When you don’t get that closure
This post was inspired by a conversation I had the other day with a group of wonderful, beautiful women, who are all going through some pretty bad breakups of 4 plus years-long relationships – and the common theme among all of them was they were missing a proper, decent, human closure. Which of course makes it much harder for them to move on and continue living their lives without the burden of too many “whys” and “what ifs”.
You might have noticed I try to avoid being gender-specific in my posts – since I think we can all make the same mistakes and end up at the wrong end of good relationship etiquette. But I must admit I am tempted to conclude that in this case men seem to be responsible for a disproportionally large part of the blame. They just simply hate confrontations, and to avoid them efficiently – they often tend to resort to “run-and-hide” tactics, rather than face the music and communicate openly about how they feel and why they think breaking up is the only viable solution to their relationship anxiety. If you had the courage to leave – then be a man and have enough courage to tell this same girl why you are leaving her. She deserves that much. Anyone deserves that much.
(Sorry guys, but this had to be said – and if you think I am wrong in this assessment, please feel free to contradict me: I am always open to a good, argument based discussion and critique.)
We all need closures in life, and when it comes to romantic relationships they are a crucial element of a successful healing process. Breakups leave open, bleeding wounds on our hearts, and we all know that a properly applied bandage is one of the first and foremost conditions which will help the wound heal quickly and successfully, leaving minimum or possibly no scarring in the process. So what do we do when a bandage is not provided?
In that case, I am afraid – you will have to give yourself your own closure. It does seem a bit of a stretch – but think about it – a no-closure is a message too, albeit a very different message. And this message says:
I don’t care for you enough to get over my discomfort and openly talk to you about my feelings, to actually give you a decent explanation of why I left you.
I am a weak, confused individual, and I am so out of touch with my true feelings that I can’t even find the words to explain what I feel to the person I shared a few years of my life with.
I can’t face my own reaction to your questions and your tears – so I will refuse to meet and talk to you as long as it takes for you to pronounce me a complete a**hole and give up looking for me and my answers.
I will do this even if you decide to cross the street when you see me coming towards you, and it is not because I never cared for you – but because I am just too terrified to tell you that I don’t care for you any more.
Being left without a closure can sometimes even speed up your healing process, if you have enough clarity and sobriety to see through it, and for what it really is. But I know it’s hard to be sober when your heart is in shambles – and I don’t condemn you if you can’t.
I do hope though, that this post will help you see your ex-partners in a slightly more realistic light. If they had been there for you all those years while you were together – and if they had truly loved you, they should have loved you enough in the end too: at least enough to give you a proper closure.
LET ME HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
Have you ever been left without a closure? How did it feel?
Did you ever leave someone without a closure? How did that feel?
Join the conversation in the comments section!