Ghosting: when they disappear without telling you it’s over
Have you ever been ghosted? I know I have! More than once. Just in case you didn’t hear about this new (and pretty precise) term – “ghosting” is that thing people do when you date them and you think everything is going so great – but then they suddenly disappear. With no apparent reason.
The next thing you know you’re spending weeks in agony while they diligently ignore and avoid you, desperately trying to reach them, coming up with lame excuses for their behaviour (“he must be busy”, “her grandma is ill”), until you finally face the truth – they don’t want to have anything to do with you any more. They just didn’t bother to tell you that directly.
Ghosting is not a new practice, it’s been there for a while, but in a time of all-around online availability, it has grown to a massive scale, and turned significantly more rude too. We can now not only contact and follow people in zillion different ways, but many of those ways also have this, khm, quite (in)convenient feature which shows someone we’ve actually seen their message but refused to respond to it.
[quote align=”left”]It’s indeed a pretty nasty way to treat anyone, let alone your former romantic interest. So why do so many resort to it?[/quote]
If you’ve been an unfortunate victim of ghosting, you are not the bad guy (or girl). You haven’t done anything wrong. The “ghoster” is the one who is behaving badly.
I know you can’t help to question yourself and wonder what is it that you said or did to provoke the silent treatment, but trust me – ghosting says much more about the person who’s doing it than the one receiving it.
People who “ghost” are not the ones you should be dating in the first place. If you are still in love with an ex who didn’t bother saying goodbye to your face, it’s time to ask yourself: why would I want to be with someone who treated me like my feelings don’t matter?
And if it’s happened to you more than a few times, the most important thing you should wonder about is why you keep dating people who don’t deserve your love. Don’t go on obsessing about what you said or did and what would be if you did something else instead. If you did something really bad – you’d know it.
Whatever the reason, even if you knew it – it wouldn’t make you feel much better. It wasn’t working out for them, and they made it very clear they don’t want to be with you.
The more important thing here is understanding there is no reason to miss them or want them back, which will help you mend your broken heart and regain lost dignity.
They didn’t just leave you in a cruel and disrespectful way, which would hurt even if you weren’t in love. The bigger problem is they would do similar things and hurt you again and again if you stayed together.
Their actions tell you they don’t know how to communicate, relate and love in a grown up way. [quote align=”left”]Which means whenever an issue would come up in your relationship – they’d probably ghost that too: ignore it, run, hide, avoid, lie, pretend like everything is fine, push it under the carpet.[/quote]
People who disappear without goodbye do it because they are scared of dealing with difficult emotions. They can’t face your tears and pain, can’t deal with the discomfort it would make them feel to see you fall apart.
If you ever broke up with someone, you know it’s not easy even when you’re the one leaving. You can’t feel great doing it. If you ever loved or at least liked the person you’re breaking up with, it makes you feel horrible to see them hurt. It’s hard to endure the questions, the sadness, the outburst of emotion.
[quote align=”left”]It’s never easy to break someone’s heart. But being a good partner means treating the other with love even when you don’t love them anymore. [/quote]
You do that by showing them you still care about how they feel, and you don’t want them to hurt more than it’s necessary. Explain why you have to leave as precisely as you can is the least you can do for another human. A human who will most likely go through enough hell anyway.
So when people ghost – it just shows you that what they are made of. They don’t know any better, and you are better off without them. In fact, you are the lucky one who got away.
I know that when you are still in love and heartbroken it’s hard to see things this way. You want them back, you want closure, you want something. You feel robbed. And rightfully so. But remember: it’s not you – it’s them who are the robber. No matter what you did or said, it was unfair to leave you this way.
You want to be treated nicely, right? Well, you won’t be happy with someone who can’t even breakup properly.
And that works both ways, so – think about this too: don’t be a ghoster. When you’re doing something to others you don’t want to experience yourself – you’re essentially saying you’re OK with that type of behaviour. And inviting more of that into your life.
The way we relate to the world is ultimately the way the world relates back to us. So if you keep breaking your own standards, you will get hurt by someone else, maybe not the same way – but with the same “flavour”: you’ll be neglected or abandoned by someone you care deeply about.
So be nice! It pays off. And pays forward. The more consistent you are about how you treat others, the more of the same you’ll get back.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
How do you feel when someone “ghosts” you?
Did you ever do it yourself? Why?
Thank you for sharing and caring!