There’s not enough choice for me here

not-enough-choice
One of the big reasons my clients state for being single is not meeting enough interesting and eligible people in their environment. The ones who live in a small place believe it is so because there are simply to few opportunities to meet new people.

Those who live in big or even huge cities with millions of single people around them, tend to believe it’s because there is way too many choice. With too much choice people get too picky and treat their dates like merchandise – everyone is expandable and replaceable. Nobody gets real or serious. And it’s harder to connect in a big busy place which makes people cold and unapproachable.

Some think that there is simply not enough places to go or things to do where they could meet new people. Even if they turn to online dating they soon get disappointed.

I’ve often wondered about that issue myself in my single days, and I too believed there is something wrong with the place(s) I lived in. Until I changed my mind – which, quite surprisingly and suddenly – led to finding my current partner.

Here is how the story goes…

I was born and lived most of my life in a city of about one million people. Neither too big nor very small. Every time you walked out the door you could see new faces, and yet places and people felt cosy and familiar.

If you went out to certain bars or clubs, you could be sure to meet lots of people you know and you felt like it was easy to find your scene and your crowd. But you could also always see a bunch of those you’ve never met before. You might think – ideal for finding a partner.

Well, not so much. I was still single for years on end, and I did blame it partially on the environment. At some point everyone got married. Or at least everyone I’d be interested in. Guys didn’t want to approach girls. And so on.

You can always find a bunch of reasons for not being successful in getting what you want, by just observing the things that don’t work in your favour.

Then I moved to another place, it was a bit smaller, and across the world in a very different cultural environment. At the start things looked promising and I thought there would be interesting men around. I dated a couple of them, but I still couldn’t find the right guy. Over time I again concluded the place and social dynamic wasn’t right for me. There was simply not enough choice!

At some point I was just fed up with all that. I knew something was off and I started to wonder if there is something wrong with that thinking. After all, I moved to a completely different place, and yet – still no good men? Is there really a right and wrong place to meet a great match?

Then I thought about the concept of “enough choice” – how much is, really, enough? 5, 10, 100, 1000? How many men do I actually need?

The answer was simple: just one.

That thought struck me deeply. Is there not one guy around that could suit me? Is there honestly not enough opportunity to meet him? It just sounded so ridiculous that of all the socialising, all the contacts, all the different ways I was meeting people every single day – there wasn’t enough chance to meet that someone special.

I finally realised the problem was me – and my belief that it’s simply too hard, close to impossible to meet this one great guy. And I decided I will just get over that belief. Instead – I started believing that no matter where I live, no matter what I do, the right man has to be able to find me.

And he did! Shortly, in a matter of a few months, I met my now husband. He didn’t even live in the same country as I did, but our chance encounter turned into the most wonderful relationship I’ve ever had.

And ever since I’ve been certain that my beliefs kept me from finding the right guy sooner. And I started observing how much success in finding dates and relationships other people have. I found that those with similar and very different beliefs had exactly the same patterns – if they believed there was nobody around, they’d be single for long periods and mostly had unsuccessful dating attempts.

The ones who believed there is people out there, and it’s easy to meet them – would always be more lucky and even when they broke up there would not be long until they found someone new.

Of course, there are other factors that influence your chances of finding a partner. But no, location and size of your town is not one of them. It is as significant of a factor as is the weather or the fact that everyone takes the train as opposed to drive to work every day. It’s a lifestyle issue, not a lack or abundance issue.

When you think about the place you live in – naturally you have to consider the socialising opportunities you have, and adjust accordingly. But I am sure, unless you are living on a remote and isolated island with 10 other people – there is always enough opportunity and choice, as long as you allow yourself to believe in them.

The key is to open your mind and heart to possibilities, and trust that if you truly want it, and if you are willing and ready – he or she will come into your life. Even if you live on that island, they’ll paddle their way to you.

I know this sounds unrealistic and illogical – but please, take a minute and ask yourself: how logical, realistic or true are your current beliefs of “not enough choice”? Are they based on some precise scientific measurement? Or are they also a product of a possibly faulty logic?

I also know it’s hard to change your beliefs over night. But do give it a try. Bit by bit you will be able to remove the obstacles your own mind is putting in front of your happiness in love.

LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS

Do you feel like the place you live in is diminishing your chances to find love? Please share your reasons why in the comment section.

Your thoughts are very much appreciated. They will not go unnoticed – I personally read all and respond to most of the comments.

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10 Responses

  1. Chrisy says:

    I am 36 and very hard to find age appropriate men in a suburbs of PA. Very tough!! Guys same age then men all go younger! Same for the older men too. they want much younger. ;(

    • Petra says:

      Hi Chrisy, I don’t think ALL men are looking for younger women. And besides, those are not the men who will interest you – the ones who just look for young bodies. You need one who will be interested in you as a person. I’d look for those guys and stop worrying about the ones whose main criteria is age.

  2. G says:

    Haha. I’m so done with this LOVE stuff. It’s just all full of superficial BS. It’s just not worth it anymore. It’s not about the location, it’s about the people.

    • Petra says:

      Oh you seem bitter! I’d say you’ve been hurt and disappointed a lot in love. Sorry about that, but it’s only your experience and it can be changed. Let me know if you’d like a consultation and we can talk about all that “love BS”. Take care.

  3. Linda says:

    You are so right Petra. It’s all in the mindset. For too long I have agreed with other women when we complained that there’s not enough available men in our area or that we are of the wrong age or whatever reasons we make for ourselves when all along we are the barriers. Thanks for making me more aware and taking responsibility for my own destiny. …onwards with my journey!

    • Petra says:

      Hi Linda, great to hear that. I do believe we are the ones putting the obstacles on our own path to love – but once we realise it, we can change it. It’s not easy to change beliefs that come from your experience, but the experience is happening because of those beliefs. Wish you all my best.

  4. Jeannine says:

    Petra, I think you’re great! All your posts are so insightful and comforting to me as I have been going through a heartbreak recently. Thank you and please keep up the great work! I am getting through this difficult time because of prayer and your blog posts! 😊