How to be sure someone is into you

Modern dating rules leave us with a lot to wish for. Nothing is as it seems: someone pursues you, then they disappear without a trace and without an apparent reason. You start dating and think you are a couple, only to realise the other person is simultaneously dating more people and thinks you are not yet at the point where you are exclusive. You meet a great guy who takes your number and then never calls. You think the person you asked on a date is attracted to you but then it turns out they only want to be friends.

I can only say I totally sympathise with all of you currently struggling to make sense of all that, and please don’t feel guilty if you can’t. I had my fair share of dating flops and misinterpreted signs and after a string of confusing experiences and a lot of hurt feelings, sometimes on both sides, I decided there is only one rule that is always true: do not, ever, assume.

Because, in today’s dating world, assumption is the mother of all heartache. We people are vulnerable beings – especially when it comes to our need to be loved and appreciated, so to minimise the risk of getting hurt it’s safer to dampen your hopes and expectations until you can be sure that he/she is really into you.

What does that exactly mean? It means you shouldn’t imagine how you’ll move in together on date one, or anything too far into the future. It also means you shouldn’t lose your head for someone until they show you they’re worth it. I know it’s sometimes hard because emotions take over and we can’t command our heart not to fall in love, but – think about this: you are worthy of someone actually making an effort to win your heart. And if they don’t want to make that effort, play with your feelings, and treat you without respect – they are actually not a person that deserves you. And you shouldn’t be falling in love with someone like that in the first place.

Please keep that in mind next time someone leaves you lingering for a call, date, or a meaningful response to why there will be none. People who are careless with others feelings in this initial dating stage will most likely continue to be the same even if you get into a serious relationship. So this is your first warning sign that there is probably more trouble ahead.

But how to be sure that someone actually IS into you? I’d say simply – when he/she is, you will not have to ask that question, because you will know. You will be sure. Whenever you’re in doubt, and things aren’t going smoothly – it’s probably a no. If you’re into the first few dates but they call when they say so, agreeing to seeing each other is easy and straightforward and you both want it – then it’s probably a yes. But you still shouldn’t get your hopes up if you’ve only had two or three dates.

There’s another rule you might want to apply to have more certainty and less heartbreak, especially if you’re a girl: do not rush into sleeping together. This is because there are a lot of boys out there who will be extremely nice and attentive and make all kinds of promises until they get you into bed, only to disappear without a trace after they succeed.

So if you’re looking to determine whether the guy is really into you or just into having sex with you, let him court you longer. If he’s serious about you he’ll stick around, and actually show interest in you as a person, without trying to make you sleep with him as soon as possible. And if he’s only into one thing, he’ll give up if he sees he can’t get it that easily.

To be honest with you – there is no magic formula that works every single time, and your heart still might get broken. But that is the risk of putting yourself out there, letting people close, giving yourself a chance to experience true love. Without it, it would be hard to ever find it.

But if you value yourself, your time and your feelings, and don’t allow people be careless with them, you’ll learn how to stay away from the bad dating choices, and embrace the good ones. And you’ll find the latter much much sooner.


Did you have a dating experience that taught you to be more careful with choosing your dates?
How did it go?

Please leave your comment below. Thank you.

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8 Responses

  1. Linda says:

    Petra, after reading several of your topics, I have realised why I am still single after 4 yrs…I have high expectations, some unrealistic, and I often define myself and almost set myself to fail! I do put myself out there and do many social things to meet new men but usually end making new female friends…I need help,!!

    • Petra says:

      Hi Linda, thanks for your feedback. Glad my posts have given you a new perspective. If you’d like to discuss your situation in more detail, we can arrange a coaching consultation. It’s free and will give you a good idea if and how coaching can help. Let me know – just comment here or even better send me an email (you can do it via my contact page).

      • Linda says:

        Hi Petra, I keep meeting unsuitable men via the online dating, speed dating or social events. I am so envious of a friend who have met a couple of wonderful guys after a couple of months via online dating. She has a fun attitude to dating but my question is, how do you attract the right guys in the first place? I think I have a positive outlook to life and I know I probably have to kiss a many frogs before meeting the right one. At the moment, I despair and have lost interest, temporarily, in meeting anyone. The men who respond to my online profile are either very old, foreigners or fakes! Lost with ideas for now

        • Petra says:

          Maybe this thought that you have to meet a lot of frogs first is attracting all the frogs? Beliefs are very powerful in creating our reality – think about yours. Look at your beliefs about yourself (body image, attractiveness – as a person, as a partner, as a woman, self-worth), beliefs about men and dating, and your environment – the clue could very well be there, since you’ve noticed how easily your friend attracted guys – you can compare your beliefs and see what comes up.

  2. Eve says:

    Hi there..Same thing happened to me. I met a guy few weeks ago and He was really nice to me. well, feelings developed and few days later he disappear without a trace. I was shock when i found out he Blocked me from all contacts (FB/Whatsapp)

    Only to find out that He is actually already dating other people before we met.

    The worst things is that girl, is one of my close friend’s friend.
    I was really hurt… in fact until now im still not over it/him..

    This article at least help me alot..

    Thank you.


    • Petra says:

      You are welcome! Glad it helped. Sometimes life saves us from dating people who wouldn’t be a good idea to date at all… think about if you actually started a serious relationship and he was keeping all that on the side? Seems to me he isn’t worth your time or attention. Take care.

  3. Lakshmanan says:

    Iam always single whn iam around my friend and his gf i get irritate i juz wanna be in damn love but i dnt knw y….!!!!
    Iam fit nd iam good @crickt but why the hel iam nt seeing any intrst in grls !???

    • Petra says:

      I don’t know, honestly – can’t really say without a bit more info about who you are, how you feel, what goes on in your life, your age etc. Love doesn’t happen because you’re good in cricket or any activity per se. You can get attention if you’re good at something, but that’s not the same as love.

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