How you look is not the issue

look-not-issueOf course we all assess potential partners’ looks as part of a selection process. That is usually the first criteria we apply – do they look the part? Do we look the part?

It’s not that I think you should completely ignore appearance in your search for love. I don’t think you could, even if you tried to.

But you can and you should be able to look past it – otherwise you’ll always be reducing yourself and others to only one, shallow dimension of attraction.

There is no way you’ll ever be happy, truly happy in love, if you measure yours and other people’s appeal primarily through looks.

And here is why.



What’s your opinion on the importance of looks? Do you feel your chances to find your one are heavily dependent on it?

Please share in the comment section.

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14 Responses

  1. Klaudia says:

    Looks are hugely important, no matter how much you want to deny it. I have been told a few times by men how unattractive I am. On the other hand, I see plenty of women who don’t take care of their appearance at all (not to be confused with attractiveness) and somehow they manage to find men. Obviously, those men are of similar sort to those women. All men care about is looks! I understand the objections raised by one of your readers. I, myself, don’t see how people like you can help anyone find a long lasting relationship that will turn to marriage. This is simply not true that everyone will find love in their lives in good enough time. This is caused by a number of factors that are beyond woman’s control- one of these factors being physical appearance.

  2. CT says:

    Hi Petra,

    Thanks for this video! I really needed to hear this today. “Beauty is only skin deep” – this is an old adage and even though in our media-saturated culture it is sometimes hard for people to see it and believe it, it remains very true!

  3. Ms. Jones says:

    Hi Petra-
    I watched this video and also read the email you posted from the young woman.
    We now live in a society that is obsessed with youth and beauty. I was always attractive and fit – especially in my youth. That did make it easier to find more men.
    However, as you point out, they were not necessarily the “right” men for me.
    I have dated all types of men. Some handsome, some not so handsome.
    In the end, you are correct.
    Finding a person who treats you well, who respects you, someone you respect is not easy.
    As a woman, I see many men have prejudices based on looks and age. I wonder what they see when they look in the mirror.
    To the young lady who called you middle aged an unattractive, welcome to the world if hypermedia superficial indoctrination.
    She will be very lucky if she looks half as good as you when she reaches your age.
    I agree, how we feel about ourselves, how we treat one another and are values are most important.
    There is no denying that attraction plays an important part in a relationship. If a person is only attractive or attracted on a superficial level, there is not enough substance to make the relationship grow.
    And just to address the young lady, if you feel that way about yourself, you will overlook the good qualities in men that are not the handsomest ones.
    Personally, some of the most handsome men I have dated were also to cruelest. Also, some of the not so handsome men were cruel. They all had one similar characteristic – they were full of themselves and did not value me as a friend and as a person.
    It is not easy to find a quality man whether or not you are beautiful or young. Finding a man you can have fun with in a harmonious relationship is rare.
    As a caveat, I would also like to say that it is important to take care of your body by getting proper rest and exercise and eating a healthy diet. This will make you feel better and believe me you will attract more attention if you feel better about yourself.
    But just the same, even if you attract attention, a person must be mindful of what kind of attention they want to allow in their circle.
    If a guy is just attracted to superficial things, then you will have a very superficial man on your hands.
    Would you really want that?

  4. Lesley Graham says:

    Hi Petra.
    Just to say, that I’ve been listening to and reading your blogs for well over a 18 months now. I certainly don’t see the relevance of the ‘strange’ comment, the person sent in their email. Besides the fact that it’s completely untrue!
    You exude confidence and attractiveness and I’m more than certain you will not allow it to affect you in any way. I really appreciate your blogs and have found them incredibly helpful, when I felt a bit lost.
    I agree with your comments on looks.
    I think It works both ways.
    I paid attention to other bloggs you did and changed (somewhat reluctantly), my expectations of how my partner looks. For instance, I originally ruled out bald/ balding men. Men more than a few years older than me. There were certain jobs, that I wouldn’t consider dating a man who did them, etc, etc.
    My current partner is a result of these changes in attitude that I made. He’s older, bald and I wouldn’t previously have dated him, but I did. We get on so well and laugh all the time and have an amazing connection. I’m so happy that I changed my outlook.
    So, I totally agree with your opinion.
    Thank you for all your advice and support!

  5. CJ says:

    I never post on anything, but feel so strongly on this one. I agree with you, Petra- looks are not the issue! Everyone has something beautiful about them. It’s about confidence and a willingness to see beyond what is skin deep. Self-love and self-worth will set you free.
    And ps, Petra – you are very beautiful!

  6. Ros Bowles says:

    Hi Petra, thanks for your video, really interesting and it is an absolute reality check. You are so right that it’s about how you feel inside-,if you feel beautiful and worthy as an individual then it does shine through and that attracts people. Of course it helps if you’re beautiful / handsome. I’ve been out with some hot looking men but we didn’t emotionally connect and they weren’t right for me. I guess it’s important to get out there, meet people and know to yourself that you have a lot to offer and be proud of that. Then that exudes the rest?

    its unfortunate the 25 yo wasn’t brave enough to leave a proper email, hopefully she’ll listen to what you have to say in your second video, as you talk a lot of sense!

  7. Susie says:

    Looks matter less with age, and can be counterbalanced by other qualities. What is important is to be on an equal level. I worked intensly with a man who in my opinion wasn’t attractive. He was shorter than me and walked funny, but oh – his brain! Circumstances made us part, but I’m still wondering whether or not he was my soul mate.

  8. Marty says:

    I think looks are more important for woman money more important for men in the dating game.A wealthy man will always meet more potential partners than a average man.
    A good looking woman will always get plenty of potential partners than average looking woman.
    It’s just how it is and remember there’s no such thing as destiny and there is not always someone for everyone.
    Luck is always in there of course some are lucky others like myself are not unfortunately life’s like that.
    Regards Marty.

  9. Adam Lea says:

    If looks are not important, why does so much dating advice emphasise keeping yourself well groomed, dress smartly, and for men in extreme cases, working out, or at least not looking like a fat slob? Looks do matter, and there is scientific evidence to support this, and it is not just in dating, it happens in the workplace and even legal situations (some evidence that attractive people get lighter court sentences). Beauty discriminates, the best we can do is to try and put the best version of ourselves out there.

  10. Anne says:

    Hi Petra

    I agree with everything in your video. I knew a woman in her 30s who was physically attractive and made an effort to look good by dressing well, doing her hair well and putting on make up. She attracted a lot of male attention, unfortunately much of it wasn’t good. Her last relationship was with a guy who she found out after they broke up was unfaithful to her. Following the break up this guy became emotionally abusive towards her. She has dated a number of guys who weren’t right for her. The woman believed that presentation was important in finding a partner etc

    On the other hand I was friends with a woman who would not be considered attractive by society’s standards. She is a large-sized woman and has a medical condition, but she found a man to marry. He is very caring and committed towards her and I was at their wedding a few years back.

  11. Gerry says:

    I have been treated very poorly on blind dates or online ones. They think I’m pretty but because I don’t meet their body type requirements I’m a throw away. I’ve had this w/ all men. I’m healthy & keep myself up but men seem to only want a slim body. They don’t even try to get to know me. I can see their face drop when I say hello. One guy even hit on the waitress on our date & said he had to go home to do work. This was stated as soon as he saw me. I was very attractive & slim in my younger years but a health issue has caused maintaining my weight very difficult. I had no problem then, but my feelings have been hurt so many times that I can’t try anymore. I am a 52 year old woman who has a lot to offer(I think) but I can’t even shoe that because I get shut right down

    • Petra says:

      It’s a challenge for you – to look past your looks and accept yourself. If you can do that, so will others. There is a number of examples of people who have been disfigured by an accident or disease, and have overcome that disadvantage and found a good partner. And those partners are truly with them because they love their essence. Look up Nick Vujicic and Turia Pitt. I know this is not easy to do, but if you really want to be in a relationship, you’ll have to tackle your own feelings and thoughts about yourself first. That’s where everything starts. No man will love you for yourself prednisone if you don’t think you’re worth loving just as you are. Take care.

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