Love requires courage
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about why people can’t get things they want, even if they passionately desire them, and actively work on getting them. In the relationship arena, I mostly notice it with single people. I am often surrounded, both privately and professionally, with wonderful, kind and interesting people who just can’t seem to find a long-term partner, seemingly – no matter what they do.
They go out and meet people, enroll in online dating, introduce themselves to new people, and lead interesting and active social lives, but it’s just not happening. In some cases, for years and years. Definitely way too long, and it just doesn’t make sense. Even if you’re the ugliest and most boring person in the world, statistically you’d stumble upon a partner or two in 5+ years. And for these people, seems like statistics don’t work. Why?
Besides the usual and quite common limiting beliefs that many single people have, which are in itself quite powerful obstacles to attracting adequate partners – things like: I’m too old/everybody’s taken/all men are irresponsible/all women only want a rich superman/there’s not enough choice/I’m too picky/I’m too complicated/I’m not good enough… and the like, I’ve realised there is another big issue: most people don’t REALLY put themselves out there. They have a burning desire, they take action, but they are not ready to take any real risks.
Since they only let themselves go up to a point – they get mediocre or no results. They play it safe because they don’t want to get hurt. Maybe they’ve been hurt before and they don’t want to feel that way again, and that’s fine in principle. But – love is a messy endeavour, and one that by definition involves strong emotions. If you want to have the best of it, you have to be prepared to sometimes experience its worst. Not because you like pain and hurt. But because you have to open your heart up and offer it to someone on a plate in order to have a chance to experience true love. There is no other way.
If you shield yourself from getting close, getting in the middle of this wonderful crazy chaos we call love… you will fail miserably. You’ll maybe find someone you like, but they won’t like you. Or you’ll get into a relationship and realise it’s not your thing. It will just be a mismatch over and over again. Because you are not looking for just any relationship. You’re looking for the real thing.
And to get it, you have to give it all you got. You have to strip yourself bare. Be honest, open, emotional, vulnerable, passionate. You have to invest your whole self in it, you have to genuinely care to make it happen. You have to make yourself truly available and ready to bear any consequences.
That’s the only way you’ll ever have a chance of finding true love, real connection, that wonderful bliss that happens when you are with a person who truly loves you, truly respects you, just wants to enjoy who you are, wants you to blossom and be happy in every possible way. And that’s the outcome we’re all hoping for, isn’t it? And you know what, it is possible. It exists! But it takes a lot of courage. And there are no shortcuts.
In my search for love I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve been hurt and left, refused, conned and rejected. I’ve dated and fell madly in love with men I never should have dated, men who were insensitive and unaware and sometimes even cruel. But I never ever gave up, never closed my heart to protect it from possible pain. Never said – I won’t let anyone hurt me again, so I’ll grow big thick walls and shut everyone out. Play games and never let them know how I truly feel to avoid getting heartbroken. Because I knew, if I do that, it will also shut out all the good, true, wonderful ones, the ones who will only come to me and recognise me as their match if they can see the real me.
When I liked someone I told them so, no matter what they did with it. Some have broken my heart and played with my feelings. But I knew it was a way of finding out who and what I really like and want. It was a steep learning curve, but I learned my lessons. Now I know who deserves me, and the ones who don’t – they don’t stand a chance any more. But to find that out, I had to try and fail, until I got it right.
If I didn’t like someone anymore, I broke up with them. I didn’t shy away from making tough decisions. Because I knew if it’s not good, it’s not worth it. And it’s wasting my time and life as well as theirs, because if we’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make us happy any more, we’re both missing out on someone better.
I always knew that the only way I’ll ever find real love is to follow my heart. Go out, make myself available, let people see my insecurities and my shortcomings, as well as my beauty. I never calculated when to say I love you. And I never said it if I didn’t mean it. I never thought it’s better if they “love more”. I knew I’d never be happy if we didn’t love each other with equal dedication and passion. Anything else I can’t call love. And I never played games. In fact, I didn’t even know how to.
And that is, I believe, the one and only way to get true love. Coming from a person who found it, and is living it as we speak, I dear you to do the same. Love comes to the brave. Be brave! Take chances. Get to know people before you reject them. Maybe you’ll find out they are actually much better for you than someone you admire from a distance. Get the ones you like know the real you before they decide you’re not a good match. Don’t fear rejection, it only gets you closer to what you truly want and need. You might get hurt, yes, and it might be one hell of a ride, but it’s so amazingly worth it.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
From your experience, has being courageous in love paid off so far? Why? Why not?
Thank you for sharing!