When dating tips are not enough

Dating is becoming a science! There are so many ideas and theories about it. People write books on the subject of right and wrong way to meet people and ask them out. There are seduction tips, conversation tips, body language tips and grooming tips. How you dress and toss your hair plays a part. How you smile and how many times you glance is important too. What topics you talk about, and how many times you mention your mother or your ex partner. Which places are good to meet potential partners. Why you need to be honest, but not too honest. And so on.

Well, I have a confession to make here. I’ve never read a single “dating-how-to” book. Maybe it’s not something to brag about in my profession 🙂 – but I’ll tell you why: I’ve always thought dating tips are somewhat missing the point. I don’t deny there are certain behaviours that help with securing dates, and if you learn them – you will surely be successful. In getting dates and people’s attention. And if that’s what you’re looking for, they do a perfect job.

But – if you want to find somebody to love, that whole dating-strategy thing may very well not work for you. You may be meeting people and going out on many dates, but it’s just not with the right people. My dating world used to be like that too. Attracting men and getting dates was never a problem for me. I managed to figure out the rules of dating on my own – that’s probably another reason why I never read the books – and I think I was pretty good at applying them. But. Knowing how to date couldn’t get me what I really wanted: a loving long-term relationship. I went out and socialised – more than enough. I flirted. I knew how to get the “I like you” message across. I knew how to get men interested in me. I did that for years and I was still single or in-between unsuccessful dates.

What was I doing wrong? Nothing. It just wasn’t enough. And, in hindsight – all that flirting might’ve been a bit counter-productive too. While I was busy trying to impress guys I thought would be a good match for me, I probably missed out on some others that would like me when I’m not trying so hard. And looking back – all the men that made a mark – came into my life when I wasn’t trying at all. I was just being me. Living my life. Busy doing something else than trying to meet men.

Sometimes, no matter how much we try to do things the right way – it’s still not getting us anywhere. That’s why I think dating strategies are overrated: because they can only get you so far, while you may be fooled into thinking you’re doing everything you can. And maybe you are. But it’s not all in the “doing”.

The bigger and much more important part of finding a true partner is in how you feel about yourself and the world around you – what thoughts and beliefs you nourish. If you think you are not good enough – you’ll keep meeting people who will think the same. And they’ll probably see themselves as losers too. And who wants to date losers? If you think everybody “good” is taken – your reality will reflect that. If you feel it’s hard to meet someone interesting – it will be even harder. There are many other things that could be the issue, but the bottom line is – it’s not just your dating skills. Once you remove the obstacles you put in your own way, the road will clear – and the right one will appear. Ups, that even rhymes. 🙂


I’d like to hear your dating experience. Were dating tips a success for you? Did you get what you wanted? Was it frustrating or liberating to learn how to date better?

Thank you for sharing!

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4 Responses

  1. I can relate because I get more date offers when I’m just in gym clothes on the weekends or after evening workouts than I do when I’m all dolled up. I get lots of compliments on a regular basis, but not as many dates. I think it speaks to 1) men will be just as attracted to you when you’re not trying, and 2) when you’re all dressed up (and I have a confident stride) sometimes they’re more intimidated to approach.

  2. Oh yes, I am a big believer in being just your regular-and-natural self as the best way attract the right person. Makes it easier for both to see whether they’d really like each other. Nicely or casually dressed, it’s who you are that should shine through 🙂 Thanks for commenting!

  3. Good blog you have got here.. It’s difficult to find excellent writing like yours these days. I really appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!

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