Can I get my ex back?
When someone breaks up with you, lots of emotions kick in. Unless you wanted to break up too, there is usually anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, desperation and a whole lot of other painful emotions.
If you’re still in love with your ex partner, you’re probably in shock and you can’t believe they don’t feel the same any more. It hurts. Like hell. Your heart feels like it’s truly been split into two pieces. You feel lost and nothing makes sense without them.
You can’t think of anything or anyone else. You can’t imagine living another day without them in your life. And you can’t possibly imagine you will ever be happy again – unless they come back to you.
The only thought in your mind is: how can I get my ex back? And fast, please!
When you’re in that state you can’t consider moving forward as a viable option. The only way is – back, and away from the pain. And not back to where you were at the time just before breakup – when things were already falling apart, you were fighting a lot or feeling awkward with nothing much to say. No, you want the good times back – the laughter, the great sex, the cute messages, the amazing fun you had when you first fell in love.
The reality is, in most cases this is never going to happen. And even if it does, it probably won’t be as good as it once was.
What will happen, and that’s for sure, no matter how impossible it sounds to you now is – you will eventually move on. You will find someone new, most likely better-matching – once you allow yourself to believe there is someone better for you out there. (Of course there is. It’s just now, when you’re in that breakup low, you can’t see it ever happening.)
Many people come to me with the question from the title. Many expect me to give them a formula that will somehow magically bring their former lover back. If I am this love and relationship expert, I must have a few tips up my sleeve they haven’t thought of yet.
But the only tip I have in this case is: feel the pain, live through it as best as you can, and move on as fast as you can.
Relationships really do fall apart for a reason. And people who reject or leave us do that for a reason too. Reason being – they simply don’t feel the connection (anymore).
The fastest way to mend a broken heart is to understand it’s not about you. It’s not your fault, and it didn’t happen because you did something wrong. You are not unlovable, and you’re not the reason your relationship fell apart.
The fact that someone left you means you two are not such a great match (anymore). Maybe you were good together when you first met. But it simply isn’t the case now.
When you hold on to “what you once had” you are living in the fantasy of the past. Remembering the good and ignoring the bad stuff. Filtering the movie of your relationship through rose-tinted glasses.
Why do we do this? Because we are still in love. And therefore we simply can’t see the whole truth. Our feelings are too strong and too biased to let us see the reality.
And that’s OK, for a while. But you shouldn’t let it last too long, because it will stop you from finding someone new and having a happy love life. You’ll keep comparing every new person with your ex, and nobody will ever live up to the idealised memory you have of them (read more about getting over a significant ex here and here).
Another equally important reason we want someone back so badly is because we are afraid we won’t find anyone new. Or better. Or both. So rather than admitting it’s over and it wasn’t so great in the first place, we keep our minds occupied with various how-to-get-them-back plots.
But – nothing you can say or do can change someone’s mind once it’s been made up. And nothing will make them tip over unless they themselves decide they want it. You can’t change or influence another person’s opinions, thoughts or feelings – you can only decide what you want to feel or think about the situation.
Your ex partner may or may not come back to you. But they won’t come back faster if you put your life on hold.
So bearing in mind that the only life you have control of is your own – what is the best and easiest you can do?
It may sound easier to linger and wait for them to change their mind. But this means you’re tying your happiness to someone else’s free will. It usually leads to prolonged periods of desperation and anxiety because all you can do is sit, wait and hope they’ll be back. Which doesn’t sound that great, does it?
Or you can decide to do your best to continue your life without them. This will initially be much more painful than hoping and lingering. Hope soothes the pain and makes us feel like we have something to hold on to. Even if it’s an illusion.
If you decide to give up that hope, it will initially hurt more. But – it is more likely to stop sooner. You will wake up one day feeling a bit better, and then again a bit better – until one day you get up and wonder why you felt so bad in the first place.
And if your ex changes their mind in the meantime, you can still take them back.
Although I think you probably won’t be that keen any more.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
Do you think it’s possible to change someone’s mind and make them fall for you again?
What do you think works best when you have to get over someone?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts in the comments section.