Single forever: are your chances to find love diminishing with time?
The most common fear for most singles is that time is running out for them.
Once you hit 25 or 30 (depending on your culture and environment), most people start “sealing deals” – getting married and having babies. If you are single, that’s when panic starts to set in.
Maybe you were perfectly fine being single so far and didn’t feel something was missing in your life – but now you are starting to doubt that. Thoughts of single-doom start to trouble your mind: “How can I find someone now that everyone is getting married? There will be less choice, plus – more pressure and judgement on me, the ONLY single person in my age and social group.”
At the same time (coupled) family members and friends start asking the uncomfortable questions and getting worried something is wrong with you, pitying you or just making you painfully aware you are missing out on this next, important step in life.
Soon, you feel like an outcast, a failure, less worthy then your coupled-up peers – maybe there is truly something wrong with you since “nobody wants you”?
The problem with this thinking is that it only makes your chances to find love smaller. Less confidence in yourself and your ability to find a good partner is the recipe for efficiently pushing away everyone that might want to fill that spot.
When you are convinced your chances are slim, they will indeed be. Time passes and nothing happens. After a few years, you are absolutely certain that nobody will ever want you, and you’ll end up alone for the rest of your life.
This is a downward spiral that perpetuates itself. And you can’t get out of it unless you start believing love can and will happen for you.
Everything starts with two beliefs:
1 – We should all be married by a certain age (usually the cut-off is set around 30)
2 – If we do this, we will live happily ever after with our chosen partner
Both of those are a myth. Let’s not speculate about it, but instead look at some hard facts – divorce statistics (here is a link for USA)*:
– 50% of first marriages end in divorce
– average age of people divorcing from that same first marriage is 30
Divorce rates for second and third marriages are even higher – which means most of those who try again, still don’t manage to make it to the “happily ever after” category. And honestly – when you look around, how many truly happy marriages you see? Not that many. So even for those who manage to stay together, the odds of being happy together are not very high.
What does this mean for you, my dear 30-year-old single person? It means every other of your friends and family members getting married now is going to get divorced, most likely in a few years.
What else does it mean? Well, looking at the average divorce age – with all the divorced single people around 30, your chances to find a partner are actually pretty good.
Probably as good as when you were 22 or 24, since now you are older and wiser and have a much better idea on how to choose a good partner for yourself.
What if you are 40 or older, what happens then? Well, let’s see – the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is about 65%, and the average age of second divorces is around 40. For 3rd marriages the divorce rate is 70%. That still gives you pretty good odds to find a single person your age – whether they were never married, once, twice or three times so far.
How about singles’ statistics? Interestingly, the US Census counted slightly above 50% singles in the whole of population aged 16 or over in 2014. The problem with this counting is that everyone who isn’t married is classified as single. But still, even when you account for coupled but not married ones – there are dozens of millions single people in US.
But why does it seem like that’s not the case in reality? And where are all these single people hiding?
They are everywhere. And most are sitting at home doing nothing to find a partner, because – like you, they believe there are not many singles out there.
Our reality is largely shaped by our beliefs about what is real. Once we believe there is not many singles out there, not many singles our age, not many singles we could match with – the reality warps to fit that thinking, and we only notice and experience lack of choice and lack of “real” chances.
This is the real reason why it is harder to find a partner the older you get. Not the actual lack of good prospects. They are out there, but they will never find you (nor you them) if you believe there is no chance, or very little chance.
At any age, love is possible. At any age, love is available. It’s never out of reach. But we make it harder to get by believing the opposite.
How to get access to all those single people again? Only by changing what you believe in. The longer you persist in thinking there is nobody out there for you, the longer you will be single.
There is no other way, I am afraid. No magic will bring you that special person if you don’t believe they even exist for you.
I was once in your shoes too, and I had to do the same: change myself in order to change my reality.
Only by changing how we feel about ourselves and our chances to find a partner can we actually get access to those wonderful, beautiful people capable of loving us and worthy of our love.
If you need some help with that – I am here. Get in touch. Let’s make some magic.
What is the strongest belief you have about your chances to find a partner?
How strongly do you believe you are worthy of love?
Do chip in in the comments section.
*I know US statistics are not readily applicable worldwide, but similar trends exist in many countries. Please look up your country’s official statistics for relevant data.