, but you need to be interested in meeting people and talking to them – and it’s much easier when you are doing something you enjoy, and it’s also easier to meet someone who will be a good match for you that way.

      This guide can help answer your questions: ‘5 reasons why you can’t find love’. It’s a free download (click on FREEBIES on the menu). If you still feel confused after reading it, we can have a consultation via Skype so I can give you my assessment and recommendations how best to tackle your situation. Just send me a note via email and we’ll arrange a timing. Wish you all my best!

  17. Maybe their just lucky.

    • Petra says:

      There is no being lucky or unlucky – if you believe we create our own reality.

      • Perhaps. Believing might not always be enough though. Maybe some of us do need a certain amount of fortune.

        • Sheila says:

          Good Scott. Unfortunately we have to accept that in this life we cant always do something about somethings (!)
          I think im hitting this problem now, Im a ‘do-er’ but doing does not get me anywhere in a search for love. In theory it should. Truly believing I can find love well I suppose thats ‘doing’ too. Still no guarantees. Of course you might find love but it can morph into something else. Fact.
          The only things that are guranteed are death and taxes.
          Best believe in yourself, believe in what you can offer the world, believe in living as well as you can and loving yourself. Best wishes from Sheila

  18. Josee says:

    Hi Petra,

    If people don’t care about being a few months or years with someone, it is not “love”. It is “filling the void”. I am 37 years-old and have been single for 7 years. I don’t think I am wrong. I want to find a life partner with whom I can share and with whom I can continue to grow up. It is much harder now for me to find someone because I want a meaningful relationship. It is only easy for those who are ready to take anyone in their life because of their fear of being alone. No one around me seems happy in their relationship. But from the start, they didn’t start a relationship for good reasons. All this convinces me to remain alone until I find someone meaningful. But there is the fear of never finding…It is sad because I think I could offer something good to someone…And there is nothing I can do. I cannot chase, it won’t give anything. The only thing I can do is to remain opened and hope for the best… Thank you for reading me,

    • Petra says:

      Hello Josee, and thank you for commenting. I agree with you completely, I believe it’s better to be single than in a wrong relationship. I was single for 6 years during my 30s too. Those were the years when I learned most about myself. I did meet men during that period and dated, but nothing stuck. I wondered a lot why – I knew I wanted the real thing, and it’s harder to find it than just any relationship, but over the years and experiences I began to see it’s not just that. When I got to understand why I am not attracting the right partner, I changed some of my beliefs and feelings in the process that were stopping me from finding him, and – my now husband came into my life very quickly after that, in a matter of a few months. It can seem hard to find someone you can truly connect with, but it’s actually something we can do a lot about – by making ourselves emotionally ready for the right partner. If you’d like to do it for yourself, I suggest you think about your beliefs about love, relationships, finding a partner, dating scene – there might be some negativity there that is blocking your desire from coming true. And if you want me to help you with that – contact me for a free consultation. Send an email or schedule one via the link on my website. Take care!

  19. Kim says:

    Hi Petra,

    I’m 35 and have been only been in very short term relationships. I often find myself having negative thoughts and my reality gets disorted because of my thoughts. I try having positive thoughts but stop because I do not believe them. How do I start to believe?

    • Petra says:

      Well, it is a tough one. I would need to know more about you to give you a more precise answer, but essentially it works like this: if you have no success in some area of your life, you lose confidence you will be successful in the future. Then you have even less success – and less confidence. It’s a vicious circle and the only way to tackle it is to build your confidence. You have to build it from inside. Usually people who experience a lot of problems in finding a partner do not see themselves as a good and valuable partner and/or person in the first place. By looking at yourself and recognising your qualities and positive sides, you will gradually build that inner confidence that will help you get more success in dating, and then you reverse the cycle. I help people with that initial part with my coaching and online course. If you want we can discuss this in a consultation – I really need to ask you some questions to be able to tell you what would work best in your personal situation. If you’d like that, just send me a request via CONTACT or COACHING page.

  20. 🙁
    Years of wasted optimism. Im done with the hoping, wishing, praying, etc.

    At this point, Im almost 34. I’m just trying to enjoy my life. Everybody won’t be married or find true love.

    If it turns out, you’re one of those people you gotta be happy anyway.

    • Petra says:

      I met my current partner at 35. There must be something you are negative about – maybe you are not very confident about your attractiveness, or you doubt your chances to find love, or your value as a person and a partner. Those are all obstacles that can prevent you from finding love for a long time.

      • Sheila says:

        There a lot more availability at 35 Petra -and your husband is 10 years older than you – men have a much wider age range of women to pick from.

        • Petra says:

          I honestly think it’s not about age. There is only like 0,0001% of men in the world I’d actually be with. The fact I found one and he is older doesn’t mean much with those odds. Just concentrate on the guy you want to make you happy, all else is irrelevant. He will be the right age, whatever that may be 🙂

        • Petra says:

          I honestly think it’s not about age. There is only like 0,0001% of men in the world I’d actually be with. The fact I found one and he is older doesn’t mean much with those odds. And he is not a guy who’d necessarily go for younger women, some of those he admires and finds hot are 10+ older than him. Just concentrate on the guy you want to make you happy, all else is irrelevant. He will be the right age, whatever that may be 🙂

  21. James says:

    This strikes me as magical thinking. In what other pursuit would you advise, “If you’re just confident enough that you’ll find it, it’ll happen for you”? I have no degrees in physics or mechanical systems; can I simply will my way into being an astronaut on the ISS?

    A state of mind is a nice place to start, but that has to be followed by persistent, directed action, and there is always a chance that no amount of planning and struggle will change the outcome

    Nothing will just “happen for you” without dumb luck.

    • Petra says:

      I agree action is important, but in this case – confidence and beliefs are a much bigger obstacle. I’ve met many people who take a lot of action in the dating arena, and are still single after years of search. That means action is not enough. It’s much easier if you want a certain job, at least you know what kind of skills and knowledge you have to have to get it – but even then, more confident people are usually more successful in getting what they want, wouldn’t you say?

      • Sheila says:

        Both you and James could be right Petra. But – interesting – having positive beliefs is not the same as having confidence. I find it easy to say I believe I will meet someone – but having confidence – ah! Thats another matter. Confidence has to be skowly nurtured and inculcated. If all youve met with is unsuccess then confidence is very hard to find
        Best wishes – Sheila

        • Petra says:

          If you truly believe than you have confidence. You can have conflicting beliefs about the same thing. That’s very common and sometimes unavoidable, because it’s hard to believe in something 100% if we haven’t seen it happen yet, but – the positive belief should be stronger then things happen in line with it. Working with beliefs – changing them – strengthens our confidence.

    • Sheila says:

      Hallelujah brother!

  22. SpeakingTheTruth says:

    Well the way i look at it, God punishes many of us with Singleness which he Gave to so many others. Go Figure.

    • Petra says:

      I believe we “punish” ourselves, it’s not our fate. There is always a way out of singleness.

      • Sheila says:

        Indeed -but hopefully with the right person -there are ways out of marriage too ! I recall the guy that owned ‘Dateline’ many years afo got divorced. Ironic

        • Petra says:

          It’s ironic… but you really never know how your marriage will work out… and how long you’ll be happy together. If it’s really not working, why not give yourself and your partner a chance to be happy again, there is no shame in that.

          • Mike says:

            Well with so many women today that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, certainly has a lot to do with it why many of us good men are still single as i speak which it is Not our fault at all. And now that there are so many career minded women out there today, many women now want the best and won’t settle for less.

          • Petra says:

            Some women are, some are not. Just as some men are selfish, emotionally unavailable, players, etc. Thinking this way – you will only attract exactly those women you don’t want to attract.

  23. I find this very compelling, and the best description I have seen of how negative experiences reinforce themselves. But as a 36 year old gay man, handsome, smart, fit, funny… And never had a long term relationship… I just can’t get my head around the idea that I’ll magically attract love if I just change my thoughts. I have been very open to possibilities when they came along, but despite knowing myself to have great partner potential, any romance has been short lived and often quite demoralising.

    This city is small and the guys are all so young. I resent the ones who find it so easy. They don’t appreciate what they have. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. But turning into a blithe, pie in the sky optimist won’t create a demographic of eligible men that simply isn’t there. I’d have to spend my life in gay bars and parties, desperately networking. Ick. Do I have to be completely untrue to myself just to experience love before I die? Doesn’t seem right.

    • Petra says:

      I know it seems far fetched – but the combination of how we think and feel and things we strongly believe about ourselves and our environment does make a huge difference in our success in any area of life. There might be something you’re not seeing or not aware of (a deep rooted belief that makes you feel unattractive or unworthy of love – for example), and that might be bringing you bad or no matches for a long time. Let me know if you’d like to discuss and explore what might be the issue. Just send me a contact request via Contact or Coaching pages.

    • Sheila says:

      Hi Andrew – just spotted your comment. You are correct – success breeds success.
      How I get by these days is to combine the ideas of ‘its not worth the effort’ and ‘forget the whole trip’ with the thought that my destiny is to live out my life on my own (most women do certainly), with – well im worthy of love lets keep the dream alive. Lots of cognitive dissonance there to keep me on my toes.

      I also moved on to developing skills in business networking. Useful for all sorts. I only do the activities I really enjoy.
      I know what you mean about demography and apparent availabilty. Its also infuriating that some people seem to find it easy to partner. Its true some people settle for anything. However many get it right with no effort. Dumb luck must play a part.

      Some people are unlucky in health, physical and mental abilities. They did not attract that on themselves. The reverse is the same. Its just the way things are.
      Keep going Andrew. People like you and I keep going. Successful people have to be incredibly persistent. Remember for people who find a partner – many tend just to ‘flop’ and relax (they have FOUND someone – they no longèr have to try.) Bad idea – but its only later on that they realise it.
      Best wishes

  24. So, what about 45 and never married. Came close twice and realized neither were what I needed, just good learning experiences. I have worked on myself and dealt with a lot of issues from my youth. I am on dating sites. I date, but never find that one for me.

    It gets discouraging with all the advice from your friends, “when the time is right”, be happy being single (and I was for a very very long time, and then wham was hit with who I thought was the love of my life only to have it fall apart, but good thing it did, it was a good lesson I took from it).

    I have figured out just who I am and what I bring to the table, and quite frankly I just do not get it. I am who I want to be (always room for growth though). Why is it so difficult to find someone to share my life with, someone to curl up with at night, someone to be a partner in crime with?

    • tb85 says:

      I have commented on some of the other posts before. I honestly think that it boils down to personality–do people desire your personality? For example, I’m pretty weird/awkward. This is something that I like and embrace in myself. But I have noticed that not everyone appreciates that type of personality. Even friendship-wise. I get along with the majority of people I meet, but I don’t have very many close friends.

      So I think when it comes to finding a mate, this could be even more of a “problem”. People probably think, “Why talk to this complicated person when I can talk to this person over here who is easier to understand?”

      I could be wrong, but this seems to apply to my life. Maybe it also applies to yours.ty

      • Petra says:

        Not everyone will like you, that’s true for every human being. But if you don’t like yourself, and want to be someone else, it will be harder to find a good partner.

        You don’t have to be liked by a lot of people any way. Glad you made peace with your uniqueness – just be you and understand that the people who do like you, are exactly the ones you do need and want in your life. Thanks for sharing!

    • Petra says:

      If we can’t find an adequate partner for years, there is usually a reason. It would be good to have a chat about this, to explore what the reason might be. If you’d like that contact me for a consultation via Coaching or Contact page.

  25. SoSadButTrue says:

    The way i see it God punishes us in many ways, especially when many of us Don’t have a love life which he gave to so many others. Why are so many people Blessed with a family that we would’ve wanted too?, and we are certainly No different than the ones that have it.

  26. Vina says:

    I feel the same way. I haven’t been in a relationship in 9 years. The last relationship I was in, it seemed he didn’t want to be with me. Never went out on dates or anything. Now, I’m currently in a friends with benefits situation with a friend who is married. It’s something to do to cure my loneliness. I think I’m a pretty good woman but most guys only see me as someone to have sex with. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the desired looks and I’m fat? I want to be married and have a family but it’s always the people who take it for granted (I.e. my friend with benefits).

    • Petra says:

      Dear Vina, finding the right person is more a matter of how you feel about yourself and what you think are your chances to find love than anything else. Wishing and hoping is often not enough. If you feel you’re not attractive or worthy of love, others will feel the same about you and treat you like you don’t matter. People only take you for granted if you take yourself for granted too. That’s what needs to change first. And you can change all that. Let me know if you’d like me to help you.

  27. CECE says:

    I seem to always attract assholes. It seems like I’m always being used and end up wondering what’s wrong with me. I’ve only been in one serious relationship and the sad thing is I didn’t feel the same about him. I haven’t been in relationship in three years. I just stopped communicating with a guy I thought was one one but it turned out all he wanted was my money and sex. I was so nice and my feelings were genuine. I feel like giving up, I can’t find anyone who will love me unconditionally just for me. It’s scary I’m only 23 but I feel like I’ll be alone forever. Nothing ever works out no one ever feels the same as I do about them.

    I’m alone in every aspect of my life. Maybe that’s my problem I’m looking for someone to feel this void that I have, but it never works

    • Petra says:

      The people we attract into our lives (as partners, friends, other close relationships) are always a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. If you are attracting assholes, think about how you see yourself. If you are insecure, needy, unhappy, if you don’t think you are attractive or interesting or worth loving as you are (you think there is lots you need to change or improve about yourself, you hate parts of your body and personality) – you will attract people who will confirm that opinion of yourself and feed it back to you over and over again. That’s why you need to first fill the void inside yourself, because nobody can do it for you. So it’s not about them, it’s really about you – you are attracting them, choosing them – of course not consciously, because nobody wants to attract assholes, but those guys get attracted to you and you to them because of how you see yourself. And please stop thinking you will be alone forever. Forever (or the rest of your life) is a very long time. Probably like 3 times longer than your life so far. Things will happen, you will change and grow in so many ways. You will figure it out. Just the fact you are asking these questions at your age, means you will figure out things for yourself. I didn’t even think of questioning why I meet the boys I meet until my mid 30s. And look at me now 🙂

  28. Mel says:

    Despite being 22, I’ve been asking this question of myself for a long time now. Everytime I see another couple this confusion/dread washes over me because I can’t understand how they found each other so easily. I know I have a huge attitude/self-esteem problem which is stopping me from finding someone. Those issues coupled with standards that are too high for my worth as well as shyness/inability to take a risk and look stupid, render me feeling like I will never find anyone. The only relationship I have been in was when the guy was very forward with me, and I miraculously found him attractive. Otherwise, I have had several other guys show interest, but I was never attracted to them back. Of course, the ones who I am attracted to, are never attracted to me.

    I know I act weird and insecure when I start to think about someone too much, and find it embarrassing to like too many people as if your standards are negligible. I am unable to show true interest as I worry people will tease me for it. Lastly, the one time I did step forward and take action, ended up in me being rejected for another girl. I’ve got every part of my life together and have been able to rationalise my way out of negative thinking in those areas, but the lack of finding love makes me feel defective in this fundamental way. I know there’s a lot of mindset changing to be done, but I don’t even know where to start.

    • Petra says:

      This type of confidence (in love and relationships) is indeed very different from one we have in jobs, school, sport or any other life area that requires skill that can be learned and measured in a straightforward way. Confidence in love is confidence that we are worthy of love as human beings, and there is no school for that. We learn we are valuable and good enough to be loved from our families and environment – and they usually don’t know how to teach us that because they themselves are not sure if they are good enough. I wrote about that difference in confidence here in my latest blog. Your mismatch and lack of success in finding a partner is very much a result of you not loving yourself enough, and not believing you can be loved just as you are. So that is something to work on and gradually things will change. How? Look up my online course ‘7 Steps To Love’, it is designed to help with that with lots of practical tools for gaining confidence and clarity around love. If you’d prefer to talk to me first – that’s cool too, just contact me and request a consultation (via Contact or Work with me pages).

  29. Drew says:

    I am 22, decent/good looking, not shy at all (I used to be though), people usually find me intresting and funny. Problem is I’ve never been in a relationship. I have no experience whatsoever, to the point that I am still a virgin, so both phisically and emotionally. It’s killing me. Most of my friends have a girlfriend (or boyfriend). I feel left out. It’s so easy, almost inevitable for everyone, but not for me. I know I should not think this but it’s so hard when all you have seen and lived tells you that. I feel like I should try harder, but I don’t even know what this actually means.

    • Petra says:

      You can change your experience, but in order to do that you have to know what needs to change. I can’t tell from your comment – but if you’d like to explore it get in touch and we’ll have a consultation. Just send an inquiry via Contact or Work with me page. Take care.

  30. Casey says:

    How do you know that if you”know in your heart you can find love, it will happen for you”? I mean, we live in a world where there are no guarantees. I’ve been looking for someone and my last relationship ended about 10 months ago. I’m ready to settle down and I’m not finding the person. I also feel that the numbers are stacked against me. I’m 37 going 38, I’m pretty, I’m successful but I’m feel like I’m really broken from unfulfilled promises uncertainty. How can I change my mindset in light of “reality”

  31. Mike says:

    Well in my honest opinion as to why many of us good men are still single today as i speak is that with much more women nowadays that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy would be an excellent reason for us since most women today would want the best and certainly won’t settle for less.

    • Petra says:

      I think many women would say the same… lots of selfish, spoiled, immature men out there. The challenge is how to match the nice girls with the nice boys! Once you stop thinking there are no good women out there for you, you will find her.

  32. Tex says:

    Hello,

    I am 43 old guy with look of 33.
    When younger girls find me attractive but i was full of problems so i never get into something serious&often break’s it by myself.
    Years later, on my 30’s i started to work on myself and takes psychotherapy to change myself and cure wounds from childhood.. I grow up without parents, in orphanage, never learned nothing about woman, seeing them as attractive and sexy but never meet&forming real friendship with them, even with my sister.
    I don’t know why, is it because hard childhood times or just genetically but, i found being attracted to few of my friends also and i have experience with one of them with kissing and masturbating. Later i use to struggle, to find girl only but being so immature that, with being poor(basic needs)-give attention to few lovable girls i was with so i quit every chance to be happy because i despised myself. It’s like a being masochist or something(now when i look into past).
    So, i started to change, become more grown up in mind, mature and responsible.
    My empathy become larger as i learned on group(it’s called “Psychodrama”)what my behavior can do to others.
    I learned and released that i am good intelligent person and not opposite like i learned from negligence i use to meet through my child times.
    Allot of processed covered unconsciousness emotions released in catharsis way..
    Some tells me that i am incredible warm supportive and good person but guess what: I am SO single that i want to throw up sometimes.
    I am angry on myself and girls that are to cold and not emotional. I do not expect to be emotional instantly but i am frustrated and want to quit when they respond cold and without emotions(they strongly hide it).
    I know to behave with girls that express their emotions(not hide it like snake hides her legs 🙂 and i love intelligent and good feminine woman, really attracted to them but have difficulties to meet one and when i meet they are also so restrained, like they do not need anyone(foggy signs are seriously frustrating).

    I simply don’t understand:

    When approach, girls playing “no need you” or/and “i’m fine alone” and “i don’t need sex, buddy” game. Why? What? .To make me wishing more to please her? Wth?

    I want clearness, don’t know to communicate with allot of game-playing interactions where i am not sure what she think, feel, want or even what she need.
    It’s all hidden, truly confusing and messages are double. I am frustrated, avoiding porn sites, religious (not bigot) guy, just want to meet girl i like to give her love and attention because that also charge my life. I want to wake up with her, to love her but that “SHE” is HARD TO FIND when you are honest, not playing games and especially if you’re good soul that worry to not harm people around.

    Note:
    I am aware of flirting “game”, holding passion, being honest without passing a line, don’t get me wrong.
    I am just seek of lies in relations that i would rather be ALONE but being with someone with tones of secrets and masquerade.

    I apologies for long writings and my biography, this is for better understanding and i hope-for helpful reply’s.

    Thank you all, love and hugs Petra and everyone

    (English is not mine language so i apologize for mistakes)

    • Petra says:

      Hi thanks for sharing your struggles. I would love to help and explore why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable or cold women. There has to be a reason. If you’d be comfortable talking to me in English, let’s have a consultation. Just send me an email and we’ll schedule one. I can’t be sure what’s the issue if I don’t talk to you and ask you a bunch of other questions, and I don’t want to give you misguided advice.

  33. Claire says:

    I have been single for almost seven years and its hard to believe you will find some who cares for you when It’s been such a long time since someone has.

  34. Gregory says:

    It is a miracle that any two people can actually get tpgether and stay together for long once they do. the reason that 20% of adults are perpectually single is that first they will never settle for less than they are themselves and that is not being picky but selective as everyone should be but am not. Second the vast majority of couples are mismatched (hello high divorse rates) and the one who would be a match for those 20% are married to a loser because the would be winner settled for low and did not have the confidence and patience to wait but jump at the first chance for sex not a sound relationship first to see if they should get married after a time of knowing then sex but most have this backwards.

  35. Kris says:

    I am 36 and I have been single for over 10 years. I can’t help but think this is my destiny. I have been on many online dating sites with no luck. Paid for life coach, seen several therapists still with no luck. I hate being told the same empty promises “it will happen when you least expect it” and “when you love yourself someone will love you”. I have a good job and I’m very social and enjoy many activities. I still can’t help think that I’m doing everything right except accept that I may never have children or a soul mate. I have no patience left, but every time I say I’m just going to have fun, it leaves me feeling even more alone and undesirable. How do accept my loneliness and try to have a normal happy life? What else could I be doing wrong?

    • Petra says:

      Hello. I really don’t know. It’s not always that easy to figure out why we don’t meet the right people, but it is usually a projection of how we feel about ourselves and the world. Sometimes we feel confident in our ‘other life’ but have serious doubts about our worthiness in the romantic department. I wouldn’t want to give you any stronger opinions until we talk about it more, so if you are up for a consultation (freebie) just get in touch via Contact or Work with me page (there is a form at the end).

  36. You know, I was just starting to feel awesome about myself. I have suffered a tremendous amount of losses and blows in the past years but I want to feel better. So, I have started a workout program, lost a bit of weight, go out with my friends I love, travelling a bit, going on adventures and doing this project that I really enjoy. My thoughts have generally been positive and after several years of stressful events, I am finally finding myself happy again and wanting to find love. I met a man in July and it didn’t work out because he didn’t like the fact that I had a passion for travel. He didn’t. It made him feel insecure that I wouldn’t shelve that passion for him, even though he knew this is something I loved before I met him. So he left me and although I was a bit disappointed, to me it was a blessing and I moved on. I decided to pursue the relationship with the person I was really attracted to, a man I had met a long while ago but reconnected with on Facebook last November. Since I was travelling for six months I didn’t pursue any type of friendship with him except for the occasional exchange on FB and lots of likes and comments on his page and mine. But, I had been admiring him from a distance, reading his posts, looking at his photos (He is very handsome). Recently, however, I decided to go for it. We started to connect more and met in person. We started dating. I was so ecstatic before I really really liked him! Then, after a few weeks, we spent the weekend together at his cottage and that is where I started to learn things about him that I didn’t really like. It isn’t his fault, but he suffers from borderline personality disorder that he seemed to control when we saw each other on dates or at parties, etc. He told me this weekend. I guess he just couldn’t pretend anymore. He also told me he didn’t want to hurt me, that he was going through therapy but that he no longer thought he could commit to me but that he would like to take it one day at a time and see how things go.

    No…just no. I care for him and have great empathy that he suffers from this disorder. It is not his fault, but…that was a big blow. Regardless, I also want to have a committed relationship. So I told him I wanted to end it. He understands.

    I am sad and wanted to indulge in my old behaviours myself, as a coping mechanism: feeling sorry for myself, thinking there are no good men out there, etc.

    However, despite the fact that I am sad, I know this is just a bump in the road, that there are plenty of good men out there. I am now confident in myself that it is possible. Being confident doesn’t mean that there won’t be these inappropriate people along your path, it will just mean that you are able to bounce back from a setback, one that will bring you closer to finding the One.

    It might take time…I am also 45, so there aren’t as many free parking spaces available out there, but, I know there is someone for me who will be wonderful and compatible. It took me years to realize this. I am hoping that the man I recently was with finds peace in his heart, but he is not the one for me.

    Thanks Petra for your blog, it has really helped me come to this realization about myself.

    • Petra says:

      Thank you for sharing! And your kind words about my blog. I am sure you can find what you’re looking for. If you are interested in digging deeper into reasons why the right guy hasn’t happened for you so far, contact me for a consultation. Take care!

  37. Sarah says:

    Amazing all the scientific breakthroughs humans have achieved over the centuries and yet the answer to the mystery of how some women find love easily and others never at all remains aloof…. Now in my mid-40s I share many of the concerns already mentioned. However, I think a major part of the problem is that society places such a high value on youth and young women. It’s very hard to find any men prepared to move beyond this and become curious about women as people rather than simply something pretty to look at and impress their friends with. I know plenty of amazing , beautiful women who are single – but they are in their 40s and therefore invisible as relationship potential. A man is a ‘catch’ at any age and will always choose ‘young’ over any other quality or attribute. It’s very depressing.

    • Petra says:

      There are many men who look for younger women, but then there are others. If you feel your only/biggest value as a woman is your youth and looks, you will be meeting exactly those men who confirm that – they will only be interested in young and beautiful ones. If you know your value and understand that you have so much more to offer to someone than your looks, you will attract men who will see that more too. It’s not what they think of you, it’s what you think of you that’s the main issue here.

  38. Elle says:

    Hi Petra, I’m a single mother aged 40 and have been single since I separated from the husband about 10 years ago. Despite the hardships of being a single mom, I have always believed I would find the right guy, and I feel I am confident and fairly attractive, with many people believing that I am in my 20s. Trying to find a mate is challenging when you have endless things to do as a mom. I met a guy much younger who I really love but we’ve only been friends for the last five years, and for whom I would often go out of my way for. This is not reciprocated of course in action even though I feel deep down he has real feelings for me, which is what keeps me hanging on. I feel I am really open to other men in general and am not attached to being with this guy. But it seems all opportunities disappear almost as soon as they appear, and in the end, I’m left with this guy who doesn’t outright reject our platonic friendship, but also doesn’t want to get too involved. I think belief is important, and confidence too, but when you have to face the reality of having kids to look after, with not much time to do the dating thing, it’s near impossible. I am intelligent with a good sense of self worth. And I am not that picky (I don’t think). I also do not feel desperate or needy because I have so many interests and passions. But it really hurts that men aren’t there for me likely because I have children. My children are now teens and I’m quite on top of everything as a parent. It seems no amount of prayer from my fellow female friends help either. I feel really stuck. In truth, I just want light hearted friendships with guys who care about me as a person and don’t mind showing some affection without feeling embarrassed. I’m not even that interested in a committed relationship. I’m just so baffled that I ask for so little and don’t even get that. It all just gets so complicated when you are a single parent.

    • Petra says:

      Being a single parent does make it harder, but it’s not the reason why you haven’t found anyone in 10 years. I can help you get to the bottom of it, but we should talk – if you want let’s do a consultation and see where it gets us. Please contact me via email or just book a consultation via the link.

  39. Kindred says:

    I just always wonder how people that get into relationships so quickly find other single people so fast that actually want a relationship?

    I am 36 and have never been married or had kids. I get told I am attractive and look young for my age. Still live like I am in my twenties pretty much! Happy with everything else in my life, except my love life. The last serious relationship I was in was 5 years ago. I have had a few dates and 3 monthers with people but nothing has worked out since.

    When I look at these people who always seem to find or have someone I can’t help wonder what it is that they are doing different to me and want to fix what I am doing wrong… Can so relate to what you mentioned about that.

    I have done online dating, met people through friends, single events. Still nothing. I don’t nag, not needy and can give a guy space when he needs it. All I really want is someone who has their life together and to have fun and enjoy their company with. That does not seem like much to ask…

    I am a bit of a homebody that might be part of the problem. Maybe might need to get myself out there more then I have been. Prefer meeting people in person then online.

    • Petra says:

      Hi there, it’s not always easy to see what we’re doing wrong. Do contact me if you’d like some help with figuring it out.

  40. gabriel says:

    Gabriel im 27 years old never really had a relationship ive had some special girls in my life but it has never happen that we get to do anything i considered myself a confident person not shy willing too try too aproach a girl too try and start a conversation and i do try often but it never happens they wont give me their number or if they do then they wont awnser if i like someone they wont like me back i try too give flowers try too show i care i try to be a gentleman it wont make a diference ive tried dating sites woman dont respond bad thing im self employed so mostly i only interact with men and most of the friends I have are older then me and are married and dont go out i love too show my feelings when im interested in someone i dont have succes with ladies i dont know what else to do and i live so far away from family on my own and feel lonely i dont know what else to do im just very unlucky on love while i considered myseld succesful in other areas of life Please Help me please give me advice i dont know what else too try

    • Petra says:

      Hi Gabriel. I can’t tell what the issue is – but there is definitely something that gets in the way of your efforts. If you get rejected so much that means you don’t make the right impression on girls you like, or you pick the wrong girls – if you’d like to explore this and find out where the problem is, contact me – we can do it together.

  41. stephanie says:

    I just turned 35yrs old and I’ve been in one relationship that ended in 2005 because he got married behind my back(I wasn’t aware of anything until I RODE PASSED their outside wedding).Since then I hadn’t been on dates,no bday,Christmas gifts,valentines day gifts..NOTHING. its not that I wasn’t trying or meeting new people, I really don’t know what’s wrong. I’ve had 3 male friends since,but we never went on dates nor did anyone knew we were kicking it.I never meet their friends family nothing.they always tell me,”they’re not looking for anything” or “u r wife material/your beautiful etc..BUT THEY START RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER WOMEN/Date them in public OR THEY MARRY THEM!I really don’t understand it.What is it about me that u can’t be seen with me in public, or date me,etc.Men want sex but nothing more.I’m just at a lost.

    • Petra says:

      Maybe you feel you are not good enough to be someone’s wife/girlfriend, maybe you pick the wrong men (the ones who simply don’t click with you so they go on and find other partners). Maybe it’s something else, can’t tell unless we talk in more detail. If you’d like to explore this – I can help, contact me on email.

  42. Bartholomew says:

    Hi! Petra, I really love this website of yours. I’m 38 yrs old never dated a girl in my life not once. I’ve been asking girls out rejected, been on dating sites to many fakes or scammers. So I went on one good dating site like Gothic dating sites but not much luck. Is it me that doing something wrong or is it my life is have to be single for the rest of my life

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know what might be the problem – I would need more info to give you a good answer. If you’d like that please contact me on email.

  43. Bartholomew says:

    Stephanie sorry to hear that. That is bad what he did behind your back

  44. stephanie says:

    Bartholomew..its okay.The marriage ended 2yrs later.He reached out to me afterwards ,we became friends..and guess what!!???yep he got married again for the second time to his current wife(a different girl). This time I found out he got married b/c the 2nd wife called me herself b/c she found my number in his phone.and the rest is history.I have really bad judgment when it comes to the men I try to date.I’m always the one ending up hurt and I don’t know why😒

  45. Tasha says:

    Hi Petra, i’m 22 and i’ve never been in relationship. I only had comfortable relationship with no string attach for 2 years with a guy. then cut it off because he was out there, and i wanna be with someone close. but it didn’t happen. he’s gone and i didn’t get anyone to replace him.

    everyone tried to introduce me with someone, but i have that defensive mode when come to stranger especially guys. however, i don’t have any problem with meeting a guy in Tinder. The problem is i always meet someone who made me feel comfortable. we chat for 2 weeks, we got nice date, when we met it felt like we’ve known each other for long and suddenly he’s gone. it always like that.

    Am i gonna spend the rest of my life being single?

    • Petra says:

      Unless you let down your guard and start dealing with your fears and insecurities, it’s very likely you will be single for a long time.

  46. Christina says:

    This website is very interesting. I like it a lot. I just want to say that everybody’s life is different. Nobody can determine the exact future and nobody should even try. As what pertains to finding love I would like to say that I am another lonely single girl who has never in her 25 years had sex! Sometimes I go crazy just thinking that I’m getting older and despite going on a few dates with assholes and bastards nothing really good happened! I did not find the ONE and I have dreams that say “wait” you’ll find him. But I’m tired of waiting and I also don’t want to make the same damn mistake of dating online because that has only led to misery. But I can’t seem to meet anyone in the real outside world either. It’s so frustrating. I just don’t know what to do. I want to believe in my happily ever after and sometimes I do but then sometimes I don’t. I’m just very afraid that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life and later get eaten by cats when I die. Any thoughts?

    • Petra says:

      You are right all our lives and journeys are very different. But don’t use that as an excuse to not do something about getting what you want. You are far too young to be thinking you’ll stay alone for the rest of your life, but I know it’s bothering you and it’s perfectly fine to be wondering about it. If you’d like to find the real answers why it isn’t happening, I can help. Get in touch via Contact me page and we’ll take it from there.

  47. Abraham Iglesias says:

    After reading this article, it starts to make sense as to why I have a hard time finding one person to start a relationship and seeing where it goes. I’m 25 now and I’ll be turning 26 real soon. So far I’ve been single for 5 years and I’ve been in only one relationship. And now when I think about that relationship, I’m not even sure if i should call it a real relationship becaus it didn’t last long at all. I never understood why some people can find love at a young age and someone myself has never felt any emotion of love such as “butterflies in stomach” or being real nervous around someone I really like. I want to fall in love but now I’m starting to convince myself that love won’t come to me for a long time if it even does come. I just hope that if I am to experience love, it doesn’t come to the point of me being single for so long that I blow off the person that I’m supposed to be with because I learned to not need someone. Is it normal to feel this way?

    • Petra says:

      I think it can be normal. However, if it’s bothering you then it would make sense to look into reasons why you can’t seem to feel attraction (butterflies are attraction, not love) and what’s behind it.

  48. emily says:

    i think it has a LOT to do with your social life and job etc. I had two boyfriends in close succession at uni because i was CONSTANTLY meeting new people so my pool of potential boyfriends was massive. Then shortly after uni i started a new job where I met a new boyfriend. I am now single and have been for around a year which is very new to me. But its just because 1) i started to enjoy being alone a lot more and really feel that being single is good for me at the moment 2)I’m barely meeting anyone new as I’ve had the same job 3 years and mostly the same social life. 3) I’m more fussy now and I know what I want and need from a relationship

    It’s so easy to think “what’s wrong with me” when you don’t meet anyone. I just try to focus on being the best version of me possible so that when I finally meet someone I like be it tomorrow, a years time or a decade away, I will be confident in who I am and I will feel that my other half can be proud to be with me.

  49. Scott says:

    The ‘hotter and healthier’ you are, the better your chances of finding a relationship you’re happy with. Work on yourself, develop yourself, develop your skills, a diverse array of skills, including social skills, personal esteem, none of which can be faked for long. So, keep on working on developing yourself. And be able to deflect situations or emotions which you don’t find positive, as appropriate. Build genuine keen interest diverse abundance in your life as suitable.

  50. Ozzy says:

    Hi!

    I’m tall, good looking, well educated guy, and they also say that I’m very funny, I can easily make a girl laugh. As a teen, and up to my mid 20s, I have been approached by the girls many times, and I dated many girls, and only had one longer relationship (9 months), all the other was very short…mostly one month. The problem is that I live in a small town, so my posibillities are very limited to meet some new person. I’m now 32, and when I meet some girl, they always chase me after first date to be with me. The problem is that they ignore my messages after a few dates, for no reason. I behave well, like on first date, I talk a lot about different things, but obviously they quickly get bored, and I believe that many girls like bad guys. Not even that, when I go out, I never catch a stare or look from the girl, and if I cold approach them, it’s always like “i have a bf” or “i didn’t go out to meet someone new, just to have fun with girls”… if they speak, it’s always one worded answers, or they ignore you, or act bitchy. I feel as if they are fine by themselves, like they don’t need anyone. And before FB thing .10 years sgo, it wasn,t like that at all…I see big difference. Now they’re just looking at their phones, checking likes, so no desire from their side to meet anyone new. I have read many books about relationships and attraction, so I do not make any stupid mistakes or act insecure like many. Yet, I don’t see where I can meet some normal girl, cause at work I’m alone, I rarely have free weekend, and when I go out, it’s always the same, bitchy girls, like they would kill you for your approach, so I gave up on approaching.Yet some people for no special reason always find new girl. I find it hard to click on so many levels with one person when the posibillities are limited. I have met many girls online, but as I said, even when we click, there is always something…they get drunk and be with other guy, or just disappear, and I’m not needy or insecure, so I just don’t get it. No sense at all, because I cannot see the weak spot. Like there is many insecure girls that do not now what they wany, and yet, I see many average and ugly guys with beautiful girls. I know, you think, it’s their personality, but even so, mine is very nice too, I know, girl friends adore me, but I just don’t get it…it seems like destiny, like some things must happen or not in certain times. I am not of those that must have someone at every price, but I’m in my best years, and want to get the best of them, but can’t. Very limited chances here, so many low quality girls that just wants to drink and have fun. As I said, I gave read many books, and changed some things that needed it, so I know that it’s not me. And that is why I feel helpless, like I will never find the one. Many girls just chase guys who acts so disinterested, or are just using them, and they complain, but are still crazy about them. They say that they don’t like players, but are always after them, because they see them as a challenge, to choose just them among the others. Or they look just busy guys, and when you’re single, no girl wants you. I am mostly fine by being single, but I would love to find some normal person with decent looking and nice personality with which I could click well. But I don’t see any solution in the near future. Thanks for reading this, I know that it was long. but I wanted to describe it well, so you can get a better picture.

    • Petra says:

      If you are always attracting the wrong kind of girls, it has to be something in you that’s attracting them. Girls are not all the same and they don’t all want the same type of guy. You beliefs might be getting in the way of your choices, or your criteria. Also, confidence – maybe you’re confident in some ways, but you may not be confident you can find a girl who will love you just the way you are – and that’s the most important type of confidence you need here. If you’d like to explore the reasons why you can’t find a partner – I can help.

  51. Scott says:

    This is an interesting topic, I am 52 and not married but living with my GF. I would be one of those that “feel that they must have someone in their lives all the time, so they keep going from one relationship to the next, since they absolutely dread the thought of being single. Their need to be with someone is stronger than desire to have a meaningful relationship. Because of that they hardly break up before they meet someone new, so they appear like they find partners easily: the truth is, they just can’t stand being alone and do everything they can to keep the old relationship, whether they are happy in it or not.” and with that said…I’ve married twice and both times was more for convenience than anything (sad i know), the first ended after a year, and the second lasted 16 and I have two awesome children from her, although If it were not for the children, it would not have lasted that long and there were many times early on when I thought what a huge mistake, and yet I stuck it out until she divorced me for another man. It was a year after we split and I met my current GF, whom I love very much and we have been dating for almost 5 years. After 4 years living together she left because she felt I wasn’t the one and the thought of our future together was depressing. It was as painful as anything I have ever experienced, and just when I was getting over her she came back. We ended up going out with each other after the few months off, and we have been living together since. Lately I’ve noticed all the same signs of depression in her prior to our breakup, so I asked what was bothering her. She said she loves me but not like I love her, and that she has been miserable for a long time and would basically rather be single. I am back to being in shock again, and am trying to convince myself that why would I want to be with someone who is not happy and mutually in love. Then the feeling of being alone kicks in and I find myself justifying, and defending myself, because after all I am a good person that may not have everything to offer, but still bring a lot to the relationship, and why can’t she see past the negative. So here I am in a dead end relationship, hoping and praying for it to change and be o.k., she wants out and feels sorry for me and my pitiful existence and I am heartbroken, angry, sad, and paranoid all over again. I am a pretty smart guy, and empathize with everyone I meet in most every situation, I try to be a good listener. I hardly ever put my own needs first, (probably my biggest problem), all I ever want is to share my life with someone that likes to have pleasant conversation, be kind to each other, work together for a common goal and have a desire to lift each other up when in need without judgement. I googled “Why is it so hard to find someone to love” and found this blog. I have read many of the posts and your replies are very good. I would appreciate hearing what you think.

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know how much you’ve communicated but if there is more to talk through – that’s the only way to possibly save your relationship. Honesty, full disclosure, getting yourself out there to communicate how you feel. If she still wants out – then why stick together in a dead relationship? Who can be happy in that relationship? What’s more important to you – having a companion just for the sake of not being alone, or being on your own but with a chance to meet someone new that will love you again, and without the weight of the sadness and anger you feel now. I know it’s not easy to make that decision, and I know it’s not easy to be alone – but ultimately, it’s always better to take the path that will bring us closer to happiness. Short term harder, long term always more rewarding. But first, figure out is there a chance to save it, and what needs to change in order for that to happen. Good luck!

  52. Petra says:

    Thank you! 🙂

  1. 22 November, 2012

    […] My last post was about why some people find partners easier than others and focused on giving you some insight into why and when it does work. I would like to continue writing on this topic by taking a closer look at the opposite situation – what happens when it’s not happening? Today’s post talks about one of the culprits: comparing new/potential partners with an ex who made a significant impact on our life. […]

  2. 27 October, 2014

    I love your blog

    I have read this article and enjoyed it