3 reasons you don’t get attracted to anyone

not-attracted-to-anyone
You meet a lot of people, but there is never a spark. They can look great on paper, even be quite attractive, but something is always missing. You are not feeling it.

Sometimes we get into that dating funk – we socialise, go out, try hard, and still nothing happens. Part of the blame is on the current ‘consumer’ dating culture – online dating makes it easy to go on a lot of dates in a short amount of time, and more quantity doesn’t necessarily mean more quality.

But usually that’s not the whole story.

I’ve been in that place myself, and it’s not fun. I got really frustrated with going on dates that never went anywhere. My longest no-crush period was about 2.5 years, and even though I was meeting a lot of new people, there was never anyone I’d feel intrigued by.

I even began to think I’ll never fall in love again. I am done. It was something that happened when I was younger and easily charmed. But since then I’ve become too rational and experienced – nobody can fascinate me anymore.

Sad times. But, of course – I did fall in love again. And my first crush after this drought was a guy I only saw one time, in a play. Yes – on stage. So much for ‘rational’.

What I didn’t know then – is that the problem in meeting or not meeting interesting, available or compatible people is rarely about lack of choice or opportunity.

I know that it gets harder when you have little chance to meet new people, but – if that was the defining factor then everyone in big crowded cities would find it easy to meet great partners. Well, if you have it – I am still waiting to see any evidence of that.

Here are the most common reasons why we experience extended periods of no spark.

You might find yourself in one of these – but if you don’t, it’s because this list isn’t exhaustive. Lots of people feel no attraction for lots of reasons, and it would be hard to list them all. If you don’t recognise your situation here, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX

Yes, you are nominally single – but your heart isn’t. Everyone you meet, you compare with that one special ex partner, and you feel you’ll never find anyone you’ll click so much with. You are certain they were the best ever match for you.

What happens here works both ways – you filter everyone through the ex-lens, and of course since nobody is exactly like them – nobody is good enough.

At the same time – because your heart is still taken – you are not really available for a serious relationship, and that’s why you keep meeting people who don’t make the cut. Anyone who is serious will simply not get attracted to you, because you are not sending them the right vibes.

You have to take the ex off that pedestal first, otherwise it will keep happening.

YOU THINK LOVE ONLY HAPPENS AT FIRST SIGHT

You are looking for the big bang. That incredible moment when you see someone for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them for a 100 years. This happens often in movies, more rarely in life. It’s definitely not the norm.

Strong chemistry is often – lust, not love. We just feel sexually attracted to someone and we mistakenly conclude that means we are a good match.

It happens more often when you put too much emphasis on looks, and too little on everything else. Most people grow out of it in their teenage or young adult years, because they start to see they need more than just sexual attraction for a serious relationship.

It’s great to have that mind-blowing chemistry, but it quickly wears off if you don’t really like and don’t get along with your partner.

You can fall in love gradually, it’s the same love, it can be as strong or even stronger than the first-sight kind. It’s usually the more long-lasting kind, because overwhelming chemistry can make us ‘blind’ – so we tend to overlook the signs we’re not such a great match otherwise.

When you fall in love over time, it’s the opposite – you get to know someone, and start loving them for who they really are, and then chemistry follows.

If love at first sight has never happened to you, then you’re probably just a different person, one that requires more than ‘that look’ to fall for someone, and that’s perfectly fine. Embrace it, it’s good you are that way.

Your relationships may not start with fireworks, but they probably won’t fizzle out quickly like them either.

YOU DON’T BELIEVE YOU CAN FIND A GOOD MATCH

This is a big reason, and it’s made up of one of more limiting beliefs you have. I had some of them during that time I wasn’t meeting anyone I could feel something more than friendship for.

I thought it was too hard to love me. I thought there wasn’t enough choice. I thought all good men were taken. I thought there was something about me that repels men. I thought all men are immature and I’ll simply have to settle on that front. But at the same time I really struggled with the ‘settling’ part.

And so I got what I thought was out there for me: zero men who are grown up enough to get me enchanted by them. Lots of immature boys who only wanted one thing. Or nothing.

Maybe you believe you’re not good enough to be loved, or you don’t think there are any good matches for you, or that love is practically impossible to find, or you think you are way too complex or complicated for someone to love you.

If you can see yourself in any of the above statements, or anything similar that sounds like you simply don’t have a chance because it’s either you or them that’s the problem – you have a serious case of limiting beliefs.

And they all give us the same result – we simply don’t meet anyone we feel attracted to.

It’s hard to recognise you have this issue, because it seems like you are just not lucky.

And sometimes the beliefs are so sneaky, we are not even aware we have them. We think we are ‘realistic’ when in fact we just see our own, subjective perspective.

That’s why it’s so hard hard to let go of beliefs – we think they are the truth. Because our experience confirms them.

There is no reason to ever believe love is out of reach for you. Any realistic, proven, statistical, 100% sure reason whatsoever. And there is no way you can confirm if your beliefs are the truth, there are simply too many variables.

The only way to find out whether your negative beliefs are to blame for your single status – is to change them. I strongly recommend you to try, and just observe what happens.

LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS

Share a belief you have about love and relationships, men, women or dating. What made you believe in it?

Have you ever had an experience of ‘love at first sight’? What was the outcome?

Are you comparing every new person with your ex partner?

Thank you for sharing your experiences here and making this blog a lively forum!

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36 Responses

  1. Ron DiMicco says:

    Hi Petra,
    Great article.., thank you for sharing that!
    Yes, I believe that I am too critical sometimes. And sometimes I scare them away by coming on too strong. I think it just depends where they are, and if they are attracted to me, but I watch myself constantly.
    Men just need to realize that as much as they want to believe that they choose, they really get chosen. For example, my ex chose me, I didn’t even see her coming.

    Have a great day!!

    Ron

  2. M says:

    I really want to change all my negative beliefs, but simply doesn’t know how. Because they are the truth for me, as you’ve written. What to do?

    • Petra says:

      It’s hard, but not impossible. First step is to realise you have them. By observing your thoughts and feelings, look for those that sound too much like ‘all or nothing’ – and challenge them. You need to ‘loosen’ their grip before you can let them go. I have a free webinar that explains the process – please see here: Free resources. If you’d like to talk about it too, I can help. Do contact me for a consultation and I’ll give you my recommendations.

  3. Ms Jones says:

    Hi Petra –

    Thanks for another insightful article.
    I have never been the “love at first sight” type. I have often had the most unlikely boyfriends. We were “friends first” for the most part. The last one – a certain girl told me – What are you doing with that guy? You’re so pretty! You can do much better! Looks are very superficial in my book.

    I never featured this guy as my boyfriend when we met. He was grumpy and fat. Mostly grumpy. I was polite. We traveled in the same social circle so I saw him frequently. Eventually he started to speak to me. Over time romance blossomed.

    This has been pretty typical for me. I am a slow starter. A lot of the guys around here are way too fast for me.But, truth be told, I still have a little “love hangover” from my ex. I have been chatting with a male friend of mine who is in a similar situation. I think it is good therapy for both of us to speak of our exes to take them off the pedestal, as you say. It has been a sense of support for me, particularly coming from a guy.

    The idea of “no one compares to my ex” is slowly falling away. I do have to say, however, that finding someone special has not been, in my experience, something that happens every day. Even before I met him, I had been alone for 5 years.

    Another factor, in my case, was that a terrible medical condition for many years which really made meeting men difficult. They were very large problems, requiring surgery and so on. I really needed someone to love, but it was difficult at that time to really be out there as I was so ill.

    I am very fortunate that I am feeling much better. Being sick puts a lot of things in perspective. The right candidate will have to have good character. There are many immature and superficial people out there. And there are those who imagine they are unlovable – but they really are. It is always best to look your best – to take care of yourself and your body as much as possible for your own health’s sake and dignity. But looks – good or bad – are not everything. It is what’s underneath that really makes you and the other person right for each other or not,

    I sure hope my new Romeo shows up soon!

  4. Chris says:

    Hey Petra! I believe the third statement likely fits me the most. I do have medical issues that have created more problems in my life and my personal beliefs seem to get in the way as well. I know it is long gone for me but for others, I think number three fits a lot of people I know who have been single their entire life as I have. Great article and solid points.

  5. Rachel says:

    Hie Petra

    Thank you for this wonderful article. Number 1 and 3 definitely apply to me especially the first one. Its been 2.5 years since I broke up with my ex and I still love him, I can’t move on even though he has. It’s so frustrating for me because we were together many years and we have 3 kids together, and it just seens no man wants a single woman with 3 children. I feel hopeless and feel I dont deserve love as I wasnt really a great partner when we together so I am coming to accept that its my punishment and love is never going to happen for me

    love Rachel

    • Petra says:

      If you are still in love with your ex, it is a huge block. Until you break the romantic attachment, it will be impossible to find the man who’ll capture your heart. And if on top of that you feel nobody will want you with 3 kids, even if you do meet someone – you’ll be meeting exactly those guys who have a problem with that. I know single mums of three, just like you – who had no problem finding a new partner. Maybe it looks like it’s hopeless, but it’s a matter of perspective and knowing how and where to look. A guy who will like you for the real reasons will be happy to get your kids in the package. And there are guys like that out there, trust me. Do get in touch if you’d like to discuss and see how I can help you (via email or Contact / Work with me pages).

  6. Sheila says:

    Petra – I think ‘M’ above has a point.
    I hear what you are saying about limiting beliefs.
    Are there practical ways of tackling this to turn beliefs around. I know you can list your limiting beliefs and then (say) write down where this belief has come from and evidence etc. thats a good start. However – perhaps when youre out and about there are thought exercises to help shift beliefs.
    Would you make some suggestions – thanks and best wishes.

    • Petra says:

      Hey Sheila, sorry but I don’t have more tips than I gave you during our sessions. Maybe someone else’s approach would work better!

  7. Mel says:

    Dear Petra,
    I contracted genital herpes about 15 years ago. Whenever I meet a guy I tell him as I feel it is important to be honest. I don’t tell him straight away, I give it time so that he get”s to know me first. When I do decide to tell him he rejects me straight away. I don’t make a big deal about it when I tell him. It is a major put off. I try to be as positive as I can be when I meet someone new, but the possibility of rejection is always in the back of my mind. I do feel that I will meet someone who will accept that I have herpes, but with all this rejection I start to doubt that.
    I would appreciate it if you could give me some advice on how to deal with this issue.
    Thanks so much!
    Mel

    • Petra says:

      Hi Mel. How would you feel if someone had it and you didn’t, would you reject him too? Just asking you that to see what are your beliefs around the disease. If you feel you’re defined by it – and it’s making you feel less worthy or less appealing as a partner, that could be the problem. You might be too focused on it as an issue, and as a result attract guys who are not a good match to you, and ones who have a problem with it. I can’t imagine if a guy was truly into you he’d leave you immediately after finding out that you have it. The right guy would stick around because he sees your value, and the herpes would be a minor issue. I know it’s not something you can completely dismiss, and I think it’s great you tell them – but yes, if you see it as a bigger issue than it is, then you’ll be meeting guys who’ll respond exactly that way.

  8. Joe M says:

    Hi Petra,
    Very nice article! I really liked your points on “Love at first sight”. In nowadays society, people are so much obsessed in building the chemistry or attraction in the first place, they fail to get to know the person in detail. Personally I strongly believe that if lust comes after love, that’s the strongest bonding. I might not find someone attractive initially, but after getting to know him/her well, I can develop physical attraction. It happens to me all the time. Most of the people say that if they are not attracted visually, then they won’t like to have a romantic connection with that person & would like to be friends. That’s true, you can’t underestimate the power of winning genetic lottery! But I believe that there are still some people in the planet who can develop attraction after getting to know that person, no matter if that person is good looking or not. Unfortunately I haven’t met someone like that yet. Sometimes I feel that nowadays society is more like sprinting, than a marathon…
    Thanks again for the article (actually all of your articles are masterpiece & I really mean it!).

    • Petra says:

      Thank you for your kind words! I agree with you – looks are just one dimension of a person, and true love never develops based only on physical attraction. Your way is a much better way to find it. Just keep looking, you will find girls who feel the same way and your relationships have the potential to be much better than those based just or primarily on physical chemistry.

  9. Melanie says:

    I moved to a new city alone 2 years ago as a 40 plus woman. I am curvy and relatively pretty, financially independent, high intelligence and a great sense of humour. I tried online dating and I only attract bums or freeloaders or middle eastern men, not a Caucasian guy. I am so utterly lonely, it’s almost a physical pain now that i think I would settle for anyone than continue like this. I see friends celebrating all life’s special occasions and I can’t bear it anymore so I don’t go to events because I get so upset. I guess it’s like a woman who wants a baby and all around her are pregnant women. I was married once to an abusive man and walked away, I cry because even I. The marriage I never experienced love and affection. Now Nobody wants me.

    • Petra says:

      I can help you discover what’s the reason you can’t find anyone, and find solutions. Contact me for a consultation.

  10. Lisa says:

    I feel like I’m all of these. Its been a year since my first real heart break where a guy I’ve loved more than anyone left me for a much younger much more attractive female with no kids etc. a lot of things I wish I was she is and he chose her. Not only did it hurt and ruin what good I thought of myself, now I’m so confused what men really see in me. Makes it hard to be with someone else while I’m constantly running through my head what they really think of my face, my body and my personality. I’m very insecure, I don’t think any guy deserves to be with anyone as ugly and jacked up as me. Yet I still talk to guys, I’m still picky about who I date. There’s so much more to my problems lol

    Do if I should just take a long break choosing not to date, or if I should take up a guy on his offer that has some of the things that are appealing to me and see what happens… I also fear wasting time, bringing my daughter around someone else who will leave, not falling in love ever, or passing up the opportunity with a decent guy because of all my fears and regretting it later in life.

    I’m also a single mom, working, going to school, I just got braces and have two facial reconstructive surgeries coming up within the next year… It’s always a battle of date now and find someone who will love me and go through these things with me. Or wait until I’m basically “fixed” and a better option for a guy…???? Please tell me what’s wrong with me.

    • Petra says:

      Hey Lisa. The only thing you need to change is your opinion of yourself. Your insecurities and fears are the ones causing the rejection. I could help you with this, if you’d like to explore that, do get in touch.

  11. Jules says:

    Holy cow. Yes. I’d say a good majority of this article was spot on for me. A year ago I experienced “love at first sight”. The problem was it was waaaay more complicated than simply falling in love with someone instantly. This ended a couple months ago now and you could say that I’m not over my ex. However! Not in the aspect that I miss them and wish we were still together and I still love him. Rather that I despise him! Wish he would burn in hell. Everyone time I see his car or randomly pass his neighborhood I cringe. All I really want is indifference. I don’t want to hate him. But he knows what he did to me and he knows it was down right dirty and wrong. For a while all I could think about was what is wrong with me?!?! Why would someone tell me they love me and want to move away together and then just stop talking to me to date another person? I got over those thoughts quickly and realized he’s an asshole and I’m quite the catch but now I’m in this funk where I don’t even want to deal with it. Dating does not sound like fun. Getting to know a guy sounds like a set up for failure. I just don’t want anything to do with it. I’m scared of settling! I’m scared of getting close to someone who could potentially let me down. But at the same time it’s like, oh my god, is this normal? Hahahah.. But it’s good to know there’s hope. One day I won’t feel like this anymore. Hopefully.

    • Petra says:

      Just because one guy let you down, doesn’t mean they all will. That’s where your thinking needs to change. Not all men are like your ex. The one thing that will help you with regards to him – is understand what made you fall for him, so you can avoid making the same mistake again. Not dating because you are afraid you’ll get hurt or rejected is not a long term solution, and won’t help you get better at your love choices. Understanding what makes you attract and fall for guys who are not a good match will. If you’d like to work with me on this – get in touch.

  12. Ashley says:

    Hi Petra I’m Ashley just found your page. Thinking I was not attracted to anyone like girls and guys and becoming a asexual. I recently went thru a breakup with my ex we were off on for 8 years since 2007. 2008 we broke for good well what I thought few months later I recontacted him in fall of 2008 then be some good friends kinda well felt like we were good friends. We got back together for a day in 2009 them stayed good friends till 2015 but he was always asking if we can get back together and rekindle the flame I said no cause I didn’t trust him cuz he broke my heart when we was 19 and 21 then he had trouble with his dad in May 2015 I said move in with me till everything calm down cause he lived with dad and they didn’t get along then in June 2015 he asked lets get back together I said idk my mom said he wants u back badly I said I know then on June 12, 2015 I said ok fine will give it a shot then few days later he said I’ve always loved u and I love u now. Then in mid July we started to fight a lot. It lasted till sept 3rd 2015. He cheated on me and left. Haven’t spoken a word to him sense mid September cuz I told him to come get his stuff or I’ll throw away. We have been intimate since January 2008 but nothing since August 2015. I still think about him daily but not much since I got a Job in November. Working helping but I still stalk his Facebook. Blocking don’t help and I’ve deleted his number from my phone and memory. I still have videos and pictures of him so yeah. Can u help me??? Please!!! I’d appreciate it. Thanks

    • Petra says:

      You are not asexual. You’ve just been hurt and you closed down – easier to not feel than to feel pain. But that will get you nowhere in terms of finding a good happy relationship. Explore your fears and insecurities, they will lead you to answers. I don’t think your guy is the right guy but because he was in your life for so long, you need a detachment period to stop thinking of and having feelings for him. It will take time. In the meantime, focus on yourself. I can help – get in touch if you want to work with me.

  13. Kirsti says:

    I have no issue with ex boyfriends and a normal childhood but I have intense anxiety and overthink when I am presented with the possibility of a new relationship. I have no trouble attracting men, but this is how it goes: I like man. Man likes me. We get to know eachother and either before or after anything physical happens (literally it can go either way) I convince myself I didn’t like them in the first place and it was all just lust or something else going on with me. I have tried saying nothing, I have tried opening up about my feelings. Neither works as within a very short period, I have picked holes in everything, judged the guy on his negative features or just lost all attraction whatsoever. I don’t know whether I was just never really attracted in the first place or if this is a problem I have with my own feelings Either way, its been 7 years (I’m 29) and the longest relationship I’ve had is 2 months. Most of them last less than a couple of weeks. I have tried to google why people overthink things to this extent and why there is so much fear and anxiety but I can’t find anything that truly describes how I feel. Your article has a few points which I can relate to though. I wish I knew what’s wrong with me so I don’t end up alone the rest of my life…

    • Petra says:

      I’d say you have a fear of closeness or getting hurt. Not sure but either will make you act like this – reject relationships when things start to get emotional. If you open up, you could get hurt. And that would be such a blow that you’d rather not feel anything than feel pain. Think about it, what are your fears? That will lead you closer to answers.

  14. Rae says:

    So I feel this article is correct but can’t place where I’m at. I don’t have an ex to compare to and a relatively normal childhood. I get crushes on men but I identify them quickly as sexual attraction and can easily move on if I meet the fellow and there’s no real foundation for a friendship. I’m pretty, workout regularly, am a little overweight which only seems to attract more guys and i have a very positive general outlook. I get asked out a lot by male friends, which always blindsides me because I feel zero attraction and I’m not good at seeing their subtle hints which my gal friends tell me I’ve missed. When I give a man I wasn’t physically attracted to a chance, (date him and such) and try to picture a romantic relationship after a few months, I feel actual revulsion at the thought of being with him. Even with men I’ve become quite close to as a friend. I get even more disgusted by kissing them and the notion of sleeping with them is just gross. I thought I might be gay or something but women make me even more repulsed. I’m not promiscuous. I do get super lonely and horny too, I’m no saint. I want an intimate relationship! I grew up in a large family and I’m very good at sibling style relationships. I wonder if that’s my problem cause I have lots of friends of both sexes, and I treat them like family. I just don’t know how to manufacture sexual attraction after becoming friends with someone you had no original attraction to. I tend to go the opposite way. The more I know someone, the less I want to be with them romantically. It’d be like sleeping with my brother. We’d have a great roommate relationship. No Sheldon Cooper agreement needed! Anyway, I’d love some advice. I’m twenty nine, and financially set.

    • Petra says:

      Well, I honestly have no clue 🙂 There might be something deeper/different here than just the fact you don’t get attracted easily or friendzone most people. How about we talk about it, I think we have a better chance of discovering what it is that way. If you’d like that contact me for a consultation via Contact or Coaching page.

  15. Paul says:

    Hi Petra,
    Could you please give some insights on how to shed limiting beliefs? I’m in my mid 40s and have yet to ask a woman on a date (i.e., I have literally zero romantic experience). I truly believe there is no hope for me and that no woman could ever find me attractive.
    Thanks, Paul

    • Petra says:

      Hi Paul, it’s great you recognised you have beliefs that are not working in your favour. That’s the first and biggest step to changing them. Changing beliefs is something I focus most in my sessions with clients, so if you’d like to see how I can help you, please contact me via email and we’ll arrange a consultation. I also have some blog tips here: http://petralovecoach.com/?s=limiting+beliefs and here in my free video webinar: http://petralovecoach.com/freebies/, so you can start there too. Take care.

  16. white kitty says:

    Hi Petra, it’s a nice article. I mostly agree with you. I have been alone for almost 10 years. I’m now 33 years old, I have my own business and people say I look younger than my age. I don’t think it’s hard for me to attract men but I am the one who is so hard to be impressed. I wish I could do what you suggest and find someone who can make me happy. The problem is, I live in a country where religion really matter (I live in Indonesia) and recently I’ve changed so much (spiritually) and that makes dating people so much more difficult. I guess I need more luck :-/

    • Petra says:

      Lack of choice is an issue, but that lack is usually much more in our heads than around us. Remember, you only need one – and that one guy who is going to be like you can certainly cross your path, and there is always ways to meet like minded people, anywhere in the world. Maybe he is an expat, maybe he is also someone like you, different than the majority, but he is definitely out there for you. When you don’t believe there is people out there for you, that’s exactly what happens – you keep meeting partners who are not a good match, or you simply don’t meet anyone interesting for a long time. You can turn this around and things will start to happen, trust me – I’ve been there myself. Get in touch on email via Contact or Coaching pages, and we can discuss in more detail.

  17. Devika says:

    Hi Petra,
    Very nice article! …I am going through the same phase where i don’t feel attracted to anyone anymore and i am just 25.I was in a relationship for 8 years…he got married few months back.I am Indian and my parents are searching for a suitable match,i got positive responses but as you mentioned in your article something is missing.I just read you article and think i am still in love with him.

    • Petra says:

      If you are still in love, it’s hard to meet someone new who will make the right impression. Your heart is still taken, even though you are formally single. Let me know if you’d like to work on this with me, I can help.

  18. Josh says:

    Hi Petra,

    I’m struggling. I’m 31, good looking, and I’ve been on hundreds of dates and dated many women. I’m the envy of a lot of guys. But every time I even begin to develop feelings for a girl, I screw it up somehow. This has been my entire life. I’ve never dated someone I liked more than a few weeks. And I rarely develop feelings. 3 years ago I started seeing this amazing girl, but I kept her at a distance and I didn’t know why. She stopped talking to me and I tried to get her back, but it didn’t work out. I moved 3000 miles away and when I called to say goodbye, we connected again. We talked all the time for almost a year and called each other “baby”. I wanted to think it was real, but somewhere in my head I knew it wasn’t. I couldn’t help it though. It was the closest I had ever gotten to a girl in my life.

    I moved back, but she was back together with her ex. I knew then I had to say goodbye. I haven’t spoken to her in 9 months, but I can’t stop thinking about her all the time. I’ve dated 15-20 girls in the 3 years since I met her. I feel like I’ve given all those girls as best chance as I could. Some of the ones I kinda liked just ended up not liking me. Every day I tell myself it’s time to move on, but nothing happens. I know I’m holding on to the regret I have and the “what if”, but I don’t know how to move forward. Everyone’s advice is to just meet more women. That’s my problem though. More isn’t better. I meet women all the time. I’m not sure what to do.

    • Petra says:

      Well, there is a lot to untangle here. You are still in love with the girl you fell for 3 years ago, so it’s hard to meet someone new who will steal your heart again (while you are emotionally still attached to your ex). The other problem – and probably your main one is the fact you are not able to get close to someone. Whether it’s a fear of closeness or getting hurt, or something else, we could explore together, if you are up for it. I do a lot of coaching with people who have similar issues like you. Would you be open for a consultation to discuss further? If you are, please send me an inquiry via my Coaching or Contact page.