Meant to be together, but… it’s not possible

meant-to-be-together
You know that feeling when you’ve met someone really really special, when it almost instantly feels like you’ve known them for a hundred years? The magic is there, the connection feels real, you finish each other’s sentences and know what the other one thinks before they even say it. You’ve met your soul mate. Or so it seems.

You are both thrilled you’ve found each other. You date for a while, and everything is perfect… and then, often out of the blue – something happens and they decide it’s time to call it quits. They say they still love you but someone or something is preventing them from being with you.

It could be their family (you don’t fit into their idea of the right person for their son/daughter), the time isn’t right (they are too busy finishing their PhD/building their career/travelling the world), they already have a spouse that they suddenly decide they are not ready to leave yet, or they simply say they love you, you understand them so well, you’re the most amazing match for them, but… something is missing.

Whatever it is, it’s always a reason beyond their control. They’d love to be with you – but – heck, it’s just not possible.

If you’ve experienced a similar scenario, you probably find it very hard to move on and stop hoping this person will somehow change their mind and get back to you.

You’re thinking goes round and round in circles to all the good times you had together. Plus all the possible good times you could still have. There is so much potential! You are sure you were and still are such a great match. He/she might be your first true love ever. They said they felt the same. Many times.

And they still decided to let you go. They must be so mistaken. In denial. Under someone else’s influence. Suffering and torn inside from all the feelings they still have for you.

You’re almost sure it’s only a matter of time until they see how mistaken they are and come running back to you. But time passes, weeks turn into months, and it’s still not happening.

What could you be missing?

Only the fact that they simply don’t care (enough) for you. They might love you. But not enough. Not more than their family. Or their career. Or their spouse. You are not important enough to them.

They feed you empty promises and sometimes call or text in a moment of desperation, or they ask to see you on a whim because “they need you”. Which only feeds your hope and longing, confirms they are still “thinking about you” and makes it harder to move on and find someone new. But no matter how good it feels to be someone’s emergency, desperation or booty call – you hurt because you know you want to be so much more to them.

You might even be romanticising the whole situation because you think the greater the obstacles – the greater the love. If everything is against us, and we still love each other so much, it must be the real thing, right?

Yes, in Shakespeare plays. Not in real life.

The greater the obstacle – that usually means if you surmount them, there will be more and greater obstacles ahead. If the family accepts you, it doesn’t mean they will like you and not try to turn you against each other. If the PhD or work takes most of your partner’s time, that means there’s not much time left for you two. If your partner leaves the spouse and picks you – your fairytale romance might still turn into a nightmare if they have to go through a bitter divorce and arguments over finances and children.

Problems and obstacles usually mean you’re really NOT meant to be together, rather than the opposite. You’re not meant to fight for love. The right person will have the right life situation and will readily welcome you in. They will put you in the first place. And make an effort to keep you there.

And if the problems are all on your (ex) partner’s side, and none on yours – you are willing, ready and available, that means only one thing: they are the one with a problem, not you. Don’t offer to fix it for them. They’ll never accept it any way.

They’ll come up with an excuse after excuse why it can’t be done, because – guess what, they really don’t want to be with you. Even if you had a magic wand and sorted their issues with one stroke, it’s still not sure that’s what they desire.

So leave it be. Say thank you for the great moments and walk away. Sure, there is a chance they might change their mind in the future. But what good is that “maybe” to you right now?

BEEN THERE YOURSELF?

Do you recognise yourself in this situation?
How did you deal with it (or still are)?

Thank you for reading, and commenting!

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61 Responses

  1. Ms Jones says:

    Hi Petra – Still wonder about my ex and why he strung me along and didn’t follow through. At least 50% of my exes reappear at some point later in my life and it has never been possible for me to give it another go. I suspect if he reappeared – as I had wished for so long – the same thing might happen.
    I do not know if I have written this previously, but to make sense of it all I have considered that he was a “visitor” in my life. This gives me some peace of mind. When the next one comes along I do not know, but at least I have moved him to the “back burner”. That’s a step for me.
    Thanks for your great articles!
    Ms. Jones:)

    • Petra says:

      I hear you – it’s hard to move on completely when you don’t understand why someone left. That’s why I am trying to give people more motivation, by getting them to understand that people who left and didn’t care enough, are simply not worth it.

  2. Magaret. says:

    Thank you so much. Your article has kept me moving because I just suffered from a heartbreak. I cried because it was so painful for me to innocently fall for a man who is engaged to a woman he already has a daughter with. He loved me so much and I loved him too but there was nothing he could do to resist the pressure of his parent who insisted he should get married to the mother of his child. I tried my best to make it work but it didn’t. I thought he was *Mr Right* cos he did not tell me all this while that he has a kid.
    They got married last week. Your article has helped me to realise the true fact about being in a relationship with whom you think is right for you and thereafter hurts you. I think I’m relieved a little bit now. God bless you.
    # Magaret<

  3. I heard someone say once that in spite of how idealistic and romantic the notion of love is, romantic love is to a degree ultimately constrained by logic. I don’t suppose everyone would agree but this made a lot of sense to me when I heard it. Love doesn’t always conquer all and overcome every obstacle like it tends to do in fiction. There can be limitations to the existence of love between two people. Sometimes it just doesn’t or can’t work out the way it should; there’s the old saying, “If it’s not meant to be it’s not meant to be.” Romantic love and attraction doesn’t always last forever as well. Things can change between two people. I’ll always keep this in mind whenever I enter into a romantic relationship but at the same time I will try to enjoy the experience.

    • Petra says:

      Yes, glad you mentioned it. There is a lot of logic and thinking in falling in love… even though we often don’t connect it because we are overwhelmed by feelings (+hormones), but we do choose who to fall in love with partially with our brains too.

  4. carla says:

    I just want to thank you for posting this, because it is something I am going through and it has really helped me put things into perspective. I was heartbroken, because I could not be with someone I love since we lived in different countries.

    I was about to book a ticket across the world to see him over Christmas break, but there would be days when he wanted me to come and days where he would say he is worried he would be too busy. I found myself waiting for his messages, because he would still tell me he misses me, but in the end he decided that it would not be right to bring me over for another heartbreak.

    I understand he is confused and worried about the future, because he is in a transitional stage of his life and is not ready to put in the necessary effort to make this work. I still think that because we have our history together, that he had good intentions in mind when he made that decision.

    I told him today to stop messaging me until he gets his shit together, because I don’t want to deal with his fickleness and I no longer want to live on an imaginary future together. That is just mental. Like you said earlier, the fact that he tried to keep contacting me is just a way for him to cover his bases and I deserve much better than being someone’s safety net.

    We were right for each other two months ago, but he is not right for me now or in the near future if nothing change. The hardest part is convincing myself that it is over, but your blog really helped me put this aside and slowly but surely move on. I’m glad I’ve tried as much as I had to make this work and was brave enough to put myself out there even though it meant getting my heart broken. I still believe that love and fate will work themselves out. For now, I’ll just shake it off…

    • Petra says:

      Thank you – really glad my advice has helped. I believe that love will happen if it’s meant to happen, and people will stay together if there is love on both sides. But if he’s not pulling his weight – well, there is an answer for you. A “maybe” in love is usually same as “no”, very rarely it turns into a “yes”. If he really wanted to spend time with you work and commitments wouldn’t be an excuse, he’d do whatever it takes to make as much time for you as possible. And he wouldn’t feel too tired to be around you. Long distance relationships are hard, it’s not easy to make them work as they are under much more strain than when you are close by, so both people have to be 100% sure they want to be together to overcome all the challenges. This is a good experience for you, it’s an opportunity to learn about yourself and what you need – the insights will come as you get over the pain and heartbreak. Knowing what doesn’t work and what we don’t want is often as valuable as knowing what we want. Wish you all my best!

  5. Love says:

    Hey, I have a story. I met this guy he thinks he’s a pimp but he is sweet so I Dont think it’ll last. But when I met him it was different, we were together for a year and a half and its been months since I’ve actually been with him, I love him till this day and I’ve saw him once to get something that belongs to me that he had. I fell in love with him the 3rd day I was with him. I wasn’t his hoe I asked to be his girl because I don’t like the lifestyle. We had a crazy relationship because he always battled between giving up that to be with me or being a full time pimp. When I first met him he asked me to marry him and when we broke up and got back together he asked me to marry him 5 more times. I feel like he belongs to me even though I left him. He has an emotional disorder I really think he is just young he Dont know what he want yet, but its like I get hot flashes every now and then when I think of him marrying someone else. I Dont want to lose him, I love him. But I was in denial about still loving him for a while. I Dont want to be with a pimp but I’ve seen his weak side and all I could think about is him giving in to someone else. I pray about him all the time, we been broke go I’ve dated other guys and I’ve still got on my knees and cried and prayed to god about my true feelings. Me and him been talking accidentally like his phone will butt dial me and then we’ll talk, the girl he’s around now his hoe but she text me from his phone saying all type of crazy rude stuff and he called apologized and talked to me all night. He has told me “I am the one he still loves” but I Never believe him cause he hates to go after something he loves, he’s afraid of rejection, so he rather girls choose him. I hate that but I love his soul I fell in love with that guy, IDC what he has, I just love him unconditionally, but then I feel like its starting to play a toll on me cause we Dont talk as much. We ended pretty bad lots of arguments but he never ended it, I just gave up. I have a friend who helped me leave him alone but this friend is married to someone I know and hopes to be with me one day but its like every time I bring him up, he says I’ll fail with him. I Dont know after all this time why I still feel like I love him. But I want him to be happy but with me. He is a money hungry person but he just never had real love to understand. Idk can u give me advice on my situation because im so confused. I do believe in fate! Sometimes people seperate for years and still end up together. 🙁 help this is my toughest situation. Now when I talk to him I hold back cause I know my feelings might over power things. All I know is that I love him. After all this time and its not that hard to get another guy to brainwash me but I just Dont think that’s the solution that’s why I pray.

    • Petra says:

      Hi. What a story. I am not sure this guy is good for you in any way, even if he wanted to be with you for real his lifestyle and life choices are very hard to live with. Plus he has emotional problems and insecurities which will inevitably create problems in your connection. All in all, a bunch of potential issues so I wonder why you even think he is good for you. I know sometimes the chemistry is stronger than logic, but I am sure you can find someone equally attractive who won’t be in such an emotionally turbulent and unsorted life situation. Definitely the biggest question for you here is what are you getting from him, can you see him being your husband and raising a family with you and living together? Are you willing to accept him with his job? Do you even approve of it? What kind of life and relationship you want? Once you understand what you truly want and need it will be easier to make that decision, and it won’t be so painful to let go (if you decide so). Let me know if you’d like to talk this through, just get in touch for a consultation.

  6. Tanya says:

    Hi, I am Tanya from India. I have a story. I was in a relationship with a guy for last 2 years. We met in a social networking site. It all started with a friend request. Initially, whenever he used to message me, I used to avoid him coz I was least interested on him. But, as time went, I found that the guy is not that bad and was really very serious for me, he used to love me more than anything else. So, I gradually started responding to his messages. Then after 4 months of chatting online, we exchanged our numbers. He proposed me soon and I replied him in positive only after being confirmed that he is a good person.

    This way started our romantic journey. Ours has always been long distance relationship but in this past 2 years he never let me feel that ours is long distance relationship. He loved me so much and cared for me, pampered me. I always felt the how lucky I am to get an angel.

    But, its just 5 days ago, he said that we need to separate as his parents are searching for a bride for him and he does not have courage to fight for me with his parents as he fears that his parents will be badly hurt if he tells them about our relationship.

    Although I knew from very beginning that some day, this may happen, as he told me several times before, that he belongs to a very conservative family and they may not accept our relationship as we belong to two different states of India. But, I stayed with him, continued loving him, caring for him, because I loved him truly and I knew that he too loved me the same way so come what may, but my love will never leave me and will take stand for me. I trusted him and only for that trust and my deep love for him, I stayed with him for such a long period despite of knowing the problems that will arise.

    But, today, when i need him the most, to my surprise, he is not even willing to give a try to convince his parents. He didn’t even tell his parents about our relationship. He said that he loves me a lot but cannot continue with me and very soon will be marrying the girl, his parents choose for him.

    I am completely broken, shattered. What can I do when the love of my love is not making any effort to keep me in his life. Don’t know, how do I come out of this situation as I love him so much and cant see him marrying someone else. Please Help me…….

    • Petra says:

      Dear Tanya. I know this must be extremely painful for you – but you knew this might happen from the start and you chose to ignore it. I know you hoped it will be different but that’s not enough. You should have talked this through before and communicated openly about your future. Being in a long distance relationship for 5 years is a long time to decide and communicate whether you have a future together. He doesn’t truly love you if he chose his family over you, and even if he chose you despite their will, it’s questionable whether you wouldn’t suffer in that marriage. His family would always be very important and they would make your life hard with their demands and decisions which are against your will. Your husband would be torn between you and them and it would always create problems between you.

      I would advise you to be more careful in the future, and maybe look for a guy who lives in your vicinity and either your families are compatible socially, or they are not so conservative and he can freely choose a partner he likes. I know it’s hard in societies like yours where family relationships are usually more important than individual feelings but you simply have to start choosing your partners more carefully. Wish you all my best and hope you’ll be strong!

  7. Christina says:

    Hi there
    My ex and I just broke up a week ago and it’s been quite difficult. We’ve been doing distance as I am still in college and he’s joining the army in January. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and I am convinced he is the love of my life. We have a great relationship. The only issue is that we fight over petty things. Mainly I start them but they usually divulge Into something bigger because my ex usually never agrees with my opinions or feelings and makes me feel badly for ever feeling a certain way. Granted my feelings may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but at the moment in time whatever I am feeling is valid. Yet somehow he’d change the situation and id exit the argument apologizing. This has been our biggest issue. Reflecting with time I can see that maybe he struggled taking responsibility or ever admitting that something he did is wrong. If he doesn’t agree, he will refuse to ever say otherwise or act otherwise. It’s been a difficult path. We recently got into another argument that became a huge war. He decided we couldn’t continue this any further because of the timing and that perhaps we could be again in the future but that for the time being it just wasn’t working as we fought too much and he has a lot on his plate with his next endeavors. I fought for him. I tried to make him see that things would change. But he rejected every offer. It killed me. He loves me. He doesn’t want to be without me and he’s terrified of losing me, yet he threw me away. He watched me cry my eyes out and still managed to walk away. Walk away from someone he saw himself marrying. It breaks my heart more and more each day realizing someone I loved so deeply and who seemingly loved me too could so easily throw something so good away. I treated him with love and respect. I was a great friend and a support. But time has dictated that he just didn’t have room for me in his life no matter how hard I tried to fit in. And that is the sad realizTion. I keep hoping he’ll come back and realize he misses me and realize he doesn’t want to be without me and that his love for me is more triumphant than the distance and that I mean enough to him to stay, but he hasn’t. And even coming to that realization, I still hold on to the hope that he will come back around. It’s a sad and lonely outlook. I just can’t seem to let him go.

    • peter says:

      its been 10 months since you posted this, what did happen??

      and im in a very VERY similar situation, im even surprised i swear, 2 years in a relationship, stupid fights but in this case im the guy and my now ex is at some point as your ex boy….she blames me for things and doesnt take responsibility for her actions, one day she loves me the next day she tells me she is not sure she want to be with me in her future, I didnt fit in her life and she is joining the navy or at least going to take the test….
      anyways thats about it, but shes very immature at some point.

      i hope everything is good in your life and i would like to know the outcome, right now i feel kind of weird because she was very close to me or at least that how i saw things.

  8. Jo says:

    Hello, wow I identify myself so much with this article…

    We met in Lisbon on St. Patrick’s day, I am 22 And he’s 23. I was dancing in an irish pub with my friends And my hair got caught at least three times in his hostel’s key. After that we started talking…we walked through Lisbon And we talked for hours, just the two of us…And then it was time to say goodbye. I had classe in the morning And he had to go back to canada…

    Oh yes. I am portuguese And he’s canadian.

    After he went away we carried on talking through facebook And skype. We talked about everything. We like the same kind of music, we have the same type of humour And we liked each other.

    One day he told me. I want to be with you. I am going to book a ticket to Lisbon. And he did…someone flew across the ocean to be with me. Not only that but we went to Ireland together.

    Everything seemed so perfect. He was here for two weeks, we had the most amazing time. But then he went away…

    Last words he said to me. I’ll miss you.
    Now, it’s been almost two months since he went away And we stopped talking. Because we (he) figures…we can’t be together right now so we better move on with our lives…we can’t be constantly hooked on a cellphone or the promise we probably, eventually be together again.

    Although i understand this. Our story was so beautiful. But I am afraid I fell in love to quickly And expected too much from him.

    Apparently north american guys get scared easily.

    In my mind i know he’s right but i am So scared i’ll never get over him And i’ll never have a night as magical as this one ever again.

    I am so sad. we made sense. And now it hurts to think that he might be doing the same things he did with me with another girl, it just hurts.

    I am still in love with him. He was the first guy I’ve ever really liked. And i said that to him. And he said it back. I am so confused.

    • Petra says:

      Well, I’d say he did the mature thing – you had something great, but he realised it will be hard to keep long distance so he decided to break it off and give you both a chance to meet someone new. I know it’s not a romantic thing to do, but it is the most logical one. Long distance relationships are a pain to maintain. Just think about the time difference – let alone everything else. It would soon cool off any way, if you couldn’t come up with plans to be together in one place.

      I know it hurts and you are sad it started with such promise and ended so abruptly. But trust me you will find someone great again. You have it in you, and it’s not reserved for just one guy who lives across the world. Life isn’t that cruel to match you up with one guy and one guy only who lives on the other side of the world. Rather than thinking what you lost – try to think what you discovered, and gained: you now know great connection is possible for you, and you know you can meet someone who will make your heart melt… isn’t that a wonderful revelation?

      Love is magical, and sometimes we meet someone only for a brief period of time, and something wonderful happens between us. But it doesn’t mean it has to last a lifetime. Sometimes we just have these experiences of great connection only to realise we are capable of it, we are capable of loving and being loved.

  9. magic says:

    Hi thank you for this article. I am actually torn if I should let the person I love go. She said that we had the right love at the wrong time, she had these fleeting feelings for me that’s why she insisted on stopping our relationship. We are living in the same dormitory and I dunno if I should ask her to leave the dorm so I can totally move on. She said that she still wanted to be friends with me but I don’t think it would be that easy because she broke my heart. She said that she stopped our relationship because she wanted to recharhe herself and be the best partner to me but not NOW. She also told me that she likes someone now but she still don’t want to lose me.

    Our situation is complicated but she is more. I asked her to reflect on her feelings. Why the hell she asked me to broke up with her ‘coz she can’t be the best for me and yet she likes someone new now? I still don’t get it.

    By the way, she’s a bestfriend of mine and it sucks to fall in love for a friend.

    • Petra says:

      Hi there. Sorry for a bit of a wait for my response.

      I’d say she isn’t into you but she’d like to keep you as backup. Why? Only she knows. It would be easier if you just stop being friends at least for a while, if she’s a real friend she’ll wait until you sort out your feelings for her and won’t make an issue out of that.

  10. Eric Li says:

    Petra – Thank you so much for this article! It really has helped me tremendously!
    I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years and he has strung me along all this time. The article described him to a T. We are perfect and I’m holding on but the reality is that he doesn’t care enough for me. He’s priorities lie in his job and friends but he would keep me going by saying he doesn’t understand his feelings and there was always something up.

    We have broken up now and he still tries to call me in moments of desperation to try get me back. I closed that door on him and am ready to move on but it hurt so much to not know why. I think I knew but found it hard not to hear it from him.

    Reading your article has lifted a whole weight off my shoulders, so thank you very much! and now I look forward to moving on with better understanding.

    Cheers! 😉

    • Petra says:

      Thank you for this great feedback. Much appreciated! Be strong and move on, you don’t really need to date people who treat you badly and don’t care. That’s not love.

  11. Delilah says:

    Petra – I am thoroughly enjoying reading your articles and responses. Here is my story. I was married for 18 years and have an 8 year old son from that marriage. I suspected infidelity on my then husband’s part for many years, and then discovered that he had been frequenting escorts for the better part of our union. I had never cheated on him ever. Last January (2014) I signed up on Ashley Madion.com. after several months, I actually responded to a man and we corresponded for a while. When we met, we both knew it was more than an “affair”. We did fall madly in love with each other and have always looked at each other as the male/female counterpart of each other. Our first meeting was in May 2014, and he implemented a plan for us to both divorce our spouses and move in together. On Sept 12th, we both filed for divorce (and he funded my divorce) and left my home and we moved into an apartment together. Neither of us have ever been in love like this before (I am 44 years old, he is 51). He truly is my soulmate, and I am his. He asked me to marry him Christmas 2014. I lied to him about something very important – I am a recovering pill addict and was not using when we met. I told him this, so he was aware of it. His soon to be exwife was diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2014, and he felt he needed to at least care for her during this time. He left our home and moved back to care for her. This was devastating to me and I resumed the pills 2 days after he left. He ended up moving back with me in 7 days because he realized he could not live without me. So…it is now middle of February. He found out that I was using again and up and left. He says he loves me, but cannot be with me because of the lies and the pills. While I respect his decision, it is haunting me. I am going to meetings and taking care of me, but there is a hole in my heart so big! I know I need to work on myself and grow from this, but it is almost unbearable. Any advice would be tremendous.

    • Petra says:

      You have to resolve this with him. Maybe he just got overwhelmed by his ex-wife’s disease and ran away from potential issues with you (he could end up caring for you as well, which probably isn’t what he envisioned for himself). He might have fallen out of love because he saw you in a different light and now he’s disappointed in you. He might just need some space and time. If it’s the real thing – and you both still feel it – you should be able to talk through it and agree on some way forward which won’t break you up. Just be honest and open and don’t lie to him any more. The only way to preserve and strenghten relationships long term is to be honest with your partner. So don’t weigh your words in fear you’ll drive him away. If he decides to leave, it’s his choice – not your mistake. Maybe he was just a catalyst for you to finally get out of your dysfunctional marriage, which means your relationship wasn’t meant to be any way. In either case, please try to bear in mind – in the future – that lies on either side (either lying or living in a lie/tolerating it) is not the way to have happy relationships and marriages.

  12. Caren says:

    I was unhappy in my marriage of 16 years and by chance bumped into an old boyfriend from 20years ago (who at the time I was very much in love with but he cheated on me). I started seeing him and the affair developed, he was the first to say he was in love with me and talk about a future for us and it was all very intense. This resulted in my husband and I splitting (amicably) and him splitting from his long term relationship with a view to us trying to build a future together (living separately). The first few months with the new man was great, however he kept going on about spending too much time together and messaging too much. Other things happened and I had enough, I told him that I couldn’t go on being treated badly by him even though I loved him and wanted a future, so I ended it. Within a week he was seeing something else (casually rather than a relationship) which hurt like mad as I saw him out with her when I was out with my friends. We have had no contact but he messaged me yesterday, we met up and ended up in sleeping together. Sex was a massive part of our relationship, as we both had that connection that we never had with any other partner and we both miss it. We also talked and he said (about meeting other women) that he just needed to fill the void with other women and it helped his self esteem/self worth. He also said that although his feelings for me hadn’t changed he couldn’t give me the relationship I want and needed to be single and see other women for a bit to help his self esteem. He couldn’t put a time on this but said he needed it. I am trying my best to be the positive, outgoing person I was before he ran me into the ground, but its hard as I still love him. Our sex life was amazing, and I am considering seeing him occasionally just for that reason. Am I being delusional? Will he ever be ready? or is it better to walk away now even though my hearts breaking. I am 43 and scared that I wont fine the same connection again.

    • Petra says:

      It is a bit tricky for you to have just a casual sexual relationship, because you are in love with this man. As long as you keep doing it, you’ll probably maintain if not deepen your emotional attachment to him. It will be hard for you to separate the two, and you will always be hoping for more than he wants to give you. If his feelings stay the same – over time you will get exhausted, frustrated and will start to resent him. Sex will become worse, or – simply not enough. He, however, seems to be happy with just sex – and he says he needs attention from women to feel good about himself. If you stick around, you’ll get the occasional thrill mixed with pain, jealousy, heartbreak. It will be fun, it will be painful. Maybe he’ll change his mind and find that you’re the one for him, but there is a slim chance for that. He will still be getting exactly what he wants from you, when he wants it – so there is no motivation for him to change, no feeling of loss, no consequences if he doesn’t.

      Will he ever be ready to be monogamous? Nobody knows, not even him. If he does change, it will most likely take years. And it may very well be for someone new, someone he just met – a woman who won’t put up with his messing around, not the one who’s patiently waited and tolerated his insecurities for years. He cheated on you when you first dated, he still wants to date multiple women at once – 20 years passed since, and he hasn’t changed his mode of operation. That’s not a good sign. He hasn’t worked on his issues, maybe he doesn’t even think he has any? People change only if they want to. And waiting for someone to deal with their issues is a waste of time. You can always take him back if he comes back at some point in the future. But there is no reason for you to sit and wait for that to happen.

      The fact you have incredible sex doesn’t mean a thing when it comes to living together, sharing responsibilities, being real, dealing with life day to day. The excitement is still there simply because you can’t have him, because you get him in rare rations. That’s what makes it so incredibly exciting, the wait, the buildup, the craving between your encounters. If you actually lived with him, spent every night in the same bed – the crazy chemistry would fade away, sooner or later. So don’t get so attached to the sex part, because that is what makes you think he is the one.

      Your other option is to break away, grieve, pull yourself together – and look for a man who wants you for real. You will have amazing sex with the man you love who loves you back. That type of connection is always more magical than one where hormones rule and there is nothing else to hold onto. You had an unhappy marriage, now you’re in an unhappy casual relationship, maybe it’s time to break that pattern.

      Do get in touch if you’d like to discuss more and deeper (via email, or Coaching/Contact pages).

  13. Caren says:

    Thank you so much that makes so much sense. I actually messaged him a couple if days ago saying I loved out time together but it was time for goodbye and closure, I wished him happiness and said I loved him. I feel better for doing this, even though I still want him and my hearts still breaking. Like you say I just need to get over him, build myself back up and find someone else. Thank you again x

  14. Caren says:

    I am not dealing with this too well at the moment. Further to my previous posting, I realised that Pete was a crap boyfriend and he is now dating someone else. We did met up again recently, had sex but then I ended it for a second time. However I realised that although he isn’t boyfriend material I enjoyed his company and our sexual connection so I’ve started a a friends with benefits relationship with him. When I’m with him it’s great, and I really don’t feel I want to get back with him, I just want the sex, contact and him. However, having never been a jealous person, I find myself getting so upset that he has someone else. I truly don’t want him as a boyfriend but clearly still have feelings. Do I try and cut him out again or do I continue wth the casual contact that gives me pleasure until o can get him out of my system? I’m fed up feeling crap about this.

    • Petra says:

      You could go either way. If you cut him out, you will get over him quicker. But if you feel you can’t do that because you really want to see him and you enjoy the sex – then do it until you’re fed up. If it’s not the type of relationship you want, you will get him out of your system eventually.

  15. Erin says:

    I am going through the same thing but with the roles reversed. I am the one that broke it off and its the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. I’m not saying in any way he is perfect or that our relationship was perfect but I love him for who he is unconditionally and without judgement. But I suffer from depression and I was put in the hospital for a short time for treatment. My daughter was placed with a woman I had considered a close family friend. She had some not very nice words concerning me with my boyfriend, who was my biggest and ultimately my only support, while I was hospitalized. He got defensive and protective over me and she got angry. The next thing I know CPS is at the hospital. They were keeping my daughter from coming home due to reports of my mental stability and that my daughter, who was 3 at the time, told my “friend” that my boyfriend ” beat her ass”. My daughter doesn’t know those words and I know this never happened. He was never alone with her where this could have happened without my knowledge. She called him daddy all on her own and she adored him. Cps or the therapists never heard my daughter say any of this. So nothing ever came of that part. But my ” friend” would lie to the workers and manipulate the therapists into believing it was in my daughter’s best interest to stay with her even though I had gone above and beyond everything asked of me. It took a year and a half of heart breaking visits, court dates, and unbelievable stress before she finally got to come home. My boyfriend stood by my side the entire time. Going through his own heartbreak because his ” pinky purple” ( she would only wear pink or purple for awhile) was now afraid of him. She had been brainwashed against him for a year and a half. So when it was getting close to her return I had to tell him goodbye. How could I bring someone around her that she thinks is a bad guy? Even though everyone knows it’s not true. In her little mind it is. I’m so happy this nightmare is finally over. But my heart is broken all over again. I miss him so much and I will never get over him.

    • Petra says:

      So sorry you had to go through this. Maybe there is a way to re-connect? Why would your child believe he is a bad guy if he never did anything bad to her? Maybe you just need some time to get things back to normal, give it time and see how it goes. All my best.

  16. Aquiala says:

    Thank you so much. I’m not going to get into my story but you pretty much hit the nail on the head. My worth is priceless and I refuse to keep giving it away for free. God bless you!

  17. Chris Herring says:

    I’ve never been in this situation before, I feel lost. Me and my fiancee have been together for five years but her family hates me, I don’t know why but they do. She never defends me even when they are wrong, she just lets it slide and says tthere is nothing she can do to stop or help it. It’s really wore me out emotionally and im not the man I use to be. I feel degraded and empty,sometimes I Iwonder if the pain is to much, man it hurts.

    • Petra says:

      Your fiancee can do something about it, but she chooses not to say anything – to please or avoid conflict with her family. But she can at least try and talk to them and demand they start treating you better. She can communicate to them that you are her choice, and if they don’t like her choice of partner, that affects her happiness too. Their choice is to not accept you, but her choice is to shield you from bullying. If she doesn’t see her responsibility in that dynamic, I see that as a big issue in your relationship. You are not marrying her family, but your marriage will be very much affected by them. You should both be very much aware of that and address that problem before you tie the knot and have kids.

  18. sunni says:

    Hi Petra, im in a kind of dilemma and its quite a complex love story i have, i was hoping you could give me some insight into this.
    So im 18 years old & the guy im with is 21.
    We had been seeing eachother in secret for around 2 years until recently 2 months ago my parents had found out about us. Since my family is a very conservative family & dead set against boyfriends & sex until marriage sp when they found out about me & him they took away everything from me for example not letting me go to university & including any contact with him. They spoke to him & asked him if he was serious about me & wanted to marry me in the future to which he said yes to & boldly told his parents about us too. His parents had said they wanted him to finish off university and get a job so he can provide for me & him in the future. My parents agreed to that and said to him to contact my dad in a few years when he’s has his life on track. Only then it shows he’s waited for me. My mum is still very angry about all of this and calls me all sorts. Im scared she won’t like him or his family for everything she found out about. However my dad is being supportive and said to me that he will do everything he can to make sure me & him can be together in the future, but for now wants me to focus on getting a job myself & focus on my religion.
    As ive said before they do not want me to have any contact with him however i have been secretly emailing with him for 2 months. Its so difficult because we don’t know when we will even meet again.
    He said he’s going to wait for me, to my parents too & has kept my dads number too. Im just worried because is a relationship really supposed to be this hard? & even though he said he’ll wait for me i dont even know if his parents will like me enough to be able to get married to him in the future or if my mum will ever accept him. I’m a muslim & so is he & in our religion we cannot get married without both our parents blessing.
    I don’t know what to do as i love him very dearly. Please give me some insight into this. Is it right for us to wait for eachother?

  19. sunni says:

    Hi Petra, im not sure if my previous message sent to you but it’s not showing up to me.
    Anyway i’ll repost.
    So im 18 & the guy im with is 21 years old.
    We had been seeing eachother (long distance) for 2 years secretly until 2 months ago my parents had found out about us. Being the conservative and religious people they are, they took away everything from me including my social life & any contact with him, aswell as stopping my chance to go to uni. Its been very tough.
    My parents had spoken to him to know what his intentions were for me and he said he did want to marry me in the future. He had then had a talk with his parents and they said they wanted him to wait until he atleast got a job and finished university so he could provide for himself atleast & then for me. My parents agreed to it kind of & said to contact my dad in a few years when he’s settled but for now they want him to have no contact with me to which he said it was fair and he would respect my parents wishes. My mum was not happy with this at all & she’s called me all sorts as they are against sex until marriage too. She is angry still however my dad has been supportive and has said he will try his best to make sure we can be together in the future but for now i cannot have any contact with him & should concentrate on my religion & faith & getting a job for myself. They do not trust me in the slightest i don’t even have a phone and have limited time on the laptop.
    As i’ve said i cannot have any contact with him, we are secretly emailing eachother to know the other is well and because we miss eachother alot.
    i just need some insight into this Petra i was hoping you could give me your perspective on this.
    Hes said to me & my parents he’s serious about me & will wait for me as long as it takes & i do believe him, But im scared about the future because even if we do wait im still uncertain if his parents will even like me enough to let him marry me or if my mum will ever accept us.
    I’m just not sure if all these obstacles in our way will ever help us have an easy future together if there even is one!
    i love him very dearly but i’m not sure what is best to do in this situation as i do want to marry him one day.
    Since we’re both muslims too, we cannot marry without our parents blessings as it guarantees for a not so successful marriage life together.
    please give me some advice. thank you.

  20. Val says:

    Good Evening, this is my first time at this website, and I must say that this article is directly towards what I had faced. I would like to share.I am the guy with the PhD and she’s the one with a M.D.. When we were finishing our BS we were strong together and I had personally wished that she would reach her goals. I on my behalf made the error of sabotaging the relationship. I at the moment was broke, without a job and finishing my BS degree. Her next step was to go to med school yet I wanted to marry her, but I saw her aspiration and placed that before us. Despite how much I loved her and still after seven yrs of our break up, I still have had feelings toward her. Her happiness was what I wanted. So in two occasions I broke off the relationship, why at that moment I felt I had nothing to offer her. Yet even when I attempted to retract the second break up at the moment I opened my mouth. She broke off the relationship. In repent and in moment of clarity I wished for her forgiveness and have a last chance. She just said lets be friends. I recall that our first break up it tore both of us. So two weeks later I ended up going to her house and feel unwelcomed by her father. (at that moment she wasn’t there) I get back home after a two hour trip and receive a voice mail stating that she doesn’t want to know of me anymore. What happened was a mystery, I quote she had mentioned that her father had just told her what had happened. I left it there, weeks later I tried contacting her and nothing, weeks became months and now it has been seven yrs that we have been separated. Life has brought me many lessons, about life, death, illness, poverty and triumphs, hope aspirations and the blessing to have made difference in the lives that as in my profession have helped. It is hard waiting, the is no definition of time, just hope and love because we only live once and life has a tendency to make us learn and grow from our mistakes. If it was by me, personally my choices would have been different. But there is something better than living in the past and it is gratitude. We live our lives wondering whom we are, and we see that every choice we make we are creating a difference not only in our own lives but those around us. What if… It is beautiful… But our reality it is what has helped us reach our goals. I thank God, the universe or the opportunity to have been with her even if our goals, made us differ our directions I. Our life. She is married, she has finished her education and achieved what I wished for her to reach. My loss is the gain of those whom are with her, around her, those whom she has helped in their time of illness. And if I would have the opportunity to be with her I would. I loved her even if she won’t. And if I had a chance to have been together I would take it. She will always be my first love. But it is painful living in past. Enjoy the present, work with your past, have closure and know that those moment that you live are precious and worth living.

  21. Val says:

    I can not deny that I miss her and after various attempts have tried to have closure. Now when my life more at ease, the cognitive thoughts have been present. That during these last two years I have had repetive dreams of searching for her. Five days ago my last dream had made a toll on me, making me sober and mourn because in my dream I had,dreamt that after searching for her I found her and came to help her. At the end of my dream I looked deep into her eyes and expressed my feelings. She responded and said that she also loved me and wanted to be with me but she was in process of leaving her husband and that she was confused. When I woke up, I began to cry and ever since that day I have been sad, wishing and hoping. What made thus event to be even more impressive is that on that same day my mother called me and told me about a similar dream in which an ex of mine wanted to meet me because she was under separation. She was unable to tell me whom. Coincidence, possibly. Is,there something that is trying to reach us and make of self aware that the impossible may be possible. I may only leave time to tell. But I am aware that she is married and I let her know about this dream in an email. I told her my feelings and only time, circumstance and hope make a difference in both of our lives. This has left me wondering can soul mates exist? Could we possibly have a chance? Can the impossible be possible? Are we meant to be together…is it possible?

    • Petra says:

      I would say there are people we have a special connection with, but there is never only one. She moved on long time ago, that is a sign too – that maybe you should do the same. You spent enough of your life living in the past and ‘what ifs’. Take care.

  22. Amanda moen says:

    Hi this fits my situation some what I’m curiots on your take. I devorce my husband 2 times in less then a year. We were married for 10 years have 2 boys 6 and 9 and 16 step son. We have been in and out of substance abuse we abused for 2 Years and lost everything. My long lost love who I was with from 13 to 19 message me I have always had this person on my mind to the point that my husband new the feelings I had for him. So I decided to push forward a devorce and moved me and 2 kids in with the new guy. I am now pregnant with his kid and have left for the 3rd time back to my husband to fix everything I did wrong or because of guilt that he wasn’t seeing his kids which I know is his lack of effort but still feel responsible wanting them to have him in there life. I want the new baby to have his dad also but for him and fir me we love each other so deeply he has decided he wants to walk away and not be in this baby’s life to give the marriage a chance and so he can move on. I still love him so much and don’t want to let go of us. It feels at this point my ex husband my best friend I don’t have the same feelings or really with all our struggles baby home less no job is so stress ful not to mention the 2 Years of substance abuse that left emotional baggage I’m really just numb. And so devistating by losing the new guy and the devistating I’ve caused them both over and over. So it’s not that I don’t care enough bit what can I do to be sure I’m making the right choice?

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know what would be the right choice for you, your situation seems really complex and messy. I don’t think the choice of man here is that important, what’s more important is for you to get back on your feet and get your life in order. Substance abuse is definitely an issue. Please get help with that part first, get clean – after that you will most likely have a much better idea what you want to do with your life and who you want in it. And what would be best for your kids too. Wish you all my best.

  23. peter says:

    my girlfriend and I been together for almost 2 years, and we have known each other for almost 4… it hasnt been easy but we love each other pretty much, we used to live in the same city, then i hat to travel to florida, she went for a couple of weeks to los angeles and afterwards we had some big plans about going to NY, and being there…
    because i just finished college and she is about to start it..
    but well, now happens that she isnt going to ny cuz her family wants her in Florida cuz an aunt has this great opportunity for her to study at a private school and the thing she’s always wanted to, more comfortable and a job, so yeah, technically a better life and education for her and she said yes.
    she says she loves me and she will do everything to make it work and stay in this beautiful relationship we have built..
    I dont even know anymore if i want to go to NY, i would like to go to florida but i dont wanna do it for her, cuz that aint right..
    she told me that she doesnt want me to do that because of her, she doesnt want to force me to it, and that i gotta focus on my career and my future as well, she also told me that she wanna make things right for us, for our relationship and for our future.
    Besides all the insecurities this will cause, like her meeting some other guy and liking someone else or feeling lonely and tempted to do stuff with someone else since im not around….damn, what i mean is, this is going to be tough, judging by what she told me she truly loves me and shes going to try, but at the same time she doesnt want to put her future in danger cuz of a “boyfriend”….what do u think?
    i dont know what to do honestly, if i move to florida and we end up breaking up is going to be pretty tough for me, if i go to ny as planned and long distance cool things off im going to suffer cuz from my end things wouldnt cool off…..
    damn, i think we were meant to be but our times together are not right anymore, idk… im pretty sad cuz i really love her and want a future with her
    shes not that sad, shes sad cuz she wont see me for some more time but shes excited cuz of the opportunities shes getting now…

    can you give me some advice?

    • Petra says:

      You say you don’t want to move to Florida for her because that “isn’t right”. I don’t think it isn’t right per se, it’s just a question of your priorities. If your priority is your relationship – you’ll both want to make other decisions based on your desire to be together. If your priorities are elsewhere, your relationship comes second. There is no middle way – if you want to maximise the chances to keep your relationship, one of you needs to suck it up and move to the other. If you think it’s more important to advance your respective career and education opportunities – and that means you’ll have to live in different states, then you have to be aware of the fact you put your personal interests in front of your relationship success. It might still work when you live far from each other – but long distance relationships are in general harder to maintain and there will be more challenges. In the long run, the decisions you make only reflect what’s most important to you (and her). Nothing more. That’s how you should approach this decision – what’s most important to each of you at this point in life? It’s OK to admit you love is not that high on the agenda, and it’s OK to not be sure if this love is “it” – just be honest to each other about it and – see how it goes. It might work out, it might not, but if one of you sacrifices their career future for you to stay in the same place, that could be even worse for your relationship than living apart for a period of time – if the person who made the ‘sacrifice’ ends up resenting their decision.

  24. Tim says:

    Petra, I am on the fence about this article, but it has at least inspired me to tell you my story and hope that you can give me your opinion. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 5 months now. It started out as a social media friendship that spawned into long talks on the phone almost every night for the first couple of months. There was an obvious connection that turned to feelings of love. When we finally agreed to meet in person, it was everything that we had both hoped it would be. She is the woman that I have been searching my whole life for. The problem is that there is a significant age difference between us.

    She has always been attracted to older men and has had a of couple older boyfriends (all older than me and all in secret). So even though some of her friends, and mine, know about us and our age difference, the only ones that really matter right now are her parents. She just started at university and is worried that her parents will think she is making poor choices and throwing away her education and future by having a boyfriend who is so much older. She’s also concerned that her parents will stop paying for her school or pull her out of school and make her come home to save her from herself. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I always ensure that she puts school first. I help her with studies. I keep her focused on what she is at school for in the first place. The amazing thing is that she does so much for me. She has taught me how to open up about my feelings and to speak my mind. She loves me more than anyone has ever loved me in my entire life. And she has made me fall in love harder than I ever have in my entire life as well. She is my everything and I am hers.

    Also, she wishes that I could be there to cuddle her at school when she’s hanging out with her friends or go to parties with her. She wants to not worry about what her friends and peers think when they see us together. I live very close to her school now and pick her up almost every night so we can spend time together, cuddle, eat dinner, etc. at my place. She goes to parties with her friends and I always pick her up afterwards and make sure she is safe and comfortable as she recovers from her evening’s events. We spend every possible minute together and can’t imagine what life would be like without each other. But the concerns over how family, friends, and peers see us and how they respond to us is a big issue right now.

    Neither one of us know if we get through the day without each other, but know that this is just a bad time for us to be together because of where she is with school and how her parents see her as a new college student who has just left the protection of home and is prone to life changing mistakes. We both agreed that if we could go our separate ways for 3-4 years and get back together, that would be ideal. But anything could happen in those years and it scares the hell out of both of that when that time comes, one of us may have moved on and the other will be left empty and heartbroken.

    So do we fight to stay together for the next 3-4 years where we know it will be rough going because her goals and my goals over the next few years don’t line up, knowing that eventually they will? Or do we risk the separation and hope we end up back together sometime down the road?

    • Petra says:

      You mention the big age gap, but you didn’t say how old is she and how old are you, which would be helpful to get the full picture. I do believe love knows no age boundaries and things can work out with large age gaps (it’s hard to define what’s a large age gap, but I believe the older the partners, the less relevant the age difference – so 5 years can be a huge gap too if you’re for example 16 and 21, but 10 or 15 years don’t matter in your 30s or 40s and later, and even 25-year or bigger gap can be completely fine later in life). Age is mostly an issue if you are in different life stages – for example one of you wants to party non-stop and the other wants to settle down and have kids. But we are all different so sometimes our interests don’t necessarily reflect our age. However, dating far outside of your age group is not the norm and anything that is not a standard, society usually frowns upon. In your case it seems you are quite compatible and happy together but you are worried about what others will think. There is no right or wrong answer here. You can take your chances and ‘come out’, and deal with the consequences. You can break up and hope you’ll still both want to be together in a few years’ time when it will be more ‘acceptable’. Or you can stay together and hide it and see how it goes. Every decision will have consequences. The question is: which ones are the easiest for you to face? I can’t make that decision for you. You need to weigh the pros and cons of every option, do it – and see what happens. Ultimately it’s a test of how strong your love is – I am sure if it’s strong enough you’ll find a way to be together now or in the future. Take care.

  25. Suzan says:

    I’m glad i came across your article as it is exactly what i’m currently going through.

    My boyfriend of 3 years and I just broke up recently and it feels impossible to move on. We were madly in love and when we wanted to get serious our families did not get along. My dad did not see him as the right man for me and was really against our marriage since he was 9 years older than me. We fought really hard trying to work it out but withno results. Sometimes i feel i did not fight enough for him and it really hurts that i think i lost the man of my dreams.
    My ex moved out of the country, so we decided to break our relationship off since there is no future. he told me he cant think with his heart anymore and moved on to another girl exactly after a week of our breakup. I want nothing but happiness for him but it just kills me to see him happy with someone else that fast like we never existed. I am trying to move on but i really miss him, us.

    • Petra says:

      I know it’s tough, but take it day by day. The pain will go away. Don’t envy his “happiness”. His heart is broken too, or he was over you already. In either case, no need to think he is somehow luckier than you just because he started dating immediately after your break up. It could be he wants to numb the pain by jumping into a rebound relationship. It could be he’s just not very mature emotionally, in which case you’re really better off without him. You will find love again, and you’ll see then why this hasn’t worked out. If it was true love, you’d find a way to stay together despite the odds.

  26. peter says:

    my girlfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago, she was mad at something i did but yesterday called me explain and talk peacefully and end it on good terms.

    We have known each other for about 4 years, in a relationship for 2, i had to leave the country for one month and shortly after i left she left the country too, we had some plans for the future like living in the same city etc etc, but then she her family gave her options and she’s now considering enlisting a military branch, to work, get pay and to get paid for college.
    at first she was faithful and told me how much she loved me and how bad she is going to try hard to make things work, then she started fading away and didnt put much effort on talking to me, (3 hours difference in timezone) and according to her she was always busy with her fam and when she got home i was asleep, she knew (but never hit me up for nothing)
    shortly i got back home i when to her parent’s and we were talking about her decision and i told her i support her decision but im not 100% sure about it anyways, her partents didnt support her and are not sure, but somehow she got mad at me for talking to them about it and well, she dumped me over that thing .__. ….

    after we spoke she told me that she was thinking a lot about our relationship and everything and she was mad at that time but now came to the conclusion that it wouldnt work because we are not built for a long distance relationship, she has never been a fan of those and my either and i had my doubts on the first place but was willing to try it, but since she took her navy thing i got tougher to figure ourselves together, cuz sailors are moved always far away and jumping in and out of states and even the country, i think i couldnt handle a relationship like that to be honest…

    she gave me her reasons and i told her that i agreed, she told me that she felt weird about it and its like shes losing a part of her but she accepts she has to let go of me, i told her that i felt kind of better and more relaxed to let her go because of the tension that our relationship had already, i was tired and my energy got drained, but that didnt mean i wasnt sad…
    she asked me if i hated her and i said no, she wanted to remain friends and to talk everynow and then, she didnt want to lose contact with me, at first i said yes but shortly after i changed my mind and called her and said that i needed some time and space without contacting her because i was the hurt party here, and i wanted to move on and to detox from all of that tension, she didnt seem happy with that but she told me she respected my decision and understands it.

    but for the way she talked it didnt seem like it hurt her to let go of me, but she said she still loved and it wouldnt fade away that easily because im very special for her,

    im talking to much here, but what do you think Petra? i dont understand this weird behavior, and shes not too mature emotionally speaking, do you think that with the no contact thing im pulling off right now she might end up regretting it? i think im giving me false hope with that and i cant quiet accept with broke up, a weird thing is that she mentioned that she hopes i get someone more mature and not so emotionally driven like her, (maybe she stopped loving me a long time ago and just didnt realize it), but she told me that if we were on the same city we would be together, but she doesnt want us on a LDR.

    • Petra says:

      Just read this – we’ll talk in our consultation.

      • peter says:

        after we talked i was motivated to cut the contact with her, but now i feel such a big urge to talk to her, I cant stop thinking about everything that happened and how things were so perfect and all of a sudden they went downhill. I accept that she’s no good for me with that mind state and attitude, I know I deserve better and I can’t wait to get over it but I dont know if ima stop loving her because she just meant that much to me, from going to her house, talking to her grandpas, going out with them, my mom accepting her at my house even tho she was a minor. The memories are cruel.

        Im going to be strong and not talk to her or to look for a silly excuse to do it, Im in the process of accepting that maybe she wasnt as into me as she told me she was, that i wasnt in her plans anyways, that maybe she doesnt even care about how she made me feel, its a tough process and im trying to bring her down the pedestal i put her in, but for now one thing is true, I love her.

        Some say the strongest negotiating position is to walk away and mean it, thats why if she contacts me some time i will tell her that our friendship is not something i want, because i love her and all i want to be is her boyfriend, nothing less nothing more, so ima tell her to hit me up if she changes her mind. Worst case scenario is she leaving that big ego of hers and asking me to get back to her, I’m calling it worst case becase I dont even know how it would workout after the mess she did with our relationship or if she would even try to be a real girlfriend lol.

        For now is no contact and bite my tongue, but i miss her too freaking much and every place i go it reminds me of her :c .

  27. Carl says:

    Well when i was growing up i myself thought that i was going to meet the right woman to get married and have a family which never happened, and then i said to myself that God must be punishing me which i will never understand why. And when i see so many very extremely lucky couples together with their families, it upsets me very much. Why in the world would God punish us with no love life at all? With the type of women that are out there nowadays, i beginning to wonder why since it is no fault of mine at all. Since most of the women were a lot different years ago, it made it very easy for our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles that really had no trouble at all finding each other which today is a totally different story. I really wish that i could’ve been born at a much earlier time which would’ve made all the difference in the world for me. And i have friends that were never married either which they certainly agree with me as well.

    • Petra says:

      You are good at making excuses for yourself. It’s not the world that is the problem. Men and women are as superficial as they’ve always been, only today there are less rules and social consequences so everyone is a bit more casual when it comes to dating. The fact our parents and grandparents found partners more easily doesn’t mean they were happier. If you start looking for answers inside rather than outside, that is the only way that will help you understand why you can’t find a partner, and change that.

  28. Cha23 says:

    Hello, its the second time my boyfriend breaks up with me. The first time it was a year ago not because of the relationship, we get along very good, we laugh and we love each other so much and have an amazong connection! But the real reason was because he moved to another city and went all the weekends to visit me and he felt like he had two lifes, i never asked him to go every weekend but he did it because he liked to see me. He said that whenever we were together was like magic but when he returned to his new city he felt like he had two lifes, like he was not living his time there correctly, if it was convenient to be single, and also because of some admired problems (i drop out of college) and he has a lot of personal goals. We broke up like for like a month and he came back telling me that he loves me that he doesnt care about me deopping out of college that all of that only were doubts that were in his mind that kept him from giving the 100% in the relationship( we never stopped talking) then we got back together. 11 months later he broke up with me again for the second time because of doubts. He says i am the perfect women, i am all he looks for in a woman and that his family loves me, the connection wow etc etc everything perfect! But he started to have some doubts and he doesnt know why!! He just feels lost and that keeps him from giving me the 100% i deserve in the relationship. He has some personal problems and he thinks he can handle all of them but apparently not. He says he doesnt want any other relationships and he only sees me in his future but now he cant give me that 100% i deserve because of the doubts on his mind (his feelings are intact). We saw each other in these two months we have been apart twice and everything its perfect! Its just so perfect that its so painful that when we see each other its amazong but then he returns to his new city to his routine and then the doubts starts to appear! He doesnt know how to explain these. I think in the first break up we didnt gave us the space we needed. He wants to feel okey and wants to give me that 100% but he doesnt know why he cant. I told him its not fare for me to be emotionally unstable like him and to stop calling me and seeing me until he have a purpose to fitgh back

    • Petra says:

      Long distance is hard and only the strongest relationships survive it. If you are not sure whether you want to break it off completely and start moving on (emotionally) – then just keep going like this, things will get clearer – you’ll either get closer or you’ll drift apart completely to the point where you’ll know it’s over and it will be easier to let go.

  29. Genevieve says:

    Hi, I have got to know this girl for for almost half a year and we got together for like 5 months. We are in the same sex relationship. This is both our first time. We have progressed very fast as we were texting each other everyday since the first day we me. Initially I thought it was just pure friendship which meant a lot to me. She confessed to me and I felt the same for her. & after that she said she shouldn’t have confess as this will lead nowhere in future. Since then we were together, but there were a lot of struggles throughout. Though we were very happy together, she will resist and said it is not right. We can’t be together no matter how happy we are… I tried to reassure her that no matter what happen we will faced it together. Im willing to take this risk even though our tradition is quite conservative. But I wasn’t sure what’s holding her back, I’m quite certain it’s because her family are quite conservative and she doesn’t wanna disappoint them. Additionally, she also dream of having a family.. Meaning a straight relationship.

    A lot of things happened in the midst of this rs. I know she fought hard to break this relationship but couldn’t bear to. I can feel her love yet her pain at the same time. Whenever, we tried to contact each other, she was the one who called/texted first. I did try to as well.. But no I can’t do it. I still want her in my life, I don’t want to lose her. After so many attempts of reassuring her, she’s still very firm on her stand. She said it was complicated and I’m not her & I won’t understand what’s she going through. She said she have gone through a relationship that her parents did not agree on and it was very tough & painful.

    She ask if we can just be good friends as this is not right and we shouldn’t be continuing anymore.I’ve told her that we will be good friends instead even though I’m not sure if I can do it. It hurts so much.. I love her so much. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  30. Angel says:

    Thank you for your posts, most of them speak to me.

    My ex and I dated were in a very serious relationship for 3 years until he broke up with me 3 months ago. His reason was that he didn’t see a future with me anymore and needed some time alone to explore things for himself, but his feelings for me never changed. He thought it was unfair to me by being in a relationship while he figured himself out. He believes that I can find someone better, and that I deserve better. I am very heartbroken as I did not see the breakup coming at all. We were in a long distance relationship for the last 2 years (going to different colleges) and going strong. I had just gotten back from visiting him, and we were even talking about him visiting me just a few days before the break up. I feel that because of the break up was so sudden, I’m having a very difficult time processing everything. I don’t understand why he can’t see a future anymore if he was planning so many things with me.

    I still hope we can get back together because I know that he saw our future before and he loved me enough to go through 2 years of long distance with me. I know at this moment that he needs time, and he needs to realize what he truly wants in his life. But I am so afraid that in the end, he’ll decide that he doesn’t want me. He doesn’t want me waiting for him, and I know that I shouldn’t wait for him either. But he means the world to me and despite everything I still love him with all my heart. I still see our future so clearly and the happiness we could have.

    I know there are other amazing guys out there and there’s not just one soulmate for me in the world. I understand in my mind that I need to move on, but for some reason my heart won’t listen. I still cry myself to sleep every night and it’s been 3 months since the breakup. Every day I wake up and my heart still loves him more than I did the previous day. It’s like the more I stop trying to think about him and try to move on, the more it reminds me how much I love him. I feel that I am mentally mature enough to understand that I need to let him go for now and not put my life on pause waiting for him. I can’t always wait for him to “maybe” come back into my life once the long distance is over and he’s done soul searching. I guess in the end I still have that last string of hope that after we’ve done our own soul searching we’ll realize that we were meant for each other.

    I know all of the things I’m supposed to do, and yet I just can’t control how my heart feels and how much my heart longs for him. What can I do?

    • Petra says:

      You can’t control your feelings – but they will change once you accept the fact it is over and he isn’t coming back. Until that happens you’ll be in this limbo.

  31. Desiree says:

    Hi Petra,

    I’m going through a similar thing. I unwittingly fell in love with a foreigner. He pursued me and and it worked. He’s flawed and has a tumultuous life, but I admire him how he handles his circumstances and still manages to smile and be kind. We have the same hearts, we really care about people and we both have the same philosophies on how life should be lived.

    My life is more stable than his and I am 5 years older than him. He is N.African and I am British – he told his mother about me and she’s unhappy. She told him to leave me and that he needs a girl younger than him. He told me this as a joke, and then he got serious and said,he liked and loved me but he can’t marry me because of my age and his mother is not happy, and that he didn’t want to waste my time. He told me that I need a man closer to my own age who is better than him, but we will always be friends. This was a shock to me, because early on in our relationship I wasn’t happy with his age and I told him that I am looking to get married and I’m serious and hat he should go find someone else if he wasn’t. We’ve been together for 2 years.

    Then the next day he told me not to worry( he has a lot of instability in his life) and told me about some bad news that happened to him. He still talks to me because he confides in me and trusts me. I want to be there for him because he’s human and I love him. But I don’t want him to take me for granted. I’m not trying to actively get back with him. I’ll never beg him. He said he just wants me to be happy because he’s sorry about breaking up with me. He wants me to be okay with it because he can’t handle the guilt. But also, at the same time he teases me, by sending me pictures of himself when he thinks he looks handsome. I told him to not get too cocky and he laughed and said you just don’t want other girls to like me. Why would he say that? Yes he sounds like an ass but I wonder if he expected me to take this break up harder (which I am, but I’m just not letting him know) because he wants me to love him more.

    I just figured that he’s a grown man and he should be able to stand up for me to his mother no matter how strong his culture and family are. I need him to do that. And so far, he hasn’t. He is very proud and can barely take care of himself financially and I think this has a lot to do with it.

    Why is he acting like this? I can understand not wanting to lose our friendship, but trying to make me jealous is weird too. Help?

    • Petra says:

      You want him to be something he isn’t. He is acting himself. If you want a grown up, sorted guy you’ll have to find one who already is like that, not hope the one you like otherwise will magically change. That doesn’t happen.