New Year resolution: love more

I am not the biggest fan of new year resolutions. Somehow the idea that this one day in the year will make a difference to my life just because it starts a new calendar cycle doesn’t make much sense.

Changing my life and my habits is a constant, almost organic process that takes time – and happens spontaneously. There are of course times when I could use a little push – but I don’t feel it needs to be tied to a specific date and prefer to live by my own rhythm.

But on the whole, I don’t mind the new year re-start. It’s a good, regular reminder that we do need a revision of our lives from time to time, and some fresh plans for the future. It gets us to reflect on our lives, stop and think do we want to have another year like the previous one.

So what do you want for your life now? Do you want your next year to be similar to the last one? I guess in some aspects yes, some not. The hardest part is of course figuring out how to do it, and finding enough will and motivation to follow through.

Life happens when we are busy making other plans – as someone wisely noticed, but it does make a big difference where we set our intentions – they are the compass that drives that life which ‘happens’ in a direction we want, or we think we want.

Intention is not just a wish. It’s a wish combined with action, and brings a shift in our energy. We want something, and we set out to do things that will help us achieve it.

When we decide we’ll change something in our lives, we set a new course, then walk in that direction. Our steps can be inner (challenging and changing our thought patterns, beliefs and emotions), as well as outer (taking concrete, physical actions).

Without that active part, our wishes are more like wishful thinking that rarely comes to fruition. If we want something to happen, it’s not enough to just sit and wait, and hope it will magically find its way into our life.

We want to have more money, we go out and look for a better paying job or new sources of income. We want a fitter body, we increase our exercise and eat more healthily. We want more time for our friends and family, we prioritise our schedules differently. We want less stress – we meditate, take some things of our to do list, change our reactions to things that happen around us… and so on.

Can this work for love too? Can we set our intention to find love this way? Set our goal, then work towards it?

It’s not that easy as it would be with some more tangible, material or logistical goals, but it’s possible. The idea that love just “happens” is one of the biggest misconceptions we so often hold on to, and one that greatly impairs our efforts and success in getting it.

Just because we don’t know how partners come into our lives, doesn’t mean it happens randomly and has nothing to do with how we act, feel and think about it.

For the most part of my life when I was looking for a relationship I also thought it happens by chance. I was frustrated by my mismatched dating matches, and even more frustrated when I was single with no relationship on the horizon.

But I kept looking. And making mistakes 🙂 It wasn’t until I started to learn from them that my love ‘fortune’ started to change. I began to see there is a strong connection between how I felt and what kind of people came in to my life.

I was attracting precisely the kind of men I felt I deserved. Not consciously, of course. But my whole being was like a laser beam that pointed directly to them.

There was no way I could change the direction of that beam before I changed how I felt about myself.

Before that happened – I had an intention (find love/good partner) but my intention was distorted by my deep rooted feelings of not being good enough for that love/partner.

So when you are setting your intention, think about this: it’s not enough to just want it and take action. If you take a lot of action, you will eventually find partners and relationships. But they may not be the ones you’ll be happy with long term.

If you just wish to find someone, without action – it may happen, but you might wait for a long time – years, even decades. (Just in case you think socialising with new people once every few months counts as taking action: it doesn’t.)

So what can you do to set that intention, that laser beam, to point in the right direction?

How about this: set your intention to love. Not to find love (as a noun), but to love (as a verb). Fill your life with love by loving more, not by seeking someone who can give you love.

Loving the people who already are in your life (including yourself), nature, animals, sunshine, music, poetry or sport. Loving your job or the fact you can take a holiday from it. Loving all the things you enjoy, admire, or feel passionate about. Sometimes even loving the things you don’t really enjoy, because they help you grow through life lessons they bring.

Bringing more love into your life starts inside you, not outside. You create it by being in it, feeling it, expanding it. That is how you invite it into your life in more and more ways, shapes and forms.

That is how you make love happen. When you set your intention to love, your beam naturally starts changing its direction towards people who deserve your love, and ones who want to love you back. The more you love, the easier it gets to attract those who want to share their love with you.

You might find out life can be great and full of love even if you don’t have a partner. Or you might find them in the most unlikely moment and place – because you’ll know you truly deserve to be loved that way too.

So how about this for your new year resolution: set your intention to love. Make loving a priority, not finding love with someone.

Loving, not being loved.

Happy new year!


Make a list of at least 10 things you love. They can be big or small, living beings or objects, activities or phenomena.
Feel free to share one or more in the comments section.

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2 Responses

  1. Nian says:

    Hi Petra, I think I am ready for love and I believe the right guy exists but how do I find him. I dont like online dating, I don’t like drinking amd clubbing which is all there is by me. I also want to know how im gonna find my type. I domt want a smoker a drinker or druggie or partier. I don’t want to just go with anyone and I feel in my area there aren’t guys my type. What should I do?

    • Petra says:

      Start with thinking what you do like. Then go there and do that. There is a slim chance you’ll find anyone if you sit at home and think about obstacles.

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