It’s not you, it’s me: dealing with rejection

You went out on a date and he never called again. Or you went out on several dates – and everything seemed like it was going well, but then she stopped answering your calls. Maybe you were even dating for months… and suddenly the other one became increasingly busy and remote, until you gave up trying and realised they actually broke up with you but just didn’t have the guts to tell you that. In a rare occasion, the person who is breaking up with you will actually tell you the reason why. But it is still very likely they will lie, in a useless effort to make you feel better.

Naturally – some of your first thoughts will be: “Why why oh why? What happened? What did I do? Did I say something wrong? Do something? Tell me!” You want an answer, an explanation, a closure. Unless you are too proud or too afraid to insist on hearing the reason – or you just think there is a slim chance you will get a straight answer.

But even then – your mind will probably get occupied with all kinds of wild conspiracy theories and those occasionally consoling, but not very probable explanations: phone broke down and he/she lost all the numbers… too busy taking care of a sick grand-aunt… swamped with work/studying… favourite pet went missing so preoccupied with the search… and others, more or less imaginative, silly excuses. Whatever the “alibi”, whether you came up with it, or the person who left you: it doesn’t really satisfy you. Every time you think of him or her your heart sinks a bit. Whether you get an explanation or the unpleasant silence: the result is – your feelings were hurt.

If that situation happened more than once, you might be prone to endless analysing every single word you said and every step you’ve made – hoping you’ll find your fatal mistake. Because there must be one, right?

Well, not really. The reason the other person doesn’t want to be with you any more is not because you did something wrong. It has nothing to do with you not being good enough, or attractive enough, or fun enough. It is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you, actually.

It is just their choice – and like any choice in life, it is totally subjective. It belongs to the person who left you. And whatever the full explanation, it boils down to this: they just didn’t think you were a person they want to date. They are not convinced you would be a good match. It is their personal, biased observation. Not the universal truth!

If you understand that is just a choice, not a statement about your qualities as a person, you will be able to look at the whole situation from a more realistic perspective, and save yourself from heartache. Think about it in reverse: when you reject someone, do you think that there is something wrong with that person? Do you think they are not worthy of having a relationship? Or you just think: well, I am just not interested in dating her/him. I don’t think we have enough in common. I am not attracted to him/her. And you know it is more about you then them. You are the one who makes a judgement, based on your preferences. And vice versa – so do the people who reject you.

Therefore, it really doesn’t matter what’s the reason someone rejected you. Ultimately it was because they did not see you have a future together. And the truth is: you didn’t – because if only one person wants to be in a relationship, there is no relationship to speak of.

And do not worry you missed out on the potential love of your life. Because someone who is right for you will not leave you with no explanation. In fact, someone who is right for you will not leave you after one/three/seven dates. They will stick around.


What is the hardest part of rejection for you? Leave your comment below.

(UPDATE: comments on this post are closed. Please feel free to contact me via CONTACT or COACHING pages if you have questions on this topic.)

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2 Responses

  1. Melissa says:

    Awww can’t wait to find the ‘one’ so true ….

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