You need to have a life to have a love life

If I only I had someone – everything would be better and easier in life. Everything would make sense. I’d never feel lonely again. I would be happy.

Does that sound like your thoughts?

What if I told you that thinking is not only false, but it’s actually counterproductive – because it’s seriously hindering your chances to find a good matching partner.

Here is why…


What do you think will change once you find a partner?

What are you doing right now to make yourself happy?

Thank you for sharing your views! Always appreciated.

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10 Responses

  1. Lana says:

    I would like to ask a question about a love relationship with alcohol abuse person? How to behave to that personality ?

    • Petra says:

      My suggestion would be that you try to get him to ask for help, and cure himself – your partner needs to heal before you can have a healthy relationship. If he doesn’t want to – then you have a choice to put up with his addiction, or leave. But without knowing the particulars of your situation, I can’t give you anything more. Also, I don’t have experience with such cases, so I may not be the right person to ask. I’d suggest you to look for an expert who is specialised in dealing with alcohol abuse or addictions, they will probably be of more help.

  2. kathy says:

    I totally agree that you have to create a happy life for yourself. I have done this, and continue to do so. I have “been around the block” in my long life. Quite frankly, I find that most relationship gurus are much younger than myself. Sometimes I wonder how they will look at things when they get to be 60.
    But anyways, here’s a dilemma I keep finding to be true for me: the more established, rooted, set up, whatever you want to call it in your life, the harder it is for me to find people that will logistically “work” for me and my lifestyle. I have no trouble getting dates and men who want to offer to share their life with me, but i find I have to make tough choices and give up much of my agenda, life plans, home, etc to be with them. Not because they are telling me to, but for practical reasons, I would just have to. Unless I hooked up with a looser who had no life.
    My ex was a very capable, accomplished man, but was a jerk to me many times, selfish, destructive, unstable, but we had our dreams, interests and goals perfectly aligned with each other’s. Now that he is gone I am so frustrated that I am faced with having to turn myself inside out making choices and changes to my lifestyle to fit in with some other “happy” person who already has a life which is so different than me and my ex’s life. I doubt if I will find someone who can “fit” for me, let alone be attractive to me at this age. I find myself longing for an exact replacement, which is unrealistic.
    Sometimes I think you can get too much of a happy life with yourself that people don’t want to give that up or it’s just too hard to coordinate with another person’s life. No wonder the statitics say that 30% of households are single.

    • Sheila says:

      Well done you Kathy when you say:
      “I have no trouble getting dates and men who want to offer to share their life with me, ”
      Anyway its academic now for me. Im just forgetting ‘dating’ (whatever that is) and accepting where I am.

    • Petra says:

      I would say you can have both, but you will probably have to compromise on some things – for example – if you want a guy who is established and owns a lovely home, then you’ll have to decide whether it’s your home or his you’ll live in. Someone will have to give in, but it doesn’t have to be you. I feel a man who wants you in his life will be willing to compromise too. I know it’s hard to imagine we’ll meet someone with whom everything will fall into place, but I also think – the more we believe, the easier it gets. And whatever your priorities or criteria are, make sure they are not too restricting. Like – looking for a man who is an exact replica of your ex (without the bad sides) is probably too restricting 🙂 And I do agree with your comment about age – having a reasonable life experience is important to be able to help others, otherwise is just rambling about things from theory. I’ve been “around the block” as you say more than most people my age and I feel I can contribute accordingly. But yes – who knows if it will be the same when I’m 60? Thanks for commenting and sharing!

  3. Sheila says:

    Better to say “get a life!” End of. Forget dating. Accept its a possibility you might always be on your own. Get on with filling your life with interesting things. Dating will “spontaneously arise”. Mmm – not in my experience it doesnt.
    Trouble is ‘interesting things’ are no good when what you really need is warmth and closeness and a shoulder to lean on someone to ‘share with’, someone to hug.
    You want sex? Sorry you cant have that – you have no partner.
    Where the fear arises in single people is when you believe that your aloneness will remain for the rest of your life.
    Getting a life only goes so far then the loneliness creeps back in round the edges,
    Ho hum. The only way I and many singles get through is the thought that partnered people do not ‘have it all’. They may not have the things I describe above.
    Now this begs the question – if this is the case – WHY would I want a partner? For someone like me – I reflect on Oscar Wildes comment “(marriage) is the triumph of hope over experience”.

    People who say ‘you will find someone when you are not looking’ are intensely irritating. This remark always comes from someone who has a partner. Funny that. No one single has ever said that to me.
    Best wishes,

  4. Patrick says:

    Hi Sheila,

    I totally van agree with you. I have a life. I go to the gym, I go to events with people, I enjoy hiking, I am active as a volunteer, I am in a club, I have a job, I enjoy being with my friends etc, etc. The only thing that isn’t working out is my love life. Somehow it is hard for me to get dates. And when it happens I’m usually the nice guy but not the one to have a relationship with. And then it gets really frustrating when friends say that one girl for you is out there, you just need to be patient. I also want my share of closeness and warmth. And I’m getting better in giving it to myself but the hard moments when I come home alone are still there. But I refuse to get totally negative. So I stil believe that there is love for me out there. Hopefully I don’t need to want too long for it.

  5. Sheila says:

    Hi Patrick – thanks for your support. I found a very funny and accurate comment on a forum from a woman who had tried it ALL. Including doing what she was passionate about, trying to find someone, not trying, etc etc and it still hadnt worked. She was still alone. Its simply got to be true that some people never find anyone. You can do everything including thinking ‘right’, be devoted to the law of attraction, be fit/slim/clever/beautiful. Go out and about, join classes, travel, fung shui your bedroom with little pink altars to the dating god…..and still the ideal person for you just isnt in the right place at the right time. Its called luck. I wish some people would accept this. It is not anyones ‘fault’ if they cannot find a partner. See Sarah Eckels wonderful book ‘Its not you’.
    Also demography and availability must play a part. For example what is the ratio of men to women in places (say) like China? Not every man will find a woman there!
    Some people are lucky in health. Lucky with jobs, lucky in wealth, some are lucky in love. End of. Of course one can persuade oneself that this can be ‘fixed’ and there is a solution to the problem of finding a partner. This is a very easy trap to fall into.
    No – I am not totally negative – just very realistic. There are other things for me to do than dating (even if I could find a date) and thats what I concentrate on. I cannot put my life on hold whilst waiting for a miracle. I have had to accept that I cannot ‘have it all’. I did in fact make myself very distressed over ‘being alone’. In the end I realised I could make myself happy by not making myself unhappy.
    I hope you find what you are looking for. My warmest best wishes to a fellow traveller.

  6. Juliana says:

    Hey! I loved your video and this isn’t even the first time i’m getting this advice of “getting myself a life in order to find love”, but it reminded me and inspired me to start changing asap… Let me tell you a bit about my story: i’m a 17-year-old girl, and some people tell me i’m too young to worry about finding love and stuff, yet it has a really strong effect on me due to the depression i’ve developed over the past few years, and recently it’s been getting even stronger because, also due to my depression, i’ve dropped out of school and i’m staying most of my time at home, and i have no friends either, so.. Last year i didn’t go to school at all, but this year i’m trying to go back and just trying to put my life on the right path, but it’s still hard… anyway. So recently i’ve been having this constant thought that i’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life, simply because i’ve never ever even kissed anyone, and i have no friends, so all this comes together and just destroys me. My biggest priorities in life are: move to the country of my dreams, have a successful career, and have a family (that is: a husband and two children). And sometimes i feel like this is never going to happen simply because i’ve pretty much been alone my whole life, not only when it comes to relationships, but also when it comes to having friends. I feel like it’s my fate, or karma, to not have someone with me. And that destroys me. Because loneliness is my biggest trauma ever.
    Yet, I believe in what you say about if we change our lives for the better, all the good will come to us. Even though there’s still a voice in my head that says, “that doesn’t matter. It’s your fate. You’re meant to die alone.” And that still terrifies me so hard… but i’ll work on that.

    • Petra says:

      You are so young, and your whole adult life is ahead of you, decades of figuring out what you want to be and how you want to live. There is plenty of time, and plenty of life experience you’ll get along the way to help you figure out how to get what you want. Family, career success and living abroad are things that will come in maybe 10, 20 years. So don’t dream about those big things that will happen one day, rather than that – focus on doing things that will get you to a better place where you are now. I would set smaller goals for now – like finishing school, finding a friend or two, getting out of your depression. Those are still great goals, but much more tangible and make more sense for you – as you live day by day, step by step, making yourself happy as you go – everything else will fall into place as well. It would be best to seek help from a professional to deal with your depression, reading blogs can only do so much. Also, don’t sweat about being single and never-kissed at 17 – it is not so unusual, and it’s nothing to be worried about. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to catch up with your peers who are already there. You will not stay alone forever. Your “feeling” is just fear. Also – hitting milestones that we are “supposed to” at a certain age has never made anyone happy. What makes us happy is finding our own path, our own way, and being happy living the life we chose for ourselves, not what someone else has designed as “the perfect life”. Whatever you do to show to other people you’ve succeeded will only make you feel more empty and discontent if you don’t do the inner work first. All the praise and validation from the outside world means nothing if you feel worthless inside. Take care and please seek help for your depression!

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