Why is it so hard to move on?
I wrote about moving on after a breakup many, many times already (here’s how many)… but it seems, based on your questions and comments on the topic, still not enough :).
If I had a magic wand that could bring your ex back, I’d be one very rich magician.
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a magical approach, tactic, strategy or move that will definitely and surely make your ex realise they still love you.
You need to move on. That’s it. That’s what life is all about, moving on from things that have expired or ended.
Breaking up is hard, moving on is harder, but trust me – there is no reason to hold on to the past, no value in it at all. There is nothing in it for you.
Think about it – if you stay lingering and hoping he or she will come back, what can you gain? What happens while you wait?
For your ex, absolutely nothing. They moved on with their life, maybe now already dating someone new, and don’t want to be with you anymore.
Whether you stay behind and hope and pray they’ll return, or simply acknowledge it’s over and go on with your life, for them – it’s pretty much the same.
If they still care for you as a person, they’ll be happy to see you happy. But they won’t come back because of it.
If they don’t care, well, then – they simply don’t care one way or the other.
You can try to make them jealous, or make them miss you – but again, that will not change their feelings. If they want you back, they’ll come back on their own terms. Not because you teased them into it.
Even if you succeed with some sort of manipulation, it probably won’t last, because you didn’t get back together for the right reasons.
If they don’t want to be with you any more – they won’t come back no matter how much you plead, beg, pretend you don’t care or date other people to make them jealous.
So what can you do to bring them back?
Nothing. Zero. You have no control over it.
The only choice you can make is how you’ll continue with your own life.
You can stick with your self-pity and longing for a long long time, because you feel you “simply can’t move on”.
Or you can cry your tears, feel a bit sorry for yourself (that’s perfectly OK, we’ve all been there) but after that – pick yourself up, and no matter how hard it is – decide you won’t let your current feelings take over and run your life for good.
And then start moving forward with your life – which means looking for and being open to new opportunities and new partners. Without obsessively comparing them to your ex.
The pain in your chest, it will pass. Not immediately, maybe not in a few weeks. It will probably take you months if it’s been a long (years long) relationship, but the sadness and the longing and even the anger will, eventually, end.
Definitely sooner if you make a conscious effort to get on with your life than if you keep going back, reliving the past, hoping they’ll come back and refusing to accept it is all over.
If you still keep in touch with your ex, while you’re still in love with them – it’s a bad and painful emotional roller-coaster. Which I am sure you are very well aware of (if you’re still doing it).
Don’t. Make yourself stop. I am sure you already know how to block people on your phone and social media. If you don’t, ask someone to do it for you.
Moving on starts with a decision. It’s not just something that spontaneously happens while you’re busy texting your ex and hoping for a booty call. It’s not a random event that occurs one fine day out of the blue. It’s a process, and one that takes some effort.
But, to make that decision – you have to actually want it. You have to be sure it’s a decision that will do you good.
And you know why you still don’t think it will? Because…
YOU THINK YOU’LL NEVER FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT ANYONE NEW NEVER EVER AGAIN
This is the biggest and the most common trap we fall into. It happened once. It was magical. It couldn’t possibly happen again, could it?
Why not? Who says that something that happened to you once can’t happen again? It happened, so it’s possible. What else can you conclude out of this one occurrence?
There is no way you can know if this person is the best partner you’ll ever have until you get to your deathbed.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life thinking there is nobody else out there for you?
You are surely wrong to think this was the best relationship you could ever have, but it will take some time to figure it out. Give it time.
And don’t reject the possibility of someone new and amazing sweeping you off your feet. People like that do exist. You met one so far, so there must be at least a couple more, right?
I doubt life would be so cruel to come up with just one great matching partner for you and then let your relationship miserably fail so soon and so fast.
BUT, WAIT… HE/SHE WAS THE ONE
Oh yes, that’s so true too. How is it true? Because you simply KNOW it is.
What actual proof do you have… well, I guess none. Except, you feel this person is the one for you. Well, feelings can be deceiving, and they tend to change a lot too.
Even though this person hurt you, cheated on you, lied to you, made you feel small and stupid, insulted you, criticised you, forgot about your birthday, didn’t really care to call you, argued with you for months or years… you still believe they are the one?
Oh yes, that is exactly how true love and the most perfect person for you looks like.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER – SO HOW COME THEY DON’T SEE IT?
Well, maybe your ex doesn’t share your opinion. Maybe they think you’re not so great together.
Who is right? Unfortunately – there is no right or wrong here. There is just a “let’s agree to disagree” situation.
Can you make them change their mind? Well, go ahead and try. Convince them that you are the love of their life, even though all they want to do when they see you is run for the hills (or they already did).
Do you really think you can change how someone feels? Or even thinks?
Imagine it was vice versa. Imagine you’re the person who simply doesn’t feel it any more. Just picture someone in your head you don’t care about (can be a different ex, or someone else who’s into you but you are not into them).
Now think about – what could they possibly do to make you fall for them?
If you find that magical move, let me know.
In the meantime, please, think about moving on. That is really the only option that’s completely under your control. Everything else involves tampering with someone else’s free will. And that’s not possible.
If your ex does come back after a while, you can always take him/her back. If you feel like it. Chances are, you won’t.
But no matter what happens with them in the future, there is really no valid reason for you to pause your love life while you wait for their uncertain comeback.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
Agree? Disagree? Tell me why!
Thanks for contributing and making this a lively and informative forum. Mucho appreciated.