3 key steps to increasing your chances of meeting new people

meet-new-people
One of the biggest obstacles for many singletons is not having enough opportunity to meet new people. If you live in a smaller place or town chances of seeing new faces are limited. If you live in a big city life is often so fast that you’re too busy to go out. There is of course online dating, but that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Some people don’t like to go out to bars or clubs. Some have nobody to go out with. Some are introvert and shy and don’t like crowds in general. Some feel there are no places that cater for people their age. Some make an effort but often get discouraged to go out because ‘nothing ever happens’. They never meet anyone they’d like to date – and as a result start thinking people they would like to meet don’t move in their social circles – or don’t exist at all.

This is a great paradox of our times – with 7+ billion people on the planet, most of us living in big enough, even crowded cities – how can we still feel that we don’t have enough choice? Even the statistics show that numbers of single people are constantly growing. There is more and more singles in every age group.

So where are all of them hiding? Why do so many of us, despite the numbers, feel there is not much opportunity to meet potential partners? And how can we change that?

One thing that most people don’t realise is – your view there is nobody out there is highly subjective. It’s based on your experience and your experience is a result of your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions.

We are also very much influenced by the idea that as you grow older it gets harder and harder to meet partners. Media and public opinion is full of statistics, research and articles that support this view. So you are at a disadvantage from the start, since everybody is trying to convince you there isn’t much chance you’ll find someone.

This view is again result of our collective experience – more people have difficulty finding partners after the age of 30 or so, so we collectively conclude it’s harder to find partners as you get older. Also, more people are in relationships or married after 30, and the pool of singles is shrinking.

This is all very true, but – if we go back to statistics, there is still plenty of singles to choose from. The reason you can’t find them easily is a combination of your belief it’s hard to find them, and lack of focused activity in searching for them.

Your belief which is formed by your previous experience (couldn’t find anyone for years) and prevalent public view (it’s harder and harder as you get older) will create a situation where you simply won’t meet suitable people. Even if you go out a lot and try meeting new people in various ways, you will not find anyone you like.

On the other hand, if you don’t seek opportunities to meet new people and just hope someone will accidentally land on your doorstep, you will pretty much meet nobody. Same goes for frequenting the same social circles where you know everyone and/or most people are in couples – it will be very hard to meet someone new unless your social circle is very wide and dynamic. And most people’s are not.

Things will get even worse if you have low self confidence and low opinion of yourself, or fear of closeness and connection. Often those beliefs and fears are reinforced by our experience, so we tend to lose even more confidence and get more scared the longer we stay single.

This can become a vicious circle which makes many people give up on love completely. You conclude you’re better off staying on your own, than trying and failing again and again. Deep down you still long to find someone – the desire for connection never truly goes away, but you find a way to cut off those feelings because they cause so much pain and misery.

I believe no person should ever give up on their search for love. It’s in a way a search for happiness, for completeness, for fulfillment. To create true connection with another human being we first need to create this connection with ourselves. But if we give up on love with another, for most of us that means giving up on love with ourselves too.

The challenges we face when we have to go out and connect with another human being, risk getting hurt and rejected, are the same challenges that ultimately bring us to self-love and happiness. If we keep trying, we will surely succeed in finding love. If we give up – the chances are very slim.

So what can you do to create to make your search shorter and easier? I think these steps are key and will definitely bring you success if you master them:

1 – SCARCITY THINKING HAS TO GO

Stop thinking it is hard. Stop thinking it is rare. The scarcity in your mind is creating scarcity in your experience. Trust me on this, try it even though you don’t see it yet, and observe the new experience. You will meet many more people if you believe you can and it’s easy. You will also meet many more single people if you stop believing everyone your age is taken. And you will start meeting many more people you find attractive if you believe there are plenty of those out there. They are, but you are not meeting them because you don’t believe they exist.

2 – TRUST YOU DESERVE IT AND CAN DO IT

Stop thinking you are unworthy of love because you couldn’t find a partner so far. Stop thinking there is something wrong with you or your personality. And stop defining yourself by your previous experience. You are not what happened to you in the past. You are not incapable of finding a partner just because you couldn’t find one before. This can change today. And it will change much faster if you don’t project your past into your present and future. Start today with a blank page and don’t look back expecting the same outcome.

3 – TAKE ACTION

Changing beliefs is key to changing your experience, but action is important too. Without it, we can’t expect fast results. So please revise your activity. Are you going out enough? Are you finding ways to meet new people offline or online? Are you putting effort in it? Are you going to places where people with similar interests go? There is no point in going to bars if you dislike drinking and loud music. Better find an activity you love, chances of finding a partner there are much higher.

Sometimes you will need to get out of your comfort zone to create opportunities. Your intention and desire has to show in the material world. Daydreaming and wishing is not enough. If you’re already very active, and it’s not bringing results – then go back to step one and two.

If you follow these steps, you will be in a relationship in no time. It can take months or a year, but it will rarely be longer.

If you are already doing all of the above and it’s still not happening for years, maybe you have difficulty choosing the right partner for you. Read about how to overcome those here and here.

If you are unsure what your issue is, or you feel you can’t put the above in practice on your own – contact me, I can help.

LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS

Which of the three steps do you have most difficulty with?
Do you hold any scarcity beliefs? – Which ones? Where do they come from: your experience, your environment…?

Please share in the comments below. Thank you.

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19 Responses

  1. Chris says:

    Probably number two. I have had no luck in love from my own family getting mixed signals in my younger years. It’s alien to me what it really is. I have come to a point where I just leave it alone. It’s no more for me.

    • Petra says:

      Hi Chris, it’s your decision and it is in your hands to change it. I don’t think anyone needs to give up on what we want because ultimately we are always in control of our life. We just need to find a way – and there is always one. Take care and hope you’ll change your mind.

      • Chris says:

        The problem is that there is no evidence that it is worth it and sadly, what it really is. I do what I can to suppress what little desire there is in me and slowly become content with being alone although I know I don’t and never will like it. You’re right that it is in my hands and that’s where it always will be. Always nice to read your posts.

        • Petra says:

          Thank you Chris. If you feel like you could use some help with it, let me know. All my best.

          • Chris says:

            I’ve always wondered what it really is. I’m at a point where any physical contact is uncomfortable and frightening, even from family. I want it but always back off. I’ve trained myself to be completely self sufficient and do not rely on anyone for anything. I know I shouldn’t and I’m becoming comfortable with it but hate it at the same time. Help would be appreciated as far as guidance is concerned. Counseling lead to more frustration. Thanks Petra.

          • Petra says:

            Chris, you have to face your fears and overcome them, backing off and getting used to be by yourself will only deepen your isolation and sadness. You need to come out of your comfort zone and do things that scare you, otherwise it will not get better. I don’t know what counseling you had but there are certainly people out there who can help you. Look for someone who will be more supportive and will gently lead you to come out of your shell. There are different methods and therapists and I am sure you can find one who will be a good guide. I can offer you a free consultation if you’d like to try coaching, let me know if you’d like that via email or my contact page.

  2. I feel like this post is geared toward negative thinkers. I live in a big city and have a positive view of dating. Every time I go out, I meet someone, which is fun. I just have to make going out more of a priority.

    • Petra says:

      It is, you’re right. This is geared towards people who feel they can’t meet anyone new. But I did stress activity as one of the reasons we don’t meet people too. Cheers and thanks for commenting!

  3. Sheila B says:

    Activity is good -as you say Petra – for all sorts of connections – not just with potential partners. A UK survey suggested 75% of people never moved outside of their social circle. So its not surprising lots of folk ‘never meet anyone’. I’ll bet single folk ‘trying hard’ can develop a great network of friends, pals, and business associates – very useful when it comes to it. Protective and supportive – of great benefit all round. 🙂

    • Petra says:

      Thank you Sheila, great insight. I couldn’t agree more – I believe in the power of going out and just meeting people, connecting, sharing – you never know who you might meet: a new friend, business partner – or a new mate! Thanks for sharing.

      • Konnect Life says:

        LOL, none of you get it, for the most part. That’s what hurst the most – when outsiders looking in want to judge and believe they can understand what’s going on and think it’s all a matter of magically making things happen by either thinking positively or negatively. It hurts even more to realize that you are in a situation that must be so abnormal that others, including those who are supposed to be experts in the field of psychology, are incapable of understanding it correctly… I notice most counselors and many psychologists (or at least all the ones I’ve dealt with) also are incapable of understanding. They just know enough of the material they’ve studied in order to get a degree to qualify themselves.

        Anyway, I wont even bother trying to explain anything. You have to experience certain things to understand it.

        Good thing I managed to overcome social anxiety on my own with my own techniques and developed my own way of meeting people and making friends. Dating, however, is still a challenge with all the rules men must follow in order to be right for a woman without being labeled as a creep or awkward or stalkerish or whatever other many labels out there that are used against people who are already struggling. I feel very bad for those who have any type of personality or physiological or psychological disorders (or even worse, mental illnesses) that cause them to act weird or different and haven’t discovered the formula to “acting normal” and overcoming social anxiety or whatever they are trying to fix about themselves just to be able to be accepted, date and make friends. I feel for them because I can fully understand how they feel, and I also know how much worse it feels that they get accused of creating their own problems. I find it very difficult to get my mind to understand how anyone could believe that anyone who did not even choose to be born or be born the way they were could be accused of creating their own problems or accused of creating their outcomes with their ways of thinking. Who in their right mind would want to choose to be unhappy or continuously have problems (and I’m not talking about people who drink or smoke or do drugs, etc. – but I also cannot judge them or accuse them of anything since their situation is one I cannot understand myself…)

        I wonder if anyone would go tell starving kids in Africa or somewhere to “just think positive” or that nothing will change if they don’t stop thinking negative.

        And, of course, anyone who always goes out and meets someone (and often gets to be the one who chooses whether to accept or reject the other person they met and control the status of the relationship and most likely already has many people approaching them trying to subtly ask them out) will have a positive outlook. Anyone can feel positive and have a good outlook on things that they are good at or things that come natural to them. Imagine having to ask a bunch of advice and take notes and study and practice just to learn how to lead a normal social life, learn to socialize and carry conversations normally, make friends, and possibly score a date…

        I would say more, but I’ve already spent too much time thinking and typing all this when this isn’t even a brief summary of the entire situation, and I’m sure it will not be understood the way it is supposed to be understood anyway. I just couldn’t resist the temptation to reply.

        Oh, and most people, including psychologists and counselors, are horrible, HORRIBLE at understanding people with aspergers. Probably explains why we are bullied and teased in our younger years of school and rejected by 95% of the women we try to meet because we don’t act “normal” enough.

        But maybe if I just thought positive, things would’ve magically changed and everyone would’ve welcomed my former odd ways and girls would’ve been all over me regardless of how creepy I used to come across back in those days.

        Anyway, ……. What I’ve said is pretty sporadic and incomplete, but I have other things to do, so I’m done.

        • Konnect Life says:

          ….And I see my comment posted in the wrong spot, but oh well.

          • Konnect Life says:

            By the way, I will say that the article is not bad. However, I can imagine how I would’ve felt if I read this three years ago before overcoming social anxiety and learning how to make friends, lead a normal social life and even date. Of course, after achieving those goals, my outlook is different, so certain aspects of this article don’t affect me as much now as it would’ve back when I was struggling and had no idea how to fix the situation.

        • Petra says:

          Thank you for sharing. I am sure living with Asperger’s presents its own set of challenges, on top of all those we ‘normal’ people have – but if you assume what you feel and experience is the truth, that in itself is the biggest barrier to making true changes in your life. Being unhappy is nobody’s fault. But doing or not doing something about it is each person’s responsibility. I know it’s hard for you to believe in things you haven’t experienced. I know it’s hard to be positive. But we all do have a choice to try to make ourselves happy, and nobody else can do it for us.

          • Ms Jones says:

            I would like to reply to Konnect Life also. I know nothing about Aspergers, but I do know that there are many people with different physical and emotional modalities who find someone – maybe just like them.
            There are all sorts of people in this world. Some are more patient and accepting of others and some are just like them.
            I have a cousin who became depressed after serving in the military. He had a terrible accident but survived. He became severely disabled. He was alone his whole life until after this incident, at which time he met a very physically disabled woman (she had a different type of accident). They have been married for about 25 years.
            There I are so many people who want love and want to share it.
            I am sure there is someone out there for you. Just because a person is a little different doesn’t mean they are incapable of giving and receiving love.
            I wish you the best!

  4. Ms Jones says:

    I was talking to a girlfriend tonight and she asked me if I had met any one. I said no. She asked me if I had been using the Internet. I said no. She asked me if I had been going out. I said no.
    When my late Aunt (my late great friend) was alive, she used to say “don’t go out, it’s too late! Go home early and get comfortable! I remember saying “Aunt Mary, there is no one in my apartment but me! How am I supposed to meet anybody if I don’t go out?” Of course she was only concerned about my safety, but the fact of the matter was that there was not a line of men standing outside my front door waiting to meet me. I had to go out. So after a long heartache (ouch ouch ouch) I am going out – because no one is coming here. I do not know what I will find out there, but I know who is here – only me, which is great, but still – only me.

  5. Kerry says:

    I really enjoyed reading many of your articles. I am a 50 year old divorced woman with only a few short term relationships since the end of my 14 year marriage. I feel that I actually tend to cover all the items you cover. I am confident; reasonably happy in myself; happy to go outside my comfort zone and am optimistic about men. I think the thing that resonated with me was that I do define myself by my previous experiences. That I have a string of failed relationships, based on choosing badly and that may pre-determine my chances in the future. I don’t think this is so on an intellectual level but deep down I probably do on an emotional level. Thanks for the advice.

  6. Sheila B says:

    Hiya Petra – going out on my own to a barbecue/ businesss club. Hope to have fun and good food but not looking for a partner! Just getting out of the comfort zone and oing something many single people would not countenance. I will congratulate myself for that.
    Best wishes to all x