Am I too old for love?
Women and men of all ages seem to be burdened by this question. 20-something year olds who’ve barely started dating at all are worried they’ve already missed all the real chances to find a good life partner (especially if they are in their early twenties).
The ones approaching 30 are scared they’ll miss the opportunity to settle down and have children and family at the “right” age.
People in their 30s are even more concerned. What if there is nobody out there anymore? They think everyone worth pursuing is already married and they are growing increasingly tired of their unsuccessful attempts to find a partner. Going out is not that much fun anymore, neither is going on dates. It takes much more time and effort to find one too, which can be very tiring.
40s are an age of even bigger dating discontentment, especially for ones who’ve never been married and have no children. Many are certain they are now simply getting old and their chances for a happy love life are dwindling to zero. Women are particularly pessimistic as they see this as a double failure – not only they haven’t managed to find a partner, but they are also (most likely) not going to be mothers.
50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s… can we even hope to find love at this age at all?
I’ve been giving this concern quite a lot of thought myself – after all I’ve been single a good part of my early 20s, end of 20s and first half of 30s. I haven’t gotten to single 40s and beyond yet, but you never know.
But what I mostly worry about is this: why do we, collectively as a society, and as individuals, believe so strongly that finding love has an expiry date? What makes us think that love has given us a deadline and if we miss it we’re doomed to a lifetime of loneliness?
I believe we are socially determined to think that way – because we are also still believing in a one-partner-for-life concept, but both of those are no longer a reality in today’s world. Many people do find partners in their 20s, but very many don’t.
Divorces and breakups are common at any age. We get together and we fall apart, and it’s happening everywhere, to everyone, even in countries with strong religious and traditional barriers that make people reluctant to break up.
I will not pull out numbers here, but feel free to look them up for yourself (you can usually find them in census data and various demographic research studies) – but single people are becoming a norm, not an exception – at any age.
So why do we still think it’s harder to find a partner as we grow older? And why do we think our choices are narrowing?
Part of it is the ease – when we are young socialising is more frequent, everyone is out there looking for someone.
Part of it is our criteria – we add more conditions to our list of potential partner qualities as our experiences and maturity teach us what we want and don’t want from someone.
But part of it is this big lie we keep selling ourselves: everyone (worth pursuing) is taken.
And another big lie: I am not interesting/attractive/young enough (anymore) for someone to fall in love with me.
And some other smaller lies get attached there too. Which are all just silly beliefs that have nothing to do with reality and have everything to do with your perception of that reality.
And your perception is what keeps getting in your way – eating away your real chances to find love.
Which are about the same at any age – because when you are young you have plenty of choice but very little wisdom to know who will actually fit you. And there are a lot more single people who are not that keen to have a real relationship just yet. So you end up with more dates but also more heartbreak and mismatched couplings.
As you get older the choice gets narrower but that’s just quantity. And the numbers are not important here. You only need one person, just one – and there is always more than one willing, ready and close by.
The main reason you can’t find him or her at any age – is your belief that it’s hard or impossible to do it, and that you don’t deserve it now, here, just the way you are.
Once you start believing there is enough choice, there is enough potential partners, there is enough love in the world for each and every one of us at any age, finding your right partner will become a viable reality.
Until then – most of your wishing is just wishful thinking, because deep in your heart you just don’t believe your wish can ever come true.
LET ME HEAR FROM YOU
Do you feel too old to find love? Tell me why in the comments below.
Thank you for sharing!