3 reasons you don’t get attracted to anyone
You meet a lot of people, but there is never a spark. They can look great on paper, even be quite attractive, but something is always missing. You are not feeling it.
Sometimes we get into that dating funk – we socialise, go out, try hard, and still nothing happens. Part of the blame is on the current ‘consumer’ dating culture – online dating makes it easy to go on a lot of dates in a short amount of time, and more quantity doesn’t necessarily mean more quality.
But usually that’s not the whole story.
I’ve been in that place myself, and it’s not fun. I got really frustrated with going on dates that never went anywhere. My longest no-crush period was about 2.5 years, and even though I was meeting a lot of new people, there was never anyone I’d feel intrigued by.
I even began to think I’ll never fall in love again. I am done. It was something that happened when I was younger and easily charmed. But since then I’ve become too rational and experienced – nobody can fascinate me anymore.
Sad times. But, of course – I did fall in love again. And my first crush after this drought was a guy I only saw one time, in a play. Yes – on stage. So much for ‘rational’.
What I didn’t know then – is that the problem in meeting or not meeting interesting, available or compatible people is rarely about lack of choice or opportunity.
I know that it gets harder when you have little chance to meet new people, but – if that was the defining factor then everyone in big crowded cities would find it easy to meet great partners. Well, if you have it – I am still waiting to see any evidence of that.
Here are the most common reasons why we experience extended periods of no spark.
You might find yourself in one of these – but if you don’t, it’s because this list isn’t exhaustive. Lots of people feel no attraction for lots of reasons, and it would be hard to list them all. If you don’t recognise your situation here, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.
YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX
Yes, you are nominally single – but your heart isn’t. Everyone you meet, you compare with that one special ex partner, and you feel you’ll never find anyone you’ll click so much with. You are certain they were the best ever match for you.
What happens here works both ways – you filter everyone through the ex-lens, and of course since nobody is exactly like them – nobody is good enough.
At the same time – because your heart is still taken – you are not really available for a serious relationship, and that’s why you keep meeting people who don’t make the cut. Anyone who is serious will simply not get attracted to you, because you are not sending them the right vibes.
You have to take the ex off that pedestal first, otherwise it will keep happening.
YOU THINK LOVE ONLY HAPPENS AT FIRST SIGHT
You are looking for the big bang. That incredible moment when you see someone for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them for a 100 years. This happens often in movies, more rarely in life. It’s definitely not the norm.
Strong chemistry is often – lust, not love. We just feel sexually attracted to someone and we mistakenly conclude that means we are a good match.
It happens more often when you put too much emphasis on looks, and too little on everything else. Most people grow out of it in their teenage or young adult years, because they start to see they need more than just sexual attraction for a serious relationship.
It’s great to have that mind-blowing chemistry, but it quickly wears off if you don’t really like and don’t get along with your partner.
You can fall in love gradually, it’s the same love, it can be as strong or even stronger than the first-sight kind. It’s usually the more long-lasting kind, because overwhelming chemistry can make us ‘blind’ – so we tend to overlook the signs we’re not such a great match otherwise.
When you fall in love over time, it’s the opposite – you get to know someone, and start loving them for who they really are, and then chemistry follows.
If love at first sight has never happened to you, then you’re probably just a different person, one that requires more than ‘that look’ to fall for someone, and that’s perfectly fine. Embrace it, it’s good you are that way.
Your relationships may not start with fireworks, but they probably won’t fizzle out quickly like them either.
YOU DON’T BELIEVE YOU CAN FIND A GOOD MATCH
This is a big reason, and it’s made up of one of more limiting beliefs you have. I had some of them during that time I wasn’t meeting anyone I could feel something more than friendship for.
I thought it was too hard to love me. I thought there wasn’t enough choice. I thought all good men were taken. I thought there was something about me that repels men. I thought all men are immature and I’ll simply have to settle on that front. But at the same time I really struggled with the ‘settling’ part.
And so I got what I thought was out there for me: zero men who are grown up enough to get me enchanted by them. Lots of immature boys who only wanted one thing. Or nothing.
Maybe you believe you’re not good enough to be loved, or you don’t think there are any good matches for you, or that love is practically impossible to find, or you think you are way too complex or complicated for someone to love you.
If you can see yourself in any of the above statements, or anything similar that sounds like you simply don’t have a chance because it’s either you or them that’s the problem – you have a serious case of limiting beliefs.
And they all give us the same result – we simply don’t meet anyone we feel attracted to.
It’s hard to recognise you have this issue, because it seems like you are just not lucky.
And sometimes the beliefs are so sneaky, we are not even aware we have them. We think we are ‘realistic’ when in fact we just see our own, subjective perspective.
That’s why it’s so hard hard to let go of beliefs – we think they are the truth. Because our experience confirms them.
There is no reason to ever believe love is out of reach for you. Any realistic, proven, statistical, 100% sure reason whatsoever. And there is no way you can confirm if your beliefs are the truth, there are simply too many variables.
The only way to find out whether your negative beliefs are to blame for your single status – is to change them. I strongly recommend you to try, and just observe what happens.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
Share a belief you have about love and relationships, men, women or dating. What made you believe in it?
Have you ever had an experience of ‘love at first sight’? What was the outcome?
Are you comparing every new person with your ex partner?
Thank you for sharing your experiences here and making this blog a lively forum!