Is your love life in your hands?
Romantic love is one of the great mysteries of life. We usually have no idea why or how we fall in love. It just happens. Or not.
We have little knowledge of what really makes us attractive to others and what attracts us to them. Even if we have a list of preferred or desired qualities, our heart often chooses to ignore it.
We get incredible chemistry with people who are not a good match for us or even relationship material. Then we meet someone who looks great on paper but no matter how much we try, we can’t get romantically interested in them.
Since our lives are primarily ruled by logic and thought, when we try to understand something so illogical as love we feel confused and lost. The whole partner search and selection process feels completely random and inexplicable, and we think we have no control over it.
Usually, when we don’t know something, we read books, take courses, go to school and learn. But when it comes to love and romance, we are offered no guidance or lessons. There is no manual and no school for love.
Our parents are our primary teachers of love and loving, but unfortunately they too don’t know much about it. They’ve also been left to their own devices, probably even more so than the generations that came after them.
Since there is no wide-spread method or system for finding love, we are usually advised to wait until it happens because “it will happen sooner or later”. When someone says that to you they are basically saying: “I have no idea how or where you’ll find it, but since most people do, your chances are good.”
Which is, of course – of very little consolation or help for people who are not there yet.
In other words, we have to figure it out as we go. Which would be ideal if everyone naturally knew how to find love. But in the opposite case it is a recipe for disaster, disappointment and a lot of pain.
There has never been a human experience that is more glorified and valued than romantic love in theory, and more hurtful and painful in practice. Fed with fairy-tales and books and “happy-ever-after” movie stories, we enter the dating world which such great hopes and expectations, it’s no wonder our hopes get crushed at the first opportunity.
So how can we find our way to love when the odds are stacked against us?
There is only one way.
It’s through accepting and understanding one of the biggest truths of human experience: each and every one of us is responsible for the state of their (love) life.
We are the ones who, both consciously and unconsciously, create our life situation and experiences – and if what we’re creating is rubbish, then we need to go back to the drawing board.
You can blame your parents for not being able to love each other or yourself the right way, or their unhappy marriage and ugly divorce for giving you a bad example of what love is.
You can say it’s all down to your dysfunctional childhood, school bullies, lack of confidence, average appearance, introverted character and so on.
If you can’t do that because you look stunning, have a ton of great friends and a loving family… well, you can still put the blame on all the horrible people you dated that hurt, rejected or abandoned you. Or the ones who didn’t want to date you. Or the general lack of available, well-put-together partners.
There will always be a reason outside of you and your control.
But the only way to make any change is if you yourself are in control of it.
And – like it or not – in this case you are in control.
It’s not about other people, and it’s not about your personality, nor your looks – it’s about how you show up in the world and what you do with the cards you’ve been dealt with.
If you choose to go down the blaming route – you will just get stuck in resentment and keep feeling powerless to do anything about your love situation. You’ll make a strong case for yourself and list all the reasons why others (or your unchangeable attributes) were or are the reason why you aren’t happy in love.
If you do that, you will most likely stay alone or settle for unhappy and unhealthy relationships for the rest of your life.
Ask yourself: even if you are right in your thinking, is that what you really want?
The only way this blame game can be changed for good is if you stop pointing fingers on things you can’t change and start looking for things you can. Inside and outside yourself. Primarily inside, of course.
Once you start doing that, you will see that everything you see as solid and fixed about your love fortune is flexible and, ultimately, very much in your control. It can all be changed by you, and only you.
Changing your thinking is where the change starts. If your mind and heart stay in the same pattern, your life will stay in your current life pattern of disappointment and pain.
So no matter how impossible or far fetched this concept seems to you right now, please take a moment and give it some thought. All the things you did so far haven’t worked, so why not try a different approach?
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
Do you feel your love life is in our out of your control?
What makes you think so?
Find out what others think and join the conversation in the comments section.