Will I ever find someone to love?

Some time ago, I wrote this post: ‘How to stop thinking you’ll be alone forever?’ – and not only it became the most popular and most read post I’ve ever written – but it also gave me a new and very important insight: there are many people out there, not just in their early 20s, but also in their 30s and 40s – who’ve never ever been in a romantic relationship.

Now, I’m not talking about people who actually don’t desire to be in one. Believe it or not, some people are like that – and they are perfectly fine with their single status. I’m talking about the rest of us who truly want to have that special someone, and feel that is a part of life they’d rather not be without. And if you’ve never ever been in a relationship – it’s only natural to wonder why, and ask yourself: Will I ever find someone?

I bet you often hear answers like: ‘It will happen when you’re ready’ and ‘It will happen when you least expect it’. But what if you feel you ARE ready, and you can’t help but expect it ALL the time? Then those phrases start sounding so empty, and not really consoling – more like irritating and in the end, they make you feel even worse. Because they reinforce that feeling of helplessness – there is nothing you can do – except hope. And wait.

I’d like to help you. I am absolutely sure you can find love. Every single human being on this planet can. And everyone deserves to love and be loved. But I understand how hard it is to feel alone and lonely, with nothing to hold on to – how can you hope for something to happen when it’s never happened to you? So I won’t use the empty phrases. I will instead give you something you can work with, something that will change your perspective and get you moving in the right direction.

See, you are not helpless when it comes to your love life. In fact, you are very much in control. I know it might be hard to hear this – but you are the one responsible for the state of your love life. Even though odds might look like they’re stacked against you, even if you rarely get asked out and regularly get rejected when you ask someone, even though all your dates have ended in disaster – you are still the most important ingredient in the mix.

Which is actually good news! It’s damn great news. Because YOU are the one who can change things, you are the one who holds the key.

You absolutely MUST acknowledge the fact you are in control, to be able to change what’s currently happening (or not happening) to you. You have to admit it to yourself, you have to own it. You have to stop blaming others: parents, your childhood, high school misfortune, better looking friends, that one guy/girl who rejected you when you were 13, your environment, circumstances, the fact you live in a small town and there’s nobody to choose from, the fact you’re too busy to go on dates. You have to stop looking outside, and start looking inside. Because that’s where the real issue lies.

Having said that – please, please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault if you just didn’t know better. Nobody ever showed you how. But it’s fine, because you can learn it now. Also, please don’t regret you haven’t done it 5 or 10, or 20 years ago. That has nothing to do with anything. The rest of your life starts today – and thinking about the past won’t change it. It will just distract you from more important things: your present and your future. And your past doesn’t determine your future either. The fact you haven’t had a partner until today, it has absolutely no barring on whether you’ll meet one tomorrow.

You have to start thinking, feeling and doing things differently. That is the key. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start looking for new ways to go about it, things you haven’t tried yet. Definitely get rid of the mindset “nobody wants me”, and start asking yourself this: what am I doing, thinking or feeling right now that’s preventing me from finding love? If the way I’ve been doing things so far hasn’t worked, let’s see what I can do differently – to get a different result.

I know it sounds like a lot of work. And you know what, it is. But it’s the kind of work that will get you to a whole new and oh-so-much-better place. And it’s worth it.

If you don’t know where to begin and how to go about it, I can help. The ‘how’ part is very individual, so we’ll have to work on it together. If you’re up for it, you can schedule a free coaching consultation and we’ll explore the best way to move your love life in the right direction.


If you have a story or experience to share, please leave a comment below. Always happy to hear your opinion, and your ideas on topics you’d like to hear more about.

Stay in touch: join the conversation on Facebook.

(UPDATE: comments on this post are closed. Please feel free to contact me via CONTACT or COACHING pages if you have questions on this topic.)

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107 Responses

  1. sashae johnson says:

    I think I over think everything I do, so I always end up being single and I hate when guys just think of me as a sex object. Am I wrong to turn away from people like that?

    • Petra says:

      Hi Sashae! If this happens with all guys who approach you – you feel they just see you as a sex object, then it’s worth exploring why you feel this way. I am sure there are guys who are just into sex with you, but I am sure there are other ones who are into you as a person as well. Can’t really say much from your brief comment, but – if you’d like to have a bit more insight feel free to send me an email with more details. You can do it via my ‘Contact’ page. Take care and thank you for commenting.

    • Liz says:

      Sashae, I’m not sure what you mean but I’ve met men who instantly talk about sex quickly or in the first conversation. They are very raunchy and forward. I leave those guys alone. I feel it’s disrespectful but at least they tell me right away so I know where I stand.

      • nick says:

        At least you have the courage to talk to someone

        • Ms Jones says:

          Hi Nick – That is right. At last she has the courage to talk to someone. We cannot control what comes out of the other person’s mouth, only our own. I meet loads of guys that want to have sex, talk about sex, would be inappropriate partners for me (I am 57 -they might be 25). I chat with them but steer clear of anyone who does not respect my personal boundaries. And I respect their personal boundaries as well. At for the raunchy sex talk, I hear far too much of it. There are some that find this okay. I would not use it as an opening remark.

          If you are a shy guy, go out with groups and have people introduce you. Also, I notice an amazing amount of young men who do not bathe, brush their teeth, or bother to put on fresh clean clothes. What girl wants to talk to a guy she can barely stand near?

          Just go with a group if you can and listen to the conversation. You’ll find a moment when you might have something to say. At least you’ll get used to being around other people. Be nice and if the people are not nice back, they are not for you.

          Good luck Nick.

    • jackie says:

      I so agree with you …Everyone I’ve tried to meet or date since my divorce 5 years ago seen to be that way . Sex is what they seen to really want . So I gave up and stopped even trying .

    • Neil says:

      Not all guys are the same as u think Sashe.My self i have the same problem too but may be we could figure it out.Please add me on facebook.Name’s “Muneer Vahid” (Neil Ash).

    • There is some men that will do that and some will not do that

  2. Ben says:

    This girl gets followed by her ex who punched her. Ive been with her for 5 months, but since we got back from holidays, I lost my job. Now, she kicked me out. Then on Valentines Day her ex is at her house. He used to drive past for 1 month at the beginning to see her. His persistency is pissing me right off, I can function, Im beginning to be anxiety into depression stages, Ive told her how it makes me feel and she tells me how much she feels for me. Will this past?

    • Petra says:

      Hi Ben. Thanks for your question, I think you should talk with your girlfriend openly and honestly about this situation and see how she feels about this ex, and whether she needs help to move away from his grasp. Only she has the answers you are looking for. If he hit her, and she is still seeing him – there must be a reason why, and it would be fair from her to tell you the truth, if she really loves you.

  3. anonymous says:

    How am I supposed to get people to even want to be around me? I’ve only ever had one relationship, and that was with a girl that I later found out was just using me to get with a friend of mine. Besides that and a handful of one-off friendly lunch dates, I haven’t gotten ANYWHERE in my adult life (didn’t get anywhere as a teenager either, but I disregard that for the most part). Had depression in the past as well, but after I had gotten my first job that had largely fallen away. Right now it’s just soul-crushing loneliness.

    Here’s the thing that makes it way too incredibly difficult for me though: I’m only attracted to familiarity. I have literally no interest in a supermodel that I don’t know personally, but will eventually find myself irresistably attracted to any female friend I make over time. Sometimes it’s over many months. Occasionally it takes years. But it eventually happens, and once it does I end up invariably alienating her.How would you fix something like that?

    • Petra says:

      Hello and thanks for commenting. Being attracted to similarity is actually great – if you get to know a person and then you fall in love, that is the real thing: you like them just as they are. And the chances of staying together and having a happy relationship are much higher. But, you probably have a self-worth issue that makes you see yourself not good enough to be someone’s partner. So you end up being a friend (close but safe, you are less likely to be rejected), but if the girl only wants friendship and doesn’t see you as partner material then you are rejected once you try to get out of the friend zone. There could be many reasons for how you feel and why that all happens, and I’d love to help you but we’d have to talk about this in more detail. If you’d like that do get in touch for an intro session (it’s free). We’ll have a Skype chat and then decide if we want to take it further into coaching.

      • paija says:

        I have the same issue, men don’t approach me or find me attractive. I’ve been single 3 years and I’m ready to be a wife and a mother. How can this be fixed.ppj

        • Petra says:

          Can’t be fixed with one comment, sorry. You’ll need to give me more information so I can tell you what might be the reason. Write me an email with more details, your age and your relationship experience so far – or even better, contact me for a consultation.

    • anonymous24 says:

      What! This happens to men too? I thought I was just wired differently because I kept pushing men away once I realized I was getting attracted to them. I can’t judge guys on their physical appearance alone because it just feels wrong. It makes perfect sense to me but it’s so frustrating that no one else gets it. I’d have thought no man could think this way.

      I’m sorry you have to go through this. But take heart in the fact that you’re not alone and I appreciate you for putting familiarity before sex appeal. Hats off to you!

  4. Tomaz says:

    I’m getting really sick and tired of the dating game. I’ve had a lot of relationships in the past, they’ve ended for one reason or another. Mainly sabotaged by me. Then I get upset when they marry the next guy. I’ve had therapy, didn’t work, hypnosis, didn’t work. I’m just getting older and I am not keen to try again with someone new, these relationships have taken a toll, emotionally.

    It’s hard to see all your friends happy, with their loved ones, and your the ‘wierd single one’ at parties etc. the women I meet now are interested in idiots, the nice guy that I’ve grown into can’t get a sniff. If I returned to the a-hole I was I’d have more success. It’s a very strange world this.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Tomaz. I am sorry but I don’t agree with you. If you want something genuine and good, a real relationship and connection – you can’t play games or treat people badly. Maybe if you try to be a nice guy for a change? Real, grown-up women like and appreciate nice guys. Only girls who seek attention go for men who play games with their mind and heart. That can be very exciting but it wears off quickly. And sooner or later the girl finds someone nice and marries him. Why wouldn’t you be that guy?

      • jackie says:

        I’m Jackie I’m 57 and I have the same issue. I feel like I’m not pretty enough , good enough . It’s damned depressing no one wants to start out dating getting to know some one ., My town is small I was gone for 27 years came back 5 years ago . There is still no one I’d even think of wanting to date . I’ve tried online dating and it was all the same .. After talking before meeting they ask for naked pictures . Like they have to to scope out the body to see if its worth meeting first . I guess I’m old fashioned on trying to date . Then you get rejected because you refuse to give pictures . it makes me feel totally worth less and rejected . The profiles are not what they say like I’m loving caring all that I give up .

        • Petra says:

          I get your frustration, but don’t give up. The way you feel about yourself is a much bigger issue here than the lack of available men. Think about how you feel about your own attractiveness as a person and a partner. If you keep getting the same response from men, there must be a reason. When we keep meeting the same “type” it’s because we have certain fears or insecurities (or beliefs) that attract them to us. If you’d like to talk about this and explore further, do contact me for a consultation.

    • andrea watson says:

      I have plenty of friends at school but i need to find the right guy in my life who can except me for who i am.most of my friends already have boy friends,felling lonely here :(,
      or is it just me.

      • Petra says:

        Dear Andrea, thank you for sharing and I know it’s hard to be in that spot. Let me know if you’d like to have a consultation and see how I can help you (just send me an email via my CONTACT page).

  5. My problem is that am alone all time, all my friends are old, also in the work and nearby people 🙂 also am shay to start talking to anyone, always live alone, so what should i do ?

    • Petra says:

      Hi Hossam. You have to make an effort to meet people – either online or offline, but things won’t just fall into your lap. If there are not many opportunities for you to meet potential partners in your current social circles, you’ll have to find new ones. Online dating is a good start for a shy guy, why not try that? Or enroll in some courses, book club, exercise classes – I don’t know where you live but I am sure there are opportunities for you to socialise more within your age group and with people who share your interests and passions.

    • jackie says:

      Same here very shy at first . And hard to talk to someone I don’t know .. I think its mostly fear and scared I’ll be rejected any way . i m tired of being alone all the time and the third wheel so to speak . So I just gave up .

  6. neman says:

    I am 28 and I have been in a few relationships,which didn’t work almost all of the time because of the guys. One used to hit me,the other kept in touch with his ex too much and I couldn’t handle it, the next guy didn’t tell me he had a gf and the last one was a nutcase.
    My friends say I expect too much out of guys(they understand my reasons for leaving these guys) and that I should lower my expectations.
    I don’t want a handsome hunk.someone decent will do,but we should be on the same wavelength.should have the same ideologies and I have been failing to find someone like that.
    I keep thinking maybe my weight is the reason many guys don’t approach me at first glance,but I’m not that huge.I can fit into a person’s arms at least.
    I keep thinking that something must be wrong with me.besides the weight problem,I don’t know what makes men not want to have a proper relationship with me.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Neman, I think you might have low self esteem and that’s what’s attracting the guys who don’t respect you and treat you badly. Of course you should not lower your expectations – there is no need to do that to date bullies, cheaters and nutcases! I’d recommend to read my guide – 5 Key Reasons Why You Can’t Find Love, and let me know if you recognise yourself in there somewhere, that should help you understand why you attract boys that are not good for you. I don’t know about your weight and looks but I am sure that can contribute to the low self-esteem issue. The key is how you see yourself – if you think you’re valuable and good enough for a nice guy, you will attract him. Good luck and if you’d like to get some coaching around this feel free to contact me for a free consultation.

  7. Ms Jones says:

    I have always had many boyfriends and am now just last 50. Never married and no children. The last man I dated I thought I would surely marry. He had some serious problems but I loved him so much and thought we could make a great team. It was my mistake that I thought his problems were surmountable, but they were not. I have no close friends as many of them have moved away and I am not close to my family. My closest relative died recently. I am a smart, beautiful loyal friend. I got so burnt the last time around. I feel exhausted and invisible. I have never felt more lonely in my entire life.

    • Petra says:

      Hello! Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you feel this way but please do not lose hope, it’s never too late to find love. And there is always a better and easier way to look for it. Fortunately or unfortunately it is mostly our own beliefs, feelings and attitudes that keep us from finding it! I’d love to help if you want to try coaching – please contact me on email (via Contact page) and we can set up a Skype consultation.

      • Ms Jones says:

        Thank you for replying. My belief is that I am very lovable and I live in a big city where it is hard to make connections with other people because everyone is always rushing around. It is expensive to go out and I have tried on line dating to no avail. I have not given up hope but I have been very depressed and so many people tell me that there are no good men in this town (NYC). I have lived here most of my life and I can tell you that many of them seem to be perfectly content being single unless they have gotten so old they need a babysitter. There is a lot of disfunction around here. I do not have access to Skype so I do not think you have any more to offer me other than commenting on this site. I appreciate the fact that you say I should not give up because it is so cliche around here for people to say if the guy’s don’t marry by 50 they never will. I don’t believe that is true. The last one misled me and it was a very painful experience . I tried my best and learned some important lessons but it was very draining. Unbeknownst to me he was using drugs and this created a wedge in our relationship not only because of his unhealthy habits, but because of his bad news friends who made things difficult. I could not really comprehend what was happening and began to withdraw from it because of the strain. He was extremely hostile to me after that which he never had been before. I was so kind to him and was really worn out by all this. Apart from these problems, he was smart, funny, gentle and loving. But then the top finally blew off and we parted. I am not a quitter but love is a 2 way street and he was, after all was said and done, content to be alone rather than hammer out the differences.

  8. Ms Jones says:

    By the way I did read your first newsletter. I had been alone for about 5 years when my friends introduced me to this man. He had also been alone for a long time. I later came to find out that apart from everything else there was a woman he adored who got away. I heard her name so many times to where I suggested he get on a plane and remove her from her husband and 2 children if he was so keen on her. Obviously he did not do that, but It may be that I just wasn’t her and that was part of the problem.

    I can see that happening. As I said I was alone a long time before I met him through mutual friends. Initially he was very grumpy so I politely shook his hand and walked away. Eventually, since we traveled in this same circles, I kept running into him. Soon we became great friends and had the kind of rapport I had been missing for so long. He is a performing artist as am I but much more than that we had such a strong connection and just got along so well. He is extremely bright and funny, which is important to me as well and although I never would have dreamed I would date him after our first encounter – well that’s what happened. He was such a unique person and I really think I left a part of me behind with him. I do think he loved me, but I was not her.

    I try keep an open mind about the future and know that the next one is not him. I really try to keep my mind open because I really need someone to love and if he is not here than I just must find someone else, even though I miss him so.

    • Petra says:

      Thank you for reading my blogs, and I sincerely hope they are helping. Well it’s interesting you say this man had someone he loved and couldn’t let go of (in his heart), and now you are experiencing the same – aching for someone whose heart you never had. Wish you to find your guy who will love the whole of you, and won’t compare you to others, because you deserve to be the one and only. Take care!

      • Ms Jones says:

        I hope so too. I always try to move on when I meet a new man. A good friend of mine (a man) told me not to mention old boyfriends to new men. Even though I may still think of him, if he is not here I try to be in the present to embrace what is actually happening. I always assume the other is doing the same, but I will be more cautious the next time and hopefully will see the signs more clearly. It is really very corrosive to a person’s self esteem to be compared to another woman or man. To touch briefly on past relationships for information’s sake is one thing. Carrying the torch is another. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

        • Ms Jones says:

          Hi Petra – Also something very trying has been happening lately. My ex has a high profile career in the entertainment business and those who know him (only a few as we kept the affair quite private as people love to gossip) come up to me from time to time with unsolicited “updates” as to his adventures, jobs, whereabouts, social activities and so on. Why on Earth they think this is helpful to me I have no idea. Clearly I am not involved in all these great and fun things, so how is this supposed to make me feel good? Plus I have a television set and a computer and can find this stuff out for myself any time I like. The guy has some wonderful qualities. But he sorely lacks the most important one, which he does not share with me. So no matter how “great” he is, it really does me no good. Every time a well meaning friend tells me they saw him here or there with this one or the other one the pain comes back just like it happened yesterday. I wish people would keep these comments to themselves unless asked. I did ask one friend to let me know if she should hear if he should die as he had lead a rather unhealthy lifestyle in the past. Other than that, whatever he does has no bearing on my life. I knew him very well and there is no sense in going over the same material. It just brings me down at this point when I am really trying to put it behind me. I wish him well, but I wish ME well too And that means turning the page and closing that book. I can’t speak for others because we are all different, but I know my friends can really help if they see it that way. I have had some very uncomfortable conversations with people on this topic, so I try to be tactful when it comes to discussing past relationships with others and let them take the lead, or at least ask a more searching question rather than “I saw your ex on such & such show last night. He looked great.” Thanks! How would they feel if I said I saw you ex while I was on vacation in Europe with a beautiful girl kissing her on the beach? Do they really need to know that, unless they asked?

          Ms Jones

          • Petra says:

            Hi, I know this can be very annoying, and I think you should let people know – politely (or any other way you feel like) that they should stop. I am sure most people who care for you will understand and honour your wish.

          • Ms Jones says:

            Thanks for your reply. It has been very difficult for me to leave this behind and I have been doing pretty well lately. Recently a friend who point blank has told me he never wants to hear me mention the guy’s name again (for my own good) left me a late night message letting me know about a very interesting article my ex had written on the Internet and that I should read it.First off I have read that and am familiar with much of his professional and avocational interests as I have known him for many years. Why this person thought I should take up reading old articles written by my ex I have no idea. I became very depressed after that and fell like I have lost a lot of ground I fought so hard to gain. I did call this friend and asked him why he did this and asked him not to ever do it again. I don’t know what he was thinking. He has an old girlfriend who he loved very much and hurt his feelings. He has asked me never to mention her name and I do not unless he brings it up and then I just listen. I don’t know what prompted him to do this, but I do tell people in whatever way I can that I am not thrilled about these ” updates”. It’s funny some of them I do not hear from for months, and then they call me to talk about this. I try to bring them up to speed about what is going in my life in the present day and ask them if they know anybody who might make a good match for me. That usually gets the point across.

            I am sure some people make the innocent mistake of asking when they do not know, which is understandable. Sometimes people do want to talk and sometimes they do not. It is their prerogative. Each person knows what is best for themselves.

            This forum has been very helpful to me Petra. It is amazing how little people seem to understand relationships. So many of my friends are married and they can’t figure out why I have such a problem. Others don’t want to talk about it because they are alone too and are really too sad to touch on the subject. I appreciate your time and your understanding of these personal matters very much. It has been a big help to me.

            Ms Jones

          • Petra says:

            Dear Ms Jones. thank you so much for your uplifting comment. I am really glad me and this community are making you feel better. I know so many people are struggling with relationships, love, intimacy and dating – and I am truly hopeful that my contribution in the form of these articles and my coaching will help at least some of them. It’s great to hear positive feedback. Thank you.

  9. Olivia says:

    Nice article. I try to make myself believe these things, but my problem is I always meet people while backpacking, it seems to be the one place I can socialize a lot better (I don’t tend to go out im my life back home…..seems funny walking into a bar myself, female…..but a bar at a backpackers feels ok).
    So I don’t know if anything will ever happen…..
    Why can’t I meet these people back home?????

    • Petra says:

      Hi Olivia, thanks for your comment. I don’t know why it’s easier for you to meet people when backpacking. I could take a wild guess and say maybe you’re afraid of closeness and when you meet people travelling it’s much more casual – and you know you won’t ever see them again so there is no real risk of getting too close. We can usually be more relaxed with people who don’t matter much (there is no emotional investment). If you’d like to discuss this further please give me a bit more background – either on email or we can set up a coaching consultation via Skype.

  10. Erika says:

    I didn’t know where to ask but I hope you can say something about it.
    I am pretty young and I have never been in relationship yet. Friend of mine used to be with his friends what are now boys. She have sometimes some boys with her and I have never really been close any boy. I just simply dont know how to react boys or being around them. I am pretty shy around people too. I have never talk to them or any boy ever even say hi to me. Sometimes I heard some mean comments about what I looks or what I do by them and I am always completely ignored. I have always knew that I am not beautiful but is it really because of that? Do I really deserve to being ignored and be alone rest of my life because all of it?

    • Petra says:

      Hi Erika, I think you should just go ahead and spend time with boys as friends or acquaintances, and put yourself in situations where you can learn how to communicate with them. Boys are not that scary, but I do understand that from your perspective as a very young girl they might seem like it. Being in social interactions with people your age will gradually make you less shy – just engage in conversations, you have nothing to lose. Experience makes us more bold and gives us the confidence that we can do something. It will not be this way for the whole of your life, trust me – you will grow up and mature as a person, and create relationships with men, both friendships and romantic ones. If you’d like some help with removing some of your fears, you can get in touch and we’ll have a consultation to discuss this in more detail and see where your blocks might be. Just get in touch over email or via my CONTACT ME page.

  11. Christina D says:

    It was nice to read this article… I often too have the fears of ending up alone even though I am okay being single. Honestly I will have my doctrine degree completed in four years and will have the position of helping people with their mindset in the forensic populations, which is what I want for my career. I moved to a new state last year and due to the job situation, I haven’t settled down completely in a specific area. Moving to a new state was difficult itself esp without family or friends there but I know eventually it will all work out. I know how I’m suppose to feel and I know what I’m suppose to tell myself to not feel lonely. I’m very independent and self efficient, which I also get reminded by people I know that I am. But that doesn’t get rid of the lonely feelings I feel when I see my friends get married or start a new family. I feel bad that a part of me gets sad when others are happy but it is something I really am working on. But my main fear is that in 5-6 years I will walk into an empty home where I’ve built from nothing, with a successful career and all I will have there is my loving cat and hopefully a dog and no love of my life to share my memories with.. Or to take memories with. I am often told those empty phases: you will find someone when least expected… Give it time…
    Don’t look for it, it will come to you… But I figured settling down first my life then I can be more approachable and open for a relationship. I just have very high standards but hey I rather keep my standards high and stay single than lower them and be miserable…

    • Petra says:

      Hi Christina – the more you are happy in your life in general, the easier it will be to find a partner. Don’t get discouraged because other people are already settling down – that is never a guarantee they will be happier in their lives than you. Many people who settle down early or without choosing much end up in unhappy marriages, or divorce. If you are a person with high standards, and you know you have a lot to give back, it’s normal to be looking for someone a bit longer than most, but it will pay off. Once you find him, he will truly be a great match to you and your love will thrive.

  12. jayne says:

    My relationship with the man I loved has ended for the second time both his doing. He just woke up on day and that was that. I’m scared because my future has been ripped away from me and if I date again will it make me feel empty because I still love my ex

    • Petra says:

      Dear Jayne, it’s a tough situation to be in, but this man clearly doesn’t love you (enough). Moving on and breaking those emotional ties will be hard, but once you’re on the other side you will feel liberated and it will be much easier for you to find a man who will truly want and love you. Let me know if you think I can help, we can schedule a consultation. Take care.

  13. julie says:

    I love to love. I’m so ready that I put all my cookies on the table right away. I then end up with crumbs and to clean up. I’m hopeless.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Julie, your comment made me laugh 🙂 You are certainly not hopeless – but there is probably something in you that makes you rush into giving it all too soon. It’s usually linked to low self esteem and feeling that we’re not worthy of love, so we give too much hoping it will be valued and appreciated, and end up with a completely opposite result and (usually) a broken heart. If you’d like to talk to me about it please do get in touch over email or via CONTACT ME page. Take care!

  14. Richard says:

    I’m 19 and I feel like I’ll never ever find anyone, which copes pretty bad with my biggest fear, which is to live my life alone without anyone to love. This fills me up with negative thoughts and makes me very depressed often.

    Had a pretty big crush on a girl in high school which just left me darn brokenhearted, since that experience I decided not to look for girls in my school anymore as it’s just too painful when it fails, to see her every day and not be able to avoid her easily. (Only a few at my school anyhow, the education program is very male-dominated). Thing is that I’ve only met the girls I’ve fallen for and the female friends I have at school, so I have no experience whatsoever of meeting girls in other places.

    I guess I best could describe me as a very kind and helpful guy who’s a bit shy, also a bit old-fashioned in my personal ways. (e.g, waiting with sex ’til I’ve met someone I love. Not that I would have any trouble if she’s not, it’s just a personal choice for me). Not sure how much big deal that is, I hope it wouldn’t scare away her?

    Also got low self-esteem issues. I know that this combined with my personality makes me a perfect target for the friend zone, so I know that I have to try and build up my self-esteem. It’s just that it’s very easy to say so and a completely other thing to actually do. I can’t fake it as many have told me to do (I know that a good self-esteem helps extremely much with interacting with girls, probably more than “good looks” etc). I don’t really know what to do. I’m planning to start going to the gym regularly as I know that might help.

    Just moved out of the big city to start studying in a pretty smaller town out on the countryside (>10 000 people) but there’s a couple of pretty bigger towns away which I can take the bus to.

    I’m also a big nature-lover. I love spending time outdoors and many of my interests are related to that. (Fishing, hunting, hiking etc. One big reason that I left the city-life). I know that the main thing I have to do is to kill off my comfort zone and instead of sitting in front of the TV or computer get out of my flat and meet people. I’m planning to look up local outdoors organizations and get active there. Even if I don’t meet any love interest I might meet up new good friends. Also been looking up courses in the surrounding towns and found a couple which interests me.

    I guess the main thing for me to do is to get some courage, kill off the friend-zone and get out there. And also ignore my shyness and talk to girls I find interesting, don’t be afraid to ask them out etc.

    I’m not really sure why I’m writing all this haha, I guess I just needed to vent someplace. However I would be really grateful for any tips you have for this shy miserable 19 year old! Anything you think of, perhaps tips about where to find people in a small town, or how to best deal with my self-esteem issues and prevent them from affecting interactions with girls and so on. Dunno if you read all my whining but if so, thanks! 🙂

    • Petra says:

      Dear Richard, I do read all the comments. I think you’ve given yourself some pretty good answers there already 🙂 I think it’s a great idea to go out and meet people, and just don’t be embarrassed for who you are and what you’re like – some girls might ignore you or put you in friend zone, but the girls that are right for you won’t. The confidence you are looking for will come when you feel good about who you are – not when you emulate someone else’s ways. I am sure you have a lot to offer to a potential partner, and all you need to be confident is convince yourself you can. Not all girls are looking for the same type, and there are plenty who value guys with something more to show then a gym body. I think it’s good for you to create opportunities to meet people, get into interaction, start conversations, that will help you with your shyness – you’ll get better at it with practice, and more relaxed about it. Also, regarding meeting people in a small town – there is always online dating, but since it is a new place for you why not explore it first. There might be a great girl living just next door, you never know. Good luck and thanks for commenting!

  15. Jobediah says:

    Thank you so much. This has opened my eyes to a completely different perspective. It’s funny everyone I talked to-the closest people in my life- didn’t help at all. But a stranger(you) from the Internet fixed all of it. Thank you, again.

    • Petra says:

      Thank you for reading – and glad I could help. It is often easier to get help from people who don’t know us well because they don’t have a personal interest in the outcome. And of course most friends and family will advise you based on what they think is good for them… which doesn’t have to be the right approach for you. Take care.

  16. jeff says:

    Thank you for this article…Im so glad to find you…I met someone and this person no longer want to wait for me…I was angry and blame this person for hurting me…but i also know that i sabotaged this relationship and the potential to be with a truly special girl because i felt that i would not make her happy..that i do not deserve her…i was afraid that i would waste her time and that she deserve better than me…now she moved on and it is painful…I already failed in 2 previous relationships…I look forward to referring to your site to help me cope with the loss of this very special woman and try to identify with myself

    • Petra says:

      Hi Jeff, you seem to have quite a low opinion of yourself, and that might be why your relationships fail, or you attract unsuitable partners. Why do you feel you were not good enough for this girl? Btw, thank you for reading and referring me!

  17. jeff says:

    I do not like the way i look…but now Iam exercising hopefully that will give me confidence…Iam kind of skinny guy…and i worry about my love making skills as well…But Iam better now because of your articles…thank you…but now I wonder about myself more…I think I had no business looking for love because I was not even ready for…I think one must analyze what some of the flaws were in past relationships that maybe you can improve on…for example If you think you do not look good…do some exercise..so you will look good for that special someone…are you carrying baggage from past relationships that is going to carry into new one…like trust issues…fix yourself up first before you meet that other person…it is not fair to the other person if you are not ready to even try to make it work…just sayin…Im not being overly critical of myself…but i was never ready for a relationship…i was looking for a fantasy girl and not a real relationship

    • Petra says:

      Great that you realised what you did wrong in the past, that is the first step to changing your love situation for the better. And a necessary one too 🙂 Regarding your frame – I think a lot of girls like skinny, so you shouldn’t be that worried about it. Of course it’s good to exercise but I am sure you have many other qualities and the right girl will be much more interested in those than your looks. If you put more emphasis on the qualities that you already have, than the things you still need to improve – you will have much more success in attracting a girl who will truly love you for who you are.

  18. J.R. says:

    Well, in the past i wasn’t ready for commitment and I was pushing men away or attracting difficult one. I was loveless no matter how much I strive for connections with people. In the past year I fell in love twice in 2 little rough around edges men. I am sucker for connection so I fell for it pretty hard very quick no matter how much i tried to do other way. They were both intense and ready to seduce me as fast as they could. First guy is getting married (though I don’t care that much, he was a baggage kind of person). The second guy and I are coming from very different backgrounds which resulted in me fighting back in order not to be pulled into his world too quickly (the way he wanted). I still love him after him leaving me and calling some times to hang out. Now I am doing my new things, I am keeping myself busy as much as I can, getting ready for my 30th bday and so on. I love to love and I know I will have family one day but I guess all these couples around me/ weddings, my age and all are making me feel down sometimes. Now I know to bring myself back up and look for different things in life since the things that I found irresistible earlier are not working for me. Trying to balance alpha and beta in me I found to be very difficult. Sometimes I feel I will never find somebody due to my strong personality, and on the other I am sure I will since I gravitate towards love and connection all my happy/painful life. I am not really sure what to ask or what. I just felt need to express myself in the community which I am sure resonates with my biggest fear (that I need to let go) so profoundly. Thank you for having this little forum to share. 🙂

    • Petra says:

      I am sure you can find someone who will love you just the way you are. Do not get discouraged by a few rejections. It’s normal and natural, and everyone experiences them. If you haven’t had much experience with love before, you need to gather some to really see what you want, and who will suit you well. Also, when you are being you and have no doubt in what you can give to someone in a relationship, that’s when it will happen easily. If you try to please and change to attract more attention it won’t be from the right people. Thank you for commenting. Take care!

  19. jenna says:

    I’ve been single for three years and i really want to be in love again. Maybe because of some inferiority complex or maybe just ego. Some of the guys complained that i’m too cold and i have this way making guys think that i like them but when they try to get close to me, i just push them away. I hate myself for this. Everytime i will have this internal dialogue ” he is just playing. He is not really interested in me. He just used me to spend him leisure time. He will disappear in a short while. He’s trying his shot with other girl too. Don’t think about him. All that i am thinking of how he is so into me is just plain imagination so i must wake up before i’m crushed”. In the end, i’ll tell them not to waste time with me. I can introduce my friend to them if they want. What is wrong with me? Will i really be in love again? I feel bad sometime that most of the guy that i pushed away has gotten married or engaged and i’m still here. Alone.

    • Petra says:

      Hi I responded to your other comment too – please read there and let me know if you’d like some more help. It’s really hard to get to the bottom of things just from your comments, and I think a consultation would work a lot better to give you the answers you’re looking for.

  20. Candy says:

    I have stopped believing in love and i probably must have committed biggest sin in my last and current birth. Maybe GOD is just teaching me a lesson . Sometimes i feel that GOD probably hates me too. Everything my life is so wrong. Every guy i meet chat , i think it will last maybe 3-6 months and thats all. I am even open to divorcees but guess what every guys are the same. The last i asked him if he is coming to my country, initially said yes and then now he said he just got a new job ( which i am aware of like two weeks ago) and not sure about the trip. So when i asked him if we are gonna ever meet or forever chat only, there was no reply. I feel like i wasted my time although i enjoyed chatting and skyping with him . I don’t believe in online datings or love. The word love doesn’t exist in my life i guess.Two years ago, i broke up with a guy who refused to marry me. I wish god has some mercy on me !

    • Petra says:

      Sorry you feel this way, but please don’t be so hard on yourself – lots of people experience similar problems. Long distance relationships are always harder to maintain, and burdened with difficult decisions. If you’re not 100% sure you love the person, it’s hard to make those decisions and stay together. I don’t think there is something wrong with you, but you probably need to do things differently to make your dating efforts more successful. If you’d like to talk about it in more detail and find out what could help, let’s have a consultation. Let me know on email or via CONTACT or COACHING page.

  21. Karrie says:

    I’m 19 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I know that there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not unattractive and there have been a couple suitors before. But all the men that I’ve been interested in never really seem to like me back long term. The initial attraction is always there but after a while, they get turned off? I don’t really know what I do. If it’s a kink in what I do? I used to be bullied a lot as a child so maybe it’s an insecurity issue or the fact that I try too hard. I don’t want to be alone forever and I would really like to love and be loved. I know I have imperfections but I want to find someone who actually likes them. A part of me feels like I’ll never find that person. I would appreciate some advice because I feel lost and lonely. Is there something wrong with me?

    • Petra says:

      I am sure there is nothing wrong with you as a person per se, but fears and insecurities do play a big part in our success in love. If you are not attracting the right kind of partners and they reject you way too soon, it might be you are not loving yourself as you are, and at some level rejecting yourself. Not feeling valuable enough as a person and a partner. You are very young to be worried you’ll never find someone, but it’s great you are asking these questions already, the sooner you realise what you need to do, the easier it will get as you get older. If you’d like to explore this in more detail, get in touch for a consultation.

  22. Lizzie says:

    Hi Petra, I’m 20 years old and 6feet (182cm) high of the ground. My height is a serious issue for me as I used to be able to find guys (when i was shorted i.e. 5’10) but since I’ve grown so tall most are intimidated and scared of me (average male height is 175cm), they’re less likely to comfort me or come up to me by themselves, this as you can imagine makes me feel like less of a woman (a loving, yummy mummy), a man at 6foot is desirable a women however is much much less so…My mother is 5’8 and all the other women in my family are shorter (by far) so I have no female role model who is tall and happy in herself, or tall and happily married.
    To add to a bad situation, tall men (if I do spot one taller than me who’s kind of in the same age bracket) will most likely be attracted to shorter girls.

    • Petra says:

      Dear Lizzie, I know this can be an obstacle and a very real one. But physical traits are never the biggest issue when we have trouble finding a partner. The problems you have with finding a boyfriend are most likely a reflection of some other, deeper insecurity and lack of confidence. IF you were sure you are a great person and partner, you wouldn’t care so much about height and neither would boys you meet. You’d be finding partners easily – either those who are taller than you, or not so bothered by you being taller than them. I know it may sound harsh that it’s all about you – but do give it some thought. Are there other things that make you feel unattractive? Do you doubt if you are interesting / fun / engaging enough to make someone fall in love with you? Do you feel love isn’t happening because something else is wrong with you other than your height? If you feel a conversation would help, do contact me for a consultation.

  23. Charlotte says:

    Hi Petra,

    I’m 22 and never been in a relationship – not one that I felt I was “allowed” to label as one, anyway. Aka never been able to change my facebook status, never been able to show my boyfriend off at dinner like all of my cousins, never gotten anything for Valentine’s day. I have had many boys want to be with me – some just for a fling, some for something serious. In early high school, I was in love with one of my best friends, and he not only led me on, but also proceeded to break my heart in a very public way in front of several of my friends, who then turned on me and wanted to be friends with him instead, because I was the ‘pathetic’ one and it’s not his fault he was just ‘too cool’ for me. Since then, I’ve had strong feelings for a few guys, but ALWAYS ones that I either couldn’t date (i.e. I don’t want to date outside of my religion), or just couldn’t have (i.e. they were out for a fling and I jumped in anyway trying to ‘fix’ them)

    I’m not trying to use this first experience as an excuse, but could it be what is keeping me from finding love? I literally want love more than anything, but I feel there are so many things keeping me back. I am pretty picky to begin with: I feel I can’t or shouldn’t date anyone who isn’t Christian, anyone who won’t respect that I am waiting for marriage to have sex, anyone who isn’t college educated, anyone anyone with completely opposite political beliefs, or yes, anyone I’m not attracted to. To add to this, I’m very insecure and shy.

    I was recently let down when I asked the guy I’d been going out with for months (and was head-over-heels for) if he wanted to date of if I was just a fling. This left me sad but still determined to find someone (“by Christmas,” I told myself… ha ha). I went online, hoping that by being able to screen guys by my criteria beforehand, this would help me meet potential partners. It did…but I did not feel I connected with any of them (about 10 in all). Some were not what I expected (one guy must’ve weighed about 40 lbs. less than I did) but with some there was nothing at all wrong, I just couldn’t feel anything or feel I was really connecting with any of them, even by the 4th or 5th dates. Except one guy…who I felt something for after the 2nd date and then he proceeded to tell me he didn’t think he wanted to keep seeing me. I was crushed and now I feel I will never find anyone.

    I’m sorry to have made this so lengthy, but I wanted to put my story out there – and see if anyone has any insight as to what, exactly, is the real reason I can’t find love..and how I can fix that.

    P.S.Thanks for having a fantastic website. I actually cried at one of your posts.

    • Ms Jones says:

      And by the way, do not let your “Facebook” status be the meter of your “personal” life which is just that – personal – nobody’s business but yours and his if it is the real thing. If it is, you will BOTH feel it and know it. It does not need to be verified by “Facebook”.
      Personally, I would NEVER. post my relationship status in Facebook – EVER – unless I were headed for the altar. Why share all your private affairs with all your acquaintances in Facebook? It is a vey personal matter and none of their business. If you get involved in a relationship just because you want to post it on Facebook, you will be going off in the wrong direction indeed.
      I would NEVER post such personal information on Facebook. Perhaps that is hanging you up. If you really want mature love and a meaningful relationship, the goal should be personal fulfillment, not something you can post in your “Facebook” page. Think about it.

    • rob says:

      I can’t really give you any insight, but just know that as a man, I’m much in the same bucket as you.

      I want love more than anything too. I’m a little more open to dating outside my own faith and political beliefs (as long as there can be a mutual respect), and I’m not strictly wait-for-marriage (but am okay with that as well), but I still face much of the same problem. I haven’t been publicly humiliated in the way you were, but I have encountered far fewer first dates than you. 99% of women would reject me right off the bat. The remaining 1% get fed up with me within a month. I’ve actually only been in 2 relationships (if you can call them that), and both ended much in the same way: girl dumps me for a new guy and doesn’t tell me, I end up finding out on facebook. In both cases, I can’t even be sure the girl even liked me or was just stringing me along.

      I don’t really know what I’m trying to get at here. Just know that you’re not alone in this…

    • Petra says:

      Thank you Charlotte for your kind words and praise. I don’t exactly want to make people cry 🙂 – but I understand what you meant. It’s so rewarding to hear my words can touch people’s hearts. Regarding your question: I feel the issue is in your lack of confidence and insecurities, not so much in your criteria. However, it is hard in this world of easy sex an flings to be one who wants to wait until marriage, and in that sense you will probably have a very limited pool of people to choose from. But nevertheless, they exist, so don’t be discouraged. The other criteria you mentioned I don’t see that much issue with. The real issue is somewhere else. I would love to give you a more precise answer, but for that I’d have to know more about you. If you’d like that, please contact me for a consultation (via Coaching or Contact pages). It’s free.

  24. Ms Jones says:

    I am not Petra and I am sure she has more to say on this topic than me. I would only like to say that the Internet is not the the be all and the end all to your dating life.
    If you have not met your perfect man on the Internet, that is not the end of the road. If you are not comfortable being physical with a particular man, by all means do not do anything that you do not feel comfortable with.
    Personally, I have not saved myself til marriage and would not marry a man I have not known in the carnal sense, but that is not for everyone.
    If you are a good person and are not comfortable being physical with a certain man, NEVER. rush.
    Any decent man would not push a woman to do what she is not comfortable with.
    That said, do not discount the forward advances of a man who you like. And do not feel you have to share yourself with a man who shares your values but you do not feel any attraction to. That is not okay for you.
    It sounds to me that you have strong Christian beliefs. I have not saved myself for marriage and I do not believe it is a sin. However no one would expect you to forgo your values or your instincts
    and pick a man just because you have not found the right match. Keep going at your own pace. Not all of us are so “fast”.
    When the guy and the type are right, you will know. I assure you that there is never any benefit to “put out” just because the guy is pressuring you.
    Give him hug and a kiss. Check to see if it is something that YOU may want also.
    Merry Christmas and good luck. I An looking too!!

    Ms Jones

  25. Kelli says:

    I am pretty young. I have had one serious relationship, and it has not been pretty. It has been over two years of breaking up and making up and thinking we’re right for each other and wrong for each other. A lot of it has been one of us wanting to try and waiting and holding on until the other feels the same again. We have been through a lot of things together and we have a deep connection that neither of us can really let go it seems like. We’ve both tried moving on and I even had a relationship with someone else (very short and ended because I felt I was not putting my whole self into it because I still had feelings for my ex and it was not fair to him.) We always seem to find our way back to each other whether it’s because of familiarity and comfort or actual love just happening in the wrong times and not working. I know I love him and I know he loves me, but this pattern has taken a huge toll on me and has taken away any hope I have of having a connection with someone else that won’t just simply be overshadowed by the connection I have/had with my ex. I know there is love out there I’m just really afraid that this guy is the one I’m meant to be with so I can’t give up even though sometimes it feels like I would be so much happier with someone new, but then again I see no one new in sight. Having that hope and faith to trust others regardless of it being romantic or platonic is something I really struggle with.

    • Petra says:

      If you fight and break up all the time, that means you are not compatible (any more) and there is way too many things you can’t agree on, which makes it hard for people to be together. You are also probably both a bit too young to have a proper grown up relationship. He is not the one, because there is no such thing as the one. You will meet a number of people in your life with whom you’ll have a potential for great love and relationship. Your lack of relationship experience makes it hard for you to see it, because you have nothing to compare this one with. You can’t fall for someone new now because he is still in your heart, but that doesn’t mean he is good for you. You have to move on first to be able to find someone else who will matter to you. You probably have difficulty doing that because you are afraid you’ll never find someone who you’ll have such a strong connection with, but once you do move on, you will see that it can and will happen again.

  26. Matthew says:

    I’m not too vocal when it comes to expressing any of my problems but I guess I’ll share my struggles here.

    I’m 20 in my third year of University, with two close friends. From time to time when I’m left alone or the holidays roll around, I start to feel depressed. For a time I never really figured out why, or I did, but I didn’t want to say it out loud. But I guess the reason was because I was feeling lonely. Before with my set of friends we kind of had that quality in common (although we never truly vented that out between ourselves). However as time came they found people and we never really got to hang out as often, and my social life almost collapsed. I felt extremely overwhelmed due to school and the fact that I couldn’t vent out my frustrations made me even more alone. I began to isolate myself more by getting obsessed with daydream fantasies that I would conjure up as a coping mechanism.

    For the most part I have been able to interact with more people and I’m able to focus more. But I feel behind when it comes to social interactions, like how to keep conversations going and to keep things from getting awkward. I’ve always been quite antisocial, if you were to talk to me I would end up stuttering and slurring my sentences. It’s part of the reason why I have such low confidence in ever finding someone.

    The other reason is attributed to me being a little overweight, as it’s been weighing me down literally and mentally. I’ve been overweight for pretty much my entire life, my mother was never really concerned with my health at a young age so I thought it was okay to just eat junk and play video games. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized this is false (duh), and I’ve become self conscious about it all the time when I’m out in public. I have this mentality of, “Girls will never like me because I’m fat.”, and because I have it I continue to beat myself down. When I try and exercise, my mind instead of encouraging me goes to a negative attitude such as, “Why are you even trying? You’ll never get better!” And I know that some girls don’t care about weight but it’s still makes me feel inadequate. If I do somehow change (and I plan to try again), it wont be because I think girls are shallow and they only care about physical characteristics, but because I want to stop this cycle of negativity and overall be more healthy.

    And that’s part of what you said where it’s all about taking control, not just taking control of the situation but taking control of the person you want to become. But that’s common knowledge, but it’s one thing to say that you have control when you struggle with all the conflicting intense feelings that prevent you from taking action. That’s certainly my dilemma is even taking that first step and i really want to take that step. But I have no experience with dating or keeping conversations interesting without them falling into silence. And I guess it’s something I have to work at, I just need to get over these damn feelings.

    Sorry for the long post, I needed to get that out some way or another, whether anyone reads it or not.

    • Petra says:

      Hi there. I agree with you completely – it’s very hard to fight your inner demons, and taking control of your life is not just a one-time decision. It’s a process that can take years. But it is so worth it. Please do start somewhere, whether it’s your weight or your social skills – whatever feels the easiest to change, as a first step. Don’t set your goals too high for now, all that we ever achieve any way is made out of little steps. Nobody can take one big step and get to the top of the mountain. So why not set a smaller goal, one that doesn’t look so threatening and impossible? Once you do it, and you see you can change things – you’ll have much more motivation and belief in your abilities. If you’d like to talk about it more, we can explore your situation in more detail during a consultation. Let me know – just send me an inquiry via my Contact or Coaching pages.

  27. Sharon says:

    Hi my name is Sharon, and I’m 24 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I have never even dated before.
    I lived a very sheltered life (was home schooled, had very little friends, never went to college).
    And in the last 2 years I’ve been feeling this sadness and loneliness I’ve never experienced before. I want to date, have a boyfriend, and get eventually married down the road so bad. I just don’t know how. I feel like all the guys I do find attractive and kind, are usually men who won’t be attracted to me. I guess they would be called “out of my league”.
    I am overweight, and not the prettiest thing, though I sometimes have those days when I feel like I am. So I’m afraid that I will settle in love. I want my soul mate, I’m getting older, and I should have find him by now. I feel so hopeless and lost in every way possible. I feel like a loser because NOW I am trying to get my life straight (by going to college), and growing up. But it’s now the dating scene that leaves me sad. I don’t think the kind of guy I want, would want the kind of girl I am. I think I will be alone with a few cats!

    • Ms Jones says:

      Hi Sharon – Don’t know where you live, but 24 is a very young age to give up on love!!! Don’t give up!!
      If you are posting on the Internet, I am sure you know there are many ways to educate yourself further and improve your overall physical appearance. Lots of young ladies are overweight. Some good information about diet and exercise is available to all of us these days to improve our health and feeling of well being. Look into it!
      Just remember, you are an individual with unique characteristics. I was a very cute, slim, athletic and smart young lady. I grew up near a big city and had a wide exposure to other places and people. Yet I did not have my first real “boyfriend” til age 22!
      My Grandmother always said I was a late bloomer. There is a big world out there for you to see. If you are 24 even if you do not have a college education, it certainly sounds as if you are smart enough to get a job.
      I do not know where you live, but I am sure you can get a job. Since you are an adult, you can go and do as you please. Why not save up some money and go on a reputable travel tour? See someplace other than your hometown. You will see there are other ways to live.
      There are many groups that also plan day trips and group trips for wholesome singles. The YMCA in my area offers field trips. Don’t be afraid. Maybe you have one or two friends who would like to go on an excursion with you. Save your money and plan a trip. Your life will expand and you will see that it is much too young for you to retire to “cat life”.
      You are adult and free. Be an independent thinker and explore the world. Just because you were home schooled does not mean you can not see the rest of the world. There are loads of people of all kinds of backgrounds who wish to see the world who have not yet been to college.
      Take your good manners and common sense wherever you go. Not all people will be your “cup of tea”, nor you theirs.
      It is your right as a human being to explore the world, no matter where you come from.
      Everything is waiting for you Sharon.
      Step out and be yourself.

      Ms Jones

    • Ms Jones says:

      I re- read your post Sharon. I see you are going to college. That is great. You will surely have a chance to join a gym, a club and meet new friends in class. As I said, just be yourself. You ARE a unique individual. I have travelled all over the world and I can tell you there is every type of person you can imagine out there. Including only one just like you! I have always found that good manners are essential to meeting good people. Let your own common sense be your guide as you mix and mingle. Think for yourself. You will find the one that is right for you. And hit the gym. You will feel better. I still do it after many years. i have not found a husband yet, but I have not settled in a cat. Cats are okay, but not as a sole companion.

      Good luck Sharon!

      Ms Jones

    • Petra says:

      Hey Sharon. I think your issue is confidence. It might be a good way to start with losing weight – I don’t know how overweight you are, but I am sure if you take control of your body, that will give you a big confidence boost. You can change how you feel about yourself in other ways too, let me know if you’d like to talk about this all, we can have a consultation. You’re a very young woman and don’t worry, you won’t end up with cats 🙂 – just the fact you are thinking of this now and looking for advice and solutions is a big step that brings you closer to the desired outcome.

  28. francine says:

    I am so lonely I cry every night when am I going to find true love I think nobody wants me I am so unhappy

    • Petra says:

      I am sorry you feel this way. Please contact me for a consultation, let’s talk and see how we can get you out of that dark place. Just send me an inquiry or email via Contact or Coaching page.

  29. Alex says:

    Your advice is just as empty as all those empty advices you mentioned or at most only useful for people who are 18. It’s definitely not working for people who are 30+. In my case, everyone rejects me and they have always rejected me.

    Specialists thought I was causing my own problems until they tested my social skills and stuff => A+, nothing wrong with my skills. People don’t like me, because they think I am too different. People are immediately going to despise you and try to make your life a living hell when they find out that you are a bit quiet, a bit withdrawn or when you are smarter than them. Stuff like that.

    Of course, there are no rules or laws which state that I will never have a social network or a relationship, but that is not what is important. What is important that there definitely is an unwritten rule which states “Alex is not going to have a social network and a relationship. He is not going to get a life like other people have. Ever”

    You don’t have to give me any advice. Believe me, I have tried loads of stuff and nothing worked. University, jobs, sport clubs, student associations, datingsites, etc, etc, etc. Nothing. Now, of course, I wouldn’t talk like this if I was 18, but I am 30. Now they have put me in a mental hospital and they may put me on medication soon.

  30. Dear Petra,

    I had waited a long time… But the problem is, I can’t find it. Sometimes I feel that I’m so unfortunate. Even my friends say that I’m always out-going and think optimistic. I have both girl n guy friends. But the problem is I can’t find ‘him’ – please don’t think I have high expectations or something. All I need is true love – who understands me,who always care about me
    Now I’m almost 25 �? I really feels lonely sometimes. I guess I will be in team ‘Lonely forever’ forever

    • Petra says:

      You are so way too young to be thinking that way… please do get in touch if you’d like help. It’s not always about your demands and criteria, it’s much more complex than that.

  31. Daikal says:


    I have been trying for god knows how long trying to find the right girl for me it just hasn’t happened. I keep getting pushed away for being too needy/emotional. I just care too much. Is that so wrong?

    • Petra says:

      I’d love to tell you if that’s the case, but I would need more information to make an assessment. Would you care to have a consultation? That way I can ask you questions and dig a bit deeper. If you’d like that contact me on email.

  32. weston says:

    Hello im weston, im a sophmore from Kentucky. Im having trouble finding a girl that might like me. Its really hard to do. It seems like im the lame 16 year old that cant find sombody. It hurts to know that the people you go to school with are hurtful and jerks. I dated a senior for two weeks she was nice but she felt very non selfconfident about her and me. It dident work out. She made it look like it was all my fault. I just wish that i could find sombody that would like me for who i am a not try to fake it if you know what i mean. I am a very outgoing person but nonsociable in school. If anybody has some advice please let me know. Thanks guys. Thanks Petra for your time feel free to email me.

    • Petra says:

      Hello Weston. I think the best thing for you is to stop worrying about how lame your life is – and start looking for people and activities you enjoy so you can make it less lame. Are there really only jerks in your school? Are there some girls you’d like to get to know better as friends? You never know, you might fall in love that way too – and in a much more natural, relaxed way. Are there other things besides school you could do to put some fun in your life? Just make it a priority to make yourself happy, spend time with people who make you feel good, get to know someone you like as a person, make the most of your relationships. You’re so young and there is plenty of time to find love. And you will once you focus on he things that make you happy and fulfilled, you’ll become much more fun to be around too – so more girls will be interested in you, and the right one will come along more easily. How you feel about yourself and your life plays a big role in how people perceive you, and how much they want to be in your company.

  33. sally-anne says:

    Dear Petra

    I have just turned 26 and as far as going out i don’t drink, smoke and i don’t have enough friends that i feel i would be safe enough to go out dancing with. i will openly admit that i have a bit of a problem with motivation and procrastinate a bit more than i should. i don’t have a clue when someone in flirting with me and as i am a bit of geek as i’m studying animation. i see my siblings getting married and feel lonely and left out. i also feel a bit put out when they say that i will find someone but nothing happens. is it just me? or is it because i’m sending off the wrong vibes ?

    • Petra says:

      I’d need to have a bit more information and talk to you, to be sure where the issue is – but, definitely – being proactive will help, dating experience (even bad one) will help you understand what you like, who likes you and why, and how to go about it. It involves taking a bit of a risk and getting out of your comfort zone – but if you don’t do anything, and you don’t even signal people you are interested, probably nothing much will happen. If you’d like to talk about it in more depth, contact me (via email or Contact / Work with me pages).

  34. Santosh says:

    I’ve been lonely since childhood and not even realized it …..until when i started liking this one girl although she doesnt care …..now i realize how horrible loneliness is…..your post was great ,when you said that we are not helpless and we are in control of our love life and as you said it is hard to hear because i feel like im cursed of loneliness lol….once lonely ,lonely for ever….i know that is not true but you cant help it when you feel so…well however loneliness taught me some important aspects since i have never been in relationships or anything not even much friends…..i know how important presence of other person is……when i find someone who’d miss my presence…..who’d make me feel wanted ,i will surely treasure her…..

    • Petra says:

      You sound like a young person – and seems like the younger my readers, the more convinced they are they’ll never find love. I would say go out and make those connections, don’t just dream about them. It’s not a curse that’s your issue, it’s just fear of rejection combined with the idea that things in life just “happen”. But they don’t, we have to work for them. Don’t be afraid of failing. You will fail – as we all do. But if you don’t try, you’ll never get what you want. Best of luck!

  35. Mark says:

    Well years ago it was so much more easier for our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, finding love since the times were totally different than today. And many of our family members are still together today. Very hard for many of us good single men today since many women have their careers now, and it is very hard for them to accept us men for who we are since we Don’t make the kind of money that many of them are making today.

    • Ms Jones says:

      Hi Mark –
      Many women have careers because they have to work. They are not going to lie around the house waiting for Prince Charming to come along to rescue them. You say you are with your family. Have you completed high school? Do you plan to go to college or a trade school? Think about it. If the woman wants to get married and have a family, why would she just work at the. local Walmart looking for the best prospect? A 20 year old woman may very well want to marry and have a child, but she may want to prepare herself and her child for the economic realities and opportunities that are out there (travel, education and so on). It’s a big world. The family values are CORE. That is great. Just because the girl makes more money than you does not mean you do not set foot out of your front yard. There are community colleges and trade schools every prednisone where. You don’t have to be a millionaire to be a good boy friend. You have to be a good man. Having an educated mate is a plus. Life can throw many problems at us. Both partners benefit from education and the ability to earn a living if need be. If a woman has an ability to have a career, it doesn’t necessarily mean she does not want to marry and have children. She may be working and educating herself because she wants to expand her horizons and is preparing herself for the world we face today. I always worked because I had to. I am a woman.

    • Ms Jones says:

      And by the way Mark, I agree with you that in certain respects having the family unit closer together made it easier for people to meet new prospects, advance their education and businesses and so on. Unfortunately the world has changed and people are all off in different directions. But at the CORE, your values are the same so that is a good thing. A person, man or woman, needs to prepare themselves for living in today’s world. A woman who shares your values will be there. She may have a career and make money, but she wants a relationship with a good man. Just be the best man possible. Educate yourself and prepare yourself to be a good provider. Many women are not looking for a millionaire or just to be a single career woman. They are seeking a respectable partner who is loving and helpful. That is why they have a career. They do not want to be trapped at the hands of a worthless or unsuitable mate. Be a man of value – you don’t have to be a cash machine. A good woman knows a good man when she sees one. Make the most of what you have. That is what the woman is looking for. You work as a team.
      Good luck Mark!

  36. Jas says:

    I’m 20 and I have never been near a guy romantically at all, I’ve never hugged, held hands with or kissed anyone ever! I feel as though I’ll never meet my ‘Mr right’ my cousins and friends my age or even younger have all had boyfriends.

  37. Henno says:

    I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life single. Being single is good, but having the right one is better. I cannot go by own any more. I read and do my best to find that love. I always say it is gonna come, but I don’t think I can wait anymore.

  38. Mark says:

    Hello everyone, not sure if anyone will read it and I’m not sure why I’m writing this either but this should be an interesting read for anyone that has the time. Here we go~

    As a 19-year-old guy I’ve never been in a relationship, unlike 99% of my friends. I once tried to ask a girl out and I failed miserably. This was a big blow for me, even though it happened around 4 or 5 years ago. After that I never really bonded with girls as much as I did with her. I came across a couple of girls but all I had was a crush on them, it never materialized because of a couple of reasons;

    1) I, although I’m a decent-looking guy, lack the backbone to start up a natural conversation without fearing that it will end up being awkward. There was this one girl I really liked (a year ago) yet I saw no possible way of getting to know her. She was always alone in class but I had a couple of friends around me all the time so it was almost impossible to ditch them and chat her up. I don’t lack the confidence to talk to girls, but I’m reluctant to take the very first step towards girls (literally too).

    2) I also almost automatically assume that the girls I like are taken, so when I really do find out that they are taken, it wouldn’t be that much of a bad surprise to me. Really, every girl I seem to start liking is always taken and I mean ALWAYS. This leaves me with 0% chance of finding at least one SINGLE girl, even though a ton of other factors still linger.

    3) I don’t come across girls as much as I like to. Although I do go to the occasional open-bar with a group of friends (mostly male, the few girls that come with us are, yep, all taken), I have never encountered girls since. The girls in my university course are both taken so there’s no ‘game’ there.

    Point number 3 is the most serious issue I have. Unlike most people I see with the usual “I’m afraid to talk to girls” problem, I have almost no issue with that. It’s just that the very few girls I actually meet are already and always taken. I live on a very small island but Jesus Christ everyone is always taken. It’s as if these girls found their relationship partner waiting at the doorstep once they turned like 16.

    If anyone would have the time to shine his/her thoughts it would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!

    • Ms Jones says:

      Hi Mark –

      Too bad you live on a very small island and everyone is taken! Sounds like you might need to venture off the island!
      As for the shy girl in class, is she still free?

      When I was in high school I had no dates. I was pretty and smart but the boys in school did not approach me and I was not a “fast” girl.

      By the time I hit 19-20 I left my small town and started having many new boyfriends of all kinds.

      Not everyone is spoken for and some bloom a little later than others. What’s the worst thing that can happen if you go and talk to the girl? If she says something mean she is just not nice.

      Some relationships start very slowly, with friendships. If you are with the guys, make it a point to excuse yourself (go the the restroom or something) then head straight for the girl. And just introduce yourself. Say something friendly.

      Good luck! There are lots of nice girls who are looking for nice guys who want to be friends and not just a fling. If you are a guy who is considerate to women you will eventually attract a nice girl.

      Ms Jones

    • Petra says:

      Hey Mark. You live on a small island, you have to try harder, or get off the island. Nothing will happen if you just sit and wait, so get creative and find other ways to meet girls (online dating maybe) and get that courage to ask the girl you like out because if you don’t, someone else will. Trust me – the boys who find girlfriends are not the ones who are lucky, they are the ones that ask enough girls out until one says yes.

  39. Mark says:

    Thank you for your kind reply Ms Jones.

    Venturing off the island is somewhat impossible for me for a couple of reasons, even if it wasn’t, I’m not sure if it would solve my problems.

    Just found her on Facebook and from the looks of it she’s single, or she simply didn’t take a photo with her partner if she isn’t. There’s only one way of finding out anyway. Although apparently she’s coming to the same university I’m attending, she took a completely different course and unless I actually bump into her in a bar or at uni, I don’t think I’ll ever get to know her at all.
    Apart from that, I don’t want to limit my attention to one particular girl, especially if I might end up finding out that she’s taken, or that she’s not as nice (as a person) as I thought she was.

    Ultimately I’m almost done with this hunt for a partner. When the time comes I’ll try and be ready. But for now it’s useless worrying about it. I’m tired of this anyway, it wears a person out, searching for an answer.

    Thanks for your attention, this was a good place to vent to be honest haha

  40. Rachel Schult says:

    Hi there, I have actually been in many relationships but after the first 6 months…one of us “gets over it” for one reason or another. Either I am too needy and demanding or they are too needy and demanding. I know confidence is HUGE and it is a huge turn off to me if I know the man I am dating is anything but. I have extreme abandonment issues that I have been dealing with this year that have encouraged patterns of needy behavior. My Ex broke up with me and got back together with me 4 times (ugh – how could I let this happen?) and this has crushed me a bit as I really thought he was my person. I am trying to stay single for a while to sort this out (even though I feel my biological clock ticking faster and louder). I guess at the end of the day no one wants to feel forced into falling in love and I have now been on both sides. I am so terrified of dating again, I almost DON’T want to do it at all. When I get hit on, I run. Obviously I am not ready?! Any words of wisdom?

    • Petra says:

      The problem is definitely in how you feel – the way you see yourself and relationships, neediness etc. Can’t say anything more specific we’d have to talk first but that’s a clue for you – the more you work on your issues the better you’ll get at picking good matching partners. If you’d like to work with me on this, get in touch.

  41. Hi Petra, y ou know ve ry well that datting webbstes are just a con just after money —they could not give a toss for the Man or women giving the money—–the first they want is you to sign up then they want money i feel sure if theres mermbers on here been to datting webbsites would
    agree, that puts you off trying to find someone——thanks Petra i just thought id put my views lol.

  42. stephanie says:

    I honestly would like to believe that there’s some one out there for me…and sometimes I honestly believe that there is. its weird because everybody think that im married or Im in a relationship. Yet I’ve been single since 2005. Since then I’ve never been on a date, nor asked on a date, no birthday outings, Christmas, valentines day etc. I’ve had a couple of friends over the years and a date has never crossed their minds other than them wanting to have sex. They wanted sex but don’t want to do anything else. Im 35yrs old and sometimes I do feel lonely. I really want to know the feeling of being loved by a the opposite sex. I never know when to really trust men b/c my sisters and mother continuously watch shows or documentaries about men killing women or the women end up missing. That scares me alil bit til I shut down and feel like I shouldn’t date to be safe. that’s not fair to me.Sometimes I know what I want in a relationship other times I don’t. Sometimes I feel like im not ready to find love other times I do. for me to find love, I really think I need to find myself first to understand exactly what I want in a relationship. Relationships, Love, Companionship is a blur to me. I really don’t know.

    • Ms Jones says:

      Hi Stephanie –
      You are so young! I am 58 years old and when I was 35 there was a little more hope out there. I can understand how you feel – distrustful of men – because the times are very different and people get up to all sorts of things. I have a lot of trouble myself finding even one reasonable man to date.
      Most of them want to hop on and hop off. It it very disconcerting.
      That said, I still think it is possible to meet a nice man. I suggest you go out to a public place in a group setting with your sister(s) if you have such a fear of meeting up with foul play. Do not go to a desolate area. Never let a strange man pick you up in his car or give you a ride home.
      When I was younger all the guys I met, I met amongst friends, in school, at the YMCA, in a social setting where I might encounter them frequently. I had the most success in this manner, where I could get to know them in a more natural and relaxed way. I am not a “fast” woman nor have I ever been. I like to have a good sense of safety and control about the men I am around. And while I have made mistakes and gotten my feelings hurt, I have never been in harms way.
      There is no way you will ever meet a man if you are afraid. So put yourself in a situation that is safe when meeting men and give yourself a chance to get to know them and vice versa. If they are in a big hurry for sex and you are not comfortable, just do what is best for you. Trust your instincts on that. Unfortunately, there are lots of one nighters out there amongst every age group. If that is not your cup of tea (it is not mine) the fact remains that there are nice men who are interested in a real relationship. If you do not go out at all because of fear, you will never meet them.

      Good Luck.

    • Petra says:

      If you want to find a relationship you’ll have to put those fears aside. And you’ll have to do something about it – like try to get some dates. Nobody will knock on your door out of the blue or magically appear in your life if you’re not doing something about it. If you’d like some help with all that – get in touch. I am sure we could do a lot together to get you to a better place.

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