What is true confidence – and why it’s crucial in finding love
I often talk about the importance of being confident when you’re looking for love. But I am aware confidence is a rather abstract term that is often misunderstood or misinterpreted. Also, even if we know we need it, we often don’t know how to get it. So let’s clarify that a bit.
We all know why we need to be confident when looking for jobs. You don’t want to appear clueless or unsure you can do it. Many of us have seen confident people get jobs over more qualified, but insecure people. They just wing it – and persuade the interviewer they are the best candidate even when they objectively aren’t.
The whole “pick up artist” movement is built on confidence. The idea that you can learn how to seduce people, get dates or even make them fall in love with you – is based on the fact that when we appear confident in our attractiveness, we will become attractive to many people. And that is very true. Confidence is attractive. And anything we believe in, will be mirrored in how others see us.
Both examples I described involve a level of pretence. You know your real skills (knowledge, looks, qualities) are not that great, but you pretend they are. You persuade yourself and others that you are their best choice. You get what you want – and that’s fine. That’s one way of getting things in life.
But the type of confidence I consider true confidence doesn’t come from faking it. It is confidence that comes from being certain that what you have to offer is good enough. It’s the confidence that will always get you success, and you don’t have to “fake it till you make it”. You can just be yourself and still be successful in getting jobs or partners.
That is the confidence I want to talk about today.
There is one more important aspect of confidence – there isn’t only one kind. You can be confident in your career, but be completely lost when it comes to relationships. You can be confident around your friends, but feel insecure in the company of strangers. Your confidence in certain area or situation can vary a lot.
That’s why we often don’t see we have an issue with confidence – we think we already have it. But it’s only present in certain parts of our lives, and we’re missing it in others. It doesn’t automatically spill into all of them, even though your confidence in one can influence another – but only to a point.
Confidence is a direct consequence of success. If you’re successful in something – you will be confident about future success. You will also attract more success in that part of your life. That’s why you get new jobs easier when you’ve already had great jobs and been good at them. And that’s why some people find partners easily – they are sure they can do it.
Confidence and success are inseparable – and they enhance each other. Unfortunately, same goes for lack of confidence and lack of success. You don’t succeed, your confidence plummets. Your chances of succeeding diminish. It becomes a vicious circle.
So if you haven’t been successful in love, how can you still be confident about your future success? You can, but you have to be sure that you are good enough for someone to love you. You have to know that without a doubt. No matter what the outside world thinks of it. That is what I call true confidence.
It’s the confidence that doesn’t need to be validated by others, because your belief in yourself is so strong, and you love yourself enough – that your inner voice is stronger. You know you are worth it.
Rejection and failure have no impact on true confidence – because you know that being rejected doesn’t say anything about your value. It’s simply a statement of someone’s preferences, not one that says you can’t be loved.
We often think that being rejected (repeatedly) means that something is inherently wrong with us. But it only means we don’t know our true value.
The world isn’t helping us to develop confidence. Our upbringing is the main culprit for feeling insecure – we are either not praised enough and constantly told we need to improve, correct, change, behave a certain way – so we lose our true voice, and stop believing we can be good at anything.
Or – we are praised too much, over-protected and sheltered from any kind of failure, told we can do no wrong – so once we experience rejection we are so crushed it’s hard to bounce back.
Everything in our society is measured and compared, so if we don’t fit into the standard – we feel flawed. If we don’t look a certain way, achieve success in school and careers, don’t hit the usual milestones of getting married, having children (and by certain age!) – we feel unsuccessful, and fear we missed our chance for being happy, validated, appreciated and loved.
But this is exactly the challenge you have to deal with and overcome if you want to be truly happy. If you want to have that true confidence – you have to stop comparing yourself to others, and accept your uniqueness. Love it, not just tolerate it. You have to dig deep and get to know yourself – to find that life that is truly yours, and truly works for you. You have to stop looking for approval from the outside world, and start giving it to yourself.
You have to learn to love yourself to be sure you are worthy of love. That is the type of confidence nobody will ever be able to take away. That is the type of confidence that makes you irresistible, and gets you matched the most precisely with people who love who you are.
And that is the true confidence that will get you anything and everything you want. Love, happiness, security, peace of mind, and joy in your heart. When you know you’re worthy of love, it comes quickly and easily.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
What is confidence for you?
What part of your life feel truly confident in? How does that reflect on your success in that area?
What do you think you need to become truly confident about your value as a person and a partner?
Thank you for contributing – much appreciated.