Single forever: are your chances to find love diminishing with time?

forever-single
The most common fear for most singles is that time is running out for them.

Once you hit 25 or 30 (depending on your culture and environment), most people start “sealing deals” – getting married and having babies. If you are single, that’s when panic starts to set in.

Maybe you were perfectly fine being single so far and didn’t feel something was missing in your life – but now you are starting to doubt that. Thoughts of single-doom start to trouble your mind: “How can I find someone now that everyone is getting married? There will be less choice, plus – more pressure and judgement on me, the ONLY single person in my age and social group.”

At the same time (coupled) family members and friends start asking the uncomfortable questions and getting worried something is wrong with you, pitying you or just making you painfully aware you are missing out on this next, important step in life.

Soon, you feel like an outcast, a failure, less worthy then your coupled-up peers – maybe there is truly something wrong with you since “nobody wants you”?

The problem with this thinking is that it only makes your chances to find love smaller. Less confidence in yourself and your ability to find a good partner is the recipe for efficiently pushing away everyone that might want to fill that spot.

When you are convinced your chances are slim, they will indeed be. Time passes and nothing happens. After a few years, you are absolutely certain that nobody will ever want you, and you’ll end up alone for the rest of your life.

This is a downward spiral that perpetuates itself. And you can’t get out of it unless you start believing love can and will happen for you.

Everything starts with two beliefs:

1 – We should all be married by a certain age (usually the cut-off is set around 30)
2 – If we do this, we will live happily ever after with our chosen partner

Both of those are a myth. Let’s not speculate about it, but instead look at some hard facts – divorce statistics (here is a link for USA)*:

– 50% of first marriages end in divorce
– average age of people divorcing from that same first marriage is 30

Divorce rates for second and third marriages are even higher – which means most of those who try again, still don’t manage to make it to the “happily ever after” category. And honestly – when you look around, how many truly happy marriages you see? Not that many. So even for those who manage to stay together, the odds of being happy together are not very high.

What does this mean for you, my dear 30-year-old single person? It means every other of your friends and family members getting married now is going to get divorced, most likely in a few years.

What else does it mean? Well, looking at the average divorce age – with all the divorced single people around 30, your chances to find a partner are actually pretty good.

Probably as good as when you were 22 or 24, since now you are older and wiser and have a much better idea on how to choose a good partner for yourself.

What if you are 40 or older, what happens then? Well, let’s see – the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is about 65%, and the average age of second divorces is around 40. For 3rd marriages the divorce rate is 70%. That still gives you pretty good odds to find a single person your age – whether they were never married, once, twice or three times so far.

How about singles’ statistics? Interestingly, the US Census counted slightly above 50% singles in the whole of population aged 16 or over in 2014. The problem with this counting is that everyone who isn’t married is classified as single. But still, even when you account for coupled but not married ones – there are dozens of millions single people in US.

But why does it seem like that’s not the case in reality? And where are all these single people hiding?

They are everywhere. And most are sitting at home doing nothing to find a partner, because – like you, they believe there are not many singles out there.

Our reality is largely shaped by our beliefs about what is real. Once we believe there is not many singles out there, not many singles our age, not many singles we could match with – the reality warps to fit that thinking, and we only notice and experience lack of choice and lack of “real” chances.

This is the real reason why it is harder to find a partner the older you get. Not the actual lack of good prospects. They are out there, but they will never find you (nor you them) if you believe there is no chance, or very little chance.

At any age, love is possible. At any age, love is available. It’s never out of reach. But we make it harder to get by believing the opposite.

How to get access to all those single people again? Only by changing what you believe in. The longer you persist in thinking there is nobody out there for you, the longer you will be single.

There is no other way, I am afraid. No magic will bring you that special person if you don’t believe they even exist for you.

I was once in your shoes too, and I had to do the same: change myself in order to change my reality.

Only by changing how we feel about ourselves and our chances to find a partner can we actually get access to those wonderful, beautiful people capable of loving us and worthy of our love.

If you need some help with that – I am here. Get in touch. Let’s make some magic.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

What is the strongest belief you have about your chances to find a partner?

How strongly do you believe you are worthy of love?

Do chip in in the comments section.

*I know US statistics are not readily applicable worldwide, but similar trends exist in many countries. Please look up your country’s official statistics for relevant data.

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56 Responses

  1. Tam says:

    I think a big problem with dating and finding “The One” when you’re older is that you run out of places to look. I’ll be 40 next year, and although I’ve never liked going to nightclubs, that seems like an even less likely place to find someone now. Dating sites and apps seem full of people with very specific wants. For example, I was talking to someone on a site and when I told him I had just changed careers, he said maybe I should look him up when I’m more settled. Huh? I’m 39 and I believe he was closer to 50. If either of us became more “settled” we’d be dead. I told him, like I’m telling everyone, there’s never going to be a completely perfect time. Everyone is a work in progress. You have to decide if you want to be there to see how things turn out. The way work is going now, I won’t be “settled” until I’m retired. Do I have to wait until then?

    BUT! This, among other things, greatly limits options. If there is a great dating pool no matter what age group you’re in, I just want to know where I should be. Granted, if I wait until I retire, then at least I know the nursing homes will be the spot to start my search.

    Also, this sentence:
    “Probably as good as when you were 22 or 24, since now you are older and wiser and have a much better idea on how to choose a good partner for yourself.”

    I still have no clue. I’m single now b/c I’ve always been. But I’ve always been trying to change that too.

    • Ms Jones says:

      I love your remark “if we were any more settled we’d be dead”. I laughed out loud.
      It is indeed a good reminder that we are all a “work in progress” – something I need to remind myself of as I am going through a “rough patch” right now.
      I am 58, never married, no kids. I am still hopeful about marriage, though the kids may be unlikely at this point.
      I remember some time around 33 I was thinking – if I only had this, that or the other thing set I would be ready to meet a good man.
      Then I said to myself – you are good enough just the way you are. If you wait until you are perfect, you will die alone.
      I know the reason I am not yet married is that I have not yet found a suitable man. Reading the divorce statistics is proof enough of that. (I have 5 married siblings, 3 of whom divorced.) Notice I use the word “suitable” – not “perfect”.
      I have had more than one proposal from men I knew were really not right for me. I did not marry them. That is why I am still single.
      Thanks for the good laugh and the upbeat reminder that we are all a “work in progress”, lovable just as we are.
      I tried Internet dating to no avail myself. Some are lucky with it.
      You have the right idea about yourself.
      I do not know where you live, but if you are not the shy type, you can meet a man almost anywhere.
      Make small talk in the supermarket. Go to every place you are invited. You could have friends introduce you. Go to a nice sports bar. All kinds of men go there believe me.
      I venture out alone quite a bit. It may seem strange to do this, but you will see many other single women doing the same thing.
      As far as I can tell, they are not lining up at my front door, so I must go out if I want to meet them.

    • I’ll date you!! Tam!! I never had any luck with women but it totally sucks being single!!!! I always cry every time I’m single that I’ll be alone forever!!! I DON’T want to give up!!! I’m 30 years old Man and sick & tired of crying!!!

      • LoL!
        I think Ms Jones may be a little out of your range.
        I think it’s best to first find happiness without a woman, before taking on one.
        If you can’t find happiness on your own, how will you offer happiness in her life?

  2. Really hard to believe it’s 63 years since I graduated in the class of 1953!
    At 81, I fully expect to live to 124 – There’s something totally 124-ish about you. You’ll be seeing your own generations and those of your friends as you age, but you’ll always look back and cherish the amazing moments you spent in your youth. You’ve got a great attitude and have learned a lot, and you’ve got a long way to go! Indeed, I feel I have got another 44 years! Someone who laughs as much as you, deserves a long, happy life! Even in old age, you’ll still be having fun. Remember – don’t take life too seriously, but enjoy every single moment! And I look forward to my 3rd & final marriage to be to a Swedish Christian Women!

  3. MeeLee says:

    I find the outlook on this article portrays a pretty bleak forecast.
    50% of first marriages end up in divorce, 66% of second marriages, and 75% of third marriages.
    Like this, it may look like marriage is hopeless.

    But let’s look at this from a mathematical perspective, and see that this is actually a very positive outcome, unlike what it appears like on the article!

    It’s mentioned that 50% of first marriages end up in divorce.
    Sad, but fine. Let’s work with these numbers!

    That means that 50% of people marrying 1 time, actually are staying together!

    If we put the other 50% of people into a pool, those that divorced from their first marriage, and examine them,
    And we see that (for ease’s sake) 2/3rd of them will fail their second marriage; that means that 1/3rd of that 50% will remain married throughout their second marriage.
    So the total of married people equals the first 50%, plus another 33% of 50% (which equals 16.7%) from second marriages, turns out 66.7% or exactly 2/3rd of people remain married through their first two marriages!

    All I can say is WOW!
    If you’re in your second marriage, you have a 67% chance you’ll stay together!
    That’s good news!

    Now if we look at the remaining 33% of people in the pool, and add those that remain in their third marriage, which is only 25% of the remaining 33.33%, that means an additional 9% of people are added to the pool of married people.
    So 66.7+9= 75%.

    In other words, the numbers on this article are actually telling us that 75% of the married people will stay together through their first three marriages!

    In other words, if you are planning to get married,
    you have 50% chance of succeeding your first marriage,
    66% chance of succeeding your second marriage,
    and 75% chance on succeeding a third marriage!

    I think that’s quite a good outlook!

  4. mary says:

    I know I’m a great catch but down deep after divorce I guess I think it’s just not possible for me to find true love.

    • MeeLee says:

      For as long as you feel that way, then don’t.
      Try to find happiness alone. Re-discover yourself. Find hobbies. Travel. Interact with people.
      Don’t look for love, love will find you.
      And all you can do is either give in to it, and risk to be hurt again, or protect yourself from being hurt, and never find it again anymore.

  5. Ron says:

    Hi Petra,
    Thankyou as always. You give me strength. I especially liked the comments from the math guy, MeeLee. Sort of makes me want to go back in time and get married at 30.
    God bless you and your emails.
    Ron

  6. ryan says:

    When you was married before, already have kids, already divorced, why would you want to add more responsibility to the present ones? After all marriage is about children. That’s the bottom line.

    This is one fact that nearly all love coaches omit from their writings. That the consummation of all this search for love is responsibility with no happily ever after. That is fiction totally.

    Now if one never had kids then it’s fine to go in this direction. But for those already in it as a single parent, there is no rush to marry again, having experienced it for what it is.

    • At 81, I fully expect to live to 124 – There’s something totally 124-ish about you. You’ll be seeing your own generations and those of your friends as you age, but you’ll always look back and cherish the amazing moments you spent in your youth. You’ve got a great attitude and have learned a lot, and you’ve got a long way to go! Indeed, I feel I have got another 44 years! Someone who laughs as much as you, deserves a long, happy life! Even in old age, you’ll still be having fun. Remember – don’t take life too seriously, but enjoy every single moment! And I look forward to my 3rd & final marriage to be to a Swedish Christian Women!

  7. Klaudia says:

    I am sorry to say but this article is a platitude. The chances of finding a partner are declining drastically with age. At a certain point, they become non-existent. It doesn’t convince me that a high percentage of marriages end up in divorce. So what? At least, those people can say that they have had someone in their life. They are not in a position that no one has ever wanted them. Age is especially important for women, if they want to have children. Women who are over the child-bearing age are less likely to be desired as potential partners. Changing how we feel about ourselves is supposed to give is a spouse? How is someone supposed to feel good about themselves if they can’t find a partner despite trying a number of different routes for many years? This article does not reflect reality and all it presents is just wishful thinking.

    • MeeLee says:

      As a man, thinking you are a woman, I’d like to give you a bit of my perspective on the topic.
      There’s a difference about feeling good about yourself, and actually being good.
      I know a lot of people ‘feel good’ about themselves, but they’re not taking care of their health.
      They’re not striving to look good. They’re not putting in any effort to attract a male.
      Most women, and I’ve known few HOT women that range from 40+ to 60+, look smoking hot, because they not only care about their diets, but also go and work out.
      I remember this lady, she looks like late 40’s, early 50’s, has a 6 pack and is a fitness trainer.
      She actually is in her mid-sixties.
      But she looks at least 15 to 20 years younger, due to healthy eating, and healthy exercise.
      She tells me she has many younger men hitting on her in their thirties, who have no idea she could be their mother.
      Minor plastic surgery could also be part of the process (like a chin lift and saline breast implant she got).

      Not saying a woman should have a 6 pack, but women who exercise (or go to the gym), generally look good a lot longer, and feel healthy and happy a lot longer.

      It’s not because they are comfortable with who they are.
      It’s because they work to be the best of them they can be, and feel comfortable with that.
      And that is attractive to a male of all ages.
      Men ranging from 30 to way past their 60’s want to be with miss fitness.
      True, she also has her looks working for herself, she was born quite beautiful, and maintained that beauty over the years.
      But even people who are less ‘physically beautiful’, can do a lot about their appearance.

      After working on your character, also start working on your body. (workout, makeup, dressing classy), and as a last resort, plastic surgery for minor corrections only.
      I think a lot of men don’t like major plastic surgeries, that are visually off to what a normal human being should look like (like get breast implants cup F or larger, or bum implants that are more than twice the size your normal bum).
      People can significantly boost their chances by investing 10-20 minutes a day working on their exterior, and 10 minutes working on their mentalities!

      • Klaudia says:

        I’ve come across women who don’t take care of their appearance at all, and somehow they manage to find partners. Those women are not taking good care of themselves and not good care of their families. How will you explain that? To think that anyone can find a partner, at any point in their lives, is a pure utopia and writing such things publicly does a great harm to those who are alone as it gives them false hope.

        • MeeLee says:

          I think it does not.
          You’re not guaranteeing to find a partner.
          You are just increasing the chances of finding one.
          And there’s nothing like ‘false hope’.
          It’s better to be hopeful, than to be hopeless, won’t you say? Even if it doesn’t lead to someone in your life, at least you would feel better about yourself, knowing you live more healthy, and get even more self confidence.

          • Klaudia says:

            Yeah, you can be hopeful and keep deceiving yourself that someone will come ,,when you least expect it” as yet another cliches says. You are a man and it is easy for you to be ok with not finding anyone ever. Men are not expected to be married and have children. No one will ask a man ,,what is wrong with you that no one wants you?” To me now finding someone by a certain age will be an utter and unacceptable humiliation.

          • MeeLee says:

            Klaudia,
            Your post is full of hints of defeat and self pity.
            I’ve been single for almost 5 years, with an occasional short relationship.
            Just because I have a short relationship, doesn’t mean I’m better off than someone who hasn’t had anything. It’s enormously painful to go through that same defeat over and over again.
            I have good looks, but there are other reasons women don’t want me.
            I’m a good man.
            As funny as it seems, good men are not on most people’s lists.
            Despite what every woman says, she goes for the athletic, badass type, or the doctor/lawyer nowadays. Not for the average good man. It doesn’t spark her interest.
            So, every time I do get hopeful, but my hope gets crushed twice as hard once that person stops communicating with me.
            Another failed attempt.
            Sometimes I do lay in bed and cry, until it’s over. Then I pick up my life again, and try to do positive things.
            I’ve learned that my happiness does not come from a partner.
            True, the older I get, the less I desire for a woman, and am content to be alone.
            I don’t think I’ll ever find a woman who has got it all together, but I’m not even close to looking for a perfect woman.

            Like with many, I have an age range of plus/minus 6 years. I’ve tried 12 and 10 years older women, and it just didn’t work out.
            And yes, men in their fifties prefer younger women, because older women are sexually less compatible.

            So instead of wailing your predicament, either do something about your looks and character, and mingle with men, and have fun, even if it’s just a dinner with a man,
            Or sit behind your tv watching soap operas and feel sorry for how you’ll be single for the rest of your life.

            Single or not, you have to get in action!
            If you are going to be single, you might as well start with investing your time and energy doing good for society, get a hobby, do volunteering work, something that will distract you from the need or desire for a partner.

            And you’ll see, you can be relatively happy alone, to the point where a partner would just be an extra concern, not a priority anymore.

          • Klaudia says:

            I disagree with you entirely. Who told you that I don’t do other things with my life? Yes, I do feel defeated and close to giving up on finding someone. I have tried many different routes to find someone and nothing works. Over the years, I haven’t even managed a date or a kiss, let alone a relationship. You are a man and society does not view you less favourably because you are alone. Men are allowed to be alone and childless, women are not. I bet you will tell me that I should not care what others think. I do care. Whether I like it or not I live around people and they notice and comment that I am not with anyone. I do work on my looks. I am not a Barbie doll type and never have been, but am not awful in my looks either. As far as character goes, I am a decent, responsible and loyal person, but somehow no one cares to notice these qualities. I don’t have my head filled up with fairy-tale images of marriage and family and know that if a man who is suitable shows up, things could progress very quickly between us. You can accuse me of self-pity etc, but I know I will not be happy alone and no amount of arguing will convince me otherwise.

      • Ms Jones says:

        I am a woman a little older who takes quite good care of herself. A lot of the men my age
        do not.
        Also, the fact that you do not discriminate on the basis of age is a rarity.
        I have had beautiful conversations – particularly with men my own age – that head south when the realize I am 10-15 years older than they originally thought! Like they want a new sports car to feel young.
        Younger guys are a mixed bag because they may want children so at a certain point the older woman is not on their radar.
        I met a man one month ago who lied about his age (I don’t care), and did not look very physically fit. He has money, nice clothes, good career and the like. When he surmised – after speaking with me – that I was older than him by 10 years, his tone changed immediately and excused himself to go talk to some of the guys (this was at a music club).
        He did me a favor. Seems like he will be alone forever unless he starts throwing his money around. And interestingly I have found that men with an age-ist attitude like that tend to think young girls only want them for their money.
        There are a lot of superficial, confused people out there who really are not ready for an honest, sharing relationship, at least in my age group.
        But I know there is at least ONE out there who is right for me.

        • Klaudia says:

          You are lucky to know that there is at least one potential partner for you.

          • Ms Jones says:

            Well, I do not like to be alone and have been for quite some time. Like you,
            sometimes I feel invisible. Some people are sure there must be something “wrong” with me. When I was younger I always had dozens of boyfriends. Everyone went out, everyone was single, lots of possibilities.
            I have many married male friends that cannot believe I am single. There are people who find me attractive. I am sure there are people who find you attractive as well.
            I have to believe there is ONE out there for me. I am not killing myself trying to find him. I am open to the possibility of it happening.
            When I think back on all the boyfriends I have known over the years, many of them seemed very unlikely matches when I first met them.
            As I have matured, I feel I have a better grasp on how to make a relationship work, what type of man is or is not right for me and so on.
            I understand how you feel because some days I feel the same way too – no one for me ever.
            Some of my friends are content being alone. I still hope to find someone and I think I know how to be a good partner.
            There are many pitfalls in finding the right person and both people being able to stick with it.
            I do not have a crystal ball, but I have seen love bloom for many people later in life. Not everyone is on the same “time schedule”.
            If it can happen for them, why not me?
            Why not you?
            That’s my attitude at this point.
            Good luck Klaudia.
            Personally, I understand your frustration and do not take it lightly.
            I have really been there. I was also very sick for many years and that was a dreadful experience. Took lots of time off from dating. It was a lonely period.
            If you are healthy and solvent and take care of yourself, stay in the mix. There are tons of single women
            In your position. Don’t think you are the only one.
            There has to be ONE decent man out there who is right for you.
            I am alone so often I could practically go crazy sometimes. But I try to see the broader picture and where I “fit in”.
            Ms Jones:)

  8. Ron says:

    MeeLee is right. You have one life, so what are you going to do with it. Yes, the chances of meeting someone decline, but people read defeat in your eyes and move on. No one wants to be alone. Be up beat and someone will stop to see why you are so happy. I repeat, you get one life, so what are you gonna do with it??

    • Klaudia says:

      Very easy to say this ,,don’t worry, be happy” mantra for a man.

      • Ron says:

        Klaudia,

        It was my ex-girlfriend that told me that “I only get one life, so what are you going to do with it.” It is NOT a man’s mantra so step out of your pity parade.

      • MeeLee says:

        I don’t think it makes even an ounce difference whether or not it is a man or a woman.
        Maybe men might be more ok with being single than a woman,
        however, men also suffer a lot more when a good marriage ends up in divorce, while most women are able to move on after 1 month.
        Some men won’t be able for several years, often resorting to superficial relationships, or substance abuse to quiet their pains.

        How many women resort to alcohol or drugs, as a result of a man cheating on them?
        And compare that to the amount of men resulting to the same.

        I wouldn’t blame the man for being ok with being happy alone. His pains are merely different than yours.
        It is not an excuse to use to make yourself feel any better, because it really has no ground.

  9. Martin says:

    I’m in my fifties male never married no children and I have given up its just too much work and I’m not prepared to try.
    If it hasn’t happened at my age it ain’t gonna happen unfortunately I believe in fate.
    I think it’s just luck you are born with it or like me you weren’t born with the luck gene.
    It’s nobody’s fault I know that,it’s out of our control it’s pre determined early in life.
    At least I have accepted it and I’m happy being by myself but I know it will get harder as I get older when I’ll need physical help.
    I know I have disappointed my parents they say I haven’t but that’s the part that upsets me more than anything.
    This site is good to read other people’s stories and realise I’m not the only one who bombed out in love.
    Regards Martin

    • Ms Jones says:

      I had 3 aunts and 1 uncle. Only on ever married (now dixorced) and the rest passed away, never married.
      I have 5 siblings, all married, 3 divorced but all have partners now.
      I am the only one never married.
      I wouldn’t say Inbombed out on love, but it does seem incredible that so many fine people have not gotten married.
      I don’t care what my parents think, but I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.
      I keep trying.

    • Ron says:

      Me too Martin, but I’m not giving up.

      Yeah, I can’t procreate a Family of my own, but I can join her with enjoying hers. You never know, maybe she would want to adopt with you. There are allot of orphans out there. That was my intention anyway, to contribute to society by adopting. I just never met anyone and frankly, I somehow forgot to execute my plan. Life…? You can go overseas, but there are allot of orphans in need right here in the U.S.A.

      In the meantime, I volunteer at my church to watch the kids. They love me and I love them. You can learn allot from kids, they are free spirits and just enjoy the moment.

      Hang in there.

      Ron

  10. Martin says:

    I think being a man it’s very tough you have to have it all,being average in any department is not going to cut it.
    Women have so much choice they can afford to be picky and why wouldn’t they?
    I don’t blame them for that it’s only natural.But for mr averages like me it’s a waste of time and energy getting out there and having a go.
    I buy my lotto every week and that does give me some hope which is better than no hope.
    I’m lucky I get on very well with myself and I enjoy sleeping cause I get to dream.
    Regards Martin

    • 2WheelsOnThe4ThFloor says:

      imagine disabled people!
      I think a lot of them fall out of the boat for just being in a wheelchair.

      • Petra says:

        I know disabled people who have partners and no issues finding them. Looks and physical form can be an obstacle, but usually it’s the psychological side that blocks us, when we think nobody will want us because we look a certain way.

    • Petra says:

      You would be surprised how many women think exactly like you – only the opposite – that men have a better chance of finding a partner. It’s all a perspective. And if average men had no chance, then the majority of people in the world would be permanently single.

    • Mike says:

      I so agree with you. Every girl I’ve met has had 5 to 10 boyfriends in the last 10 years. As soon as they break it off with one, every guy tries to be with her. The guys I’ve met have only had 0 to 2 girlfriends in the last 10 years, because they really have to try and the girl gets to make the decision. So while 1 guy is chasing 1 girl, 1 girl has 10 guys hitting on her, It’s the culture I think. Men are expected to work hard for the girl and make the first moves while the girl just soaks it in. I wish it were equal.

      • Ms Jones says:

        Hi Mike –
        I am never married women, no kids. I am 59 years old. The last man I dated for a long period of time was 5 years ago.
        I have not had a serious relationship or even halfway serious contender since that time.
        I am hoping for a man who will love and respect me, who I will love and respect in return. And whose company I honestly enjoy. Tall order – right?
        Don’t think that just because a woman is “hit on” that she has dozens of suitably matched men throwing themselves at her. This is hardly the case.
        Lately I have met married men, extremely physically aggressive men, very age inappropriate men (more than 30 years older or younger). Lots of them very poor appearance. Many of them very lonely, like me. Even though I am not that superficial, I would not date a slovenly unkempt man. I have met so many disinterested men that are depressed and really want some gorgeous thing to rock to their world. Great. I am sure she is more interested in their wallet than them. And it better be very fat!
        While it is flattering to be “hit on”, that does not mean these men are in anyway suitable for me. And I am not the most gorgeous woman on Earth. The men are lonely and I am too. But I am looking for a long lasting relationship based on mutually shared admiration.
        If you actually DO think women hold all the cards, think of what you bring to the table that a woman really wants, and if she has what you really want for a serious relationship.
        Could you fall in love with one another?
        This 5 to 10 rating system is ridiculous. Compatibility and love do not just magically appear for any man OR woman. There is no numerical rating system for that.
        Good luck in your search. I have practically given up in mine, and I am a woman. It is very hard to find a suitable partner. They do not grow on trees. It is just as difficult for women as it is for men, believe me.
        You sound young to me. If you think you are getting uglier by the day – how can that be?
        Do you shave, bathe, have good oral hygiene, eat healthy food, exercise?
        I do, and have been doing so my entire adult life. Getting “uglier by the day”? Have you simply given up on taking care of yourself?
        I hope you have some type of employment. Just keep your chin up and keep going. Take care of yourself!
        I have dropped internet dating. It was very depressing for me as well.
        You say you have one friend. Good for you! Some people have none.
        Leave your home. Go to any type of social place (does NOT have to be a bar). Participate in some sports. Go to a museum – art, science – any type. Take an art class at the community college.
        I understand there are extremely shy men out there. Don’t expect a woman to twist your arm to get you to talk to her. Just be polite and responsive. Talk to her as you would speak to your friend. As a woman, that is what I want. Almost every serious boyfriend I have ever had was my friend first. There are a lot of women like me.
        The way so many men and women are, they want “instant” results.
        This is a result of the way our society and social media influence people’s thinking. It is not “realistic” to think a person will know instantaneously that you are right for one another.
        Give yourself a chance Mike. It’s actually not easy for anyone to find Mr. or Mrs. Right.

        • Mike says:

          Hi Ms Jones,
          thanks for your insight. I understand where you’re coming from. A couple points I wanted to make. Getting uglier over time was implying that it just comes with the territory as you age. I was ugly when I was a teenager, but I’m even uglier now only because I’m 20 years older. I do take care of myself. What I was implying with women have an easier time with dating is you get to pick and choose who you want to give a try. Guys like me will go out with anyone who will give me the time of day, I’m not picky with looks or attitude or anything. I dated this girl years ago and stayed with her through 8 years of emotional abuse only because I was scared of being alone again. She cheated on me and then left me. If I had “options” for someone potentially better, I would’ve left her way before she left me, and now I’m too old to find someone else no matter how not picky I am. Unfortunately, online dating is based on looks right off the bat, so if you’re unattactrive, there’s no chance there.

  11. Martin says:

    If you’ve never had real love you don’t believe it excists.Thats to be expected if you can’t have something you cease to try and find it.
    It’s natures way of surviving alone, otherwise you would search endlessly for something that isn’t attainable by everybody and is foolish to think it is.
    That’s my experience and at age 54 I know.
    For what’s it’s worth good luck keep trying if you must but you’ll get to a point where you know it’s a waste of time and energy for zero return.
    Regards Martin.

    • MeeLee says:

      Perhaps you have zero return, because you have zero tried.
      I am currently 5 years on dating sites, and met quite a few people.
      I went through the same phases, but I refused to give up.
      I finally begin to think that there is one person with whom things seem to work out.
      She’s not perfect, not quite what I was looking for.
      A little short, has a mole on her cheek, has 2 kids, and lives quite far away, but not unreachable.
      But we connected better than anyone else I’ve connected with before!
      I know she’s not perfection, but I know she’s a good woman, a good mother, a good friend, and have a sensation she’ll make a good wife too!

      Before I met her, I had sent close to one thousand emails, browsed several thousand profiles on a good 5+ dating sites.

      Same goes for a job.
      A man who stops looking, stops getting a job.
      One who keeps looking, will be bound to at some point find something.

      • Petra says:

        Thank you for this comment. I agree we have to keep looking, if we want a result. Once you get it, you see all that effort was not in vain. Take care

  12. Sheila says:

    Hi Petra – I thought this was a really good post. Detailing some statistics. You are absolutely right about changing the way you think about things. There are plenty of singles out there however do they actually have the intention of doing anything about it? Im in the early 60s bracket age wise and Im not convinced.
    The status quo is always easier to maintain than making efforts to change. People do struggle however because finding a great match IS difficult/hardwork. Some might be lucky and get there easily – the majority not so. Its just the way thing are. Therd ard lots of people with the wrong partner!
    If you keep on being unsuccessful then operant conditioning sets in and you tend to give up. This is what is so exhausting and discouraging.
    The universe is full of possibilities. But if our society put less emphasis on ‘couples’, romance and sex things would be a lot easier for people on their own. Best wishes. Like the website.

    • Petra says:

      Thank you – good to hear from you Sheila. Take care!

      • Ronald DiMicco says:

        Hi Petra and everyone on this post:
        I love the back and forth discussions that occur here. It is helping me enormously. I am single, never married, no kids and 59. Pretty grim, I know, but hopefully I have fixed my delusions that I would marry a model. I just want someone that thinks enough of themselves to take care of themself. I would love an older woman that takes care of herself, but if I am lucky enough to get a return email from a dating website from one of them, they pick up that I am not confident. Sometimes they don’t even return my email message. I bet they stay away when they see from my profile that I have never been married. Women have a sixth sense, sometimes a seventh sense. Confidence is very important to them, and frankly in life. I agree with Melee that we have to keep trying; there really is no other choice if we want to find someone to love. It is rare that we can just be found, we have to be proactive and participate.

        Well, I’m going to try and go to sleep alone again. I hope to participate in another response to this great thread. All take good care!

  13. Mike says:

    I’m unattractive, shy, and socially awkward. Those are my reasons. I literally have 1 friend in the whole universe because I have to rely on other people to talk to me first, and that friend is a guy. If I can’t even get a friend that’s a girl, I won’t even be able to find a girl that will love me. I have no talents or special skills. I’m 35 and getting uglier and more antisocial over time. I would love to find that special girl to come home to every day. They say to be yourself and love will follow. Well, being myself involves not talking much and not being very outgoing. I don’t think any women find these fun and attractive traits. I’m just doomed to be alone forever. I’ve also tried internet dating. The only responses I ever got was from scammers. You know the typical story. “I’m currently out of the country working a job”, then after some time passes “I need some money to take care of my sick mom”, or something similar. The one’s that seem real never respond back. I’ve tried everything, but it’s just my destiny. I can’t love myself if no one else will love me.

    • Welcome to the world of the men who don’t look like models.
      You can’t change the outcome, only thing you can do is increase your chances.
      I knew a guy, he was pretty fat.
      He got fed up with being single.
      He started working out, and eating healthy.
      He became a beast. His arms are about the size of my thighs.
      He got a girl. She’s into eating healthy. Skinny like bones, but with workout she shaped up quite some curves of pure muscle.
      They’re happy together, and now have a 4 year old.
      All because the nerd of the class decided to work out.

      Find something that makes you happy doing, and become better at it.
      Perhaps one day someone with similar interest might find you.
      But one thing is true: Don’t do anything, and you know the results of it.
      Work, and you’ll get results.
      Work more, and your results will get better.
      Allow yourself to fail. Like, maybe now you have no one liking you. But work your way up.
      Maybe some day a girl might show interest, only to lose it.
      That’s ok. THat’s a step in the right direction.
      Perhaps the girl after might show you more than just a glance or a conversation.
      Keep moving forward.
      Like said,
      you can’t change the outcome, just increase your chances on scoring the right chick.

      • Marty says:

        I couldn’t be bothered putting in all that effort but hey that’s just me.I believe in fate and luck it’s gonna happen or it’s not you can’t change it that’s life.
        Some people win the lottery some don’t winners and losers like finding a life partner some do many don’t I’m 54 yr old bachelor so I know.
        I don’t knock people for trying though if that’s what makes them happy but it’s not for me those days are long gone.
        Regards Marty

        • Ron says:

          Hi Marty,
          I know that it’s not in the Bible, but “God helps those who help themselves.” Life sucks without a partner so what do you want yours to become? Dont you want to grow old with someone?
          I’m alone and I’m gonna swallow my pride real fast. Call it a New Year’s resolution. Don’t give up.!
          Petra, if you are listening, would you chime in on this?

        • Mike says:

          Hi Marty,
          I completely agree with you on the luck part. I have a steady job, work out, eat healthy, etc but I have an ugly face and crooked teeth (can’t afford to get them fixed). However, there are homeless people that are decent looking in the face and are lazy that have girlfriends. So I don’t think it’s how hard you work that gets you the chick, it’s a matter of luck on meeting the right chick that likes you for being you. You shouldn’t have to put all that extra work in to finding someone and have to change. If you change everything about you to find a girl, then you’ll be fake and therefore will find a fake girl that won’t love you for being you.

          • Marty says:

            Hi Mike
            Yes I’m not going to change or stop being me I’m always friendly,of course if I can make myself better I’ll always strive to do that but I’ll do it on my own for me to grow.
            Luck plays a massive part for sure I’ll just keep on enjoying my own company it’s got me this far.I can always count on me I never let me down.Hope you have better luck than me.
            Take care regards Marty.

  14. Marty says:

    Hi Ron
    Thank you for your kind words much appreciated.Where there’s life there’s always hope so you never know your luck.
    For me personally I can’t get my head around someone liking you as much as you liking them it’s not reality in my world.Thats just liking let alone loving.
    It’s just luck and the odds aren’t good in my opinion.Growing old with someone I’m 54 so time is not on my side I’m already old.
    I’ve accepted I’ll always do life on my own it’s ok but does get very boring I find and a little quiet at home watching tv every night.
    Maybe it will get better the older I get.
    Take care regards Marty.

  15. Ka says:

    I will be 65 soon. I am single, no children, and no sisters. All of my friends have either paired off, married, or have children to spend time with. I cry everyday about how lonely I am. I still have a pretty face but I am 30 pounds overweight because I stay at home and eat and drink too much because I am so lonely. I go to the gym, play piano in public, take watercolor class but nothing fills the void. I would never take my own life but I pray nightly that the Lord will take me in my sleep. My parents are dead and I have one sister-in-law who doesn’t want to spend much time with me. I go to church regularly but I usually look around at all the families and get more depressed. I have met at least 25 guys on line. Some I have dated more than once but most 2 or 3 times at the most. I am in very good health ( for which I am thankful because I have no one to help me if I get sick) but the though of going on with this excruciating loneliness for 20 or 30 more years is unbearable. I own my own home and am not in a position to pick up and move.I cannot bear the thought of this going on and on.

    • Petra says:

      I know it looks hopeless and you feel things will never change for you. That’s a tough place to be in, dark and desperate. But, nobody will come and rescue you. You have to do that yourself. I think what you are really missing is meaningful relationships – and that’s what you need to work on first. New friends, new ways to feel useful and needed, new situations where you can share, care, feel needed and appreciated. Think about ways to make yourself more visible to other people – I feel what you are doing right now makes you feel disconnected, ignored, invisible. That’s the feeling that needs to change first, and from that place it will be easier to feel worthy of love and then the right man will come much more easily. Take care.

    • Nameless says:

      Sister from another mister,
      You have the privilege, to spend time helping others in their needs, and get serious in your relationship with the Lord.
      When you focus your attention off of your own problems, and onto other’s problems, you’ll notice your own will be diminishing, and theirs too.
      Your circumstances may not change, but you will find joy being productive, and helping out others. And perhaps their problems will change.

      Almost all my friends went through the same. Something to do. Something useful with their lives. And once they found what, they often found a partner, doing just the same. Doesn’t matter what it is. Teaching children, or young adults; knitting for the veterans and homeless; feeding the homeless; helping out with weddings or baby dedications..
      Seems like your loneliness can be a great help for others out there that will fill bits of it with their companionship, as you help them achieve the goals they want to achieve.
      Even if you don’t reach your own.
      You have no control over finding a partner other than to be available for him whenever he appears..
      However, you have control over making sure other people don’t have to feel the same depressed or sad, by being a positive influence in their lives!

      When I was single, I devoted myself to a new ministry in church,
      The ministry of hugging.
      There really wasn’t a whole lot I could do, but just love on people!
      Old and young, male or female.
      But my preference was women, and even more, women of my age 😁
      Believe it or not, it was super popular.
      Now I found a girl that can’t get enough of my hugs, and gets them almost all day, and loves them.
      But the women (and some of the men) in church, also appreciated the hugs I offered.
      Perhaps something to think about?

    • Marty says:

      I feel your pain I’m 54 year old male never married no children, I don’t even bother trying anymore it’s all too much work and effort for zero results.
      If it hasn’t happened at 54,let’s face it it’s not going to happen and it’s foolish and unhealthy to think otherwise.
      That’s my take on it anyways.
      Regards Marty.

  16. Elaine says:

    I’m 34, never married, no kids. I finally am in the career of my dreams after 15 years of being in school (some of the colleges were not meant for me, moved, etc). I do not own any home. I know I am not ready for marriage, or kids. I want to be financially stable first. All my friends are married and have kids. My parents are divorced, and my half siblings –well one of them is in a very good marriage. The other is not and they are getting a divorce. My longest and first relationship lasted almost 9 months, but then he and I realized there was no romantic connection. We tried being friends after that, then started up again but then we broke up and cut ties. I remember him telling me that I was everything a guy was looking for in a girl: smart, mature, beautiful, athletic, has some of the same interests that guys are into, nice, somewhat of a bad***. I mean we had a lot in common, We were both into Web Design, both born 4 days apart, both had a pet that lasted for almost 16 years, went to the same school (at different times and years), thought exactly the same, divorced parents. It was too good to be true. My sister-in-law was in shock when she heard the news that he and I had split. She said we were peas in a pod. We were perfect for each other. Everyone I knew was rooting us on.
    Anyway, I’ve done the internet dating scene. That’s how I met my ex. I have been viewed over 100 times on Match, and only a couple of guys have emailed me. I don’t feel the spark or deep connection. I value deep connection in order to feel something. I am the one that initiates the contact to email the guys I think are a good match for me. No responses. In the past I went for the bad boy type, but they always went for the cheerleaders or the hot overly insecure mean girls with a lot of baggage. My ex was the only nice guy type, and it didn’t work out. I don’t do the bar scenes, i like sports and love going to the games, but I’m not much into dancing.

    I know I am young, but if I have the whole package where is my mr. right? Why can’t I find someone?

    – Elaine

    • Petra says:

      Hi Elaine, it’s hard to answer your question without a bit more insight. Nothing pops up from what you wrote. If you’d like to talk about this we can schedule a consultation (please request one via my Coaching or Contact page) and you will get some answers from it. For the rest, we’ll have to have at least a few coaching sessions.

    • MeeLee says:

      Yeah, there could be multiple reasons.
      For me, I can only say that career women never really spoke to me.
      Average (normal) intelligence is desired, but too much of an over achiever is not a turn on for me.
      It might be, if I were to sit home all day, playing computer games and not work.
      But I much prefer women that have worked on their attitudes and heart, rather than their mind.
      Don’t get me wrong, a smart woman has a lot of beauty in her smarts. But I think most men are the alphas of the family. And unless you have a docile man, an alpha male wants a woman he can ‘rule over’… be it good or bad; preferably good….

      Call me old fashioned, but I think for a right family balance, the man has to be the strong one, the achiever, the family pillar, and the woman has to be the support, the wingwoman, the co-pilot.

      There is a saying that doves and sardines have a lot of companionship. But an eagle, or a deep sea whale, has a hard time finding company.

      By achieving more than your friends and family. you’ve put yourself in a spot where it’s continuously harder to find like minded people (men); and have to throw your dice at either the very small chance of getting a man like you, an achiever; or, how does the idea sound to you, of getting the men that you would compensate; a stay-at-home dad-type of guy, or someone who follows, and basically you’ll be the leader of the pack?…

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